I don't wanna talk about anything

Sirius is back at Hogwarts for a few days now. He is still sleeping in James’ bed, but Prongs isn’t asking questions about his well-being anymore. He knows that Sirius will tell him eventually, he just needs time. At night in the darkness and close to his best friend, he sometimes thinks about telling James everything. He wants to tell him how much it hurted and still hurts at times, he wants to tell him that he is sorry for changing and he wants James to know that much he means to Sirius by just staying by his side. 

“Prongs? Are you awake?” He asks late at night in James’ bed.

“Yeah, what’s up?” James turns around to face Sirius and puts on a very little light, just enough to make out the expressions on each other’s faces.

“Remember when I told you that I was alright? That surviving was enough?”

“I do.”

Sirius takes a deep breath. No matter how much James means to him, it will forever be hard to open up to people. He trusts James with his whole heart and more, but that doesn’t mean that that makes sharing his feelings easier. He will always feel at least a bit like he is annoying the person who he is talking to, or that he is being too involved in his feelings and that it’s not even such a big deal. His mother has said plenty of times that he is overreacting and that emotions spill out of him like a water balloon exploding, splashing water everywhere. Splashing his emotions on everyone. 

Over the years he has learned that his mother is wrong about almost all the things she has said to him, but the habit of believing the bad thing over the good thing can’t be gone just like that. All the negative thoughts he has and will have, will forever have the voice of his mother. But he is trying. He is trying to be a good person, it’s just a bit hard when you are full of DNA from people who you can only describe as monsters. 

“Sirius?” James asks softly.

“I’m not. I’m not alright, at least I think so. And I know that I have to survive in that house, but I don’t want to anymore. I want to live, and not in that house. I want out and I want a break from all of it. I’m so, so done, James.”

“Okay take a deep breath, Pads,” He lays his hand on Sirius’ as a sign of comfort. “Could you explain why you think you aren’t alright?” 

“I don’t feel alright. As in, I don't feel like myself. It’s like I am in some stranger's body and trying to learn all the things they did because I don’t know how they acted. I feel like my emotions are all over the place again, but also like they are frozen inside of me and don’t know how to break out and live and do their jobs. Am I overreacting again, Prongs?”

“Why would you think that?” He asks.

“Because I do it all the time without meaning to.”

“Says who?”

“Me?” Sirius answers. 

“No, your horrible parents say that. They fuck you up, and then you feel guilty for feeling the way you do because your mother says you overreact in everything. But if you think of it, letting your emotions take over isn’t a bad thing at all, Sirius. Do you remember how happy you were when in 2rd year we threw you a party and we got Minnie to sign your birthday card? You were jumping from happiness and talked about it for days. And that time when Regulus fell off his broom during a quidditch match and you immediately got off your broom even though we were in the middle of a game, and Regulus told you very clearly that he didn’t want your help, you still helped him. You were there with him in the infirmary right by his side. Remember when Remus got really badly hurt during a full moon and you didn’t want to wait for Poppy, no matter how hard me and Peter begged to just be patient. So you went in your animagus form to her office and stole things to help Moony. That's how loyal you are. That’s how gentle you are. That's how bright you are. Your parents are shit persons, but at least they got your name right. You are not for nothing named after the brightest star, Sirius.”

Sirius shuffles a bit closer to James. He whispers to James, “What if I can’t fix myself, Prongs? What if I can’t be the person I was before?”

“Then nothing happens. Because I will be there for you if you ‘fix’ yourself and if you stay the way you are. I will always be on your side, Sirius.” 

After a minute of silence Sirius confesses, “My parents are making me avoid Moony. I have to be in different classes than him in a few days and can never speak to him again.”

James smiles lightly, “No need to worry about that, we already solved it.”

“What? When?" 

“When you left the table on the first night  we were back here, you left the letter your parents gave you laying there. Obviously something was very wrong so, I’m sorry, but we read the letter. After that we all immediately decided that we needed to have a solution to this problem because it’s not okay for your parents to just ban you from Moony for a stupid dream, whatever the dream was about. So, we looked in some books and came across a spell that can make some people see other people differently, like very specific glasses. It’s actually a very easy spell and we got it in 2 days after trying. Everytime you walk with Remus, and Regulus, Narcissa or Bellatrix walk past, they will see a small boy with a mean face, very decent clothes, and neatly combed hair instead of Moony. And for the class changing problem, we faked Dumbledore's handwriting and wrote a note to your parents saying that changing mid school year isn’t possible, so that’s solved too.”

“James, you are all brilliant! I don’t know what I did to deserve you all.”

“Just existing is enough reason, Pads.”

Sirius looks at James and wishes with all his power that James would hug him right now. Over the days it has been better and he has tolerated more physical touch then a few days before, but he had never been the one to touch first.

As if James could read his mind he asks, “Can I hug you?”

“Please.”

James hold him through the whole night, through Sirius’ sobs of finally having a part of it all off his chest. To finally feel a bit better. Tears flow over his cheeks and emotions that had been frozen before finally melt to the touch of the sun, to the touch of James. 

~~~

“Sirius get your ass out of bed, you are gonna be late!” Remus yells at him.

Sirius opens his eyes and sees James looking at him, still holding him. 

“Why aren’t you up yet for your morning run?” He asks with a confused face and sleep being stuck in his voice.

“Because you were still sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. You haven’t slept this well in a while have you?”

“But that doesn’t mean you have to miss your run and be late because of me!”

Peter his voice calls out, “No one's gonna be late because you are both coming out of the bed, I’m not missing breakfast over this.”

So, they both get up. James gets ready quickly in the bathroom while Sirius is half asleep leaning against the door.

When James steps out it is already very late. “You guys should get something to eat already, just save something for me,” Sirius says.

“You sure?” Remus asks.

“Yeah go on, get me those toasts that you like!”

“Will do!” Peter calls back.

Sirius steps in the bathroom and does his routine. He does his hair because he found the joy in it back again. 2 weeks ago he didn’t even try, a week ago he forced himself to do it, and now he feels like it’s a puzzle piece to finding himself again, one that he claimed for himself. He also does his eyeliner and puts a bit of glitter on his eyelids. As he looks satisfied in his reflection in the mirror, he feels something wet down both of his legs.

He looks and sees that his pajama pants is soaked in blood. The bandages he put over the cuts Walburga made must have come loose in the night, because most of the wounds are open again and bleeding.

“Fuck, why now?!” He whispers angrily to himself. He lifts up both of the trouser legs and unfolds the bandages he only put on yesterday. As his legs are totally exposed now, Sirius realizes that just putting on a new bandage isn’t gonna help much. He walks (while heavily cursing under his breath from the pain) to the small medicine cabinet they have in their bathroom, mostly for Moony but Sirius uses it too after a vacation.. 

Just as he is looking through the box of medicine stuff, Remus just walks in out of nowhere. 

“Hey Sirius, I forgot my-” Remus stops immediately after laying a look at the bathroom and at Padfoot. Sirius follows his gaze, Remus’ eyes go from the soaking wet red bandages on the ground, to the trace of blood Sirius has left behind from walking to the cabinet, to Sirius bare and cut open legs. 

“What happened?! Are you alright-”

“It’s just a few little cuts, I'm fine.” 

“Doesn’t seem like a few little cuts to me. That’s a lot of blood, Sirius.” 

“Well, you passed your eyesight test.” Sirius says deadpan.

“I’m not joking, let me help you.”

“Just go away, I will handle this.”

“Says the man who is bleeding all over the place.” 

“Fuck off, it’s nothing I will deal with this- hey!”

Remus just walked in and sat Sirius down on the edge of the bathtub. “Put your legs in the tub.”

“What no, why?”

“To clean the wounds, dumbass.”

Remus turns on the water and grabs the sprinkler while Sirius rolls his eyes but still slowly puts his legs where Remus wants them. Moony is just spraying in the tub, not on Sirius’ legs yet, “It will hurt a bit,” he warns him, his voice a lot nicer. The water slides over Sirius’ legs and the tub fills itself with a river of redness. 

“Who did this to you?” Remus asks.

“...My mother.”

After a short silence Remus asks, “Sirius, these cuts aren’t healed or even healing at all, why didn’t you ask for my help?”

“I know how to take care of myself, this isn’t the first time you know.”

“If you know it so well then why don’t you do something about it?” Remus says while turning off the sprinkler. 

Sirius looks away because his answer is actually ridiculous and he doesn’t want to say it. “It’s stupid, forget it.”

“You can tell me Sirius, but only if you want too.” Remus stands up and walks to the box full with medicine stuff and is grabbing a few things.

“Well you cleaned up all of my mess so I guess I kinda owe you now,” Sirius says with a bit of humor in his voice. He takes a deep breath, “I didn’t want to take care of it properly because I like the scars. No wait, I mean I don’t like the scars, that’s my mother but I like the reminder of them.”

Remus grabs his last thing out the box and gives Sirius the signal to get his legs out the tub and on the ground. “Why do you like the reminder of them?” He asks.

“Because then I remember what I did wrong and then I see how to not be like that in the future.”

“But you never did anything wrong.”

“Look at these scars and say that again, and tell my mother.” Sirius says.

“Name one thing that you so called did wrong, Pads.” In the meantime Remus sits in front of Sirius and he is opening a sort of cream.

“I broke her favorite vase once.”

“Did you mean to do it?”

“Well no but-”

“Then no, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Okay but that time I was sending owls back and forth with Andy while my mother told me not to, that was wrong.”

“No, you were just talking to your favorite cousin, there is nothing wrong with that.”

“The time where my mother threatened Regulus and I went crazy and threw a fancy wine bottle at her head?”

“... Honestly, that was just fair of you to do, just waste of the wine.”

Sirius laughs a little, “Sure, whatever you say, Lupin.” 

Remus has the cream on his finger now. “I’m sorry to ruin the happy moment for you princess, but I’m gonna put this on your leg now, it can sting a bit.”

Even though Sirius practically melts on the spot from being called princess, he proceeds to nod to Remus.

Moony gently applies the cream to the cuts. “Does it hurt?” He asks.

“No.” Sirius immediately answers.

“It’s alright if it does, you know.” Remus looks at Sirius, trying to get an answer out of him.

Sirius just stays silent, having no idea how to answer that. “It’s alright if it does”, Remus tells him. “Stand up you coward. You don’t deserve to moan about the so-called pain”, his mother screams at him at least 3 times during a vacation. The fact that it never even crossed his mind before now that it is normal to feel pain and expressing that it hurts does something to him. He always thought that saying that you’re hurt made you weak, he never thought that it was actually just a normal thing to do or say.

When Remus is done doing one leg, he asks, “Do you ever think about leaving your house?”

Sirius snaps back out of his train of thought, “...Yes, James has offered many times for me and Regulus to stay at his place.”

Remus puts the cream on his finger again and starts to apply it on Sirius’ other leg. “So, why don’t you?”

“Because Reggie doesn’t want to. And I’m not leaving him, no matter what happens. He still believes in the goodness of our parents, but that’s just because I shielded him from all the evilness for so long. He isn’t happy there, and surely not if I’m not with him. I would love to live with the Potters, but I love Regulus more.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you-”

Sirius jokingly slaps him on his head, “Fuck off, I’ll kill you if you tell anyone I said that.”

“Sure, mister ‘I’ll handle it myself’ and then proceeds to almost bleed out on the bathroom floor.”

“Haha, very funny.”

“Anyways you're done. Just take it easy okay.”

Sirius stands up and feels this strong desire to hug Remus, and without thinking he does just that. “Thank you, Moony.”

Remus hugs him back immediately, “No problem, Sirius. Just ask me the next time something happens. I wanna be there for you, okay.”

“Yeah. I will try. Thanks.”

Sirius changes into his uniform and puts the pajamas in the laundry basket while Remus uses a cleaning spell to remove all the blood from the floor.  

After that they walk to their next class together, both having skipped the entire first hour without even noticing. In the most weird and twisted way, having bled through everything that could, made Sirius’ morning more lovelier than without it. It was nice to talk to Remus again, and to laugh without forcing it. It’s always more bearable to be with Remus. 

“Thanks for being there for me,” Sirius says, hoping Moony can somehow feel the meaning behind it. 

“I will always be there for you. Unless your parents are gonna delete me from this earth for a dream that you had-”

Sirius laughs and shoves him to the side, “You asshole, I knew you were gonna bring it up!”

Remus laughs along, “Shh Sirius, keep your voice down otherwise you will have to go to a different class because my amazing humor might infect you.” 

Sirius ruffles Remus’ hair, “The prick you are! When someday you aren’t gonna be so secretive, I’ll hold something like that against you too!”

“Well, you will have to make sure your parents don’t ban you from me in the meantime.”

And so they walk to the classroom while laughing and joking, and Sirius feeling genuinely good for the first time in a while.