Perfection
YEAR 1979 P.A
Mikasa seemed really happy, that was what Annie noticed first. They sneaked out of the mansion to see those two boys Mikasa was talking about. As they traveled around endless maze of streets that, for Annie, who had not left the mansion, since she got here, impossible to tell apart, she held Mikasa's hand tightly. Mikasa seemed to be familiar to every corner they crossed, she was walking through the well known path.
They traveled to the edges of the Centre were poorer people lived in. Somewhere between almost full homelessness and enormous, not moral luxury they stopped, they waited to the boys to come.
Armin and Eren were orphaned by mysterious explosion somewhere close the border with Marley. They wandered around from place to place till they reached the capital, chose less populated place and decided to wander around there. They lived in the house of old, lonely woman who took care of them.
"Mika!!!" Someone screamed, and Annie's hand clenched tighter to Mikasa's. For what exactly reason would you need to be this loud?
Some boy ran from behind them and hugged Mikasa. He had brown, short hair and greenish eyes. From behind him came another one, this one had longer, blonde hair and blue eyes, similar to Annie's, they almost looked related.
"Mika, Mika, Mikaaa." The brown haired one repeated manically out of pure happiness, Annie took few steps back as she noticed how unwanted she will be here. They seemed not to care about her existence at all.
"Hello, Mikasa!" The blonde screamed after his friend, he got red from running, he must not have good condition. His voice sounded nervous, breathy, shy.
A weakling, was Annie's first association.
The three of them laughed, Annie took even more steps back. She felt separated from them, she was an outcast... It was horrible, she didn't want to feel like that! Her father's voice echoed in her mind, sating that she is better than any of them, that she needs to be separated to grow stronger, better...
Why did it worked on those fat kids from Marley and not on them?
Was Mikasa the problem? The problem that she let herself feel as an equal, or worse, to Mikasa, that she thought of her as friend instead of an obstacle? She needs to shut her emotions towards her down to make herself stronger, right? Isolation will bring her power to not get hurt. She'll do it.
She'll do it as fast as she stops feeling sudden jealousy every time Mikasa hangs out with them.
"Guys..." Mikasa giggled from under their tangled arms around her. "Guys!" They stopped with a bright smile, they got their eyes off Mikasa and placed them on Annie. She stood there, frozen, she hated those type of attention. "This is Annie I have been telling you about..."
"Hello! My name's Eren! Eren Yeager!" The brown haired one screamed, getting closer to Annie's too close, and reaching his hand for her to shake. She clenched her teeth as she accepted it.
He shakes it dramatically and way to energetic for Annie's taste. He is doing it only because you let him... She thought, wondering where the promise of following her father's advice disappeared. She needs to get it together, decline their company, no matter how kind they seem...
Yes, yes, yes, yes... She won't make that mistake of hanging around those foolish bastards like she did in Marley. What would Levi think? To say the truth, he wouldn't mind, he would actually by quite happy, but Annie inserted her father's image into him. In her eyes, he was as strict, as oppressive as her father, setting rules he never actually agreed on, Annie being the only one who set up her boundaries.
Because of small voice in the back of her head telling her that she doesn't deserve anyone. No matter, if this situation is as she is better than them, or way worse. She clinged to that lesson about building walls around her more than to any other one. She quickly forgot about lessons about enemies, about serving Marley, not eating to lose weight...
It was easy to fight off those lessons, but the lesson about choosing loneliness always came back to her. It was her armour she will polish every day, armour she will hate to fall, even for a second. Armour she won't let anybody take off.
Even Mikasa.
Annie would explain it to herself that this was what Erwin wished, that she has to give up herself for his ideas, plans... He didn't, for him, she grew useless, dictionaries were almost finished and later what will she do instead of being loyal puppet for them?
"Eren, stop! You make her uncomfortable!" The blonde boy asked his friend. "I'm Armin. Armin Arlert."
"I think she can handle a handshake when she can handle Ackermann training!" Eren defended himself, their hands still joined. "Am I right?"
"..." A moment of silence from her, their eyes on her, big gulp forming in the back of her throat. "I... Guess so?"
"See?" Eren dropped of her hand and pointed at Armin. "I am always right!"
"You are overreacting." Mikasa made a comment. "You are making an idiot out of yourself in front of her! She is just too shy to say it out loud!"
Annie basically stood like she was already in military, arms tightly out against her body, silhouette straight as a ruler, face not showing one emotion instead of a little of anxiety.
"Piss off."
"Language!" Armin warned his friend. "So where are we going?"
"Our house?" Eren wondered out loud. "Ventilation?"
"Sounds great!"
>---
Annie wasn't expecting for them to actually go to the ventilation system of the underground, but they did. They went to the closest tower that almost reached the ceiling of their society. Close to the top of it was a ventilation shaft, its iron, square grid separating humanity from predators. The ceiling of the tower was close enough to feel something close to wind. The ventilation shaft was placed straight on the ceiling.
They sneaked in into almost empty building, it had some function related to electricity and keeping their place warm but the kids didn't care about what was it made for,.they only cared to reach the top.
Four of them sat on the surface of roof of the tower in circle. Annie choosing the place by a barrier so she can rest her back on it. Mikasa and Armin on both of her sides and Eren in front of her. The conversation, Annie wasn't a part of, turned into topics of their future.
"We will be the Scouts!" Eren stated proudly. "We will see the world and give it back to humans. Wouldn't that be great? We will be heroes, everyone would remember us..."
"I think just seeing the outside would be nice... I can't believe we are so close to it. Imagine, few meters above our heads are forests, sky..." Armin looked up as if he could see it all on the stone ceiling. "Maybe even an ocean is close by if we are lucky..."
Annie didn't know what an ocean is and what would be so special about it. But she knew how horrified she was outside, how she was almost buried under one of those forests and how sun burned her skin. She hated how she saw no predators, if she did, she could at least blame all of the bad things that happened on them, instead of herself. She hated how it turned out for human to still cause more damage than any animal. She hated being one.
"The Scouts are like, the coolest! Ackermanns knew how to make some amazing, ass-kicking group." Eren complimented. "On the other hand, Dreyses had absolutely no idea what they were doing. Special Forces? What are they so special about?"
"They place the highest on the tournament..." Armin noticed. "... and for the last few years they had been under the command of the clan in charge of our country. They basically own this place with Dreyse."
"What do they even do? Arrogant bastards." Eren commented. "They think they are so much better for, what exactly? Officially, they help people around Paradis, actually they just do nothing all day and think that they are useful."
"Maybe you are right." Armin sighed. "But it is also why people prefer to join them instead of the Scouts, they are safer, get paid more and everyone respect them more."
"Who cares about respect when you have no goal?" Eren argued.
Annie heard about the Special Forces for the first time. Their shortcut was SF, were created around 1784 P.A. because of the Dreyse Clan. SF were heavily controlled by them, they were Paradis's military, military different from what she had seen in Marley. Those Forces drowned in luxury, greed and wealth, they were egoistic, selfish... But they weren't weak, Annie thought as she later found out about them more and more. They were the best from the best's, the ones who scored top on "tournament" which was a fancy way of drafting teenagers. The stronger you were, the better position you got. Only one person, top of the tournament, could join SF.
Scouts were created as opposition to them, everyone could join, they didn't choked on money and most of them lived in average apartments. Except for Levi, but he came from the clan so he was forced to live the way clan told him to, he couldn't lower himself to the level of average soldiers, they told him, he was better than them.
Scouts were filled with dreams, this is what Annie figured out by herself. Erwin, Eren, Armin, Mikasa... Yes, they all had their purpose, desires they were so full with their ambitions. Annie hated herself for not falling into the category of the true, knowledge-hungry scout as she was empty. She didn't have dreams like them, nothing in her was hers. She was a broken vase she waited for someone to fill, but never caring enough to fix the leaking cracks. She didn't see them, she didn't want to.
"Annie, who are you joining?" Eren asked curiously.
"Same as you."
"Why?"
It hurt her, not being able to respond. How stupid would it sound if she explain from where she comes from? Erwin's twisted mind? Her training and random adoption by Ackermanns? How could she be so lucky, yet, never acknowledging it, how could she not be happy from what she had? What was her soul truly lacking?
She had a friend, her and Mikasa grew closer every day. They were similar, that is what Annie liked about them the most. Her first impression of her was that Mikasa is different from her, that the girl has everything she lacks. Later she found out their similarities, she couldn't point out them but it just made sense to her that they are almost the same. Their behaviour, goals set by someone above them, strength...
"What else I could do?" Annie shrugged. Older she became, she less cared about her future, she just took what other people gave and accepted it.
"You could join the police." Eren stated. "When you aren't the one who placed first and can't join Special Idiots then you can chose between police and Scouts. Y'know what is truly funny? Almost nobody who placed first never joined anything else than SF. Y'know what is even better? I'll be first."
Annie didn't want to argue with him and explain how stupid it sounds. If someone tries hard to place first and get to the luxuries of the military then why wouldn't they if they did it? If someone is the strongest why would they lower themselves?
She should ask Levi that. But since her and Mikasa grew closer, he grew further. He didn't talk with her as much. She was almost fluent in Paradisian so they no longer had lessons. It hurt her, more than she can admit it, that she lost someone like him. Her idol, authority, someone who cared about who she will grow out to be. Erwin did also, she sometimes remind herself, but he was different, he didn't give his time to her, she hadn't seen him in years. As he never cared.
Dad did...
She shut the memories of him down, she hated to feel broken, helpless. Weak. Every time she drove back to Marley, him, she felt like crying, why was she so hurt from what happened to her? She should be stronger from it all, she shouldn't cry like a child. Her father wouldn't like for her to feel sorry for herself.
You deserve this...
That is what echoed in her mind as she searched for explanation of those strange men that decided to raise her. She should be happy. They decided to took her little, fragile soul and do something with her, what would she do with her life on her own? What would she chose? She definitely wouldn't chose a good option, right? She needs to be thankful as they decided to set her purpose, make her a good soldier who serves a right idea...
She doesn't have a choice. She doesn't want one. She prefers to stay enslaved, give her freedom away than taking responsibility over herself and her future. She would be so scared about it if she was the one who decides...
"How are you getting so easily distracted?" Eren clicked his fingers in front of Annie's face.
She hated when she did that, every time she did meaningless thoughts that didn't glued together into one, good work appeared. And it made her sad, she had so many pieces to glue but some of them didn't fit. From wider perspective she saw herself was the piece that didn't fit the plan. Why her ego is so built in her? Why can't she give it away as easily as she thought she will? She was no one without their commands, what would she be without them?
Those unfitting, broken pieces.
Broken pieces with demolished edges for them to fit where other people want them to.
"I have a bad day." She simply responded. She had a bad few years, to be honest, but who is he to know about this?
Before Eren could answer anything about this, Mikasa quickly said. "I mean, this was a tiring day, we should be heading home if you don't feel well." Mikasa stood up and reached her hand towards her for her to take. She accepted. She liked to hold it, when she did she felt like there is someone who gets her. "Bye guys!"
They slowly got down as two boys still stayed at the roof, watching the ceiling and imagining that there are stars instead of it.
>---
"So, what do you think?" Mikasa asked her as they were finally in Annie's room.
"They are..." She started, to be honest, she wasn't conscious most of their meeting, her mind always came back to dark speculations about her life. "... Kind."
"Only this? I'm disappointed..." She sighed. "I thought you would like them more..."
Annie was familiar with disappointment. It always sticked around her since the beginning. Her father kicked her out because he was disappointed at her. Levi didn't talk to her because he was so as well, she figured out. She was disappointed by those kids in Marley, but in Paradis, kids were different. They were fuller of emotions, she met their brightest sides before the image she got by their first impression crumble and she sees their flaws. If only people could stay the same as she sees them for the first time forever... If only they didn't put their armour of perfection off so easily...
"What is your opinion about... Eren?" Mikasa whispered shyly and Annie couldn't help but notice her growing, pink blush.
Did Mikasa Ackerman expected for her to talk about boys? As in, holding hands, kissing and crushes boys?
"You... Like him?" She answered with an obvious question awkwardly. Mikasa nodded lightly.
What else was she expecting? That Mikasa will somehow chose pessimistic, empty, lost Annie instead of this hopeful, dreamy boy? Was Mikasa even into girls? More important question, was Mikasa into her? Since when does she start to care about this? Why does she care about who Mikasa likes? She is just her friend and she will be, no matter what.
So what was this feeling that suddenly hit her as she saw Mikasa agree?
"I don't know. He seems..." Fucking stupid, weak, unworthy, bland, idiotic, way to loud and emotional.
"... Cool."
Mikasa covered her face with her hands before she spoke. "I'm so embarrassed. You are the first one I've ever told this." She confessed. "Have you ever got a crush?"
"I don't think so." Annie wasn't sure about the meaning of this word, but she was almost sure that Mikasa was the closest thing she ever got to one.
"And what about a girl?" Mikasa lowered her tone. "Y'know, I don't want you to take a crush as in only boys and..." God, that is horrible, what are you saying Mikasa? "... Forget it."
"No, don't worry." She calmed her friend, or crush, quickly. "I get it that I'm different from normal girls."
"That isn't anything not normal. It is perfect fine."
...
Annie froze, what could she answer to that? Definitely something else than she had, but there was this one thing that wandered through her mind.
"How did you figure out?" She asked. How did Mikasa somehow could place it into words before Annie herself did? Is she loosing herself? Is this finally happening? Will the suffering vanish as she finally disappear?
"Those drawings gave me a hint." She began, playing with her fingers to keep herself distracted. "And then you seemed really uninterested when I brought those topics out and never seemed to agree whenever I called some boy pretty... I guess after some time it just came natural for me to assume that you are like this."
"Liking girls are just the beginnings of things Annie Leonhardt does to be a total outcast." She commented with her dry humour, it often made Mikasa chuckle. But at that point, Mikasa didn't know from where Annie came from, about blood on her hands and empty, emotionless mess she truly was. Or as she portrayed herself to be. Mess she didn't want to collect, to clean.
"I like outcasts. They are unique." Mikasa smiled at her. "Boys are one of them too, we will be an amazing weirdos team!"
>---
Annie didn't want to be a part of their team. She figured out as she drew Mikasa. It was her new hobby, she sketched the girl over and over again and when the drawing turned out better than the others, she gave them to her. Mikasa always laughed with excitement as she saw those.
Annie drew her and envied, loving at the same time. Sometimes she wished to be her, sometimes she craved to just be around her. It was a conflict she never solved. Mikasa was what always brought jealousy. When she decided to hang out around boys instead of Annie, she was jealous. When she did better at training than Annie and Levi congratulate her, she was jealous. When Mikasa smiled dearly at her with sparkles in her greyish eyes, she was jealous.
She craved to be around her, so she can become more similar to her.
As she thought about Mikasa, she heard someone knocking. No, not someone, she already knew that there was only one person who came to her.
"Come in." She raised her voice slightly for the other side to hear her. "I told you to not knock."
"But what if you are changing?" Mikasa always defended herself like that, Annie rolled her eyes every time. "Okay, so, I have news." She took a big breath as she sat comfortably on Annie's bed. "The tournament will be in like, two months. Armin and Eren are already signed, as well as us."
"Those aren't news, I've known about this for the past few weeks." She pointed out as she noticed that Mikasa didn't come here only to say the obvious. "So, what's the matter?"
"It'll sound... Odd... But trust me, it isn't anything bad." She began worried. "Y'know Eren plans to place first but you also know that he doesn't..."
"Stand a chance?" Annie helped her finish the sentence and the other girl nodded shyly. "He is idiotic if he doesn't see this. At the end, it will be just a fight between you and me. Nobody else are prepared enough to place second or first, except for us."
"That's...true." She agreed, slowly covering her face with her hands. "I... Want us to lie."
"About what?"
"Because, if Eren loose against one of us he could start to hate us... And I don't want him to. Listen, we both will go to the Scouts and we don't need to place first for this. Let's just, make it easy for him to win. Also, Armin wouldn't survive our serious punch so..."
"No."
"Annie, please."
"Levi would be disappointed." She tried to explain herself without revealing way to much about her life.
"So what? He won't do anything about it as we will finally be in the Scouts! Erwin Smith would be the only one who could punish us, not him, he needs to listen to commander as much as we do! Also, after you end your training you can come back to your dad for some weeks and..."
"My dad's dead." She spat out a lie. Surprisingly, she enjoyed how it tasted. Maybe, this is tragedy she wanted, simple tragedy of her life instead of the one she got. Tragically orphaned kid adopted by wealthy, powerful clan out of their pity... Yes, this is her true story, not what actually happened. It was easier for other people to understand, and easier for her to accept her past, fake one, but still past.
"Oh..." She sighed. "... I'm sorry, I had no idea..."
"Quit the act."
...
"Sorry."
"It's fine." She said, scribbling aggressively at Mikasa's newest sketch. "Doesn't matter." It truly didn't, her father wasn't dead, she didn't need any condolences. "And no, I won't do it."
"Why? Eren wants to be first and you..."
Annie's anger burned in her as her dearest friend said those words. Why was she so charmed by this stupid boy? What is their deal? Why does Annie needs to give up something for someone strange for her? Yes, she could give up her victory if it was for Mikasa, Levi, Erwin, if they asked her to fail, she would. But only them. She won't do it for Eren, sometimes, she got even more jealous about him than she did about Mikasa. Why did he stole the spotlight of Mikasa's life so easily?
It was supposed to be her. Mikasa was her only friend, none of them need any other, so why those two weaklings grew so strong into Mikasa's heart?
Annie will win, she promised herself, she will win to prove to Levi that she is strong, to prove to Mikasa that they are on the same level and only Annie is strong enough to bear her wholely. She will win for Erwin, so he will reveal his true plans towards her, so he will see how powerful and grown up she is, so she will stand out, this time, for a better. She will stand out and he will only chose her, all of them three will chose her as she win, she'll show them how good she actually is.
"What if, I want to place first?" Annie interrupted her. "Have you ever thought of that? Or Eren was taking all of your kind for the past few weeks and you lost your free will?"
"Annie, I didn't mean..."
"Of course not! None of you never do. All of you are always lying."
They were lying as they introduced themselves differently as they truly were, as they hid their true colours from Annie, she craved to see them. She craved to see all of people's flaws at first sight, so she can give up on them quicker, so she won't get disappointed from their pathetic, human nature.
Levi blinded her with his first impression of perfection. Bullshit. Yes, maybe, he is strong like she wants to be, but he turned his back on her so many times. A part of him still hates her, she cannot help but notice this. Sometimes he was gentle with her, sometimes he was not, that was the problem. He was indecisive when it came to her, he wasn't rough like she wanted for him to be. He showed weaknesses, she should despite him at this point, but the image of his perfection still flew into her mind, images of his power and warm evenings they spent together. She couldn't give up on him as she got attached, same thing with Mikasa.
Eren and Armin on the other hand? They were pathetic from the start. They walked around this ground with their heads somewhere outside of their save asylum, dreamt of impossible things that will never happen to two, pathetic and weak boys like them. Eren was idiotic, Armin was a coward, Annie despite them from the start. They didn't even bother to cover up their flaws from her, the Ackermanns at least tried. No, not only tried, they gave her a perfect picture she clinged to tightly, so every time they disappoint her, she can come back to it and imagine how good they could be.
"Think about it, please." Mikasa whispered as she left. One last "I'm sorry" escaped her mouth as she closed the doors, catching with the corner of her eye Annie throwing away the sketch.
>---
Annie looked at herself in the mirror wondering what she lacks. Her mood swings were horrible, she went from hating the world to hating herself in just seconds. She blamed everyone for dissapoting her to blaming herself for judging them so hard, not giving them a second chance. Who is she to be so harsh for them when she is so imperfect? Who does she truly need to hate, who is in the wrong, her or everyone else?
Truth is, they all were lying to each other. No matter, if it came to their flaws, tough past or true feelings, everyone was lying. This is why none of them were perfect, right? If they wouldn't lie from the start it wouldn't be as heartbreaking to see their armour crumble, at least for Annie. If Levi showed his weaknesses, she wouldn't portray him as unbeatable, powerful. If Mikasa was strong, not arrogant and aggressive from the start, Annie's mind wouldn't drive her back to the times Mikasa was weak, inpatient, mad.
Those were lies, hiding something away from her. Levi should explain to her why he is as strong as he seems he is, Mikasa shouldn't be weak from the start, she wasn't, she hid her power under egoism.
Lies.
"You'll be the first one." She promised herself in the mirror. "You won't lie, you will accomplish way more than any of them, you will be a true, strong soldier and prove them wrong. You will prove that you are perfect and they will be jealous one, get it? And Erwin, and Levi will be so proud of you when you will come to them and show how less of flaws you have. No, no, you won't have them, okay? You won't lie when you will show everyone how amazing your are, your armour won't fall off easily... Keep everything to yourself, don't you dare talk about things with them again, they can't know this, they'll use it against you, they'll destroy your perfection..."
She has to work with her body. Annie was a maniac that evening, in the morning, when memories of what she said flew into her mind, she flinched, that was embarrassing. But no matter how odd it seemed, Annie liked the idea, this was the first idea she formed by herself, the first idea that, yes, was caused by the influence of the others, but it was her plan, her ambition. Yes, she will do orders perfectly, no mistakes, not batting an eye on anything, sometimes forgetting about her promise she made to herself. But the promise will always found its way back to her.
Be perfect.
Perfection was good, Annie stated, she wanted to be good. It will be the only thing she will do for herself. Every other aspect of her life, she will give away to someone, but this little idea, she is keeping to herself.
Perfection.
She'll show them how to do that, without any lies, different first impression, people will look at her and not see anything bad about her. They won't see it the second time, nor the third, nor the fourth...
Never, she won't let her armour fall, she will be strong, loyal to the Scouts, she will win the tournament as her first time at becoming unbeatable as there would be nobody more perfect than her.
Not a lot of her thoughts made sense, glued together. Her thoughts were a mess, she never knew what she actually feels about some topic, she could never find the right answer in the dirt of her brain. But this one sentence was clear, become perfection, and maybe she didn't need any more answers.
Not even what that "perfection" she looks for actually is.
>---
"Hello?" Mikasa opened the door, this time without knocking. "Levi wants to see you around 4 PM in his room."
Annie nodded, she always sat by her desk when Mikasa visit, making new creations, letting her frustrations go away. It also fed her perfectionism, every time when she did one mistake while drawing, she couldn't bear it. She shouldn't have any weak sides, so she drew that part again, and again, and over and over again till it looked perfect enough. If it didn't, she threw away the whole piece, not worthy of the new armour she is in the process of carving.
"Okay." She murmed. The girl still stood by the doors. They didn't talk since their last argument. "What?"
"I'm still sorry about our last... Y'know." Mikasa whispered, she was just a kid, she was more used to hiding away her emotions than confronting them. For her, disagreeing in the relationship meant she can't be with them anymore, she didn't want to talk honestly about her own emotions. It was hard for her to fix it between her and Annie. It didn't help when Annie chose her own goal in life, when Erwin's became a background and she chose herself. "I don't want us to be mad at each other."
"I'm not mad at you." Annie shrugged. Her tone was... Dry. It was usually cold, almost emotionless but Mikasa figured out it wasn't because of her shyness, this tone was different. Something changed, it sounded like Annie would prefer to punch her away rather than bring her closer like before. Before she craved for Mikasa to be only hers, and now she wants to give her away like nothing?
What is it, Annie? Mikasa needed to ask but the words got stuck in her throat, why would she ask this if Annie won't even answer? They don't talk about tough things, if they do they will fall out even more. Right? Right?!
"That's good to hear."
"Come in, don't stand there like a homeless dude begging for money." She commented, eyes still focused on her sketch.
Mikasa sat on the bed, as always and then Annie decided to finally look at her. She opened her eyes wider as she noticed, Mikasa cut her beautiful, long hair.
"What do you think?" Mikasa questioned shyly. At the back of Annie's tongue formed millions of compliments. Short hair really sharpen her beauty, she was even prettier with them than she was with long. Annie was speechless. "Eren said girls look better with hair short so I decided to make a change."
No, not him again, Annie begged, why is it easy to make you fall in love, Mikasa? And why can't you do the same to me? It was Mikasa's biggest weakness, she loved to dearly to give up on them, she would change everything around her,.including her for that one person, she grew stronger for them, but weaker around them. And why was it he from all of the people? Why did he had some sort of power over Mikasa? Mikasa doesn't need fixing, Annie stated, she is good the way she wants herself to be, nobody has right to dictate her how she should look like.
Based on Annie's new mindset, she should not care about it, give up on Mikasa and move out but she couldn't. It was still fresh, her old instinct to care still rooted deeply into her behaviour.
"I was right." Annie spat out harshly. "You truly did lost you free will for that asshole."
"It's not how you think it is!"
"Really? So how is it? You like your hair long for your whole life and suddenly decided to change them because some random guy told you to?"
"No, because..."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, because he told you he liked short haired girls. God, Mikasa, why are you so naive and..."
"What if I wanted to make a change and he just set up my mind on it?"
"Nonsense, you changed for him, why? He is not worthy that much of dramatic acts."
"Those are just hair! They'll grow out!"
"It might start at just hair but what next, Mikasa? You will jump into fire for him?"
"Maybe, maybe because I really like him! Normal girls act like this when they like a boy!"
Oh.
Oh...
Annie dropped the pencil she clenched tightly before. How did she got carried away so much? Mikasa was right, it was just hair. No matter how weird it was to Annie, she shouldn't show how much she envied Mikasa and how jealous she was because of Eren. Of course, it will come to this, since Mikasa found out about Annie's sexuality, they never really talked about this. Maybe this is why, Mikasa is just disgusted by her oddness...
She didn't want Mikasa to change, she wanted a girl who was her only friend in her whole life back, girl who only cared about her for so many months as they had no one else. She wasn't Levi who did it because if commands, she was Mikasa and she did that because she wanted to. It was pure somehow, almost innocent, it didn't matter how much punches they threw at each other, they were still friends. It was a good friendship, Annie thought. "Was" is a keyword.
"Leave." Annie ordered her, the girl looked devastated as the words she spoke reached her, but her pride took over, she decided not to forgive the girl so easily she did the last time. What was the big deal anyway? She just got a new haircut, a new haircut heavily chose by some boy opinion, but still, just a new haircut. Nothing wrong, right?
"Levi told me about you being a Marley girl and from where they took you from." Mikasa told her harshly as she reached the doorknob, wanting to make the girl hurt one last time as anger took over her once again. "No wonder they didn't want you there, I wouldn't like a daughter like you as well."
Annie broke the pencil, she grabbed it again and just broke it in half. Her eyes teared up, some tears already fell. She won't allow them to fall again, she can't. She will be strong, stronger than any of them, she will no longer let anybody close so they won't hurt her, disappoint her again. You can't be perfect when there is someone close around you, you can't have anybody close to your heart as they will somehow influence you, they will want to know more about you and that is how your first cracks in your armour will appear.
Her dad once said to be lonely to grow in power, in Paradis she tried to forget about his lessons and only accept the ones Levi taught her, knowing they will be more useful to survive. But her dad always came back, his words cut deeply into her heart, echoing in her mind. Yes, being perfection on your own, at the top of the world, for everyone to praise you but not getting close enough to how vulnerable you can actually be. It is good, it won't make her feel those weird, twisted feeling she got when she is around Mikasa.
She might promised herself that she won't lie, but how would she survive without lying, hiding the truth away in this world? She will do it, truth she will show everyone it amazingly fixed girl, she won't let anyone see past this image as behind its there is a lost child searching for acceptance.
>---
Close thing to acceptance was the reason why Levi called her. Annie was accepted as a part of Ackerman clan.
"Why?" She questioned as she looked through her new documents, everywhere was her new surname.
"You are a honourable Ackerman because you need family to belong for you to even get to the tournament. Without surname, you are no one here." Levi explained. "You don't get any privileges like normal Ackermanns but you officially became a member of Paradisian society."
"Thanks." She whispered, staring surprised at the papers. It was just word added to her name but it changed her whole world, she was a part of a perfect (at first sigh) Ackermann family.
Higher families don't just adopt someone and give them their surname, she was probably the first kid to be this lucky. Doesn't this means she already took first step into becoming better than everyone around her? On those papers she is officially the part of one of the strongest families of their world, yes, she isn't equal to them, but when people will hear her surname they will have to respect her.
"Tournament is the next week." Levi stated as she began to leave the room. "I don't remember the last time so many people joining the Scouts..."
She already closed the doors as he started the next sentence. What does that meant? She didn't care about it at that moment, she only looked at her new license she got.
Annie Ackermann.
It fits her perfectly, she loved this new surname. It was better than her old one, her father's one, she stopped feeling a connection with him the moment she entered the borders of the Paradis. Now, her existence was tangled with the Ackermanns, and it was her new addiction, now, it will be their lessons she will listen to and follow blindly. Sometimes, it will cause her forgetting her own goal, but she will explain to herself later that following their wishes is a part of accomplishing it. She was a mess, of course, she was, but all she could focus on was to words standing next to each other.
"Annie Ackermann." She whispered to herself as she was finally back in her room. She repeated it over and over again to her sleep as she finally truly felt like she is a part of something. She belongs to someone, that's a good thing.