Cursed Forever

Sirius

“Hello?” James said into his phone.

Sirius leaned in to listen to the call. After being a little embarrassed at the bar, Sirius decided to never go back. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he wasn’t used to being wrong. He felt as if he had been rejected.

But as soon as he got home, he reached into his pocket to check his messages and couldn’t find his phone. Sirius couldn’t remember setting his phone down and thought he remembered checking his pockets to make sure he had it before they left, but he had been drinking. And he had been flustered. And a little upset.

So now, Sirius sat in his kitchen on a stool leaning in to hear the call.

“Hi! I’m James and you have my friend's phone.”

Sirius couldn’t hear all of what the other person was saying but he picked up on “Marlene,” “hot,” and “Robin Hood.”

James was laughing at something the speaker had said when Sirius remembered that he should be the one talking on the phone. James was looking at Sirius and smiling when Sirius reached out and took the phone while standing up.

“Hello? This is Sirius, the owner of the phone you're holding. The handsome guy on the lock screen.” Sirius was smirking now too.

He heard others in the background and some shuffling.

“Yeah. Um, we found it on the floor.” This was a new voice now. “You can come back and get it…”

More shuffling, Sirius thought he heard someone shout ‘no.’

A different voice, “We could mail it, so you don’t have to come back-

“Or leave it in more capable hands”

Sirius wasn’t sure who was talking. He was getting a little lost.

“I can come back, I don’t mind.”

“One moment,” the woman said.

Sirius and James looked at each other as the group continued their discussion, and they realized they were not supposed to be hearing it.

“Marlene, give me the phone. Please. I don’t want him to come back.”

James’ eyes widened. Sirius had put the phone on speaker.

“Regulus, stop being a wet towel. It’s not a big deal. What's the harm? What do you think, Remus, you’re the one who said he was hot,” Marlene said.

Sirius didn’t think that James' eyes could get any wider.

“It’s the band!” James mouthed, “The band! Robin Hood!”

Sirius' mouth had fallen open upon hearing “I don’t want him to come back,”Had he really fucked up that bad with Regulus? Maybe he was just very private or like his grandma just died. Then he gaped even more when he heard: “He was hot.”

Sirius was a little offended and a little flattered, but spoke back up, “So guys, I can hear you. Good to know you think I’m hot, but I’d like my phone back before I commit to any of you.”

The other end of the line was silent.

James was laughing quietly.

Sirius was smirking.

“All right. Well. I think I'll come back to the bar now, and maybe then…”

“Okay. Bye.”

They hung up on him. Sirius thought it had been Regulus who ended the call.

“They hung up on me,” Sirius said to James. “Can you believe it?”

“Yes.”

Sirius handed the phone back to James and he slid it into his pocket.

“Should we get going?” James asked.

“Oh. I can go alone, you have to get up early, remember?”

“You sure you're okay to drive?” James asked as he filled up a glass of water.

“Yeah. I want to take the bike anyway.”

“Okay. Be safe,” James said as he passed him the glass.

He reached out and squeezed his shoulder before walking through the kitchen door and towards his room.

Sirius was fine to drive. The conversation with the band had sobered him up. Sirius almost wanted to laugh at how absurd it was. The whole night. All of it was just so weird.

Sirius stopped by the bathroom to look in the mirror. He brushed his hands through his long hair and fixed up his eyeliner. When Sirius took a step back and checked himself out one last time, he realized suddenly, how much he looked like his mother. The thought made him freeze. Sirius looked at his reflection instantly somber.

Shit.

He hadn’t thought about her in a while. Things had been going well. But the longer he looked at himself, the more the pit grew in his stomach. Sirius leaned forward, pressing his hands down on the sink counter. Breathe. Just breathe. Sirius thought. Everything's Okay. You're safe.

Sirius thought about going to James, who always made Sirius feel better but decided against it. He wanted his phone back. He wanted to go to bed. So he grabbed his keys and left.

Sirius headed out of his and James' shared apartment and got to his bike. He hadn’t ridden in a few days and was itching to ride. He put his helmet on, even though he liked feeling the wind in his hair (James made him promise). And started the engine of the motercycle.

As he drove off, he instantly started to relax. Riding was easy. He didn’t need to think. Just ride.

Mom would hate this bike. That thought shocked him. “Mom?” He hadn’t thought of this mother as a “Mom” before. She was a terrible mother, and when talking about her Sirius used her name. She didn’t deserve to be called a mom. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about her?

Sirius merged onto the highway and sped up. He didn’t want to think. Not right now.

Anyway, I never called her ‘mom’, Sirius thought unconsciously, That was always Cass.

In an instant, Sirius thought he was going to die.

Cass. Cassiopeia. His dead sister.

That feeling in the pit of his stomach, which stuck around all day, suddenly made sense.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Sirius tried to remember what day it was. His days had been messed up due to him not having a job, but he couldn’t have forgotten. He couldn’t have.

Sirius pulled over on the side of the road. He was shaking so hard he was afraid he would crash his bike.

He went to pull out his phone to check the date, “Fuck!” he yelled. Of course, he didn’t have his phone.

But it all made sense: the look James had been giving him all day, asking if he was all right. Pete called him out of the blue. James agreed to go out even though he had just finished a long shift and had another one tomorrow.

His friends didn’t forget.

But Sirius did.

Sirius couldn’t believe it. He was close to the bar, so decided to keep going. He wasn’t letting himself think. He couldn't. Not yet. Not until he knew for sure that it was April 13th.

He couldn’t actually remember making his way to the bar, but somehow he did. He even parked well and walked calmly.

He was just reaching the door when someone called out, “Hey! Sirius!”

He looked over and leaning against the wall, smoking, was Remus. Sirius would have noticed how good he looked, but couldn’t focus on anything tangible.

“I have your phone,” he said with an easy smile, holding the phone out.

Sirius took the phone without saying anything and quickly turned it on. It said the time and below the date: “April 13th.”

Remus was saying something but Sirius’ ears were ringing.

Sirius made eye contact with Remus and he must have looked terrible because Remus instantly looked concerned, “Are you all right.” He held his hands up like he was approaching a wounded dog.

No. No. He was not all right.

April 13th. The day his younger sister died. He forgot. He forgot the anniversary. Sirius was shaking again. His chest heaved up and down, but he couldn’t get a single breath to actually get into his lungs and to his brain. He was starting to feel lightheaded and sweaty. He felt like he was in his mothers home again- suffocating.

“Okay. You're okay.” Remus said.

Sirius was only vaguely aware that Remus was leading him to the alley right by the bar and had him sit down on the ground.

Sirius looked back to Remus, he was kneeling in front of him, as Sirius sat leaning against the wall.

“I-” Sirius started, but he couldn’t keep going. He thought he was going to die.

I'm going to die. Just like Cass.

“Here, look at me,” Remus said, reaching out slowly. “I'm going to touch you, okay?”

Remus took one of Sirius; hands and placed it on his own chest. Then took Sirius' other hand and put it on Remus’ chest.

“Feel how I'm breathing. In and out slowly. Feel my heartbeat. Keep breathing.”

As Sirius tried to match Remus' breathing he started to feel slightly better- less like he was actually dying.

Sirius tried to talk again, “My sister-” breath. “Died on this day-” breath. “I fucking forgot.”

Remus shook his head, “It’s okay. Keep breathing.” They kept breathing like that for a few minutes.

Sirius eventually took his hand off Remus and dropped his head into his hands. He was now embarrassed. He hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt the tears.

God, he was crying in an alley with a complete stranger. Sirius wondered briefly if he needed to worry about being mugged. He definitely could not fight back at the moment.

Part of Sirius’ brain was able to make a joke, “Still think I’m hot?”

Remus’ face reddened slightly.

“Sorry,” Sirius said. “God, I’m so dramatic.”

Sirius didn’t mean for Remus to hear him, but he responded, “You’d fit right in with the band. Marlene and Reg are full of drama. Always bickering, and complaining.”

Remus smiled at him and stood up. He reached out his hand to help Sirius stand and Sirius only faltered for a second before accepting.

Remus leaned sideways against the wall, looking much cooler than Sirius felt, “wanna smoke?” He held out a carton of cigarettes.

“These will kill you, ya know,” Sirius said as he accepted one.

“Yeah yeah. God you sound like Reg. He always says that.”

Remus held out a lighter. Sirius watched Remus' hands the whole time. He had such long fingers. No wonder he could play guitar so well.

“Are you feeling better?” Remus asked after a minute of them smoking silently.

“Yeah. Sorry, I-” Sirius looked at him, “How did you know what to do? How to help?”
Remus nodded, “Regulus, he gets pretty bad panic attacks.” Then after a beat, “Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. He would kill me.”

“He would probably kill me anyway. I don’t know what I did, but man, he sure seems to hate me. And we only talked for a minute.”

“Eh,” Remus shrugged, “don’t worry about it. It probably has nothing to do with you.”

They were quiet then. There was not much to say. Sirius ground the cigarette into the brick wall, “Thanks. For helping, and for giving my phone back.”

Remus smiled slightly, “No problem.” He took a breath as they started walking back to the main street, “Family is hard. I’m sorry about your sister. What was her name?”

Sirius took a deep breath. James never asked him to talk about it. It had been so long since he said her name out loud. And something about Remus made him feel comfortable. “Cassiopeia. I called her Cass. She hated her name.”

When Sirius said this a strange look washed over Remus’ face. He looked confused. “We all have odd names in my family. All have to do with the stars.” Sirius assumed the confusion was because of the outlandish name. “Sirius is the-”

“Brightest star,” Remus finished. The odd look on his face disappeared.

Shit. Sirius felt himself blushing.

They were both smiling.

“There you are!” Marlene called as she stepped out of the bar, holding on to a redhead. “We were looking for you.”

Regulus came out behind her.

The vibe instantly changed. Whatever was happening between Sirius and Remus would have to wait.

“Thanks again.” Sirius said to the whole group while holding up his phone.

“Come here us play again!” Marlene called.

Sirius made his way back over to his bike feeling very conflicted. As he put on his helmet he noticed Remus and Regulus watching him. He waved and he started off. The last thing he saw was Remus put his arm around Regulus.

Oh. Maybe they were together. Maybe that's why Regulus seemed to hate him so much. So many conflicting feelings rolled around in Sirius as he drove home. Jealousy, anger, sadness, regret.

Once Sirius got home he found himself pulling out a box from under his bed. A box he hadn’t opened in a year. He soon fell asleep on the floor, next to old family pictures. And once he slept, dreamed of the stars.