Dreams
Regulus
Regulus sat in his living room, on the couch, looking at nothing. He couldn’t sleep. He had tried for a couple of hours. After he finally fell asleep he awoke in his recurring nightmare that he was drowning. He never knew why, he was a good swimmer and nothing bad had ever happened to him around water. But still. The dreams came.
The nightmare happened to Regulus often when he was a child. He would thrash around in his bed, the covers tangling him up. This only made the dream worse. The blankets became terrible dark waves in his sleep. Regulus would scream, until Sirius came in and woke him up.
Sirius would hold him as he shook, he could never really describe the dreams to Sirius, but all he needed was Sirius to be there. Regulus could not fall back asleep unless Sirius stayed in the room.
Their mother did not like this one bit. She said that Regulus was weak and just needed to ‘cry himself out.’ She would lock his door from the outside so Sirius couldn't get in. So, in turn, Sirius learned how to pick locks.
After Sirius left, no one came to save Regulus. His cries in the night went unanswered. He was alone. He would drown in his sleep and wake up to a world where he was also drowning. The pressure his mother put on him to be the ‘perfect daughter’ only made things worse. Regulus knew he was supposed to be someone different, he wished for a different life. But in that house, there were no wishes and dreams. Only nightmares.
Regulus woke up the next morning, anxious and angry. Anxious for what was next to come, and angry with himself for what had already happened. The more Regulus ran his interaction with Sirius through his head, the more he regretted it. His brother was alive. That should have made him jump for joy, and curse his mother, but it only made him more anxious. What if Regulus had screwed everything up? What if he never saw Sirius again?
Regulus had this little conversation with himself while sitting on the couch with Remus. It was Saturday and neither one of the boys had to go into work.
“Should we try to work on some new music today?” Remus asked.
Regulus thought about writing lyrics about how he was feeling, but so many songs were already about his brother. His stomach continued to do little backflips.
“Or we can just relax, we have been going hard recently.”
Regulus wanted to answer Remus. He did want to work on music- it always made him feel better. He wanted to talk to Remus and explain everything, but he couldn’t. He was stuck. He wanted to talk, but he couldn’t get the words out. He bobbed his leg up and down and stared into his mug.
Fuck. Get out. Get out.
He meant- get out of his head. When Regulus was little this would happen. He would clam up and spend several days without speaking a single word. He would get stuck. Once he stopped talking, it was hard to start again.
“Hey, where are you today?” Remus asked, turning towards him.
Regulus couldn’t answer, he just shook his head a little. Remus knew to give him time. So they sat together.
Remus stood up a few minutes later and put a record on.
The beginning lines of David Bowies’ “Space Oddity” came through the speakers.
Regulus clenched and unclenched his fists. He tried to visualize his anxiety leaving his body when he opened his fists. One thought circled around Regulus' head, I need to see Sirius. I need to see Sirius.
Remus was telling Regulus something about the vinyl and revolutions when Regulus spat out, “you should text that guy.”
Remus, who had been crouched down, looked over his shoulder. Remus had not been expecting Regulus to answer.
“What?”
“You should text that guy, invite him to the next show.”
Remus was standing now, looking skeptical, “You mean Sirius?”
Regulus felt a wave of anxiety at the sound of Sirius name being spoken aloud, “Yeah.”
“You trying to get me a date. Reg?” Remus laughed as he sat back down on the couch.
“Sure.” Regulus couldn’t bring himself to think about the implications of Sirius and Remus theoretically getting together, he just wanted to see his brother again.
“Yeah… Maybe.” Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes “I don’t know.”
“Why not? I’m sure he would like you.”
“What? We don’t even know if he's queer.” Remus had started blushing.
Oh yeah. Regulus couldn’t explain to Remus how he was completely certain that Sirius liked boys. So he just said, “He had painted nails, piercings, and rainbow laces on his docs.”
“He could just be in touch with his femininity.” Remus said, flicking Regulus.
“It’s worth a shot.”
But of course, Regulus knew Sirius was gay. Sirius told him when Regulus was 15. It was one of the only times Sirius had cried in front of him. The second time was when Sirius ran away from home.
Sirius had been caught with a boy at the big Christmas party. It was bad. Regulus remembered sitting outside the library's locked door as he listened to his mother scream at Sirius. Regulus remembered crying quietly, as Sirius cried on the other side of the wall. Regulus knew at that point that he was different. He knew he was living the wrong life, but didn’t think he would ever be able to be the person he wished to be.
Sirius didn’t know Regulus was there. Didn’t know he had listened in. So that night when their mother had finally stopped, Sirius came crawling into bed with Regulus, but this time, Sirius was crying.
Regulus never forgot the words Sirius whispered that night, that he was going to hell, and he wished he could change.
Sirius didn’t know it, but Regulus thought the same thing about himself.
“Oh my god,” Remus said, pulling Regulus from his thoughts, “He answered.”
Remus pushed the phone in front of Regulus’ face. Texts from Sirius was glowing on the screen:
Remus: Hey :)
Sirius: Who is this?
Remus: It’s Remus from last night. I hope it’s okay I have your number
Sirius: Oh hey Remus :) I am very glad to hear from you
Sirius: I'm glad I didn’t scare you away
Remus: never
Remus: We are playing again next weekend and I’d love to see you in the crowd
Sirius: Hey this might be a long shot but my friends and I are throwing a little party tomorrow night. You should stop by
Sirius: We could have some fun :)
Remus looked at Regulus expectantly, “Should we go? We have to, right?”
Regulus didn't know how to feel, “You should go, I’m not invited.”
At the same moment, Remus’ phone pinged and they both leaned in to look at the message.
Sirius: You can bring your friend if ya want.
So, Regulus would be seeing his brother again. Soon.