insecurities
Danielle never really thought that love at first sight was a real thing. Not that there couldn't be some sort of instant attraction. But all her life she thought that love was something to be cultivated with steadily, a feeling that grows little by little.
She saw it in the love of her parents; every day since she was little. She always grew up thinking that love had to be something very similar to theirs. Her father wanders around the kitchen pretending to help and her mother pretends to get angry. When her mother is cold her father always brings her a blanket on the couch and a cup of tea. The care with which her mother arranges her father's shirts. Every little gesture.
And of course the love that her parents use towards her and her sister, making the same gestures of care and attention. Well, love for Dani is this, not a casual spark, but kindness and care.
Her first and greatest love is music. Dani has always known it. Since she was a child she dreamed of living for music. Maybe she didn't have a plan in mind, at least not always. But deep down she knew somehow that music would always be a constant in her life, something that would always be part of her. And so after so much hard work and difficult moments she became an idol.
Even though she is young Dani knows what it means to undertake the life of an idol. For the love of music and dance, for the love of performing she is willing to do anything.
The effort of the exercises, constant training, dancing for hours until her body memorizes the right movement.
The constant criticism, for everything. the performances, the look, the physical appearance, the way of speaking, of singing.
The wickedness of the higher ups, their desire for control and power, for money.
And obviously also the renunciation of many things; to a life as a normal teenager and also…
Love.
Yes, because in an industry like kpop dating someone like any other person is not that simple.
All those small gestures, experiences and feelings of first love are something that Dani can only experience through movies or books.
And for Dani it was never a problem, the love for music would have been enough for her
or at least that's what she tries to convince herself now.
now that Minji is in her life in all a little bit different
In a way Minji hit her immediately, like the love-at-first.siht-thing, clearly her beauty is undeniable and Dani is a useless gay girl. The first time they met her cheeks were on fire and she couldn't stop giggling, making her ridiculous. But the feelings that Dani now has for Minji have grown over time. When Dani has learned to know every aspect of the older one, her patience, her kindness, and also her dork side, her humor, and so her little insecurities. The two have grown together over the years and so day after day Dani has understood that what she feels for Minji can no longer be simply classified as friendship, but something more.
In Minji she sees again the love that she always imagined as a child. A careful and constant love, full of small gestures and attentions; because Minji is so kind and altruistic.
For a long time Dani has tried to chase away these feelings, she can't have a crush on a friend of hers and especially not on a bandmate. But willpower alone is not enough to erase something so big.
But still the love for music keeps her going. She has no alternatives and maybe that's enough for her. It's enough to spend time with Minji, even just as friends. being together in the studio or on stage, sharing the passion for music anyway. Yeah, that's enough for Danielle.
---
“That's it for today girls, great job!” BlackQ turns off the speakers in the rehearsal room, while he signals to the girls. After hours of rehearsals they can finally take a break. “Minji try to review your steps for next time, today you seem a little out of time, okay?” he says to the girl, it’s not really a warning. Minji was good as always but during the rehearsals she seemed a little off, struggling to keep up with the rest of the group, and that’s definitely not like her.
Minji just nods while she runs a towel over her face to freshen up after the long hours of dancing.
The girls hurry to put their things in their various bags ready to go out, finally a free day to spend together and relax.
However, Dani realizes that the eldest hasn’t moved from her spot yet and joins her, signaling the others to wait outside.
“Unnie are you coming? The car is already outside waiting for us” Dani urges the Korean
“You can go, I’m staying here a little longer. I want to practice.” Minji says smiling, but her voice betrays something.
So Dani starts to worry, everyone has a bad day, but that doesn’t mean she has to torment herself. She would like to try to ask Minji what’s wrong, if there’s something off, but the Korean stops her immediately seeing her confused expression
“it’s all good Dani, go ahead! I just want to review some steps. I’ll call another car soon.” Minji reassures her with a smile, a little more convinced, but still weak.
Dani would like to argue, ask again, and stay with the older one. but she bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself from asking anything else, she doesn’t want to seem insistent and she knows that Minji would hardly open up like that.
Even if still not convinced, Dani says goodbye to Minji and reluctantly leaves.
After returning home and having lunch together, each one went to rest in their own room, a couple of hours have passed and Minji hasn't come back yet, it's not that unusual for one of the girls to be late. It's only 4 pm but Dani can't stay calm, she keeps thinking about Minji, and her look, so different from usual.
She can't pretend nothing is happening, and there's no point in tormenting herself. The curly-haired girl gets dressed and decides to go back. She needs to know where her friend is and how she is.
"Unnie, are you still here?" Dani asks, raising her voice. The Australian girl rushed into the rehearsal room and her worry didn't go away when she saw the older girl sitting on the floor of the room with her headphones in her ears and her back against the wall. Of course, it's not strange to rehearse for a long time and take breaks, but it's definitely bizarre to spend so much time alone after practice. Especially for Minji who is very strict in following the programs and therefore dedicating the right amount of time to rest.
Minji is distracted by the presence of the younger girl, you can see it on her face, her expression changes and her big eyebrows rise in surprise. "Dani? What's going on?" she asks while she takes off her headphones to pay attention to the other one
Dani approaches the other girl, sitting next to her "You tell me, unnie. Why are you still here? I was worried.” Dani asks as her gaze searches for the older one
“Worried? Dani I’ve only been here a couple more hours, it’s not even dark outside” Minji tries to jokes to lighten the situation
“Unnie don’t lie to me, I know something’s wrong, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, but please don’t…” Dani stops, actually she doesn’t know how to continue now. She wants to tell Minji not to lie to her, not to be alone, that she can confide in her, that whatever’s wrong they can deal with it together or find a solution or…really, she doesn’t know, anything that shows the girl that she’s there. But she realizes how banal and silly this is. Of course Minji knows she can count on her, she knows she can count on all her friends. With everything they’ve been through and are still going through today, their bond is so solid that they can always count on each other. Dani also knows that sometimes a person just needs their space, just to process something with their own time and calm.
Danielle lowers her gaze, maybe she really shouldn't have come, she feels a little silly now.
Minji's gaze softens seeing the struggle of the youngest. It's really no secret that Minji has a soft spot for Dani after all these years. and who wouldn't? Dani is definitely the sweetest and most caring girl Minji has ever met and this moment is proof of that.
"Hey" Minji begins softly to find the gaze of the girl next to her "Thanks for checking on me"
At those words a smile immediately appears on Dani's face. She can't help it but every gesture of the older girl has an immediate effect on her mood.
so inevitably Dani looks for the older girl's hands to intertwine them together, for a contact of closeness, a typical gesture of theirs.
but surprisingly the Korean girl withdraws from it, like someone who is burned. and so in return the youngest. Dani begins to overthink. Is it possible that she did something that annoyed Minji? physical contact has never been a problem between them.
even after Dani came out, none of the girls ever showed a sense of discomfort in her proximity, they are all open-minded and have accepted Dani, they love and respect each other even in this
and on her side Danielle when she understood her true feelings for the other girl never gave up a touch, a caress, without necessarily seeing anything more than what it is, affection. One of the ways of her love language is precisely physical contact and it has never been a source of embarrassment or malice. and so Minji has always sought and shown affection for the youngest even like this.
Did Minji understand something? Does she feel uncomfortable now next to Danielle?
Dani's brain is racing, but before she can continue, Minji's voice interrupts her, so low it's almost a whisper
"I'm sorry." Minji says, looking down. Her hands continue to torment themselves, squeezing them and twisting them around, or stretching the sleeves of her sweatshirt as if to hide them, a habit Dani has never seen her do. "I really don't feel like myself today."
"I-it’s ok unnie." Dani reassures her "Is it... did something happen? Are you okay?" she finally asks, tired of beating around the bush
Minji lets out a deep sigh before leaning her head against the wall and closing her eyes "it's silly"
Dani would like to try to take the girl's hand again to encourage her to continue, but seeing the reaction from a few moments ago, she can't.
“Minji..” she simply says, it’s not like her to drop the honorifics, but since it’s just the two of them Dani wants to let Minji know that nothing she says could be foolish to her. The curly-haired girl moves closer, just a few millimeters, just enough so that their knees touch, she wants to make her presence felt in some way.
“Okay, fine. This morning I read some stupid comments from someone on Twitter and… I don’t know, I mean I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t think about it but I can’t help it. I just… they keep coming back to me and… well, I think I feel like I’m feeling it” Minji straightens up a bit now and looks at her hands “Inadequate”
Dani breathes a sigh of relief. Not that she’s relieved to know that the girl is sick or that someone could even imagine being able to insult her freely on the internet, but she was afraid that something more serious had happened.
“Minji unnie, we always talk about these things, even with others. You know we shouldn't dwell on negative comments. Especially when they are pure hate. You are the first to tell us!”
“i know , I know. you’re right” Minji pauses “it was…it was about my appearance and…my hands” Minji laughs bitterly, to hide the obvious sense of sadness and discomfort
“what?” Dani asks confused
“It's stupid right? I know. just a comment about my hands being too big and too masculine or whatever and…” Minji shrugs her shoulders and they continue to twirl her hands “but it’s true in the end. I already know my hands aren’t like yours, right? Do I really have such big hands? What does un-feminine mean? I think that’s what they said.”
It’s not the first time Minji has experienced online hate, and for the stupidest reasons, like stupid noodles or whatever they were, and she had also previously shown discomfort when labeled as an oppa; now Dani feels a sense of anger growing inside her. She comes to hate anyone who can make the other girl doubt her beauty. about any part of her body, no one should have that power over Minji. Dani understands why she pulled away before and why she continues to torment herself now.
“Minji I-” Dani reaches out to affirm both of the girl’s hands and hold them in hers. This time the older one doesn’t pull away, but raises her sad gaze to meet the serious one of the younger one “I love your hands.” Dani declares with a seriousness a little too firm for the sentence
“What? Minji giggles in confusion
“Yes, I really do, I love your hands.” Dani reiterates naturally and decisively “they’re big so what? look” the Australian says, raising her hand and the girl’s hand in front of her together, so that their palms are perfectly joined, even though Dani’s fingers don’t reach the tip of Minji’s, and in general her size remains smaller. “I think it’s the perfect size.” she continues keeping her eyes fixed on their joined hands “yes, they’re perfect for… for holding my hands. see?”
“mhh i see” a small smile appears on the older one’s face. her gaze lingers only for a moment on their hands, before returning to Dani’s face amused by her seriousness and sweetness
“and then they’re always warm. Always. and mine are always cold. So you can warm me up every time. They really are the perfect hands.”
Minji nods, smiling now. It’s not that her insecurity has disappeared or that she actually believes that hers are somehow the perfect hands, but she can feel the sincerity of Dani’s words and that’s enough to make her feel better
“Unnie, listen I don’t want to say that it’s not important how you feel or in some way diminish your insecurities, but…they have to remain just that ok? Just thoughts that they know or not to be real. People will always find something to criticize, but it doesn’t mean that it’s true or that we have to let it affect our lives. and even though some things may seem true to us they are not always flaws, I love the way you are--I mean people, people who care about you love the way you are”
Minji nods confidently now “you’re right Dani” Minji often thinks that it’s her job to protect the other members forgetting that Dani who always seems carefree and cheerful is also very reliable.
and after a few seconds of silence that is too serious Minji notices that Danielle hasn’t let go of her hand yet and a smirk reappears “so you really love my hands” it’s true that Dani is the queen of the rizz but Minji can play her game, especially if the youngest isn’t expecting it; and in fact Dani blushes faintly and without thinking tries to withdraw her hand, still resting on Minji’s, but the Korean holds her still, they start making small circles with their thumbs on the back of her hand.
“your hands are really cold, should we go?”
Dani nods smiling shyly, with a slight shade of pink that still hasn’t left her cheeks
The two get up and leave the building with their fingers still intertwined in each other.
TW !!!! this second part contains references to food, eating disorders etc. if you are not comfortable with these topics skip !!!!!
----
It's Dani's turn to try on dresses for their next performance and as always Dani can't help but be excited. Even though she's done this countless times before she's still grateful and excited to try on new clothes and styles and work with great professionals.
They're almost at the end of the fitting when the stylists fix something for a final confirmation when one of them starts to adjust Dani's top "honey you have the perfect body."
Dani smiles and lowers her head slightly in gratitude "thank you so much"
"no really your waist is so tiny and your hips are slim" the stylist continues while the other nods in approval
"please don't ever change" she says as she grabs a tape measure to measure her waist "yeah as I thought you have the body of a model. just try to be careful."
Dani frowns in confusion
" don't overdo the diet or restrictions. The audience doesn't like to see a toothpick. I repeat, honey, for us you are perfect, but you can't even expect someone to like seeing you skin and bones. keep eating mhh? Look at this little waist. You can get something at the buffet, put on some fat" she gestures to her colleague "you really are so thin. we don't want people to think you have an eating disorder" the two laugh sparingly "you don't have one, right?" they continue laughing
Dani is visibly uncomfortable, she shifts her weight from one foot to the other not knowing how to react to all this "Are we done for today?"
"oh? yes yes go ahead"
Dani had never been treated this way by anyone on her team, everyone is always not only kind but above all attentive to important and fragile issues such as eating disorders. This goes beyond lack of professionalism, but touches on lack of inhumanity...
Dani is aware that what those stylists said was anything but accurate and unhealthy, but she can't get certain thoughts out of her head, even after returning home. It's true, she is a skinny girl. it's not news, she has always been slim and especially becoming an idol you have to pay attention to your diet. but not exclusively and for appearances, but for this life you have a team that keeps you fit with a healthy and balanced diet and you constantly exercise. this is just her body..
and yet in her room now Dani is looking for the most oversized sweatshirt in her entire wardrobe. as if she were suddenly hyper aware of how others perceive her. She has always been comfortable with herself and her body, but the way those women talked about her made her feel somehow wrong, as if her body now didn't really belong to her but was there for others, for an audience that could approve of her or not. and so maybe it's better to hide.
"Unnie it's like 25 degrees aren't you hot in that?" Hyein asks the Australian pointing to her sweatshirt.
they are all together in the living room waiting for Hanni who has decided to prepare dinner for tonight
Dani is awakened from her thoughts and shakes her head "i'm fine" she says despite the fact that her tone suggests that it is not at all like that
"it's almost ready" Hanni rejoices
at the smell coming from the kitchen Dani's stomach turns on itself. She fights the urge to wrap her arms around her belly, to make herself small. She feels her stomach growling from hunger and at the same time the thought of eating now makes her feel nauseous.
"Are you okay Unnie?" Haerin asks seeing her friend's pale face
"mhh I'm a little tired and not very hungry. I'm going to my room to rest"
---
Dani is curled up in her bed, when someone knocks on her door
"come in"
"hey, I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you something. Are you okay?" Minji enters the room slowly with a tray and a sweet smile
Dani gets up from the bed and takes the tray from the other girl's hands "Oh yesss I'm fine. I'm just not hungry. thank you so much unnie"
"Ok then what's wrong?" Minji always asks with a sweet tone but evidently more serious
“what? What do you mean, I’m fine” Dani tries to giggle “just a little off today. rehearsals tired me out”
Minji doesn’t say anything, her gaze always serious, while she watches Dani carefully. either Dani is really bad at telling lies or Minji knows her well by now. or maybe both.
The youngest knows that look, Minji probably won’t leave before getting an answer out of her.
Dani snorts
“Okay fine. I’m just-- today at the dress fitting-” Dani grimaces at the thought, she really doesn’t know how to explain what happened or more than anything her reaction to what happened
seeing that the youngest doesn’t make any sign to continue Minji starts to really worry now “Today what? What happened? What if someone did to you-”
“no! Minji unnie nothing serious happened just…someone just made some comments, I mean a strange speech about.. about me, I think and about the fact that I’m too skinny and my waist is so thin, that maybe I should gain more weight. I don’t know, it made me feel uncomfortable”
“What? How dare they.. I- I- You give me the names, I’ll give a warning to them.” Minji almost starts to stammer in anger
“Minji, please calm down. with everything that's going on do you really think it's worth making a fuss about something like this?"
"yeah sure sure I think so, they can't talk to you like that. I don't care what it could mean"
"listen I get it, you're right, but maybe we can wait. I- I really don't want to think about it right now" Dani sighs tiredly
Minji doesn't want to wait, she wants to address the situation and the managers right away and take those women back, but she sees the sadness on Danielle's face and she never wants to force her into a position that she doesn't want and doesn't feel comfortable with. So even if she's torn she sighs and tries to push away the annoyance she feels.
The only thing that matters to her now is the girl in front of her. She can't even think about how someone could take away the Australian girl's smile.
"hey you know you shouldn't think about it, right? We talked about it the other day, certain comments shouldn't distress us." Minji takes a few steps towards the other
Dani nods forcing a weak smile
"It's not just about your looks Dani. Do you understand me? Are you okay, are you healthy?”
do you eat when you’re hungry? and do you eat healthily but without limiting yourself?” and Dani nods again, more convincingly now “do you like and love yourself?” another slight nod
“yes yes absolutely unnie you’re right” Dani slowly bites her lip hesitantly “it’s as if I suddenly felt so exposed and at the mercy of other people’s gaze. But I know that this doesn’t just concern my appearance, but mainly my health. But at the same time they made me feel..I don’t know-”
“they have no right to judge you Dani”
“i know.”
Minji knows that Danielle knows how important this conversation actually is, but she still sees the hesitation in her
“If I have to say… you’re fit Dani” Minji tries to sound joking to lighten the situation, but the cheerful tone only hides her true thoughts. She really thinks that Dani is crazy, all of her.
Dani who has continued to keep her gaze down now raises it with a twinkle in her eyes, suddenly self aware of the girl’s proximity
“you think?” Dani chirps. It's true that this situation makes her vibrate with excitement, but she can’t help but flirt back, even if it’s just a joke.
“Of course” and so Minji boldly, pretending not to feel her heart pounding in her chest raises her hand and grabs the zipper of Dani’s sweatshirt, looking up to search for some kind of hesitation in the other, but is greeted only by a winking smile. the first sincere one of the day for Dani. and so she starts to lower the other's zipper.
"you are beautiful" Minji says unable to keep from blushing "and...your body tea" the two both laugh at the way the compliment came out to Minji, at her accent that has now become Australian, but they both hide another feeling under those snickers
What perhaps both started as a joke, or at least that's what they thought, is becoming a serious situation, but one that neither of them want to back away from. and that makes them feel new feelings.
"I really mean it Dani". Minji tries to get serious again. "your waist is small, yeah but perfect, so delicate." Minji's gaze is fixed on Dani's belly and the Australian swallows as she observes, sliding the sweatshirt down her shoulders, exposing even more skin.
a little lost in her thoughts Minji stretches out her fingers and places one of her hands on the other's hip
"you know, when you said the other day that my hands are perfect for being in yours..but I think they're perfect for this, just...it feels so natural that they're..here. I can't help but place my hands on your waist when you're near me." maybe Minji doesn't realize she really said those words because as soon as her gaze rises and meets the other's she clears her throat and her eyes waver, scared
Dani remains still, close contact between the two is not uncommon, but these sudden words from Minji and the fact that they are alone in a room makes her agitated and electrified, she feels her face burning.
But Minji, despite the agitation, strangely doesn't pull away but keeps her grip on the girl and makes her turn around, the two now face the mirror in Dani's room.
The youngest, if possible, is even more thrilled by the situation, seeing the image of herself and Minji so close and with the girl's hand still clasped around her.
"Look, this is how I always see you. Beautiful, don't you think so?"
Minji still keeps her gaze away from Dani's face, remaining on her low belly and abs. Minji flexes her fingers just a little further forward towards Dani's abdomen. She touches it lightly, back and forth, tracing imaginary paths, it would be almost an imperceptible movement, but Dani feels it well, strong and distinct. Hot. The point where Minji's fingers rest seems to be on fire, and now her cheeks are not the only thing burning in her. A fire that blazes throughout her body. Especially in a very specific low point.
“smooth and soft” Minji whispers, so softly that Dani doesn’t know if she’s really saying it or if she’s just imagined it
Dani stays in the air, her gaze constantly shifts from Minji’s hands to her face, to herself, to the way Minji is looking at her. The Australian girl is tense and clenches her fists in the sleeves of her sweatshirt, and at that moment Minji’s gaze rises and the two of them look into each other’s eyes through the mirror.
the Korean girl sees something in Dani’s gaze that she’s never seen before, and maybe it’s the same feeling that she saw in herself for a moment in the mirror, and she’s suddenly struck by the awareness of the situation and her actions, so far from her usual way of acting. and so she pulls away abruptly, and both are awakened from the trance they’d fallen into.
“s-sorry. I was j-just” Minji whispers, stammering, avoiding the other’s gaze in every way, but Dani immediately interrupts her “Thanks unnie” she says softly smiling
Minji smiles back, calmer now, but that strange feeling doesn't leave her and so she quickly leaves the room.