Epiphany
Draco-Epiphany
Someone's daughter, someone's mother
Holds your hand through plastic now
"Doc, I think she's crashing out"
And some things you just can't speak about
Only 20 minutes to sleep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen
November 18th, 2001
There were certain things in life that one could imagine what an experience felt like, but they would never know until they were in that moment themselves. One of the most horrid for Draco had been receiving the dark mark that was still seared into his arm years later.
He had been freshly sixteen, a mere boy prancing around in adult clothing. It was an honor to receive the brand, he had been told. Draco’s entire life his father had worn that tattoo as a badge of honor and it had been pounded into Draco that he had the same fate waiting for him. He had been excited when the news had been given to him, a late birthday present he had figured.
That was until he saw his mother’s worried face, tear tracks staining her cheeks. Then the question of why his father wasn’t here giving him the good news. Draco Malfoy was not stupid, and so when he heard of his father’s arrest, the dark mark of Lord Voldemort became a stain on his skin, not an adornment.
An experience he had looked forward to his entire life was not one of positivity, it was one of punishment. The summer before sixth year turned into weeks of dreading the ceremony. Draco had nightmares of how painful receiving it would be, of how stupid he had been to think the mark was anything more than a fucking dog collar. At sixteen he was to bear the sins of the Malfoy family, at sixteen Draco finally saw his family's achievements as the crimes they were.
A milestone in Draco’s short life, one that was supposed to be a celebration, had turned into a death sentence. And today, he was experiencing the horror all over again. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t right! He survived through the war, he lived and he never slipped off that fucking tower edge like he had wanted to! And while they weren’t in love, he had a loving relationship with his wife. They were friends, they were partners and it was more than he could’ve ever wished for in life.
For months he and Astoria had been ecstatic. They only had three people to share it with, but it didn’t matter because they were happy. It had been a clause in their marriage contract, but it didn’t matter because they had wanted it to happen anyways. They had both been absolutely terrified, but it didn’t matter because they had each other.
It had never been the life Draco would’ve envisioned for himself, or thought he probably deserved, but he grabbed at it with both hands. Astoria showing up on his front steps, and then Theo months later, had been a blessing in disguise of a betrothal contract. He’d started to sleep a tad better again, it wasn’t the same as with Hermione but he would never compare the two women anyways.
They were similar in so many ways, neither of them ever put up with an attitude and they both had a know it all attitude. A main difference though, was the feeling of corruption. Astoria, while kind and forgiving, had also been raised the same as he. She understood the pressure he had been under, her family not as entrenched with the Dark Lord but certainly sharing the same values. In fact, her father was serving time in Azkaban after being ratted on by multiple high up death eaters.
Draco, while still feeling that Astoria could do much better than being tied down to him for the rest of her life, didn’t feel like he was absolutely besmearing her name. They didn’t have a history of hating each other and watching another be tortured, they didn’t have much of a past at all and it felt like a fresh slate.
And so when Astoria had waved her wand showing two golden orbs in front of her stomach, they had celebrated. They were young, yes, but it wasn’t something that they hadn’t grown up being around. For once in his life, Draco looked on the positive side of the galleon. He was going to be a father, and to twins no less! His children were going to be surrounded by love that wasn’t demanded just because they shared blood. Draco actually laughed himself to tears when Tori suggested Potter and Theo to be the twins' godfathers, but he nodded his head in agreement because who loved greater than those two.
And so when Astoria had gone into labor, her eyes bright with panic but excitement, Draco had been by her side. He let her squeeze his hand to the point he was sure she’d broken a bone or two but he kept his mouth shut. He encouraged her and went through those breathing exercises that the muggles had taught them that he wasn’t sure they didn’t just make up, and he let her call him every insult in the dictionary.
The first birth had been easy enough as the delivery healer had said, wrapping the first baby up in a blanket and letting the natal healers check him over. Everything had been going good until it wasn’t. Astoria had been crying but it wasn’t her tears that alerted him that anything had been wrong, it had been the look of occluding he’d caught on the main healer’s face when he looked back up at them.
“The second baby is breached, we’ll have to do a C-section” he had said, his voice low and smooth. Draco and Astoria had researched all possibilities when they had found out they were expecting. He knew a breech baby wasn’t good in both the wizarding and muggle world, but they had magic on their side here. It was worrisome but they had magic and magic could do wonders…it was magical for Salazar’s sake!
They had taken the first baby out of the room, giving him a clean bill of health. Draco watched, wanting to go after his son but not willing to leave his wife and un-birthed one alone. Tori was in so much pain, he wasn’t even sure she knew what was going on. Draco tried to bark orders and demands for anyone to help her through the pain but she just kept screaming. They were screams of pain that brought tears to his eyes and he could do nothing as he had forfeited his wand when he entered the delivery room.
He just watched as she breathed in and out with tears falling into her open mouth. There were healers running everywhere now as he stood stock still beside his wife’s bed. Draco swore he heard a healer yell, “She’s crashing out” but he couldn’t be sure because he’d been so honed in on Tori’s whimpers of pain. And then, there was silence, with nothing but a baby’s wail sounding in the room.
Finally, she did it. Their sons were here and Tori had done it. Draco turned to look at Tori to find she was already staring at him, her eye’s unmoving. He’d seen eyes like that, he knew eyes like that visited him nightly. “No, no, no, no, no” Draco muttered, shaking his head frantically. It was a nightmare, this was another night terror and he needed to wake up.
“Draco!” a voice called but it wasn’t the one he wanted. “Malfoy!” another one called, but all Draco could do was continue shaking his head no. It made no sense, she wasn’t gone. He looked at the scene before him and it was war. The bed in front of him was from war, he had never escaped.
Draco couldn’t breathe as he clawed at his throat. He was going to die, he was always going to die and he would never protect anyone. He would always fail and he would always fall with the dead too.
My name is Draco Malfoy.
I’m 21 years old.
I’m okay
He repeated his saying, over and over again, trying to calm himself. But everything wasn’t okay, it wasn’t okay.
My name is Draco Malfoy.
I’m 21 years old.
He looked back at the bloodied bed and the yelling healers.
My name is Draco Malfoy.
I’m 21 years old.
I’m not okay.
“I’m sorry, Drake” was the last thing he could comprehend before death was at his door.
xXx
When Draco had finally woken, it was to find himself in a hospital bed. It was a knee jerk reaction to try and stand, but as soon as he was up from the bed, he was pushed back down. His panic grew as he tried again, an invisible ward pushing him back down.
“Draco, if you keep panicking they’re going to have to knock you out again” called the voice he’d taunted since age eleven.
“Potter-Harry what’s going on? I had the worst” Draco choked on his panic, “the worst nightmare. Where’s-where’s Tori?”
Harry just looked at him, his eyes were shining in the lowlight of the hospital room. “Mate-” Harry cut himself off with a sob, “don’t make me say it. Please-” his friend begged and Draco felt his legs go out from under him.
“That’s not-no” Draco’s own breathing became ragged again. “We’re friends now. We stopped lying to each other, we stopped being mean to each other” he felt his own tears burning his eyes, he was going to throw up.
Somehow, Harry got to his side in an instant. Draco was limp as he let Harry guide him into a hug. They didn’t do hugs, Draco did hugs with no one, but he couldn’t think as he sobbed into his childhood nemesis' arms’. Out of all those times he’d woken up from a night terror, convinced it was real, well they were nothing compared to the real thing. It was a clawing feeling, gripping him in his bones, telling him that Tori was gone.
And it hurt, it hurt the same as when he watched Granger scream on his manor floor. It wasn’t something he was sure he could ever speak about because he was sure he’d die from the pain. “The boys,” Draco started, his vision blurry. He hadn’t even gotten to see his sons before his wife was dead on a table.
“They’re with your mother and Theo” Harry said gently, his green eyes bright. Even Narcissa had said how much they were like Harry’s mother, Lily. Did his sons inherit their mother’s eyes? Would people tell them they had their mothers eyes, just for them to never see her eyes for themselves?
“Would you like to see them?” Harry asked, standing from the bed. Draco couldn’t speak, he was too exhausted to do anything but nod. It was a blur as they walked a few rooms down the hallway, Draco couldn’t think of anything, his mind numb.
As they entered the room that housed his sons, he was immediately in arms with Theo. Honestly he couldn’t tell you if he had grabbed his friend in a stupor or if Theo had been waiting for him. All their lives, they had both been told that grown men don’t cry, but the wails that came from both of them matched the baby cries in the room. Time wasn’t present as he clung to his best friend, to who he was sure was Astoria’s platonic soulmate.
Eventually they pulled away from each other, his mother waiting for him then too. Draco couldn’t imagine the last time he’d shared a fierce hug from his mother. Her arms were strong, her eyes misty but unshakable. Draco drew as much strength from her as he could and a baby cry rang out. He was a father now, he had to be strong.
It was Harry who placed one of his sons in his arms. The baby quietend his cries to little mewls, his eyes opening to show gray with the smallest hint of blue. It was one of those things again, how for months he had imagined what it would be like to hold his son. And now it was here and it was simultaneously the best and worst day of his life.
Such an innocent soul cuddled into his chest, like Draco had never done anything bad in his life, like he was worthy of being the infant's protector. The baby had no idea he would be without a mother, all he would know was the love of a father, Draco thought. But then he looked up to see his mother settling beside him on the couch, Theo and Harry across from them looking down at his other son.
“They don’t have names yet, we know you and Astoria were keeping them a surprise” his mother said quietly, in an attempt to not startle either baby. They had been keeping it a secret, Astoria wanted to surprise his mother with continuing the Black family naming tradition. Draco sniffed, another tear finding it way down his cheek.
“Scorpius” he said, looking down at the boy in his arms. He had white, almost translucent, hair covering the top of his head and a look of peace that must’ve come from Tori. His mum gasped beside him before starting to sniffle. Theo stood now, stealing the baby from Harry, before coming over and settling on his other side.
Draco passed Scorpius over to his mother and sadly watched as she finally broke, starting to quietly weep over her grandson. His other son wore a similar look of peace, still asleep unlike Scorpius. “Hey bud, can you wake up for me. Just for a second” Draco whispered, running his finger down the slope of his nose. His son blearily opened his eyes for a moment before turning into Draco’s arms, returning to his slumber.
“I think he looks like a Sterling” Draco said, taking in the slate grey of his son's eyes. Scorpius had been set as it was Astoria’s favorite, and Draco had been given a litany of other celestial names to choose from.
“Little star” his mother said through her once more tears. It fit well, Draco thought, as Sterling was just a wee bit smaller.
“The Scorpion and The Little Star” Theo said, looking at the two boys that came from his two best friends.
xXx
It hadn’t been the first time Draco had seen a dead body, but it was the first time he had time to truly stare at one. It still made no sense to see his wife like that, even staring at her unmoving and pale body didn’t help make him believe she was gone.
He watched her chest, waiting for it to move up and down. It didn’t.
Draco stared at Astoria Malfoy. Would she want Greengrass on her headstone, or would she rather stick with Malfoy? He had tried to contact her mother and sister, but they wanted nothing to do with him, the twins, or the funeral. Draco didn’t understand their uncaring towards his wife’s death. Astoria was their daughter, their sister, she was someone’s mother and they didn’t care about any of those titles his precious wife held.
Stepping closer, Draco took her graying hand. She had a sheet over her, like that would do much of anything. Holding her hand through plastic, Draco waited for her to squeeze back like she always did. She didn’t.
Not understanding anymore than before he had come down to the morgue, Draco left. He went back home, not comprehending that Astoria would stay where she was and not follow him home to their boys. Harry, Theo, and his mother had taken on a schedule to help him with the newborns all the while one of them would randomly burst into tears.
Draco was instructed to take a nap the moment he walked in the doorway and he couldn’t fight the order even if he wanted to. He’d only gotten about twenty minutes to sleep before his nightmares came for him, but those twenty minutes were an epiphany of sunny fields and blonde boys with curly hair squealing with delight. He held onto the glimpse of relief as he carried on through the following months, slowly trying to make sense of what he’d seen.