Part One
The summer of ‘76 was far from perfect, yet it would forever stay Sirius’ favourite.
The Potters’ lawn was green and neatly kept, with Quidditch posts standing tall, their shadows stretching across the grass. Sirius had taken a liking to sitting on the back porch, lazing around and occasionally watching James practise his flying.
But mostly, he just laid there with his eyes closed, enjoying the weather, with the sun out and warming his skin more often than not.
Contrary to what most might think, given his pale complexion, he quite enjoyed the tingling warmth against his skin. It reminded him that there were still things out there to cherish and enjoy.
To love.
And love he did. He loved the various pies Euphemia baked for them, using freshly picked fruits and berries. Loved the time they all spent together. Loved eating dinner out on the porch, as a family. Loved listening to James rant about this and that. Loved it when Remus and Peter came over to hang out.
He especially loved listening to music with Remus in his room. Loved lying by his side and didn’t mind when their sweaty shoulders touched. Loved the sparks starting in his toes and spreading up to his head, a rush not unlike being doused in icy water.
That summer showed him what love could be.
***
Sirius often woke up sticky with sweat. Panting for breath, finding it hard to regulate his breathing until several minutes passed. Sometimes James would rush to his side to help, keeping a hand on Sirius’ back and breathing slowly with him, in and out.
But this time, James was still fast asleep, and Sirius couldn’t remember what to do; his mind still foggy with sleep. He kept telling himself to just breathe, but it was like the air could never fully reach his lungs.
“Pads?” a groggy voice called from the doorway. Sirius hadn’t even noticed it opening. Only recognizing who it was when the mattress sagged with their weight and he could manage a proper look at their face.
Of course it was Remus. The boy barely slept, and when he did the littlest thing could wake him.
“Hey, hey,” Remus said carefully, placing a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You’re okay, just breathe. Breathe with me, Sirius, in and out. In and out. In, and out.”
Sirius followed his instructions, trying his very best to match his breath to Remus’.
“There you go. Good job.” Remus’ hand moved in comforting circles across Sirius’ back, keeping him steady.
Once Sirius eventually calmed down, he reached up and wiped his cheeks dry.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius croaked out, refusing to make eye contact. The hand on his back stopped circling.
“Sorry? Sirius, look at me,” Remus said, gripping his shoulder lightly. Sirius did as he was told, reluctantly turning his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing, you hear me? I don’t want to hear any ‘sorry’s from you about this, okay? Not now, not if it happens again in the future. Never.”
Another tear crept down Sirius’ cheek, but before he could turn away and wipe it, Remus’ thumb swiped across his cheek in a swift but tender move.
“Okay?” His voice was steady, and his hand was still cupping Sirius’ cheek.
Sirius nodded, moving his hand up to place it over Remus’. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Remus whispered, smiling weakly. “Goodnight, Sirius.”
Sirius’ heart dropped. He didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to have to think with no one around. Couldn’t.
After a beat of silence, Remus stood up, yawned, and just as he started walking away, Sirius grabbed a fistful of his scrappy t-shirt – the one he always wore to bed out of school – and spoke up quickly,
“Remus?” His cheeks felt hot, and he knew it wasn’t just from the tears. Remus turned around to look at him. Sirius cleared his throat before speaking with a shaky voice,
“Stay, please?”
Remus’ eyebrows were raised, making Sirius feel even more embarrassed. He felt like crying again.
“Yeah, okay,” Remus said softly, his voice gentle. He walked the two short steps back to the bed and climbed in beside Sirius.
Sirius’ heart was pounding loud enough that he was sure Remus could hear it through the quiet. His palms were even more sweaty than before, and his exhales shook with his heartbeat. He closed his eyes, turned towards the wall and shuffled a bit closer to it. He raised his hand to his face and pressed it firmly against his forehead, thinking nothing but, what’s wrong with you, and, really, Sirius?
“Goodnight, Padfoot,” Remus whispered, breaking his train of thought.
“Night,” Sirius whispered back. Even to his own ears, the reply felt empty.
He could feel the warmth of Remus under the covers. Hear his breathing, sometimes feel it too, in the rising of his shoulders against his own.
It took him a while to fall back asleep that night.
***
Breakfast that day felt off.
Sirius kept avoiding eye contact with Remus throughout the entire morning.
He only sparsely made it with James, who must’ve noticed Sirius’ shift in behaviour for he kept looking his way with furrowed brows and a confused expression.
When breakfast finished, Sirius quickly got up and – mostly for lack of anything better to do – started doing the dishes, which Euphemia protested.
“I’ll take care of that, love, you go do something else,” she ushered with a warm smile.
The only problem with that was the fact that Sirius was desperately trying to avoid having to talk to either Remus or James. Peter might’ve been fine, but he was away on a trip with his family to Greece.
Sirius had managed approximately five minutes alone, without James trying to pester him, before he eventually got cornered sitting under the big oak tree in the garden.
The one they had carved all four of their initials on the summer between first and second year.
“Pads? What is going on with you today? You’ve been ignoring both me and Remus since breakfast,” James said, sitting down cross legged next to him on the morning-dewy grass.
Sirius simply grunted before letting his head drop onto his drawn up knees.
“I had another dream, and I woke up not breathing right.” Sirius sneaked a quick look at James, who was watching him intently.
He sighed before continuing,
“And Remus must’ve heard, ‘cause he came ‘round and helped me through it.”
James was still sitting quietly next to him, listening attentively.
“He did that thing you usually do, making me copy your breathing, yeah? And it helped.” Sirius looked over at James again.
“I don’t get it? That’s a good thing innit?” he asked, looking rightly confused.
“Yeah, no, that’s good. It’s just that afterwards, I didn’t want him to leave.” Sirius had to close his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat up.
“Alright, but you usually ask me to stay too. Sirius, I don’t see what the problem is here. You’re not getting to the point.”
Sirius exhaled shakily, realising what he was about to confess.
“It wasn’t the same as with you.” James sighed, visibly frustrated by Sirius’ stalling.
“When I’m with him… It’s not the same as with you or with Peter. It’s different. I look at him and I feel… different? I can’t explain it.”
James glanced down at the grass for a moment before speaking.
“Do you think you could maybe try?”
Sirius swallowed dryly before nodding. It took him a bit to muster up the courage needed to continue.
“When he was laying next to me, and I could feel his breathing, his heartbeat, everything just clicked.” Sirius’ heart was pounding hard in his chest, begging James to understand.
“And when he looks at me, and only me, it’s like I can feel it in my bones.”
James turned to look at him now.
“I think I fancy him, James,” he said on a single exhale.
James raised his eyebrows, mouth hanging open around an unspoken vowel.
“Oh.”
Sirius' heart dropped. Maybe James wouldn’t accept this part of him after all.
He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to spill over. This was what he had been scared of ever since figuring himself out sometime during fifth year.
Him being queer wasn’t really the problem. Sirius could come to face with a lot about himself, like the fact that his parents no longer saw him as their own, and the fact that he had never really felt anything real for the girls he’d been with.
The thing that hurt the most, and the problem at hand, was that he was terrified of the people he loved not accepting him for who he was. For even if the wizarding kind had come further in terms of queerness than muggles. Not everyone held the same acceptance and openness to it.
All Sirius wanted was to feel accepted and loved, through any- and everything.
Time felt like it had stopped. The two of them sitting in stasis, never daring to look directly at the other.
“Erm… I don’t fancy you too, if that’s sumn’ you’re worried about,” Sirius croaked hoarsely around the lump in his throat.
“Oh, Padfoot, come here,” James said, holding out his arms, ready to embrace his best friend.
Sirius practically fell into his arms. He clung to him as if he were a lifeline.
James’ hug was tight and comforting, as always, full of warmth and sparkling with love.
They sat there just hugging for a while, not saying a word, until James spoke up.
“I’m just shocked is all,” he whispered into Sirius’ hair.
“You had me scared.” The tears in Sirius’ eyes welled over, staining James’ shirt.
“Sorry, I don’t know what to say. I mean, anyone can love whoever, right?” James said, chuckling awkwardly.
“Right.” Sirius smiled, sniffling a little.
Sirius felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like he could finally stretch his back and roll out his aching joints.
“So… Do you still like girls, or?” James asked tentatively after a while.
Sirius chuckled, albeit still a bit teary. He shook his head, looking down at the grass and fidgeting with a single blade of it.
“Nah, at least I don’t think I do.” His cheeks were glowing red, but he was sporting a shy smile now too.
“Alright. You think you’ve a shot then?” James nudged Sirius playfully on the shoulder.
“Funny,” Sirius deadpanned, looking up for a second before returning to his grass blade once again. “I don’t know. He might not even be queer, James. He’s never said anything.” Sirius plucked up the grass blade he was fiddling with and continued on picking at the next one.
“I think you do, got a shot, I mean.” James was looking up at the sky now, nodding to himself. “It’s also not like being queer is something to go parading unless you want to start an argument. I get why most people keep quiet about it.”
Sirius felt so elated he could probably float away if he set his mind to it. James always knew the right things to say to make people feel better, even if he wasn’t aware of it himself.
“You know, I’ve seen the way he looks at you sometimes. It’s like he can’t help himself.” He smiled and turned to look at Sirius.
“Yeah?” Sirius whispered, wiping his cheeks.
“Yup!” James said, suddenly pushing up off the ground and to his feet. “I think you should go talk to him. He’s been looking awfully mopey with you ignoring us.”
James offered a hand for Sirius to pull himself up, which he accepted, albeit a little hesitant.
They walked inside together, only splitting after having spotted Remus.
He was sitting in the living room with a cuppa in hand and some book – that Sirius suspected was muggle – in the other.
He only looked up once Sirius cleared his throat, looking startled.
“Can we talk?” Sirius asked, feeling very much uncomfortable standing stiffly in the middle of the Potters’ living room, talking to his best friend, recently – or not so recently – turned friend he fancies.
“Oh, uh, yeah. You alright?” Remus asked, sounding uptight. He put down his book, leaving it splayed open upside down on the coffee table.
“Yeah, yeah, just wanted to talk to you about yesterday.”
Sirius cheeks were flushed red, he hoped Remus did not notice.
“Ah, want to go somewhere quiet?” he asked, offering Sirius a small smile.
Sirius only nodded, busy gnawing at the inside of his cheek.
They made their way upstairs to Sirius’ room, with Remus closing the door behind them.
“Alright?” he said, having turned around.
Sirius was sitting on his bed whilst Remus stood leaning against the door.
Sirius nodded casually before jumping into conversation.
“So, about yesterday,” he started, sighing shakily. “I know we didn’t talk about it then, but that happens quite often. The not breathing thing.”
Remus cocked his eyebrows. He looked to be deep in thought, contemplating whether or how to respond.
“Is it something you usually deal with on your own?” he asked.
“Sometimes yeah, James is used to helping me through it though.” Sirius’ leg was bouncing up and down relentlessly.
“Oh, figured.” Sirius couldn’t quite cipher through Remus' expression at that. It was one he had not seen directed his way in a long while.
“What I really came to tell you is that I’m not…” he paused to sort through his mind. “I don’t want things to feel any different between us, yeah?” Sirius said and looked over at Remus.
Remus was still standing against the door, looking awkward as ever, picking on a hangnail.
“I mean, you don’t need to look after me or anything,” he continued, voice a little unsteady. Sirius felt just as awkward as Remus looked. “I’ve been like this for years now, it’s really nothing to worry about.”
“Okay,” Remus said, his voice was rid of any emotion. He cleared his throat before speaking again. “I get it, Pads. I get like that too sometimes, when everything’s just… too much.”
Sirius’ heart dropped. All he could think was that Remus didn’t deserve anything more to have to deal with.
Lycanthropy was enough on its own, and recently paired with his Mother getting sick?
Could the world be more cruel?
“Oh,” Sirius let out. “Oh, I’m so sorry Remus, I didn’t know.”
Remus chuckled. “How could you? I’ve never told anyone.” He gave Sirius a tight-lipped smile.
Sirius stood up, ignoring all the nervousness lingering, and walked over to Remus with open arms, allowing him to step forward and accept the hug if he so wanted. Which he did.
Sirius breathed him in, allowing the scent of musk and earth to fill his lungs and warm his heart.
Remus hugs were arguably better than James, though Sirius would never admit that to either of them.
“Well, guess that further proves us to be more fucked up than the others,” Sirius spoke against Remus shoulder with a sombre tone.
Remus’ chest rumbled with him snorting a laugh.
“Guess so,” he spoke into Sirius’ hair on an exhale, which left his scalp tingling.
They stayed hugging for a bit, only letting go when a knock on the door could be heard.
“Yes?” Sirius answered. His cheeks flush with embarrassment at them having been hugging in the middle of his room for so long. It was probably Effie coming up to let him know it was time for lunch.
“It’s James. Can I come in?” Sirius sighed before walking over to the door and opening it for him.
“What?” Sirius asked, his voice coming out a little harsher than intended.
“Woah there Mr. Selfish, I just couldn’t have you two forget about me,” James said, bumping Sirius’ shoulder with his fist before walking to the bed and sitting down with a flourish. “To think it’s been six years already, wild to think about innit?”
Sirius looked over at Remus with a smirk. James always got sentimental over the summers.
“Yeah yeah, and you’re the one calling me Mr. Selfish. What about you Mr. Old man at sixteen, huh?”
“Quiet down children, no need to start a fight,” Remus said, followed by a huffed laugh. Sirius snorted and took his place next to James on the bed.
He prodded at him once, then twice, then thrice…
“Yes, Pads? What do you want?” James asked, sitting up and fixing him with an annoyed glare over the brim of his glasses.
“I think we should go out tonight,” he said, pouting playfully and fluttering his eyelashes. “Pretty please?”
James tried his very best not to crack a smile, but eventually lost to Sirius’ flattery.
“Yeah yeah, fine. But I’m not paying for you, hear that?” James said, still fighting laughter.
“Sounds good!” Sirius exclaimed and looked over at Remus. “What do you say, Moony? I’ll pay you a packet o’ fags.”
Remus smiled broadly, making Sirius' stomach flutter and his ears warm up.
“Yeah, why not?” he said, shrugging. “I’m holding you to that offer though.”
“‘Course you are.” Sirius mockingly rolled his eyes and grinned at Remus.
“Oh, piss off.” Remus shoved him hard in the chest, making him fall back and onto James.
“The audacity!” James put a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. “How dare you try to suffocate me? I thought we were on good terms finally.”
“Yes, so you thought,” Sirius answered, making a face at his friend.
“You little shit!” James pushed Sirius off of him and started tickling his sides, making Sirius squeal out in pure terror.
“You two really are a pair of tots. I’m gonna need a mind healer to keep up with everything you put me through,” Remus said, shaking his head disapprovingly but still sporting a small smile.
“You’re just jealous ‘cause you don’t have a play partner,” James said, only realising how suggestive it sounded in post.
Both Remus’ and Sirius’ eyebrows immediately shot up,they shared a quick moment of eye contact before all three boys burst out in boisterous fits of laughter.
“Okay, it really wasn’t that funny,” James said after a bit, which only made the other two laugh even harder.
***
The evening air was crisp and smelled of sunwarm pavement and dandelions and grass.
It also smelled of tobacco and liqueur, as did the three boys.
The sun had just begun to set, turning the sky beautiful hues of orange and pink. It was a perfect night to be out and about.
“As I was saying,” Remus said, dragging out the end of the word. “I think it would be best not to show it to anyone else.”
He was talking about their most recent creation, The Marauders Map.
“But—”
“No buts. They would only spread the word, trust me. And whoop everyone knows. Not good for business.” Remus wasn’t usually this talkative, but when tipsy the words just kept pouring. “Well not business. We’ve got no business ‘ave we? Maybe we should set one up.”
It seemed he was mostly talking to himself now.
“Moony, mate, how much did you have to drink? You’re awfully chatty today,” James butted in between Remus’s yapping, giggling as he spoke.
“Oh, you know, not too much,” he answered, which could only mean one thing:
He was in for a mean hangover the next day.
Sirius barked a laugh, unable to hold it in any longer. He loved drunk Remus. Actually, he loved all versions of Remus, but found this one particularly funny, especially when drunk himself. Everything was funnier when drunk in Sirius' opinion.
“Alright, let’s get you two home,” James sighed, but started laughing himself almost immediately after, which caused Remus to also join in.
It all ended with them sitting – half lying down – on the sidewalk, still giggling, not far from Potter Manor. James had filled the empty firewhiskey bottle they’d been carrying around with them with water and was passing it around, trying to get them all to sober up enough to sneak inside quietly.
This turned out to be a much harder task than one might think, for they had now been sitting on the curb for the better half of an hour, still moderately pissed.
“I have to pee,” Sirius announced, giggling to himself.
“Me too,” Remus said, holding an arm up, chuckling at his own action.
“Then go pee? I’m staying here,” James scoffed, seemingly a bit more sober than the others.
“Aye aye, Captain!” Sirius barked, standing up and swaying slightly on the spot. Remus laughed at this, which made Sirius feel oddly proud of himself.
He offered Remus a hand to get up, and then they walked over to a grassy spot, away from any surrounding houses.
Once finished, Sirius pulled out a packet of fags and his zippo. He passed one to Remus and placed one between his own lips, inhaling as he lit it. The smoke warmed his lungs, as did the touch of Remus fingers against his mouth as he plucked the cigarette out of it, and moved it to his own lips instead.
Remus kept his eyes firmly stuck on Sirius as he took a long drag, savouring it before breathing it out. They were close enough for the smoke to sting Sirius’ eyes, but he refused to back away.
Them being this close had always felt like a drug. Potent enough to make Sirius want to believe that maybe he wasn’t imagining the way Remus’ leaned in closer, like he too couldn’t help himself.
Sirius' gaze wandered over Remus’ face. He took in his every freckle, the scar trailing across his nose, the amber colour of his eyes, the way his one eyebrow parted for the scar running through it.
But in the end his eye landed on the plumpness of his lips and the way his tongue quickly darted out to wet them.
Sirius knew it was a bad idea, even before leaning in and closing the distance between them.
He knew it would be awkward as hell the day after. But in the moment he couldn’t bring himself to care in the slightest. It all felt so right that he didn’t want to believe even for a second that it would be able to cause anything cruel of nature.
And even though the moment was short-lived, Sirius knew.
This was it.
He could already feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes. He forced himself to try and explain things.
“Remus, I didn’t mean to, I- I just thought… No, you know what, I’m way too pissed for this.” He turned around and started walking at a brisk pace, wiping away at the tears that spilled across his cheeks.
The piercing silence was broken when Remus finally spoke.
“Sirius, wait!” The next thing Sirius heard were Remus’ janky footsteps as he ran up behind him.
Sirius turned around and looked him in the eye, his tears still falling silently.
“Please, don’t say it,” Sirius whispered, voice thick. ”I can’t… not right now.”
He turned back around and kept walking, hoping Remus would drop it, and praying he was too drunk to remember this the upcoming day.
Sirius’ reached his hand up and wiped his cheeks swiftly, blinking excessively to stop more tears from spilling over.
He kept walking and walking. It felt like eternity walking back to James, who was laying on the sidewalk gazing up. Sirius smiled to himself, feeling the sadness and worry slowly ebb away.
“Prongs?” he spoke softly, not wishing to startle and disturb James’ moment.
His head snapped around, leaving his glasses askew and his hair covering half his face.
“I thought you died for a second there,” he answered, swiping the hair in his face away and righting his glasses. “I was ready to go looking for you.”
“Oh, yeah, no. We were just having a chat, ‘n forgot the time,” Sirius said. He wasn’t necessarily lying, he and Remus had talked, it was just the fact that he chose to leave out the part that had ended in him storming off with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat.
“Yeah?” James was back to staring up at the sky, clearly not interested in what Sirius and Remus had been up to anyway. He was probably still pissed. “Where’s Moony?”
“Erm, I think he might’ve gone home ‘lready.” Sirius stayed standing awkwardly next to James on the sidewalk, looking around to see if maybe Remus was walking up to them.
After a few minutes of nothing but the blood rushing through his ears and the wind blowing, he gave up and nudged James’ head with his foot. James’ looked up at him questioningly.
“Let’s go home, I’m freezing my bollocks off ‘ere,” Sirius said, nudging James’ shoulder this time to get him to sit up properly.
“Yeah, ‘lright,” he said through a sigh, sitting up reluctantly, taking hold of Sirius’ offered hand and pulling himself up with his help.
Sirius lagged behind a bit as they walked home, very much trying to avoid having to talk to James about Remus and him.
But luckily it seemed James had either taken notice that he didn’t feel like talking or was in one of his more mellow moods, the only mood of his in which silence is seen as a viable choice.
The pavement was slowly being lit a beautiful warm grey by the sunrise, showering Sirius’ in James’ shadow as he walked behind him, but he didn’t mind. It felt refreshing to watch the sunrise, having a definite point of knowing when a new day had just begun.
Sirius took in all the hues of it, all the pink and orange and eventually blue, but by then they had already reached home.
When they opened the door – as slowly and carefully as possible, wishing not to wake James’ parents – Sirius spotted Remus’ shoes standing limply by the shoe rack. And even though it made his palms sweaty, he felt the air in his lungs finally being pushed in and out fully.
James’ nudged him, signalling to keep walking.
The inside of Sirius’ room was cool and comforting, showering him with relief. He walked over to the bed and pulled off his shirt and then his trousers, leaving him in just his pants. Then crawled under the covers and bundled it up under his chin, closing his eyes and letting sleep take the reins.