Part Two
James woke Sirius later that morning, handing him some orange juice and a sandwich.
“There’s pepper up in the juice, thought you might appreciate it,” James said, sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed. “How you feelin’?”
Sirius' heart dropped. Had James spoken to Remus before him?
“Erm, yeah, why?” Sirius hoped he sounded casual, praying James wouldn’t be able to read him as well as he usually could. He busied himself by taking a bite of the sandwich and then steadily sipping the orange juice.
“You know, the Remus thing,” James said, his voice kept lower than usual. “What you told me yesterday morning.” He gave Sirius a pointed look.
It took Sirius a moment to calm down and realise what James was talking about. He was still kept slightly on edge but once the initial fear of James having talked to Remus and found out about what had happened prior to his and Sirius’ walk home.
“Oh, that,” Sirius said, plastering on a smile he knew James could see right through. “Yeah, I don’t think I should tell him.”
James furrowed his brows, which made Sirius feel even more guilty.
“Why not? I stand by what I said yesterday.”
“I don’t. He just doesn’t seem the type,” Sirius said. He looked over at James finally, hoping he would catch on and realise Sirius really did not want to talk about it any more than strictly necessary.
“Sirius, there is no such thing as a type when it comes to being queer and I hope soon enough you’ll realise that,” James said, pinning Sirius down with a look he had never seen from James before.
“You know that’s not…”
“Not what, Sirius. Please, tell me,” James said, sounding even angrier than before. “I’m sick of you putting people in boxes, when that’s the exact thing your parents did to you.”
That hit Sirius like a punch to the face. It knocked him back even, making him blanch completely.
James looked taken aback by his own words; with wide-eyes and his mouth hanging open he stood up from the bed.
“Sirius–” James started but got interrupted.
“No, you’re right,” Sirius said, with the most emotionless smile James’ had seen in a long while. “You’re right.”
“Please, you know that’s not what I meant,” James tried, but it was futile, and he knew so.
“We both know exactly what you meant by that, James,” Sirius said, standing up and grabbing a set of clothes before walking over to the door, not looking back even when James called out his name.
As soon as the door closed behind him, his tears silently welled over.
He quickly wiped his face dry and pulled on the clothes before going down the stairs and calling out to Mr. and Mrs. Potter that he was going for a walk.
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just stepped into his shoes, opened the front door, and kept walking.
He didn’t stop for anything. Not even when his breath started going ragged with his heaving sobs.
It all reminded him of the night he had tried his very best to forget. But the memories kept resurfacing, and he could not breathe.
He eventually hunched over, letting every tear pour out of him, every sob ring through his own ears, every and any negative thought he had ever had about himself come to light.
Faintly he registered the buzzing in his pocket as his compact mirror.
“Sirius? Sirius, can you hear me?” the mirror called out. “Are you alright? Please come back. Please, Sirius.”
His heart pounded uncomfortably in his chest, his hands aching to grab the mirror and smash it against a tree.
But all else except for the voice that came out of the mirror next faded away in an instant as he recognised who was now speaking.
“Padfoot? You hear me?” Remus spoke softly, and that made Sirius want to cry even harder.
Why was he being so gentle and kind? Sirius had kissed him just last night for Merlin’s sake.
“We need to talk, about yesterday.” Sirius' heart dropped. “Please come back,” Remus whispered.
Sirius was biting his hand to keep from screaming aloud. It was all too much.
Everything reminded him of Grimmauld place.
Even the way the empty road around him looked as gloomy as ever, made him think back to the view outside his old bedroom window.
Around him everything was spinning, making him feel nauseous and wobbly.
He retched, but nothing came out. Wiping the snot and tears from his face, all he felt was numbness.
The same numbness that always came after the storm that was his emotions. And he welcomed it gladly, not wanting to feel the terror of every- and anything anymore.
He started walking back home, his steps heavy and grounding.
Of course, the sky opened up not short after, raining down on him. Not that Sirius minded much, he actually found it rather comforting after all.
The rain reminded him of younger years, laughing with Regulus outside, drenched from head to toe. Their hair dripping and with droplets running down the bridge of their noses.
“Sirius?!” James called from up ahead, startling Sirius out of his thoughts. “Fuck! Get over here!”
Sirius looked up and was met with the two anxious faces of his two best friends.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius spoke, it was barely a whisper, but it seemed it did not matter for James strode over and hugged him, hard and comforting.
No one spoke for a while after that. They walked back in silence, and stepped inside to sit in front of the fire to dry.
James had left to go get some hot cocoa when Remus was the one who finally spoke up.
“About yesterday,” he started, which made Sirius's heartbeat speed up again.
Remus looked over at Sirius, who met his eye instinctively.
“I…” he continued, but seemed to come to a blank. “I don’t know why I reacted like I did.”
Sirius took a deep breath. He had no clue how to respond, he didn’t even know what Remus meant by any of this. So he just nodded and looked down at his hands, fiddling with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
“You shocked me, and we were drunk,” he said, voice low and anxious. “I never meant to make you feel… I never meant to make things awkward.”
Sirius scoffed, to his own surprise.
“You never meant to make things awkward?” Sirius said, looking over at Remus again. “You’re not the one who kissed me, Remus.”
Sirius could feel the lump in his throat grow into something uncomfortably thick.
“No that’s not what I said,” Remus said, shaking his head and breathing out shakily. “Sirius, I never meant to not kiss you back.”
Oh.
Sirius wanted to slap Remus for not starting with that. He wanted to kiss him, lower him to the floor and strangle him on the carpet.
“I got scared, and I didn’t know how to react or what to do with myself. And then… then you just stormed off, and I couldn’t…”
Remus took a deep breath before continuing.
“I couldn’t follow you, because I didn’t know if you meant to kiss me. I couldn’t figure out why you would. I still can’t.”
Sirius wanted to laugh, but he had tears in his eyes that threatened to spill with every word Remus spoke.
A few moments passed before James got back, levitating three mugs in front of him.
“Sorry, couldn’t find the cocoa. Had to ask mum for help,” he said, sheepishly scratching his head.
Sirius just nodded, not making eye contact with anyone.
James handed them a mug each before sitting down between them. They sat in awkward silence until Euphemia called for lunch, making James jump up to his feet and drag them along to the table.
Lunch was a quick ordeal, with none of them wanting to have to talk about the happenings that morning. And to the boy’s surprise Mrs. Potter did not push any of them into talking.
Mr. Potter did not join them, for he was busy working in his office. As usual nowadays it seemed.
After they had all finished their meal, the boys got up and went into their respective rooms.
Sirius just laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling.
He was stuck thinking out what Remus had told him. He kept mulling it over in his brain. Did he actually mean what Sirius thought – wished – he did?
The door opened, startling Sirius into sitting up.
“May I come in?” It was Euphemia talking, which made Sirius tense up even more.
“Yeah, yes,” he said quickly, sitting up more properly with his back to the wall.
He kept avoiding eye contact, making sure to not look anywhere closer to Effie’s eyes than her right shoulder.
“How are you, dear? Everything alright?” she asked, her tone just as soft as usual, but with an extra tender quality to it, reserved for moments like these.
“Mhm,” he mumbled, but he knew she could see right through him.
“Want to talk about it?” she asked, sitting down on the bed next to his feet. “I’m a great listener if I do say so myself,” she added, patting his leg comfortingly with a warm smile.
Sirius felt like crying again.
He wondered if he even had any tears left in him.
“I did something I really, really regret,” he started, his voice thick. “And I don’t think it’s something I can take back or make better.”
Euphemia just nodded, inclining him to keep talking. She kept rubbing his calf comfortingly, making sure he knew she was there for him.
Sirius knew that whatever he said or did, Mrs. Potter would stand behind him and help him through.
So even though he was terrified, he decided to tell her.
“I kissed Remus.” The tears in his eyes spilled, but he didn’t feel anything. “And I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, love, come here,” Effie soothed, hugging him once he crawled closer.
Sirius felt everything that he had stored behind thick concrete walls, spill through the cracks like sunlight through your curtain on a sunny summer morning.
It felt equally relieving as it did terrifying.
He kept crying in her arms, letting himself be cradled and loved. Breathing in her lavender shampoo and signature perfume.
Of course the Potters wouldn’t mind him being queer. He’d known that from the start, but his anxiety wanted to convince him otherwise. It had tangled itself up in his thoughts, making him believe that maybe they wouldn’t after all.
They didn’t speak more after that, Euphemia stayed sitting beside Sirius, rubbing his back comfortingly.
It felt good to have an adult in his life that he knew cared for him. Someone to cradle him like their own and whisper sweet nothings in his ear until he falls asleep.
A mother.
***
The next week felt awfully off.
Peter had come home from his trip and was busy showing the rest of the Marauders his little trinkets and souvenirs. Which consisted mostly of local sweets – as to be expected – that he cordially shared with them.
And though Sirius tried to seem interested and engaged when the four boys were together, his mind kept trailing off.
He avoided anything ‘Remus’, and barely spoke up during conversations, which he knew was incredibly unusual for him.
And he knew the others noticed, for they kept acting like he was made of fragile porcelain – broken on the ground – treading carefully around his broken shards.
When Remus looked his way, his skin prickled and he felt green around the gills, his stomach uncomfortably swooping.
He kept wishing everything would soon ebb away, and that he and Remus could go back to being just Sirius and Remus.
Even if it hurt him deep down. He kept circling back to the greatest wish of them all:
That Remus might like him back.
So even if that wasn’t the case and Sirius was just gonna have to wait for his feelings to pass and leave it all in the past, he felt that might be a price worth paying in the end.
If only it meant they could go back to normal.
Go back to when it was just Sirius and Remus sharing a bed under the cover of the night. When it was them going to Hogsmeade together when the two other boys were on dates with girls. When they shared a fag in the dorm when James was at quidditch practice.
He missed it, even if he didn’t yet know whether he’d lost it.
Time succumbed, everything felt awfully stretched, but days turned into weeks and weeks into a whole month.
Summer was coming to an end, and Sirius couldn’t remember a time he’d been more elated to not have to be at the Potters.
He had to admit he felt a lump in his stomach at that. He loved staying at the Potters, having a room there to call his own, and living with James. It was a dream.
But after his confession the air felt heavy and whenever Remus came over, he couldn’t breathe quite right.
It took Sirius all of July to be able to properly look Remus in the eye again.
He had dwelled everything over, not leaving a single detail out, and eventually he had come to the solution:
Acting as if nothing ever happened.
So he set to doing just that. No matter how awkward it felt to be standing out on the sidewalk across from Potter Manor sharing a fag with Remus again, like they had at fifteen.
He couldn’t quite bring himself to be his usual talkative and arrogant self, even now that it all felt close to being forgotten.
“Erm, Sirius?” Remus spoke from beside him.
It startled Sirius enough that he dropped his cigarette right on his canvas sneakers, leaving a little dark mark on the dirty white laces.
“Shit,” he exclaimed. “Yeah? What’s up Moons?” He bent down to brush off his shoes, elated to see that the cigarette hadn’t actually burnt his laces, but only spilled its ash.
“Can we talk?” Remus said it in such a tone that Sirius already knew what was coming.
“Mhm.” He couldn’t bring himself to actually talk over the thick lump in his throat. Remus didn’t seem to mind.
After so long of trying to forget and make amends on what he had done, Remus wanting to bring it up felt like a gutpunch. But Sirius needed to hear this, and he knew as much. He knew that even if it hurt and ached and left him burning from head to toe, he needed to hear what Remus had to say.
They were still best friends, were they not?
And what are best friends for, if not to listen?
“You know what I’m going to talk about already, don’tcha?” he spoke around a cloud of smoke, reaching his hand out to pass the fag over.
Sirius took it, even if it was only to keep his hands busy. He nodded his head in answer.
“Yeah, I think I do,” he whispered, taking a long drag and breathing it out up into the cool nightair, watching the smoke billow up and away, fading gradually.
“That night…” Remus took a long, unsteady breath, and looked over at Sirius. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius furrowed his brows and turned his head.
Sirius tried his very best to remember that night, by the ditch with the trees and the half crescent moon shining idly upon them.
But nothing came to light, he really could not see why Remus was apologising for anything originating that night.
“What for? Remus, what are you on about, I’ve told you this before have I not? I’m the one who should be apologising. I’m the one who kissed you, not the other way round. I know what you’re gonna say, and please don’t make this any harder than it has to be. I don’t think I can do this again.
“I can’t stand to not be close to you anymore. I need you to stay my friend, okay? I know your mam’s a muggle, and I know what muggles think of queer people. But I promise, I will never, never ever cross your boundaries. And it’s okay if you don’t accept this part of me. I just can’t stand to lose you. Not again.”
Sirius had hot tears trailing down his cheeks. His hands were shaking – from the cold or his anxiety, he did not know – and the fag in his hand had burnt out and was dangerously close to burning his fingers.
He kept standing there, trying his very hardest to breathe steadily and keep himself grounded, even as the streetlights around them started to flicker.
He had always had a strong magical reaction along with his emotions, inherited from his mum, no doubt.
He could still remember the way the chandelier in their dining room kept crashing on the table as he unabashedly told them about his mischief. The way the lights in the hallway flickered as he got dragged to his father’s office.
The ground felt bruising under him as he fell to his knees, hiding from the world behind his hands.
Distantly he felt a hand on his back.
Euphemia, please don’t make me go back there. I can’t go back, I can’t, can’t, can’t––
“Sirius! Look at me!” Remus was cupping his face with a hand on either side, staring intently into his eyes. “Breathe, Sirius, breathe. In and out… There you go, good job, just a little longer.
“In and out, in and out…”
Sirius was still crying when he came to. And Remus was still breathing with him, rubbing circles into his back. They sat forehead to forehead and Sirius could feel Remus’ stare, even though he didn’t have his eyes open yet.
“There you are. You hearing me?” Remus whispered.
Sirius nodded.
“Alright, let’s get you inside, yeah?”
Remus stood up, wrapped an arm around Sirius and hoisted him up, walking him over to the house.
He followed him all the way to Sirius’ bed, and sat down next to him on the neatly placed duvet. He still had a hand on Sirius’ back, no doubt to help keep him grounded.
“Are you ready to talk? Or would you rather we do–”
Sirius interrupted him, “No.”
“No? No, what? No talking now, or no talking tomorrow or…?” It warmed Sirius to know that even after Remus had to almost carry a crying Sirius to bed, he still kept talking to him as he normally would, well, after the initial breakdown at least.
“I can talk,” Sirius said, wiping his face clean of snot and tears with the back of his hand, not caring if he looked childish or if it was disgusting. “We can talk.”
“Right.” Remus was looking at a patch of paint on the wall that had started to peel. “Yeah, so… what I’ve been wanting to say is that–”
Once again, Sirius interrupted him, “That you’re sorry, yeah I get it, Remus. Just tell me why.”
Remus turned to look at Sirius. His gaze wandered from his fidgeting hands, to his chest, noting that Sirius was still breathing fast. Finally it landed on his face, not sparing an inch unobserved.
Sirius’ cheeks were burning.
“I wasn’t going to,” Remus said, smiling to himself.
“Then what is it?” Sirius was getting nervous on top of his initial anxiety.
His emotions really were starting to stack up on him. He felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
“I’m gay.”
Sirius’ heart dropped.
All the blood in his body was rushing past his ears, leaving him deaf to anything but the pounding in his head.
He kept staring at his hands, which were sweating profusely, he quickly wiped them on his trousers. Sirius knew Remus was looking at him, searching for a reaction.
Sirius felt too much.
He felt confused and crazed, elated and angry, but most of all he felt rejected and it was all too much. It was always too much, always had been.
“Oh,” was all Sirius could say, his mind not quite keeping up to the outside world.
“Sirius?” Remus sounded far away but Sirius recognised his tone to be one of worry and maybe he did sound a tad nervous too.
Sirius finally looked up at him, taking in his expression. His voice sounded just like his face looked. Confused, worried and nervous. He looked scared even.
He was scared and Sirius was at fault.
“Yes,” he whispered in response.
Sirius couldn’t quite believe it, but it did make sense.
Oh, how it made sense.
Slowly, Sirius felt all the puzzle pieces in his head form something of cohesion.
All the times Remus had turned down those girls from the library. That one time he had acted sick to get out of making out with anyone during spin the bottle in fifth.
Neither of them said anything for a long while after that. Enough time passed to think that maybe they had both fallen asleep, sitting up and miraculously balancing.
And suddenly it hit Sirius.
Suddenly he realised why Remus hadn’t wanted to kiss that night. And that hurt even more than the piercing guilt Sirius had felt at first.
Remus did like boys, he just didn’t like a boy, the boy who liked him enough to see it turn into love before his eyes.
That hurt more than anything.
That hurt more than being disowned at sixteen. More than being crucioed by his own mother and father at fifteen for the first time. More than seeing the look on Regulus’ face as he left for good, with no intentions of coming back ever again.
He wanted to cry, he wanted to run, he wanted to turn into Padfoot and not feel anything for the rest of his life.
The burning shame filled his every pore, surely making him glow red even in the dark of his room.
“Sirius?” Remus whispered, he sounded confused.
But Sirius couldn’t answer, he just sat there, staring, unblinking at the wall in front of him.
A moment passed before Remus spoke again.
“Sirius, are you gonna say anything?” he asked.
Sirius could hear that he was breathing unsteadily. His voice had a slight tremble to it.
He wondered if Remus was still scared of him. If he was looking at him with fear in his eyes.
Maybe he thought Sirius was going to lash out at him, all because he hadn’t told him sooner.
Sirius wouldn’t put it past himself to do so, but his current mood was not one of anger and disappointment;
it was one of sadness and jilt.
He couldn’t stand to be so trapped in his own mind, he had to be able to just be.
So he did, he became Padfoot and curled in on himself, settling on his pillow, before letting out a sigh that turned into a low whine.
“Really, Pads? Now?” Remus looked incredulously at him for a second before crawling over and settling down next to him.
Sirius knew it was ingenious to leave his feelings to Padfoot, but he couldn’t bear it any longer. Plus, Remus didn’t seem to mind that much.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Remus whispered. “And, it’s not like that.”
Even as Padfoot, Sirius felt obligated to give a sort of indicator that he was listening, so he huffed a breath.
“Yeah, yeah,” Remus chuckled. “Promise not to freak out once I say it?”
Sirius nodded.
“Merlin’s tits, you look so stupid.” Remus laughed a little and pushed Padfoot gently.
Padfoot growled and bared his teeth in response, but his tail was wagging and Remus took notice.
“Don’t even try, I can see your tail you stupid mutt,” Remus was smiling broadly, and it made Padfoot happy.
Maybe turning into Padfoot wasn’t such a bad idea after all. He smiled internally, Padfoot kept steadily wagging his tail.
“Okay, just give me a moment, I’ve been sitting on this for years.” Remus was breathing shakily. Padfoot snuggled closer, trying to comfort him, even if he was feeling just as in need of comforting as Remus looked.
“I’ve liked you since we were thirteen, Sirius. And it’s not that I don’t… accept that part of me, I do, I just… I could never bring myself to say it to you’s,” Remus said with a nervous laugh. “It just felt like too much a thing to admit. And when you kissed me… I froze, I wanted to, you know, kiss you,” he whispered. “But I didn’t have the time to react and do so. And I’ve been putting off, ‘cause I thought… I thought you didn’t mean to, I kept wanting to believe it had just been something that happened in the heat of the moment. And I know that’s a stupid thing to think, I just got scared when you stopped talking to us s’all.
“Y’know, I’ve looked at you and felt nothing and I’ve looked at you and felt everything, Sirius. All I’m asking now is for you to forgive me for not just blurting it out immediately like some lovesick fool… Please tell me you understand.”
Sirius wanted to laugh, he wanted to scream and bite and bark and howl.
Of course he understood. He wasn’t all that daft as people seemed to believe.
He knew personally how nerve wracking it could be to confess something – anything, really – as big as this. How scary it could be to reach out and keep holding on until someone noticed. How terrified he’d been after kissing his best friend of years.
But look where it had taken him in the end.
He quickly turned back from his animagus form and found himself sitting thigh-to-thigh with Remus. It made his cheeks heat up.
“I get it. And I forgive you, Moony. Just please tell me you forgive me too, because Merlin the look on your face that night… It fucking haunts me.”
“No can do,” Remus responded. “I’m not gonna forgive you for shocking me so much that I was too stunned to speak for an entire month, Sirius. I won’t let you forget it.” He was smiling broadly, very obviously taking the piss out of their previous misunderstandings.
“I hate you,” Sirius said, pushing him way harder than Remus had Padfoot.
“Oh do you now? I believe I have it on good account that you, Sirius Black, like me.” Remus was leaning over him slightly, making Sirius’ heartbeat ramp up.
“Must’ve mixed up the words. I don’t remember saying anything other than ‘I hate you, Remus Lupin, for being so disgustingly attractive’,” Sirius spoke, voice low.
“Wooow… yeah I must’ve misheard, clearly.” Remus' eye was no longer on Sirius’. His lips tingled with the attention they craved but barely lacked.
“Mind having a redo of that first kiss?” Sirius whispered, inching closer yet.
“I would barely count that as a kiss, your bar seems to have dropped Mr. Promiscuous.” Remus' voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“Awh, someone jealous?” Sirius teased, leaning back a bit.
“Shut your mouth.” Remus chased after his mouth even as Sirius leaned back even more.
Things ended with Sirius laying on his back on the floor, laughing between kisses and jokingly fighting to try and get out of Remus’ grasp, which surprisingly was a much more difficult task than he had first thought. Maybe being a werewolf comes with a few perks afterall.