Crush
July 1982
James Potter had a problem. A gigantic, monster-sized problem. If this had been any other problem, James would have found Sirius and complained until he ran out of words. And Sirius would have listened, right up until James’ words turned into tears. Then they’d curl up together and talk about childhood memories. That’s how it had always been, and that’s how it would always be. Except that his gigantic, monster-sized problem was currently mean, gray-eyed, and spiteful. He absolutely could not tell Sirius that he most likely had developed a very big crush on Sirius’ younger brother. Sirius would kill him, understandably. But how could he not? Regulus was just so... he was so... was just... he was just so... Regulus! Mean. Arrogant. Cool. Caring when it came to cats. If only James were a cat. An injured cat. Then, maybe, he’d get a lot of love from Regulus. But James wasn’t a cat. He was a hopeless twenty-two-year-old guy, daydreaming about a forbidden fruit. It didn’t help that Regulus was annoyingly attractive in that dark, enigmatic way that made James either want to kiss him senseless or shake him until he stopped being so damn aloof. James had a problem, and he couldn’t tell Sirius about it. That had never happened before. He felt lost. Like lightning without thunder. He couldn’t bother Sirius with this. Maybe, if it became critical, he would. So instead of finding Sirius, James did the next best thing. He sought out Moony.
Remus was at work in his usual job as a bartender at The Silver Serpent, a small pub tucked away in a secluded alley in London. It was one of those places where people came to hide from the world, to get a break from the chaos that was life outside. Remus had been working there for a few years now, and the place had a calm, almost enchanting atmosphere that perfectly suited his stoic nature. On his way there, James bought a chocolate bar for Remus. A Mars bar, Remus’ favorite. Maybe the chocolate would help soften him up when James laid all his cards on the table. By the time he finally reached the pub where Remus worked, the chocolate bar was half-melted. James cursed under his breath—of course it had melted. The sun was high, and the heat in London’s streets was stifling, even in the shadowy alleys. But he hoped Remus would still appreciate the gesture. Remus wasn’t the type to refuse chocolate, no matter its state.
There were surprisingly many people for midday. James pushed his way toward the bar through the crowd. And there was Remus. James hurried over to him, wanting to get the hard part over with—the part where he told Remus about his gigantic, monster-sized crush on Regulus Black. Remus, as always, was dressed in his worn white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a dark vest that highlighted his lean frame. His face was focused, but there was a kind glow in his eyes that always seemed to draw people to him, even though he didn’t say much. Maybe it had actually been a good idea to tell Remus first. Even if it hadn’t been about Sirius’ younger brother. Because Remus was gay, and he knew it. Sirius was too busy ignoring his own feelings, but Remus. Oh, he knew, and had for years. For God’s sake, he’d known since he was 14, so he had a lot more experience when it came to boys.
“Remus,” James said quickly. “I need your help!”
Remus looked up from the book he had sneaked behind the bar. His face showed curiosity as he saw James standing there, fidgeting on the other side of the bar.
“James, what’s this about?” Ah, he sensed there was more at stake than usual. This wasn’t just one of James’ typical mishaps, like setting his mother’s kitchen on fire. Again.
“I brought chocolate,” James waved the Mars bar. “Your favorite. It might be a bit melted because of the heat, but still good!” Remus grunted but eagerly accepted the chocolate bar James handed him.
“You brought a bribe—this can’t be good.”
James stared at the floor. Of course, this wasn’t good—James had a crush on Sirius’ little brother, for crying out loud. Sirius had barely been in contact with him since they left school three years ago. Sirius hated him!
“Moony, I… you know… Argh!” James was clearly off balance. He looked up at Remus, lost. Like lightning without thunder. Remus understood the situation, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating. Remus suffered from severe migraines that hit him once a month. He had just gone through an especially tough bout, which had left him irritable for days.
“You’ve got exactly one minute to tell me what the fuck your problem is,” Remus said, opening the chocolate bar. “Otherwise, I’ll personally crack your skull open to exorcise this absolute madness out of it.” James didn’t know what “exorcise” meant, but he knew Remus wasn’t joking. He was way too damn clever. Cunning. Observant.
“You know Regulus Black… Sirius and I watched his new film, and… and he’s grown up.”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Yes, people tend to do that. Where are you going with this?”
“And he was, like, really handsome, like, beautiful—”
“James, just stop right there, I think I know where this is heading.”
James shook his head violently. “Moony, let me just finish this.”
He sighed and blurted out everything in one breath. “andthenImethimhererightnowandI’minlove!”
He had squeezed his eyes shut, afraid of Remus’s reaction. But there was no sound from the bartender, so James slowly opened his eyes, one at a time.
“Don’t tell Padfoot.”
Remus stood there, chewing on the chocolate while studying James with a look that was both sharp and understanding. He didn’t say anything for a moment, just letting the silence hang heavy between them. James started to get nervous. Had he just made a complete fool of himself? Remus was always the one who listened and understood, but this was different. This was Sirius’s brother, and it felt like balancing on the edge of a knife.
“James,” Remus finally said in a low voice, “you do realize how bloody insane this is, right?”
James nodded vigorously. “I know, I know! But he’s just so… enchanting, Moony. I’ve tried not to. Believe me, I’ve really tried. But it just keeps getting worse. I see him everywhere, and I can’t get him out of my head.”
Remus took a deep breath and let the chocolate bar rest on the bar. “Okay,” he said slowly. “We need to take this step by step. First of all, you can’t tell Sirius about this. Not yet, at least.”
James exhaled in relief. “That was my plan too. I’m not completely crazy.”
“Good,” Remus said, glancing at the chocolate. “Secondly, you really need to consider if this is something you can let go of. I mean, we both know how Sirius reacts to anything involving his family, and… this isn’t a small thing.”
“I know,” James muttered, running a hand through his hair. “But what am I supposed to do, Remus? I can’t just ignore it.”
“No,” Remus replied thoughtfully. “But maybe you should give it time. See how it develops. Maybe it’s just a phase, a temporary obsession that you’ll get over.”
James doubted that, but he nodded anyway. “Yeah, maybe. But what if it isn’t? What if it’s serious?”
Remus sighed and shook his head. “Then it gets complicated. But we’ll take the time it needs. You just have to promise me one thing, James.”
“Anything.”
“Don’t do anything rash. No grand confessions or dramatic moves. Just… take it easy, okay?”
James nodded again, this time more slowly. “Okay. I promise.”
Remus shrugged and took another bite of the chocolate. “So, now that we’ve got that settled, what do we do next? Do you want me to give you some advice on how to get over it?”
James shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe I just need to talk about it. That helps, I think.”
Remus gave a faint smile. “Alright, then let’s talk about it. But remember, James, this isn’t the end of the world.”
James felt a wave of gratitude wash over him. Remus was the best friend anyone could ask for, especially when faced with a gigamonster-sized problem.
So, James began to talk. He told Remus how he had reacted when he saw Regulus in the cinema, about buying a T-shirt with Regulus on it. He spoke about how thoughts of Regulus kept coming back, refusing to leave him alone. How puddles of water turned into Regulus’s gray eyes, and dark marble became his dark curls. James told him everything. When he was done, he looked up at Remus. The chocolate bar was finished, and Remus was staring at him thoughtfully. It was slightly unsettling, as though Remus could see right through him into his deepest secrets. But James sat there, letting Remus evaluate him.
James felt exposed under Remus’s scrutinizing gaze. He knew Remus wasn’t the type to overstate his feelings or indulge in sentimental moments. Remus was like Regulus in that way—reserved, a little cold, but with an underlying warmth that only those closest to him got to feel. But right now, James needed that warmth. He had laid all his cards on the table and hoped that Remus would understand.
Remus kept looking at him, as if carefully weighing his next words. Then he leaned forward slightly, and James could sense that what was coming was important.
“James,” Remus began calmly, “I can see that this is something that really affects you. And I’m not going to be the one who says you should just forget it or pretend it’s not there. Because that clearly doesn’t work. But I want you to remember something.”
He paused briefly before continuing. “Love, attraction—it’s not something we can always control. It’s chaotic and complicated. But it’s also something we have to take responsibility for.”
James nodded, though he wasn’t entirely sure what Remus meant.
“You say you see Regulus everywhere,” Remus continued. “That every little thing reminds you of him. Puddles, dark marble, all that. It’s not just random. It means you’ve become consumed by this, that your brain is looking for ways to hold onto him.”
“So what should I do?” James asked, almost desperately. “How can I make it stop?”
Remus shrugged. “I don’t know for sure, but maybe it’s about taking the power back. Instead of letting your feelings control you, try to understand what’s really going on. Is it just physical attraction? Or is there something deeper, something that makes you keep thinking about him?”
James opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again. Remus was right. What was it he really felt? Was it truly love, or just an obsession, fueled by the fact that Regulus was so unattainable, so mysterious?
“And if it is something deeper,” Remus continued, “then you need to consider what that means. Not just for you, but for everyone around you. For Regulus. For Sirius. For all of us.”
James nodded, and for the first time in a long while, he felt a bit more in control. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. And right now, that was enough.