Avoidance.
REMUS
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Remus climbs the tower stairs slowly, his body furiously protesting every step. He pauses just outside his dorm and listens to the carefree laughter exchanged by his best mates. Remus is arriving at Hogwarts for the beginning of his fifth year a day later than the others. It happened to be a full last night, and his parents had insisted he spend it at home, rather than risk trying to make it from the train to the shack before sundown. The others had wanted to stay with him, of course, but it was always a hopeless case. Lyall barely approved of Remus having friends at all and would certainly withdraw his son if he knew those friends were aware of his furry little problem. So, Remus hadn’t seen the others all summer. For the most part, he’d spent it wandering aimlessly around the muggle village near his house, or else studying. The fulls were always worse in summer, with Moony chained in the freezing, heavily warded cellar beneath the Lupin household. Remus has fresh scars tracing jagged lines down his legs. They used to bother him so much, but now there are so many that he hardly registers new additions anymore. His shoulder has been in near-constant pain since the second moon of the summer, when Moony dislocated it in a fit of unfiltered rage. With Lyall away on a work trip, Remus still too young to do magic outside Hogwarts, and the impossibility of calling a Healer and having to explain the cause of injury, it had been up to Hope to patch Remus up the muggle way. Remus rolled his shoulders slowly and braced himself before swinging open the door to the dorm.
The echoing laughter came to an abrupt halt as three pairs of eyes snapped to attention. James let out a whooping cheer. Sirius released a delighted "Moony!", and Peter started up a round of applause. All three boys came barrelling towards Remus, who immediately pulled out his wand and held it in front of himself like a shield. "Absolutely not. I don't like hugs at the best of times, and especially not the day after a moon." He softened then, and said "But I missed you lot."
Sirius smirked. "Aww we missed you too, Moons."
"Yeah, s' never the same without you, mate." Peter agreed vehemently.
"We got you something from Hogsmeade Moony!" James offered. "Oi, Sirius! Don't just stand there you numpty, go get it."
Sirius obediently pulled out a slightly battered suitcase from beneath his bed, then proudly presented it to Remus. Upon opening it, Remus discovered a superfluous supply of chocolate frogs, fizzing whizzbees, pumpkin pasties and other assorted confectionary.
"We noticed your post-moon energy stockpile was running pretty low. And I know Hope doesn't like you having wizarding food at your place, so figured you'd be missing your favourites by now," Sirius grinned, blushing ever so slightly.
Remus beamed at him. "Thanks guys, yeah it's been a long chocolate drought all summer." He popped two chocolate frogs into his mouth before dramatically crashing down on his bed, and the others hastily followed to join him. They began sharing stories from the holiday break, and quickly fell into their easy, familiar rhythm. Well, almost. Maybe it was intuition, or some kind of supersonic were-wolf sense, but Remus could detect some sort of invisible change in their dynamic. There was something...different somehow about the way Sirius' eyes lingered on Remus for a few extra moments than usual. Every time they briefly touched each other it seemed heightened and hesitant, which was definitely new. And, strangest of all, Remus felt as though he could taste the unique electricity of Sirius' magic at the back of his throat.
Remus would have liked to keep talking to his friends all through the night, but he couldn't deny his lingering exhaustion from the full moon. Peter, ever observant and all-knowing, was the first to pick up on this, and unceremoniously evicted James, Sirius and himself from Remus' bed on his behalf. Each of the boys quickly fell to sleep, their unconscious sounds and snores blending in a symphonic lullaby.
They were pressed together on the small couch in the common room. Long, delicate fingers gently drifted past his knee, up along his thigh. The touch was too subtle, too precious for anyone to notice but them. Hands intertwined. Standing. Pulling. Climbing stairs. Mouths colliding against one another. Tripping, tumbling, falling. And falling.
Hands dancing gracefully through long Black curls.
Remus awoke with a start, audibly groaning at the predicament revealed in his dreaming. Fuck. He thought, miserably. Fuck. I fancy my best mate. Unfortunately, Remus' body had also betrayed him with this realisation, and he rushed to the bathroom before one of the other boys could point out his embarrassment. Remus let the cold shower water rain over him, but his mind refused to give up the dreamy image of Sirius Black. Why? Why does it have to be him of all people? Remus desperately questioned the powers that be. He received no answer. Someone out there has it out for me. He made a quick list in his head. Werewolf. Gay. Dyslexic. Crippled. Fancy my straight best friend. Fantastic.
***
After the Earth-shattering, sexually-charged, Sirius-centric dream, Remus developed what he believed to be a solid plan to resolve his problem. Ok, so he slightly fancied Sirius. No big deal, as long as Sirius, and everyone else as well actually, never ever found out about it. Remus could do that. After all, he couldn't embarrass himself in front of Sirius if he never had the opportunity to. Remus had crushed on people before, and never really lasted more than a couple of weeks, maximum. Remus figured if he could just subtly avoid Sirius for a short while, then the crush would fade away and no one would be any wiser. Except, that was easier said than done, especially when Remus and Sirius lived in the same room, attended meals together, shared all the same friends and classes. But Remus was convinced it was absolutely necessary, so he would make it work, no matter what it took.
Remus started waking up earlier than the others and going to the Great Hall before the breakfast rush. He occupied himself by studying with the girls or hiding out in some of the old passageways. He kept the map on him at all times, just in case Sirius tried to seek him out. So far, Remus has been successful in his attempts to avoid Sirius, but his crush has not diminished whatsoever. If anything, it seems to be growing everyday. Remus doesn't trust himself around his best friend, but he misses him so much it aches. But if Remus is miserable, Sirius is furious.
Two weeks into the term, Remus was hiding out in the library. He'd wanted to seek out Lily and ask her advice on McGonagall’s latest brutal transfiguration assignment, but she was nowhere to be found. Remus automatically reached for the map, only to realise he'd forgotten it in the dorm. Alright, well fine. He'd just have to go and get it. The risk of running into Sirius was low, seeing as he was meant to be in another detention with Professor Slughorn following his latest prank against the Slytherins, Snape in particular. Remus made it back to Gryffindor tower without being apprehended by any of his roommates, but as always, his luck was finite. As the portrait door swings open, Remus comes face to face with the one person he's trying so desperately to avoid. Worse still, that person is currently snogging the life out of Mary Macdonald. Brilliant. Remus seethes with bitter jealousy. Sirius and Mary aren't technically dating, but they've been "casually" snogging and shagging and whatever else for four months now. Mary is pretty, funny and endlessly caring. Remus can't hate Mary. Remus really likes Mary. The problem is that Sirius likes Mary. Of course he does. Why wouldn't he? They seem quite perfect together. Sirius is arguably the most attractive boy at Hogwarts, and Mary is undeniably the most beautiful girl. They're both cheeky and popular and blunt as butter knives. They make sense.
Mary is the first to see Remus, and she breaks the kiss with Sirius before erupting into sheepish giggles into his shoulder. That's when Sirius' eyes meet Remus'. It's impossible to miss the combination of surprise and anger flooding the watery grey pools. Without breaking eye contact, Sirius leans down to whisper something imperceptible in Mary's ear. She nods amicably in response, and Sirius stands to face Remus.
"Moony. We need to talk." His voice is hard and cold.
"Oh, ah- actually, I'd better go, Sirius," Remus stutters clumsily, "Lily's waiting for me and-"
"She can wait a little longer." Sirius interrupts, before roughly grabbing Remus by the arm and dragging him towards the stairs. Remus glances at Mary, silently pleading for help. She chuckles softly, mouthing "Good Luck" before swiftly leaving the common room.
Sirius drags Remus all the way to their dorm, then harshly shoves him over.
"Ow, Sirius, what the fuck was that for?"
"Why are you avoiding me? What did I do?" Sirius retaliates.
"I - I'm not!" Remus snaps defensively.
"Don't fucking lie to me Remus! What did I do? What, did you think I just wouldn’t notice you stealing the map and hiding away all the time?"
"I already told you I'm not-"
"-then what the fuck is going on? What did I do?" Sirius' face is flushed now, and he's breathing very rapidly.
Remus just watches him, his best mate, in pure distress, and the guilt hits him like a sack of bricks to the stomach.
"You didn't do anything Sirius, I swear. It's just, I can't do it right now."
Sirius' beautiful lips tremble like a small child's. "Do what?"
Remus takes a deep, grounding breath. For all his secrets, he's never been a good liar when it comes to his people.
"I can't be around you, Sirius. It's not good for me." Immediately, Remus regrets those words, because Sirius looks like he's about to break into pieces.
"If I'm not good enough for you Moony, I can be better!" Sirius is frantic now, and talking a million miles a minute. "I can be so good, Moony, please. Don't leave me. I may be a Black but I'm not like my family, and I'll be so good. Just don't give up on us yet. Please."
"Sirius. Sirius, stop it. Just-" then Remus does something he never does. Remus doesn't much like physical affection, and he doesn't love hugs, but now he embraces Sirius, pulling him in tight against his chest. Remus has extremely heightened hearing, and right now he can hear Sirius' heart rate going about a hundred times faster than usual.
"It's not you, Sirius. You're not the problem. It's me." Remus summons all the courage the sorting hat picked up on when he was placed in Gryffindor. "I don't trust myself around you because you, Sirius Black, are everything I want."
Remus lets that sit between them for a while. His heart is racing and the only thing he can think is Fuck. Shit. What have I done? I've just confessed to my best mate that I fancy him! Stupid. Stupid. Why did I do that? The silence drags on so long, with no reaction from Sirius, that Remus begins to wonder if he even heard him. They're still pressed together in a tight embrace, so Remus tries to back off to give Sirius some space because he's most likely just ruined everything. But as soon as Remus steps back, Sirius lashes out and bundles Remus' jumper in his fists. Remus blinks, and then Sirius is forcibly pulling him in, and their lips crash together like magnets. They're kissing, and its awkward because its new. But its desperate like it's been inevitable. And it's beautiful. So, so beautiful.
"Oh Moony," Sirius presses a whisper against Remus' lips, "you don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that."
Remus has never been a lucky person. His life has been full of challenges and disappointments and setbacks that most never even imagine. Now it seems that has drastically changed. Remus is kissing Sirius Black, and he's the luckiest man alive. Remus has Sirius Black in his arms and heart now, and he doesn't think he'll ever be able to let him go. Oh yes, Remus' luck has definitely taken a positive turn.
But what goes up must always come down.