Falling.
SIRIUS
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Usually, Sirius isn’t the most observant person. In truth, he often doesn’t care about a lot of people and events and things, because he feels they are beneath him. If nothing else, Walburga would be proud of him for that. However, when it comes to Remus Lupin, Sirius pays attention. When they’d met on the train before their first year, Sirius noticed the freckles decorating Remus’ nose. They reminded him of the constellation charts he had studied for years with Regulus. Sometimes Sirius thought he could see his name-sake star reflected on Remus’ face.
When Remus disappeared every month and came back to the dorm, withdrawn and exhausted, Sirius noticed. He saw how the other boy would get steadily more anxious as the moon waxed to its peak.
Sirius noticed the joy in Remus’ expression whenever he was presented with chocolate or a good book, and then he aimed to replicate that joy at every opportunity.
And in their third year, Sirius noticed that Remus was tall. Over the Christmas break, Remus had shot up like a beanstalk. Any lingering baby fat around his cheekbones had given way to an attractively defined jawline. His hair had grown out to the perfect length which drew attention to his deep brown eyes. To make matters worse, Remus started ditching wizarding robes in favour of muggle clothing, and even the blind could see how they complimented his muscles. Remus was handsome. This realisation had admittedly been quite a shock to Sirius, but try as he might, he could not ignore it. From then on, Remus was always on Sirius’ mind. His hands, his hair, his laugh. Everything about him was enrapturing.
At first, Sirius tried convincing himself it was some sort of jealousy, because he wasn’t the only one who noticed these things about Remus. Many of the girls had taken an interest, but none were so persistent as Emmeline Vance. In the middle of third year, Emmeline began following Remus around Hogwarts like a lost puppy. She was shamelessly flirty, and always annoyed when Remus wouldn’t pick up on her very obvious signals. Then she began outright pestering him for Hogsmeade dates, and to Sirius’ delight, Remus always declined. One day, Emmeline had approached the marauders whilst they were lazing about in the sun in the courtyard. “Hey Remus… so, there’s another Hogsmeade trip coming up and-”, “Emmeline, it’s not happening, I’m sorry.” Remus muttered, shaking his head. Emmeline huffed. Clearly, the rejection was getting to her. Unfortunately for Emmeline, it was the day of a full moon, so it was really not a good time to push Remus.
“What is your problem Remus? Why won’t you just give me a chance? I’m sure we could have a lot of fun. In fact-”
“Fuck off, Emmeline. I do not want to go on a date with you.” Remus snarled irritably.
Emmeline looked shocked and considerably hurt by this. Her face turned red, and she jabbed a pointy finger towards Remus’ face. “Well! What is wrong with you? You would be lucky if I would go on a date with you! There are boys lining up to talk to me. What, do you not like girls or something?” She snickered in a mean, condescending way. Remus stood up. He towered over her, and his arms were shaking with the rage that could only be brought on by an upcoming moon.
“You know what, Emmeline?” Remus was glaring at her. “Not that’s its any of your fucking business, but no. Is that what you want to hear? No, I don’t like girls, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t want you. You’re a self centred bitch who doesn't know when to give it up!”
Remus had stormed off then, and Sirius had later found him hiding in his least favourite place at Hogwarts. The Shrieking Shack. Remus had stared at him with terrified, pleading eyes, and Sirius had assured him that it was okay, of course it was okay, for him to not like girls. Sirius didn’t even know it was okay, before that point, because certainly no one had ever told him that. But Remus was perfect, so if Remus said he didn’t fancy girls, then Sirius knew it must be alright. James and Peter had arrived at the Shack soon after, and they too had been immediately accepting of Remus fancying or not fancying whoever he pleased. Remus had been so relieved, and when the sun went down and the four of them went running through the forest, Moony was more free than ever before.
After that, Sirius couldn’t hide his feelings for Remus behind the excuse of jealousy any more. Towards the end of third year, Sirius had crept in James’ bed in the middle of the night and confessed that he fancied Remus. James was immediately supportive, but he’d encouraged Sirius to wait for Remus to make the first move, because what if Remus thought Sirius was just using him to experiment with his own feelings? So, Sirius waited. And waited. Nothing changed between the two of them until the beginning of fifth year, when Remus started avoiding him wherever possible. And then they’d fought. And then - they’d kissed. Sirius felt like he was a toddler again, discovering the wonders of magic for the first time.
***
After their first kiss, Sirius and Remus became insatiable for one another’s touch. They would pull each other behind tapestries and into empty classrooms and hidden passageways just so they could hold each other and snog and trace love letters on skin. There was no real need for them to hide their relationship from James and Peter, but there was something so enticing about a thrilling secret romance.
Some nights, Sirius would sneak into Remus’ bed, and they’d cast a silencing charm just so they could hold each other and talk and laugh. Sirius savoured every touch of Remus’ skin against his, no matter how minute. If they were feeling brave, they would hold hands beneath the desk in classes, or link their legs together under the dining table. It was like a magic bubble, with just the two of them inside, safe from the judgement of the rest of the world.
Though he would never admit it to Remus, Sirius always looked forward to full moons. Padfoot and Moony were inseparable now, always play fighting, tackling and licking each other. They’d both howl at the moon, and bask in the freedom of leaving behind any human worries for just one night. Sirius and Remus managed to keep their relationship a secret for nearly three months. Or, so they’d thought. They lay in Remus’ bed together one night, kissing and exploring each other's bodies like they were made of treasure. “Oh, Remus,” Sirius kept quietly moaning against Remus’ lips. Then, a pillow came flying through the bed curtains and hit the back of Sirius’ head.
“Oi, Idiots!” Peter’s voice rang out through the dorm, “You forgot the silencing charm, and some of us are trying to sleep!”
Remus bolted upright in alarm, head-butting Sirius in the face in the process. “Pete! Pete, it’s not like it sounds like, alright? Sirius and I are just, um…”
“Relax, Moony. James and I aren’t thick, you know. We know you guys are…together, or whatever you want to call it. Fine. Please, for the love of Merlin, just use the silencing charm.”
“We’re very happy for you both!” James added cheerfully, “Be safe! Oh, and use protection because-”
“OKAY. Alright, thank you guys. Now if you don’t mind..” Sirius cut them off, then immediately cast a silencing charm and went straight back to working his lips across Remus’ jawline.
***
A few nights before the Christmas break, Sirius and Remus snuck out of the castle and went to one of their favourite places in the forbidden forest. This clearing was only for them. They had found it on one of the most recent moons, when they had managed to temporarily escape Prongs and Wormtail. Here, sparse trees formed a ring around a dazzlingly clear lake. The only light came from the crescent moon and its neighbouring stars. Cutting through the silence, Sirius could hear the sounds of life vibrating throughout the woods. Light magic, dark magic. Animals, fairies, centaurs, boggarts, and who knows what else, all co-existing in a delicate balance. To Sirius, the forbidden forest was a place of beauty and transformation and possibility. Almost as though if you could prove yourself worthy, the forest would reveal its secrets to you. Sirius felt the same way about Remus. The more Remus shared with him and let him in, the more his feelings grew.
Sirius flashed Remus a cheeky grin, then hastily slipped off his clothing.
Remus began to question him. "What are you-Oh, Sirius, no. Come on, it would be freezing in there!"
But it was a lost cause. Sirius had already been tempted into the crystal water. "No, Moons, actually it's beautiful. It's the perfect temperature I promise. Come in!" Sirius playfully splashed water at Remus. Sirius had anticipated that Remus would be hesitant and need a little more convincing, but instead Remus had his clothes off in an instant and was diving right into the water.
And then he didn't resurface. After a few moments, Sirius became frantic. He couldn't really see anything below the surface in the dim light. "Moony! Moony!" Sirius called out, wading hopelessly about through the water. Then, Sirius was thrown into the air, and was utterly relived to find himself hoisted up on Remus' broad, strong shoulders. "Oh Merlin, Moony." Sirius let out an exaggerated breath. "Why would you freak me out like that? I honestly thought you had drowned or something!" Remus only laughed before before swinging Sirius down from his shoulders and planting him right against his chest. "Yeah, you wish Pads. If I'd have drowned, you would have needed to give me CPR." Sirius just huffed out a laugh, unwilling to admit that he had no idea what 'CPR' was. Probably some sort of muggle thing. Remus playfully dunked him under the water, which lead to Sirius retaliating, and then they were kissing and touching and gasping for air, and Sirius wondered if maybe it was him who was really drowning. Remus and Sirius were full of wanting and desire, and they let each other in to their bodies and souls. They christened the lake several times before dragging themselves out of the water and collapsing on the shore.
Sirius lay against Remus' chest, their bodies glistening with lake water and sweat. Moony's hands danced through Sirius' hair, and Sirius' lips marked territory against Remus' torso.
"Hey Moons?" Sirius muttered, his voice lower than a whisper.
"Yeah, Padfoot?"
"Tell me a secret. A nice one."
Remus considered this for a moment, then pressed his lips against Sirius' ear. His breath tickled and sent a shivery sensation down his neck.
"Alright, my secret is that you are the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Sirius is powerless against the blush that immediately colours his cheeks. He attacks Remus' throat with desire bordering on violent. "Well, Moony, I have a secret of my own..." Sirius whispers, gently punctuating each word with a kiss. "But I don't want to keep this secret. I want to shout it from the towers. I want everyone to know how much I love you, Remus." Remus inhales sharply, and Sirius watches his eyes glisten. He doesn't say it back, but that's okay, because Remus knowing how Sirius feels is enough. Merlin, it's more than enough. Sirius had to get it off his chest, because his love for Remus is the heaviest, most precious thing he's ever carried. Eventually, they fall asleep in each other’s arms, naked and vulnerable on the ground in the forbidden forest. It's silly, but they can get away with it because they're young. They will have their whole lives to grow up into sensible, boring people together. In this moment, none of that matters. In this moment, they are infinite.