Chapter 3
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-Seventh Year, New Year’s Eve-
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22:00
Sirius loved loud parties, and parties in the winter. Which means that Slytherin House’s Annual New Year’s Party was his absolute favorite. A dark room with flashing lights and music cranked up to the point where you could feel it in your bones. He could wear a zipped up jacket and no one would care, they would just blame it on the cold.
Remus, on the other hand, did not like loud parties. And Sirius knew this. Sure, he could tolerate them for a short time, but after about an hour, he had to leave. Which was why Sirius was now standing on a chair looking for him because he was not in the same place he had been ten minutes ago.
Come on, he’s six and a half feet tall! How hard can it be to— There he is.
Remus was standing in a corner. He’d been in a corner ten minutes ago, but he’d moved. Sirius hopped off the chair and ducked through the crowd of people to get to him.
“Hey, Moonlight.” Sirius slipped his hand into Remus's. “Let’s ditch this place for a while, yeah?”
Remus's eyes found Sirius. “You’re having fun.” His gaze was a bit distracted.
Sirius shrugged. “Sure, but it’s not like this party won’t be here until two in the morning.” He tugged on Remus's hand until Remus started walking. “Moons, you hate parties like this.”
Remus just nodded and let Sirius lead him out of the Slytherin common room.
Sirius wasn’t sure exactly where they were going until they were standing outside of the kitchens.
Oh, that’s perfect, actually. Remus always had chamomile tea when he was stressed, and Sirius was sure that he knew exactly how to make it.
Sirius glanced at Remus, who he was pretty sure didn’t even know where they were. He reached out to tickle the pear so the portrait swung open. “Why do you have to tickle a pear to get in?” Sirius said, fully aware that Remus probably would not respond. “The back door you just walk in.”
“Going to the kitchens is probably highly discouraged,” Remus mumbled. “No one would think to tickle a pear.”
Regulus was sitting at the island, talking to one of the elves. He looked up when they walked in. “Did you get tired of the loud music too?” He asked. “I love Barty, but any party he has any hand in is always so loud.”
Sirius nodded and let go of Remus's hand to search the kitchen. “Yeah, we’re here to—”
“Reevaluate your life’s choices?” Regulus waved to the house elf he’d been talking to as she curtseyed and left.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Get away from the party for a bit.” He opened a cabinet and huffed. “There is no organization in this kitchen!”
“Of course there is,” Regulus said. “You just don’t understand it.” He stood and looked into the cabinet Sirius had flung open. “What are you looking for?”
“Chamomile tea, honey, mint, and milk.” Sirius closed the cabinet and opened a drawer. He turned around and the ingredients were on the island. “What?”
Regulus wrinkled his nose. “Sirius, you don’t like tea.”
“It’s not for me.” Sirius put water in the electric kettle and left it to boil.
James poked his head into the kitchen. “Hey, Reg— Oh, Sirius, Remus. What are you doing here?”
“Party was too loud.” Sirius sat down at the island and tilted his head. “Moons, why don’t you sit down?”
Remus didn’t seem to notice that Sirius was talking to him. Which… wasn’t normal at this point. They’d been away from the party for a while, and usually he would have come back to reality by now.
Regulus tapped Sirius's shoulder. “I’m going back to the party. Don’t get caught.”
Sirius waved as Regulus and James left. He stood and brushed his hand against Remus's face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Remus blinked. “What?”
“You’re still out of it.” Sirius grabbed Remus's hands. “Something other than the party is bothering you.”
Remus shook his head. “It’s nothing, sweetheart.” He smiled. “Really, it was just the party.”
Sirius frowned. “I don’t—”
Remus kissed Sirius, cutting off the rest of his sentence. Sirius's eyes shut and for a moment he forgot what he was saying. Remus put one hand on Sirius's neck and the other on his waist and pulled him closer.
Sirius's eyes opened and he pushed against Remus's chest. “Mmph, wait.”
Remus sighed and settled both his hands on Sirius's waist. “Yes?”
“I’m making you tea, and you’re telling me why you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset, Sirius.” Remus's hands pressed into Sirius's sides. “Really.”
Sirius gently pulled Remus's hands off his waist. “Not buying it.” He backed away. “I’m making you tea. What’s wrong?”
Remus was quiet as he sat down at the island.
Okay, tea bag in the cup and put two and a half teaspoons of honey in. Boiling water and just a tiny bit of mint, stir, pour in milk, but just a little, stir again, Done.
Sirius looked up at Remus, who had an odd expression on his face. “Did I do it wrong?” Shit, of course I did it wrong. I can’t do anything right. Why did I even try? Stupid—
Remus shook his head. “No, no. You did it right.”
Sirius studied the cup. “It’s for you.” He walked around the island and set it down in front of Remus. “I— Yeah. It’s for you.”
Remus picked up his tea and took a sip. “That’s really good.”
“Really?” Sirius tilted his head.
“Mhm. Exactly right.”
Sirius rested his head on his hand and watched Remus drink his tea. He could probably watch Remus for hours. Hours and hours and hours.
But right now was not watching time.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
Remus glared at Sirius. “Nothing is wrong, Sirius. Drop it.”
Sirius sat up straight and turned to completely face Remus. “If nothing is wrong, then why are you getting so defensive?”
“I’m not getting defensive, you’re just— You’re reading into something where there’s nothing to be read.”
“Remus I’ve known you for seven fucking years, I think I would know when something’s off! And it can’t be the full moon because I know for sure that it’s over two weeks away.”
“Nothing is wrong!” Remus shot to his feet, knocking his mug over and spilling it across the countertop. Remus's voice was harsh.
Remus was never harsh.
Sirius flinched. His heart slammed in his chest. His muscles tensed, ready to run.
Remus froze.
Silence.
“Sirius, I—”
“No, no. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed.” Sirius scrambled to his feet, grabbed the nearest towel, and cleaned up the spilled tea. He felt tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just— I didn’t want you to be— and I just made it worse.” He picked up the mug but his hands were shaking so hard he dropped it and it shattered on the tiled floor. “I’m sorry.”
“Sirius—”
Sirius shook his head. My fault. He’s mad it’s my fault I can’t even clean up tea properly I broke the mug the house elves are going to be mad he’s mad I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorrysorrysorrysorry.
He looked around for a broom and dustpan to clean up.
“Sirius, please—”
“Just go,” Sirius snapped. He clapped a hand over his mouth, but he’d already said it.
Just go.
The words seemed to echo in the silence. Louder and louder.
Just go.
Footsteps and then— Remus was gone.
Just go.
Sirius knelt next to the shattered mug and started picking up the pieces. Shaking. He was still shaking.
Just go.
Tears started to blur his vision. He couldn’t really see the pieces he was picking up.
Just go.
He yelped as one of the shards sliced a gash in his hand.
Just go.
He pressed his back against the island, pulled his knees to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them.
“Come back,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean it.”
The only sound in the kitchen was his breathing.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.”
Footsteps, too small to belong to a human. “Mister Sirius?”
Sirius looked up. Into the eyes of the house elf Regulus had been talking to.
“Mister Sirius is being sad. Kisney is clean up the broken mug for Mister Sirius.”
Sirius nodded. “Thank you— Kisney, did you say?”
“Mister Sirius is bleeding.”
Sirius glanced at his hand. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Is Mister Sirius wanting Kisney to go find Mister Remus to bringing him back?” Kisney tilted her head and raised her fingers, prepared to apparate.
Sirius shook his head. “He doesn’t want to come back.”
“But Mister Sirius is wanting him back. He says so.”
“Kisney, it’s fine, really.” Sirius wiped his eyes from tears and stood up. “See, I’m fine. I just have to wash this— Kisney?”
She’d vanished.
Sirius slumped back down against the island. Something about Kisney had stopped Sirius from spiraling more. So now he was just— he wasn’t sure, actually. It felt like a thousand bricks had settled on his chest, shoulders, back. He slid down until he was lying on the floor completely.
The tears were gone. But so was all other feeling. Except for this weight. He shut his eyes.
“Mister Sirius? Kisney has brought Mister Regulus because he is being Mister Sirius's brother and all.”
Sirius didn’t move. Didn’t make any sign that he’d heard her, because maybe then she’d just leave.
“Sirius?” Regulus's voice said. “Sirius, what happened?”
Sirius didn’t respond.
Regulus grabbed his wrist. “What did you do to your hand?” Regulus whispered a charm that Sirius couldn’t quite hear.
How am I supposed to explain this?
A sigh. “Kisney, what happened?”
“Mister Sirius and Mister Remus was fighting. But Kisney is not listening to students yelling. Is not Kisney’s business.”
“Remus did this?”
“Not the bleeding, Mister Sirius is trying to clean up the broken mug and cuts himself.”
“Okay. Kisney, are you able to apparate him up to the Gryffindor dorms?”
Sirius opened his eyes. “No.”
“What did that son of a bitch do?” Regulus growled. “I swear I’m gonna murder him.”
“No,” Sirius whispered. “Don’t hurt him.” He started to stand, but only managed to slump against the island again. He closed his eyes.
Regulus sighed. “Fine. Kisney, can you apparate him to my dorm?”
“Kisney can only apparate one at a time.”
“Yeah, I can walk back.”
“Or Mospy can do it.” A new voice chimed in. “Kisney can help Mister Sirius, and Mospy can help Mister Regulus.”
“That’s very nice of you, Mospy. Sirius, Kisney is going to apparate you to my dorm. You can sleep on my bed. Okay?”
Sirius nodded. And then he was on the floor in Regulus's dorm, leaning against the wall.
He was half expecting one of Regulus's roommates to be there, before he remembered the party.
A loud crack! and Regulus and another house elf appeared in the room. “Thank you, Kisney, Mospy. You can go.”
The pair of house elves nodded and apparated away.
Sirius got to his feet with a lot of help from the wall. “Regulus, there are a bunch of bricks super glued to my chest.”
Regulus scowled and marched towards the door. “What did he do?”
“He didn’t do—” The door opened and slammed shut— “anything.” Sirius sighed and sank down to the ground again.
He really didn’t want to walk all the way across the dorm room. Maybe he could sleep here. It would be fine. Maybe.
Before he could think too hard about it, his eyes shut and he fell asleep.
-About two hours later-
Sirius woke up to chanting down in the common room.
“10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
Something twisted in Sirius's stomach. Anger, maybe. Pain. Sadness. Hurt.
”You know, I watched you last year. When you grabbed that guy and kissed him on New Years,” Remus had said.
They were up on the astronomy tower, looking at the stars, huddled together under three or four blankets.
“Yeah?” Sirius tried to remember exactly who it was. “I was imagining he was you.”
Remus looked over at Sirius and grinned. “Do you even remember who you kissed?”
“No, but don’t tell him.” Sirius laughed. “Merlin, I feel so bad.”
“It was Dale Snow,” Remus said. “Ravenclaw, black hair, freckles.”
“Jealous, were you?” Sirius pressed his nose into Remus's neck.
“Incredibly.” Remus shivered. “Your nose is cold.”
“Mhm,” Sirius mumbled. “Will you kiss me on New Years?”
“I’m offended you think I’d do anything else.”
“Is it my fault?” Sirius curled his knees up to his chest. “If I hadn’t told him to go, would he have stayed? Could I have apologized?”
The door to the dorm opened. Regulus walked in. He froze and looked around, frowning when he saw Sirius hadn’t moved from where he’d been when Regulus left. “Sirius, do you want to go back to your dorm? Because you can stay here.”
“I think I want to go back.” Somehow, he didn’t think he was talking about his dorm. I want to go back to three hours ago and redo it all.
“I’ll walk you up.”
Sirius staggered to his feet and leaned against the wall. “Just give me a second.”
Regulus's frown got deeper. “I talked to Remus.”
Sirius slammed his head back against the wall, which sent pain shooting through his skull. “Does he hate me?”
“What?” Regulus asked. “Why would he hate you? He thinks you hate him.”
“Because I kept pressing him to tell me something he obviously didn’t want to tell me, if it was anything at all.” Sirius pushed away from the wall and started towards the door. “He doesn’t hate me?”
“No, he was devastated at the thought of you hating him,” Regulus said. “Merlin, you two need to talk.”
Not tonight.
Sirius shrugged and walked down the stairs to the common room, where the party was still in full swing. “He’s not at the party, right?”
“No. I think he’s in the dorms.”
Maybe we’ll talk tonight. “James and Peter?”
“Peter’s with Evan and Barty doing Merlin knows what. I can only hope they don’t come back to the dorms tonight. James is still at the party. He’s talking to Dorcas and Marlene.”
Sirius stepped into the common room and scanned it. The party wasn’t winding down anytime soon. Slytherin parties went well past midnight, sometimes hitting three in the morning before people even thought about going back to their dorms. It was one of the things Sirius knew could never happen at a Gryffindor party.
Mostly because Gryffindor parties happened primarily on weekdays, much to the dismay of Lily Evans. But even the ones that did happen on weekends were dying down or over by midnight.
Sirius avoided the middle of the room, hoping to avoid anyone asking where he’d been for the past two hours. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite manage.
“Pads!” James called. “Hey, where did you go?”
Sirius glanced at Regulus trying to ask ‘can you handle him?’ with just his eyes.
Regulus looked at James and gave a tiny shake of his head. Not this time.
Sirius nodded and plastered a smile on his face. “Hey, Prongs.” He turned to face his best friend and almost winced at the combined worry and excitement on his face. “Yeah, sorry, the music got a little loud. I’m actually just going to head back to the dorms.”
James tugged at the bracelet on his wrist. “Where’s Remus?”
“Not sure,” Sirius said. “Haven’t seen him for a couple hours.” Sirius faked a yawn and started backing away. “I’ve gotta get going. See you later.”
James started to follow, but Regulus rested his hand on James's arm. “You’ll see him tomorrow.”
Sirius wasn’t actually sure which one of them Regulus was talking to, but Sirius nodded and turned to find a way to the door.
He made it out of the common room before Regulus caught up to him. “James gave this to me.” He handed the map to Sirius. It was blank. “And I don’t know what it is, but he said you would.”
Sirius tilted his head at Regulus. “James hasn’t told you about this yet?” He pulled his wand out of his jacket and tapped it. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” Sirius studied Regulus for his reaction.
Regulus grabbed the map and ran his fingers over it. “What is this?”
“It’s a map, duh.” Sirius tried to laugh, but something stopped him. “Here, watch it to make sure we don’t get caught.”
Regulus didn’t look away from the map. “And these dots are people?”
“Yes, don’t you see the names?”
“How did you do this?”
“I think Remus has the notes. It would actually be fairly simple to recreate, now we’ve done it once.” Sirius glared at the moving staircase, which was not currently where he wanted it to be. “Hey, hit the staircase on the map with your wand and say ‘times’”
“Six, three, seven, two.”
“Yeah, not doing that. Follow me.” He took a sharp left and ducked through a doorway. Sometimes the stairs were faster, but in this case, they were not.
“There are passages out of the castle?” Regulus said, still staring at the map.
“Of course there are.” Sirius paused at an intersection. “Can I see the map?”
Regulus held it out and Sirius glanced at it, quickly finding where they were and double-checking to make sure he knew the password. “Thanks, you can take it back.” He walked forward and tapped on the wall with his wand. “Aertacie.”
A door materialized in front of him. Regulus glared at it. “What the fuck did you just do?”
Sirius grinned. “Come on.” He pushed the door open.
“No way, I’m not following you into some creepy passageway that was not there three seconds ago.” Regulus backed away from the doorway.
Sirius flicked his wand and the end lit up. “Okay, then hand me the map and go back to the party. It’s okay to be scared.”
“Wha— Scared? I’m not scared.” He studied the doorway. “How often do you go through here?”
“Eight or nine times a week, sometimes more.” Sirius waved his wand. “Let’s go.”
Regulus nodded and took a step forward. “And you’re sure there’s not giant spiders or something in there?”
“Positive.”
Regulus sighed and walked into the tunnel. Sirius followed him and shut the door quietly. “Just keep walking forward until you reach the stairs,” Sirius told him. “And light up your wand.”
“Lumos,” Regulus muttered. “Where does this let out?”
“Trapdoor on the seventh floor, three corridors and a staircase away from the entrance to Gryffindor tower.”
They walked in silence for a while. The passageway wasn’t that long to begin with, but it seemed shorter than usual tonight. Sirius pushed the trapdoor open and climbed out. “All clear.”
“Yeah, I know. I have your map.” Regulus followed him into the empty corridor. “How did it take us all the way to the seventh floor?”
“Magic.” Sirius shrugged. “Pete asked the same thing.”
“How did you even find that tunnel?”
Sirius shrugged again. The closer they got to Gryffindor tower, the more Sirius did not want to be there.
He hates me. What if he sees me and decides to just— Leave? Of course he would. I mean, who would want to be with me. This was just the tipping point. He never would have snapped if I hadn’t said what I did. If I hadn't done what I did. Why did I do that? I wanted to make him feel better, and I just made it worse. I’m just so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid—
The chant continued in his head until they reached the tower. Through the portrait hole, common room, up the stairs.
Sirius froze outside the door. “He’s going to hate me.”
Regulus glared at Sirius. “You know what, I’ll go in first. I’ll talk to him, let him know you’re here.” Regulus pushed the door open and shut it behind him.
Sirius's was left alone. The staircase was dark. He could hear his heartbeat. He sat down on the top stair and leaned his head against the wall.
Stupid stupid stupid stupid—
The door clicked open again, Regulus stepped out, and nearly tripped over Sirius. “Damn it, Sirius,” he hissed. “Go talk to him and work out your problems.” He held up the map. “I’m going back to my dorm and I’ll give this back to James.” He walked back down the stairs and through the common room.
Talk? I can’t talk. I’ll just make it worse. I make everything worse.
He forced himself to stand up and walk into the room. Remus was standing in the middle of the room, but Sirius couldn’t look at him.
“Look, Remus, I know Regulus told me to talk to you, but I can’t right now. I’m tired and—” He grabbed a pair of sweatpants from his trunk and one of James's t-shirts. “Morning. We’ll talk in the morning.” He hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He flicked off the light and quickly got ready for bed.
When he walked out of the bathroom, Remus had gone to bed. Or, at least, that’s what it looked like. The curtains around his bed were closed.
Sirius sat down on his own bed and stared at Remus's. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
He flicked his wand and closed his curtains. He turned away from where Remus's bed was and curled into a ball, pressing his knees against his chest like it could keep his heart in one piece.
It was one fight. A tiny voice in his head whispered. You’re being dramatic.
“But what if he hates me?” Sirius whispered. “He hates me and I lo—” His words trailed off into a broken sob. He pressed a hand against his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut.
Movement. Remus's footsteps. Then his curtains opened. Remus got into the bed and wrapped his arms around Sirius.
Sirius tensed. “Remus—”
“No talking.” Remus's voice was quiet and it sounded like he might cry at any second. “I don’t have to stay. I just—” he took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.” He started to get up.
“Wait,” Sirius said, still not facing Remus. “Stay.”
Stay.
Remus didn’t move for a second as the word danced through the air.
Stay.
Sirius thought for a second that he wasn’t going to.
Stay.
Remus sighed. He shifted the blankets on Sirius's bed so Sirius was covered. He stayed perched on the edge of Sirius's bed.
Stay.
“Are you sure?”
Stay.
“Yes. I’m sure.”
Stay.
Remus slid under the covers and pulled Sirius back into his arms.
Sirius relaxed when Remus's arms tightened around him, crushing his heart back into one piece.
He closed his eyes and within seconds he was asleep.