Chapter 4
***
-Seventh Year, New Year’s Day-
***
Remus wasn’t there when Sirius woke up, but he’d left the curtains open, so Sirius was hoping maybe they’d be able to just… keep going as normal. In fact, the open curtains were probably what woke Sirius up. Bright sunlight was streaming through the window, which was usually blocked out by the curtains.
Sirius rolled over and looked around the room. Both Peter’s and James's beds weren’t slept in. Which means they’d either crashed somewhere else, or had never gone to bed.
The bathroom door opened and Remus walked into the main room, drying his hair with a towel. He grabbed a sweater from his trunk and pulled it over the white t-shirt he was wearing. He glanced at Sirius and smiled softly when he saw Sirius was awake.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He knelt by the bed and tilted his head so it was even with Sirius's. “It’s eight thirty.”
Sirius wrinkled his nose and groaned. “That’s way too early. Why am I awake?”
Remus laughed and got to his feet. “Sweetheart, it’s not that early.”
“For you.” Sirius sat up. “It’s the weekend, I’d be asleep until at least ten if I had my way.”
Remus crossed his arms. “You used to be up at five when you were on the Quidditch team.”
“Well, I’ve moved on from that part of my life.” Sirius squinted angrily at the window. “Might as well go to breakfast.”
“Sirius Black going to breakfast on a Sunday?” Remus said. “Unheard of.”
Sirius rolled his eyes and staggered out of bed. “If I just went down in my pajamas, would anyone care?”
“They wouldn’t.” Remus replied. “But put this on.” He tossed a sweater at Sirius. “It’s cold.”
Sirius yanked James's shirt off and threw it at James's bed before tugging the sweater over his head. “Thanks, Moons.”
Morning. We’ll talk in the morning. The words suddenly echoed in his head.
Talk. Did they have to talk? Yes. Sirius had to apologize and—
“Sirius, I’m sorry for last night.”
Sirius blinked at Remus. “What?”
Remus fidgeted with his sleeves. “I’m sorry for shouting and— and scaring you.” He looked out the window. “I should have told you what was wrong.”
Sirius shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have kept asking after you made it clear you didn’t want to talk.” He pressed his arms to his sides. “I’m sorry.”
Remus pulled a couple pieces of paper out of a bag. “Regulus told me I had to show these to you.”
Sirius took a few steps forward to stand next to Remus. “What are they?”
“Letters.” Remus handed the stack to Sirius. “From Snape.”
Sirius growled at the papers. “What did he say to you?”
“Do you remember early fifth year?” Remus said. “What— happened?”
The Incident. Snape had forced Sirius to take Veritaserum and, as a result, Sirius had told Snape that Remus was a werewolf. “But… Why would he bring that up now?”
“He’s threatening to get me expelled.” Remus leaned against a bedpost. A casual gesture, but Sirius could see how tense he was, and how his fingers were gripping the fabric of his sweater. “Regulus said he couldn’t do anything, but I mean… He’s pretty close to Avery and Mulciber.”
Sirius opened the first letter and read it quickly. “Hey, quick question, can I burn this?”
Remus chuckled. Sirius looked up, grinning. “I’m not kidding!” He waved the letter. “This is absolute bullshit.”
Remus grabbed the letter from Sirius. “It’s not like it’s impossible for him.”
“Okay, but what the fuck?” Sirius scoffed, opening the next letter. “I mean, he goes on and on about how he won’t tell anyone if you do his transfiguration, charms, and history homework.”
“He wants me to break up with you.”
Sirius froze. “What did you say?”
Remus pulled the rest of the letters out of Sirius's hands and tossed them on the floor. He rested his hands on Sirius's neck. “Told him to go to hell.” He pulled Sirius into a searing kiss.
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's waist. Before remembering— “Mm, Moons, wait.”
Remus sighed. “What, Sweetheart?”
“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”
Remus was silent, before bursting into laughter.
Sirius pressed his face into Remus's shoulder, smiling. I love you so much.
Remus dropped his arms to his sides. “Go brush your teeth so I can kiss you properly.”
About an hour later
When they finally made it to breakfast, the hall was nearly deserted. Which wasn’t surprising, because at least three-fourths of the school were at home for the break, and the ones who weren’t had to have been up until at least three.
Everyone who was here was at one table. Six Ravenclaws and two Hufflepuffs Sirius didn’t know, Peter, Evan, and Barty.
Sirius sat down across from Peter, Evan, and Barty, and Remus took the empty spot next to him. “Hey, Pete, where did you end up last night?” He asked.
Peter shrugged. “Come-and-go room.” He waved his fork around at the group. “You seen James?”
“Not since I left the party,” Sirius replied, grabbing a plate and making Remus's toast absentmindedly. “If I had to guess, he stayed with Reg.” He handed the plate to Remus.
Barty scoffed. “Yeah, if he didn’t I’d be surprised. Regulus practically threatened Evan and I to make sure we stayed out of the dorm last night.”
“Then where did you sleep?” Sirius rested his head on his hand. “If you weren’t allowed in the dorm.”
Barty glanced at Peter. “Come-and-go room.”
Remus coughed in an attempt to cover a laugh. Sirius knew that sound well. Unfortunately, so did Peter.
“You’re just jealous that my boyfriends are hotter than your boyfriend,” Peter said, smirking.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Never before has a bigger lie been spoken.”
Barty clicked his tongue. “Sorry, Peter, but Remus is right. I’d leave you both in a heartbeat if Sirius were to say the word.”
Sirius grinned and sent a wink in Barty’s direction. “All you had to do was ask.”
Remus twisted his hand in Sirius's. “Sorry, Crouch. He’s mine.” There was a hint of a growl in Remus's voice that sent shivers up Sirius's spine and made his heartbeat pick up.
“Jealous, much?” Evan muttered.
Remus grunted and leaned over to brush his lips against Sirius's ear. “Insanely.” He whispered so only Sirius could hear.
Sirius felt his face heat up as Remus backed away. “Actually, I’m taken. Like so very absolutely taken.” He twisted to face Peter. “Also, boyfriends? When did that happen?”
“Last night, officially,” Peter replied. “But probably about a month ago unofficially.”
“And you didn’t say anything?” Sirius said. “A month? Really?”
Peter shrugged again. “You didn’t ask.”
Barty snorted. “Glad you were so excited to tell your friends about us.”
The conversation died off after that, with everyone too busy eating to talk. Eventually, Pandora, Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas showed up. Lily and Dorcas were completely awake, Pandora was hanging off Lily’s arm, half asleep, and Marlene was leaning on Dorcas, it was anyone’s guess as to if she was actually awake or not.
Dorcas and Marlene sat down on Barty, Evan, and Peter’s side of the table. Marlene laid down on the bench and Dorcas looked down at her fondly before getting food for both herself and Marlene.
Lily looked at the group at the table and sighed. “When will my wife return from the war?” She guided Pandora to the bench next to Remus and sat down in between her and Remus. She thunked her head onto Remus's shoulder. “She left two weeks ago and I know not when she will return.”
“Mary will be back with everyone else at the end of the week,” Remus said, pushing her head off his shoulder. “I think you’ll survive.”
“You don’t understand, Remus!” Lily piled food onto a plate and slid it in front of Pandora. “You’ve never had part of your soul just up and leave, with no contact—”
“Lily, she wrote to you yesterday.”
“No warning—”
“She always goes home for Christmas break.”
“No knowing if she’ll return—”
Pandora giggled. “Lily, you’re so dramatic.” She sighed happily, half-asleepily, and leaned her head on Lily’s shoulder. “I love you.”
Lily smiled and pressed a kiss to Pandora’s head. “I love you too, angel.”
Barty whacked Evan then turned and whacked Peter. “Hey, why can’t we be like that?”
Evan raised an eyebrow. “Put your head on my shoulder and sigh like Pandora did.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“That’s why.”
Barty huffed and turned to Peter. Peter tilted his head. “Put your head—”
“Fine, I get it.” Barty threw his hands in the air. “We’re not like that.”
Peter laughed. “Sorry, babe. Love you.”
Barty crossed his arms. “Love you, too.”
Evan chuckled. “You’re pouting because we’re not like the girls.” He propped his arm on Barty’s shoulder and tugged on his hair. “You’re ridiculous.”
“You love me for it.”
“Of course I do.”
Dorcas studied Peter. “So did Barty and Evan finally get their shit together and ask you to be their boyfriend?” She asked Peter.
“Yeah,” Evan said. “It took us two months of wanting and a month of messing around to do it, but yeah.”
“Took you long enough,” Marlene mumbled, finally sitting up and staring at the table.
“Finally decided to join us, did you?” Dorcas pressed a kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek. “Good morning. I love you.”
“Love you, too. Why did you wake me up so early?” Marlene grunted and leaned against Dorcas's shoulder. Dorcas rested her head on top of Marlene’s and stabbed some eggs with her fork. She lifted the fork to Marlene’s mouth and poked her lips a few times. Marlene wrinkled her nose and reluctantly let Dorcas feed her.
Sirius watched how the group was interacting with their partners. Every single one of them had said “I love you” or at least implied it in the time they’d been here.
I’ve never told Remus I loved him. I’ve never even agreed— but then again he’s never said “you love me for it” like Barty did. Sirius glanced sideways at Remus, who was talking to Lily, who was speaking at a much lower and less dramatic tone than she’d walked in with. Does he realise I’ve never said it? Could I say it back if he says it? He’s said it before. Does it bother him I’ve never said it back?
Sirius's thoughts were cut off when he saw Regulus and James wander into the hall. James was practically skipping, as he tended to do. It was his preferred mode of transportation. While Regulus was glaring at everyone and everything, drowning in a t-shirt three sizes too big for him, with a coffee mug in his hand.
James bounced over and sat down next to Sirius. “Are you feeling better this morning?”
Sirius nodded. “Yeah, sorry I left so early last night.”
“It’s okay, as long as you’re taking care of yourself.” James bumped his shoulder against Sirius's. “Reg, love, what do you want for breakfast?”
“Not hungry.” Regulus grumbled. “I would have preferred you not have got me up at fucking nine o’clock in the morning.”
“Love, I told you, you could’ve stayed in bed.” James put a bit of everything on the table onto a plate and passed it to Regulus.
Regulus muttered something into his coffee and scowled at James. “Yeah, but you woke me up. I can’t sleep after I’m woken up.”
“I’m sorry. Do you still love me?” James pouted, although it was obviously fake.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Of course I still love you.” He took another sip of coffee. “But wake me up this early again and I will kill you.”
“Mhm. How would you do it?” James asked, turning fully to face Regulus.
Regulus glared at James. “I think I’d probably cut open your stomach and pull your insides out. You’d either die of pain or blood loss.”
“Mm. Wouldn’t I die of the loss of organs, though?” James propped his head on his hand.
“Not if I tied you down and did it surgery-style.” Regulus put his mug down and looked at the ceiling. “Tied down, like completely restrained, precise incisions, and then carefully remove everything except maybe essentials for breathing and blood circulation. I could keep your organs in a jar like the ancient Egyptians did. Then, if you’re not dead at that point, I could poke holes in your lungs.” He shrugged. “But you’d probably die of pain.”
Sirius's stomach twisted and he pressed his fist to his mouth. “Not at the table, please.”
Evan laughed. “Squeamish?”
“And not even embarrassed about it,” Sirius said. “That is the most horrifying thing I’ve heard in my life.” He glanced at his brother. “Would you actually do it?”
Regulus shook his head. “Not to James, or anyone I care about. But I probably would if I needed to.”
“There are plenty of other ways to kill someone that aren’t as sick as that.” Remus pointed out.
“Well would you rather I said—”
“And I’m out.” Sirius stood up. “I’m going. Have a wonderful breakfast hearing about all the lovely ways Regulus could kill you.”
“I’ll go with you,” Remus said. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. Sundays are completely unscripted.”
“Have you done the break homework yet?” Lily asked. “The stuff for History, Transfiguration, and Charms?”
“No I have not.” Sirius pointed at Lily. “But you haven’t either, have you?”
Lily opened her mouth, then closed it. “Ugh, I meant to, I swear.”
Sirius nodded sharply. “That’s what I thought.” He turned. “You coming, Moons?”
“Yeah.” Remus grabbed Sirius's hand and they walked out of the hall.
The corridors were deserted. Totally silent.
“Feels like a library out here,” Remus said softly. “Can’t talk too loud.”
“Mrs. Pince is going to jump out and scold us,” Sirius mumbled. “‘The library is for reading, not chattering. Out, out!’”
Remus chuckled. “Sweetheart, you know she only ever tells you that.”
“And James,” Sirius huffed. “It’s not just me.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Remus draped his arm around Sirius's shoulders, pulling him close.
Sirius smiled and leaned into Remus, wrapping his arm around his waist. I love you. Sirius looked up at Remus and tried to voice the thought. I love you. “Does it bother you?”
Remus furrowed his brow. “That you’re loud in the library?”
Does it bother you that I’ve never said I love you? Does it bother you that I’ve never shown you that I love you? Does it bother you that I love you?
“Yeah.”
Remus shook his head. “Nah. It doesn’t really bother me. I like your voice.”
“Really? Why?”
“Why? I guess I never thought about why.” Remus paused. “Your voice is very musical, elegant, soothing.” He shrugged. “Pretty.”
Sirius laughed. “I’ve always thought my voice was rough and scratchy.”
“It’s most definitely not either of those things.”
“Huh. You know your voice sounds like warmth. Like when you’re by the fire wrapped in a blanket. Sounds like safety.” Sirius tilted his head. “But I guess that’s not a sound description.”
“I mean I don’t get it, but thank you.” Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius's hair.
Sirius hesitated for a moment. “Remus, you— all of you is like warmth. And safety.” He stared at the ground. “You make me feel safe.”
Remus was quiet for a moment. “I make you feel safe?”
“How could you make me feel anything but safe?” Sirius asked. I love you.
“For one, I’m a fucking werewolf, and two, I— I yelled at you last night.”
“Well for the first one, you’re literally just a person. I mean—” Sirius reached up to pat Remus's head. “Your hair is actually so fluffy, which is the opposite of threatening. And you run into doorways if you’re not paying attention. I’m sorry, but you don’t scare me. Plus, I’m an animagus. You’re not a threat to me.” He paused. “Second, you’ve never yelled at me before, well, not angrily. You’ve yelled at me when I’m in a different room, or down a busy hallway, and you needed something, but that’s not the point.” Sirius shook his head. “Anyway, you had multiple things stressing you out, me being one of them. You were going to snap. Anyone would have. And I’m pretty sure you’re not going to do it again any time soon. Also, you’ve apologized.” Sirius booped Remus's nose, making him blink, startled. “You’re my safe person, and you’re going to stay that way.”
Remus didn’t respond. Was that too much? Of course it was, I’m always too much. Or too little. Right now, it’s a balancing act and I’m dropping all the plates. He’s my safe person, I don’t want him to leave. But he’s going to. Of course he’s going to. He’s going to leave. And I can’t do anything and—
“Sirius, you’re spiraling,” Remus said, stopping their walk and tilting Sirius's chin up to face him. “Hey, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but it’s not true.”
Sirius's glanced at the wall behind Remus. “I know, I know.” His shoulders slumped. “I think it's a habit at this point.”
“Sirius, I’m honoured to be your safe person.”
Sirius finally met Remus's gaze. “Yeah?”
“Of course.” Remus pulled Sirius into a tight hug. “Although James might be pretty upset if he’s also not a safe person.”
Sirius laughed. “Obviously. You, James, Regulus, and Peter are my safe people. Oh, also Effie and Monty. But all in different ways.” I love you. “Hey, let’s go walk around the lake.”
“Sirius, it’s below freezing outside.” Remus crossed his arms.
“So?” Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and tried to pull him down the hallway. “Let’s go get warm clothes on and go for a walk. Please?”
Remus sighed, but he was smiling. “Okay, okay. But you have to wear at least three layers.” He grinned. “And one of them has to be one of my sweaters.”
Sirius nodded. “I thought that was a given.” He tugged on the top he was wearing. “This is yours.”
“I know. If you’ve already forgotten, I told you to wear it.” Remus pulled Sirius back and wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist.
“Hmm. Well now I’m wondering if you actually told me to put this on because it was cold, or because you like seeing me in your clothes.” Sirius said, pressing his hands against Remus's chest.
“Can’t it be both?” Remus bent down and bumped Sirius's nose with his own. “You stay warm and I get to see you in my clothes. Win-win.”
“Mhm. I like wearing your clothes, so it’s more of a win for me…” Sirius tilted his head. “I mean I’m sure we could find another win for—” Remus didn’t let him finish, and cut him off with a kiss.
I’m not going to stop him this time. Sirius closed his eyes and rested his hands against Remus's neck.
This time, Remus pulled away first. Sirius huffed. “Why’d you stop?”
“I thought you wanted to go on a walk.” Remus backed away down the corridor. “Come on.”
Sirius crossed his arms. “Really?”
Remus didn’t reply. Instead, he turned around and kept walking. “Well, I’m going up to the dorms, you can come if you want. Or you can stand there.” He shrugged. “Your choice.”
***
Sirius rolled his eyes and hurried after Remus. “Fuck you.”
Remus stopped and waited for Sirius to catch up. “Mm, no.” He leaned down and whispered in Sirius’ ear. “But I’ll gladly fuck you if you ask nicely.”
Sirius’s stomach flipped and he froze. “What?” His voice was far too high. His face burned and he cleared his throat. “What?”
Remus turned to face Sirius. “That’s a pretty shade of red, Sweetheart.”
Sirius couldn’t say anything. Any words he might’ve said were caught in his throat. His head was a jumble of half-thought thoughts and Remus’s words on repeat. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, but no words.
Remus shook his head. “I need to flirt with you more often.” He kept walking and Sirius barely managed to convince his feet to follow.
“What?”
“Your voice is very hot when you’re flustered.” Remus laughed. “All high and breathless.”
“Flustered.” Sirius blinked and stopped. “What?”
Remus backtracked a few steps and wrapped an arm around Sirius’s shoulders. “Let’s keep walking, hm?”
Sirius nodded and his head started to clear a bit. “If you want me to keep walking, don’t say stuff like that.”
“Noted,” Remus said.
The rest of the walk was pretty quiet, due to Sirius being completely unable to get Remus’s words out of his head. And the thought behind the words.
And then he started to get scared.
He said he wanted to fuck me. Sex. He wants sex. Okay, that’s fine. I do too. But what if— What if I do something wrong? I’ve never had sex before, I don’t know how it’s done. And what if my body isn’t good enough. I’m not really hot or even pretty what if— Sirius shook his head slightly. Shush. It’s fine. Remus lo— cares about you. If we do have sex, he’ll not make fun of you for not knowing how. And he obviously thinks you're hot enough, or he wouldn’t have said that, right? He leaned slightly into Remus. You’re okay.
When they finally reached the dorms, Remus pressed Sirius against the door and leaned over to brush his lips against Sirius’s jaw. “Do you want to go on that walk, now?”
Sirius shivered and closed his eyes. “No, no not really.”
“I didn’t think so.” Remus mumbled. “You know, this is how I hoped last night would go.”
“Well then let’s pretend.” Sirius’s hands were shaking, but he tugged his wand out of his pocket and waved it at the windows, which darkened. “It’s just after midnight, January first.” He opened his eyes and looked at Remus. “What are you going to do?”