You're Perfect

***
-Seventh Year, September-
***

Sirius bounced on his toes, looking around for Remus. They'd talked about hanging out over the summer, but something had always seemed to come up. They hadn't even been able to help him during the full moons.

Sirius was positive he was going mad.

"Where is he why isn't he here yet?" Sirius tugged on the hem of his shirt.

James turned in a circle, looking over the sea of heads. "He has fifteen minutes. You can survive for fifteen more minutes."

"I'm one-hundred percent sure I cannot."

Regulus laughed, glancing up from his Kindle. "And I'm one-hundred percent sure that he's just taking his time getting here to enjoy being away from you just a little bit longer."

Sirius froze. Is he right? What if Remus figured out over break that I am just ugly and horrible and obnoxious? What if he doesn't want to be around me anymore? What if—

"Sirius?"

Sirius jumped and whirled around. "Remus!" He tugged his sleeves down over his hands.

Remus reached out and brushed Sirius's face. "Hi. You're beautiful." Remus smiled. "I missed you."

Did he really? Is he just saying that? "I missed you too."

Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius and turned to talk to Regulus.

Regulus was right. He does hate me. He'll tell me later that everything he's said since he got here is a lie. I'm gross and loud and I'm not good enough. Sirius took a step away from Remus. "I'll go find us a compartment." He avoided looking at Remus, surely he'd see that Remus was relieved Sirius was finally going.

He ducked away, trying to avoid crashing into anyone. You're so stupid, Sirius. Thinking you'd actually have a chance with someone as amazing as Remus. He's perfect. You're… the opposite.

He walked through the train, searching for an empty compartment. Unsurprisingly, there weren't many. He found one near the back of the train. He stepped inside, pulled the door closed, and slumped onto a seat by the window, staring out at the ocean of people.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid Sirius." His voice scraped against his throat, all wrong. "Should've known."

The compartment door opened. "Sirius?" Remus closed the door and sat next to Sirius, close but not touching.

He's going to tell me he hates me, he'd be better off without me. I deserve it.

"Sirius, is everything okay?" Remus gently twisted a strand of Sirius's hair around his fingers. "Sweetheart, talk to me."

Sirius pressed closer to the window, pulling his hair out of Remus's grasp. He shook his head.

Remus was quiet. "Did I do something?"

Yes, no. It wasn't him. He was bound to figure it out sooner or later.

"No, I– It wasn't you," Sirius whispered. "Or maybe it was." Sirius curled into a ball, pressing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "It's not you, it's never you. It's always you. Never you."

"Oh, sweetheart, what is that head of yours telling you?"

"Do you hate me?" Sirius still couldn't look at Remus. "Did you finally figure out over the summer that I'm loud and ugly and gross and not good enough and–" Sirius's voice cracked and his list trailed off.

"What gave you that idea?"

"Regulus said that you didn't want to be around me, and…" there was no proof to back that up.

"And you spiraled." Remus sighed.

He's mad. I spiraled. Stupid stupid stupid.

"I'm sorry," Sirius mumbled, "that I think too much and you always have to tell me lies to make me feel better about myself."

"Look at me?"

Sirius winced. Remus's voice wasn't harsh. Remus was never harsh. Sirius twisted around.

Remus looked… Sad? "I'm not mad. And they're not lies. You really are… Merlin, Sirius, you're breathtaking. You're kind and fun. You can be loud, but you know when to be quiet. You are good enough."

Each compliment felt like a knife in Sirius's stomach. Remus meant well. He did. "Stop." Sirius tugged on his sleeves. "Don't tell me that."

"You need to hear it."

"No, no I don't." Tears filled Sirius's eyes. "I don't please don't."

Someone ran up to the compartment door and Sirius whirled around to face the window.

"There you are!" James said as he marched into the room. "I've been looking everywhere. Pads, you forgot your trunk."

Sirius let out a shaking breath and sat up, smiling. "Aw, I knew I forgot something."

He carefully avoided Remus's gaze, knowing if he looked at him, he'd just start crying again.

***

Sirius hated his uniform. It was tight and itchy.

Well, no, it wasn't. It was fit him perfectly and was actually incredibly soft. But right now? He could not wait to change out of it.

He pushed food around on his plate. He wasn't really that hungry. Besides, he couldn't stand the texture of… what was even on his plate? He looked up to stare out a window.

Dumbledore stood up to give a speech. The students were dismissed. A Prefect was guiding the first years. Someone wrapped a hand around his wrist. Walking, walking, walking. Now he was in the dorms.

Wait, when had he gotten to the dorms?

He blinked and shook his head slightly, trying to clear it. He glanced around the room, not really taking anything in. The other boys were talking, but it all just sounded like noise.

Someone called his name, but it was far away. The only thing he could hear now was his heartbeat in his ears. He couldn't breathe, the air in the dorm was hot, cold, hot, cold.

Sirius shivered and tried to stumble over to his bed. Everything was fine. He just needed to sleep. Just needed sleep. Sleep sleep sleep sleepsleepsleepsle—

His hands were shaking and it was getting progressively harder to control his breathing. He felt tears on his face.

And someone grabbed his wrist.

He crumpled to the ground, shaking and gasping.

Someone undid the tie around his neck. "Sirius? Hey, let's get this off you." They pressed one of his hands to their chest. "Breathe with me. In, out."

In, out. In, out. In out. In and out. In and out. Inand out. Inandout. Inandout. Inandoutinandout.

"Sirius, with me. In, one, two, three, four. Hold, one, two, three, four. Out, one, two, three, four. Hold, one, two, three, four."

One two three four, one two three four, one two three four, one two three four.

"There we go."

Sirius blinked, his mind clearing a bit. James was on the ground next to him. "James."

"Hey, Sirius. Let's get you some water and then you need to sleep." James started to back away, but Sirius grabbed onto his shirt.

"Don't leave."

James nodded and reached out to wrap an arm around Sirius. Sirius dropped his head onto James's shoulder.

"What was that?"

Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus standing by his bed, picking at the cover of the book he'd been reading.

"Panic attack," James said. "Regulus gets them, too."

"This happens regularly?"

Sirius closed his eyes. Yes it happened regularly. But He hadn't wanted Remus to know that. He hadn't wanted Remus to know they happened at all.

"Yeah. You didn't know?"

Remus didn't respond. Or maybe he did, just not out loud.

"Hey, Remus, why don't you stay with him while I get some water." James shifted a bit and Sirius opened his eyes and lifted his head off James's shoulder.

"Yeah, okay." James stood and Remus took his place. "Sirius, did you eat?"

Sirius shook his head. "Wasn't hungry."

"Are you hungry now?"

Another head shake.

"James, can you get him food?"

Sirius glanced at the door as James and Peter ducked out of the room. "I'm not hungry."

"I know. Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Sirius glanced away from Remus, not sure– not wanting to know– if there was anger or hurt in Remus's eyes. Maybe both.

"Sirius, you can talk to me." Remus gently turned Sirius's to face him. "Please talk to me."

"I– I'm sorry." Sirius stood up. "I'm sorry I–" He backed away from Remus. "Remus I can't do this." Sirius froze. "I can't put you through–" His voice cracked and he turned away from Remus. "I think–"

Remus wrinkled his nose and got to his feet. "Sirius, we've been friends for seven years. And we've been dating for almost six months. You've been very good at hiding all this, but you don't have to." He took Sirius's hands and spun him back around. "You hear me? You don't need to hide it anymore."

Sirius met Remus's gaze. His brown, gentle gaze, but now it was… Intense. Sirius wanted to look away. He didn't want all of Remus's emotions boring into his head. But something kept his eyes on Remus's.

"Sirius, you don't need to hide. You can talk to me." Remus trailed his fingers across Sirius's jaw. "I know you're scared. I know you're hurting. But I love you. And every day, every single day, I realize and re-realize how hopelessly in love with you I am. I want to do everything I can to make sure that you know you're loved." He rested his hands on either side of Sirius's face. "Even if you don't think you deserve it, even if you don't want it, I'm going to love you."

Sirius gasped and fell forward to bury his face in Remus's shoulder. "I know I know I'm sorry I lo--" He broke off into tears.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to say it back. I just needed to tell you." Remus wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius. "What can I do for you?"

Sirius shuddered. "You don't--"

"Sirius." Remus's voice held a bit of a warning.

Sirius took a shaking breath. "I don't know." He gripped Remus's sweater. "I don't know right now."

Remus ran his hand through Sirius's hair. "That's okay. But please talk to me, okay? Don't shut me out, don't push me away."

Sirius pulled away from Remus. "I-- I'm not good at-- letting people in. James is the only one I've been able to really--"

"It's okay. Hey, look at me." Remus tilted Sirius's chin up. "I just want to take care of you. If you can't tell me what's wrong, that's okay. Maybe we can get there some day."

"No, Remus, you deserve knowing why I close you out. No, you deserve not being closed out at all." Sirius backed away and sat down on his bed. "After everything you've done for me, you deserve that much and I can't even give it to you."

Remus sighed. "I think you need some sleep. And food." He sat down next to Sirius. "Why don't you go into the bathroom and get ready for bed. Get out of your uniform. Then you're going to eat whatever James and Peter bring back."

Sirius leaned sideways and rested his head on Remus's shoulder. "I'm not hungry."

Sirius's stomach growled, purely out of spite, Sirius was positive.

Remus laughed and pressed a kiss to Sirius's head. "Okay, sure. Go change out of that uniform."

"Can I wear one of your sweaters?"

"Sweetheart, you don't have to ask."

Sirius stood and wandered over to Remus's still-unpacked trunk. He would probably unpack some stuff tomorrow, but then just pull stuff out as needed. That's what Remus did every year.

He walked into the bathroom and flicked off the light.

***
-Seventh Year, October-
***

"Esteemed Marauders of Gryffindor Tower." James stood on his trunk that he'd dragged to the middle of the room. "And dearly beloved guest." He gestured to Regulus, who was reading on James's bed. "It has come to my attention that Halloween is swiftly approaching. And we have planned nothing. Nothing."

Sirius lifted his head off Remus's shoulder. "Correct you are, Prongs. And that is an unfortunate fact that must be amended.”

“Are you talking about a prank or a party?” Peter called. “Cause I’m cool with either.”

“I’m thinking prank,” Remus said. “The Ravenclaws always host the Halloween Party, we’re in charge of the random weekday parties.”

“A Halloween prank,” Sirius said. “What are we going to do?”

There was silence while everyone was thinking. Remus usually came up with some of the best prank ideas.

“I have an idea.” The comment came from Regulus. “If you’ll leave Pandora, Dorcas, and I out of it.” He swung his legs off of the bed and reached for his bag. “I’ve been working on a potion, but I have no plausible way of getting it into everyone’s drinks.”

“So it’s an experimental potion?” Remus asked. “Have you tested it?”

“On myself, Barty, and Evan, yes. And there is a reversal potion, but it wears off naturally after about 30 minutes.” He pulled out a notebook that was covered in stains and had 3 out of four corners singed off. He flipped to a page about halfway in and turned it around. “It turns the drinker transparent, almost like a ghost. I didn’t want to try and figure out a way to make the drinker completely ghost-like, with an ability to walk through walls and such, and put it in the same potion, but it might work for your purposes.”

“So it’s a bit like a half-way invisibility potion,” Peter said.

“Yeah, it is.” Regulus tucked the book back in his bag. “But I haven’t figured out how to extend it to clothes yet.”

“That sounds like a plan.” Sirius clapped his hands together twice. “Peter, let’s get to writing this out. James, don’t lose the map. Remus, you start doing your genius actual-planning thing.”

“And what are you going to do?” Regulus asked.

Sirius shrugged. “Moral support?”

“Sirius carries out a lot of the actual doing the prank because he’s very good at not being caught.” Peter said, pulling paper and a pencil out of his school bag. “James trips over loose stones, the cloak, his own feet, air… Remus stays out of these types of pranks because if he gets caught the teachers are going to start to suspect him, he gets potion ingredients and books for the pranks. Sirius and I usually are the ones who actually set up the pranks.”

“Regulus, can I see your notebook?” Remus asked. “I want to see how this potion actually works.”

Regulus tossed the book to Remus. “Blue tab labeled “G”, don’t look at anything else.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Remus flipped the notebook open and studied the page. “Okay, so here’s the plan—”

***
-Seventh Year, Halloween-
***

Sirius sat down at the Halloween feast after he and Peter had spiked all the drinks. There hadn’t been a way to keep any drinks from being spiked, so the people who were part of the prank or knew and wanted to be left out, knew not to drink anything.

The problem then arose that any drink that was spiked with this stuff smelled faintly of cinnamon. Which wasn’t a problem for some of the drinks, but if someone was just having water? They’d figure it out instantly.

Fortunately, a lot of people did not drink water.

The first startled shout echoed across the hall.

Sirius grinned and picked up his glass.

“Are you actually going to drink that, beautiful?” Remus asked in a low voice.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not gonna hurt me. Or turn my hair an odd color.” He shrugged and downed about half the cup. “Come on, it’ll be fun! Besides, it’ll get everyone off our backs.” He grinned. “However, Regulus, Dorcas, and Pandora would probably get blamed, since they’re not drinking.”

Remus picked up his glass. “You’re right.” He tapped his cup against Sirius's. “Cheers.”

Sirius smiled. “Cheers.”

***
-Seventh Year, December-
***

Sirius loved the snow. And the cold. And winter time in general. Especially the huge patches of fresh snow where he could just fall backwards and look up at the sky.

He had a free period right now, but none of the other Marauders did. And it was snowing. A lot. He put layers of clothes on and trekked out to behind the greenhouses, where no one ever went.

Today, the snow was close to a foot and a half thick, so when he fell backwards into it, he was buried. He looked up into the thick gray clouds and watched the snow fall. If he stayed here long enough, the snow might cover him completely.

How mad would Remus be if I skipped History?

He pulled his scarf over his face and closed his eyes.

After a while, he heard footsteps crunching in the snow. He lifted his arm so whoever it was knew he was there and didn’t step on him.

The person stopped right next to him. “Hi, beautiful. Are you coming to History?”

Remus.

Sirius pulled his scarf off his face and looked up at Remus. “I don’t know.”

“You’re going to freeze if you stay out here.” Remus sat down next to him. “What are you doing?”

“I’m waiting for the snow to bury me.” Sirius closed his eyes again. “It’s peaceful out here.”

Remus was quiet for a moment. “Are you warm enough?”

“Yeah. I’ve got maybe eight layers on.” He opened his eyes and turned his head towards Remus. “But you don’t, you’re probably freezing.”

Remus nodded. “It’s a little cold, but I’m really not going to be out here long.”

“Please don’t freeze. I like you too much.”

Remus laughed and stood up. “Hang on, I’ll be back in a bit.”

Sirius waved and pulled his scarf back over his mouth and nose, but left his eyes uncovered so he could stare up at the still-falling snow. Several minutes later, Remus was back, now wearing several layers.

“Can I stay out here with you?”

Sirius sat up and stared at Remus. “Remus Lupin skipping class?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, I do it all the time!”

“No, I remember you saying ‘this year I need to focus on studying. None of you can talk me into skipping class this year,’” Sirius said. “What happened to that?”

“Oh, so I can’t spend time with you now?” Remus sat down next to Sirius. “Cause I really want to spend time with my adorable boyfriend and make sure he doesn’t freeze to death.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Remus shook his head. “Do you want to be alone, or can I stay?”

“You can stay.”

Remus smiled. “Thank you.”

Sirius studied Remus's face. Does he actually want to spend time with me? What if he’s just faking it as… I don’t know, a prank. He’s good at— He shook his head a bit. Do you even hear yourself? It’s fine. He lo— Doesn’t hate you. It’s fine. Sirius reached out and took Remus's hand and moved closer to him. “I— I really hope we don’t fail history because we’re skipping.” He leaned his head on Remus's shoulder.

Remus rested his head on Sirius's. “It’ll be fine. You’re brilliant, you could skip every class and still pass with all Os.”

“You’re a genius, and I’m brilliant. With our combined intelligence, we’ll be fine.”

A comfortable silence fell. They watched the snow pile up until Sirius shivered.

Remus studied Sirius. “You’re cold.”

“Little bit.” Sirius shrugged. “Don’t mind.”

“My entire purpose for being out here is to make sure you don’t freeze,” Remus said, standing up and holding out a hand for Sirius to grab. “Let’s go in and I’ll make you hot chocolate.”

Sirius took Remus's hand and got to his feet. “Class is still going.”

“Yeah, but not for much longer.”

They walked back to the castle. Sirius didn’t want to go back in just yet, enjoying the fact that he could wear enough layers that it didn’t even look like he had a body, but he was cold. And Remus made the best hot chocolate. He probably would have stayed out until he was almost frozen, if not for Remus.

Remus pushed the back door to the kitchens open and held it open for Sirius. They were immediately greeted by a bunch of house elves.

“Hi, we’re just here to use the stove,” Remus said, looking around the kitchen for a saucepan. He found one and turned to look for the ingredients, which were spread out on the island behind him.

Sirius sat down in a chair at the island. “I’ve never asked, where did you learn to make hot chocolate? You make it the best.”

Remus mixed together the ingredients in the saucepan. “My Mum taught me.” He put it on the stove and left it to heat up. “We used to go sledding and she’d make it for me afterwards.”

Sirius rested his chin on his hand. “And you just haven’t forgotten the recipe?”

“Don’t think I could even if I wanted to.” He sat down across from Sirius. “And I don’t want to.”

“How do you know when it’s done?”

“When it starts steaming.” He paused. “Or you can stick your finger in like James did once. Accidentally, of course.”

Sirius burst out laughing. “How do you accidentally put your finger in a pot of boiling liquid?”

Remus grinned. “I have no idea, but leave it to James to figure it out.” He glanced behind him at the saucepan. “I wonder if they have marshmallows.” He got up and went to ask a house elf.

It turns out they did. And when Remus poured the hot chocolate into mugs, he put several tiny marshmallows into each. He put one mug in front of Sirius and sat down across from him again.

Sirius picked up his mug and watched Remus for a moment. “You’re amazing.”

Remus looked at Sirius. “What brought that up?”

“I– I don’t know. Just thought you should know.”

“You’re amazing, too.” Remus tilted his head. “Really amazing.”

“Yeah?” Sirius set his mug down. “ Well you’re marvelous.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “You’re incredible.”

“Astonishing.”

“Spectacular.”

“Stupendous.”

“Breathtaking.”

Sirius laughed. “Remus I could do this all day.”

“Oh yeah?” Remus reached out and brushed a bit of chocolate from Sirius's lip. “So could I.”

Sirius felt his heartbeat pick up. “I know you could. Because you’re extraordinary.”

Remus shook his head. “Finish your hot chocolate.”

Sirius beamed triumphantly and went back to drinking his hot chocolate. He expected Remus to be quiet until he’d finished his, but he was wrong.

“You’re perfect,” Remus said.

Sirius looked up. “That’s not a synonym of amazing.”

“No, but it describes you just right.” A pause. “You’re perfect just the way you are.”