You're Perfect

Sirius Black didn't think he was attractive. He didn't think he was pretty or hot or handsome and he most certainly didn't think he was beautiful.

This sounds odd for multiple reasons. A) Sirius Black is one of the most beautiful people at Hogwarts and B) Everyone thinks he knows it.

He walked into Hogwarts first year with almost no self-confidence. When he met James, he reflected his ego, the one stoked by his parents.

Despite being the heir to The Ancient and Noble House of Black, he was neglected by his family. Both immediate and extended. Never once being told how handsome he looked in his fancy clothes. Ignored at any party or gala. Instead his younger sister got all the praise. How pretty she looked in her dress, how nice her hair was.

Sirius never resented her for it. He couldn't. Until he cut all her hair off while she was sleeping when he was eight and she was seven. He thought maybe if her hair was short and choppy, she wouldn't get complimented on it. She walked into his room the next morning and gave him a huge hug, saying she liked it so much better short.

Regulus figured out he wasn't a girl about that time. His parents accepted it. Because hey, backup.

Sirius wondered if maybe he'd get told he was pretty now that they were both boys.

No. Not once was he told he was beautiful.

First year he realized that he was supposed to think he was pretty. So he quickly reflected James's high self-esteem, but magnified.

Hence, people started thinking he knew he was beautiful.

Which means, not only did he become a popular target for bullies, but his friends thought it was okay to jokingly call him ugly, or unattractive.

No one knew he didn't like his appearance until sixth year.

***
-Sixth Year, November-
***

"I don't understand why you don't ask him out." James said, leaping from his bed to Sirius's. "He'd obviously say yes."

Sirius rolled his eyes. They were talking about Sirius' crush on Remus, one he'd only recently realized he had. "Yeah, right." Sirius sighed and flopped backward on the bed. "Just… He's so pretty. I might literally die if he says no."

"Am I not enough for you?" James clutched his chest dramatically and fell on top of Sirius.

Sirius laughed and shoved James off his chest. "Aww, you know you're always enough."

James grinned and sat up. "But let's be serious."

"I'm always--"

"You know what I mean!" James grabbed one of Sirius's pillows and whacked him in the face. "You should ask him out."

"He'd reject me. I don't have a chance with him." Sirius covered his eyes with his arm.

"The fuck you mean you don't have a chance?" James scoffed. "He's head over heels for you."

"Uh, have you seen me?" Sirius said. "I'm about as attractive as the giant squid. He wouldn't want someone like me."

James was quiet for a moment. "What?"

Sirius looked up at James. "What what?"

"I'm hearing things. I must be." James tilted his head. "Did you just compare yourself to the giant squid?"

Sirius ran back through the conversation for the last few minutes, before huffing and covering his eyes again. "Forget I said that."

"No, no. That's something that should be talked about." James pulled Sirius's arm away from his eyes. "You do realize you might be one of the most attractive people in Hogwarts, right?"

Sirius laughed. "Okay, James, let's be real."

"I am. You're gorgeous, Sirius."

Sirius huffed, slightly uncomfortable with the random praise. "Let's talk about something else. Like that potions essay."

James crossed his arms, but thankfully dropped the topic.

***

"He's just so fucking beautiful Lily!"

Sirius froze with his hand on the doorknob when he heard Remus's voice in the dorm. He'd been about to go in after Quidditch, but he wanted to know who Remus was talking about. He knew eavesdropping was wrong, but he couldn't stop.

"I know, Remus." Lily's voice said. She sounded slightly exasperated like this was a conversation they'd been having for a while. "You keep telling me. In fact, this is the third time in the past hour." She paused. "Why don't you just ask him out?"

"He doesn't like me like that." Remus replied. "I'm going to die."

Sirius felt his stomach twist. Why couldn't Remus talk about him like that. He pushed open the door. Remus and Lily were sitting on Remus's bed.

"Hey, Sirius!" Lily beamed. "How was practice? Is James going to be up soon?"

"Hey, Lily!" Sirius tried to match her enthusiasm. "James was still flying around the pitch, but the Slytherins were booked after us, so he'll probably be up soon." He grabbed some of his clothes, well, truthfully they were James's. He liked wearing James's clothes because they were too big for him, so they hung off his body. Sirius's own clothes were always perfectly tailored. He hated it.

"I'll just head out to the pitch and hope I meet him on the way." Lily hopped up and headed out of the dorm.

Sirius gave Remus a weak smile before spinning around and marching into the bathroom. He caught sight of himself in the mirror briefly before flicking off the lights.

***
-Sixth Year, February-
***

Gryffindorks +5

Lilith
I was thinkkkkking…
(6:07)

Rem
Uh oh.
Lily, thinking?
This can only end badly.
(6:08)

Pete
You say that as if you didn't come up with whatever idea she had with her.
(6:08)

Jamie
He's got a point.
You two rarely come up with ideas without consulting each other.
Minus pranks.
(6:10)

Pandabear
Actually, she was with me and Mary!
(6:11)

Serious
What's your idea, Lilith?
(6:12)

Lilith
Party.
(6:13)

Jamie
What's wrong?
You never suggest parties.
Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?
(6:15)

Lilith
Mary stole my phone!
Parties are a bad idea!
We are in SCHOOL!
(6:16)

Serious
Party tonight.
All of you are invited.
Grab as many people as possible.
Except for the bad ones.
Gryffindor common room. 10pm.
Marls, can you get the alcohol?
(6:18)

Lilith
NONONONONONONO!
(6:19)

Marls
You know it!
(6:19)

Evan
We'll all be there.
(6:20)

Dork
We're leaving at midnight though.
(6:21)

Bartholomew
Aw, you're no fun.
(6:22)

***

Sirius shut his phone off and pressed his head to the wall. This meant he was going to have to stare at himself for hours trying to get his make-up right.

Well, it was going to be more like 30 minutes. But it always felt like hours.

Someone knocked on the door. "Lily's really mad at you now." Remus said. "You're going to have to apologize."

Sirius took a deep breath. "For throwing a party?"

"For throwing a party that starts at ten on a weekday."

Sirius pulled his shirt on and flicked on the light. "What did she expect? She put the idea in my mind." He flung the door open, grinning.

"Mary did. Mary took Lily's phone."

"Technicalities." Sirius waved his hand. "The text said 'Lilith' therefore, in my mind, it's Lily."

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius walked past him to his wardrobe. "You're going, right?" Sirius asked. He pulled out a crop top and a pair of black jeans. Plus his oversized leather jacket.

"Do I have a choice?" Remus said, sitting back down on his bed.

"I mean of course you have a choice." Sirius threw the clothes on his bed. He'd change later.

"I'm going."

Sirius turned and smiled at Remus. "Good."

***

Sirius finished up his eyeliner and put everything away. He studied himself in the mirror, making sure everything was even. He didn't ever feel quite as ugly with make-up on.

His clothes however…

He shook his head and stepped back, checking what he could see of his outfit in the mirror above the sink. Awful. What the hell was I thinking. I look like—

"Padfoot?" James knocked on the door. "Party starts in ten minutes. Marls and Dorcas just got here with the alcohol."

Sirius shook his head. Fake it til you make it, Sirius. He pulled the door open. "Ready!" He skipped past James and sat on his bed to pull on his combat boots. "Where's Remus?"

"Already went down. Regulus got here early and wanted to talk with him."

Sirius nodded and walked over to the door to the dorm. "I'm headed down. See you later, Prongs!"

***

Sirius didn't drink. It was a school night and he wasn't stupid. It seemed several other people had the same idea.

The party actually wasn't all that big. Which was really nice. Obviously he, Remus, James and Peter were there. Mary, Lily, and Pandora were curled up together on the couch, talking. Marlene, Dorcas, Evan, Barty, and Regulus were all talking in a corner. Well, Marlene and Dorcas seemed to be talking to each other more than the other three. So that was the main group. The only people who seemed to be drinking from the group were Marlene, Dorcas, Evan, and Barty.

Beyond that, there might have been a dozen Ravenclaws and a few Hufflepuffs. No other Slytherins. He wasn't sure how many of them had chosen to drink.

Sirius was pretty sure if he'd been drinking he would not have been noticing this much.

"Sirius."

Sirius whirled around, suddenly in attack mode, although he wasn't sure why. He relaxed when he saw Remus's smile.
"Moony! You having fun?" Sirius beamed.

Remus nodded. "Can I talk to you?" He cleared his throat. "Like, alone?"

Sirius wasn't sure if his stomach had twisted into a knot or if it was a swarm of butterflies. "Oh, yeah sure."

They went up to the dorm and Remus almost immediately started pacing.

"What's wrong?" Sirius said, twisting his fingers together.

Remus shook his head. "It's- Ugh. It's not like there's anything wrong. I just… I need to tell you something." He sat down on his bed and buried his face in his hands. "I'm in love with you."

Sirius laughed. Then clapped a hand over his mouth. "Sorry, that was rude. It's just…" He giggled. "Me? Really? Why?" He crossed his arms. "You could do so much better."

Remus looked up at Sirius with a puzzled expression. "Excuse me?"

"Look, I'm a little in love with you too, so you're not sitting there wondering but I'm just saying." Sirius spread his arms out. "Reconsider."

"I'm not following." Remus stood up. "Why wouldn't I be in love with you. You're smart and funny. Not to mention you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

Sirius laughed again. "Okay, look at me, actually." He gestured up and down his body and face. "And try and say that with a straight face." There's no way he could be telling the truth. Who put him up to this? This actually wasn't funny. But laughing was easier than crying.

"You… You don't know?" Remus blinked. "Merlin, you don't know." He studied Sirius. "How long have you thought you were unattractive?"

"Never thought I was, Moony." Sirius crossed his arms. "When you grow up in a household like mine, you learn to copy behaviors and mannerisms. So that's what I did. I copied James's ego because I thought I was supposed to." He zipped up his jacket. He wasn't going back down anytime soon. "And I cemented myself in the school as confident." He shrugged. "Too late to go back."

"Surely you have to realize you're pretty."

"I can't even look at myself in the mirror." Sirius said. "Besides, everyone in the friend group knows it, don't they? They always tell me–"

Remus looked horrified. "Sirius, they're joking with you. You think they were actually telling you…"

Sirius huffed and turned away. "Well what would you think, growing up with a family who always praised your little brother and never said anything to you beyond 'your shirt is wrinkled.'" He unzipped his jacket. "I'm sorry to ruin your love confession, but I'm going back to the party." He walked out of the dorm.

***
-Sixth Year, March-
***

It took two weeks for Remus to bring up their conversation. Sirius was starting to wonder if he'd forgotten. He was actually starting to hope.

Until Remus cornered him in the dorm.

"Moony, I'm going to be late for class." Sirius folded his arms across his chest.

"Sirius, do you remember our conversation at the party or were you drunk?"

"I didn't drink. It was a school night." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid."

Remus nodded slowly. "Then you remember?"

"That you told me you loved me, I said it back, and then confessed my darkest secret to you?" Sirius tilted his head. "Yeah, I remember. I'm going to be late. Can we talk after I get back?"

"No, because this is important and you'll just avoid me later."

Sirius huffed. "Fine, Remus. Talk."

"You're beautiful."

Sirius dropped his arms to his sides. "Okay, conversation over." He started towards the door but Remus put a hand on Sirius's chest.

"Conversation not over. I'm not going to mention that again. And you're not going to mention it either. I want you to know that I'm going to be telling you that every time I see you."

"Can you not?" Sirius said, twisting his fingers together. "It makes me uncomfortable."

Remus shook his head. "I'm going to tell you until you believe it, but that's not the point. I'm in love with you." Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Remus held up a finger. "I'm not done. I'm in love with you, and I'm hoping you still like me. Because I would like to take you on a date."

Sirius's gaze dropped to the floor. "I still like you." He mumbled. "But have you thought about reconsidering liking me?"

"No," Remus said. "Just because you don't believe you deserve love, doesn't mean you don't. Now how about it? Would you like to go out with me?"

Sirius looked up into Remus's gorgeous brown eyes. "Yes."

***

"Hey, Sirius." Remus said as Sirius walked out of the dorm. "You're beautiful. Are you ready for our date?"

Sirius almost winced at the compliment. "Of course."

Sirius was surprised when Remus led him to an abandoned classroom. He wasn't complaining. He just thought Remus would want to go somewhere… Bigger.

Remus opened the door to reveal a picnic. Indoors.

"I figured you didn’t want to go somewhere with…" Remus paused. "People."

Sirius flung his arms around Remus's neck. "Thank you. It's perfect."

***
-Sixth Year, May-
***

"Who the fuck decided exams were a good idea?" Sirius sat down at the table for lunch and leaned his head on Remus's shoulder.

"Hey, Sirius." Remus pressed a kiss into Sirius's hair. "You're beautiful."

Sirius smiled a bit. He was starting to not entirely hate the compliments. Although there was still a twist in his stomach and a voice in his head.

"Try taking a Divination O.W.L." Regulus said, sitting down across the table next to James, who turned to press a kiss to Regulus's cheek.

"Ugh, I took Divination in third year." Sirius said. "Dropped it after three classes."

"I'm only staying for Pandora." Regulus picked at the food on his plate and then put his fork down. "I can't even eat, I'm so stressed."

"You're going to do great." James moved a bit closer to Regulus so that they were pressed up against each other.
Regulus dropped his head onto James's shoulder and closed his eyes.

Sirius smiled. Regulus really did love James, and James loved Regulus. In the beginning Sirius had been absolutely disgusted by the whole thing, but it was really kind of sweet. And Sirius couldn't think of anyone better for Regulus.

About ten minutes later, Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus's cheek and stood up. "I'm going to class."

"Okay, love." Remus looked at him. "You're beautiful."

Sirius shook his head. "I thought you were only going to say that when we first saw each other."

Remus stood up and twined his and Sirius's fingers together. "That wasn't a reminder," Remus mumbled into Sirius's ear. "That was me re-realizing how gorgeous you are." He pressed a kiss to Sirius's lips. "You're perfect."