Chapter 3
Remus sat in a companionable silence with Minerva, drinking tea and eating custard creams until the clock struck 11pm. He hadn't noticed the time passing, his head someplace else. Unbeknownst to him Minerva never took her worried eyes off of him, a hint of maternal concern shining through those normally oh-so-stern eyes.
“Minnie, I can’t go back to him. Not this time. I just can’t do this to myself again,” Remus eventually said, lifting his head off of the wooden table Minerva was half sure he had fallen asleep on.
“You know you can stay here as long as you need to darling, the guest room is set up for you and you can take tomorrow off of work,” Minnie responded, voice softer than he’d ever heard from the usually strict and composed woman.
Remus thanked her and slowly made his way up to the spare room following Minnie's instructions to turn left up the stairs. It had cream walls with small, hand painted safari animals and the name Charlotte written in what could only be a calligraphers writing across the middle of one wall. A changing table lay unused in one corner and a small double bed with a hand sewn quilt covering it was in the other. His heart sank further as he realised all that his mentor had been through, a new found respect forming in his lower gut. He didn't bother to think about getting changed or what he would do come tomorrow morning. Knowing he had a place to stay for now, he collapsed onto the bed.
‘I can't stay here forever’ he thought to himself. Tomorrow's problem, that was tomorrow's problem. As darkness began to envelop the room around him, his eyes closing in an attempt to sleep he felt small drops of water prickle at his eyes. He let out a muffled sob into the pillow and - for the first time in years- let himself cry, for as long as he needed, soaking the pillow entirely until at last, he fell asleep.
The next morning Remus awoke with a start as he looked around the room confused as to where he was, before eventually realising the events of the previous day. His stomach growled as he realised he hadn’t eaten a proper meal since lunch the day before, it wouldn’t be the first time he had gone to sleep on an empty stomach, but he usually preferred to have something to prevent the fainting spells he often got as he tried to stand. Leaning heavily on his stick Remus made his way back to the kitchen and set about making a cup of coffee. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry when not even five minutes after entering the kitchen himself, he saw his nurse Poppy Pomfrey come out of Minnies bedroom, looking the picture of comfort in her floral dressing gown and slippers.
“Good Morning, Remus” the kind lady greeted him, before adding “close your mouth or you’ll catch a fly”, prompting Remus to realise his jaw had dropped at the sight of his nurse.
“Ummm, what are you doing here Poppy, I thought you lived with your husband?” Remus asked, confusion clear in his voice.
“Remus dear, I think you’ll find I used the term partner. Minerva and I have been dating since university, we were married the day gay marriage was legalised in the UK, although we had been living together almost 20 years at that point.” Poppy replied. Remus felt guilt pool in his stomach- why had he assumed? It's not like he was particularly straight. He was scared he had offended his nurse and that emotion lay very evident on his face. Poppy immediately sensed it, she didn't mind at all but she also knew that sayin’ it was okay’ wasn't going to stop Remus from feeling guilty, that's just the kind of person he was, too caring for his own good. Instead she changed the subject “ The real question is, Mr Lupin, what are you doing in my kitchen?”
“Well, me and Sirius had a fight,” Remus began, voice breaking as he began to cry, “and Minnie was the only person I could call-”
“Oh love, I’m so glad you did”, Poppy said embracing Remus in her warm arms, he had always believed she gave the best hugs, after his mam had died it was the closest thing he could get to what her hugs had felt like and he always wanted to melt into their safe embrace. “Do you want to tell me what happened deary,” Poppy murmured, loosening her embrace to be able to look Remus in the eye.
Through intermittent tears Remus explained the events of the day before to the woman, who nodded encouragingly and let him speak and until he had finished recounting.
While internally Poppy was enraged at what the man claiming to be Remus’ boyfriend had done, she worked hard to keep up the mask she had built up over the years to prevent any of her emotions about the situation showing on her face. If there was one thing she had learnt through her many years experience, it was to not let your own emotions impact how patients felt. Especially with Remus, he had seemed so ashamed of his condition when he first came in and in an attempt to show her sympathy Poppy had eyed him with concern the entire time. As he left that first day she noticed that he looked more guilty than he had when he came in. “If it's too much trouble I can care for it myself” that's what she recalled him saying right before leaving and it had imprinted into the woman's memory. From then on she made a point of being blank with her expressions. That is unless a situation called for the comfort that her eyes seemed to radiate whenever she allowed them.
Fearing he had bothered her too much, Remus slowly stood up.
“Thank you” he managed as looked towards the front door. “ I'm going to go out for a bit”
“Of course dearie, you need to clear your head, I understand”
Remus only nodded in response as he left to go on a walk. As the door shut behind him Minnie walked into the kitchen and put her arm around her love.
“I'm worried about that boy, I've worked with him too long to not know when he's struggling,” poppy paused to turn to her wife, “and he never admits he needs help, and considering he's here, he just did Mins,”
“I know love” Minnie said as she placed a kiss to her wife's cheek, “I worried too.”
Shutting the door Remus fought with all the strength he had to not crumple to his knees. This was too much. He shouldn't have left, yes, Sirius was a dick but it's not like he can stay with Minnie and Poppy forever, it would be an intrusion on them. Yet he couldn't go back to Sirius. He just needed to get away. Wales was his first thought. His family owned a small house there so he wouldn't have to pay rent, but wouldn't that be burdening them aswell? Besides, his mother had always supported him to venture to ‘ the big city’ to try to get a degree and a good job. He hadn't had the heart to tell her he couldn't afford to finish his degree because the cost of his specialist care had been too much. She would have tried to help him no matter what, he couldn't have that, he needed her to feel secure and be able to keep her money for herself. Staying in that house without her wouldn't feel right. Not after all these years of him being away. He hadn't been there when his mum died, and his scarce money meant that he hadn't even been able to help pay for her funeral. The newly rediscovered guilt ate at his insides. Not Wales. He couldn't rely on his family yet again, not when he was unable to help them when they needed him. But then where?
Remus became suddenly aware that his legs had taken him farther from Minnie's house than he had realised. When had he even started walking? He wasn't sure. He walked past a series of shops, one, a housing company boasted their low prices in the window. Remus stopped to look at the cost and his heart sank.
‘Oh god’ he thought to himself, the numbers much higher than when he had last checked. Not buying a house then. He kept walking until the pain in his legs was more than he could bare. Sitting down on a park bench, he threw his head back towards the sky, wishing the sun would explode and consume him whole. He closed his eyes to stop the burning light. Though hours passed, Remus didn't move, instead he stayed seated in that same spot, thoughts racing.
“Excuse me,”
A voice broke his train of thought. He sat up. How much time had passed?
“The park is closing now I'm afraid you have to leave”
“Oh right sorry, I'll go”
“Fell asleep?” The young park warden asked him with a light smile on her face.
“Something like that” Remus muttered as he got up. Fuck his knee burned. He winced but managed to return the lady a friendly albeit tired smile, “sorry again” he said as he started to leave.
“Do you have somewhere to go?”
His head turned back around,
“There's a shelter just down the street if you're in need of it, I don't normally assume, but most people don't stay at parks alone this late unless they need someplace to go”
“Right” Remus replied “ thanks, but I'm fine.”
Was he though? As he made his way back to Minnies house past closed businesses and family houses, he wondered if things could ever be fine. That lady at the park had such evident pity in her eyes, though he was sure she had good intentions it did seem strange for her to assume he was homeless based on his looks. Wait. Not his clothes, she hadn't paid any particular attention to his clothes. Ah it made sense, his brace and his crutch. People always seemed to think that it was some kind of giveaway of his struggles. He hated it. Remus hated it. Why did people associate his disability with an inability to provide for himself. People could be homeless for all sorts of reasons, poverty, being kicked out or running away from your home -Sirius had personal experience with that one- illness, addiction the list went on. Still the lady had only wanted to help Remus, and he supposed she was right. He did need to find someplace to stay, maybe a shelter would be best for him, Remus didn't know. He didn't know anything anymore.
As he returned to Minnie's house, he was greeted by a dinner prepared by Poppy. As Remus ate, he thought over his options. God he had been so stupid. He had no choice, he had to say sorry to Sirius. He would do it tomorrow, at work. It was his only chance at getting his life together.
And God knows he he hated himself for it.