The Great War

James loves. That’s what he does. He loves and loves and loves, because that’s all he can really do. How else is he supposed to make everyone feel better? All of his friends have some sort of trauma, he needs to make them feel better. He needs to care for them, let them know they are loved. It’s what James Potter does.

James Potter is the sun. He warms everything he sees, everything he touches. He brings light to the world. He loves proudly, he cares. He is gentle. He brings happiness to everyone around.

He lets his friends know how much he loves them. How much he cares. How he will always be there.

Because what else can he do?

James Potter had a perfect life. He was an only child, with extremely loving parents. They taught him everything he knows. His whole life was like a fantasy. It was filled with nothing but love and happiness.

Sometimes he doesn’t feel happy. Sometimes, he feels like he is covered by clouds, making everything gloomy and gray. Like the air is stuffy. Like he is suffocating.

But what is James Potter without his warm, bright love? What is James Potter without being the sun?

He doesn’t have any reason to be sad. He has a loving family, loving friends, good grades, everything anyone could ever want. So why does he feel sad?

It's not all of the time. Most days, he is happy. He feels awesome. Amazing, even. But some days, he just feels sad. Tired. Like he just wants to curl in his bed and hide away from the world. He just feels so tired and worn, like he just wants to stop. To stop trying so hard, to stop giving everything he has, to stop loving with every single fiber of his body.

But that’s all he knows how to do.

James Potter is the sun. Warm, bright, loving, gentle, happy. He is the exact depiction of the sun to anyone you could ask.

Sometimes, the sun is covered by clouds.

James remembers first meeting Sirius. The first thing he noticed was how excited he was. The boy with the bouncy black curls, bouncing as he awaited to meet everyone, get his room, and really everything.

James was nervous. All these new people, he had to please them all. He had to love them all.

James and Sirius got very close, very fast. Before they even got their room assignment, they were talking. Sirius never mentioned anything about his family, home life, or really anything. He just talked about how excited he was, and how he wanted to learn about James. James did that. He talked about how great his parents were, how he didn’t have a sibling, how great everything was.

Sirius smiled, and looked longingly at him. James could tell that something was wrong, something that Sirius probably didn’t feel comfortable with sharing. And that was okay. He could take his time, James would wait.

Sirius was ecstatic when he found out he and James were in the same room. James was happy, he at least would know someone there.

That’s when they met Remus and Peter. They all got along so well. They all clicked immediately. Despite how different they all were, they fit together perfectly.

James felt okay here. It was comfortable, he felt welcomed. Like he belonged.

He soon learned about Sirius’ parents. How messed up his home life was. All of their stupid beliefs and rules. James felt so bad. He wanted to shower Sirius with all his love, love him with every little fiber in his body.

He would hold Sirius when he would come to his bed crying. He would hold him, running his fingers through his hair, whispering in his ear. He would love Sirius, since his parents wouldn’t.

Sirius never mentioned a brother. He called James his brother. James assumed he was an only child. So it came as a shock to everyone, especially James, when Sirius said that he did.

“Regulus Black, Slytherin.” The headmaster says stoically, in the same boring but loud announcing voice he uses.

“Is that your cousin or something?” James asks curiously, that first day of their second year. All four of them were sitting together, just like they always do.

“He’s my brother.” Sirius had said, glaring at the boy as he walked to the Slytherin table. He sounded so cold, like he was pissed.

“You never mentioned a brother before.” Peter says, voice soft like he is choosing his words carefully.

“Must have slipped my mind.” His voice is a little harsh. James knows a brother wouldn’t have just slipped his mind.

James looks over at the small boy, seated at the table on the other side of the hall. He was looking at Sirius. He looked so lost. Sirius just glared back. James felt a little sorry for Regulus. He was just a child. He was sorted somewhere else, so what? What did it really matter? Sirius looked at the poor boy like he hated him with everything. Regulus looked like a million different thoughts were swirling in his mind. He was fidgeting with the rings adorning his fingers. James wondered if it was an anxious habit.

He knew, then, watching the boy with the anxious habits and longing stare, that he needed to help him.

He would help Regulus Black. Because that’s what James does. He warms people, he makes them happy, he brightens their day.

Because he is the sun.

Being friends with Regulus Black was extremely difficult. It would be classified as impossible for anyone who wasn’t James Potter. Because James doesn’t quit.

He constantly talked to Regulus, whenever he could. For some reason, Regulus wanted nothing to do with him. James didn’t get it. What was so bad about being his friend?

Apparently Regulus had already taken a burning hatred to James before they ever even met. The very first time James had ever tried to talk to him, he simply said “Fuck off.” And walked away. Great first conversation.

James tried countless times to be friends with Regulus, but Regulus wanted nothing to do with him. The longest conversation they had was the time James gave Regulus his number. Despite everything Regulus does, James still cares. He knows their home life is bad, he is best friends with Sirius. He has heard the stories. The horror stories of what goes on in that house. He worries about both boys so much. He can’t help but notice how differently it affects the two boys. Regulus is quiet, defensive, closed off. He hides behind a mask of indifference, acting cold and emotionless. Sirius is loud, rebellious, he fights for what he wants. He leans on people for support, he opens up about his feelings.

Sirius always talks badly about Regulus. James doesn’t get it. He is just a child, who clearly has anxiety, and possibly other problems. Sirius always says that he is a mama’s boy, that he follows what they believe in. James looks at Regulus, and he just can’t believe that. He sees more in the younger boy. He sees a boy who is afraid, who has been traumatized, who has been affected differently than Sirius. James can’t help but feel Sirius is blind to this. Blinded by hatred, blinded by his desire to be different.

The only things James knows about Regulus are the things Sirius says, and the things he assumes based on what he has seen. Like how he assumes Regulus has developed anxiety and probably mental problems from his home. Sirius hasn’t told him much. He says that Regulus stands by and watches when Sirius is punished. James assumes it’s because he is scared, and wants to be safe. Sirius says he believes the things their parents believe. James assumes he just acts like it to stay out of trouble. Sirius says he is the golden child. James finds that hard to believe. The way that Regulus stays in the shadows at school, how he never talks unless he is with his small group of friends, how he keeps to himself. James thinks he is just trying to stay out of the way and stay safe.

Regulus acts like he wants nothing to do with James. James thinks he is just scared. He sometimes sees the quick glances that Regulus takes.

James gave Regulus his number. If things ever got to be too much. If he needed something, anything. If he decided he wanted to be friends.

And then he stopped. He stopped constantly nagging Regulus. He stopped talking to him at any possible moment. He left the boy be.

He was probably being too much. He was probably making Regulus’ life more stressful. His friends are always telling him he is too loud, that he has too much energy, that he needs to calm down.

So James will stop. He will stop annoying Regulus. He will leave him be. Sirius doesn’t like James talking to him anyway. Says it’s betrayal. That Regulus is just some kid who is just like their parents, and that he doesn’t deserve James’ time.

James wishes things were different. That Regulus and Sirius got along. That Regulus would be James’ friend. That he could help both of them. That he could get them out.

But James can’t get everything he wants. It doesn’t work like that. Not everything is a perfect happy ending. But he tries his best, because he is the sun. And the sun makes people happy.

So he will do just that.

Because James Potter is anything but a quitter.

“I can’t take him anymore James! He just stands there, and watches! He fucking watches! He doesn’t even flinch! He stands and watches like I deserve it!” Sirius was screaming about Regulus again. James wondered if Regulus could hear. If he could hear Sirius yelling about him through the walls.

James tried to forget about his worry for Regulus. He really did. But it’s hard when your best friend is his brother, who never stops talking about him. And the way Regulus looks worse every time the two brothers come back from that home.

James wondered if Regulus was scared like he was all those years ago. He wouldn’t know. Regulus has since built up so many walls, so many layers of protection. He hides behind a mask of coldness and indifference. He never once called James.

It’s the summer after James’ fifth year now. Amazing how time flies, and how people change. James still listens to Sirius go on and on about Regulus. He still comforts him whenever he needs it. He still sits on the phone with Sirius every time he gets in trouble, telling him how to tend to the wounds and comforting him through the pain.

He still sometimes wishes he could help Regulus too.

But James has changed. Sure, he still does everything he can to make people happy. He still burns like the sun, bringing warmth and light everywhere he goes.

Sometimes he feels like he is burning out.

He doesn’t understand how the sun can keep burning. It’s so exhausting. Constantly doing everything you can to keep everyone else satisfied. He wishes that he wasn’t judged when the clouds cover him up. When he has those moments where he just can’t shine. He wishes that he could have those moments, and not feel horrible. Not feel like he is letting everyone down.

“James? You there?” Sirius’ voice interrupted his thoughts, thankfully.

“Yeah, sorry. Zoned out for a minute there.” He laughs, trying to brush everything off like he was fine.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sirius sounded concerned. No. No this was about Sirius. James was fine. He always was. James Potter is always fine. Happy.

“Yeah of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” James just tries to laugh everything off.

“You just sounded off.” He sounded suspicious. James couldn’t do this.

“I think I’m just a little tired.” He says, faking a yawn.

“I will let you go. Thanks for listening, again. I appreciate it a lot, you know that right?”

“Of course. Anytime Sirius.” James was so tired of being everyone’s outlet. When was it his turn to be sad?

”Talk to you later James.” He says, a bit more happily this time, before ending the call.

James lets out a breath. When did all of this get so frustrating? He didn’t have anything to make him feel this way.

He was feeling a little tired. Maybe that was his problem. He hasn’t been sleeping as well lately. He probably just needed a good amount of sleep for once.

He falls asleep, only to be woken up a few hours later to his phone ringing. It was an unknown number.

“Hello?” He asks sleepily.

It was Regulus. Regulus’ voice was on the other end. Regulus, who he always worries about. Regulus, who he gave his number all those years ago. Regulus, who wanted nothing to do with James.

He blamed why he called on simply worrying about Sirius, but James knew it was more. He could hear it in his voice.

James repeatedly told him to call him for anything. Funny how a couple hours ago, he was sick of being an outlet, and now he would give up anything for Regulus to call him, even if it was just to say hello. James wanted this. He wanted Regulus to want him.

Right as they had ended their longer-than-it-should-have-been call, there was a knock on his window. James knew who it was. Regulus told him Sirius would most likely show up.

He slowly makes his way to the window. He opens it.

Sirius is there. Bloody and bruised.

“Guess who just got disowned.” He tries to fake laugh, but it is strained and fake.

“Come on.” James says softly, pulling Sirius in through the window. He immediately pulls the bloody boy into a hug.

Sirius falls apart. He’s a sobbing mess. He’s trying to say something, but it's incoherent. James lets him continue. He knows Sirius needs to let it all out. He knows he needs to let the boy cry.

He never mentions the phone call with Regulus. He doesn’t mention how he knows Regulus doesn’t hate Sirius. He doesn’t mention how he knew Sirius was coming. He never mentions that just hours ago he felt horrible. Because Sirius was there, and James had to be the sun. He was a part of the little comfort Sirius had. Sirius didn’t need to hear about James. He needed someone to hold him through the pain. And that’s what James did.

James let Regulus leave his mind, for now. He held Sirius, poor Sirius, and cleaned him up. Got him a change of clothes. He didn’t even bother settling him in the guest room, James knew Sirius would just climb into his bed anyway. And he does. He curls right into James’ arms.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers into James’ chest.

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. You’re safe now. I’ve got you.” James whispers back, holding the boy tighter.

Sirius starts crying again. It isn’t like last time. It’s just a quiet cry. James holds him close, until Sirius cries himself to sleep.

James goes to sleep, not wondering about Regulus. Not worrying about the younger boy. He goes to sleep thankful that Sirius is safe.

He wakes up scared for Regulus. He wakes up, and realizes that now Regulus would most likely be their parents’ new target.

James Potter wakes up worried and scared for Regulus Black, just like he did all those years ago.

The calls become more frequent. Slowly, Regulus begins to trust James more.

James loves every call. He will sometimes watch his phone, waiting for Regulus’ name to pop up on the screen.

Most times, Regulus doesn’t really talk. He just asks James to go on about random things. He doesn’t mind doing that. He doesn’t get to talk much anymore. He’s happy Regulus lets him.

James still has these “bad days” where he just doesn’t want to do anything. When Regulus calls on those days, James is quieter. Regulus doesn’t seem to mind. Regulus talks a bit more on those days. Sometimes, it’s just a comfortable silence.

James remembers the first facetime.

Regulus had called, just like any other day. He had been punished that day. He didn’t say why. He never did. James never pressured. Everything was delicate with Regulus. He was fragile. He didn’t trust easily. James knew that having his trust meant he had to be careful with it. So many others have hurt the poor boy.

Regulus was hurt. He must have had an overall bad day, because James was fairly certain he was crying.

“I don’t know what to do Sirius always helped and now he’s gone he left me and now I don’t know what to do-“ James knew Regulus knew what to do. He had done it countless times. But James also knew that Regulus sometimes got like this on bad days. Where everything was just too much. James remembers Regulus mentioning once that when things got bad like that, he always went to Sirius.

But now Sirius is gone.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. I will help you.” James keeps his voice calm and soft, hoping that it helps Regulus.

Regulus finally takes a breath. James hears it.

“Can we facetime? That way I can see how bad it is?” James didn’t know how he would respond, but he hoped Regulus would be okay with it.

He hears Regulus take a shaky breath, before the call ends. Shortly after, Regulus’ name pops up on the screen again.

James answers it. The first thing he sees is Regulus’ tear stained face. His hair looks disheveled. His eyes look tired.

“Hey. Can I see?” He asks gently. James would always be gentle with Regulus.

Regulus slowly moves his phone, setting it on what James assumes is the bathroom counter. That’s when he sees it.

There are little gashes all down his arm. Some have pieces of glass in them. Some are dripping blood.

“What happened Reg?” James is worried. He is positive the concern is all over his face.

“They pushed me into the coffee table.” He says quietly.

Whatever panic the boy was in earlier has seemed to fade. He began tending to his arm, without any help from James. James had known that Regulus knew what to do. Sometimes he calls just to hear James’ voice.

“How badly does it hurt?” James still keeps his voice soft and gentle.

“Not bad anymore. Stung a little at first.” Regulus’ voice is quieter now.

Even now, with his bloody arm, tear stained face, and dark circles under his eyes, Regulus is fighting. He is fighting to be okay. James can tell.

After that night, the facetimes became a normal thing. They would still talk quietly, but now each phone was on the other side of the bed. They both laid in bed, and either talked, listened, or just simply lay there. It was nice. James liked seeing Regulus. He liked seeing that he was okay. Well, as okay as he can be.

One night, Regulus looked especially tired. He had mentioned having a bad day. He asked James to just ramble. So he did.

He talked about anything he could think of, anything that was a lighthearted topic. He just talked softly, only taking occasional glances at the phone. He knew Regulus was watching. He never looked away.

One time, when James glances over, Regulus is asleep. His dark curls were softly over his face. His breathing was calm and even. James stared for a long time. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Regulus. He looked so peaceful, just laying there like that. It was the only time the boy ever looked like he was at peace.

It was in that moment, in the darkness of their rooms, over that one facetime call, that James Potter realizes he is in love with Regulus Black.

James got a pickup for his birthday. It’s a red, old, beat up one. The air doesn’t even work. But he loves it. It’s one of his favorite things.

James somehow convinced Regulus to get out of the house, and hang out with him. Just once before school started.

Regulus insisted on James parking a block away, and that he would walk there. James knew why, but he still hated it.

Regulus slowly walks up. His head is constantly looking around, like someone could be following him. He cautiously hops in the pickup.

“Did you steal this from the dump or something?” He seemed to be in one of his “moods”. That’s what James likes to say when Regulus is like this. He just changed personalities like the time changes during a day.

“No.” James laughs. “It’s my dad’s old one. Got it for my birthday.”

”Why are the windows down?” Regulus asks, confusion etched on his face. James loves how Regulus doesn’t hide his emotions from him anymore. He doesn’t have as many walls up when he is with James.

“The air doesn’t work.” James brushes it off like it's nothing.

“You are joking.” Regulus looks almost annoyed now.

“Nope.” James laughs.

“So you're telling me that you drive an old, beat up pickup, that has no air?”

“Yep. It’s really not that bad. It’s fun, in a way.” James has to hold back a laugh as Regulus looks disappointed, but also like he is at a loss for words.

“You are insane. Utterly, absolutely insane.” James can tell Regulus is holding back a laugh.

James turns the pickup on. Or well, tries to.

“Don’t tell me this thing doesn’t even turn on.” Regulus actually looks visibly shocked at that moment.

“Just give it a second!” Right as James says that, it turns on.

Regulus reaches to put his seat belt on, but it doesn’t click. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Oh, did I forget to mention the seat belts don’t work?” James is trying not to laugh hysterically at this point.

“This is a death trap!” Regulus exclaims. He is visibly a little flustered, maybe panicking a little bit.

“You’ll be fine.” James sighs, starting to drive off.

Regulus messes with his rings on his fingers the whole drive. James could solidly think that Regulus was absolutely freaked out. When they pull up to the small cafe, Regulus practically jumps out of the pickup, holding onto the side for support.

“You okay?” James asks softly, mildly concerned.

“Fine. Just happy to be back on the ground.” Regulus sighs, standing straight up again.

James just laughs, taking Regulus inside. James orders a hot chocolate, despite it being summer. Regulus orders just plain black tea, the only fun thing about it being that it is iced.

Once they get their drinks, they sit down.

“Why would you get a hot chocolate when it is blazing hot outside?” Regulus asks curiously.

James shrugs. “Only thing I really like.”

Regulus just takes a sip of his tea.

“Let me guess, you drink your coffee completely black as well?” James laughs softly.

“How’d you know?” Regulus replies back sarcastically.

They talk about random things, mainly just getting to know each other. Not the deep stuff they find out through the calls. The simple things.

James learns that Regulus loves to read, especially poetry, and he sometimes writes it. He learns his favorite color is dark green. He learns about how close him and Sirius used to be, before Sirius left for school. He learns some things about Regulus’ friends as well. Small stories and little details.

James falls deeper in love with Regulus.

When it’s time for them to go, Regulus looks reluctant to get back in the pickup.

“You will be fine.” James says, dragging Regulus over to where they were parked.

They both climb in. “You should really get the seat belts fixed.” Regulus exasperates.

“Just enjoy the wind through your hair and my spectacular company.” James laughs, starting to drive off.

Regulus wasn’t as tense this time around. Instead of playing with his rings, he just simply held on tight to the handle on the door, like he was bracing for something to happen.

When they pull up to where James had parked before, about a block away from Regulus’ house, Regulus doesn’t jump out right away.

“…Thank you. For today.” He says quietly.

“It was nothing. I figured you deserved to get out of that house.” James smiles softly, eyes shining. Like the sun.

Regulus stares for a moment. They keep eye contact.

“I should go.” He basically whispers.

“Oh. Yeah probably.” James says, just as quiet. He doesn’t want to leave Regulus.

“I will call you tonight.” He says quickly, before hopping out of the beat up pickup.

He waves goodbye, before walking down the street, back to his house a block away.

James stays parked there, watching him walk away. The day had been amazing. He had got to be with Regulus. In person. He got to see Regulus. See he was okay. He got to see Regulus’ beautiful curls. He got to see the eyes he could get lost in. He got to actually spend time with him. He got to learn small, little things about him. He got to talk to him, not just over the phone while Regulus was hurt, not just on a quiet facetime while trying to comfort Regulus. It was in person. It was real.

James Potter was hopelessly in love with Regulus Black.