The Great War

From a young age, Regulus Black learned to stay quiet. To stay out of the way.

It’s not that he wanted to see his brother get hurt. It’s not like he wanted to follow his parents beliefs and rules. It’s not like he wanted any of this. The silence, the pain, any of it.

It was just safer that way.

He wished he was brave like Sirius, to not listen to them. He wished he was strong like Sirius, to accept the beatings and keep going. He wished he was loud like Sirius, to voice his opinion.

But he wasn’t Sirius. He was Regulus.

So he stayed silent. He listened to their rules. He pretended to follow their beliefs. He stayed in the shadows. He was the good son. The punishments weren’t as severe for him as they were for Sirius.

He was surviving.

He learned how to control himself. How to be the good kid. How to survive.

It was hard at first. He couldn’t break when he watched Sirius get hurt. He had to stay emotionless. Crying made him weak. He wasn’t that weak. He wasn’t as strong as Sirius, in his eyes. But to his parents? He was strong.

He needs to make them proud.

They weren’t proud when he was 5 years old, begging his mother to stop hurting his big brother. As the tears hit the floor, sobbing, begging, for them to stop.

There was soon blood mixed with the tears on the floor.

They weren’t proud when Regulus would drag Sirius’ body from the study to his bedroom, sobbing as soon as the door closed.

They weren’t proud when Regulus didn’t understand why they were teaching them these things, and he questioned them.

Sirius was dragging Regulus’ body that night.

Except he wasn’t dragging Regulus. Sirius was older, stronger. He could carry him to the room. And he didn’t sob. He consoled a sobbing Regulus.

Regulus used to cry a lot. Then he stopped. That made his mother and father proud. And it felt good.

They were proud when he didn’t cry as Sirius was getting punished. He stood there, watching, and didn’t move. Didn’t flinch. He controlled himself. He forced himself to stay emotionless. To stay safe.

To survive.

They were proud of him when he obeyed their rules, when he pretended to go along with their beliefs. He needed to stay safe. He just wanted to be in the shadows.

Sirius wasn’t proud of him for that.

When Regulus heard that Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, he was scared. He was scared for Sirius. He was so scared for Christmas Vacation, when Sirius would come home. Mother and father would not be proud.

Sirius comes home. They weren’t happy. But he was.

It was odd for Regulus to see him like that. Sirius would get the punishments, but he was happy.

He wasn’t happy when he realized how much Regulus had changed. He was a lot quieter now. He stood to the side of his parents.

“What happened Reggie? Did they do something to you?” Sirius sounded so worried and concerned about Regulus.

Regulus would just insist he was fine, and tell Sirius to talk about his friends.

Regulus hated those stupid people. They took Sirius away from him. They took his big brother.

They took his Sirius.

He would go on and on about how great they were and how he couldn’t wait to go back. How he couldn’t wait to leave Regulus again so he could go see them.

And then there was James. Regulus hated James, at the time.

“-and James, oh James, he is absolutely awesome. He’s like the brother I never had!” And Sirius kept going and going. So Regulus hated James. Because James took Sirius. And now Regulus wasn’t even a brother to Sirius anymore.

It hurt more than any punishment his mother or father had ever delivered.

Regulus’ parents were proud of him when he was sorted into Slytherin.

Sirius was not.

Regulus saw the look on his brother’s face. There was a small pang in his heart, but it was quickly pushed away. He couldn’t feel anything. He wasn’t weak. He remained cold, face emotionless.

That lasted a whole day.

Unfortunately for Regulus, his dorm mates had made him their friend. And Regulus didn’t have enough time practicing his coldness to shoo them away. He really wanted friends.

Even just after a day, he trusted them. Maybe too much, but he needed someone in his life now that Sirius was gone. Barty and Evan were great.

The first day of classes had started, and Regulus had tried to talk to Sirius after. They were brothers, weren’t they?

Apparently not.

“Get away from me you filthy snake.” He hissed, words filled with venom. Regulus was startled, to say the least. He just wanted to talk to his brother.

“Siri-“ he starts, but is quickly cut off.

“No. Get away from me. I can’t believe I thought you could be different. You said you weren’t like them. You lied.” His words hurt, they hurt so bad. They cut deep into Regulus. What was he saying? He didn't mean it, right?

He quickly fixed his face. His mask had slipped, for a slight moment. He couldn’t break, he wasn’t weak.

Sirius walks away with his stupid friends, and Regulus just stands there. What did he do wrong? Didn't Sirius see he was trying to stay safe? All he wanted was to be with Sirius, and his stupid friends he always talks about.

He goes to his dorm, praying nobody else was there. Of course, Both Barty and Evan were there.

Apparently Regulus needed to work on his mask a bit more.

“Regulus? What’s wrong?” Evan asks as Regulus walks through the door. He looked almost concerned. Why did everyone always look concerned?

”Nothing. I’m fine.” He says quickly, undoing his tie. It felt stuffy in the room. Suffocating, in a way.

“Don’t bullshit Reg. What’s wrong?” Barty was always more straightforward.

Regulus blinks his eyes, trying to force the tears away. Both boys were staring at him, and he knew it was no use. A tear falls, and he quickly wipes it away, still trying to be fine.

Evan pats the bed they were sitting on lightly. Regulus shouldn’t. He knows he shouldn’t. He has to be strong. But the boys were so nice, and they seemed to genuinely care. Regulus hasn’t cried in a while. He shoves it all down, to keep his parents proud.

Regulus sits, and Barty wraps his arms around him, gently. Regulus wasn’t used to nice touch anymore, it felt weird.

“You can cry Reg. It’s okay.” Evan’s voice was soft.

Regulus had never been given permission to cry since before Sirius left for school the previous year.

Regulus breaks. The tears just fall, and suddenly he is clinging to Barty and Barty is holding him tighter. Suddenly Evan is right there, rubbing Regulus’ arm. Suddenly, Regulus feels as though he’s safe.

Suddenly, at 4:07 P.M. on a Thursday, Regulus feels like he is loved again.

James Potter really pisses Regulus off.

He takes his brother away from him, then thinks he can just be Regulus’ friend?

Time has passed now. James has been trying for four years. Regulus acts like he wants nothing to do with James.

He really wants James.

But he can’t. His mother and father would never approve. They say it’s a sin. He can’t like James Potter.

He can’t be in love with James.

He won’t even be friends with him. It will hurt too much. Maybe in a different life, when Regulus wasn’t a coward.

Sirius still hates him. Regulus gave up trying two years ago. Regulus is the good, quiet kid. It’s okay. Everything will be okay.

He has to believe that.

Sirius still yells at him a lot. Constantly says how disappointed he is, how he really thought Regulus would be different. Regulus never says anything back. He stays quiet. It makes Sirius more mad, and he walks away. It’s better that way.

Regulus doesn’t cry anymore when Sirius gets mad at him. He doesn’t cry at all anymore, in fact.

It’s safer this way, right? Staying quiet, out of the way, in the shadows. He can just fade away.

He will never love, his mother says it’s wrong. He isn’t supposed to like boys.

He remembers when his mother found out about Remus.

It was so bad. Regulus broke his mask for moments. Unnoticed moments. His mother and father were solely focused on Sirius. Sirius who was bleeding on the ground. Sirius who was always braver. Sirius who was always stronger. Sirius who got a boyfriend, despite the threats from their parents, despite all the rules. He would rather get hurt, and be in love, then be safe.

Maybe Regulus was weak, even without crying. Even with standing by his parents. He thought he was strong, for fighting to survive, for living a different life than he wanted, because he was fighting.

He was weak, in the end. He always was the weak one. Watching his brother taking hit after hit, all because he was in love. Sirius was strong.

Regulus was not.

Regulus spent the rest of his fourth year out like always. Miserable, but also glad to see his friends.

Summer Break changed everything.

Sirius was told to break up with Remus. That dating him was a sin. Sirius didn’t.

The yelling went on for hours.

Regulus curled up in a corner. He couldn’t go down. He couldn’t look at Sirius, who would inevitably be broken and bruised. He couldn’t watch. He couldn’t keep his mask up.

Hours later, there was a soft knock on the door. Sirius cautiously walks in.

Regulus quickly stands up, smoothing his clothes, looking at his brother. He looked like shit, in summary.

“I’m leaving.” His voice sounds hoarse. His eyes look so tired, so worn.

“What?” Regulus tried to keep the mask up when he said that. No, no it wasn’t supposed to be that way.

“You heard me. They disowned me.” Sirius’ voice sounds so… dull. Regulus expected him to be happier.

Regulus wasn’t happy.

“No, no Siri please. You can’t leave, you can’t leave me-“ his voice was desperate, but cut off.

“Shut the fuck up Regulus. You don’t get to act like this now. You haven’t once tried to help me. All these years, you stood and watched. You watched them torture me.”

“Siri I was-“

“No. No Regulus you don’t get to say anything. I’m leaving. I can’t be here anymore. I’m not allowed to.”

“Please Sirius. Please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this isn’t what i wanted, it wasn’t supposed to be like this you can’t leave me-“ He keeps pleading, Sirius can’t leave.

“No. Fuck- Regulus why would i care about you? You obviously could care less about me. All you care about is being their perfect kid, the stupid golden child-“

Golden child…? No, no that isn’t right. He is supposed to be forgotten. Not the golden child. He fucked up. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, he was supposed to be in the shadows, simply a ghost.

His ears are ringing. His mind is overflowing. And then his door shuts. Everything freezes. Everything stops. Sirius is gone. Regulus is alone. He is alone in the house. With them.

Sirius left at 11:58 P.M. on a Saturday.

He is the focus now. Sirius is gone, now Regulus is the main attraction. This isn’t what he wanted.

He is so worried. Worried about what will happen to him. Worried what will become of himself. Worried about Sirius.

Sirius.

It was always Sirius, wasn’t it? He was always going to get the happy ending. He was braver, stronger, he was everything Regulus wasn’t.

Sirius.

Where would he go? It’s so late, something could happen-

oh.

James. It’s James, isn’t it? His “true brother” in Sirius’ words.

He grabs his phone, and takes the scribbled number out of the back of the case. He dials it.

What the fuck is he doing? He shouldn't be doing this, it isn’t his business-

“Hello? Who is this?” James’ voice is on the other line.

Regulus is at a loss for words. All that can be heard is his slightly quickened breaths.

“Hello? Is anyone there? I’m just going to end this-“

“Wait.” Regulus spits out quickly.

“Regulus? Why are you calling me?” James sounds shocked.

“Sirius.” His voice is practically a whisper.

“What about him? Regulus what’s going on?”

“Promise to take care of him.” Regulus sounds defeated and tired.

“Regulus, tell me what’s going on.”

“He was disowned.” Regulus chokes back his emotions. “I- fuck. Please take care of him. I know he hates me, and wants nothing to do with me, but I love him. So much. So please take care of him.” He couldn’t stop the tear that fell down his cheek.

James is quiet for a moment. “Is he hurt…?”

Regulus wishes this wasn’t a phone call. He doesn’t want to talk. “Yeah. I don’t know where he is going, he didn’t tell me. But I assumed it was you. And you gave me your number four years ago, so I called you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Thank you for calling me Regulus.” He says quietly. He sounded so gentle. “Are… are you okay…?”

Was he okay? Of course he wasn’t. His brother just left him. Left him all alone in that house. He could feel tears on his face. He hasn’t cried in two years. “I’m fine.” He says quietly, wiping the tears.

“You sure…? I worry about you, you know.” His voice is so worried, yet so gentle.

“I’m fine. I just needed to make sure he was safe.” Regulus is getting good at lying. Maybe too good, for anyone who doesn’t care enough to try to read him.

“You saved the number.” There is something in James’ voice that Regulus can’t place.

“So what?” Regulus was starting to get defensive. Why was James trying to turn this on him?

“You obviously kept it for a reason. Talk to me Regulus. I will listen.”

This was odd for Regulus. The only people he talked to were his friends, and even then it was rarely ever.

“I just kept it in case Sirius ever needed you, but he couldn’t call himself. That’s all.” He is lying again.

“You kept it for yourself, didn’t you?” His voice sounds so sad, it pangs Regulus’ cold, almost numb heart.

There is only silence from Regulus.

“You saw how much Sirius trusted me. How hard I persisted to be your friend. You kept it in case something bad happened, didn’t you?”

Regulus feels tears again. Why was this happening? This call wasn’t supposed to be about him, it was about Sirius. Making sure Sirius was safe.

“Please talk to me, Regulus. I just want to help.” James’ voice sounded so worried, so concerned, yet almost determined, at the same time.

“Not here.” He whispers. What if they overheard him? He doesn’t want to be seen like this.

“Regulus-“

“I can’t James. They could hear.” He is still whispering, desperately trying not to cry.

“You should have come with Sirius, I could have-“

“It’s not that simple James.” He chokes it out. Sirius’ words are replaying over and over again in his mind. “I’m the golden child.” He whispers it, not wanting it to be true.

“When can you talk?” He asks, voice getting quieter. James cared too much.

“School, maybe.” Regulus admits.

“Regulus that is still-“ Regulus cuts him off.

“I know it’s a while. But I can’t do it here.” Regulus is so tired of all of this.

“Okay. But you better talk to me at school, Regulus. I’m worried about you.”

“Please don’t worry about me. I can handle myself. Just please make sure Sirius knows you care. I could see it in his eyes before he left. He’s hurting. Please take care of him for me.” Do what I never did. He wants to say. Do what I could never bring myself to do. What I was never strong enough for.

“I will. I promise I will. As long as you promise to take care of yourself.”

“Okay. I will try.” He whispers. “I have to go now.”

“Promise me to try and stay safe?” He sounds almost scared for Regulus.

“That’s all I ever do.” He confesses. He didn’t mean to say it, it just slipped out.

“And please, please message or call me if something is wrong. Whenever. I don’t care if it's the middle of the night.” James sounded completely serious.

“I can try, but I don’t know if I can.” Regulus was being honest, for once.

“Try your hardest. Please.” James is practically begging at this point.

“Okay.” It’s such a simple response, but it speaks a lot, coming from Regulus.

Regulus was this cold hearted, stoic kid who looked practically emotionless. He was stubborn, he was quiet, he was never really seen.

All of that changed, and all that had to happen was for Sirius to be free, and for Regulus Black to finally call James Potter.

It took one month. One month of Sirius being gone for Regulus to break. He got the punishments now. Not Sirius. Sirius was gone.

It’s 2:24 A.M. on a Monday when Regulus calls James again. It only took one month of this hell for him to go to James Potter, of all people.

Normally, he would just call Pandora, Evan, Dorcas, or maybe even Barty. But for some odd reason, he called James.

“Regulus? Is something wrong?” James sounds sleepy. Of course he does, he was asleep.

All that could be heard was Regulus’ shaky breaths. Words were so hard these days.

“Regulus, talk to me. I’m here, I’m listening.”

”I don’t know why I called. It’s not like you can do anything.” What was he even doing anymore? All of this was so stupid.

“It doesn’t matter. Sometimes talking helps.” How was James always so gentle?

“I’m just- this wasn’t the plan.” He whispers.

“What do you mean by that?” James sounds slightly confused, but also a little curious.

“Sirius was never supposed to leave. He was supposed to learn how to behave, and everything would have been fine. He should still be here. I’m all alone. They hurt me worse than they ever did Sirius. Any little, tiny mistake is a beating.” Regulus can feel tears falling again. He hates it.

“Oh Regulus, I’m so sorry.” James’ voice is so sad. So concerned.

“It hurts. So bad. I want it to stop. I don’t want to be here another month. I don’t know if I can take another month.” He can’t stop the words from falling out of his mouth. Why is he telling James all of this?

“You’re strong. You can do this, yeah? Fight through it. Survive.”

All Regulus has done is survive. He is so tired of just surviving.

“I don’t know why I even called.” He admits again, quieter this time.

“That’s okay. I’m glad you did. I worry about you. It’s good to hear your voice and know you are at least a little okay.” James still sounds worried, but he also sounds relieved.

Regulus wasn’t sure if he was okay at all. He was hurting. He was tired. He was getting quieter every day. He didn’t like to talk anymore. He is succumbing to this new life, one where not even he is good enough for his mother and father.

“Regulus, you are going to be okay. I won’t let them destroy you.”

Now Regulus wants to cry again. “Why do you care so much…?” He is practically whispering at this point.

“Regulus, you are a good person. I can tell. You do all of this to survive. You push people away because you are scared. That's all you know. I want to help you. I want to show you that you don’t need to push anyone away. You are going through a lot of shit. You deserve somebody. You can push and push, but I’m not going anywhere.” He sounded so confident, like he was sure Regulus wouldn’t hurt him. Regulus felt the opposite.

They started having more talks like this, Regulus would just call. He never said much, but he always called James, and James would talk. He was starting to trust him more, which was horrifying for Regulus.

Every once in a while Regulus would talk. It would be quiet confessions, ones he thought he would never tell. It felt nice, in a way. To say what he was feeling. He still isn’t used to it, but it’s getting better.

Other times, James would simply ramble on about random things, a way to distract Regulus from everything. Sometimes Regulus would talk back, sometimes he would stay silent. In a way, he knew the rambling was helping James as well.

He had quickly learned that James liked to talk, but people often told him to be quiet. That he was too loud and annoying. Regulus didn't think that. He liked how gentle James’ voice was, how he somehow made Regulus calm down a bit just by talking.

Eventually, the calls turned into facetimes. Regulus would curl up against the wall or in his bed, and just watch James talk. James always talked with his hands, waving them around as he rambled on and on about whatever came to his mind. Sometimes Regulus managed to fall asleep. The way James talked excitedly but yet so calm and gentle relaxed Regulus.

James Potter was the little bit of comfort Regulus had that summer.

James and Regulus got significantly closer over Regulus’ fifth year. The calls turned into late night meetups in the Astronomy Tower. They would meet there, and just talk. Regulus always kept a little distance between them. It almost felt like they were closer when they were on facetime than in person. But Regulus has always avoided touch due to the lack of it in his life, and he couldn’t just accept it right away.

Even still, the two got to know each other better. They learned favorites, preferences, dislikes, all of it. Most of the time, the talks were simple ones, just lighthearted conversations to get to know each other better. Every once in a while, they would get a little deep. Talk about more personal things.

Regulus noticed that James doesn’t always like to talk. Sometimes, when they are up in the Astronomy Tower at ungodly hours, James Potter is quiet. He sits and watches the stars. It’s always a comfortable silence, one Regulus enjoys.

Regulus remembers the one night, the night he let James in. Well, not really in, but James got to touch him.

It was a cold, early November night. Regulus walked up to the Astronomy Tower like always. Sirius and Regulus had a particularly draining fight, and Regulus just felt tired and worn. Being in James’ presence was honestly calming all on its own after the day he had.

James knew about the fight, he was Sirius’ best friend after all. Regulus was glad Sirius always complained to James first when they fought, because Regulus didn’t have to explain most times. He could just sit and let James’ company calm his almost-constant stress and anxiety.

Not even James’ rambling was helping today. Nothing was distracting Regulus from the constant replay of his brother’s words in his head. He was messing with his rings, twisting and turning the silver bands. He always seemed to do it when his mind was taking over, like doing it would help stop it.

James notices. Of course he does. He is James Potter, after all.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks quietly, leaving it fully up to Regulus.

“He thinks I’m like them. He thinks that I want all of this. I don’t I really don’t I hate this I hate them-“ Regulus’ words come out fast with no break or breath.

“Reg, hey Reg look at me. Deep breaths.” His voice was gentle, even now. How was he always so gentle?

Regulus looks at his eyes. They are so warm, so full of love.

Regulus’ hands were shaky, despite the deep breaths. His mind was so full of Sirius’ words, it was so, so hard to think of anything else.

James takes his hands, holding them in his own. Normally, Regulus would flinch away, probably freak out even more, but he didn’t. He stopped. Everything stopped. James Potter was holding his hands.

After moments, Regulus remembered how to breathe. He didn’t move, he stayed how he was. Standing completely still, his hands in James’ hands.

Respectively, what the actual fuck.

James must think Regulus is thinking, which he isn’t. They only thought running through his mind is James. James is touching him. James cares about him. James is concerned. His chest feels warm. He hasn’t felt like this since he met Barry and Evan, all those years ago. What is happening? Why does Regulus feel like this?

”Talk to me Reg. Please.” James obviously thinks Regulus is still thinking about the fight. He sure fucking isn’t. Why was he upset again? He can’t even remember.

Regulus’ lack of response makes James worried. At least that is what Regulus assumes. He can’t tell much except for James and his cold heart fucking thawing every second. What is James doing to him?

James is quiet, possibly thinking what he wants to say over? Regulus doesn’t know. What he does know is that James’ eyes are so warm, so welcoming. Like his eyes alone are thawing Regulus’ cold, cold heart.

“Can I… can I hug you Reg…?” James’ voice is tentative and hesitant, like he is scared for the answer.

Now Regulus can’t think because he hates touch, literally with everything in his body, and yet James asked, and he wants to say yes. No words seem to come out.

All he can do is nod. Regulus Black, the cold, stoic, emotionless boy who hates touch, is trying not to nod his head too desperately because he wants James Potter to hug him. He hasn’t been hugged in years.

James slowly wraps his arms around Regulus. It’s a light, gentle touch. Like he is afraid of scaring Regulus off. Everything about James was so gentle. Regulus could never be scared of him.

As Regulus melts into the hug, the first one in four years, he realizes something. Something horrible, awful, tragic. Something soul crushing, gut wrenching. Something that would ruin him forever. Something that makes him want to cry, scream, hurt someone, maybe even fucking murder someone. Something that will be the death of him. He realizes something in the warm, gentle hug in this boy’s, who might as well be the sun, arms.

Regulus Black is in love with James Potter.

Regulus Black lost his brother at 11:58 P.M. on a Saturday.

He called James Potter at 12:01 A.M. that night, telling him to look out for Sirius and make sure he was okay.

A month and two days later, he calls again, this time for himself.

Five months and six days later, at 11:31 P.M. on a cold November night, Regulus Black realized he was in love with James Potter.

Exactly one minute and forty-seven seconds later, Regulus Black realizes his mother is going to kill him.