A great big tragedy
Dorcas
Dorcas hangs up the call, dropping the phone on the plush carpet of her bedroom floor. She could feel the tears falling but she couldn’t stop them. She didn’t know if they were for Marlene, Regulus or herself.
In true Dorcas Meadows fashion she had pushed through the pain, letting herself feel it the day she found out.Then she buried it deep inside and used the pain as motivation to push through packing, and leaving Indiana.
She knew she had hurt her friends with the abrupt leave but it was nothing compared to the gaping hole in her chest, the same chest she was convinced was made for Marlene to nestle herself in. If Dorcas was ice then Marlene was the fire to melt her, she’d never thought they’d work out but they did.
She was living with the dents that Marlene Mckinnon had left on her life, on her heart . So for the first time in months Dorcas cried, she cried and cried and cried. She cried so much she didn’t know where the tears started and she began, she cried and she ran.
She did both because she couldn’t deal with it. She had agreed to go to therapy but didn’t let her therapist crack her open, she feared that if she did Dorcas wouldn’t just be able to blame the black disease inside her on the grief of Marlene.
So in true Dorcas Meadows fashion she buried it deep down and tried to forget a life where there were blue eyes and long blonde curls. She tried to bury down the shape of Marlene, tried to forget how she tasted, it only brought her more pain anyway.
She would never hold her again or kiss her. She wouldn’t even be able to be in the same room as her. They’d been together 3 years but Dorcas knew it shouldn’t have been that short, she knew their love story was supposed to carry on longer than this.
The gaping hole in her chest wasn’t supposed to be here until they were greyed and old. There was never supposed to be a life where Dorcas Meadows had to live without Marlene Mckinnon, so she buried it so deep that there was no chance she’d think of it again.
She knew she was deluding herself and that it wouldn’t work, because at night when it was dark and it reminded her too much of late night talks, and two people cuddled up in bed. She would remember, she would remember the birthdays, the christmas and the love. Oh, the love.
In those moments she wouldn’t cry, she’d stay nestled in bed and let the pain consume her.
So maybe, not in true Dorcas Meadows fashion. Dorcas didn’t bury the pain, she relished in it, and she let it destroy her because after all.
Marlene was gone and there was no saving her.
__________________________
James
James is very worried, even as Barty brings out the alcohol and they all get semi-drunk. His gaze never strays away from Regulus Black. The same Regulus that can’t hide the twinge of red in his eyes from James, he ends up drinking water an hour after the alcohol made an appearance, someone had to be sober after all.
It was James who later on confiscated the alcohol after Evan threw it into the fire. He smiled, the marauders were all back together. Then his gaze would shift and he’d see Mary turn to her left, her mouth open and gaze alight with something bright before her gaze darked and she ground her jaw, swiftly turning away.
He would feel the slimy feeling of his heart melting as he noticed no ocean blue eyes looking at him. He’d notice that the only blonde around him were the Rosie twins, and his heart would crack as his mind caught up.
Right,
She’s dead
Moments like these James wondered whether Mary missed Dorcas or Marlene more but he figured Dorcas may as well have been dead as well, her lingering presence hurt almost as much as Marlene’s.
He never blamed her, not once. He had once been mad, a while ago when he first heard. He’s not anymore because he understands, he understands that despite how brave Dorcas was she wasn’t always and Marlene was the only person she could put her guard down with, the only person she loved, so he understands, he understands that Dorcas’s world had caved around her and instead of facing it head on, she ran.
So no, James doesn’t blame her, he understands.
_____________________________
Regulus
They were walking back in the dark, the forest long behind them. They were mostly quiet except for the small whisper or smile one of them cracked, it was nice like this too. When everyone was quiet, Marauders were finally silent at last, a miracle some would say.
James was walking beside Regulus, he was careful not to speak or do anything particular that could make Regulus snap, it had been quietly decided by the group that they’d be staying at the Potter residence. Not that it was odd for James to bring 8 or so tipsy teenagers home.
He did look at Regulus every few seconds though, just to see he was still okay. The last time he did Regulus snapped, “What” he spat out his gaze hard as he scowled, James put his hands up in surrender, his questioning gaze turning soft as he gazed at Regulus. Regulus scoffed and hurried up his steps.
“You're chasing after the wrong Black brother” Regulus said once James was beside him again. James shrugged “I’ve got the right Black brother” he said, Regulus sighed, he sighed like being around James tortured him instead of lighting up his insides like he didn’t know they still could.
Regulus Black was 11 when he fell in love with James Potter and James was 14 when he admitted he’d been in love with Regulus Black for 3 years. Regulus was 15 when he released James might feel the same way, Regulus Black is 16 when he realises that he would ruin James Potter.
So sue Regulus for trying to prevent the inevitable because all he could offer James was heartbreak, but you could also sue Regulus for caving because James was so good and lovely and infuriatingly perfect. Regulus just wanted a bite, just a small one.
He felt safe with James and really he should be more surprised by this but Regulus’s day stopped and started with James Potter. So really, he isn’t shocked. Sometimes Regulus lets himself get lost in the moment he thinks of James and how much they could that maybe Regulus doesn’t ruin everything he touches, then James smiles at him and Regulus can’t help but think no, James Potter must never be tainted by him.
“I’m not okay” Regulus whispers, unsure why he said anything. James doesn’t roll his eyes and say nobody is really fine, he doesn’t tell Regulus it’s obvious, he doesn’t tell Regulus it’s okay. “Tell me about it” James says instead, forever catching Regulus by surprise.
He blinks up at James before giving up on figuring him out, “Tell you what?” he asks irritability because could he be any more plain? “What’s it’s like to be the great Regulus Black” Regulus laughs without meaning to, “It’s nothing special” he murmurs, looking away.
James shrugs, his hands in his pockets. His black hair a horrendous mess on his head and his black framed glasses hiding beautifully big hazel eyes. “I dunno, he seems pretty special to me” Regulus chokes, his eyes going wide, James didn’t say it quietly for Regulus, he said it confidently and loudly almost as if he was sure about Regulus.
Regulus shakes his head grateful that James doesn’t bring up the fact that he never answered his question.
__________________________
Regulus
Regulus woke up early, as he always did. He didn’t exactly wake up, he just opened his eyes and realised he was alive. He didn’t bother checking the time and left his room, he quietly made his way down to the kitchen, he turned the kettle on and immediately relaxed at the usual sound of water boiling. He got to work at cleaning the dishes while his water boiled and long after that too.
One thing nobody knew about Regulus Black was that he liked mundane things, he liked having the same boring routine. People might comment on this and say it’s because he’s scared of the unknown but honestly Regulus would like a quiet life, simple and mundane. So when James came back from his usual morning run Regulus had just finished pouring his coffee.
He passed by James and put the mug in his hands, James frowned looking up at Regulus with questioning eyes. He took a tentative sip before smiling as if Regulus had just handed him the moon.
Regulus turns his back when he feels his cheeks burning. If he’d waited a second longer to do so he would have seen James eyes soften and an unreadable look cross his eyes, because for some unknown reason James heart only seemed to work when he was around Regulus, it skipped beats and there were butterflies in his stomach and all the soppy things he heard about in books.
James was 100% sure that Regulus was the love of his life.
James held the coffee in his hands like it was a gift from God and moved further in the kitchen. “I’ve never cared for someone like I do you” James said quietly once the silence stretched on for too long, too long for James anyway.
Regulus dropped a glass, it shattered in the sink and James could see the blood dripping from his hands, “Shit, I’m sorry” James said quickly panicking and stepping closer to Regulus, he didn’t react and stared at James in shock before he seemed to snap back into himself.
“Kiss me” Regulus said and James reared back, his face written with shock. They went round and round saying things neither expected, but James Potter was a weak, weak man for Regulus Black.
He stepped closer and when Regulus didn’t snap at him he carefully laid a hand on his waist and pulled him closer, he moved forward like maybe his heart was attached to James too, that maybe James wasn’t the only one that felt that invisible string pulling them closer. “Well are you go- ”
Regulus was cut short when James brushed they’re lips together and it was nothing like their first kiss, it wasn’t heated or quick, it was slow and savoury and slowly Regulus kissed him back. He wound his arms around James' neck and ran his hands through his hair and when James started getting a dizzy rushing feeling he held tighter on Regulus' waist.
Regulus made a small gasping sound that James immediately swallowed, Regulus tasted like fever dreams and heartbreak, he tasted like hot cocoa too. He felt like everything James wanted and more, they’re kiss was something, something that would stay with them forever and when they pulled back, they rested their foreheads together.
Simply breathing the same air. James could close his eyes and imagine this was their kitchen and that Regulus was making them breakfast in they’re small little London flat where it was close to the bookstore Reg worked at and close enough to all they’re friends so they could go over to their houses on the weekend. He could imagine instead of the coldness of his bed he left this morning, he instead left a sleeping angel in his bed this morning.
He opened his eyes to find Regulus already staring at him. “I got blood in your hair” Reg says, and Jesus .
He’s perfect.
__________________________________
James
“I got blood in your hair” Regulus said and wanted to slap himself afterwards, James didn’t laugh, he didn’t do anything actually except shrug and tuck a loose curl behind his ear. “It’ll come out” He answered instead and let go of Regulus, he immediately felt the difference in temperature and scowled.
James was back not a second later with the medi kit and a wet cloth, wiping away the blood and bandaging it. Regulus was drowning, he’d been drawing for 10 years and he could only breathe around James.
Regulus didn’t sleep, it was a fact, but he slept with James. Slept the whole night, peacefully. Regulus was scared, James was slowly becoming everything to Regulus and if they didn’t stop kissing Regulus wouldn’t be able to stop himself from hurting James.
He flinched when James let go and saw surprise flicker in the eyes he’d fallen in love with at 11. He saw his mouth open, the same mouth he had just kissed. He did what he knew was right. He pushed and pushed, until James was further away so he couldn’t get close enough to see that Regulus was blackened and disgusting. That Regulus Black was doomed to die the moment he was born.
So Regulus lashed out.
What a great big tragedy they were.
___________________________
Regulus
“Let it go Potter” Regulus said, turning around and walking to the other side of the kitchen, trying to find something to busy himself with, “Reg” James said carefully and Regulus almost laughed at the frown in his tone, he was so sweet, too sweet for what he deserved.
“Leave Potter” he said, happy when his voice didn’t shake. “I’m not going anywhere Regulus” James said resolutely but Regulus scoffed. “You’ll leave eventually” he said and turned around keeping his gaze over James shoulder and arms crossed across his chest protectively.
“God dammit, Will you look at me!” James screamed and Regulus felt the tightness in his chest loosen, he was getting angry, good. “Don’t shout at me asshole” Regulus shouted back, his blood was rushing through his ears and he was burning, he could feel flames licking up his arms and the world around him dissolving, his gaze firmly locked in with James.
“What’s wrong with you?” James asked, genuinely asking, his gaze roaming over Regulus trying to see him, worse, understand him. ”Yeah look at me like I’m crazy, so much for being the great understanding James Potter” he scoffed, rejoicing in the hurt he saw flash across James face.
Hate me! He wanted to scream I love you his heart longed to say. “Why do you do this, push everyone away?”James said, his voice rose higher as he continued speaking “This isn’t going to help you Regulus! Let me help you, let me love you” He finished looking at Regulus like he had just bared his soul.
Regulus felt the shift, he felt hope bloom in his chest and he felt the tell tale sting of tears. James was lying, he didn’t love him, he didn’t mean anything because James Potter was a dirty conniving beautiful liar. “Fuck you” Regulus spat, flinching at the same time James did. He saw the rejection written on his face and wanted to take them back but Regulus Black had pride issues so sue him.
“Get the fuck out my face James before I say something we both know I won’t be ablel to take back” Regulus spat, trying to ignore how fast the tears were falling from his face. James shook his head like Regulus confused him, good , he thought. Stay confused and stay away from me so I don’t hurt the one good thing in my life he thought.
James stormed out, heart broken.
Regulus pushed him away but he didn’t want to, he wanted to crawl into him and find a home there, claim him and tell everyone to get away, but he’d seen his face. Regulus had broken him and underneath the hurt he was glad James finally saw him for what he was a broken person.
James Potter was determined to fix Regulus Black, and Regulus Black was determined to stay as far away from James Potter as he could.