I choose you
Regulus
Regulus doesn’t think for the rest of the day. He tries not to at least. At some point after lunch he went back home. Nobody’s there obviously but he could hear the fathom shout of his mother's voice and his fathers hands around his neck, he could hear they’re words thrashing around in his head.
You’re a disgrace
You were a mistake
You were the backup
Regulus takes a shaky breath trying to stop the tears from falling, it doesn’t work and he feels them fall on his face. He walks into his room and shakes even more, the plain beige color of his walls that his mother picked seemed to be suffocating him.
He can feel a headache forming at the wave of memories that flashed through his eyes. They were all the same, young Regulus trying to impress his mother and Sirius taking the burn of his actions, acting out so that when Regulus did nobody would notice.
Sirius would always burn brighter than Regulus.
He looks at his wall, the Trojan war photo is on the floor, he doesn’t know when it fell and frankly he doesn’t care. Regulus doesn’t want to care about anything, he used to think he didn’t, that was until Sirius was bleeding on the living room floor.
Regulus feels like he’s been suffocating since James let go of him. His notes aren’t under the photo anymore, but scattered around his walls, his roof, there’s even some above his desk and bed.
Regulus stands at his door, wondering what to do next. He softly closes his door without thinking about it and heads down to the basement, the coolness of the room makes him retreat further into himself. It takes him a while before he finds what he wants but when he does he walks back to his room.
He locks his bedroom door behind him and sets the paint and roller on the floor. He rolls his sleeves up before grimacing and rolling them down, not able to stomach the scars on his arms.
He could do this, use James as a motivation to get better, he doesn’t think about Dumbledore or Sirius. He doesn’t think about how Dorcas would be the only person to see what’s going on with him.
He moves his desk and chair first. Pushing them to the middle of his room, he moves his bed to the middle too, picking up his desk and placing it on top of his bed. He does the same to his chair and looks around the room feeling as though this should have been more exciting and less anti-climatic.
He only then realises how cold his room is, sure he can feel the sun and the breeze from his open window, but there’s nothing personal in his room. No photos of his friends or anything he likes besides the Trojan war photo, but when Regulus looks back at it he feels like he’s lying to himself.
He had always loved the Trojan war. The idea of hiding something inside something had always kept him interested. As Regulus had grown older he felt like the Trojan horse, he grew up how his parents wanted and did everything they said. The things he liked and who he was, he hid, the more things he found out about himself the more he had to hide.
So Regulus likes the Trojan war because in a way he could be a gift to some people, but they would never expect what he kept hidden inside.
He opened the bucket of paint and dipped the roller inside. He started with the wall next to his door, moving up and down the length of the wall. He continued on like this throughout the wall but stopped every time he came across a sticky note. Some were reminders, or new things he learnt today, some were words and phrases he particularly liked.
He felt almost sad painting over them but did. He needed the pain to stop so he painted and didn’t think. He painted up and down covering the beige walls and turning them into an ocean blue. Regulus used to think he hated drowning, it had never happened to him but the act of dying by something that was supposed to help him live was terrifying.
Regulus instead found comfort in water now, drowning seemed to be a beautiful way to die and the more he painted the more he wanted it to end. The more he wanted to crawl into his wall and find himself somewhere deep in a body of water.
None of that happened, he didn’t actually expect anything to but it was a nice thought nonetheless.
He continued painting in the silence of his room, the only sound was the occasional car driving by or the birds singing outside, that was until his brother came home of course. Regulus didn’t hear him but his body did, his body felt the presence long before he heard Sirius knock on his door, because of course. Even when Regulus didn’t want to be connected to Sirius he was, and always would be.
“Reg, are you in there?” Sirius asked, his voice low, as if he was talking to an animal that would pounce. Regulus was unsure if Sirius was afraid it would be at or away from him. Either way Regulus didn’t answer, he wasn’t entirely sure if he was even breathing, he screwed his eyes shut and held on tightly to the roller, he could hear the patter of the paint as it hit his floor.
He held his breath and let out a shaky exhale as he felt his chest burn, still alive then. He couldn’t shove down the disappointment that appeared quick enough.
He knew Sirius was on the other side of his door still waiting for an answer and Regulus was determined not to give him one.
So he continued painting, uncaring of the burning passion he suddenly had to die.
He found a sticky note in his pocket and remembered the day he wrote it. He smiled sadly at it before sticking it on the wet paint and grabbing the roller, he painted over it. Hiding it like all the others, he should’ve felt like he had closed a chapter but all Regulus could feel was that he was a liar.
A dirty dirty liar, and something told him this chapter wasn’t going to close so easily.
__________________________________
Regulus
Regulus left his room to let the paint dry. Sirius must have left during his painting session because the house was empty.
He didn’t know where he was going but grabbed his bike and pedaled. He wonders if this is what James did when he wanted a break from everything, he wonders if James will ever be able to get in a car again.
He doesn’t have a destination in mind. He wants to forget about being Regulus Black for a few hours, the weather starts dropping as the sun sets. The orange sky slowly turns black as the stars appear in the night sky, he breaths and continues pedaling.
He doesn’t realise his destination until he’s standing outside the Potter’s house, he hesitates for just a second before grabbing a stone and hurling it at James' window.
_______________________
James
James is sulking. Admittedly it’s not the most attractive thing to do but Regulus hurt his feelings, Lily and him baked cookies but even being in the kitchen made his heart shatter just a bit more, nobody seemed to realise just how hard it was to love Regulus Black.
Everybody had left earlier in the afternoon then promptly came back 2 hours later to watch movies. He was alone again now, laying on his bed, phone in hand as he watched funny videos. He’d normally be laughing by now but it didn’t hit right anymore. The wind was strong outside his window, constantly banging onto the glass, he had a quick flash of panic that it might break down the window.
James turned around as he heard something outside his window, almost scared that his insane thought about the window breaking became true. He rolled out of bed and walked to the window with his socks on his feet and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
Another stone hit his window and he jumped back, he tried peering out the window to see who it was but it was too dark. He grumbled about stupid kids and opened his window, as he did a stone hit him square in the face. “Ow” James said, rubbing his forehead, he heard someone laugh below him and immediately froze.
He knew that laugh, he loved that laugh. When he finally adjusted to the darkness James saw Regulus bent over and hands on his knees as he laughed. His black curls were whipping in the wind and his shirt was filled with air, his laugh was carried up with the wind and was music to his ears when he heard it.
Suddenly he forgot all about his moping. “What are you doing here?” James shouted, it took Regulus a second to answer as he tried and failed to calm down. “Come down, hurry up” he screamed back and James could see him shiver in the wind, he shook his head and closed his window.
It was cold and dark and he was not going anywhere. That’s what he told himself anyway, he moved to his bed, ready to crash into it but instead he shed his blanket and threw it on the bed. Grabbed his phone off his side table and put on a pair of sneakers.
He was at his door before he turned around and grabbed a random hoodie out his closet.
Yeah he wasn’t fooling anybody. He was going wherever Regulus wanted him to.
__________________________
James
James bounded down the steps quickly and flung the front door open. Regulus turned to look at him, curls getting swept by the wind and his lips a worrying blue. James walked up to him and held the hoodie out, waiting for him to grab it.
He looked at it without moving and looked up at James, confusion written all over his face. “Bring your arms forward, love” James said quietly, Regulus did so immediately and James would have laughed at how complying the younger Black was being if it didn’t make his heart beat a little faster.
He carefully eased Reagulus’ arms into the holes of the hoodie and once it was resting by his shoulders Regulus let his arms fall. James bundled up the hoodie and pulled it over his head, ruffling up his hair.
He stepped back to look at his handy work, or really look at Regulus. His eyes were wide as he continued to stare up at James, his finger twitched like they wanted to reach up and touch him, but at the last moment he clenched them and turned around. A pained “Thank you” was all James heard.
He felt disappointment cling to him like a second skin. Why couldn’t Regulus relax around James? Pathetically James felt tears sting his eyes and turned away from Regulus too.
Why can’t you let me love you? James would ask later on when he was braver
I’ll only hurt you and bring you down with me. Regulus would answer, squeezing his eyes shut. Forever wishing to erase James' pained look.
_____________________________
Regulus
Regulus turned around and clenched his fists, trying to let time sit still so he could process his emotions.
James was a meter away from him and for the life of him he couldn’t remember why he wasn’t in his arms. For the first time Regulus Black had nothing holding him back, he knew that wasn’t entirely true, there was always something holding someone back, but in that moment he couldn’t find one thing that made him being with James Potter sound like it was a bad idea.
So for the first time in his life, Regulus chose something he wanted and not what others thought was good for him. He turned around and took a few steps to James, lightly he tapped James on his shoulder and when he turned around Regulus kissed him.
He kissed him like there was no tomorrow, like this was the only time he could. For someone so cold Regulus sure did kiss with everything inside him. Regulus had chosen James and when James put his arms around him Regulus felt like James had chosen him too.
Regulus knew he wasn’t even close enough to being good enough for James, but he was going to try, he was going to try and he would push. He would become a whole different person if that’s what James wanted, so Regulus was trying, and kissing James felt like a reward. This was his first breath of fresh air since he left the Potter’s house this morning.
He had everything he wanted in his hands but Regulus couldn’t ignore the little voice in the back of his head that started a countdown, and he couldn’t help but worry about what would happen when the time stopped ticking.
A much deeper and darker part of him couldn’t help but think that the countdown would end when he did. Yet as Regulus held the sun in his hands. He had no fear, he had no worry about dying, he felt at complete peace and still didn’t know whether or not he wanted time to keep ticking or end for him.