Before I die…. I want to see my best friend
James
When James wakes up the next morning he couldn’t help the smile that overtook him. His mum clicked her tongue and he quickly turned around in bed, getting up and staring accusingly at his mother.
“Oh don’t look at me like that” she said smiling softly, taking his clothes in her basket and walking out the door, she walks back a second later and peers into his room. “I expect to know his name when you're eating breakfast” she says in a lightly scolding tone.
James flops back down on his bed and closes his eyes. The images of yesterday flashing behind them, he picked up his phone and was surprised to see a message from Regulus.
Regulus
It’s my turn.
James doesn’t reply, simply too giddy to stimulate a reply. He lays his phone back on his side table and heads to the shower, when he gets out he wipes his steamy mirror with his hand and can’t recognize the face reflected back.
Yes, it’s the same James. The same glasses, the same unruly hair, same hazel eyes, but James can’t shake off the fact that something has changed. His lips curl up in a smile, almost as if his body knows the difference but he is yet to be exposed to it.
He doesn’t mind, he’ll find out when he cares too and gets ready for school. He bounds down the stairs, phone in hand and backpack shouldered, “Morning mum” he says cheerfully, sitting down and taking an orange muffin from the cooling pile on the counter, he passes by the fridge and pours himself some apple juice.
His mum turns around a glimmer in her eyes and a ghost of a smile on her lips, “Well come on then, you have to be at school soon, tell me his name” she says and sends James a warm smile when he almost drops his glass. James can feel himself burning up but not because he’s embarrassed, he tells his mum everything. The thought of black curls and silver eyes gets him rather flustered rather quickly.
“Oh god, mum he’s amazing” he says taking a seat and dropping his bag on the floor, he takes a bite of his orange muffin and can’t seem to chew the chunk in his mouth with how wide his smile is.
“Honestly it’s like I’ve been waiting my whole life for him, I just oh mum, he’s bloody gorgeous, brightest star in the night sky” James says as he turns his head to stare out the window, thinking of late night touches and 2 boys riding bikes in the dark.
Euphemia is a smart lady, she knows that look, it’s the same look Fleamont gets when he looks at her, oh her sweet boy. He’s already given his heart out. She smiles and picks his bag up from the floor, taking his empty glass with her to the sink before pressing a kiss to her baby’s head. “He sounds astronomical” she says her eyes softening when he lets out a huff of air. “He is” James replies honestly, taking his bag from his mum and placing a kiss on her cheek.
Euphemia cups her hands on his face gazing at him softly, “don’t get into trouble” she says teasingly. He rolls his eyes “yes mum” he says lightly. “I love you” she says, pressing a kiss to his forehead before letting go and fixing his glasses.
“Yes mum, I love you too” he replies before opening the door and leaving for school. She walks to the window and watches as James leaves on his bike, watching until she can’t anymore.
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Regulus
Regulus is stupid, he is very very stupid. Stupidly in love with hazel eyes and mischievous looks. Oh he’s an idiot. A bluberring gorgeous idiot. He doesn't sleep when he gets home, he never does anymore, only in the arms of James Potter. His eyes are heavier today and he’s moving slower, his brain barely able to pull a sentence together.
James had taken him to a trailer park, with books. God he felt like he was floating. He did start reading the books, specifically, the song of achilles. Regulus being named after a star has greatly interested him in all the stories and fates around them. He remembers a long time ago, Regulus was 4 and Sirius was 5 trying to get him to calm down and told him the story of Patroclus and Achilles.
Who were so close to their happy ending but were never really that close to even having it. Regulus is pulled out of his thoughts by his phone lighting up.
Jamie <3
What were you thinking, love?
Regulus practically throws his phone across the room, his cheeks heating up embarrassingly quick. Love? His head echoes with the word, he feels warm all over, the sun having found a way to touch him through a closed room. James will ruin him.
He doesn't reply to the message just yet and heads out the door and to school. He decides to walk, feeling rather as if he needs to clear his mind, he gets to school a bit late and heads to his homeroom. The twins are already there, their eyes glued to their phones, Pandora has her head in Evan’s lap as he plays with her hair.
He stands at the door, feeling like an outsider. What if there was no Regulus? If he simply just left, would it affect them? Would it affect anyone? Then Pandora lifts her head a small crease forming on her forehead before a small smile breaks loose and she jumps up from her chair. Walking quickly over to Regulus. “Hi Reg” Pandora says, as radiant as ever, “Hi Dora” he says softly, Pandora seems to smile even brighter and pulls Regulus back to Evan, sitting back on her chair.
Evan looks up from his phone, waving at Regulus before promptly dropping his gaze back. Pandora talks a mile a minute telling Regulus about her plants and how she’s trying to find a way to finish the chemistry project. Regulus won’t admit this to anyone but Pandora was his first love, there simply is no Regulus without Pandora. She could be saying the dumbest things ever and Regulus would still talk to her, honestly, having Pandora in his life is the best thing ever.
As Regulus listens to Pandora rattle on and Evan’s gaze shifts to his twin sister then Regulus. Regulus decides that, yes it would affect them.
The bell rings, signalling school has started, he takes out his phone as they make their way to their lockers to grab their books for the next class.
Regulus
It’s a surprise, but I was thinking after school?
Coincidentally they pass James and his friends the moment he presses send, he sees James entire face light up before he quickly types back a response.
Jamie <3
I love surprises!
Is it okay if I bring my friends?
I’ll bring mine too, make it a group outing
Perfect! Thanks, love xx
Regulus doesn’t think James understands how much of an effect he has on Regulus, pet names? Honestly Regulus didn’t think he was into those things but trust James to be the one to prove him wrong. “What are you guys doing after school?” Regulus asks as they walk to Geography.
Evan finally pockets his phone before shrugging his shoulders “Nothing I’m aware of -” Evans says before pointing a finger at his sister “- but this one normally drags me places” Pandora smiles brightly back at her twin before looking at Regulus “Nothing darling we’ll wait for you outside the entrance afterwards” Regulus smiles and Evan breathes a mock defeated breathe before they sit down at their seats. James comes into class with his friends, they're all laughing loudly. Smiles stretch widely across their faces.
Though when James finds Regulus he seems to quiet down, as if he finally gets a breath from being him all the time and can finally just be James. They stare at each other for a while longer until Mr. Slughorn enters the room and tells them to quiet
down. James and Sirius wander to their seats at the back of the class, still chatting. Slughorn pays no mind and starts talking about the project.
Regulus turns around more than once to the feel of someone watching him, everytime he does he catches James eye and he smiles, that lovely lovely smile and Regulus can’t help but return it.
James is very bored, they’re not learning anything about Geography simply going over the project, Regulus however keeps James very interested, he doesn’t seem to be paying attention himself but captivates James nonetheless. He’s so beautiful, God he messes up James mind, how can anyone be that breathtaking?
Apparently he says it out loud because Sirius turns his gaze from his phone to James and pauses the music they're listening to. He sends him a curious glance before his lips tip into a grin, “Find a good looking bloke?” Sirius says, James sighs and nods his head, barely stopping the impulse to look back at Regulus.
Sirius barks out a laugh that makes people turn to look but he doesn’t seem to care and looks back at James with a sparkle in his eyes “Your whipped mate” he says honestly and James can’t help but agree. “Is it the person you're doing the project with?” he asks, and James hesitates a beat too long before answering, “Oh mate come on” Sirius says, rolling his eyes and nudging their shoulder together.
Sirius is very protective of Regulus normally getting into fights on his behalf. How would he feel if James told him he’s gone and accidentally tripped his mouth to Regulus’ or the fact said brothers legs tripped and somehow found his legs around James waist?
Yeah, not happening. Sirius seems to sense his unwillingness and shrugs. “Fine mate, I’ll see him after school anyway” Sirius says wagging his eyebrows suggestively and James can’t help but let out a huff of laughter.
Sirius unpauses the music and they pretend to have mics in their hands as they quietly sing along to Queen, school is rather boring after that and James doesn’t get a chance to see Regulus again.
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Regulus
Evan has been jumpy the whole day, Pandora (how Regulus hasn’t gone crazy with the amount of time he spends with her still astounds him), has suggested they eat in the cafeteria today, claiming it will help him.
Evan sends his sister a death glare she ignores and links her arms with theirs and pulls them to the cafeteria. Once they get their food Evan sits down tersely gaze flicking around the room as if trying to avoid seeing someone. Regulus rolls his eyes “Well come on, what did Barty do?” He says which apparently surprises Evan who turns to him with wide eyes and pink tinted cheeks.
He clears his throat “Nothing” he says quietly before taking a sip of water rather dejectedly. There had been no Grapetiser so he’d settled for water, just as Regulus is about to poke fun at Evan, Barty walks up to their table with a Grapetiser and a straw in hand. “Hi Evan” he says shyly, shuffling his weight from one end to another Regulus hides a smirk behind his juice box, happily enjoying the show in front of him.
Evan blinks up at Barty before his eyes stray to the juice in his hands. “You bought the last one” is all Evan seems to be able to say after a while, Barty shrugs apologetically “I heard you saying you didn’t like spending your money everyday just to get a decent drink, so I’d thought I’d waste mine for you” Barty says, his gaze flickering behind them before finding their way back to Evan like a magnet.
Evan opens his mouth then furrows his brows before letting a quiet “Thank you” fall from his lips, Barty seems to light up from that one word and Regulus scoffs, rolling his eyes at how pathetic he is. Pandora elbows him in the stomach trying to shush him. He huffs and dutifully stays quiet from then on.
Barty hands Evan the items and he quickly opens it, He stands seemingly waiting for something. Evan apparently doesn’t know either and stays quiet. After the 3rd minute has passed Regulus can feel himself itching with the awkwardness. He looks at Pandora and hopes to convey what he’s trying to say. Pandora nods, understanding immediately and stands up from the table quickly followed by Regulus as they walk their way to a different table that’s still in view of Evan and Barty.
They're still sipping their juice boxes when Pandora leads them to James Potter's table, Regulus’ movement only falters for a second before he slides in beside Pandora, that just so happens to be next to James. “Hope you don’t mind us being here, it was getting a little bit suffocating” Pandora says, absentmindedly tapping her fingers on the table.
The silence at the table is almost as insufferable as the one where Evan and Barty are sitting. Barty slides into Regulus' empty seat waiting for Evan to talk. “Do you think they’ll work it out?” Regulus asks mindlessly, Pandora hums tilting her head, still absently tapping the table.
Regulus leaves his juice box on the table, sliding it over to Pandora. He’s barely taken a sip knowing she’d want to have it, she sends him a surprised smile but takes it nonetheless. “Evan’s caved” Pandora announces, everyone turns their head to see Evan leading Barty out the hall. “I assume that’s our que too?” Regulus asks, his skin crawling further when everyone’s eyes turn to him, James quickly grabs his hand, his mouth moving without really saying anything.
His lips drop into a pout and Regulus melts he squeezes James hand hoping it conveys everything he can’t do right now. He wishes he could kiss that pout away, James smiles appreciatively before letting go of his hand, Pandora grabs his hand and waves at the table “See you all after school!” she says, sending bright smiles and pulling Regulus away
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Regulus
Regulus has had a lot of time to think and think, and over think again. Honestly he could do that all day, think, he could think himself into anything really. He paces too – a habit Sirius hates, but does to when he forgets himself, he paces back and forth in the front entrance of the school. Evan, Pandora and Barty are with him waiting outside the school.
They’re used to his panicking and mostly leave him to worry alone, his pacing only stops when he hears the familiar chatter. He turns a panicked gaze to Pandora, his face conveying everything his mouth refuses to say, someone else seems to reach him before Pandora does.
“Are you okay, love?” James asks, his voice dripping with concern.
James has a firm grip on Regulus’ elbow and when he turns around hazel eyes seem to be pouring into his, worry etched in them and making them look dull, Regulus let’s his mind wander for a bit, wondering what James would do if Regulus let himself be comforted, Regulus imagines he would be pulled for a hug, maybe biking to somewhere new, just the 2 of them and the wind, or they’d walk hand in hand and Regulus would try his best not to laugh at James and call him an idiot.
Almost forgetting why he was angry at all. They don’t have the decency for that though, so Regulus schools his features and rips his arm away, “God, Potter codependency issues much?” he says scoffing, trying to forget how softly James called him ‘love’ Good god he is a mess.
Regulus can hear James’s heart breaking without having to look at him because he can feel his own shatter a bit. “Come on, let’s get going” Evan says, his words are directed to the group but his eyes are on Regulus. Regulus scoffs and pushes him out the way before walking forward, seeing as he’s the only person who knows where to go.
They’re not going far, following the road until they have to cut through the forest. It’s the ruins of an old cottage that burned a while ago.
He can hear the group behind him talking, whispering as if they're afraid he’ll shush them, he wants to break down crying, he always pushes everyone away. Stupidstupuidstupid he chants over in his head. He raises his closed fist to what exactly? Punch, choke himself?
He lets his fist fall with a defeated sigh and wraps his arms around himself, he doesn’t need other people, he’s never needed other people. All the company he needs is himself, he tells himself this but maybe if the sun was kind enough to walk beside him it wouldn’t be so bad.
‘He doesn’t want you’ a voice says in his head, the words bouncing around until Regulus shakes his head, trying to throw them off-kilter. He can feel tears running down his face, feeling like he’s back home, back at the bridge, back in that bed, always always losing control and never able to have it.
He’s overreacting. He can’t be crying right now, anyone could see him, he pulls out his phone and sends the coordinates to Pandora before turning and walking away from the group, he doesn’t wander too far as the light slowly leaves, he goes far enough to collect himself.
He takes both his hands and lets the tip of his palm hit his head over and over again. “Get a grip Regulus” he mutters to himself, the tears seem to flow faster. He sinks to the floor and cries, why is he crying again? He wonders, he hears a twig snap and quickly stands up, hands rushing to wipe away his tear stained cheeks, and flowing eyes.
“Regulus?” James calls, Regulus can turn around and see the sun, relax as it warms him up. In another world he would, but well in another world Regulus would be dead so it’s not a very good judgement. He does turn and sees as James eyes slowly trail down his cheeks, the light in his eyes seems to dim as he brings his hand up to cup his cheeks.
“I’m fine” Regulus says before James can ask, he frowns clearly not believing him and opens for Regulus to fall into. “You can talk to me, as I recall I was your husband” James jokes, making them shake a bit, Regulus huffs a broken laugh as his tears start flowing again. “I’m such a mess James” he says, his voice breaking as he lets the sobs overtake.
“I mess everything up, I’m such a fuckup, I mean God look at what I’ve turned Sirius in. Before he’s a teenager or even my brother his primal instinct is to be my protector, I’m so messed up” Regulus hasn’t opened up this much since he was 3. He got beaten for that and decided never to do it again. James rubs soothing circles on his back, his arms never once faltering in their safety, “I’m still here” James says, pulling back to cup Regulus' face and look at him.
Even after he’s crying James still thinks Regulus is the most beautiful person ever. His silver eyes seem to have brighten with all the tears seeping out of them, James can see a few tears hanging onto his long lashes, looking like crystals while his skin is the snow, his skin has a lovely rosy tint to him and his lips look like they've snogged.
He’s as much as a child as he is beautiful and James wants to wrap him up and keep him a secret so nothing is able to hurt him. “I’ll chase you away too” he says, his voice soft and a small hiccup making his whole body shake “I’ll stay with you wherever you go, love” James says, placing a small kiss on his lips, his eyes are screwed shut as if he’s afraid James will disappear in front of his eyes.
“Whatever’s happening you can tell me, love” James says and that seems to be the right and wrong thing to say, Regulus pushes away from James and walks away and James can’t help but think he missed something.
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Regulus
When they rejoined the group later, they were already at the stone. “What is this?” Evan asks, they seem to have gotten a fire started to keep everyone warm as the sun slowly dipped. “Dorcas and I made it a couple years back and it caught some attention about 3 years ago and became a landmark” Regulus says, gingerly sitting down and ignoring how his heart sinks as he watches James place a kiss on Lily’s head moment after those lips had been on his.
“That’s actually really sweet,” Pandora says, trying to force a smile. Regulus opens his arms for Pandora to be in just like James had for him, he tries to focus on Pandora and make her feel better, “I just thought It’d be nice to share this place with someone I actually know before I die or forget about it” Regulus mutters, trying his best to uplift the mood. The mood savour unsurprisingly is Evans.
“Before I die, I’d like to have a family” Lilly says out loud as she writes on one of the colourful lines. Sirius shakes his head and stands beside her, “Come one Evans, be a bit more interesting will you?” Sirius says and takes the chalk from her hand before finding his own line and writing it carefully. With the little light left in the sky Regulus can just about make out his swooping letters, he whispers them along with his brother.
“Je veux que tu trouves l'amour, petite étoile” Sirius whispers
“I want you to find love, little star” Regulus repeats slowly, as his throat clogs up.
Somehow it seems Pandora’s back to soothing him. Everyone eventually stands up and gets their own chalk, Regulus stays by the fire on a rock and watches as everyone’s only illuminated by the light from the fire . “Come on Reg” Evan calls for him, he sighs before getting up and standing a little behind the group.
“Aren’t you going to write anything?” Remus asks him, standing beside him and a cigarette in his hand, Regulus shrugs, turning back to the slowly filling up wall. “This was our thing, you know? After a bad week or a bad day, we’d escape our lives and come here together. We’d write what we wanted, I never had to pretend around her, she was my sweet escape from this fucked up world” Regulus doesn’t mention the other times.
The times where Dorcas was there when no one else was, he almost thinks it was a blessing she left, at least noone knows how royally fucked up he is now. “It seems wrong without her” he whispers and wipes away his tears. She never liked you. A voice taunts in his head, but late at night when the whole world is quiet Regulus wonders too. She was his everything and he thought it was a mutual thing but after she left – No goodbye or anything, Regulus doubts if they were ever friends.
“Sorry” Regulus says, he walks back to the fire and sits down. He pulls out his phone and opens Dorcas contact
Cas (#smarter) <3
(Photo attached)
Before I die….
I want to see my best friend.
Come back Cas <3
Regulus doesn’t expect an answer, he doesn't know why he did it actually because now his heart just feels heavy, he knows Dorcas will never answer because he knows her and answering would be like caving, Regulus just hopes he’s worth it.
His phone rings a second later and he’s overjoyed to see Dorcas name, but when he picks it up his heart chatters all over again. “Never talk to me again” Dorcas says and Regulus would taunt her for the badly hidden anger in her voice but it’s directed to him so he can’t really taunt her for it. “Cas” he tries but he hears a sob on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry” Dorcas says “I love you” Regulus replies. In his 17 years he’s only ever been able to say that to 2 people.
Dorcas sobs on the other end and the line cuts, Regulus wonders if he’ll ever say it again, wonders if he’ll ever again open up the way he did with Dorcas. He hides himself in his knees trying to make himself smaller as he cries, cries and cries, he does it quietly, quietly like how he came into this world. Quietly as he does everything and quietly as he leaves it.