Chapter 1
There are notebooks full, full of notes doodles recipes, poems; illustrations of love, ink soaked pages full of admiration. Small ink platter where Remus had pressed too hard on the quill, small in smudges where he’d dragged the sleeve of his robe over a particularly detailed sketch of Sirius in his casual clothes, a small section in the back of the book, full of pressed daisies from the daisy chain Sirius and James had made in the spring.
The notebook was soaked to the brim with Remus’s admiration, love and unrequited devotion to Sirius, a part of his heat that he allowed to be shown through intricate strokes of his quill, the script of his heart melted into the page.
And it was missing, it was not in his book bag? where he always kept it, he couldn’t find it anywhere. His heart was beating out of his chest, it was dangerous in anyone else’s hands, all his devotion was spilled into the pages and it threatened to ooze into the gossip-filled halls of Hogwarts.
He retraced his steps, carefully looking over the library and the Great Hall, seeing if he could see it on a table, or in someone’s hands.
He searched for what felt like eons for the secret part of his heart, until he finally decided to retire to bed, hoping to find the notebook tomorrow in one of his classes.
As he opens the door to the dorm, to only see Sirius, and the notebook.
Time freezes for a moment, as it seems like the whole world is about to cave in, the pages full of Remus's heart, blood that had flowed directly from his heart, and through to the veins of the page now lay bare for Sirius to see. Remus felt nude, all secrets exposed, the poems and sketches and the memories that are saved within those pages were now in the hands of someone who would ultimately taint them forever, not allowing him to feel the innocence of his obsessions again.
Remus just stared, waiting for the pin to drop, waiting for the anvil to come down and for the realisation to hit Sirius about his tragic obsession and to lose a feeling and a friend in one motion. He now couldn't silently observe, instead bound to loudly obsess, that one person who cannot be calm in any situation, the obsessed, the tragic, the queer there to kill the friend, to ruin the group, to kill the heart.
Sirius was still silent, slowly looking from a particularly romantic poem, to try and meet Remus's eyes, and he had a look, almost unreadable, the calm before the storm, circling grey, pupils dilated in the low-lights almost making him seem vulnerable, but Remus knew that Sirius wasn’t naïve, he wasn't vulnerable, he was smart, he knew what this book meant, and he knew why Remus had froze next to the door.
"Wait Remus", Sirius whispered, "Please don't go, I'm not mad I promise."
“What do you mean your not mad, you should be, you should be upset and angry!” Remus screamed out, all the emotion of the day coming out at once, “You don’t have to pity me.”
“Remus, I-”
“No, you don’t get to go and try and make this okay, we both know this isn’t okay, none of this is okay…” Remus takes a deep breath, he is on the verge of tears, and about to breakdown, “You must be thick or something to think that anything you say right now would make any of this okay, I’m disgusting I know, you don’t have to pity me for it.”
Sirius was starting to see red, “Right Remus, shut the fuck up for one second and let me speak, because for some reason, it hasn’t clicked in your head for a second that this now involves me as well.”
Remus just stared, fearful.
“Right um, now you will actually listen,” Sirius sighed deeply, “One, I really don’t think you are disgusting, feelings are feelings and it would be very hypocritical to judge you for being queer, and two, you don’t get to throw your little pity party onto me and say I would say all that, when I wouldn’t, and if you actually think I would, then you don’t know me as well as I thought.”
Sirius was out of breath, eyes welling with tears of frustration, face identical to Remus, frustrated, terrified, and stuck, can’t leave but can’t stay. It was like a vacuum had been put around them, the night sky gleaming through the curtains, illuminating their faces, but that didn’t matter because all they could see was what they most wished and most feared.
Remus chose anger, “What the fuck! What the actual fuck are you on about? You want to pity me, too scared to be angry right now” He shouted, “I’m dangerous and diseased, I know…”
Tears well in his eyes, threatening to overflow and drop down his face, he wants to escape, to run until his legs fail, how could Sirius act this way, as if this is no big deal, as if this wasn’t the end of what was.
“Right…, this is insulting,” Sirius’s eyes turned cold, “You can’t stand there and expect me to believe all the bullshit, that you’re diseased? Fucking bullshit, insulting bullshit. And do you know what the worst part is? You don’t listen, I told you and you didn’t hear. So wrapped up feeling sorry that your sappy little diary was found by the one person who understands, but you didn’t listen to that, you can’t hear anything because I have this one thing.” Sirius waves the journal in the air, petals flowing from a couple pages and scattering on the bed.
Remus was stunned, silent for once.
“And you know what,” Sirius stands up, getting close to Remus’s face, “This is what I have always wanted, someone who knows me, knows my brain, my thoughts, my actions, why wouldn’t you want that?”
Remus stays quiet, his face morphing slowly from fear, softening slightly.
Sirius points his finger into Remus’s chest, “Also you saying your diseased, that’s so insulting, because that makes me diseased as well.” Tears start to fall down his cheeks, “And I don’t want to be diseased..” he finally says quietly.
Sirius sighs, eyes cold,“Right I’m sick of this bullshit Remus, here’s your fucking special book.” Sirius slams the journal in the centre of Remus’s chest, just over his heart, ”Do me a favour and get over yourself, yeah?”, and he finally walking out the room; leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.
“that makes me diseased as well…”
“that makes me diseased as well…”
“diseased as well…”