Tuesday 27th June 1978.
Regulus’ Pov-
Regulus is feeling incredibly groggy.
And he hates it.
He supposes it makes sense, what with having been in a coma for a week, and then waking up to immediately being confronted and supreme levels of stress in knowing that his brother- whom he wants to protect, and James- who he hasn’t spoken to in months, have both been let in on his biggest secret.
The one he was trying to protect them from, keep them safe from.
Along with all the above, he hasn’t been seen in a week, he has missed all his lessons, he still has horcruxes to find, and getting out of bed has started causing him pain.
Pandora did offer pain relief potions and all the above, apparently desperate to make him more comfortable, but he merely denied them.
He is used to handling pain without potions, it was his childhood- it “built character”.
And besides, he has only just completed the potentially easiest task he is going to be faced with in the near future, and that sent him in a coma.
If things go as he predicts they will then he will need plenty of pain potions, healing draughts, and any other type of medicinal potions to merely survive.
So he doesn’t want to start building a tolerance to them too early.
No, whilst there is no imminent threat and he can handle being slightly weak, he will merely recover the muggle way.
And then, when inevitably everything goes south, he will finally indulge in the pain relief he has been denied for years.
Until then, he will simply force himself out of bed so he can drag himself to classes.
Barty and Evan currently have no clue that he hasn’t been in their dorm for a week, he had enough forethought before the chamber to spell his curtains shut, and Pandora- the lovely person she is, made sure to feed them lies about him being taken ill and too stubborn to go to Madam Pomphrey.
How easily they seemed to have believed that is clearly a testament to his character in regards to seeking help and handling pain.
In the sense that he doesn’t- do either.
“Reg, you’re alive!” comes a yell from across the room as he emerges from behind the curtains of the bed that seems to have been locked tight for a week.
He did return to his room last night- despite Pandas protests that she wanted to keep an eye on him- but instead of greeting his roommates, he simply decided to hide behind the curtains and avoid facing anyone till the next morning.
But now that he needs to be up and returning to lessons, he finally has to face Barty and Evan, and apparently simply accepting his illness isn’t an option given the look in Evans eyes as Regulus finally turns his head.
“Obviously.” He replies with a roll to his eyes
“Where have you been?” Evan asks, concern clouding his features, as he stalks over slightly closer to Regulus’ bed.
“Ill.” He answers simply, he isn’t going to go into a long rant about pathetic excuses and annoying anecdotes, that is a skill for people like his brother who want people to know they are lying to employ.
“Ill?” It’s Barty this time, the previous grin on his face falling quickly, “You’re never ill.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, everyone gets ill.” Regulus replies as he begins to make his bed without using his wand- it’s more soothing that way, and he can avoid the imploring gazes of his two friends.
“Yes, yes they do. But most people go to the hospital wing, or lay in bed-“
“Like I have been?” he asks, finally looking towards his two friends one eyebrow raised.
“Yes.”
“So what is the problem?”
“That you have been acting like sane people.”
“So let me get this straight,” Regulus starts, fully turning his body to address the other two boys, “I act normal, and that is a cause for concern?”
“Yes.” They both respond immediately, in perfect unison- almost rehearsed.
“Right.” He responds slowly before turning back to his bed to root out his bag from underneath it so he can sort through it and make sure he has the right books.
“Has any homework been set?” he continues to ask, choosing to ignore the ever growing concern on his two friends faces as he starts to rifle through the contents of his bag.
“You don’t know?” comes Evans disbelieving voice.
“No?” he responds in almost matching levels of confusion, “I haven’t been to classes?” he says, but it comes out as more of a question, he is starting to question his own memory at this point, he doesn’t know why the other two are so confused.
“You took a week of class-“ Barty starts.
“I was ill.”
“- and you didn’t owl the teachers requesting the work?” he continues, completely ignoring Regulus’ statement, the disbelief on his face starting to rival Evans.
“No.”
“Ok, what the fuck is going on Reg?” Barty asks, snapping slightly, but the anger in his voice is undercut by the crease of concern in his brows.
“Nothing, I wasn’t well so I didn’t ask for the work, I’ve barely been conscious enough to check in on anything.”
“What were you ill with?” Evans voice cuts in.
“I don’t know, but it wasn’t good.” He responds semi truthfully, he does know, but it definitely wasn’t good.
“Reg-“ Evan tries, but Regulus quickly cuts him off.
“We’re going to be late to breakfast.” He states, quickly diverting the conversation, before shouldering his bag and walking off as quick as he can without running towards the great hall.
Within a minute the two boys are chasing up to him from behind, thankfully dropping the topic.
At least for now.
When he finally settles down at the Slytherin table in the great hall, he is famished.
He supposes not eating for a week will do that to you.
But as he starts piling up considerably more food on his plate than usual- at least judging by the way Evan and Barty are eyeing up is plate- he feels a tingle on the back of his neck, almost like a sixth sense warning him someone is watching him.
He supposes it makes sense, growing up he always felt like he needed eyes in the back of his head, so a sixth sense was helpful enough.
He has heard people talk about it before, apparently it is a common experience, but he can’t help but feel his might be more- experienced- than other peoples, especially considering it was certainly more necessary where he grew up.
When he was younger and had the advantage of knowing when people were looking at him, he used the extra information to keep out of trouble. It was almost a type of self-preservation measure the brothers used to survive. But as Sirius got older- got sorted into Gryffindor, it started looking like he used it for the opposite effect- as if he was using the knowledge that someone was looking as a sign to start acting up, to get in trouble, to cause problems.
Regardless, after everything he has been through, he has learnt not to ignore that itching feeling under his skin, so the second he feels it, he lifts his eyes up and away from his plate before immediately detecting where they eyes are coming from.
Eyes not as a simple pair, but as 3 sets.
Pandora, James and Sirius all seem to be staring him down with varying expressions on their faces.
Pandoras is mimicking guilt, along with that look one may attribute to a nanny keeping an eye out on the child they consider ‘a runner’.
James simply looks concerned, and another look on his face. Longing? Regulus isn’t sure for what, but it seems pretty clear that he has it.
Sirius however, neither looks apologetic or concerned, nor is the undercurrent of anger Regulus expected clear in his expression, instead his face is lined with determination, and for many reasons- some of which Regulus can’t place, that makes him very concerned.
As quick as his hunger overtook him, it quickly vanishes, leaving a pool of guilt in its place to fill the void where the food is missing.
He quickly pushes his plate away from him, making eye contact again with Pandora from across the hall before quickly exiting through the main doors, mumbling something about not being hungry to a confused Evan and Barty.
And if he had spared even a moment to look at their faces, he would’ve seen they don’t believe him.
Once he exits the great hall, he lingers in the entryway for a moment or two, before out of his peripheral he can see a flurry of white blonde hair come through the doors and he is rushing forward to her, grabbing her wrist and dragging her away to the furthest corner he can find where he still has a view of the hall.
“You ok Reg?” Pandora asks, concern clouding her features, he wants to bristle at the nickname, he isn’t in the mood for some semblance of concern when, as of last night- and based on the look across the hall- his brother may start to do something dumb and get in trouble, but he can’t bring himself to ever fully loose it at Pandora.
“Perfectly fine.” He responds haphazardly to assuage her worries so they can get to the point, but based on her face- she doesn’t believe him.
“Reg.” she tries, raising an eyebrow in a way that is probably meant to resemble some sort of authority over Regulus, but it fails terribly.
“Panda.” He responds, giving away nothing, despite the slight twinge in his side as he moves them further into the corner.
“You didn’t eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten in a week.”
“Yeah well, I’ve been in a coma.”
“Reg.”
“Panda, what were you talking to them about last night?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t do this, what were you talking about.”
And Pandora softens slightly. Everyone thinks she’s just this sweet girl but she’s more, she is strong and stubborn and fiercely protective, so her actually softening towards him when she is trying to hide something says something.
It says the same thing it says when Regulus softens for her.
They bring out the weaknesses in each other, Pandora calls it love, but with the extent she can cause Regulus to lower his guard around her, he is pretty sure it is a weakness.
It’s pretty clear after all. Regulus never wanted to tell her about the horcruxes, but she makes him weak.
He remembers the day he told her, it was only two months ago, but the memory is sketched so vividly into his memory he thinks he will never forget it.
“Our parents want us to join the death eaters.” Pandora utters into the previously comfortable silence of the Slytherin boys dorm room.
“Dora.” Evan responds, just her name- but giving her a meaningful look all the while.
“I’m not going to.”
“Dora.” Evan says slightly louder this time.
“Panda?” Regulus asks, he doesn’t know why she bought this up, well he does- war is everywhere, they could only avoid it for so long, but still, why now?
“Are you going to join the Order then?” Dorcas asks, hope glinting in her eyes, as confusion crosses Evan and Bartys.
“The order?” Barty asks.
“It’s a resistance, Dumbledore is leading it.”
“Isn’t that meant to be secretive?” Regulus asks, because he thinks he has heard whispers of this order from the Gryffindor 7th years last year, and he remember Sirius muttering about it too, about protection, back when he was trying to convince Regulus to leave.
And well, if it is meant to be secretive, they aren’t doing a very good job.
“Yes and no. People obviously know there is a resistance, and that Dumbledore is leading it. If there wasn’t I think people would be more suspicious.”
“But?” Barty asks.
“But members of it just aren’t meant to be as public with their alliances. They are meant to speak out against Voldemort, but not make it obvious they are part of the resistance, otherwise their missions could get more difficult.”
Everyone goes silent for a moment as Barty, Evan and Regulus all seem to lock eyes, a gnawing suspicion biting at their guts.
“And you have…” Regulus begins, but trails off, not willing to ignore the topic, but not fully ready to question it either.
“I signed up over a week ago.”
Silence falls over the dorm again, but unlike last time, this one isn’t nearly as comfortable, it is the start of enemy lines being drawn.
It is the first time peace has left the dorm, they have always been chaotic and dangerous, and unsafe, but they have never felt uncomfortable. It wasn’t their dynamic.
“Panda?” Dorcas asks when no one speaks. The hope previously shining in her eyes starts to dim and Regulus can practically see her shoulders tightening.
“I’m not going to fight in the war.”
“What?” all four of them manage to ask at the same time, some semblance of their friendship managing to peak through the suffocating air the dorm room has seemingly taken on since Dorcas’ admission.
“I’m not joining the war, I am not going to fight, I am not going to kill. I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t.” Dorcas responds bitterly, and Regulus can see it is taking all her strength and the fact that it is Pandora she is speaking to to not scoff.
“Yes, I mean I won’t.”
“Our side won’t be the ones killing.” Dorcas responds.
“Our.” Regulus hears Barty scoff under his breath, but no one pays him any mind, too focused on the tension in the room that is currently surrounding Pandora.
“You don’t honestly believe that Dorcas?”
“No.” Dorcas admits, slightly softer, before her eyes harden and she continues, “But at least we will be killing the right people.”
“Barty is the right people?” Pandora asks, a slight sadness to her eyes, but allowing no confrontation to seep into her voice, “Regulus is the right people? My brother is the right people?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?” and it’s Evan this time, his voice cracking slightly.
“Well it’s up to you is it not?” Dorcas asks, strength returning to her voice, “The death eaters, the murderers, the blood supremacists are the right people to kill. It’s not up to me if you fall into that category.”
“So you’re just going to kill us?” Barty scoffs straight back, anger starting to lace his tone as he drapes one of his legs over Evan, as if protecting him, as if there is a new found threat in the room in the form of Dorcas.
“Are you just going to kill innocents?”
“No one’s killing anyone.” Evan cuts in, but his voice is shaky.
“Now who’s the delusional one.” Dorcas scoffs right back,
“So you’re just going to kill people who have no choice?” Barty asks, his voice rising even louder as he grips Evans legs tighter with his hand, his eyes darting quickly to Regulus, before flicking back to Dorcas and staring her down.
“Everyone has a choice.”
“Not everyone, haven’t you met their parents?” Barty all but yells, before quickly adding, “Oh no wait, you haven’t, you’re just a half blood.”
“Barty.” Regulus speaks up, finally getting his voice back after losing it to watching the situation unfold in front of him- previously feeling unable to comment.
“No Reg, let him finish,” Dorcas interrupts, never taking her eyes off of Barty, “tell me what you really think.”
“I think you are a selfish, self-centred, piece of shit, who has absolutely no clue what half the people in this room go through.”
“Barty!” and its Evan and Pandora cutting him off this time.
“Oh yeah, no idea?” Dorcas scoffs, “I’m a gay, black, female half blood. I think I know what it is to deal with shitty people.”
“Don’t.” Barty all but growls now.
“Don’t what?”
“Put words in my mouth, I have always supported you, on all of those fronts.”
“Well you aren’t right now, conspiring with the other side of the war.”
“I’m stuck in the fucking middle Dorcas!” Barty screams at this point, abruptly standing up causing Evan to fall to the side, “One of my friends is a target of the death eaters, and the other three will be murdered if they don’t join the death eaters. So fucking sorry if I’m not eagerly jumping to a side of the war which will make me loose half of my friends.”
“Don’t act like this isn’t about your dad, you just want to piss him off.”
“I always want to piss him off, but if falling at his feet would save you all, I would bloody do it. But it won’t, so excuse me if I am not going to turn on my friends.”
“I’m your friend too!” Dorcas screams this time, standing up to meet Barty in the middle of the room, until they are getting into each other’s faces and Regulus, Pandora and Evan are getting up to pull them apart, Pandora grabbing Dorcas, Evan with Barty, and Regulus placing himself in the middle.
Symbolic.
“Then you of all people should understand!” Barty growls back, trying to break out of Evans grip.”
“No, you can do what is right, you can join the order, you can be good.” Dorcas protests, but her voice is getting weaker and more defeated, “You can.”
“Oh yeah?” Barty asks, and apparently the fight has nearly completely left him too as he continues, his voice softer now, “is it better for them to die at their parents hands than yours?? Because they are the choices they have.”
“I don’t accept that.”
“Then you never will.” It’s Evan this time, his voice completely shattered as Barty suddenly goes still in his arms, leaving it so that they are simply embracing instead of struggling.
“Reg?” Dorcas asks, seemingly a last ditch attempt, but from the way she looks at him, he can see the defeat in her eyes, she knows his answer, so he doesn’t give one, and instead watches his friend walk out of the room.
And he wants to scream, beg her to stay, tell her the truth.
But he knows it won’t work, so he just lets her go.
“Panda?” he finally speaks up, and everyone turns to look at him, apparently shocked he is finally speaking up, after having tried to disappear into the background this entire conversation.
“Yeah?” she asks, stilling in place from where she was walking to the door, apparently trying to follow Dorcas.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
“Live my life,” she responds simply, with a sad shrug to her shoulders.
“They’ll kill you.”
“I might as well be dead if I spend my life in hiding Reg.” she responds, moving forward towards him slightly.
“It won’t be your life, just until the war is over.”
“The war has been going on since we were born, I have no faith in it ending.”
“But it could.”
“And I have no intention to go into hiding only to come back into a world where I haven’t seen my friends in years and now they are all dead.”
And from the look in her eyes, he could almost convince himself she knows his plan.
“But-“
“Barty asked what’s better, to die by your parents hand or your friends. Well I add a third option, is it worse to die by your own hand? Personally, I would rather die by the hand that has never made me feel loved, rather than the ones that bought me life. So I will not hide.”
“Ok.”
“Ok?” she asks, a slight scrunch to her eyebrows that he tries to memorise, to fill his mind with, to picture in replacement of the images of her dead body now starting to flood his mind.
“No, not ok!” Evan interrupts here. And for the first time this entire conversation he sounds mad.
“Ev-“ Pandora starts.
“No, no, fuck that no. You are not offering yourself up to bloody death.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.” She tries softly.
“It is what you’re doing, you’re not even trying to stay safe, it’s like your embracing death.”
“If you embrace death, it is a lot less painful than running from it, allowing the adrenaline and fear to fill you up in your final moments.”
“No, no. I’ll join for you, if I join you might not have to.” Evan is rambling now, desperation clouding his features, “You can live, you’ll be fine, I’ll keep you safe.”
“Evan.” Pandora tries again, reaching forward to her brother and cupping his face.
“No, no, I’m not, I won’t, I’m not.” And all of a sudden his breaths are coming in sharper bursts, and his eyes are darting around the room, and Regulus can tell just from looking at them he is lost to them.
“OK, ok, I’ll think about it, we’ll talk on it tomorrow, yeah?”
And Regulus can tell she is simply placating him, but he ignores it for the moment as Evan begins to nod frantically, gripping onto hope, any semblance of possibility, as Barty leads him back to the bed, kneeling in front of him, trying to get his boyfriends breathing under control again.
Finally it feels as though it is just him and Pandora in the room, and looking into her soft eyes, reflecting on how the past 10 minutes spiralled out of control so quickly, how he can still hear Evan having a panic attack, he feels guilt clawing at his skin, pulling it apart like a million tiny little hands.
They’re falling apart because they don’t think they have another option.
Dorcas will be fine, she is joining the good side, her parents won’t kill her for fighting the death eaters, she’s safe.
But Barty and Evan not knowing about is third option puts them in danger of whatever will happen to them when they join the death eaters.
Because they will, he knows they will.
And Pandora, she is just embracing death.
The war has gotten to the point where death seems like the easiest option.
And he can’t even talk her out of it, because he agrees, it would be easiest.
But he can keep her safe, by giving her a third option.
He has knowledge that other people don’t.
He has the knowledge that the war can end.
Pandora could go into hiding without fear that there will never be an option to come out of it.
He can give her hope, a reason to live, a reason to try.
He can do good.
And it’s this that brings him to the decision to let her in on his plan.
“Hey Panda?”
“Yeah?” she asks, her blue eyes already on him, never having left him.
“Can we talk?”
Remembering all that is painful to Regulus, especially when ignoring the tension that has been added to the friend group since, Dorcas still hangs out with them- but it is getting less and less frequent, almost as if she is trying to get used to not having them around, so cutting them off after school will be that much easier.
Regardless, he couldn’t entirely tell if he was grateful of that night, of that push towards telling Pandora the truth, although it has given her the chance to have a life- to embrace death less willingly, it has put her in much more risk in other areas, because- despite Regulus’ best wishes, Pandora refuses to leave him to complete his task by himself.
And now, she has told the one person he wanted to protect most of all. And he doesn’t know what to do.
It’s as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders last night, with another one added immediately after.
As if he can never live without some sort of burden.
But Pandora said something to them last night- when they left the room of requirement, and he needs to know what it was.
“What did you say to them last night.”
“Reg-“
“Panda please.”
“I just told them to try help you.”
He raises an eyebrow in response.
“Honestly Reg, I just told them to help you.
He doesn’t believe that’s it, he doesn’t believe that’s it at all. “Fine.”
“Now can we go back in?” she tries again softly, clearly glad he is dropping the topic, “You should eat.”
“I’m not hungry.” And with that he walks off.
Sirius’ Pov-
Sirius is in a shit mood.
After everything that happened yesterday, this past week, it’s just been too much.
Part of him wishes he never followed James into the greenhouses, never learned what he learned.
He was worried yes, nervous and concerned.
But now he is downright paranoid.
The monster who has been ruining his life, killing people, building armies his entire life, it immortal.
This war is full of good people, strong people who are fighting for a good cause, going head to head with someone who can’t die, someone who no one knows is immortal, and therefore all these people are dying in vain.
They are dying thinking it will make a difference, but it never will, as long as Voldemort has a horcrux, horcruxes (Plural) if Regulus is to be believed, it’s hopeless.
Well it was, it was until Regulus confessed all of this, until Sirius was sat in a room with three other people, the only people, who knew the truth.
Supposedly.
And it makes him feel sick.
He left that side of the war, that house- to help fight for peace, so he didn’t live his life along the lines of prejudices, only to join a side that was doomed from the beginning.
And in saving himself, he left his brother in the hands of not two, but three monsters, one of which is immortal.
Making Regulus’ only chance of survival being to follow Sirius- which he is adamantly against- which Sirius is now learning why, or to die.
He knows which choice his brother would choose.
And it petrifies him.
He wants to tell Dumbledore, wants to tell Effie or Monty, or someone, he wants to save the world, but he wants to remove the burden off his shoulders.
He is a Gryffindor, he has always been ready and prepared to put his life on the line for others, to help others up- whatever it takes.
He has been prepared to fight in this war, to fire spells, stomach the guilt, kill when necessary, risk his life to safe a friend- or even a stranger.
He is not prepared to delve into the mind of a monster, to figure out his plan, his life force and track them down.
He is restless, not cunning.
No, those traits lie with a Slytherin, they lie with his brother.
His brother who embodies the Slytherin ways- not through evil and prejudice, but through cunning and planning.
Through the adaptation to environments.
Sirius rebelled, he stuck up for what he believed was right, he fought to protect his brother- that was his role, the protector, the rebel, the Gryffindor.
Regulus was quiet, he adapted young, he moulded himself into something- adapted himself, until he was able to camouflage and fall into the background.
Despite the apparent desire to throw himself into dangerous situations, his brother does have self-preservation instincts, he just seems to pick and choose when they are benefitting to him.
Sirius always thought his quietness was that of self-preservation too.
He learns now its not.
Being quiet, is cunning.
People will talk, be careless around you- you will learn things, such as horcruxes.
Being quiet stops punishments, stopping punishments stops other people from taking them from you.
He was protecting Sirius, he was learning secrets big enough to end the war.
Sirius always considered his brother a coward, but he may the bravest of them all, he sacrificed who he was to protect his brother, to gain an advantage.
He could’ve easily fallen into Voldemort’s ranks, he was safe there.
He chose instead to defy an immortal, evil wizard.
His brother has been protecting him, protecting everyone, all along.
The thought makes Sirius sick.
When they finally left Regulus last night- heading to Dumbledores meeting, thoughts whirring through his mind, Sirius found himself reluctant.
Regulus didn’t trust this man.
Sirius did.
Sirius hadn’t trusted Regulus’ judgments.
He was learning he was wrong.
It’s not that one meeting with his brother after he woke up from a week long coma Sirius barely knew he was in would turn him against Dumbledore, especially considering Regulus didn’t even give a reason for the lack of trust.
It was simply that he trusted his brother more.
More than anyone.
Most people, James and Remus could compete, yes.
But Regulus was also the most important person in the world to Sirius, and after everything- he would do anything he could to keep him safe.
After all, Regulus doesn’t seem very inclined to save himself.
So Sirius must do it,
Simple.
Regardless, he didn’t want to go to the meeting with Dumbledore, he wanted to process- he wanted to plan, he wanted Remus.
He wanted to know what Pandora meant when she said they would have to betray Regulus to save him.
It didn’t seem fair, but it also seemed right.
After all, it’s what he always did as a child.
Regulus would beg him, plead with him, not to take another curse on his behalf, and Sirius would always agree, if only to stop the tears.
Of course, when the punishment actually came around, Sirius never stuck to his word.
It got to the point where Regulus just stopped asking.
But how could he betray him this time, Regulus wants him as far away from this mess as possible- of course Sirius would never do that, but how is he supposed to force his help onto his brother other than just constantly showing up and annoying his brother into acceptance?
So, he went into that meeting with his head in the clouds, running through a million different outrageous ideas of how to protect Regulus to the point where he didn’t take in a single word Dumbledore was saying, only slightly coming back into his own head long enough for James to drag him back to the dorm room so he could go to sleep.
Not that he did, he was tossing and turning all night.
But the illusion of rest helped… probably.
The next morning after he manages to drag himself through the motions of getting dressed and packing his bag to get down to the main hall for breakfast, he is only briefly pulled back into his own head slightly when he finally spots his brother again from across the room.
He watches his little brother as he settles down at the table, and helping himself to plentiful piles of food on his plate, or at least he was, until he suddenly looks up and locks eyes with Sirius from across the hall, his eyes then immediately flick to the end of the Ravenclaw table, before continuing to bounce back and forth a few times, before he finally gets up and rushes out of the hall not a bite of food on his plate touched.
Sirius quickly goes to raise himself from the table to follow, before there is a hand on his arm holding him down sending him a meaningful glance.
James.
Of course, he can’t follow his brother, he can’t be seen with his brother, that was there deal, that was what was safe.
He has to watch as his brother loses himself, falling into compliance and giving into the whims of psychopaths and murderers, and he can’t step in for a second, because he’s not a fucking death eater.
Because he’s good, he chose to be fucking good.
Except, his brother is a death eater.
And he is arguably doing the best deed in the entirety of the wizarding world right now.
Huh…
A new plan starts to form in his mind, one of stupidity and danger, one he wants to do so badly and not at all.
So he stays, he stays at his table with his friends, and tries to enjoy his breakfast, before whispering to Remus as they all head to their first class to meet him at lunch.
“Hey?” comes a beautifully soft yet somehow gravelly voice from behind him, causing Sirius to turn around.
“Helloooo, my beautiful moony.” Sirius replies, reaching up behind him and gripping onto Remus in a tight embrace, probably too tight for how recent the last moon was.
“Is something up?” Remus asks, confusion still littering his voice, now mixed with concern probably stemming from the too long, too tight hug.
“Perfectly fine my darling moons.”
“Ok.” His face looks unconvinced, “What did you call me here for?”
“Do I need a reason to call on my gentleman suitor?” Sirius pouts, which is severely undermined by the smirk peeking through.
“Gentleman suitor? What are we from, the 1800s?”
“No, obviously not or else we would’ve both been imprisoned.”
“Right?”
“No we are merely two happy love birds, a moon and a star hung high in the sky, together for eternity no matter what happens to their earthy counterparts.”
“Right...” he starts again, confusion and amusement littering his features, “so what are we doing?”
“I thought we could just hang out, me and you.”
“So a date?” Remus asks, smirking himself now.
“No, how dare you insinuate such a thing, a date with me is magnificent, it’s being picked up from the dorm room-“
“The dorm room we share?” Remus questions, the smirk on his face only growing.
“With flowers,” Sirius continues, ignoring the interruption, “And chocolates, and a surprise mystery location filled with floating candles.”
“Ah my mistake, I do apologise.”
“Good.” Sirius grins back in response, his face getting so wide it hurts.
“So shall we walk?”
“Yes we shall.” Sirius responds, taking Remus’ arm when offered and beginning to walk at Remus pace around the grounds of the castle, until they need to return for their next lessons, of which they have different ones. But that doesn’t stop Sirius from walking Remus to his classroom door, not a care in the world of whether or not he is late to his own, James will save him a seat.
He is late.
And James did save him a seat.
A grin quickly works its way back onto his face, as he quickly plops him down next to James, winking overdramatically when the professor turns from the front of the room to scowl at him upon his late entrance.
“Where were you?” James whispers.
“Dropping Moony to class.”
“Isn’t he on the other side of the castle?” James laughs, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Aren’t I late?” is all Sirius responds, before James turns back to his work and they both fall silent for all of five minutes.
“What happened this morning?” comes James’ voice from his right, and it is laced with, not curiosity, but rather concern.
“What?” Sirius responds, playing it cool- James can’t know, unless he has been put under some spell to start saying his thoughts out loud unknowingly- thinking about it that would make a good prank if it didn’t feel so invasive.
“This morning after Regulus left the hall?”
“I don’t know, you wouldn’t let me follow him.”
“I didn’t ask what happened with Regulus, I asked what happened with you.”
“What?” Sirius asks again blankly, not sure what else to offer as he feels his heart begin to speed up in his chest.
“I saw you at breakfast, your mind was gone completely, had been since last night, and then all of a sudden your eyes went clear and you started joking again.”
“Nothing happened.”
“That’s not true.”
“Maybe you don’t know what you saw.”
“I’m not the only one who noticed you were acting weird, I’m just the only one who knew why, so what’s going on.”
“It doesn’t concern you.”
“I beg to differ, if it concerns you, it concerns me.”
“It concerns Regulus not me, therefore, not your business.” Sirius responds, attempting to add a note of finality to his tone.
“So you admit something happened”?
“No-“ he feels trapped, “What? James- no.”
“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“Yes you do, you need as much help as you can get, and considering Regulus is involved I don’t think you’ll be allowed to get more help. You are stuck with me and Pandora, so talk to me.”
“No, you’re good James, I’m not- I won’t drag you into this.”
James goes silent for a minute, something clouding over his face before he finally responds.
“Ah.”
“What do you mean ah?”
“After class.” Is all James offers in response.
“What?”
“After-“ James emphasises, “class.” And then he goes silent for the rest of the lesson.
When the bell finally rings, he quickly grabs Sirius’ arm, rushing out of the class before anyone is dismissed, and drags them both into one of the nearest secret tunnels they found in 2nd year.
“You’re joining them aren’t you?”
“What?”
“The death eaters.”
And Sirius freezes, he just freezes, that’s all he does, and as James continues to talk it all becomes white noise.
How could he know? how could he possibly know?
He hasn’t spoken to anyone, let alone Regulus, Pandora told him to save his brother, told him that to do it, he had to betray him.
He finally understood what she meant this morning, after pondering on it all night he figured it out.
The only way in, was through the door he ran out of all those months ago.
Going back to his routes.
He could pop up wherever Regulus goes, but that wouldn’t stop Regulus from turning him away again and again.
His existence in Regulus’ life is risk enough with them being on the opposite sides of the war, without even bringing the horcruxes into question.
But the Death eaters, that could work.
Regulus couldn’t push him away without bringing doubt to Sirius’ loyalty, and doing so would sign Sirius’ death sentence, which is one thing Regulus would never do.
He could keep an eye on Regulus, talk to him, protect him, all the while hunting horcruxes.
And he wouldn’t even have to feel bad about joining the side that goes against all his morals for his brother, because he would be helping his actual side of the war more than anyone.
It would all work.
“That’s why you’ve been acting so normal isn’t it?” James’ voice filters its way back into his mind, breaking his train of thought?
“What?”
“That’s why you switched so quickly this morning, you wanted to act normal before you cut us all out of your lives.” James face looks sad for only a moment before he schools it under control and ends up looking determined instead.
Guilt pools in Sirius’ stomach.
“I can’t exactly be friends with order members if I’m going to do this.”
“No you’re right, we can’t.”
Ice runs downs Sirius’ spine. “What?”
“I’m coming with you.”
“No one will believe you?”
“If they can believe you’ve turned, they can believe me.”
“I come from those people, it’s much more plausible.”
“You made a big show of abandoning them, if anything you rejoining is more questionable than me joining in the first place.”
“James, I don’t want to lose you.”
James’ face softens ever so slightly, his compassion clouding his argument- he wouldn’t survive a day in the death eaters. “You won’t.”
“I don’t want to risk you.” Sirius pleads, his desperation leaking through, cracking his voice.
“That’s not up to you, just like it isn’t up to Regulus if you risk yourself.”
“But he’s my brother.”
“And am I not yours?”
Sirius doesn’t have an answer to that, so he just goes silent.
“I have a plan. But we need to do this together.” James starts again, eyes filled with determination as he settles his gaze firmly on Sirius.
“We can’t tell Regulus.” Sirius watches as James hesitates, “James.”
“Fine.” He sighs and pulls his glasses off, running a hand down his face, “Just listen.”
James’ Pov-
“No.”
“You haven’t even heard me out!”
“No.”
James sighs before springing forward as Regulus turns around to walk away.
“Just wait,” he hurries to catch up, stepping in front of the other boy to block his path, “wait.”
“Wait for what Potter,” Regulus practically sneers- but it doesn’t work on James any more, he knows this boy isn’t bad, well he always has known really, but this time it’s a fact, “For you to explain some idiotic plan that will get you, me and my brother killed? No, I don’t want to hear it.”
“Glad I’m part of your worries.”
“You are not part of my worries, but considering you and Sirius are practically joined at the hip, I’m not quite sure that if one of you dies the other wont, and I’d rather my brother didn’t die until all of this was over.”
“We’re not going to die,” James lets out another sigh at this, “I have a plan, if you’ll just listen to it-“
“No.” and he starts to walk off again, but James catches up again easily.
“What do you not understand about the word no Potter?”
“I understand plenty, I know that it is to be accepted and headed without hesitation.”
“Well then, head my no.”
“Except,” James drawls out, “when acknowledging the no is going to get someone killed.”
“I am not going to get killed.”
“What do you call the bloody Chamber then?”
“A minor miscalculation.”
“A minor miscalculation!” James sputters, fury coursing through him, how does this boy just not seem to care about what happens to him, he was in a coma for a week!
“Yes, a think you’ll find that it could’ve went a lot worse.”
“Yeah it could’ve.” James admits, but his face is burning, “If I hadn’t shown up.”
“You think of yourself so highly Potter.”
“You were bleeding out!”
“Pandora had it handled.”
“SHE DIDN’T HAVE A WAND!” James practically screams, and Regulus goes quiet, his eyes darting away from James’ for a moment before landing back on his face again.
A crack. Regulus must have forgotten about that, James can’t really be mad at him, he doesn’t know what happens to one’s mind after being in a coma for a week.
“Well thank you.”
“What?”
“I said thank you, you pointed out the singular flaw in my plan, and I can rectify is for next time.” At that he begins to walk away, “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
“Excuse you,” James responds baffled before chasing after Regulus again, it feels like all he’s been doing, “You nearly died, and you minimise it down to a singular flaw.”
“Yes.”
“Do you care so little for your own life?”
Regulus freezes, only for a split second, but it’s enough to make his heart clench.
He doesn’t care, and his façade broke at the question, as if he wasn’t expecting it, as if he’d never been asked it before, as if no one cared to know whether Regulus really wants to be here.
“Of course I care Potter, but it is irrelevant to this discussion.”
“If you cared, you wouldn’t call it irrelevant.”
“It is not a thing I need to acknowledge as it will not come to that,” lies James’ mind hisses at him, “But since you seem so concerned for some reason, let me just say this,” and Regulus is stepping forward backing James into a wall as he hisses in his face- this is starting to become a pattern, “If you join the death eaters, nobody will believe you, you will get yourself killed. So for all of your talk about me caring about my life, why don’t you reflect on keeping your own safe. And if that doesn’t work, just think about what they will do to Sirius, someone who betrayed them twice, and decide whether you are willing to risk him for me.”
“If I join I can keep him safe.”
“Again with the lack of care for your own life, you’re starting to seem a bit hypocritical, no?”
I do care, I do, James can’t help but think- he just cares about his friends lives more, but that’s normal is it not?
“Regardless, this plan is stupid.” Regulus continues when James doesn’t speak.
“Who do you think came up with it?”
“What?”
“Sirius. Sirius came up with it.”
“Then talk him out of it.” Regulus hissed.
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” Regulus snaps, clearly exasperated at this point.
“Because it was my plan too.”
“What?”
“We both left that meeting with Dumbledore yesterday,” Regulus scowls at the name, “And started thinking of how to help you, we came to the same conclusion when we next spoke of it.”
“Not surprising, Lily always said you shared the same braincell.” Regulus scoffs looking away, and James thinks he would smile if the situation wasn’t so dire.
“Lily?” he asks, he knew the two used to be close, he just didn’t know how close.
“Why are you trying to help me anyway?”
“I-“
“And don’t say Sirius, because we both know if this was to protect him you’d be running in the opposite direction dragging him behind you.”
“Sirius loves you.”
“Ah.”
“What ah?” James asks, jogging to keep up as Regulus starts walking away again, blatantly avoiding eye contact.
“Always the little brother.” Regulus mumbles, before sending a swift stinging jinx at James, stunning him into stillness as he watches the younger boys retreating form.
Well, James thinks, his resolve strengthening tenfold, Regulus doesn’t need to know the plan for it to work, and he turns of to find Sirius.
Later, when lessons are over, he finds himself walking alongside Lily, it could be coincidence, but he has the sneaking suspicion that she sought him out.
“Hello.” Comes her soft voice to his right as they make their way up towards the Gryffindor tower.
“Hi?” he asks in response, it’s not that he isn’t happy to see her, it’s just that he knows Lily- and he knows there is something he is missing out on here.
“I was wondering if we might have a word?”
“Always, what’s up?”
“I wanted to talk about the meeting last night.”
James tenses slightly at the reminder, but quickly forces his shoulders to relax and his voice to stay calm as he responds.
“What about it?”
“It was rather awkward, don’t you think?” Lily hedges, clearly waiting for his response, his agreement before she gets to the point.
Lily isn’t the kind to beat around the bush, she is very quick and efficient, so the fact that she is doing so now only makes him more curious for what could be going on.
He also remembers last night’s meeting, clearly. He did not say a single word to the man, and neither did anyone else until the end of the meeting, it was all very odd, and he can’t help the feeling in his gut that Lily orchestrated it that way.
“Yeah, pretty quiet.” He agrees warily, unsure where this is going, but desperate to learn.
He feels as though this is all coming up to a big ask, maybe Lily needing something, which she never does, making the feeling all the more weird in James’ stomach. Especially considering the fact that he would usually drop anything for anyone, especially those he loves.
But he gets the feeling this is about Dumbledore, and if she asks for his support towards him, he doesn’t know what he will do.
Well he does, it’s all part of his plan, he just doesn’t want to abandon Lily in the process.
You’re abandoning her either way, the horrible part of his brain whispers, and James shudders at the pure truth in his thoughts, before forcing himself back into the conversation.
He loves Lily, he can keep her safe, but he can no longer drop anything for her, for everyone, he has to prioritise.
And he is prioritising Sirius, and by default Regulus, and even to an extent Pandora.
“Why was that?” Lily asks, her questioning gaze boring into James’ soul, he looks away.
Wow he needs to get better at hiding stuff if this is going to work, Regulus is right.
So, he steels himself and meets her glance head on, diverting the question back to her, “I don’t know why was it?”
“You didn’t say a word in that meeting James.”
“Neither did you.”
“I have my reasons.”
“As do I.”
“What are they?”
“What are yours?”
They pause, both looking at each other having reached a stalemate, going round in circles, neither of them giving anything up.
But then Lily takes a breath, “I don’t intend to join the order.”
And what?
The confusion much show on his face, because Lily sighs and stills her walking, pulling him into a little alcove.
“I don’t trust Dumbledore, and I don’t want to follow him into this war.”
“Then what-“ James’ face falls, surely she cant mean the death eaters, they’re after muggles.
As if reading his face Lily swats him on the arm, “Don’t be daft, I am not joining those bigots, and even if I wanted to, I don’t think my blood is exactly good enough for them.” She scowls and James grimaces in response.
“Shit Lils, you’re right I’m sorry i-“
“No, don’t apologise, that’s not what I want.”
“Then wha-“
“Why were you silent at that meeting yesterday.”
James hesitates, he can’t tell Lily anything, can he?
He doesn’t want to endanger her or risk Regulus or Sirius, not that he thinks Lily is a threat, but the more people who know the worse.
And even if Lily kept her mouth shut, which James has every faith in her to do, there is no doubt in his mind she would want to help.
She would get hurt.
He already can’t save Sirius from this fate.
He wants to but he can’t, because Sirius has all the information, and beyond obliviating him, there is no way to stop him chasing after Regulus into the snake pit.
But he can keep Lily in the dark.
But he also wants to give her something, their friendship will shatter soon- she doesn’t know it, but he doesn’t want it to happen a moment sooner than possible.
So he can give her a truth, a half truth.
“I’m not going to join the order either.” James confesses, keeping his eyes glued to Lilys face, looking for any reaction, any anything.
“Well what are you going to do.”
This is a moment, a moment he could tell her everything, tell her he is joining the death eaters, the plan to make it believable, he could beg for forgiveness and understanding and help in his task, or he could ensure that Lily starts hating him now, start the lie earlier, give him more time to do it.
He finds he can’t do either, his voice lodges in his throat before he manages to get out a stuttered, “I don’t know.”
Lily looks at him with suspicion, before her face settles into one of determination instead, clearly choosing her trust, her faith in James, over the gnawing that must be happening in her gut at James’ suspicious behaviour right now.
“I have an offer.” She starts, hedging, looking for something in his face, interest, guilt?
He doesn’t know, it must be big if she is this hesitant to share, yet this eager.
“Ok?” James asks, confusion littering his voice, and he hopes it is better than interest, interest could be miscommunicated as having ill intentions, trying to steal information.
But isn’t that what he might end up doing anyway?
No, no, he won’t, he refuses.
But if its Sirius on the line?
If its Voldemort looking into his head?
He suddenly decides he doesn’t want this information, this leverage.
He doesn’t want anything over Lily, anything he may, one day, be desperate enough to use.
He starts walking again, forcing Lily to catch up.
He would feel bad, but there is just a loop of get out, get out, out, out, out going through his head that keeps him walking.
“I’m fine, thanks though Lils.” He says shakily, carefully avoiding her gaze, and he feels the guilt, and the dread, and the anxiety pooling up and around him, trying to break him apart.
“James?” Lily questions, trying to catch up still as James does not relent his pace.
“I don’t want to be in this war Lily, I don’t want to know.”
He keeps walking, rushing away, even as he feels Lily stopping behind him, that’s good, good, he can get away.
Guilt, guilt, guilt starts chanting in his head.
“You really expect me to believe that?” her voice is cold, and it stops James in his tracks turning to look at her, where she is still stood stopped 5 paces behind him.
Her eyes are soft, and it sends guilt, confusion and longing running through his body, he just wants to confess, he doesn’t want to hurt people.
Even if it is emotionally, to James that is just as bad.
He tries to steel himself, to hold her gaze, put on a blank mask he has seen Sirius wear a few times over the years when things got really bad, the mask Regulus always wears.
He can’t tell if its working, but he sees Lily hesitate, and he isn’t sure what is on his face, but he immediately doesn’t like it.
“James Potter, arrogant asshole, who still continues to comfort first years, egotistical idiot who defends everyone of a different blood status to him, James Potter-“ she starts walking forward at this point, her eyes their own kind of steal, “pure blood in Gryffindor, son of Effie and Monty,” James flinches there, “James Potter, who has always stood up for what he believes in, stood in harms way for others, prioritised others over himself to the point of it being unhealthy, is telling me he doesn’t want to charge forward on a battle field no worry other than for those around him crossing his mind, to try and save people?”
He goes silent, “You expect me to believe that?” she continues.
“What, are you going to make me feel guilty for not wanting to die?”
“Never,” her eyes are soft for a split second before going hard again, “If you didn’t want to be in this war I would back off now and support you, but that isn’t you, it has never been you.”
“People change.”
“Not overnight, not that much, not you.”
“That’s a lot of pressure.”
“It is, and I wouldn’t put it on you if I believe this was what you actually want.”
She takes a singular step towards him before talking again, “What do you want?”
“I-“ he wants to be honest, he can’t.
“I want a break from everyone expecting me to be the good guy, from everyone expecting me to save everyone except myself, from people wanting me to fall on my sword. I want people to stop seeing me as this person who can’t make mistakes, it’s too much pressure. I want to not follow a power obsessed man into the war and say its better than the alternative, because the truth is, no one in war is good. Dumbledore isn’t good, Voldemort isn’t good, at the end of this war I won’t be good. Neither side is good, both are killing people, and I know sometimes that’s unavoidable, but I want to not be the only person that everyone expects to make it through this war without doing that.”
He finishes his rant, the rant he started to get Lily off his back, and finds himself reeling from the fact that it’s all true.