Monday 26th June 1978.
Monday 26th June 1978.
Pandoras pov-
“What the actual fuck?” Sirius blurts out, his face looking scandalised.
His hands, which at this point are tangled into his hair after spending the past 15 minutes running through it, are tugging at his twisted locks as he lets a scowl flit its way onto his face.
He finally stops his pacing which he had picked up 5 minutes into Regulus’ story about what happened with the Basilisk, after he had interrupted for the 10th time and Regulus banned him from interrupting and asking questions until he had finished his story, with a glare that was fairly impressive coming from someone who had essentially just woken up from a coma.
And now, as the story finally comes to and end, Pandora and James having filled in the parts that came in after Regulus passed out, Sirius seems to finally be letting it all out, and quite frankly freaking the fuck out.
“Reg?”
“What?” Regulus asks with an eye roll at his big brothers dramatics, and Pandora can just see Sirius snap.
“What? What?” he basically yells, his pacing immediately resuming, as if he needs to move for fear of lashing out if he doesn’t do something.
“Yes, what?” Regulus asks, his face having turned back to a completely blank mask, and despite how used to it Pandora is, it still hurts.
She knows she can break the mask, she has before, and she will again, but after everything that went down, everything she knows Regulus will be blaming himself for putting her through, it’s going to be a lot harder this time. And she is not looking forward to fighting his natural instincts to retreat in on himself and isolate.
“Reg, you nearly fucking died!” Sirius yells, clearly exasperated.
“Yes, I am aware, that is one of the first things we communicated to you.”
“How are you so fucking calm?”
“There is no use loosing control,” Regulus replies cooly, eying his brother and his clear unsettled demeanour up and down, “ I am alive, and now we move forward.”
“Move forward?” Sirius all but splutters, disbelief taking over to his face, and Pandora turns to lock eyes with James, to see if he is going to calm down his best friend so she can help hers, but he doesn’t meet her eyes, in fact, he seems oblivious to the fact that eyes are even on him in the first place, his eyes apparently having been locked onto Regulus’ form since he had woken up, “Move forward to what, another suicide mission?”
“Don’t be so dramatic Sirius.” Regulus replies, his blank exterior still in place, “I’m perfectly fine, look,” and at that he lifts his arms up and moves them slightly side to side, Pandora muffles a little laugh into her arm, “all fine. And now you know what’s happened, we can all move-“
“No.” Sirius says, his tone so firm, Pandora whips her head around to face him, and although Sirius looses his composure a lot, in pranks, to the Slytherins, just in general life, she has yet to see him look this cold.
Almost like his brother.
“No?” Regulus responds, a singular eyebrow arched, seemingly completely unaffected from Sirius’ swift demeanour change from dramatics to unfiltered anger.
“No we are not just going back to where we were before, its fucking ridiculous, you told me you would be safe, you said that house was your best bet.”
Regulus says nothing, his eyes never leaving Sirius’ as his brother continues his rant, but Pandora sees the slightest flicker in his expression.
“And it was bullshit, I know that.” Sirius falters slightly at his admission, but it does not stop him from pressing forward, as if he views this whole encounter as his second chance, and he is not loosing it, “It was bullshit and I left, because I was going to die in that house, but I am out now, and I can get you out too.”
“You can’t.”
“See you keep saying that, but I have yet to hear you say you don’t want me to, that you are happy there.”
Regulus goes to open his mouth, to retort a slew of lies most likely, but Sirius doesn’t let him get to it, “And you cant say it because I won’t believe you.”
“You aren’t in my head Sirius, you cannot claim to know what I am thinking and feeling, its time to accept that.”
“Clearly! Clearly I am not in your fucking head or I would have stopped this bullshit before it started, you wouldn’t have been in a coma for a week. So no, I am not in your fucking head, but you know what, I am in my head, I am in my head when I hear the repeat of your screams over and over, when I see you crying over and over, when I feel you clutching me over and over begging me not to leave, and you cannot tell me that that boy, my baby brother, you, you cannot tell me you are happy in that house, because I have seen you in that house and you are far from it.”
“I am a death eater Sirius.” Regulus responds bluntly, causing all arguments to fall off of Sirius’ tongue. “You cannot save me, it was decided the night you left that house, that’s why I didn’t leave with you, because my fate was sealed, I told you this war is about surviving, if you want me to survive, you are going to have to leave me alone, no one leaves Voldemort and gets away with it, saving me would be condemning me to death Sirius.”
Silence falls in the room.
“Saving me would be helping a death eater.”
“No.” Sirius whispers, his voice cracking, “No, no, no, no, we have time, we have, we have-“ but he cuts himself off, his hands pushing back into his hair as his whole body shudders and he falls back into the couch, collapsing into James’ side, but not leaving, never leaving.
“Sirius you need to leave.”
“Bullshit.” A new voice enters the throng of the argument, and Pandora tilts her head to the side to see James having abruptly stood up, pushing himself between the brothers as he reaches for Regulus’ arm on the table,
“James.” She offers gently, a warning, for what she doesn’t know. she hasn’t gotten involved in the argument so far because she is conflicted, she refuses to let Regulus keep pushing himself to the brink, to the point of no return, but at the same time, she doesn’t want to betray his trust, so instead she has chosen to sit back, and let James and Sirius figure it all out for themselves, not helping Regulus hide the truth, but refusing to expose him in it either.
For now she is an observer, Regulus will never go alone, not while she is alive, but she would like him to have more support regardless.
So she observes, as James grabs his arms, and Regulus hastily pulls away, sneering up at the other boy, his face contorted in anger.
James had broken his mask.
“Fuck off.” He spits out, eying the other boy up.
“Show me your arm.” James replies in equal levels of fury, but not seemingly at the other boy, but rather at the other boys need to reject help.
“Excuse you?” Regulus asks, his arm clutched to his chest away from James, as if he can protect it from imploring eyes.
“Your arm, show me.”
“No. I am not showing you anything.”
“Reg.” Sirius speaks up again, “What’s on your arm?”
“You don’t want to know.” Regulus replies looking away as if in shame, wow he is a good actor. And Pandora can’t help but stifle a smile at the fact her best friend does not know that the only person in this room who has not seen the his arm, seen the blank state it truly is, is Sirius.
“Reg.” Sirius tries again broken. Sinking back into the sofa again, from where he had sat up slightly, the glimmer of hope that had found its way back into his eyes fading again.
“He wont show you because there’s nothing there.” James states bluntly, his eyes still not having left Regulus’ face, despite Regulus having kept his own eyes flickering between the other three people in the room constantly, as if prey feeling cornered, rather than someone loved being surrounded by offers of help.
Pandora supposes they probably feel about the same to him.
“Of course there is.” Regulus spits, turning to look at Pandora, seeking help, his eyes giving away confusion, asking her why this boy is so sure of the fact, asking to be filled in on all the blanks he has missed. But she simply shrugs, a tiny smile, a tiny smirk, tucked in the corner of her mouth, she will not assist him in rejecting help, she will not help him in throwing away a life line.
When Regulus continues to make no move to talk, James finally tears his eyes away from the other boy, looking to Sirius, “I’ve seen his arm, it’s blank.”
“Why would he lie?”
“I don’t know, ask him.”
“Reggie?” Sirius asks, his voice breaking yet again, and he looks so dejected, Pandora can feel herself almost beginning to sympathise with him.
“It’s irrelevant,” Regulus starts, clearly resigned to his lie falling apart, but not yet willing to admit defeat on other fronts, “I don’t need a mark to be a death eater.”
“No you don’t,” Pandora speaks ups, and she watches as Sirius turns to look at her, apparently having been reminded of her presence, “but without it you aren’t linked to him.”
“You aren’t helping.” He hisses, betrayal evident in his tone.
“No, I am not helping you and your carefully curated series of lies, but I am helping you stay alive, which is, quite frankly, all I care about.”
“What about Evan, Dorcas, Barty.”
“They are not in imminent danger, you however seem to crave it.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, and looks back towards the other two boys who had been watching their exchange like a relay. He is paused in though, seemingly taking it on himself to pull together the rest of his lies, to try and save a feasible story that will allow him to sew seeds of doubt, so he can get away with saving everyone except himself.
But James beats him to it, “How about you start by explaining why you wanted the Basilisk venom to begin with?”
“An order, from the Dark Lord.” Regulus responds blankly, clearly working to school his mask back in place.
“You weren’t calling him that a minute ago.” James responds blankly at the same time as Pandora lets out a half scoff, half laugh at Regulus’ words, and she watches as Sirius turns to eye her up yet again, almost as if viewing her as a threat to his little brother, as if he blames her for the state he is in.
“Yes well,” Regulus responds, his eyes drifting slightly to the side in thought before adding, “I was concussed.”
“Please you’ve been a lot worse than concussed and still remembered all the family titles at all the dinners we went to.” Sirius responds, a slight bittersweets smile on his face, as if he can be grateful for the painful memories if they can only help to supply him with ideas for how Regulus can still be saved, be helped, and Pandora decides yes, yes, she may not fully trust these boys, but she can trust them enough to be helpful to Regulus, or at least against Voldemort enough to know the truth.
“He called him that because he doesn’t follow him.” Pandora responds bluntly, and when Regulus lightly smack her arm, she merely laughs, feeling a slight twinkle return to her eye for the first time in a week as she feels the boy next to her revert to himself, grumpiness and all.
He’s alive, he’s home.
“Excuse you?” Sirius responds, turning his nose up slightly as Pandora starts to talk, and only reigning in his clear dislike for her after a not so subtle jab to the side from James.
“I said, he doesn’t follow him.” Pandora repeats softly, a slight smile to her face, that she knows Regulus would find amusing was he not so mad at his plan being revealed to those he is so desperate to protect.
“Yes I heard that part, what are you on about?” Sirius spits out, the distaste still clear in his tone, as James rolls his eyes at the boy next to him.
“Oh I’m sorry, only you said excuse you, and I hadn’t sneezed so I assumed you were having trouble hearing or comprehending,” she pauses for only a moment before continuing, not allowing Sirius to but it, “I assumed the later.” She responds sweetly, mischief in her tone, that would only be evident to the boy next to her on the bed, who seems to be smiling slightly despite himself at his brothers indignant sputtering and current lack of response.
“I’m not dumb.” Sirius eventually sputters out, looking offended and angry, but not as much as he probably would be if Pandora hadn’t just single handedly given him hope that his brother is good.
It’s something she is sure he inherently knows, deep down, subconsciously. After all its something she has always known for her brother, something she has always known for Regulus too.
But humans doubt, it’s in their nature, and when you care about something so much, that vision gets fuzzy, you forgive things you shouldn’t, ignore things you would usually hold onto, you make excuses and fall into traps and lies that you knew where dangerous when walking in, but you ignored all the signs because it was worth it in the moment.
And a love for a brother, someone you fight and love, hurt and protect, that can blur the vision most of all, so finally being given a clear, cut statement, a hint, a promise, a declaration of hope, she understands how much that can mean to someone… almost as much as being given hope for your own life again. Besides, if you love someone so much, like a child, which she is sure is how Sirius views Regulus, then of course it is like having purpose returned to your life.
And if Sirius falters a bit at that gift, that hope, she won’t blame him, couldn’t blame him.
But if he falters when it is necessary, when someone’s life is on the line, when its Reg caught in the throws of battle, that, well that wont be so easily forgiven.
“I know Sirius.” She admits, leaving her playful/cruel (depends how you look at it) admonishing behind, to fully look him in the eye. “I’m saying-“
“Panda.” Regulus cuts her off with a glare, and she puts her hand on his arm, giving him a gentle smile, that he (reluctantly) returns, before looking back up to lock eyes with Sirius again.
“He wants to kill Voldemort.” She states, and the silence in the room, a pin could drop, as every gaze falls to Regulus, except for his own, which falls to her.
“You promised.” He whispers out, and its so heartbreakingly sad, that Pandora reaches for him, but he flinches away as if struck.
“I know, but I also promised I loved you, and that was a much more important promise for me to keep.” She mutters in response, trying to keep her eyes on the other boy, trying to stop the tears welling up from spilling, trying to ignore the fact she has just betrayed his trust.
Because good intentions or not, hurting someone you love is so incredibly painful, and she doesn’t quite know where to go from here, as his eyes leave hers, Sirius rushes forward, and her and James are shoved to the back as the brothers embrace leaving the rest of the room feeling cold and alone.
Its hard, being close to someone, and letting them in, you want to know everything that goes on in their worlds, you want to know how they function, how they think, how to help, how to love. But ultimately, there will always be something you don’t know how to handle, a mistake that was always inevitable to be made. That is what happens when you love someone/something so strongly, that you are blinded by it.
There is not a single decision that can be made on this earth that will not hurt someone, will not upset someone, and you can only try your best to save everyone whilst never truly knowing what to do.
That is what she is doing right now, in this moment. She was given a secret so crucial, that she was requested to keep. But no matter which way she turned, how she handled it, someone would get hurt, she simply had to look to the path of least damage.
And that is the one she is on now, and she can only hope that their path can still be built back up again when all is said and done.
She wanted to be a confidant for Regulus, someone he could turn to with the worst problems, someone he would never falter to confide in. Yet you can only be that person for someone if you never speak up, you can only be that rock if you keep quiet.
But she didn’t, she saved him instead, and she will simply have to hope that the trust can be regained by the time he truly needs it again.
So she looks away from the two embracing brothers, giving them their moment, and turns her head to see James giving her a kind, grateful, doubtful smile, as he moves forward.
To comfort her, to thank her? To show appreciation that she had just betrayed her best friend if only to save him?She doesn’t know.
But she finds herself flinching back just as much as Regulus did.
She had told James to leave, back when he helped save Regulus, when he helped bring him back to the room of requirement, she had told him to leave. She knew Regulus would hate this, but she folded so easily, she let him stay.
And yes she made the right choice, she needed someone there to watch over him. And yes, it’s not James fault, but her body isn’t aware of this as it jerks her backwards, pulling her away from one of the sources of its pain.
Once Sirius and Regulus have finished their embrace, and everyone has regained their seats- Pandora and James further away from Regulus’ hospital bed than they were before, the conversation continues.
“So,” Sirius starts, “why did you need the basilisk venom?”
“Siri, please.” Regulus all but whines, practically pleading, and whilst he thinks begging may get him somewhere, Pandora sees how bad that tactic will work, Regulus looks so young, so vulnerable when pleading, that along with the fact he looks like he has just woken up from a coma, is just going to make Sirius more resolved to help his baby brother.
“No, Reg please, it’s not fair, let me help.”
“You can’t.”
“Let me decide that. Tell me what happened.”
And so Regulus talks, and although Pandora has heard it all once before she can’t help but listen, enthralled in any tale Regulus is willing to tell.
“It all started a week after you left.”
“Shit Reg.”
“No, no apologies, no regrets, if you want me to tell you I will, but you don’t get to start apologising, just, just let me talk please.”
“Okay.” Sirius whispers, his face having gone soft, and she can tell how much he means it.
He is willing to compromise, for his little brother he is willing to compromise.
And Regulus starts talking
“So a week after you left, was my first meeting with Voldemort, he wanted loyalty, proof of it, he needed a house elf, Mother made me volunteer Kreacher.”
At this Pandora watched as Sirius’ fists clench, she knows from Regulus’ stories that Sirius didn’t care for their house elf, but Regulus did/does, so she can only assume that this is anger on behalf of his brother.
“I ordered Kreacher to go with him, and I ordered him to return the second he could, if I hadn’t- he never would’ve come back.”
Regulus seemingly takes a steadying breath at this time, the first true sign of vulnerability.
“When he came back, he was shaking and cold, screaming and then he passed out, it was just- it wasn’t good. So, eventually, once he came to I got him to tell me everything and take me there,”
“Reg.” Sirius lets out in a warning tone.
“Relax, I didn’t do anything, I just wanted to see what I needed to get ready for.”
“We, we need to get ready.”
“Me.”
“We.”
“No.”
“Regulus.”
“Anyway.” James cuts in swiftly and Regulus sends him a glare, but his segway works effectively and Regulus continues on.
“Point being, I did some research and, horcruxes- he’s made horcruxes.”
He pauses taking in everyone’s reactions, and when he sees only looks of confusion he rolls his eyes and Pandora simply laughs.
She knows it took him a while to figure out about the whole horcruxes, but Regulus has always seemed to be in the belief that the second he knows something so should everyone else. The second he has learnt information, it is common knowledge, and anyone who doesn’t possess the same facts, is an idiot.
“A horcrux is an object that holds part of ones soul, once the soul is torn in half and split to be placed in the object, the object becomes almost indestructible. And as long as the object containing one part of the soul is in one piece, a part of the owner is always alive, therefore, they can never die.”
“And Voldemort…” Sirius starts, before drifting off, his face pale.
“Has one, or more, I don’t know.”
“More? How could he have more?”
“Well its such taboo magic, even to some of the dark families, that it isn’t very well known and there isn’t much research on it. So there is no evidence to say if a soul is limited to being torn in half once. After all most people think that is impossible- so who is to say.”
“But Voldemort couldn’t think of that, surely-“
“Voldemort is a Slytherin, his main trait is being ambitious, he wants to be the best, if someone else can split their soul once, why cant he do it twice? And if he can do it twice, what is to stop him from keeping going?” Regulus asks, one eyebrow raised, as if daring anyone to argue with him, and he seems so confident in this fact that Pandora can almost feel the belief and fear ripple through the room.
Eventually, after a long explanation of everything to do with the horcruxes, why Regulus knows this, why he knows that, James and Sirius finally- albeit reluctantly- take their leave, claiming they have a meeting with Dumbledore they must attend.
Pandora watches the flicker of worry cross over Regulus’ face as she ushers the other two boys to the door.
“Will you watch him?” Sirius asks, his voice so unbelievably innocent, his face so shocking vulnerable for Sirius Black that Pandora just smiles and nods.
“Thank you.” he whispers, the words reluctant to leave his mouth, as if he still doesn’t know who to trust, “For everything.”
“And James,” the other boy turns around, a much more trusting expression on his face as he raises an eyebrow, “both of you, I understand you want to help him, I just think you need to understand that, in order to help him you need to betray him.”
“What?” they both exclaim in unison, and Pandora ushers them further out the door quickly.
“Regulus is stubborn, and he wont admit it but he is very protective, if you want to help him, you need to give him no other choice but to accept your help, he needs to be backed into a corner quite frankly.”
“We cant do that-“ James starts, but is quickly cut off by his chaotic counterpart.
“I’ll figure it out.” Sirius agrees.
Both boys looks at each other in shock, and Pandora watches as the seemingly communicate through facial expressions alone, until eventually they seem to come to some sort of conclusion and James opens his mouth to speak.
“We-“ James starts, before glancing at Sirius once more, “we will figure it out.”
And just like that they vanish out the door, on their way to plot another elaborate scheme that Pandora can for once support.
Remus’ Pov-
Sirius has been acting of for a week.
A week and Remus doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.
Well that’s a lie, he does know what is going on, James is missing half the time, his brother is missing all the time, and Sirius is spiralling because of it.
Quite frankly the spiral may be a lot bigger than necessary, however Remus can understand why Sirius is spiralling.
After all, it all can just point back to the way he grew up, turning around at every corner, watching his back, his brothers back, always on high alert, he thought he was safe at Hogwarts, he thought he was ok, but then the unknown creeps around the corner and he doesn’t know what to do, and Sirius spirals, he always spirals.
Remus has been trying to keep him together, trying, trying, trying, but without James all his efforts are fruitless.
They go to bed every night, and half the nights James hasn’t been there, and then the lies are seeping into the dorm, the disappearances, and Sirius doesn’t have James’ bed to sneak into, so he goes into Remus’, but it’s different, he knows it is, and he isn’t James, he isn’t the comfort blanket Sirius needs.
And he doesn’t know what to do.
So, when Sirius shows up to the Monday evening Order meeting with Dumbledore, where they will get the basic information for their first meeting when they leave the school Friday morning, arm linked in with James’, eyes puffy and red, next to James who looks exhausted and tired, he doesn’t know what to think.
Because they look like them again, comfortable in each other’s embrace, like nothing has ever passed between them, but at the same time they both looked wrecked and he doesn’t know what to see into that.
Before he even has a chance to question what’s going on, what’s changed, the door to Dumbledors office is opening and they’re all being welcomed in again.
“Welcome, thank you for meeting with me again today.” Dumbledore greets them, his arms opened slightly, offering them the seats he has obviously conjured up around his desk for them to sit in.
It feels just like the first meeting they had with him, when they had no clue what was happening going into it, no clue what they were agreeing to.
Except this time it’d different, Remus hasn’t been able to keep his eyes off of Lily since the meeting was called, ever since she expressed her distrust to the professor a week ago, he has been- conflicted- about how to think.
He has no reason to believe anything wrong of Dumbledore, after all he took a chance on him, a young werewolf child who was on the verge of looesing his education, his life, any opportunities he could get, and little did he know it at the time, but his friends, the most crucial people in his life.
This man offered Remus a life, and he clutched onto it with two hands, and not only did he offer Remus an education, which his friends have assured him over and over is the bare minimum, but Dumbledore has also protected him, when Sirius betrayed him, when he let his secrets slip, when Snape was on the verge of outing him to the world, the ministry, to the whole school, Dumbledore stepped in.
And Remus cant help it if he feels his whole life is dedicated to this man. He wouldn’t be where he is today without him, despite what Lily says, despite what anyone says, if Dumbledore needs his help, doesn’t he owe him?
If the werewolves could be the turning point in the war and he can influence them, shouldn’t he be doing it?
If he stands back, doesn’t that make him a bystander, doesn’t it make him bad?
His whole life was ready to be ended at 5 years old, and this man came and saved him from slipping through the cracks, and all he has ever asked for in return in the 7 years that Remus has known him, is to use the abilities Remus has- that only Remus has, to end a war, to save lives?
Wouldn’t he be a bad person to turn him down, after everything?
He really just doesn’t know.
He wants to do the right thing, he has thought his entire life he was a monster, but if he could do this one thing, he could make the monster a hero, he could compensate all the bad in him.
But at the same time, Lily.
Dumbledore may have given him everything, but he never gave him trust. As James says, as Sirius says, as Peter and Lily say, Remus was a child given the bare minimum, being thankful is required, being indebted is not.
And Lily, Lily has earned his trust, looked out for him over the years, Lily also found out about his furry little problem and protected him, comforted him, held him, altered prefect schedules for him.
If anything, isn’t he more indebted to Lily, who gave so much more than the bare minimum.
And even if he wasn’t indebted, because Lily would turn away any help from him if it was due to feeling as though it was owed, he trusts Lily, he loves Lily.
Why wouldn’t he help her, trust her.
If she has a bad feeling, if she doesn’t trust this man, shouldn’t he stand by her.
If it’s a feeling of debt versus a feeling of debt, he is going to support the one he loves and trusts, always.
So watching Lily out of the corner of his eye, he resigns himself to following her lead in this meeting, this war, whatever that means.
He doesn’t know what that means, but he will do it anyway.
He will get through this meeting, and then he will question her, and what she has been planning, because if there’s one thing Remus knows, its that Lily always has a plan.
So he turns his face back to the meeting, standing beside Lily who has decided to stand behind the chairs instead of sitting down in front of them, and turns his gaze to Dumbledore keeping Lily in his periphery the whole time.
And after a second of silence he processes, no one is responding.
Dumbledore greeted them and no one is responding, at that realisation he turns to look at James who is sat in front of them, staring ahead at Dumbledore, and Sirius next to him who is simply staring at his hands and fiddling with them, seemingly not in the room, his mind elsewhere.
He knows why Lily isn’t speaking, knows why he isn’t speaking, Peter wouldn’t speak up first- especially not to teachers, he likes to lurk in the background and gain information, keep his presence unnoticeable until convenient.
It was never really a shock Peters Animagus was a rat.
But why isn’t James speaking?
And then, eventually, when no one speaks up, Dumbledore continues, apparently unwilling to lose control of the room this quickly, even if Remus isn’t sure he ever had control.
“I called you today, as you know, to continue our previous discussion of you joining the Order.”
More silence, essentially crickets, it’s confusing, but at the same time Remus isn’t shocked.
James always leads the group, at least in important situations, and if he doesn’t, Lily always takes over, so having neither of them speak up, well it causes the rest of the group to fall silent, not because they cant function without a leader- that is so far from the truth it is almost funny, however the group does function a certain way, and when their “leaders” to which no one would admit they have, even though they do- don’t lead, the rest follow their control, as if they simply trust James and Lilys’ silence and will follow it.
Remus cant really be surprised, he is doing it right now.
Even if, as far as he’s aware, he is the only one who knows why he is remaining silent.
“Order meetings tend to be weekly, though not everyone is always available for those, due to missions assigned the prior week, the tasks at hand, it can often make certain members unavailable. However there is a meeting once a month that we tend to ensure all missions aren’t landing on, so that everyone may be kept up. The locations are kept in an inconsistent pattern so they cannot be tracked, I will give you the first location and time now, it must be memorised, you will then teleport outside of the wards and be let in, you must answer a safety question from someone who is already there and therefore cannot be someone you have already arrived with, to ensure your identity. Each meeting will be used to set the next meeting location and time, here” at this point he waves his hand, and wordlessly casts a spell to send a pile of notes floating out to each of the students until they all clasp one, memorising the location before they promptly burst into unburning flames in their hands, the ashes promptly falling to the floor, “now you have these memorised you shall be expected to arrive at the given time.”
As he finishes speaking, the room falls silent again, and just when Remus thinks this entire meeting is going to go on one sided, Lily speaks up.
“Thank you professor, I look forward to the meeting.” She says, in her most professional, customer service voice, that is so fake it makes Remus want to burst out laughing.
But he doesn’t, instead he follows along with the muttered agreement the rest of the room utters at Lilys agreement, until all eyes fall on James and Sirius, the only ones at this point to still remain silent.
Remus watches them, his eyes drifting over the two boys, watching as Sirius’ knee jumps up and down, up and down, up and down, his hands twitching in his lap, his head still firmly locked on his feet, and Remus wants so bad to reach over and grab his hand, to sooth him, rub his hands up and down his arms, look into his eyes and reassure away his troubles, make everything better.
But James beats him to it, his hand darting out at last and clasping onto Sirius’. His thumb rubbing over Sirius’ knuckles, as Sirius finally lifts his eyes, allowing them to have a silent conversation between the two of them.
When Sirius finally nods, James turns back to Dumbledore and finally speaks, “Are we done here?” he asks, and although Remus cant see his face, he can hear the disdain in his voice, and it is so misplaced for James Potter, the James Potter who has teachers, Parents and Students falling at his feet, James Potter the human embodiment of the sun.
James Potter doesn’t do disdain, and here he is, his voice all but dripping with loathing as he asks for permission to leave.
And before Dumbledore even gets a chance to reply, James is gripping Sirius’ hand and walking out of the room.
Everyone else stills for a moment, Remus can hear is mind screaming at him to chase after them, question what on earth is going on. But he cant bring his feet to move.
Everyone stands there for a moment, before Peter lets out a rather obvious cough, seemingly jolting Dumbledore out of his stupor, who finally trails his eyes back to Lily, and then- talking to the room- dismisses them all, like nothing had even happened.
What the…
But then Lily is marching out of the room and Remus’ feet are working again, chasing after her, all the while his brain is conflicted as to whether he should follow James and Sirius, or Lily.
But before he gets a chance to make his decision, Lily is gripping his arm and walking off with him towards the library.
Lilys Pov-
The meeting ended in chaos.
Calm collected chaos.
The kind of chaos where you aren’t sure what to do, because there is no way to dive into it, no way to deescalate it.
Because there is no flying fists to dodge, no arguments to quieten, no yelling to join in.
No it was a silent protest.
And Lily couldn’t be happier.
She couldn’t be more confused, but she also couldn’t be happier.
And yes, her mind is itching at her to go confront James and Sirius, she wants to know why they have all of a sudden turned on Dumbledore, what has happened in the last week to cause such a drastic change of allegiance.
She knows they haven’t gone over to the Death Eaters, she can barely believe Regulus has, how would she ever believe James and Sirius have.
So yes, she has faith in them, yes she is thrilled they have seemingly turned on Dumbledore, or at least James had, but she has no idea why.
And she is absolutely itching to find out.
But first, she has left Remus for a week to let his mind whir over whether he is truly loyal to Dumbledore.
She planted doubt in his mind, and yes she feels bad, but it’s necessary.
If she needs any of her friends to leave Dumbledore, its him, he is most at risk due to his lycanthropy, Dumbledore can use him the most, will be most dedicated to ensuring Remus’ allegiance, so, she has left it long enough and she can follow up on James and Sirius’ allegience tomorrow.
For now, Remus.
“Lily?” he asks, a questioning lilt to his voice as she continues to drag him through the school, down the stairs and all the way into the library.
She stays silent, her eyes dead set ahead of her, she will talk to him in depth, in their corner of the library, under the protection of a silencing spell.
When they finally stumble into the library, bookshelves towering over the two of them as they make their way into the corner, they both come to a dead halt at their usual table as they see a mop of loose black curls sat in the corner of the room.
Regulus Black.
Regulus who they haven’t seen since Sirius ran away, Regulus who is going to be forced into joining the death eaters, Regulus who has been suspiciously missing for a week, Regulus who is trying to convince the whole school he follows his parents views, despite Lily knowing that he hung out with Remus and Lily, a muggleborn and a werewolf, and therefore, he couldn’t be further from the beliefs he is saying he is a part of if he tried.
And yet, he hasn’t spoken to either of them in a month, and someone who was once, arguably, almost her best friend- or at least one of them she cant forget Remus, is now someone who she deems unchartered territory, she doesn’t know what to do here, but she most certainly will not be backing down.
That isn’t what Lily does, and that isn’t what Regulus deserves.
She knows both of those things for a fact.
So she steels herself, grips Remus’ hand tighter before letting it go and walks forward, internally thanking Remus as he immediately follows behind her, coming to a stop by her side as they both face Regulus who finally looks up.
She shouldn’t be surprised, Remus cares about Regulus as much as she does.
“Hey Regulus.” She starts, because how else do you start a conversation with someone you used to be best friends with and has since cut you off with no warning except to go join an organisation that hates your existence even though you know said person does not support said organisation in the slightest.
She doesn’t know, so therefore, she goes with hello.
A simple lead into small talk does not feel right, given their past, their friendship- ex-friendship, she isn’t sure, but its all she’s really got
“Sorry, I was just leaving.” Regulus mutters out quickly, his posture ever perfect, as the heir of the house of Black is meant to be, but he is avoiding her eyes in a way that seems so natural that if she didn’t know him at all, she would think it isn’t at all intentional, as he is simply packing up his belongings, including is essay.
His half-finished essay.
Yeah, he definitely wasn’t just leaving.
“Oh, you don’t have to.” she starts, because she doesn’t want to drive him out, doesn’t want to make him feel like he can’t be wherever he wants to be, after all, it was always their table, not just Lilys and Remus’, but Regulus’ too, and she doesn’t want to shove him away.
She has 3 and a half days left in the same school as him, and then she will likely never see him again, unless its on a battlefield, and she doesn’t want it to be like this.
And yes she needs to talk to Remus, and yes she still trusts Regulus- not enough to let him in on the plan she was planning to tell Remus, but enough to at least talk to him, find an opening.
So, she wants to try to prove he isn’t a lost cause.
She knows he isn’t morally, internally.
But she needs to know if he externally.
She needs to know if he is truly doomed to tradition, he hasn’t left that house and she trusts he has a reason.
She has to trust that, she can’t let war fill her head with doubts, yes doubt is good for survival, survival instincts.
But she also cant let this war take away what she is living for, so no, she is not going to doubt her friend.
Friend, because whether Regulus likes it or not, that’s what they are.
“No, no, I really should be going.” Regulus mutters out, and as he looks up at her for the first time, her heart breaks.
Because he looks broken, a shell of himself, and she hates herself for not pushing him more when he pulled away, for thinking he would come back, for thinking she had more time, and then getting so dragged up in her anti Dumbledore ordeals, she didn’t realise she had 3 and a half days left of term.
Ever.
And she still had not spoken to Regulus since Easter.
But if she can just find something in him, anything, a sliver of hope.
She cant exactly drag him into her rebellion, but she can give him options.
She trusts him enough, that if he gave her a reason she would let him in on everything in a heartbeat.
Well not everything everything, for security measures he has decided that no one can have access to everything, well except perhaps Remus, because she needs a second hand, one that knows everything going on in case things go… sideways.
But other than that, she would tell him most things, if he just gives her a chance.
“You can stay,” its Remus talking this time, clearly now he knows Lily is happy for Regulus to be here, he is as desperate as she is to drag the younger boy back into their circle, “it would be nice really.”
At that Regulus looks at them both, really looks at them, before letting out a sigh and shouldering his bag, “It’s for the best if we don’t, don’t you think?” he offers, clearly as a rhetorical, because he starts walking away immediately after, his footsteps unhurried, but Lily can tell he wants to run, is panicking, if she can just-
“Is it?” she asks.
And it works, because he turns around one last time, “You’re friends with us,” Remus blurts out before Regulus starts to speak, “clearly you aren’t like them.”
“Maybe it’s better if you start thinking I am.”
“I wont think that until I see you curse me across a battlefield.” Lily states, her voice firm, even as she feels her heart shaking.
“Then I’m afraid you’ll always be disappointed by the hope of me being a good person.”
And he walks away just like that, unwilling to take their olive branch, unwilling to accept the goodness they see in him, all the while ensuring them they will never come to harm by his hand.
And Lily just feels more resolved to figure something out in these next 3 and a half days.
Eventually after about 5 minutes of awkward after Regulus silence, Remus speaks up, ripping Lily out of her tunnel of thoughts.
“So you dragged me?” he asks.
“That I did.” She laughs, waving her wand over the two of them to create a silencing shield.
“So, what’s up?” Remus asks, almost immediately, as if he’s been waiting for a moment to question her for days, he might have, she hasn’t exactly been making herself available.
“I wanted to discuss Dumbledore with you.”
“Ok.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Severe sense of déjà vu right now.” Remus jokes.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you trust him?”
A pause,
One second,
Two,
“No.”
Improvement.
“What changed?”
“You, Regulus,” he releases a deep sight, “my thoughts, and apparently James and Sirius, though I have no clue what’s happening there.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope. Why, were you hoping I did?”
“Kind of yeah, but I’ll figure it out.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
What? She asks, shocked, because she genuinely hadn’t said anything to him yet.
“Lily, I know you, and you wouldn’t go around testing people allegiances without a plan, fuck you wouldn’t do anything without a plan, I’m convinced your entire life runs on a plan. So,” he continues, raising an eyebrow knowingly, “you have a plan and I’m going to help you.” and then he leans back in his chair, seemingly settling in for a story, and says, “tell me.”
“I want to make my own order.” She says, eyes firmly locked on Remus, ready to tell him her full plan, and ready (if it all works out) to get her first ally, first member, and hopefully- her second in command.
“What?”
“My own order, against Voldemort, without siding with Dumbledore, I’ve been looking over locations and logistics-“
“Hold on, you want to go behind Dumbledores back?” he asks, disbelief clouding his expression, lurking behind his eyes.
“Yes.” Because it really is that simple, and if he cant take it as it is, then that’s all there is to it.
She just hopes he is as predictable as she once thought.
“Ok, ok,” he mutters the second part under his breath, as if convincing himself, “what are we going to do?” he asks, and that sparks a fire inside of Lily.
“We?” she asks, just for clarification, just to hear it, because she does trust him- she does, but confirmation never hurt anybody.
“You said it yourself, I don’t trust him, I trust you.”
“You could just stay out of the war.”
“Around James and Sirius? No shot.” He laughs, clearly just the thought of the boys enough to make him feel light, and Lily gets that, she really does, she has the same feeling towards him, for the boys, for her girls.
And whilst she cant say Regulus has ever made her feel light, his existence always bought around a certain about of dread due to how much she worried for him, when he was with her, safe and in her field of vision however, he could certainly make her feel better.
“Are you bringing them into this?” he asks, a flicker of doubt crossing his eyes, clearly this is his weakness, Sirius Black has always been that for him, but combined with James, his ‘found family’, they are more than just a weakness, they are an Achillies heal, and Remus loves her, Lily knows this, but she doesn’t think he’d join her, if his loyalties had to be split.
And it is for that reason, and many other reasons including her own personal love for the two boys, that she says,
“I’m hoping for it.”
And that, apparently, is enough to sell Remus on the idea of her whole little reverse order.
They talk until library closing time, and Mrs Pince has come up and over to knock on their little bubble of silence to warn them to get a move one, so they pack up all their stuff, putting their bags over their shoulder, and taking a last glance over the space before leaving.
There’s a ceiling high window that lets in a perfect view of the stars this time of night, the corner of the window falling perfectly in line with the edge of the wall, making a perfect little corner to place a chair in, one of the three chairs sat around a table, the second one placed by the window soaking up sun, and the last with its back facing the room, so the owner of the chair could face the other two seats.
Lilys chair.
And yes right now the window shines black, and she can see through it the twinkling of the stars, the moon high in the sky, but she remembers it bright.
She remembers coming to study with Remus.
“Oh come on Remus, you love Arithmancy.” She laughs, her hair falling over her shoulder as she moves forward towards the same corner of the library they always sit in, their favourite seat.
“Ok, firstly I do not love arithmancy, I tolerate it, it is one of the more useful subjects.”
“Uh huh.”
“And secondly, just because I love a subject.”
“Love it.”
“Shhhh, just because I tolerate” he emphasises the last word, much to Lilys’ entertainment,” a subject, does not mean I will enjoy the hours of homework I am subjected to because of it.
“You chose it.”
“Yeah, yeah well I-“ but he cuts himself off, his gaze firmly locked in the corner of the room, and as Lily shifts her gaze to it, it’s to see another boy perched at their table, in the seat placed in the corner, sandwiched in between a wall and a window- in the seat they never use. His head of black curls falling gently over his face as he continues to pour over the books in front of him.
“Hello Regulus.” Remus says.
The other boys startles slightly, before resuming his perfect posture, and then letting it slip again ever so slightly once he realises its them.
Its not that they’re friends, it’s not that Regulus even trusts them, but he is close to his brother, meaning he has been dragged to a few Gryffindor things, or at least enough things to know that Lily (Muggleborn) and Remus (werewolf, not that Remus has told Regulus that part, he is just convinced Regulus has figured it out), are not a threat to leaking his behaviour back to his parents.
And the fact that that settles him even slightly, is enough to prove to Lily, that most of his pureblood mannerisms and other nonsense must be an act.
“Hello Lupin, Evans.” He nods to each of them in turn, a formal kind of greeting Lily is still not entirely used to, “I was just finishing up here.” He starts, most likely as an excuse, but Lily doesn’t want to rush him away so she finds herself protesting.
“Oh no, please stay, we were just going to study, and I was going to go over my Astronomy notes, I wonder if you could help me?”
In truth Lily is really quite competent at Astrology, as well as all of her other subjects, never as good as Sirius and Regulus, but good enough to pass, and pass very well at that, and although Lily doesn’t usually approve putting ones abilities down to form conversation, she needs an in with Regulus, and this may be one.
“I’m not sure-“ he starts, looking around the library as if someone (likely his parents if Sirius’ stories are anything to go by) are going to jump out and yell at him for interacting with the two of them.
“Oh please. We are awfully quiet studying, not anything like your brother and James I’m sure.”
That, at least, gets her a laugh, “I don’t think anyone can be quite as bad as my brother or Potter.” He jokes back.
And oh, Regulus Black can joke, that is fun.
“I thought you wanted help though, how can we do that if your silent?” he asks suspiciously, but never the less, he isn’t packing away his stuff so Lily takes it as a win.
“I figured we could do both.”
Regulus pauses for a second, clearly deliberating his decisions, most likely wanting to flee, but also not wanting to seem rude to his brothers friends.
Lily gets that, she is like that with Petunia a lot of the time.
“I can help you study for a few minutes, but I really must help Evan and Barty afterwards.”
“Oh that’s fine.” She lies, she saw Barty and Evan and knows they are currently off creating chaos somewhere, but if he stays for even a minute, that’s an in, it’s a foot in the door, and Lily can run with that.
“If they are anywhere near as chaotic as they seem, I pity you.” Remus throws in, getting another huff of laughter out of Regulus- small but there.
“Can’t be as bad as my brother and Potter.”
“True, but don’t let James keep hearing you call him Potter, he’ll think he’s old an have a heart attack.”
“Oh no, whatever will I do? My one goal in life is to keep Potters ego and heart in check.” Regulus responds, completely deadpan, but Lily and Remus burst out laughing all the same, taking their usual seats, Remus in the window, claiming the heat from the sun helps his joints, and Lily with her back to the room, so she can avoid all distractions and focus. Leaving Regulus to stay in his little seat in the corner, which she will later figure out Is because he doesn’t like having his back uncovered, he likes seeing who is coming, and likes shoving himself in tight spaces- trauma response if Lilys knowledge is anything to go off of.
Regardless, they all have their own little chair, at their three chair table.
And its perfect, perfectly suited to each other.
Remus coughs and she blinks, her mind back to present day as they’re leaving the library.
And she didn’t tell him everything about her plan, didn’t tell him they will need someone inside with the death eaters, didn’t tell him that she’s not willing to risk anyone, that she is tempted to take on the roll herself.
Doesn’t tell him anything, not yet.
She’s got to get it all started first.