SIRIUS- Monday 26th June 1978.
Monday 26th June 1978
Sirius’ Pov-
It’s been a week.
A week of James acting shifty, disappearing for hours at a time, not telling anyone where he was going, skipping lessons and meals, sometimes wandering off before nightfall and not returning until lunch the next day.
It’s been a week and James hasn’t told him anything, James who has always told him everything, James who has always bore his soul to Sirius as Sirius has always done in return. It’s the first time their friendship has left Sirius in the dark and it’s worrying him.
But no matter how worried he is for his friend, he can’t fully focus, cant fully focus on James.
Because it’s been a week.
A week since he has seen his brother at meals, his brother in classes, in the halls.
It’s been a week, and the rest of Regulus’ friends are acting completely normal, and this is the first time since he started this school that he hasn’t felt free to question them about Regulus, since easter the brothers agreed to keep a distance, and that includes talking to each other’s friends.
But it’s been a week, and he doesn’t know what’s going on, Crouch, Rosier and Meadows are all acting the same, only Pandora seems to be acting off.
Not off of, she acts normal enough ( for her at least) but she seems to be skipping the same amount of lessons at James, which he can’t point out to James because they are both missing different ones, rarely overlapping the classes they miss, and when they do it’s that they’re both missing, not that they’re both there.
So he can’t mention it.
He tried talking to Pandora at some point in the week, the rule of distance he and his brother had come up with no longer enough for him to keep silent when worry had been plaguing him in all directions for days.
So, when they had run into each other in the halls, he took his chance to ask about Reg, but she simply brushed him off, said the other boy was ill and she was keeping an eye on him.
Full of kind eyes and smiles, reassuring gestures, but it didn’t do a thing to quell his worry for his little brother, his baby brother.
After all, she had told him not to worry, as if it was that simple, as if his brother, the boy who had been trained to ignore and push through illnesses his entire life, sequestering himself away for a week due to one measly cough was normal.
Their parents would throw a fit if they found out he was missing classes, so this conversation- this discussion in which he risked breaking his deal with Regulus to make himself feel better, was making it so much worse.
And he wanted to talk to his best friend about it, but James wasn’t there.
It’s too much to worry about at once.
James has been avoiding him, dodging his questions, hiding the map.
Regulus has pulled a disappearing act.
So, when a week of this has passed and Sirius sees James get a note on Sunday evening that finally causes the other boy to settle after a day full of restless legs, fidgeting hands, darting eyes, he decides to watch.
So he watched,
And he watched,
And he listened,
And he heard.
He heard James get out of bed at half one in the morning, whilst he was curled up in Remus’ arms feigning sleep.
And he followed,
Followed his best friend-who he had never once felt distance from before as he wandered throughout the castle.
Because he is fed up being out of the loop.
And this is one loop he can get back in on.
He can understand what’s going on with James.
Then, once he has James back, he can get the map back, once he has both of them back, he can conspire to find Reggie.
It’ll work,
it has to.
It’s just a little bit harder to sneak around in the middle of the night, following an invisible person with no cloak of your own and without their map of the castle.
But he’ll make do.
He follows closely behind the other boy, watching as he makes his way down the corridors, through the never-ending halls, around the schools for about 15 minutes.
15 minutes of Sirius feeling on edge and defenceless to any professors that could be running around.
But he makes it through, and as they finally round once last corner, falling outside to the fresh summer breeze hitting his face, the fresh, cold, crisp night air whipping into his air. He takes a moment to breath, to appreciate knowing that he is finally out of a line of sight to any potential professors. Before quickly focusing back in on the other boy to continue following him.
Although ever grateful to the small abilities of his Animagus form translating through to his natural self, helping allow him to successfully follow his friend throughout the school undetected without the map, his sense of smell still isn’t quite as strong as Padfoots, so once they are outside he makes effort to keep James’ scent from falling away in the wind by sticking as close as he can to the other boy as they continue their way through the outside air and down towards the greenhouses.
He is surprised he hasn’t seen him yet, what with having the map on his person, he can only assume he doesn’t think he needs it due to the cloak, and is simply trying to prevent the other marauders watching where he is going.
The thought makes his stomach churn, James is trusting, he wouldn’t be worried about people spying on him unless he was doing something really bad.
So he keeps following him down to the greenhouses, slips in through the door before it slams shut, and watches.
Watches.
Watches as he strips the cloak, watches as he glances around quickly (impatiently), before pulling out a pair of pruning scissors and walking up to the new batch of Mandrakes that look to be fully grown and ready for harvest.
Its at this point he notices the pair of earmuffs on James’ ears and the feel of the silencing spells placed over the greenhouse, and he quickly scrambles out of his corner to grab the nearest pair of earmuffs and slam them over his head before James- who is seemingly here to garden, can lift up a mandrake and release their fatal screams into the air.
He breaths a sigh of relief at having saved himself, before he looks up in the earie quiet and clocks James’ eyes on him, fear flitting across his features.
And that, is confusing, why is he scared?
Sirius’ mind had been running miles an hour this past week, two of the most important people to him, one disappearing from the face of the castle without a trace and the one he would usually confide in about his fears was being shifty as fuck.
So yes, his mind had been spinning, tonnes of worries and fears and outlandish concepts running through his mind like mad until he was properly worried for his best friend.
And here his friend is, pruning mandrake roots?
Before his mind can spiral any further he speaks up.
“Prongs?”
Silence, crickets could be heard it’s so quiet- if there wasn’t a silencing spell over the greenhouse that is.
“Prongs,” he tries again, stepping closer, “What are you doing here?”
His step forward seems to push James to move, pull his mind back to the present like a magnetic force until he is back in the room and speaking-
“What are you doing here pads?”
-or deflecting.
“I followed you, now answer the question.” Sirius retorts, he knows how to play this game of deflection, it’s one he knows well, a skill he has picked up and honed over the years in his parents’ house.
“I-“ James pauses, he has never been the best liar, and he has also never hesitated to talk to Sirius- so this pause, he is trying to find a truth, a half-truth- to get him out of this situation in a believing way, problem is- Sirius knows James.
“What are you doing here James?” first name- off set him.
“Uh-“
“Why are you harvesting mandrakes?” second question- bombard him.
“I-“
“Why have you been avoiding me for the past week?” third question- leave him unable to answer
“Well-“
“Why did you steal the map and not let me look for Reggie?”
A flicker crosses James’ face, and Sirius clings to it.
“What- Reggie? Do you know where he is prongs?”
Silence as James’ face flickers once more.
“James do you know where my fucking brother is?
He steps forward further into James’ face, and James takes a step back.
“What are you scared of me now?”
Sirius laughs, but its humourless, he wouldn’t hurt James- ever, James knows this.
But James also knows about the Blacks manic streak- he held Sirius whilst he sobbed over it, frightened he would one day become like his family, that he would let James down.
James knows he wouldn’t hurt him- no matter what, he would sooner crucio himself.
But James also knows, Sirius told him- he would stop at nothing to save his brother, protect him, look out for him.
And in his barrage of questions, in his attempt to find a crack in James’ façade, he only saw a break in James’ expression of fear into sadness at the mention of Regulus’ name.
And it makes Sirius skin light up, it’s prickling him, itching the back of his neck.
Everything has been off for a week, in the two separated halves of his life, he chalked it up to coincidence, knowing his two lives would never come together.
He’s not toos sure now.
And he is not taking a risk over doubts.
He is not risking his brother, no matter who he talks to, no matter who he has to interrogate.
He would always save both of his brothers, no matter what it takes- even if it takes the other brother.
But he shouldn’t have to interrogate, this is James.
Surely he would do anything for his brother, just like Sirius would do for him?
Surely he understands Sirius’ need to keep Regulus safe, surely he feels the same way to Sirius.
Doesn’t he?
Except James has ben acting shifty for a week, Regulus has been missing for a week, and James only flickered in his expression at Regulus’ name.
Sirius trusts James with his life, always, but he trusts no one with Regulus’ life.
Not even himself- but he will try his hardest.
“Pads?”
His attention turns back up to James, who has stepped back into his space.
“Where are you Pads? You’re spiralling.”
He reaches up to brush his hands down his face, through his hair, and feels tears dampening his skin, wetness lingering in his eyes, the stress of the past week apparently breaking his usual façade of relaxation and chaos.
“Where is my brother prongs?”
He asks, his voice pleading, breaking, shaking.
He didn’t know he was crying, but now he does he is leaning into it.
Leaning into the guilt filtering into James’ expression, he hates himself for it, using this guilt- this overwhelming crushing guilt he knows burdens James on an ordinary day, this guilt James lies and says he doesn’t have, this guilt Sirius is trying to get him to fess up to, to let James know he is here for him, he is using that guilt now, and he feels awful- but he can’t help it.
His brother is worth all the guilt that will soon plague Sirius for ever having made James feel guilty.
But he can apologise another day, for now he needs another brother.
“Prongs please,” his voice cracks again, “I- I don’t know where he is, I haven’t seen him in a week, I haven’t spoken to him in a month, I’ve lost my brother enough as it is, I can’t lose him more.”
He falls to his knees, no longer playing into the tears, as his emotions truly get the best of him, as he finally lets himself break, he hasn’t broken since he left that house- no matter how much prying James and Remus have pushed on him- trying to get him to open up, to let him know he could break, he didn’t.
Wouldn’t.
He didn’t deserve it, his brother was still in that house, being torn apart, breaking daily, whilst Sirius was surrounded by love and support, he didn’t deserve to break so he didn’t.
But now that he is letting himself break, even if it was only tactical to begin with, he can’t reign it in, the floodgates have burst open, the pressure all coming in too much as he tries to understand what is going on, he continues to sob, letting his voice filter through into the air between them, and with every piece of breath he fights to pull into his lungs he continues, “I left him in that house, I am an awful bro-“
“No your not.” James objects, his voice breaking as he falls to the floor clinging to Sirius, sharing his pain, their feelings one in the same, always split in two, always halved, though right now he feels like James is giving him this burden, not relieving it.
“I am James! I left him in that fucking house, with those fucking excuses for parents, I left!”
"He told you to,” James tries, his voice soft as if talking to a child.
“Well I shouldn’t have listened-“
“You were hurt!” James replies indignantly, upset on his best friends behalf.
“So? I still had my head, I still had my thoughts, I- I knew it was wrong.” He stutters as another sob over takes him.
“Barely.” James rolls his eyes.
“What?”
“You barely had your thoughts Sirius,” James insists- staring imploringly into his eyes as if begging him to see reason- “You showed up at my house, I saw you! I saw you broken on the floor, sputtering nonsense, sobbing your brothers name! I held you as you broke down in my arms, I listened to you ramble as I was more scared about your mental state than your injuries, which is fucking saying something considering you were bleeding out on my floor!”
“I’m sorry.” Sirius tries meekly.
James’ face softens, “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want your parents to be sorry, I want you to not blame yourself.”
“But I’m safe now James, I’m safe and I’m still not helping him, I should be helping him.”
“It’s not your job.”
“Well then whose is it?” Sirius all but yells, abruptly pulling to his feet, leaving James falling backwards from the sudden movement.
“Your parents.”
“And they are rather fucking incapable of helping James!”
“I know!” James softens again- clearly wanting to be done with this verbal sparring match they had fallen into- “ but that still doesn’t make it your fault, your responsibility, what he chooses to do- it’s not on you.”
Sirius stills.
“What he chooses to do?”
Such a simple meaningless comment, but the hurt in James’ expression at Reggies name earlier, no- he doesn’t believe its meaningless for a second.
James flinches back as if physically struck.
“What did he do James?”
“Nothing-“
“What did he DO?!” Sirius is screaming now, his voice reaching new limits- ones he never even reached when fighting with Walburga and Orion, one he never even reached under the Cruciatus curse.
“I can’t tell you-“
“FUCK YOU!” he screams, and he is done, he whips out his wand, but James doesn’t back away.
“What- not scared of me yet James?”
He takes a step forward but James doesn’t step back, he holds his ground.
“Never.” He replies simply, a soft shrug on his shoulders, he is staring at Sirius in the eye, ignoring the wand raising up towards his face.
There is guilt littering his expression but not an ounce of fear.
It infuriates Sirius.
It softens Sirius.
He drops his wand and spins around quickly.
His gaze falls on the mandrakes and he rushes towards them quickly, grabbing one pot with his hand, his other still firmly gripping his wand and pointing it at the other pots behind him.
For the first time this entire conversation, fear properly coats James’ features.
Finally, Sirius thinks.
How could you, the guilty part of him retorts.
But he’s found something that effects James and he is going to cling to it.
“Incendio” he points his wand at the furthest plant and watches with a blank expression as it bursts into flames.
“No!” James cries, rushing forwards to blow at it, when nothing happens to it, he picks up the next closest mandrake plant holding it close to his chest as if to protect it.
Sirius points at James chest, at the pot he clings to, his aim perfect,
“Incendio.”
The next pot bursts into flames.
James drops it, seemingly on instinct, before dropping to his knees, reaching towards the now burnt out pot.
He looks up at Sirius though tear stained eyes, “Please don’t you have to stop, he-“
“He what James? My brother what?”
He’s exasperated, but guilt is pooling into his stomach as he watches James fall apart below him.
For your brother, for your brother, he reminds himself.
James is your brother too, the traitorous part of his brain replies.
“I can’t tell you.” James cries out brokenly, his eyes pleading.
And he sets another pot on fire, James may be his brother, but he is also safe- in front of him, he has no clue what is going on with Regulus and the unknown is scaring him.
How bad is it if James knows.
“NO-“ James yells out as another one of the pots blackens and burns, there are plenty left for Sirius to destroy- plenty left if James really does need them, but he acts like each pot that breaks his breaking his heart, destroying his world, “HE needs them.”
Sirius stills, his blood cools down, then freezes.
“What?”
“He needs them Sirius.” James responds brokenly, defeat littering his features.
Sirius is frozen in place, “What do you mean he needs them?” he asks.
James glances at him, pauses, looks to the mandrakes as if scared they will spontaneously burst into flames.
He looks scared- scared of Sirius.
Sirius is shaking now, “James what do you mean?”
“I can’t-“ James cuts himself off, clearly scared Sirius will lose it again, that his precious mandrakes will be destroyed.
But Sirius is so defeated, so worried about the implication Regulus needs these mandrakes, these things he was destroying, he doesn’t have it in him to destroy anymore, to even threaten it.
He’s scared- scared of himself, of what Regulus could have gotten into.
Just scared.
“I cant tell you-“ a pause, a look of fear as if waiting for another pot to burst into flames, “But I can show you.” James continues slowly getting to his feet, but you need to stop burning the plants ok?” Promise?” he asks, hesitantly moving towards Sirius to grip his shoulders.
Sirius nods his head meekly,
“Words Sirius.”
Right, he spent the last half hour stalking James, yelling at him, threatening him, James needs more than a nod, he needs words, he needs trust.
“Promise.” Sirius mutters as James pulls him into a hug and more tears start to spill.
He isn’t even sure what he’s crying for, nothing’s happened.
Is it pent up anger, frustration?
He doesn’t know, but he will know, he trusts James.
Despite everything he has just done he trusts James.
After James finished harvesting the leaves off of all the plants, Sirius watches as he carefully wraps them up in a napkin he takes out of his pocket, places that napkin in a pot, and then spells the pot shut and protected, before examining the lid and then tucking it safely inside his robes.
He finally looks up and makes eye contact with Sirius, who raises one eyebrow looking at where James has just tucked the leaves slightly inside his robes, James flushes slightly before moving towards Sirius and wrapping the invisibility cloak around both of their heads in one fell swoop.
They make their way out of the greenhouse and through the school working their way up to the seventh floor corridor, it’s much easier to move this time under the invisibility and the knowledge he does not have to hide from his friend.
Sirius is just about to ask James if they’re heading back to the tower, remind him he said he would show him what’s going on, when James comes to an abrupt halt and Sirius falls not so elegantly into his back.
“Prongs wha-“
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” James mutters under his breath having pulled the map out of his pocket.
Sirius looks down over his shoulder to watch the map himself, his eyes automatically flit towards the Slytherin dorms, looking for his brother since this is the first time James has allowed him to lay his eyes on the map since his brother went M.I.A.
He’s not there. He is just about to point this out, start his line of questioning again when James points his wand back down on the map, whispering under his breath, “Mischief Managed.”
The map seals itself up, the ink withdrawing into the pages once more, until it is nothing more than a seemingly blank piece of parchment.
With the map closed and stuffed back into his pocket, James whips the cloak off of both of their heads before moving to stand in front of a wall, he paces three times, his eyes shut tight before a door appears in front of him.
“James?” Sirius questions, his eyes flitting rapidly between the door and James, apprehension litters the other boys features.
“Look- I, I’m not meant to show you this,” he pauses, his own eyes going towards the door seemingly eager to burst through it and only withholding himself for Sirius’ sake, “I just- need you not to freak out.”
“I’m already kinda freaked out prongs,” he pauses as James winces, “but I’ll keep cool, just,” his eyes dart back to the door, “what is it, what does it have to do with my brother?”
“Have you heard of the room of requirement?” James asks, his brows raised, his hand shaking at his side, apparently just as apprehensive about this whole situation as Sirius is.
“No.”
“Ok, well- it’s a room that appears when someone is in need of it, it shifts magically for whatever a person needs, and it’s set so that you can only find someone else in it if you know what to look for.”
“I- what?” because he doesn’t understand what this has to do with his brother- with anything, “I don’t understand- what does this have to do with my brother.”
“It’s not-“ he pauses, breathes, tries again, “look do you trust me?”
“Yes.” Easy, simple, no hesitation.
“Then I’ll explain when we get in.”
With that he grabs Sirius’ hand and walks them both through the door.
When he first enters the room, he has to squint a bit, the light inside the room is pure white, and although it’s clearly dimmed- meant to be easier on the eyes, its after 2am and the castle is dark, so the adjustment is a strain.
When his eyes finally settle, he opens them fully and looks around the room, taking it all in.
It’s a room painted in deep green that is seemingly trying to resemble a hospital suite, he sees a cauldron in the corner surrounded by shelves, a big plush couch sits in front of a fireplace with a Gryffindor coloured blanket spread over the back that looks like the one Effie had knitted for James when he got into Gryffindor.
He sees a blanket of platinum blonde hair draped over the back of the couch, as a head turns around and he takes in Pandoras smiling face, which he can only look at for a second, before it quickly turns into a frown filled with anger and she is up on her feet in seconds.
“What is he doing here?” she practically spits at James as she rounds the couch towards the two boys, her glare is something fierce, a look that could kill, and despite not knowing the girl well, it seems so wrong on Pandoras face.
“Look- I know, I’m sorry, but-“ James tries but is immediately cut off.
“Sorry? Sorry!” she yells, “This isn’t about you James, this isn’t about you and your co-dependency, this is about-“ she cuts herself off turning to Sirius, her glare stops and her face drops.
Sirius goes to turn to James, to ask again what is going on, where is his brother, what is this.
But when he looks to his left- to James, he finally takes in the left side of the room.
It matches the rest of the room, except for one thing.
A pristine white hospital bed in the corner of a room.
He freezes.
The world goes fuzzy around the ages.
Voices are mumbling in the background but he hears nothing.
A hand is on his arm, but he is shaking it off before he can process who it belongs to.
His gaze is transfixed on a bed in the corner.
On a pillow with black curls splayed over it.
Of the shape of a person lying under the duvet.
On some stand, some contraption on a metal pole stood next to the bed with a tube coming off of it, that seems to be attached to the boy in the bed.
Boy because he recognises those curls, that stature.
He’d recognise it anywhere, he sees it everyday in the mirror, he sees it every night in his dreams,
His brother.
Who has been gone for a week, lying unmoving in a hospital bed.
And he is frozen.
And he is moving.
A ringing is buzzing through his ears, a high pitched frequency fogging the last thoughts that flooded his brain.
He is moving forward, a hand is on his arm.
The hand is gone.
He is moving forward.
His mind is spinning.
His mind is clouded.
Everything is blurry, his eyes are swimming.
His eyes are filled with tears?
He is moving forward, but the bed is so far away.
Then some logical part of his brain takes over, you don’t know what state he’s in.
His legs co-operate and he moves forward again.
His mind is still ringing, but he is moving, he is making progress forward.
He is in control.
He reaches the bed, and his thighs whack into the side of it to signal his arrival.
His head jolts down, and it takes in the still stature of the boy.
The sharp yet softened jawline, the grey storming eyerises, just like his own.
His gaze flits to his chest, still, unmoving.
And his knees give out, another hand it on his back again, trying to pull him back to the present, the present without his brother?
Why would he ever want to be there?
Why would he want that life, no he will remain frozen in time.
His mind clears slightly, just enough to let worry, fear, trepidation through.
How long has he been gone?
Can he come back?
Can Sirius go with him?
Will someone stop him if he follows his brother into the bed and allows himself to fall into the void.
A hand appears on his back again, his mind stills just enough to hear James’ voice break through the ringing in his ears.
“Not dead.”
It’s all that makes it through the fog of his mind, before it clears more, and anger makes its way in.
James.
James.
James, James.
James knew? James led him here?
James knew?
James.
James.
James.
He stills,
He’s alive.
Alive.
Alive.
Alive.
James knew, He’s alive.
James knew and he’s alive.
James knew Reggie was alive.
James knew Reggie was in trouble?
In a second, his brain clears, and he is on his feet.
He rounds quickly to face James, who he has accidentally knocked back again from his quick movements.
“You knew?” he spits out, he can feel the venom rising in his blood, the Black madness taking its hold.
But is it madness if its required?
Is it madness if you don’t regret it sane?
It is madness if your little brother is lying on a hospital bed and your other brother knew?
Knew and didn’t tell you?
He snaps, “YOU KNEW?” he screams it into the room before he flinches.
He looks back at Regulus, is he upsetting him, does he know?
But Regulus doesn’t know, because he is still, and he’s not ok, and he probably doesn’t have a fucking clue what is going on.
The anger rises with every realisation that passes through Sirius’ mind.
“I knew.” James all but whispers, he looks ashamed but he doesn’t break eye contact with Sirius.
It’s respectful.
It’s pissing him off.
“Why, why didn’t you tell me, what happened, why isn’t he awake, why isn’t he reacting, I’m yelling, he hates yelling,” and Sirius is on the floor again, James doesn’t hesitate in coming to him, “what happened, what happened, why is he?”
And Sirius is rambling nonsense, that he doesn’t care to make sense of.
A pause.
“Is he, is he-“
“He’s alive Sirius, he is going to be fine.”
“What happened?”
Sirius looks up at James, eyes pleading again, he has been doing a lot of that tonight.
Before James can answer, a cough comes from across the room, and his gaze switches to see Pandora.
“I understand this is troubling to see,” Sirius scoffs, but Pandoras gentle smile and kind eyes don’t waver, but James, did you get the stuff?”
“Oh yeah, Yeah.” James quickly scrambles to his feet, pulling the pot out of his robes and undoing the spells he placed on them earlier before handing them over to Pandora who takes them with a slightly strained smile.
“Thank you, I’ll let you two continue.” She smiles slightly again before making to move off to the cauldron in the corner of the room.
“What is that for?” Sirius croaks out, his voice horse from all the crying.
“It’s going to wake your brother up,” she smiles again before pushing on her way back over to the cauldron,
And don’t be too hard on James, he doesn’t know anything, and no,” she cuts him off as he opens up his mouth to begin another series of questions, “I’m not going to tell you, my priority right now is your brother, and that means waking him up, not easing your mind, sorry.” She shrugs, not looking sorry at all, and she continues to walk over to the cauldron and starts working her way around it.
Sirius turns back around to James who helps him up to his feet, and seemingly aware he wont want to leave his brother, waves his wand to bring the couch over and next to the hospital bed so they can settle down into it.
Sirius takes Reggies hand between his, wrapping his fingers carefully around his slight wrist, pressing just enough that he can feel a pulse pressing against his brother skins, signalling life to Sirius’ fingers and mind easing his breathing as he settles back slightly, careful not to let go, and leans back into James.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know.” James sighs rubbing his hand up and down Sirius arm, as his other wraps around Sirius’ shoulders, “I’ve been waiting all week for him to wake up, so I could ask just that.”
“How did you,” Sirius’ pauses, unsure how to ask his question, "Why-“
“How did I get involved?” James asks, reading Sirius’ mind just like he always does.
“Yeah?” Sirius croaks, his eyes glued to his little brothers face, unable to bear to move his eyes, to let them roam around his younger brothers body, every time he sees his unmoving chest, his breath stutters and he feels himself start to spiral, so he stares unmoving at Reggies face, his hand still gript tight around the other boys wrist, focusing all feelings on the press of his pulse against his fingers as he waits for James to continue.
“I found him.”
“What?”
A breath, a beat, a silence.
Sirius finally rips his eyes away from his brothers face to take in James’, his eyes are glassy, filling with tears, as he quickly blinks, swiping a hand over his face as if to deter his tears, and grabs Sirius’ arm again.
“I found him- he was,” James pauses and coughs, averting his eyes, glueing them to Sirius face, looking at Regulus, before finally he stands up, reaches across Regulus’ bed and grabs the smaller boys other wrist, wrapping his own fingers around Reggies pulse point, in a motion mimicking Sirius’, he takes another breath before continuing.
“I found him, he was- he was bleeding,” Sirius sucks in a breath as James squeezes his eyes shut and seemingly forces himself to continue, Sirius wants to tell him he doesn’t have to- that he can stop.
But he can’t bring himself to, he’s selfish, he needs to know.
“He was bleeding…..out, he was bleeding out.”
Sirius sucks in a breath, trying and failing to dispel another sob from wracking his body.
“He had a broken knee, the bone sticking out, and his arm, it was cut deep- it seems to have hit an artery- whatever that is, Pandora told me,” he laughs but it seems pained, “anyway, the artery being hit, it was speeding up the bleeding, and- and I don’t know how long he was there before I found him, Pandoras wand had broken, so she couldn’t fix him, she couldn’t move him, she was trying to stem the blood flow.”
James is crying freely now, unashamedly, no longer trying to keep his composure, Sirius feels another Panic attack pulling at him, trying to drag him into another spiral.
He breathes in and out.
Counts.
1
2
3
4
5
5
4
3
2
1
James pauses as he does this, seemingly knowing he needs a minute, when Sirius finally looks up and makes eye contact, James continues.
“So I stemmed the blood flow, and did a spell on his knee, and” another pause, longer this time as James tries to get his bearings, Sirius watches his face as he relives this moment, this terrifying moment, and feels any residual anger fizzling out of him, as all he feels is sadness knowing James had to go through this, and now Sirius is making him relive it.
Knowing that James has now head both Black brothers bleeding out.
But he doesn’t ask him to stop.
“And then Pandora said we couldn’t tell Pomphrey, you, anyone, and she showed me to this room, it had all been prepped and ready, as if it knew what we needed. That’s where I’ve been the past week, we’ve been taking shifts watching him, so he is never alone.”
“But what happened?” Sirius asks again, because James must now something, anything, having been in this room for a week, he must have a clue.
“I don’t know- but I have some ideas.”
“It’s done!” a sweet voice rings through the room, and both boys looks up to see Pandora holding up a vile, making her way over to the bed, “Shall we wake him up?”
He locks eyes with James, they both look to the bed, to each other, and then Pandora.
“Yes.” They manage in unison.
After Pandora administers the potion to Reggie, she plops herself down on the couch next to Sirius, her hand reaching out and grabbing onto Reggies knee through the duvet.
Her other hand reaches out and grips Sirius spare one with a reassuring smile.
James stays on the other side of the bed still gripping onto Reggies other hand.
He looks at all three of them in the room, gripping onto his baby brother in any way they can, caring screaming from their bodies as all their gazes seem unable to drift from the boy between them for very long. It gives him a breath of air, knowing people care, it doesn’t matter why or when they started, they care, Reggie has been safe with them.
But why did he have to be safe?
“When-“ Sirius starts.
“Soon.” Pandora whispers in reply, her voice startlingly soft after the yelling earlier, “Give him a minute.”
She tilts her head to the side as her hand on Reggies knee stills, her gaze having remained fully locked on her friends face even as she talks, a slight smile playing on her features.
He looks back to Reggie and sees his eyes flutter,
Flutter
Flutter
Flutter,
And then they open.
His body is still still, but Sirius looks down to his chest, a heave works its way through it, as it slowly resumes to a more natural pattern of breathing.
He feels tears spill over his eyes as he takes in the sight of his little brother, the realisation that is the first time he has held him, had a chance to speak to him in a month floods him.
“Reggie?” Sirius asks, his voice horse, anticipation rolling over him in waves.
Is this really it, is he ok, is he awake?
Reggies head rolls to the side, he takes in Sirius and smiles, a soft smile playing delicately on his lips, making him look the picture of innocence, of perfection.
Its so unrealistic, so relieving that Sirius sputters a laugh, a laugh that no one else joins him in on, but he doesn’t care.
His brother, his brother is ok, he is breathing, its such a bare minimum, but a minimum he never thought he’d feel so overwhelming grateful for.
After about 5 minutes, when Regulus is more properly awake, the mood in the room shifts dramatically.
“Reg?” Pandora asks tentatively, keeping her hand placed on his knee, brushing up and down slowly.
“Yeah panda?” he asks,
“Are you ok?”
“Are you?”
“Reg.” Pandora responds, her brow furrowed, her mouth falling into a line, clearly unhappy with his question for an answer.
Sirius internally smiles at the deflecting habits he so clearly shares with his brother, still so close, no matter how far.
“My brother and Potter are here,” Sirius doesn’t miss the way James flinches at the use of his surname odd, “and I am currently not yelling at any of you despite wanting to curse spells on of the lot of you, so I think you can appreciate my current calm and answer the question.”
He raises his eyebrows right back at her, clearly waiting for an answer, knowing he got through to her, and seeing his little brother have a relationship, someone he truly knows and as far as Sirius can tell should be able to depend on, is comforting to Sirius knowing he didn’t truly leave him alone when he left that house.
“I’m fine Reg.”
“Then so am I.” and that is the sweetest Sirius has ever seen his brother since he was about 10, its almost cute, funny, he has an instinctive impulse to tease him for it, but the humour he usually carries around with him is nowhere in sight, as he continues to watch his brother lying in a hospital bed, unsure what put him there.
“Don’t be sweet,” Pandora scolds, slapping his knee lightly, “I’ll think you have a concussion.”
“I thought you said you wanted me to be nicer to you?” Reggie responds raising an eyebrow.
“I do, and you can if you would like, but I know your only being nice right now because you know you scared me, and you don’t know how long you’ve been out.”
“A week.” Regulus replies simply, shrugging his shoulders, when everyone continues to stare at him in shock he continues, “You think I don’t research everything Panda? Cures, timelines, everything? The only thing that would make it be longer is if you delayed it, and I know you wouldn’t do that. I grew up learning ready for everything and I’m the top potions student- I know how long it would take me to recover anything.”
“Fine, yes, a week.” Pandora replies scowling before her face breaks into a smile, and she jolts forward accidentally elbowing Sirius in the side to envelop Regulus into a hug.
Surprisingly, Regulus doesn’t shove her off, he takes it, and after a second he even wraps his arms back around her, and at this point Sirius feels like he hardly knows his brother, is the reciprocation for his own sake or Pandoras?
He feels a surge of longing, of want pool into his stomach, as he sees his baby brother fully depend on someone else, someone who isn’t him.
It curdles up and spoils at the idea that he is right to do so.
Sirius wasn’t there, Reggie has been gone for a week, and Sirius wasn’t there, he only found him as he woke back up, and that was only after nearly destroying all the things that would save him.
He’s pulled out of his own head at Reggies voice breaking through the room, the harshness returning to his words.
“Now, why are my brother and Potter here Panda?” he sits up, leaning himself against the wall and looks down.
“And why am I wearing a Gryffindor jumper? What has happened” he darts his eyes to shoot a scathing look at Sirius before he quickly opens his mouth to reply.
"It’s not mine.” Sirius interrupts quickly before he flicks his own gaze to James, but not before he sees a flicker of disappointment cross Regulus’ face, followed by brief relief, before settling into a blank face yet again.
The face so empty of emotion that it somehow doubles Sirius’ own, he feels his emotions heighten the longer Regulus’ visibly fade. Guilt that he left his brother in a house where hiding emotions as he is doing now is so necessary, pity that either of them were ever in that house, pained longing that he cant always see past it.
It’s as if every time Regulus shuts down, schools his emotions into nothing, he is bottling them up and handing them over to Sirius, allowing him to feel everything in double.
Sirius isn’t always empathetic, but he feels like one when it comes to his brother- his little brother, the times he can see his emotions leaving him, it hurts so much if feels like he is back in Grimmald Place being beaten black and blue yet again, as Regulus struggles to stop him from seeing anything- learning anything that is happening in his brain.
“Potter?” Regulus asks, his voice pulling Sirius out of his internal spiral yet again, as he watches Regulus look to James, a look of confusion breaking through and pulling at his features.
"It’s mine.” James admits, his head pointing down at the ground, but his eyes focused on Regulus none the less, trying to take in his feelings towards the situation.
“Why is my brother wearing your jumper James?” Sirius asks, confusion now on his face, likely matching his brothers own.
Reggie turns back to him, “You don’t know?”
“No.”
“But you’ve been here?”
“Only the last 20 minutes Reggie.” Sirius says, sorrow and guilt lacing his features, and he watches as Reggies hand twitches, the hand he had previously held whilst waiting for his brother to wake up, which he had dropped when Regulus had pulled up to sitting- now twitching as if begging to reach out again before deciding better of it, so Sirius takes his decision away and grasps his little brothers hand again.
Regulus rolls his eyes, before subtly squeezing tighter and not letting go, he turns his face back to Pandora.
“How long has Potter been here?”
“Since you were knocked out.”
Knocked out- he didn’t look
knocked out, can someone be knocked out for a week at least?
The statement rushes even more confusion through Sirius, but Pandora does not stutter in her explanation, and per usual Regulus doesn’t either.
But James- James frowns, he knows something, Sirius knows he does
“How-“ Regulus starts before Pandora cuts him off.
“He found us in the bathroom, you were-“ she darts a side eye to Sirius.
“Everything James knows, my brother will know shortly.” Regulus replies, rolling his eyes at Sirius’ obvious close bond with James, and he wonders- not for the first time- if Regulus is jealous of his relationship with James.
“He found us in the bathroom when you were bleeding out.” She states bluntly, clearly loosing her worry and emotions as her voice comes out clear and unshaken, clearly all her worry faded once he woke up.
But bleeding out, that cracks Sirius’ heart, punctures his lungs, until he can feel his brother blood pooling over his own hands, littering him with visible guilt.
But he looks down and nothings there.
“You were bleeding out?” he asks, his voice raspy and dry, his eyes going itchy again, as James finally makes his way around the bed to grab Sirius up and into his arms, making sure not to nudge his hand that is still firmly gripping his little brothers.
His baby brothers.
Who was bleeding out?
Who was unconscious?
Despite feeling like he is about to break, to crumble into a million pieces, he keeps his eyes on Regulus’, eyes locked firmly, he is aware his own are probably glassy from unshed tears, but he will not let them fall.
He will be the big brother, the job he has so spectacularly failed at, the one ground he has let his brother down on time and time again.
Yes he took the hits, the punishments, yes he protected him at almost every turn.
But he didn’t when it was important, he didn’t when it was necessary, when he left that house.
He let his brother talk him into going and he left.
And they stopped talking- and now he is at his brothers bedside, no clue what is going on, only knowing that his brother has been unconscious for a week, and he wasn’t here for any of it.
James was here, and he wasn’t.
He is a bad big brother, so he shoves his tears back, schools his face into one of support and love, as best as he can muster, and he locks eyes with Regulus.
Neither of them break eye contact, this is a game they have done this many times before- a test of wills, Sirius breaking first every time- ever restless as his pent up energy forces him to break, but not this time.
They stare at each other for a few minutes before Pandora coughs.
So Sirius takes this as a sign to talk.
Talk- his eyes will not break contact.
“What happened Reggie?”
“Why do you care?” is his bitter response, but he has been raised with this boy- no, he has raised this boy- his defences have never scared him, and he stopped believing them a long time ago.
“Because I love you. because you’re my little brother, because you were hurt, because-“ and Sirius is ready to keep rambling, ready to ramble for eternity, to give each heartfelt thought and word, to drill it into his brothers skull that he does care, to shove it down his throat, to make him take his medicine.
To accept the fact he does care.
“Bullshit, you left Sirius.” His brothers face remains steady, an unbreaking mask, but Sirius will not break.
“Because you told me to.”
“And you listened, you never listen to me, and the one time I needed you not to, you listened.”
“Bullshit, you wanted me to listen, that was one of the few times you actually cared about me listening to you, I saw it in your face.” Sirius bites back.
“How do you know what I want, you aren’t with me anymore.”
“By your choice, I’ll come back if you want.”
“What?” Regulus’ voice breaks, the first time his emotions have broken through since he put his mask back on.
“No!” James replies at the exact same time, fear, anger, resolution evident in his voice- plain as day, never trying to hide just how he feels.
“Shut up Prongs,” Sirius responds his eyes still not having strayed from Regulus’ face, “I said I would come back to you Reggie, to that house, to our parents, to that world, that side. I will come back.”
“Don’t.” his voice breaks again before he manages to school it slightly, “you won’t, you would rather die.”
“Yeah I would- but I would rather go back than you die.”
Regulus finally breaks eye contact after seemingly forever, the first time Sirius has ever won.
He turns to Pandora, clearly happy to ignore the conversation that just happened.
“What do they know?”
“They know that you slipped in the bathroom, that you knocked yourself out and I needed James to heal you, he stayed because he wanted answers I couldn’t give him, and I needed him, he had a working wand and I couldn’t get you to the room of requirement without him.”
“Right.” Regulus replies, he turns back to the two boys in the room, “so you two can go now, I’m awake, I’m alive, I’m okay.”
“Fuck no!” Sirius all but shouts, at the same time James lets out a resounding “No.”
“No offence Potter,” Regulus starts, turning to face the boy who, until this point, he had been pretty much ignoring, “but this is very much not your business, I am not your business.
“Yeah James, if it’ll make him more comfortable you can leave,” Sirius replies, glancing apologetically at James.
“Leaving applies to you too Sirius,” Regulus responds, looking back at his older brother.
“No, I will leave when you leave, when I have a full recount, or this whole ‘avoiding each other bullshit,’” he adds in air quotes, “will stop. I need to know you’re ok.”
“Fine,” Regulus turns to face James “Potter out.”
“No.” James replies simply, sitting on the arm of the couch next to the bed and crossing his arms.
“No?” regulus asks, is eyebrows raised, his voice scoffing, and his eyes hard as steel.
“Not unless you tell me your going to tell him everything.”
“I already said-“
“No, everything Regulus,” James leans forward on the couch, bracing his hands under his chin, “everything.”
He raises one eyebrow, now having his own staring contest with Sirius’ little brother, before Pandora interrupts.
“James-“ she starts.
“No- I bought your bullshit for a week, “he ‘slipped’ he ‘fell’, it’s ‘nothing important’, oh-“ James exclaims quickly sitting up straight, “and my personal favourite, don’t tell Sirius.”
“James-“ Pandora starts again.
“No- no you don’t get to do that, I didn’t push, I didn’t pry, and I didn’t tell Sirius, believe it or not- but he knew something was wrong, he followed me threatened to burn the mandrakes, I didn’t have a choice, but otherwise, I listened,” he leans back again, eyes locked on Pandora now, his face set in firm line that feels so wrong for James, Sirius feels it like an itch under his skin, “I listened, so I wouldn’t distract you, but he is awake now,” his eyes flit to Regulus before falling back to Pandora, “and I’m not going to sit back and let you spew the same bullshit to Sirius.”
“Then leave.” Regulus spits out, his eyes cold again, as hard as ever.
“Will you tell him you were petrified?” James starts, his eyes now locked on Regulus, as Sirius flicks his eyes between everyone in the room.
Regulus face flickers slightly, before he schools it back under control.
“What?” James starts, his voice turning cruel- desperate, Sirius has never seen James this… off, “You think I’m really dumb don’t you?” he asks his face twisting, but not with hurt, but with anger, frustration, “Mandrake leaves, they have healing properties, among other things, but I don’t have to acknowledge those other things do i- since they were clearly for healing in this case.”
James starts ranting and doesn’t stop, as everyone else in the room goes stock still- silent.
They heal petrification cases, that is all they heal Regulus. And it wasn’t petrificus totalus, no your body didn’t display that- and oh yeah, I tried the counter for that on you- when I was desperate after carrying you up the stairs after watching you nearly bleed out.”
“But-“ he continues, “ there is another way to be petrified, one where your body gets stuck in the last state it was in, one where it gets you through the eyes, one where a spell coating the eyes with some film would probably prevent death.”
“How did you find one Regulus? In this castle, how did you-”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about“ Regulus starts, but even to Sirius, his voice is weak.
“Bullshit! Where did you find a-“
“Silencio.”
James’ mouth keeps moving, no words forming enough to fall off his tongue, as he turns to glare at the wand raised in his face.
Pandora, her eyes steel, and her hand unshaking.
“Everyone take a fucking minute,” she breathes out, her eyes now strained as she takes in the people around her in the room.
“Reg, I think we should tell them, they clearly know enough, they won’t drop it.”
“We could obliviate them,” Regulus waves a wandless hand, until his own wand zips across the room towards him, he waves another hand and collects James and Sirius’ wands into his other hand.
Sirius did not know his brother could do wandless, wordless magic- he tries to find it in him to be impressed, but in all honesty he is not that surprised, and way too distracted by the conversation at hand, at trying to stay in the loop, when he seems to be the only one properly out of it.
“2 vs 0, they don’t have their wands now.” He raises a careful eyebrow towards Pandora, his expression blank.
Sirius begins to protest loudly as he sees James try to follow his lead, his mouth moving rapidly, until he seems to process no noise coming out once again.
“Reg.” Pandora tries, lowering her own wand, apprehension on her own face.
“No! I told you Panda, I’m not letting him get involved I’m not risking him.”
“And I’m not risking you!” Pandora snaps, her voice raising fully for the first time since Sirius entered this room, the first time he has seen her fully raise her voice.
“I’m not-“
“You’re borderline fucking suicidal Reg.” she practically yells at him, “you took this big fucking risk, a risk you nearly took by yourself by the way,”
At that announcement Sirius sees James snaps his eyes to Regulus fear coating his features, clearly whatever he knows is bad enough that the idea of Regulus facing it alone is terrifying.
“And now,” Pandora continues, “when there is help at our fingertips you are trying to turn it away.”
“I am not risking my brother!” Regulus snaps, and Sirius feels his heart soar and plummet at the exact same time, skipping a beat, love and adoration, fear and frustration towards his brother, all hitting him in one fell swoop.
“Well then I will!” Pandora yells back, and Sirius watches as James steps away from her and in front of Sirius almost attempting to shield him, the room getting all the more chaotic by the second.
“He’s my brother!” Regulus yells, loosing his mask by the second as fear slips onto is features, but he still refuses to move his wand towards Pandora, clearly unwilling to hurt her.
“And you’re mine, I don’t give a shit about him-“ she waves her hand in Sirius’ direction.
“If getting him involved can save you, stop me waiting around for a bloody week by your bedside, fielding off questions whilst wondering if you’ll wake up, then I am going to do it, in a heartbeat. Because you are more important to me Reg, far more important than him, and I’m not letting you do this shit when it could kill you, It nearly fucking did ! I was sat in a pool of your blood Reg, watching you frozen in a moment, unable to talk to say anything, I couldn’t move you, I couldn’t stop the bleeding, I couldn’t call for help.”
Pandora is crying now, and it is such a gut wrenching thing to witness, but she keeps going.
“I thought I was losing you Reg, I thought you were leaving me.”
Regs mask is broken now, beyond repair, as he lays on the bed, taking hit after hit to his face, punches of truth, knocking the fight out of him.
“If you cant do it for you, do it for me. If you can’t get help for yourself get it for me. If I lose you, I have to do everything by myself, I can’t, one person can’t handle that, we could barely handle it between us,” she waves her hand over him, “clearly!
“If you die, everything falls to me, if I die, everyone we love is doomed, you are risking me more, you are risking them more, by leaving them in the dark.”
“Would you risk Evan?” Regulus counters, clearly grappling onto the last threads of his crumbling argument.
“No, I wouldn’t. But neither would you, so we aren’t debating that.” She says softly.
Pandora raises her wand again and points it at James in front of her, who tenses as if he is about to be dealt another blow.
But she simply lifts the spell from his lips.
He lets out a breath and then speaks.
“Basilisk.”