She knows.
Part I: Remus
February 9th, 1976
Sirius was a wreck. They were sitting in the common room together, waiting for James to come back, and the longer he was there, the more anxious Padfoot became.
Sirius himself wasn’t here for the night. Or breakfast. They basically met near the entrance to their first period class, Defense Against the Dark Arts. His eyes were swollen, and his hair messy - Sirius never left without spending at least half an hour on his hair - but no one said anything. They exchanged some telepathic glances with James, and the plan of action has been set: no one talks about anything until they’re alone in their dorm, and until then, they all act as if nothing happened. But it was hard. Sirius was right there, and he was overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts, his brain most definitely struggling to keep up. Remus could see it. And couldn’t do anything.
“Hi”, James just walked in the common room, and sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace, leaning against the sofa. Sirius was glaring at him.
“What did she do?”
James was quiet. Obviously he was sorting out carefully what to say and what to not say. And Remus, of all people, knew the feeling very well. It still hurt to see James doubt them, not trust them, but he told himself it was probably for Sirius’ sake.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered loudly, and put his hands to his face, pulling his knees in. “I’m sorry, sorry sorry.”
What was he apologizing for? What happened?! Cracked through Remus’ mind. It made him scared, paralyzed. Reminded him of…
“What are you apologizing for, what happened?” Sirius spoke with concern in his eyes, sliding down from the sofa to sit beside James.
“I… She… She asked about… Remus” James leaned against Sirius, looking like he was about to cry.
Me. She asked about me. What is that supposed to mean? Like, “tell me more about Lupin, he seems weird” or… no… he surely could mean…
“What?!” Sirius now sprang up, leaving James confused on the floor. “What is that supposed to mean? You can’t actually mean…”
“Sorry. I’m sorry. Yes.” He covered his face again, sliding down even more to almost lay on the floor. Remus’ mind wasn’t having it. She asked about me? She asked if I was a werewolf? He flinched at the thought of the word. Then his eyes fell on some second years in the corner, and he - for the first time since the class ended - spoke:
“Come on, let’s get inside, yeah?” The boy got up from his chair, and without looking back, headed to their room. The others followed. Once he was there, Remus went to his bed, and sat up with his back against the frame, looking at James. He was clearly making his way to Sirius’ bed. The other boy eyed him for a second, but then agreed, and claimed up, too. “What happened?” He asked again.
“I don’t know. I really don’t know” James was staring at the ceiling, “We were chatting and then she was just… she asked what I had to do with werewolves, just out of nowhere, and I… I got shocked, but I didn’t say anything, and the next thing I know she… she asked about Moony… you know.” He swallowed, tears in his eyes. Next to him, Srius was being visibly torn apart between his anger, his feelings for crying James - which really is rare, Remus should agree - and his love for his sister. He probably must have stopped at anger, for now. “So? She quite literally asked “is Remus Lupin a werewolf”?!”
Ow. Sirius didn’t mean anything by that, he knew it. But it stung, making his heartbeat stop for a second. He probably winced, for the way Sirius quickly mouthed “Sorry” to him. Still hurt. Let’s focus on the sense, not the words. Or, well… My professor knows about my problem. Will she go ask Minnie, and then she will punish us for keeping it a bad secret? And what does she think of me? Will she not like me? Will she hate me from now on? It’s Sirius’ sister, oh god, it’s Sirius’ sister. She would never get over it, what if she made Sirius stop talking to me? No, I would die. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius…
“Yeah… I’m… I’m sorry Moony, I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything, but I probably looked really shocked, so I…- I guess she understood” James sat up to look at Remus, with his earnest, brown, a little red from tears, eyes. Remus realized he isn’t even mad at him. And he knew he should say it. He should tell him that. But he couldn’t. The words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth, and… and air… He closed his eyes.
The next thing he remembered was Sirius’ smell. Strong. Everywhere. He was right here. Then touch. It was Sirius, touching his shoulder. Why is Sirius Black touching me? The thought came and went, not wanting to stay long. What does it matter, anyway? Then sound. Oh, he loved that part. It was Sirius’ voice. Somewhere… somewhere right next to him.
“Hey? Moony? Come on, open your eyes, please?” He was whispering. Open my eyes? Oh, right. They’re closed. And so he did. Where was he? It’s his bed. Why was he lying on his bed? When did he go to sleep?
And then it came. Everything that happened just a few seconds away. He sat up abruptly, gulping for air. She knows I’m a werewolf, she will tell everyone, James did it, and I’m not mad at him, but am I mad at Sirius’ sister, I’m bad, I’m so so bad, should I be mad at James, am I still mad at Sirius, oh, Sirius, Sirius, his voice, Sirius…
“Oi, oi, breathe” his eyes stopped on Sirius, who furrowed his brows, and helped him sit.“No, I mean it, Moony, inhale.” He looked angry. Was he angry? Was he angry at him, Remus? But oh, wait. Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
“What will happen?” Was the first thing Remus said, looking wide eyed at James, while doing everything possible to ignore the feel of Sirius’ hand on his back.
“Nothing. I hope so. If we trust her, and… well… I think we should listen to Sirius about this… But she promised me she won’t tell anyone. Even Minerva. And that “his secret is safe with me”. I don’t know how much to believe that, to be completely honest.” He glanced at Sirius, but he wasn’t looking at him. His eyes were still on Remus, when he turned to glare back. Those gray eyes…
“Yes. Yes, you will trust her, Moons.” He said it so confidently. It made Remus feel better, like maybe nothing much is lost, and yet… “If you don’t trust her, trust me. If she said she will keep it a secret she will keep it a secret.” He paused, seeming to consider something before saying, “But I would expect her to talk to you, probably. If she asks you to stay after class next time we’ll wait right there, yeah?”
Remus couldn’t speak again. He blinked. Then nodded.
“She also asked about… Christmas'' James kept looking at Sirius, the apologetic look back on his face. “I’m sorry mate, I didn’t want to tell her anything that you didn’t want her to know, really, I…”
“It’s okay” Sirius cut him off. He’s able to forgive. Fast. Good. And I’m not… Bad, bad, bad. But I forgive James, though, don’t I? “You’re okay mate. It was smart of her, really. She knew there was no use in asking me, I… I still don’t want to talk about it, especially to her… I don’t know how to explain it, sorry. But she knew. I would assume she would ask Regulus, but… well, firstly, he’s still mad, and secondly, he would only know the part in that house. But you would know both, since you.. well, saw me, and then heard me tell everything to Dumbledore.” He was stumbling a little. He then did a last pat on Remus’ back, looked him in the eye, and receiving a nod, went back to James. Remus still felt left behind. Left out. They were friends, but no one could be as close as Prongs and Padfoot, it was impossible. Even now. They were all talking (really, he was mostly listening to them talk) together, but he was sitting far, on a separate bed.
“Okay.” James nodded, opening his arms for Sirius to put his head on James’ lap. “Do you…” he started, “Do you want to tell us? What happened there, when you left dinner? I know she didn’t hurt you, or I wouldn’t wait so long, but oh, Sirius, you don’t know how close I’m to death. From curiosity! I swear, it is killing me!” He quickly removed the smile, “only if you want to, still”
Sirius smiled back, softly. His lips, lips lips lips…
“No, it’s okay. I… I won’t really get into the details, but if I’m being honest, it was just all tears and hugs. She… Though she somehow knew we weren’t talking as soon as she stopped crying enough to notice it. I don’t know how, she just… I was angry, and I wanted to ask where was she and what happened and why she never contacted us - I bet Reg sent letters too - but… well, I don’t know, she just asked if I ran away”
“Hmp.” James raised an eyebrow, implying that it looked way too similar to his own situation that day. “Do you think Scorpia has a way to see people’s secrets? She told me she is a Legilimens, by the way.”
“Yeah, she is.” Sirius eyed him suspiciously. “But she’s not using it, no. It’s… something called psychology, she was, like, obsessed with it my whole childhood, and now… Basically, you see the way she knows what you’re thinking about? Sometimes she knew what I felt without me realizing it. That is actually fun to watch from a distance.” Sirius chuckled at the ceiling.
“Oh, yes, she might have mentioned that she… knew you better than you know yourself. What is that supposed to mean, you think?”
“James?” Sirius sat up, turning to look at his friend. “What the hell were you two really talking about?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing.”
Sirius raised his eyebrows, not dropping his gaze.
“Okay, I might have… um… she will teach me some psychology things…”
“What?!” Sirius sprang up, yelling in his most perfect posh British accent. He didn’t talk like Regulus, yet still. “Prongs! What? Tell me you’re joking.”
“Um. I’m joking?” He tried, ducking his head from a pillow flying to him, sent by Sirius from Peter’s bed. “Moons, help me?” He looked at Remus with hopeful eyes, covering his head with his hands in a house-like position.
Had he forgotten what just happened? Or was he trying to change the topic and laugh it out on purpose?
Anyway, Psychology lessons. Prongs.
Wait, Prongs, psychology lessons?!
“You’re mental” Remus gasped, realizing what it means. Of course he knew about such a thing, and he was suprised that Wizards didn’t. But then, he supposed Legillimency and Imperious were enough.
“No! That’s not fair! It’s two against one!” James whined, throwing another pillow back at Sirius. “Where is my Wormy?”
“Your Wormy didn’t even stay with us to wait for you, just so you know!” Sirius yelled back, now trying to hide behind the half drawn curtain.
“What is happening?” Peter walked into the room, barely on time to duck under a flying T-Shirt, and looked at Remus. The other boy forced out a smile.
He was still worried, but with his friends, it felt like there was space for possibilities. For a possibility, that he, possibly, could one day be okay