"I love you"
Part II: Regulus
February 10th, 1976
Regulus was just reading on his bed, leaning against the headboard, as Evan ran in.
“Hey, mate, why didn’t you tell me she’s so cool?!” He jumped right on Regulus’ bed, nearly hitting his legs.
His friends knew he had a sister. Of course, they’ve seen her during big gatherings or other Sacred-28 events. She loved all of it, seeming to be the only person to actually enjoy dancing. She seduced other boys to dance with her, drank a lot of lemonade, and was almost constantly smiling. He thinks the happiest memory with her happened at the Christmas Ball of 1969. (It was also the same day when he heard her joking with their cousins about the year being “69”, and when he asked her what was so funny, she smiled and ruffled his hair. He gets it now, of course) But nobody ever asked about her unless Regulus started first. And, well, he never did.
“Oi, Reggie, back to earth?” Rosier snapped his fingers in front of his face, and started pulling at his book, trying to take it away. “Come on, she told me to call for you! You are to show up at her bedroom. Go, we’ll gossip later, yeah?”
“Aw, I might not be here later for that” came an exasperated voice from behind Barty’s bed curtains. Regulus stuffed a smile, while Evan jumped in place, startled.
“Dora? The heck are you doing here?”
“Fancy seeing you, too, my lovely brother” Pandora climbed out of Barty’s bed, and, clasping her hands, looked around. “So, dinner? You said Regulus has to go, let him, then. We’ll go eat, please? I am hungry.” She looked expectantly at Evan. He looked down at her.
“Only if you would so kindly explain why the hell you just came out of my best friend’s bed, my lovely sister ?” He raised an eyebrow, and got off Regulus. That got a relieved sigh out of him - he didn’t feel comfortable being touched, in any sense of that word. Rosier glanced at him. “ Your cool sister is expecting you. Tell her I had done my job of warning you perfectly. Don’t die!” He threw over his shoulder, being dragged towards the corridor by Pandora. Their interactions were always fun to watch. They were never “cute”, exactly. But they got along quite well. They still joked around, and teased each other, but they cared. Regulus liked watching them, though it sometimes reminded him of Sirius, and made his heart hurt.
Scorpia is expecting him. That’s interesting. Of course he would love to see her again, to feel her arms around him, to hear her voice. Since the dinner that day, any time she would be out of his eyesight, it felt like something was missing. So, he thought on his way to her room, it was good. And yet still. If she would want to see him she could show up in their common room, right? Or she could call him herself? Therefore, something was off. She wanted to talk to him about something. And that part made him walk a tiny bit slower than he usually would.
He was about to knock, when she called from the inside, “Yeah love, come in”. Something in his stomach twisted, and he opened the door.
“Hey,” he breathed, seeing Scorpia lay on her big professor’s bed, hands under her head, her black curls flowing around the sheets. She looked up at him.
“You are looking at me like I’m an angel” she eyed him, and smirked, pulling herself up on the elbows.
“You are,” he smiled. Why did he say that? What is it about her that made him so bitterly sweet?
“Aw, thank you, that was incredibly kind of you. Though I must confess, I really am not. My last name’s Black! Can you imagine an angel named Black?” Her smile widened. “Come here, sit. Or lay. I don’t know boy, do whatever, I just want to be talking to you.”
He hummed, crawling up the bed to lay at her side. Did she really have nothing specific in mind to talk about, and just wanted to see him? Oh, overthink.
“Did you have anything specific to talk to me about?” He turned his head, facing her profile. The lights were dim, and her beautiful features made him reconsider her answer. What if she was an angel?
“Hm. I like that way of thinking. You’re right, how did you know?” She turned her head, too, looking right at him. Just a few inches apart. He suddenly felt ugly. Unworthy. Not deserving this. This, this beautiful woman looking at him with those beautiful gray eyes, looking, staring, into his soul. With love. She raised her eyebrows, as if judging his thoughts. Did she know what he was feeling? She always did, remember.
“Love,” she switched to whispering, “I just asked you how you came to such a conclusion. I meant that I’m proud of you for noticing, and I wanted to know how. You okay?”
He swallowed. Her being kind and gentle did not help all the terrible things inside his head.
“I don’t know, really. It was mostly a feeling. I thought that if you would want to see me, you could show up in our common room, or call me yourself? Therefore, something was off. You wanted to talk to me about something…” he paused. “I don’t know what, though, just had a feeling.”
She turned her head to look back at the ceiling. It was covered in stars. Did she also talk to the stars, imagining him or Sirius? Or Orion? But then, she never had hidden thoughts. If something worried her, you would know. Yes, that’s why I’m in her bed right now, isn’t it? Was she… Was she talking to the stars before I came, imagining it was me?
“I talk to them, you know.” She said, looking pointedly at Regulus, right in the heart of the Lion constellation. His heart jumped. Is that how she feels, every time she knows what other people are thinking or doing?
“Funny, I just thought about it.” He confessed, himself staring at Sirius’ star. She should have traced his eyes, for the next thing she whispered was:
“What is it, Reg? What do you have to tell him?”
And oh. Oh, so many things. Why did you leave me? Why?! Didn’t you see I couldn’t follow? Didn’t you see? And, You were hurt. I'm sorry I couldn't stop them, I couldn't step in for you as you always had for me. I’m glad you’re safe, oh I’m so glad you’re safe, please be safe all the time, And, also, James. James, he takes up so much of your time. You would always choose him over me. James, James, James. Why Sirius, why? Couldn’t you be like all of us? I love you so much, I do. Why can’t I say it? Why did it take me so much time to say it?
And, laying on his back in his sister’s room, looking at Sirius, the star he talked so much to from the astronomy tower, he felt sad. For the first time this year, he didn’t have any anger. Any fear. He was sad, sad about everything that happened with him and Sirius. He just… he just wanted him back. Back, joking and teasing each other, rolling his eyes or throwing sarcastic jokes. Just come back to me. Don’t come back to this house anymore, but please come back to me. Please…
“I see,” she nodded slightly, and softly added, “but I asked you to tellme. Go out loud, please?”
“I don’t—” he stopped, hearing his own strangled voice. He wasn’t crying, was he? No, not yet. Yet. Am I going to? But then, what else would Scorpia want from me, with such questions?
“Regulus. I can see your thoughts pacing. Don’t worry about it, just start thinking out loud, okay? I don’t want a full answer in an essay form, I just want to know what you feel.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Sorry I’m so hard to deal with.
“No.” No, don’t apologize to me.
“Right…” But I am, am I not? “I have a lot of things to say. I… As I said back then, I just think I don’t know what to feel, how to react, so I blame him for leaving me. Yes, I know, he didn’t have a choice. They hurt him, and I’m..- I’m glad he’s safe. I am. But I feel like…” like everyone just left me behind, forgetting about it like a shadow.
“We didn’t leave you, Reg. We didn’t leave you . ” She understood. Of course she did.
“I know. Yes, I… I know”. Something warm ran down his right cheek. Was he crying, now?
She took his hand in hers, and started rubbing little circles into his palm. It felt good, but nothing compared to all the emotions filling him right now. Yes, he cried since Sirius left. Right after, at home. And then at Hogwarts, with Pandora. But… But Scorpia, there was always something about her. Something calming, grounding, while at the same time she would make you face all your emotions, all your hidden thoughts and bruises. It was scary, although he was never scared.
“That night,” she started, “you were surprised you couldn’t say it, weren’t you?”
He could feel her eyes on him. Yes, he was shocked. Scared. Angry. They said “I love you” to one another many times before, Scorpi would make them after any fight. What made it a problem now ?
She probably saw something in him, and continued. “I don’t want you to worry about it. It’s not okay, no.” That stung, even though she was right. It was never that hard before. “But it happens. When was the last time you told him, huh?” She forced a sad smile, still looking at him. He couldn’t look back. It was… it was his second year, Christmas. Walburga had gone crazy after having an almost full bottle of wine, and was cutting his legs with Lacero, for staying in the kitchens with their house elf, Kreacher. Regulus couldn’t walk. After she left him crying on the floor in her office, Sirius came, helped him get to his room and clean the cuts. They spent the night together, talking about their parents and things at Hogwarts. He thinks it was the last time they were ever so close.
“Second year…”
“Yours?”
“Yeah…”
And, tears. A lot of tears. They started pouring, just raining out of nowhere. He was crying, crying so hard, for a moment he thought he’d choke. What is it that made him start crying? Thinking about that Christmas night? Thinking about… the other Christmas night? Why has Christmas always brought trouble. Was he feeling sorry for Sirius? Or himself?
“Oh, come here,” Scorpia opened her arms, turning to the side, so when he scooted closer, his face was buried in her neck. Their dark curls mixed together. She smelled of tea roses, parchment and mint candies.
“You’re okay,” she whispered, “we’re both still here, you know? Nous n’allons nulle part, nous ne partirons jamais et ne t’oublierons jamais. Et tu l’aimes, je le sais. Aussi longtemps que tu pourras le penser, aussi longtemps que tu pourras le ressentir en toi. Tu le diras, ne t’inquiète pas.” She squeezed him tighter. “When he said he loves you, it made you cry. Regulus? Were you doubting it?” He was in no state to reply, and she knew that. Even if he could, he thought, he wouldn’t know what. Was he doubting it, really? At that moment it just felt like too much. Like the best and the worst days ever, combined. Scorpia was there, he was so happy she came back. And then, when Sirius told him he loves him. As if they both just stepped on his bruises, making everything hurt, but leaving him to want more. It was a feeling too hard to explain, so he just… cried. Weak, something whispered from inside. Scorpia went on, “It makes me so sad to watch you two. And not in a “you disappoint me” way, I’m just really, really sorry that I wasn’t here. That I couldn’t even write to you. I just disappeared from the lives of two teenage brothers. What kind of person am I, mhm?” he could feel her smile, but still knew it bothered her. He would’ve told her it was their Mother’s fault, not Scorpia’s, but he still couldn’t speak. He was slowly calming down, though, breathing her scent in, again and again.
She was here now. It will be better. Everything will be better. “I won’t leave again. She wouldn’t make me. I will find myself a little house, probably somewhere close to the Potters.” He winced. “I can take you to come with me, you know? I could even take custody of you. If you want. It’s okay if you want to leave everything as it is, really. I would visit you everyday, and you could come to mine anytime, too. You can even see Sirius, if Mother doesn’t know. How does that sound?” She smiled into his hair. He stopped crying by now, breathing heavily in her arms. He moved his head in an attempt to nod. “God, I could never let you go. Please tell me anything and everything that bothers you, anytime, okay?” She put her hand in his hair, playing with the curls. “Do you get along with your friends well? They’re good. They behaved like I wasn’t the one to threaten if they harm you, but them. Me, as your sister, would I ever do anything to you? I guess those poor kids expect anything from our family.” Scorpia chuckled. “Pandora was really nice. She tried to be all quiet and observant, but I could practically taste her curiosity in the air. Do you think she liked me?” He couldn’t help but smile, somewhere into her neck. He supposed she felt it, and smiled back. “Barty was okay, he seems like a kid who’s used to all the blood purity nonsense. I bet he’s different around all of you, and then acts pleasant with adults, isn’t he? And Evan. He’s loyal. I thought he was going to kill me at first, probably thought I was like Walburga… I’m glad you have a friend like him. Do you know if those two are dating?”
“What?!” Regulus pulled away, and stared at her in shock.
She slowly smiled, once again. “Evan and Barty. Do they… like each other?” There was a twinkle in her eyes, something about fun and mischief.
He sat up. What was she on about? Those two were just friends. Best friends, really. They were closer than him and Evan, he always knew that. They were always around. It even sometimes made him think of Sirius and James, Sirius being Barty and James Evan. They. Were. Always. Around. Each. Other.
And, well, now that he thinks about it. All those little touches Evan sneaked all the time, those funny looks Barty sent him across the table. Regulus always looked at it as some humor only known to them. But if he looked more closely… It fits. They fit. And no, they weren’t like Sirius and James. They were like Sirius and Remus, always orbiting around one another.
He kept staring, wide eyed, at his sister, laying in front of him, watching his face. “Thought so”, her smile widened.
No, no, hold on. Can’t be. They like each other? Or are they dating? Secretly? Behind everyone’s eyes? Why didn’t they tell me? They don’t trust me? Had they… what were they doing every time they stayed in the dorm just a little longer, telling me they’d catch up? Oh Merlin.
“Hey, it’s okay, don’t let me regret what I told you! They can make out, why not?”
No, but how casual that sounded on her lips. They can snog, why not? Because they can’t! Evan just turned 15, they celebrated his birthday a week ago. How could they…— how…— they were friends!
“I can literally see your brain boiling up, Reg. Breathe out, please. Are you going to confront them? So what? To stop them?”
“No” his voice sounded croaked, and after all the crying he’d just done, it hurt him to speak, a little.
He knew he wasn’t going to stop them. Whatever it is, or however hard it is to believe, they were his friends. Best friends. They deserved to be happy, and if that’s how it is, who was he to mind? It was just… it was weird.
“Yeah, I know, love. Takes time to process. Don’t be mad at them for not telling you, okay? I would bet they’re too scared to say anything, even between themselves. Be careful with it, please?”
Regulus nodded. No, he won’t confront them. Not for now. He would wait at least a few more weeks, just to watch them, keeping the thought in mind.
“Good. Now, how do we feel about tea?” She smiled, and sat up, too. He nodded again, still struggling to find his voice. She leaned closer to kiss his head, and got up to make tea.
So many things happened. And he couldn’t make sense out of any of it.
Barty and Evan are lovers, not friends.
Sirius… it’s hard, but he cried and felt better. He will probably have to go talk to him… Sometime.
Scorpia is here. She’s here, she’s with them. Things will get better. They have to.