Back to Black

Part I: James

February 8th, 1976.

“Have you heard the rumors?” Marlene came down into the Gryffindor common room, stealing Mary’s blanket and settling right next to the girl.

“Professor Hendricks, you mean?” Sirius asked without looking away from his transfiguration homework. He had, apparently, been sitting here for hours before James got back from the pitch.

“Hendricks? Is he okay?”

“Oh why, you love him, Monny?” James raised an eyebrow, for which got a pillow thrown at his face.

“He’s alright. At least I’m not following him around everywhere with big dog eyes like you do with Mrs. Cat!” After that, Remus was the one to get the pillow in his head, followed by:

“Hey, we don't do that! It's not our fault McGonagall is a good teacher!” 

“Yeah, yeah”, Mary joined in. Noticing Marlene’s unimpressed look, Remus spoke “What rumors, Marls?”

“People say he left the school? Some say he got killed, like it was an assassination. You know how rumors spread here. Some say it was an accident. Probably just sick, but I guess we’ll find out at dinner.”

“Well, that’s fun. We have Defense Against the Dark Arts tomorrow first thing. Do you reckon they’ll cancel it if he’s not here?” James thought out loud, while trying to get a glimpse of Sirius’ work. The essay was way too boring to write it by himself.

“Hope so…” Sirius muttered, throwing his hand over the parchment, and moving away. James showed him his tongue, and turned to Remus. 

“No, no, I haven’t even done that yet. It’s due in a week! As I said, following around.”

“Oi!” Now Sirius responded, “We’re just trying to study . Not all of us are such naturals as you, Moony! Anyway, dinner, you said? Everyone wanna go now? I’m done, so.”

“Let’s go! I’m starving!” James jumped off from his spot on the table, heading towards the portrait. 

“Absolutely agree. Should we grab Peter, though? Where is he even?” Remus was right behind them, watching, with disgust, Sirius harshly shove his homework into his bag. “How long was I here?”

“I think he’s in some cupboard? Last time I checked he was with one of those Hufflepuff girls of his.” James observed, waving to Marlene and Mary, and exited into the corridor. 

“Yeah, won’t disturb him then. I can’t believe Peter is the one who is shagging on every corner, it’s been barely a month since the start of the term!” 

“What are you, jealous, Black?” Remus nudged him.

“Oi! As if you’re the one to talk!”

“What?! And what is that supposed to mean?”

“That means your girlfriend is Madam Pince! Seriously, is there anything going on between you two? You know it's illegal, right?”

“See, you’re jealous again! Do you have any other, not selfish emotions inside of you, Padfoot?”

And so the bickering went on and on. Their fifth year was especially hard for Remus’ and Sirius’ relationship, for some reason. They would fight, mostly starting as a joke, and then growing into actual insults and name calling. It got worse after this Christmas… The way Remus stiffened any time Sirius came close to him, or the pleading look in his eyes as he yelled back. He blamed it on the moon, at first, then on Sirius’ sister. They had talked about her a few more times, and he still seemed to be bothered, but it got easier with time. So, when he couldn’t find what to blame it on anymore, he just marked it “weird” in his brain and let it be.

Consumed in his thoughts, James found the three of them entering the Great Hall. They found a seat next to Lily and Wormtail, who was already there, despite all the mocking. James sat with his back to the wall, just so he could watch Regulus all the way across the hall. The boy sat there, looking confused. Prongs found that disturbing, for Regulus was always the type of person to keep his head high and know exactly what he’s doing or where he’s going. Now he reminded James of a small boy, looking confused and surprised and… was he looking at the professors table? Before he could properly trace his gaze, Dumbledore’s voice echoed through the room.

“Good Evening, dear students. I have an unfortunate announcement to make. You might have heard the whispers about our dear Defense Against the Dark Arts professor’s, Mr, Hendricks' disappearance.” He made a pause, probably to let the words sink in. However, James had something else that sank - his stomach. At this point, both Regulus and Sirius were staring into the professor table. He tried to kick Sirius under the table, and even whisper his name a few times, but he seemed absolutely consumed in his staring. He had the same look of shock and confusion on his face, and was there… pain? “And, they are true. However, you must know not to believe everything people say. He was forced to leave because of a family emergency.” Dumbledore went on. James now followed Sirius’ eyes, and, of course, landed on the new DADA teacher. She was a young woman, around her twenties, with dark curls, (looking so much like Regulus’, he noticed) and high cheekbones, with an aristocratic expression, which he didn’t even know was a thing before this moment, on her pale face. “As we await his return, we have a new teacher for the spoken subject. Please, welcome Ms. Scorpia Black.”

And then it hit him. It hit him so hard he almost fell off the bench. Luckily, Remus caught him by his elbow, whispering in his ear: “Is that his sister he’s been on about?”, sounding as surprised as Sirius looked. Oh, so Sirius told him about her, then. Good. Will be less things to deal with. He nodded shortly to Remus, and ducked under the table, after a few seconds appearing at Sirius’ side. He definitely looked like he needed help sitting up, so James pushed himself close, squeezing his shoulder. 

As soon as Dumbledore sat down, she got up, and after whispering something to McGonagall, started her way down the hall. He should probably call her professor Black, but couldn’t quite bring himself to. Scorpia, he tasted the name on his lips, in a whisper to Sirius’ ear. But he didn’t notice. He then tried to look back at Regulus, whose eyes were still following the woman, as she was coming close to the Gryffindor table. Sirius shook James’ arm off in a slow manner, and got up from the bench without looking away. Her eyes were on him the whole time, too, as she walked with her shoulders spread, head high, and hands carefully folded at the height of her waist. The hall seemed to fall quiet, all following her intensely. 

She came to a stop, standing right in front of Sirius. Hours passed. Minutes. Probably just a few seconds, really. But it felt big. She then took his face in her hands, and fiercely kissed the top of his head. Letting go, she hugged him. So tight that James thought he heard Sirius let out a noise. Maybe he was crying. Oh, god, was he crying? He was tall, but she was taller, which made him bury his face somewhere in her neck. After yet another eternity, she let go, and took a step back.

Remus whispered something of a kind “and here I thought Black’s weren’t capable of affection”, Peter kept nudging everyone with questions about what’s happening. Maybe he asked James too, but he couldn’t notice. His whole world was, now, around Regulus. He looked… Even from such a distance, James could tell the look of hurt in his eyes. He must think about Sirius running away, and then her still talking to him? But then, she wouldn’t know, would she? Or was it that she had gone to Sirius first? 

He looked back at Scorpia, only to find her looking at Regulus, too. They stared at each other for a long time, and then she turned, still holding Sirius’ hand with hers as if never willing to let go, and started walking towards the entrance. Or, the exit, in that case. Regulus got up and went out right after them. 

“Oh, come on!” Peter said, a little bit too loud, so some heads turned towards him. He regretted it immediately, but it did get James out of the clouds. And so, he and Remus started explaining.

***

Part II: Scorpia

February 8th, 1976.

Oh. 

Oh oui. 

S'il te plaît. S'il vous plaît, s'il vous plaît, oui. 

Régulus. J'ai besoin de le voir, pourquoi est-il derrière moi? J'ai besoin de le voir, j'ai besoin de le toucher, MAINTENANT. 

Sirius. Ses mains sont chaudes. Bien. Oh mon Dieu, je ne les laisserai jamais partir.

Scorpia walked out of the Great Hall, dragging silent Sirius by his hand, Regulus following them not too far behind. She walked confident and fast, turning right abruptly at the corner.

Touchez-le, 

touchez-le, 

touchez-le, 

MAINTENANT.

“Colloportus!” She cast as soon as they entered the room. It was her new bedroom, McGonagall was showing it to her just yesterday. But it felt like eternity, being locked up in these four walls when both her brothers were just so close nearby. 

Brothers. 

“Régulus”. Barely a second passed, and she finally let go of Sirius and was now clutching Reg tightly, one hand at the back of his head. Oh mon Dieu. Oui enfin. Je l'aime. Je l'aime, je l'aime, je l'aime. “Je t'aime. Oh, comme vous m'avez manqué tous les deux. Je t'aime, Je t'aime. Tu m'as tellement manqué.” She kept whispering into his hair, crying without realizing it. Sirius, she thought, but didn’t want to let go. No, not yet. It felt so good. She was here. He was safe.

“Sirius,” she still said, opening one arm, the other never leaving Regulus, “viens.” 

And he joined the hug. Oh, how good it felt, to have both of them in her arms. They grew up so much. Last time she saw Sirius he was 11, about to leave for Hogwarts. It was one of the hardest nights she ever had, for it had been way too hard to hold herself from crying. She had to stay strong for him. But herself… Well, Cissy was there right after. She helped. But she had to go to Hogwarts, too, so the night of 2nd September was when she cried all her tears out, and by the morning was left with swollen eyes and no thoughts present. And then she left. 

It wasn’t her idea, exactly. In fact, she even tried to fight back, which she never did before. But helpless. She had been sent off to France for some stupid Dark Arts education. It was interesting, yes. But the first year she spent thinking about Sirius’ first year at Hogwarts. (And those letters he sent a few times did not help a tiny bit, only made it worse, if she’s honest.) And, most importantly, Regulus’ year alone at home… It was scary. Her second year there got better. She turned 19, finally found interest in her education, and eventually met her boyfriend. The years after that were easier. But she had still never spent a day without thinking of her brothers.

So, when one morning she got a letter from Dumbledore, asking her if she would like the position of a DADA professor starting next Monday, she collected all her things that same evening, and having written back to the Headmaster, took off.

And now she was hugging a 14 year old Reg and a 16 year old Sirius, almost as old as she was on their last day together. They were all crying at his point, really. She pulled away to take a breath, though her whole body was screaming. Had to tell herself that they’re safe in her room, and she won’t lose them the second she lets go. 

“Oh my god”, Scorpia smiled, wiping her eyes carefully with a single finger. English was coming back to her, though it was hard. She knew they both spoke French easily, too, but decided to take this as her practice for the upcoming school term. 

“Hi?” She tried, smiling again.

“Hiya”, Sirius replied between his sobs, smiling back.

“Hey” Regulus said softly, visibly struggling to keep himself from following Sirius’ example. “You want to explain anything?” After calming down a little, he took the armchair that stood in front of the bed, and looked at Scorpi.

“Which part of this do you want explained?” Her smile shifted. 

“I don’t know…” he whispered, but Sirius took over:

“Maybe the one where you left us one day, stopped answering any letters, and after 6 years suddenly appeared as our new teacher, without a single word ?!”

Yeah, well, she knew he was gonna get angry. Okay, let’s get to it then. 

“…you left us…”, so he’s feeling hurt from being left behind. Did he want to go to France too?! No, no way, he’s been too excited for Hogwarts. Well then he just feels neglected? Obviously. Oh love, I'm so sorry. “…suddenly…” so he’s emphasizing. Is he scared that I would think it’s normal, otherwise? Did that already happen? No, couldn’t have. So he’s just self-conscious, probably thinking that it’s not the right way to have a reunion. But he still speaks his feelings. Good then, I’m proud. Well, the last part is obvious enough. He would expect a letter with “I’m coming to your school isn’t that crazy huh?”. Well, sorry again, but no. His reaction in that case… Better not to even think about it. 

“I didn’t leave you Sirius. And you know why I hadn’t replied. I couldn’t . I read all your letters when I could sneak them in, and I’m sorry I couldn’t reply. I really am. I am sorry I had to leave, but I never wanted to, and you know that! And I am sorry you had to deal with anything that happened without me. You had each other, though.” 

Sirius sent a brief look at Regulus, but it didn’t escape Scorpia’s eye. “Yeah. Sure. Why not maybe tell me in advance you were coming to the school ?” 

He sent a brief look at Regulus. He sent a look at Regulus. I said “you had each other”, and he sent him a look. Qu'est-ce que c'est censé vouloir dire?! Are they fighting? Did they fight before? Was he not there for him? Also what does “…tell me” mean? Why “me”, why not “us”? Had he stopped seeing them as two? But hasn’t he just used it?… Yes, when he said that “you left us ”. So… Her mind was pacing a hundred thoughts per second, rating all his little movements, Regulus' possible reaction to that look, and scanning and rewatching in her mind what had just happened. It had to mean something , right?

“Scorp?” Her name spoken softly out of Sirius’ lips caught her out of her thoughts. Based on his tone of voice it wasn’t the first time he’d called her. But it didn’t matter, there was something that mattered much, much more.

“Are you… are you two not talking?” In what would be a shaky voice, if not the years of self training, Scorpia asked the boys raising her eyes to watch their faces.

She now was trying to remember the hug they just had. Was there anything uncomfortable about it? But there were way too many good emotions, just flowing in the air, feeling her head and heart and the whole body… 

“Yeah. Kind of”, Regulus’ lips curled in a mean smirk, his eyes staring at the back of Sirius’ head, who had now turned towards the window. So he left the conversation, then? It is something he feels guilty about. Oh, god, did he do something to Reg?! Hold on, stop. That was an emotion right there. Don’t let your scanning have emotio… OH SHUT UP! How about Regulus himself? What was that mean smirk about? He’s hiding something, obviously, that’s what all our pure blood families used to do at the parties. Something hurts? You suppress it. But… what?

“What happened? Regulus, what happened?” She had turned her full attention on him, knowing there is no use asking Sirius. He was looking out the window, so he wouldn’t reply. 

“The poor selfish guy who’s talking about your forced leave as an “you left us” had just, only and simply, ran away from all his problems, again. Our Mother had burned your pretty little face off that thing, did you know that?” Regulus talked with his head high, eyes never leaving Sirius’ back. Any clues to reсent tears were fully gone. He had practice. I’ll have to talk to him. What happened, what did they do?

“Oh, so I’m pretty?” Without turning his head Sirius replied, sounding unamused, starting to pick at the paint on the window. All previous anger seemed to disappear into thin air.

But Scorpia’s mind was already pacing, once again. Those two were impossible! “ The poor selfish guy” - neglect, he feels left behind. “Your forced leave” - he’s either trying to make me feel like he’s on my side… No, Reg wouldn’t think like that. So he had really forgiven me, then. Ouah. Je suis heureux. “Only and Simply” - he doesn't agree with Sirius’ reasons. Or, knowing Regulus (which you don’t because you weren’t here…NOT NOW), he could agree but feel so hurt that he wishes he would disagree. I will look into that later. “Ran away from all his problems' '. What. “.., again”. What. What. What. “Burned your pretty little face”. What. “…off that thing”. What. 

“SIRIUS!” Scorpia jumped up from her bed with a yelp, causing Sirius to swirl around and stare back at her. With… with tears in his eyes. Oh no, she couldn’t stand it. There are a lot of things to be said, surely. But not Sirius crying, standing right there, right in front of her. She closed the distance between them in a few seconds, and hugged him again. Resting his head on her shoulder, he started crying even harder. 

“Sirius”, she now repeated more softly, inhaling his scent, pulling comfortingly at his curls. Regulus was probably rolling his eyes or doing something else teenager-y behind them, but she couldn’t care less right now. “Sirius, did you leave that house, love? When?” She whispered in his ear, squeezing him harder. “Did you run away? Did she really disown you?” He had to hear these words from her, in this soft manner. She knew he did. So the memory won’t be glued to Regulus’ mean smirk behind his back, but so he would share it with her soft hug. However, it didn’t make them hurt any less. 

“Chri-stma-christams”, he forced out through his tears. Oh no, this won’t be good. Scorpia moved them a little, coming closer to the bed. Then she sat down, pulling him into her lap. He isn’t 10 anymore, but she’s not 17, either. 

“Hey. I know you have to cry, I would guess you hadn’t since then. But know that I will still need you to talk to me, yeah?” She started tugging at his hair slowly again, pulling away a little to let him breathe in. And raised her eyes. At Regulus. Who was sitting in front of her, looking, once again, at Sirius’ back, completely shocked . Had he not realized running away would hurt? How much does that mess you up as a person, not having a home? She had to ask where he'd gone, after. But for now, it’s Reg. He caught her eye, and tried to erase the shock from his face. It was too late though, and he’d known that. He swallowed, “She… they…”, he kept looking at her. And she made sure to keep their eyes this way, to let him know she’s here now, whatever stuff had happened between the boys during her absence. “What is it?” She would like to hear the story from Sirius first, of course, but if it’s something even Regulus can’t say properly… she probably shouldn’t expect Sirius to. Reg was struggling. He swallowed again, trying for the second time. “They.. he… It was… Crucio. They..” he cut himself off, continuing to stare at his sister. 

But for her, the world stopped. 

Crucio.

Crucio.

This bitch. 

“They what now?” She asked calmly, almost smiling. Though, Regulus knew how her rage looked. So he didn’t argue.

“Crucio. Five.. five times” 

Cette salope absolument dégoûtante, la plus méchante et la plus cruelle dont j'ai jamais entendu parler, paiera pour sa putain…

She didn’t know if she should run and kill, or if she should meditate and focus on that anger, to untangle it, or if she should cling harder on her crying brother in her lap, right now. 

The only thing left to do was to cry.

She leaned back against the wall, pulling Sirius closer, so his head fell on her chest, and started whispering. “Hey, mon amour? Vous êtes ici maintenant. Vous êtes dans mon bureau. Et tu es loin de ce qui s’est passé. Tu es en sécurité. En sécurité, en sécurité, en sécurité. Tout ira bien pour vous et Regulus, je sais que ce sera le cas. Il s'inquiète pour toi, tu sais?” She paused to kiss his head, “Oh, tu as été si courageux et si bon. Je suis tellement, tellement fier de toi. Je ne suis pas sûr d’avoir le droit de l’être… mais c’était si dur pour toi, et tu es toujours là. Vous avez pris de bonnes décisions, un bon travail.”, another kiss, “Je t'aime tellement, tellement. Arrête de pleurer maintenant. Parle-moi, s'il te plaît?”

Sirius had calmed down a little by now, and looked up. Scorpia wiped the tears away from his cheeks with her hand, and smiled at him sadly. “Where have you been staying?”

“James” he breathed out, as if the name already meant the world to him. She guessed it probably did. Of course, Scorpia remembered James Potter from Sirius’ letters in his first year. And, of course, she knew who he was just by seeing him walk into the Great Hall with Sirius and another boy. And, of course, Minerva told her all about “The Marauders” yesterday.

“Good. Are you okay there?” She tilted her head, continuing to softly clean his face. 

“Yeah… Yeah I’m okay” he nodded a few times. 

“Good. Now. Reg.” She turned her head towards Regulus, who was covering his face with both hands, elbows on his knees. “Reg? Look at me?”

And he raised his head. Hurt was all over his face, and now, all over her mind. Hurt. He’s hurt. Pain. It hurts him. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, get him out. But he’s not the one for affection. It could help sometimes, but it won’t help him solve anything. So she had to stuff all the thoughts to the back of her head, and ask instead:

“You know I’m mad at you, right?”

He paused, blinking. “Yeah, I… I’m sorry about what I said earlier… I guess I…”

“No. I’m glad you realize that wasn’t the right thing to say, but I didn’t mean it. I mean why would you stay ?!” She glared at him, and he, caught off guard, stared back. He looked like he was about to say “I didn’t have a choice”, and, oh no, she wasn’t ready to hear any of that.

“No, no. I know I totally don’t understand everything right now, but there is no way Sirius would leave you without asking you to go with him. I know it. And if I’m not right, I am walking out of this room and never seeing any of you again.” Now, that was some overreaction… but she refused to believe Sirius would just leave silently. More even, she refused to believe Regulus didn't follow. When he was a kid, he used to follow Sirius everywhere . Judging from their conversation he wasn’t there for him even in Hogwarts. So, yes, she is quite mad at Regulus. 

“I… I couldn’t. They…”

“Did they threaten you? Did they hurt you, too?!” 

“No.” And he shut himself off. Yeah, he didn’t become easier. Oh well.

“Now, stop thinking whatever it is that you’re thinking, and be honest. Just say what you feel. I’m already mad, so nothing here would get you out. Just say how it is, yes?”

“They need me.” He raised his eyes at her once more. The same expression of hurt hurt hurt on his face. Oh, how could you stay mad? But, once again, you can’t solve months-old problems by hugging, so.

“They need you? To be the second heir? You realize you have me, right? If you stayed with that old thing just so I won’t be alone, I'd be pissed.”

“I know. Yeah, I know. But I couldn’t. I can’t. They wouldn’t have let us go as easily as they had with him.”

“So you stayed just so Sirius could get away?” 

“I- I guess so. Not the- the only reason, but mostly…” He looked away again, not able to hold eye contact anymore. So unlike him. 

“And what do you feel?” He answered the thoughts question, but not the feelings one. Well, the hurt part was obvious. 

“I don’t know what to feel…” he breathed, barely a whisper. But she knew the feeling. They would have to talk alone. For now, there was one more thing on her list. 

“Okay. It’s okay, we’ll talk later. I can’t stay mad for long when you two are like this. I’m losing my grip, aren’t I? Now, I want you to do the last thing.” Scorpia turned to look at Sirius now. They all knew what she was talking about. She made them do it any time they would fight or something else would happen. So, Sirius was the one who collected his thoughts first, and whispered, “I love you, Reg. Whatever happened, I always wanted you to come with me, and I hate you for making me feel guilty all the time, but you’re still my brother, I still love you.”

Now, someone might think those words would sound fake on Sirius’ lips. But oh, how affectionate he could be. And how smart. She couldn’t be prouder with him right now. Squeezing his shoulder, her eyes went to Reg. A barely noticeable tear ran down his cheek, that she was sure Sirius didn’t notice. But she did. And it hurt. Again. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I love—“ he fell quiet. Well, that’s something new. There is shock in his eyes. He can’t say “I love you” back? God, what have I missed… I hope it doesn’t hurt Sirius as much as it hurts me right now. “I love you too,” he did force himself to finish the sentence. “I don’t… I just don’t know what to think, so I try to blame you?” He tried. 

“Wow. Have you had practice over these years? I’m so proud of you two. I love you.” 

She said it now, too.