Toujourus Pur
Part I: James
17 January 1976
James watched Sirius get up from his chair, make a few circles around the table and the bookshelves, and sit back down. He stared at the blank piece of parchment laying on the table in front of him. Padfoot has been acting strange lately. It’s clear that something was bugging him. Well, that’s obvious. This Christmas his whole family run-away thing happened… But he seemed okay at first. Was it sinking in? No matter what, James didn’t want to leave him alone for long. So, after dinner, he ran by their dorm to check out the map and take the invisibility cloak, and trailed after Sirius. Usually the cloak made him feel safe, being unseen while listening to people's secrets. But now… it was Pads, after all. He felt like a coward, standing right there, watching his best friend get torn apart by some mysterious feeling. Therefore he creeped a few rows further into the library, and putting the cloak in his bag, started toward Sirius:
"Hey Padfoot, alright?" He could hear him jump up at James' voice, and as soon as he walked close enough to see each other, noticed Sirius shuffling around.
"Oh, hi, yeah, you? I... I just wanted to study for the transfiguration exam tomorrow," he answered quickly, struggling to hide something away.
James came closer, and made a face. The parchment he was staring at, just a few moments ago, was gone. Was that what he wanted so desperately to hide? "Hmph. Care if I join?"
"Sure, yeah, um...", Sirius said, absent-mindedly waving his hands around the table, and then moving out a chair for James to sit on.
James squinted. "And here I was, thinking you were the best at lying. Apparently not to me", he chuckled. It wasn’t time for jokes, really. Plus, it did hurt. He thought, apparently being naive, that Sirius would never hide anything from him. He tried to prompt him. "Tell me", he took a seat in front of his friend.
"No..."
"No?" Ouch. But why? What is it I don't know? Do you not trust me? Am I not enough? Sirius, I’m here, I want to listen. Tell me!
“Sorry. I Can't. Just no.”
***
Remus walked into the common room, waving a scroll around. "Hey! Have you gotten your results yet?" He threw his paper at the low table in the middle of the room, and smiled wickedly.
"Woah, lemme see!" James jumped over the couch, and stared into the paper.
"Can you even understand anything in there?" Sirius smiled sarcastically at James from his spot on the floor. He was sitting next to the fire, an unnaturally calm position for him. Of course, they got their results earlier that day from Minnie. Sirius got an "O" on that test, and was quite proud of himself. While James got an "E", and was now, apparently, the main point of teasing.
"Oh, shut up Padfoot, it's just one test. Or what, you became all smart out of a sudden? Good grades, no detentions for a week.” He showed his tongue, turning to face Sirius. And noticed something in his hand. “Hold on, is that a book you're reading? So you started reading now, too, huh? Gimme that!" He moved closer in a second, trying to knock the book out of his friend's hand.
"It's mine, thank you very much", Sirius stood up abruptly, and covering the book title with his black jacket, walked out through the portrait.
"What’s up with him?" James asked Remus, who seemed even more shocked. "Any news from his family?" The boy's voice got quiet, although they were alone in the common room, and his face serious.
"I dunno..." Moony murmured, slowly reaching for his test back, without removing his eyes from the space Sirius just left through. "Nothing wrong with reading, though!”
“No, of course not. You know I didn’t mean it like that. You think he didn’t get it? But Pads always knows what I mean!”
Remus shrugged. “He was like that for some time. I thought maybe you guys had an argument, but you didn't, did you?"
"I mean. Not that I know of", as confused, James shrugged too and went out after Sirius.
***
"Hey, Padfoot, wait!" He yelled after his friend, running through the dark corridors of Hogwarts.
Sirius stopped at the entrance to the park, whirling around. "Leave me, Prongs, it's nothing. I’ll just go around the castle..um.. before sleep.”
"Without the cloak?” James looked at the fabric, clutching it between his hands. He paused. “What happened to you?" He was still catching his breath, no matter the twice-a-day-Quidditch-practice and his morning runs. Of course, he didn't even think of getting offended by Sirius's words. The boy really didn’t want to deal with it himself, sometimes Blacks just say the fully opposite thing of what they feel. He had learnt that. "So you hide something, don't talk, distance yourself - didn't even talk to me for the past week during the nights - now you start getting good grades and reading books you won't even let us see!"
"Alright, listen mate, I'm sorry if my effort in my studies upsets you, if the sorry is what you want. Just leave me alone, would you?"
"No! I wouldn't, and you know that - if you don't, we're not mates - so now, tell me. You can't and won't get away." The words were flying out ten times faster than usual, which was quite a record for James - Can't - Shut Up - Potter. Sirius took a few breaths, then a few steps, and slowly slid down the cold stone wall to sit on the dump grass, looking exhausted. Well, good, at least now we’ll talk, James rolled his eyes, internally.
"Are you sure you want to hear this?" Sirius looked calmer, other than sad, and James got down next to him. He thought there was no way he would leave his friend, not when he was in that state. So he nodded, casting a warming charm on the grass underneath them.
28th of July, 1971
"Hey, time for dinner" Scorpia walked into the room and leaned against the doorframe as I raised my eyes. She was wearing a simple white dress with a dark green corset, but on her, literally everything looked exquisite. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who thinks she's gorgeous. Maybe Reg thought so too.
I, however, still think so. One would probably say she looks mean and scary. And, well, she could, if she needed to. I always saw her as the most beautiful and the most kind person ever. Back then, she was 18. I was 11, and Reg 10. We had... what you could call a warm relationship. Except for my parents, of course.
That night, I was yet to see what changes would happen. As we entered the room to join the dinner, holding our backs straight and keeping straight faces, like we’ve been taught, Walburga scanned us with her cold eyes.
"Sit down", she ordered. "As you may realize, it is the end of summer soon, Sirius, and you are getting your acceptance letter", I had expected this topic to come up, of course. Though Hogwarts sounded too magical to believe. The freedom of going anywhere and doing anything, was, in fact, exciting. Her voice snapped me back to reality. "Of course, we must expect no friendships or any types of connections with non-pure...", She was probably struggling to pull out the word "wizards" from her mouth, but couldn't quite call the mud-bloods so. Therefore, she shook her head in a barely noticeable gesture, and continued, like everyone understood her anyway. "I hope it is well known to you, by now.
"Your sister", she then forced a smile to Scorpia, "has made us proud by reaching... quite some achievements." Removing the smile, she turned to face me again. Waving Kreacher with a sauce away, she continued, "For five hundred years the Blacks had been chosen to attend Slytherin. Phineas Nigellus Black honored our family by being a proud Slytherin and later on becoming a Headteacher at Hogwarts. Araminta Meliflua, my dear cousin, has worked so hard to improve the Ministry's views on the purity of magic blood. And other great and gallant people had contributed to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black." Mother was talking slow and cold, adding a fierce look to her words, as if trying to read my soul. I prayed that she wouldn't actually apply legilimency.
She then abruptly stopped, but the cold atmosphere had not shifted a tiny bit. I felt empty, as if I betrayed the whole family and they hated me. I poked through my Prime Rib with sauce Au Jus, and was eager to leave. I knew not to get up from the table before our Father does though, even if I'm done. So I spoke instead.
"Are you saying I will be chosen by another house? What, Gryffindor?" I held my head high and smiled, refusing to believe her accusations. I am a disappointment to them, surely, but why would she imply that I won't get into Slytherin? To mess with them? Hm, I could try...
"Gryffindor? You dare even speak of such nonsense to me? Your flippancy does you no credit, Sirius. Every Black for generations has been sorted into Slytherin, as befits our noble lineage. The very notion of you in any other house is preposterous.”
She paused here, her eyes narrowing dangerously before continuing:
"But make no mistake, boy. Should you somehow manage to disgrace us by landing yourself anywhere but Slytherin, Gryffindor would be the least of your concerns. I'd sooner blast you off that tapestry than have a son in gold and red." Her voice lowered to a cold, menacing tone, "You are a Black. You will be in Slytherin. There is no other option. Did I make myself clear?"
She did, really. Hearing about being removed from the tapestry made something in my stomach make a flip.
I didn’t consider myself a child. No, not anymore. But to be on that family tree… The drawing of my face had its own place in that childish part of my heart. It felt marvelous. Important. Everyone knew how much I adored it. They wouldn't— they couldn't be serious about disowning me. Right? Hopefully Silencio and Lacero were what she meant. Even though the phrase “I'd sooner blast you off that tapestry than suffer the shame of a son in yellow and red” didn’t quite add up confidence. But how could she? How could she think he has to be reminded of this? Yes, of course, he wasn't the best son they had. He was quite a trouble maker. But why give him that look? The look, like he was about to be a disgrace to the whole family tree and betray them and slack off with muggle-born friends and get into Hufflepuff and run away? No, he isn’t like that, and she should know it.
"Oh, come off it, Mother. As if I need reminding about our 'noble lineage'. I know who I am. But maybe, just maybe, the Sorting Hat will see something in me that you don't. Something beyond just being another Black on your chessboard." I had to put my hands on my knees for how they were shaking, but smiled. "And honestly, would it be so terrible if I did end up somewhere else? At least then I'd be my own person, not a pretty name on that musty old tapestry." I think it was something I was taught at a very young age. Or I was born with it, I’m not sure. It hurt for me to hear about the tapestry, so I made sure to emphasise how much I don’t care. If something bothers you, make others believe it doesn’t. It sometimes worked the other way, too. If you see someone proving they don’t care about something - by all means, they do.
"Your own person? You foolish, ungrateful child. You are nothing without this family. Nothing! Your arrogance blinds you to your own insignificance… Without the Black name, you're just another unremarkable boy with delusions of grandeur. Is that what you want? To be ordinary? Common?" At this point she was hissing. I remember thinking if she even knew Parseltang, at that moment. And then, my Father decided to join in. He never did, so his words really came unexpected.
"Let me tell you something, son. If you continue down this path of rebellion, you'll find yourself truly alone. No family, no legacy, no future. Just a disappointing footnote in the annals of a great house. Is that the 'individual' you aspire to be? A lonely, forgotten failure?"
I felt sick. He obviously had meant what he said. My Father was a man of few words, but if I was called to him instead of Walburga’s office, it was for something truly terrible. Like that evening we ran away with Reggie, and came back the next afternoon. Maybe I was just used to Mother, to her yelling and scolding. In any case, I thought I might cry now, the type of tears that come suddenly and from nowhere, so I had to look away and breathe - "no drops to stain their cheeks, no cracks to show in their armor" - we were always told. I then tried to catch Scorpia's eyes, but she seemed too focused on her plate. Hiding. So she agrees with Father? Well that is bad. I tried to look at Reg next, but he, too, couldn't meet my eyes.
"Toujours Pur", my Father now reminded us coldly, and got up from the table. We were dismissed.
***
(19 January 1976)
“Woah.” Seemed to be the only thing James could force out of himself.
“Yeah.” Sirius agreed, voice hoarse from all the talking he’d just done.
“So… Let me put this straight. You had a sister and—…” James didn’t get to finish.
“I have a sister.”
“Yeah, right. Sorry. So you have a sister that you… never mentioned?”
“Yeah?…” Woah. Oh.
“Pads. Do you need my support right now or can I go and be mad at you? Cause I really freaking feel like it. You had a sister all this time and never cared to mention her name at least once to your best mate?”
“Listen, I know, and I’m sorry. I really am sorry James, I never tried to lie or to keep it secret. I… she asked me to. To never think of her and just… forget. I couldn’t, really. But I tried. I really had. You can’t imagine how hard it was not to break and tell you lot during our first years.”
“Okay. Okay, so it’s support then. I will have to ask you, however, what has changed your mind now? Also, are you saying… Wait, she is in that house right now?! And you… God, I just really can’t believe how much that means. How much I didn’t know.” He rested his head back against the stone wall, exhaling a little cloud of heat. It was past curfew, the garden was empty, and started to feel cold, no matter the spells. If he has another sibling in that cursed house, I am just so, so, done with all this, really. Does she need help?
“Well… no, not really, Scorpi wasn’t here all these years. Once I got the letter, our mother seemed to decide she doesn’t quite need a girl in her house, and sent her off to France. She had finished Hogwarts, and even was a head girl right the year before we came. I’m not sure how Walburga managed to make everyone just… forget about her. Stop talking about her. I really don’t know. But I mean, as you can see, no one mentioned to me — or anyone — anything about her existence. But then, Mother never cared about her. Not in a bad way, she just seemed to ignore her most of the time. You know how the oldest child gets all the pressure of being perfect in our families? Well, since the day I was born, I was always treated like the oldest child, not her. Now, she has been in France for almost 5 years. Has never sent me a letter... I tried it myself, at first. I told her I got into Gryffindor. I… I might have mentioned you there, too?” He tried a smile, and then it faded away almost instantly. “She never replied though. Not even sure she read it.”
“Okay. Alright. I mean no, not okay, but I got it. A sister who wasn’t there since you got into Hogwarts, and she made you promise to forget about her. I mean dang, the whole school seemed to forget her. You know how they make Lily and Remus memorize all the head boys and girls and headmasters over the last 50 years? I’m wondering if she’s included…”
“James.”
“Eh, right, sorry. So what made you tell me now? Did something happen to her? Did she reply?”
“Well… I kind of ran away this Christmas, you know? Just… I don’t know mate, I can’t stop thinking about her since then. With Effie being there and all the Hols, I could be distracted, but now… Every day and night I keep hearing her voice or seeing her eyes. It sometimes makes me feel like I’ve gone mad, as if I had imagined her all along. What if I had, Prongs? What if my favorite person of this whole Noble-House-of-Black thing was just a hallucination?”
“Hey, hey, no. I mean… I can’t really tell, since I didn’t even know about her until this moment… What about the sisters?”
“The sisters?”
“Well, you know, Narcissa and Bellatrix… Andy?” he tried.
“Oh. I don’t know. I don’t reckon they stay in contact. At least it would be weird for her to text Bellatrix but ignore her own brother, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess. But how about before? Did… um, did they know her?” James looked at Sirius, barely stopping himself from emphasising on the words “they know”. It isn’t about you, wanker, he reminded himself.
“They did. She was best friends with Bella in her childhood. Then I think they had some kind of fight or something, starting from her first year - they went together with Andy - they started to fall apart. And I’m pretty sure that around her 4th year she started getting along with Narcissa better. Now that I think about it, Scorpia always followed Andromeda, being around and there for her all the time. Maybe it’s one of the reasons we’re so close together, not just the run away, she always felt like a sister, too. Being a little younger than Scorpia… I think Scorpi just liked caring for people. But then we grew up, and she basically had to become our mother.”
“See, not a hallucination, then. Was she… What did she say, about your mother?..”
“Nothing much, really. She never liked her, but never went actively against her, either. I guess since she was ignored in that house most of the time, she got along with house elves well. She even said there was one of her own, before Reg was born. I’m not sure if those two events are connected, really. Anyway, she could go wherever and do whatever. Of course, once she made trouble our dear Mother let her know of how unhappy they are to have her in their family and all that, but I don’t think she cared much. All the same, she was never a trouble maker. I even used to think she likes Regulus more than me for his behavior.”
“So, she’s nice, yeah? That’s good. I’m glad you had at least someone sane in that house. Even though I kept believing you didn’t…” James furrowed his eyebrows, still struggling to put everything around in his brain.
“Sorry... I went to her room right after that dinner, by the way. You wanna go inside and I’ll tell you?”
“Sure. Moony?” James suggested, and Sirius stiffened, as though the only thought of Remus made him uncomfortable.
“No. I’ll… I might tell him later. Don’t mention anything to him, please?”
“Okay. Don’t see why, but I guess your secrets are your choice.”
“Thanks. Alright, let’s go, I’ll be talking on the way.”
***
28th of July, 1971
I walked out the dining room first, as soon as I could, and headed to Scorpia’s room. I told myself I had to ask her about her silence, and what head it meant. In fact, I think I just needed some safe space, not in the room with Reg. I knew he would follow even now, but secretly hoped they would stop him to lecture how not to behave, in my example.
So, when Scorpi came back to her room she found me lying on her bed. I’m not sure if I was crying, but I most certainly was broken in a way that no one is supposed to see. But her. I trust her in every way possible, with all of my thoughts and all of my emotions. She opened the door, and the light from the corridor shone behind her, like she was some kind of angel… I looked at her, and then closed my eyes.
“Hey, love,” she closed the door slowly and came closer, “you feeling broken?”
And yes, she just knew what I felt. Every time. I couldn’t quite bring myself to care back then, really, so I just nodded, crawling into her lap as she sat down. She accepted me, and pulled closer, kissing my head. “It’s okay,” she whispered. By this point I was really crying. “Sh, it’s okay. She just wanted to make you feel scared for the Sorting ceremony. It will be fine. Do you want to get into Slytherin?”
I didn’t know what to say. Did I? She would probably expect me to say so…
“No, hey, be honest here. What are you thinking right now? How do you feel about your Sorting?”
“I.. I think I don’t care? But I’m scared, I’m scared to upset them and…” I trailed off, starting to cry again. So she planted more kisses on my head.
“The hat will consider your wish, remember that. Also me and Reggie won’t love you less if you get sorted into the place you really belong to. Even if it’s Hufflepuff, trust the hat, it always knows best. I know you were just trying to be hard, but I liked what you said about you being your own person. I’m glad you realize it. And for Mother… she just wants to have her family follow tradition in everything.”
“Do you…” I started, not sure how to explain what I wanted to ask, “Did you agree with her?”
“No. Hey, what was that question for? You know I don’t. I do know it’s important for her that you get into Slytherin. But it’s important to her. And it shouldn’t be to you. You understand?”
There came a light knock on the door. It was Reggie. Kreacher or Mother never knocked, and Father never even visited their rooms. “Yeah love, come in.” Scorpia rested her hand on her wand, the other never leaving me. It wasn’t for Regulus, of course, it was more of a habit.
“Hi,” he whispered, walking in, clearly unsure of what to do.
“Come, sit down. It’s okay, Sirius?” She raised her brow and looked at me. It was my crying session, after all. But I nodded. I knew Reg would show up eventually, so there was no point in making him go now. “How are you?” She asked, her eyes following the smaller boy who was now crawling to lay beside her on the other side.
“I’m okay” he whispered - again - and took Scorpia’s hand, putting it in his hair. She smiled. “That’s good.” We spent the night in her room, on her bed.
…
Part II: Sirius
(19th January 1976)
“Oh god, I’m about to lose my voice” Sirius groaned, stepping in the common room and taking the cloak off.
“For Merlin’s sake, where were you two?!” Remus jumped up from his seat in front of the fireplace, and glared at them. Was he here the whole time? Was he waiting for them?
“Oh.” James came to his senses first. “Sorry Moons, didn’t know you would wait for us… I… I’m sorry for making you worry, I should have left the map.”
“Yes, that would be a great thing to do!” He snapped, exhaling and falling back onto the chair. “Sorry. I don’t know what it is. Sirius, you okay? What was that all about?”
“Yeah…” Sirius swallowed. He wanted to get away, stop the questioning, and go to sleep. But mostly, he wanted his brain to shut up. I made him worried. He cares about me. I stormed away, and I made James follow, and he was waiting. I made him worried. Stupid, stupid. Selfish. You’re so, so, selfish. I’m sorry Moons. I’m sorry I made you worried, I’m sorry I made you wait, I’m sorry I made you kiss me that night. But it felt so…
“Pads?” James poked his arm. They were already in their dorm. When did they get here? What did he miss?
“Yeah, sorry. I’ll… I’ll go take a shower.” And he closed the door to the bathroom shut.