hey spider-man❗️ nice butt❗️
‘O-M-G, Regulus, you’re a Tumblr girlie? Don’t speak anymore or else you’re going to make me Cum blr!’ was all it took Deadpool to say before Regulus pointed at the lift doors for him to get out.
“That’s enough for you. Get out.” He had said, at least before Jameson could get to Deadpool, because he knew having Deadpool (Spider-Man’s number one defender) and J. Jonah Jameson (Spider-Man’s number one hater) in the same city , nevertheless the same building was dangerous.
So, in a way, Regulus was doing Jameson a favour.
Salary raise when?
Never, apparently, because Regulus was still living off ramen and looking fondly at his Black inheritance, which he had yet to fully even make a dent in because there was no way he was letting his impulsive nineteen year old self manage a multi-million dollar bank account like a personal one.
Regulus sighed once Deadpool had left the building humming Whitney Houston, looking back at his computer. An alert popped up on the screen, except it wasn’t a normal Windows alert.
REGULUS BLACK.
YOUR PRESENCE IN THE S.H.I.E.L.D HELICARRIER IS URGENT
TO MAINTAIN SECRECY, THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
0:54
Regulus furrowed a brow, confused on how S.H.I.E.L.D was going to self-destruct a digital message.
Of course, Regulus waited smugly to see how the message would ‘self-destruct’.
0:03
0:02
0:01
0:00!
Then, inside Regulus’ personal laptop screen, the alert blocking his screen genuinely exploded.
Not like nuclear-bomb-Oppenheimer-grenade-figuring-out-you-forgot-to-submit-an-essay level explosion, but a small one.
And not a digital one either.
Regulus flinched away, his hand going to his nose and coming back with soot on it from the explosion.
Like that one spy episode of Zack and Cody’s Suite Life on Deck.
Regulus, slightly startled but taking care to not show it, looked around at the practically empty floor, save for some scared looking meek intern.
“Redirected websites, you know how it is,” Regulus explained while giving the alarmed intern a tight smile, looking back at his computer while rubbing the rest of the soot off his nose, which was unharmed and the same as it was before the S.H.I.E.L.D alert popped up: split screen viewing the remnants of the planning document for an essay Regulus had to write and the paused screen of where he was watching the Silence of the Lambs on an illegal website.
Okay, come on, it wasn’t hurting anybody, and Spider-Man’s trying to be more accepting of the demographic he’s tossing into jail.
By reflecting on Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham’s homo-ness.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
Regulus climbed onto the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier’s wing as it was suspended in the air, hardly any wind whipping at him.
As he crawled (like a spider) (hence the whole Spider-Man thing) from the underside of the wing to the top, he spotted a splotch of red that haunted his nightmares.
Deadpool.
“Hey, Spider-Man!” He called, strutting up to Regulus. “Nice butt!”
Then the wind started up again.
And knocked Deadpool off the helicarrier.
Regulus turned around to walk away, but paused.
“Uhhh,” he turned back around, then around again, then around again , debating on how useful it would be to help Deadpool.
The kindness in his heart won over, and he shot down a web and pulled Deadpool up perhaps more roughly than he should. Deadpool got yanked back to the wing of the helicarrier, creating a solid arc before landing right on his back.
Regulus, while walking away, winced at the various cracks and affected groan from behind him. But then his super-hearing kicked back in and he heard a mumbled “ really nice butt” and kept walking guilt-free.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
As soon as the mechanic doors opened to the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier with a quiet ‘whoosh’, Regulus got tackled.
He grunted as he fell sideways, tussling with a - what the fuck even is that?
He held up his forearm to block a blow coming directly to his face, his (now bruised) forearm coming into contact with… metal?
“Iron Man?” He mumbled, before the metal loosened limply, falling onto Regulus.
He struggled to stand up, pushing the clump of metal in the shape of a wolf ? Some predatory animal.
Then a flurry of S.H.I.E.L.D agents came running, picking up the metal animal and putting it onto a stretcher, rolling the stretcher to the experimental science part of the helicarrier.
Regulus got helped up by a stray S.H.I.E.L.D agent before they all left to go work on the experiment, or whatever it was.
“Sincerest apologies for the mishap, we’ve been trying new tech.” Fury said from behind him.
Regulus turned around, nodding at Fury. “Director Fury.” He acknowledged. “Can I ask what I’ve been summoned here - via blowing up my computer - for?”
“Follow me.” Fury nodded, walking down a wide hallway.
After copious amounts of twists and turns, Regulus found himself entering a meeting room they had never been in.
Well, apparently Deadpool had, because he was sitting with his legs crossed on top of the table and his arms behind his head, looking as unbothered as ever.
“How did you get in?” Fury asked sceptically, taking his own seat. “You’ve never been in this part of the helicarrier.”
“As far as you know.” Deadpool corrected cockily.
“No, I definitely know. Our security cameras have an alert letting us know where you specifically are at all times.”
“Yet I still manage to put glitter bombs in your office.” Deadpool shrugged, kicking his feet down as Regulus sat down gingerly across from him, looking at Fury at the head of the table.
He was busy pulling up another hologram, this time of a random birds-eye view picture of a massive warehouse. It had a rusted roof and graffiti around the outside.
“Do you two know what this is?”
“Crack den.” Regulus said at the same time Deadpool said “Cram-atorium.”
Then Deadpool turned to Regulus, brandishing a smirk he could see from outside the mask.
“Let me cram your toriu-”
“ Okay ,” Fury interjected before Deadpool could finish his sentence. “Um. No. It’s neither. It’s a warehouse.”
Then he changed the hologram picture to show a map of a series of underground tunnels that was so crowded it made Regulus’ head reel.
“I’m not even going to ask you two this time, but this is a map of underground tunnels. Well, it’s the map as far as the public knows. But our tech and research suggests that this is a botched version of the real line of tunnels. Our target, Black Corp? They own the rest of the tunnels. Not legally, but they operate throughout the unknown tunnels.”
“How many unknown tunnels are there?” Regulus asked.
“Hundreds, possibly. Or five. We do know that there are tunnels that Black Corp are navigating through. The warehouse, however, is where you can gain access to both maps of the actual tunnels and access to the tunnels.”
Fury stood up, messing with the diagram to make it larger.
“I’ll ask you two another question, against my better judgement. You two have to go to this place, but do you know where it is?”
Silence.
Nick Fury inhaled, as if hyping himself up, before announcing: “New York.”
“WHAT THE FUCK?” Deadpool yelled, standing up abruptly and knocking his chair out from behind him. “SECRET MISSION IN NEW YORK? THAT’S SO SICK! SPIDEY-SPIDEY-SPIDEY! SPIDER-MAN MAKING AN APPEARANCE IN HIS HOME STATE!”
“I grew up in Britain.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“OH MY GOD THIS IS SO SICK!” Deadpool continued. “YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PETER PARKER PILLED! HOLY FUCK I LOVE YOU NICKY BOY!”
Fury waited patiently for Deadpool to get off the table, where he was blasting Hey Ya! by Outkast from his phone and doing Fortnite Battle Royale dances on the table.
“O-Okay I’m done.” Deadpool panted, sitting back down.
Even Regulus was smirking under the mask at the prospect of New York City.
“So what you two have apparently not accounted for is your alibis. We’re all aware there will be people who will worry if you two disappear off the face of the Earth, so while you’re allowed creative liberty to tell whoever is close to you whatever you like, you need to have an alibi spread around - work trip, school, mental health trip, family issues: it just needs to happen by the end of today.
“Go home and pack your bags: all the essentials only, for a day at the least and a month or two at the most. Schoolwork? Get it digital. Work? Take leave. Other commitments? Forget it. Also, try packing as little personal items as possible: only the basics . Anyways, I trust you know your way out, the jet will be waiting tomorrow at 6:00 am sharp. Be there. And good luck, Spider-Man and Deadpool.”
As Fury walked out, Deadpool and Regulus were left alone. Not a good idea at all.
“So… New York,” Deadpool sighed, kicking his feet back up.
“What’s your alibi?”
“I dunno, work? School? I’ll figure it out.”
“You go to school? You? Do you even have the time?”
“Well, sometimes. I’m doing criminology for shits and giggles - ‘cause, you know, ex-merc and current superhero - and I’m doing bagpipe performances and… cannabis biology and chemistry.”
“I’m sorry, what biology and chemistry?”
“Cannabis! It’s a real course, and it's da bomb.”
“...I’m leaving.”
“Wait! Spidey! Don’t you want to know about the human cannabinoid receptors-”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
Regulus threw his backpack onto the sofa as he walked into his flat, immediately going to his bedroom to pull out a suitcase.
“Alright Regulus, all the things you need for a day at the least, and a month or two at the most.” He muttered, hovering around his room while scoping out everything he might need.
Okay, a toothbrush. He definitely needed that.
Hairbrush.
Cleanser.
Foaming cleanser.
Toner.
Exfoliation products.
Bodywash.
Moisturiser.
Under-eye cream.
Eye cream.
SPF.
Night cream.
Facemasks.
Hair mask.
Teeth strips.
Shampoo.
Conditioner.
Face and hair serum.
Regulus, looking at the flurry of skincare and haircare products he had collected on his bathroom floor, heard his phone ring.
He answered, putting it on the bathroom counter before checking who was calling.
“Regulus?” Evan’s voice came from the speaker.
“Hm?” He hummed, putting everything into the suitcase.
“ Why am I hearing from DP’s manager that you’re going to freaking New York? Tomorrow?”
“It’s… a new development.” Regulus answered.
“Right, that’s fine, but remind me again, what will you be telling everybody who’ll definitely notice that you’re gone? Barty, Pandora, Sirius, Dorcas? What’re you telling them? Because I’m not lying for you again - this is up to you.”
“It’s-it’s fine,” Regulus mumbled, looking around for other things to put in his suitcase. Once an aristocrat, always an aristocrat. “I’ll tell them it’s school. Or work. ‘Spider-Man’s in New York, Sirius, I have to go photograph him!’, I don’t know.”
Regulus heard Evan inhale sharply on the other side, then sigh. “ Fine, fine. It’s… fine. You’ll be fine.”
“Are you talking to me or yourself?” Regulus snorted, carrying seven books to the suitcase.
“Yes.”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Whaaat the fuck.”
Regulus turned around to come face-to-face with Deadpool.
It was still the time in the morning where it was dark and Regulus was carrying his suitcase that was half his height and had a backpack slung over his shoulder, which, separately, weighed practically enough as yo mama.
“What?” Regulus grunted, trying to bring the suitcase fully onto the roof of where the jet had landed and was waiting for him and Deadpool.
Deadpool, only bearing a backpack smaller than the average school bag - more like a hiking trail bag, crossed his arms.
“Are you going to move to New York? Because I’m sure I can do long distance, but-”
“ What? No, I'm not moving to New York.”
“Well it sure seems like you’ve got the contents of your house in that suitcase. And your whole house. And the next three blocks over. And the rest of the U.K-”
“Yes! Okay, I got it, I’ve got a lot of stuff compared to your hobo bindle ass looking backpack, now help me take this onto the jet.”
After Deadpool helped him take his suitcase and backpack into the jet, they were promptly introduced to their pilot, Hooch.
No first name. No title.
Just ‘Hooch’.
(“Hooch? Isn’t that a dog?” Deadpool had asked.)
Once they had hoarded themselves into the jet via the tiny door, they started looking around the jet.
Regulus, being used to pretentious rich shit from his childhood, waited a respectable five minutes before joining Deadpool in rummaging around the cabin to see how many salted peanuts they could fit in their bags.
Deadpool, while feeling around for secret compartments he insisted were in every spy jet, found a button that released a minibar stacked to the brim with expensive wine and chardonnay. Oh, and vodka, and tequila, and brandy, and whiskey, and- you get it.
“Ohh that’s sick!” Deadpool breathed out, more occupied with the mechanics of the opening minibar than the actual alcohol.
Regulus, however, was not. He beelined directly to the cups and poured himself a… something. He just gathered an array of weirdly coloured bottles and poured them into the cup.
As he sat back down, watching Deadpool put a straw through his mask to drink without lifting his mask up, he took a tentative sip of his concoction. Then he gagged.
“What the hell did you put in your drink?” Deadpool snorted, drinking his own - way less disgusting - drink.
“I don’t even know,” Regulus groaned. “So… can you get drunk?
“Um, I get drunk pretty quickly, but the buzz only lasts for a few hours tops. No hangovers either.”
“Lucky,” Regulus lamented. “I can’t get drunk for long either, my tolerance is higher, but the hangovers are wicked.”
“Speaking of which,” Deadpool started, sitting down on the floor. “I think my alcohol’s kicking in. I don’t need condoms either - can’t carry diseases. Do you need condoms? For educational purposes only, obviously.”
Regulus grimaced, which was enough for Deadpool.
“Aw, sweet! You don’t!” And of course, Deadpool was right. “Hey, baby boy, -” Regulus steeled himself, preparing for a long eight-to-twelve hours in the godforsaken jet. “Did it hurt when you fell from Tennessee? Because you’re a fineapple!”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Hey girl, how are you doing on a day as pretty as you?-” Regulus looked outside the window of the jet to see the dark and rainy weather, and then turned around to raise an eyebrow at Deadpool. “...Ah, fuck, let me redo that!”
Regulus shook his head, grabbing Deadpool by the holsters of his katanas and threw him out through the window. He heard an echoed “hey shawty! The doctor says I’m lacking vitamin U!” before rolling his eyes, sitting back down in his massaging seat.
He watched the window, which was still broken, and clicked his fingers twice. Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo quickly entered the scene to do repairs on the window, fixing together a brand new window.
Regulus sighed comfortably, looking absentmindedly out the (new) window.
His mask eyes widened to cover half of his face, however, as Deadpool reappeared, floating into the sight of the window.
“What the fuck?” Regulus muttered, running to the window to get a look at Deadpool, who he had previously thought to be dead and flying into the Atlantic Ocean.
Regulus peeked through the window, seeing Deadpool waving wildly while being pulled up by a parachute plastered with Dora the Explorer’s face on it.
Deadpool kicked the window in, jumping through it and ditching the parachute outside.
“It’s a Dead-Parachute! Deadpool’s own survival equipment.”
Regulus, choosing not to comment on the bad pun, watched as Scooby Doo and Bugs Bunny ran back to where Deadpool was standing. They took one look at their broken window and started beating Deadpool up, a cartoonish blur of arms and legs and a cat screech thrown in.
Once they had avenged their window, Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo retreated to wherever they came from.
Deadpool stood up, seemingly unbothered by the gang rough-up, and walked over to Regulus.
“So, Spidey,” he started. “Damn gurl, are you TL encryption? Because you make me feel secuuuure ,” he lowered his voice huskily, pulling Regulus’ mask up to his nose.
Then Deadpool covered Regulus’ eyes, pulled his own mask up, and leaned in…
🕸️
“AND THEN THEY KISSED!”
Regulus woke up with a start, looking around frantically.
He looked across to see Deadpool watching something on the built-in in-flight entertainment console in the middle of them.
“Aw, baby boy, I didn’t wake you, did I?” Deadpool asked, pausing his movie.
“Uh, no.” Regulus mumbled, immediately trying to forget that stupid dream. Did he really pseudo-kiss Deadpool? Well, technically, it didn’t happen before he woke up, so no, he didn’t pseudo-kiss Deadpool, no matter how much his subconscious wanted to . “I- what happened?”
“Oh, you started yawning like craazy, like those lions in the documentaries, so I just let you sleep. We’ve got short of an hour until we arrive at the big banana - no, wait, that’s a theme park in Australia, I mean the big apple. Speaking of Australia, you know one time I was there on a merc trip and I was hungry so I ate a whole plain pavlova base? It was pretty good. Minus the whole vomiting session I had after.”
“O-Okay, that’s… okay. Whatcha watching?”
“Oh! How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days! Bomb ass movie, and I figured I would keep the New York theme going. Did you know that Andi’s apartment is across the street from the Lady Bird church and next to the 13 Going On 30 apartment? That block belongs to Dionysus, I swear. Get it? ‘Cause he’s the god of theater and entertainment? I’m so smart. Anyways, you excited for New York? I’m soo excited, because I’m literally-”
At least Regulus didn't have to worry about kissing Deadpool on the jet, because that hoe couldn’t keep his mouth shut long enough to get close to kiss him.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“IN NEW YOOOORK! AHDUMDUH WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF! THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T DO!” Deadpool sang loudly, jumping onto various pieces of furniture as the Manhattan skyline came into view and incoherently mumbling the parts of the songs he didn’t know.
He had been singing New York themed songs as soon as the crew had come in to alert them of their landing in ten minutes.
First it was New York, New York by Frank Sinatra, then Welcome to New York by Taylor Swift, and it was Deadpool’s third time singing just the chorus of Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
Once they had landed, turned the cloaking device of the jet off and loaded Regulus’ suitcase into the back of an empty taxi, they waved bye to the pilot and slid into the back seats.
After waiting for two minutes, someone opened the door and hopped into the driver’s seat.
“Hi Mr Pool! Hi Mr Spider-Man!”
“Dopinder!” Deadpool cheered as Regulus asked. “Dopinder? How’d you get to America?”
“I’m a very good driver.” Dopinder answered Regulus confidently.
As he started driving, swerving through other cars and dipping through random backroads, Regulus looked out the window with bright eyes, trying to see how much cooler webbing through those buildings would be.
While it wasn’t completely dark, it was around 6:30pm and the snow wasn’t falling as much as it would on other nights. The billboards had started lighting up more vibrantly and the hustle and bustle was still there and more hustle-ier and bustle-ier than ever. The windows in buildings were glinting and Regulus was sure he could find some simile about the lights in the buildings, but he couldn’t be bothered.
“You know,” Dopinder started, ignoring the onslaught of honking directed at him as he changed lanes. “He’s very skilled. That’s pretty sexy,” he said, referring to Deadpool.
Regulus cocked his head at Deadpool inquisitively.
“Um, hold on.” He nervously laughed. Then he proceeded to squish himself into the passenger seat up the front.
Obviously, they both forgot bout Regulus’ hearing.
“What are you doing?” Deadpool quietly whispered.
“I’m being your… how do you call it? Hype man. I’m being your hype man, Mr Pool.”
“Wh-why?”
“Because, aren’t you here to woo Mr Spider-Man?”
“Ha! Okay,” Deadpool laughed loudly, covering Dopinder’s mouth with one hand. “This guy - hilarious. I swear,” he chuckled nervously again before crawling back to the back seat next to Regulus.
He looked up as they drove near the freaking Empire State Building.
“Shouldn’t that be blue?” Deadpool murmured from next to him, also looking out the window.
“That’s only on Percy Jackson’s birthday, god ,” Regulus rolled his eyes.
A notification sound came from Deadpool’s phone and he looked down at it, not even giving Regulus a bit of warning before squealing so loud Dopinder almost swerved.
“LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!” Deadpool shrieked, shoving his phone in Regulus’ face.
deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
JUST LANDED IN NYC WITH MY BB BOY @the_real_spidey !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❗️💦🍆
_____Replies_____
BATMAN. ☑️🔒 @batman
Don’t ruin my rep.
↳ Bruce_Wayne_ ☑️ @brucewayne
shut up
jessicarabbit 👠 @jesssss
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOREVER
IGOR @’stheme
oh my lord thank GOD for yall i got mugged a few days ago save us new yorkians
“IT’S BATMAN! BATMAN AND FUCKING BRUCE WAYNE, BILLIONAIRE ZADDY REPLIED TO MY POST! I LOVE BATMAN! I’D EAT HIS BATUSSY WITH THE UTMOST RESPECT!”