literally a brooklyn 99 halloween heist episode (no it's not)
T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
With hope that St. Nicholas would soon be there
The children were nestled all snug in their bed
Masturbating after watching Cocomelon and braindead
Yada yada yada
Some shit about the moon on the breast (hehe) of fallen snow
Yappity yap yap
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight -
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
That was James’ particular situation.
Except it was the morning already
And it was Halloween.
But basically the same thing.
James rolled to the side to grab his phone, groaning lowly at the burst of light.
“Ugh, fuck.” He realised he grabbed the wrong phone - the Deadpol phone, but before going to put it back down, he paused, going into his messages with Spiderman.
baby boy webhead <333
heyyy baby boy
whats up
OH
I KNOW WHATS UP
ITS FUCKING HALLOWEENIE
LETS GO?
Okay, fine, James was whipped.
*photo*
shld i wear this 2nite
deadpool.
i love it when you say my name bbg
youre not being seen in public with me wearing a fucking maid costume
awww
booo!
see
the crowd is booing you
its too early for this shit
my friends woke me up by barging into my flat
and trying to scare me into waking up
having zero knowledge about my spidey sense
so ur blondie friend wasnt there?
oh wait
HE KNEW
THAT FUCKING IDIOT
anyways
im going back to sleep
sweet dreams baby boy <3
dont let the reeses cups bite
what
THERE ARE NO HALLOWEEN SIGNOFFS LEAVE ME ALONE
James waited for a minute for any semblance of a reply, figuring that Spidey was already asleep after none came.
Then he resorted to his loyal followers on Twitter for a Halloween post from Deadpool.
official_deadpool @fr_deadpool_!!!
thinking about what kinda hoe i want to be for halloween so if ur gonna do crime do it now
_____Replies_____
babyyyyyy @urbae
BRINGING BE GAY DO CRIME BACK THIS HALLOWEEEENNNNNN
audreyy @audreyy
i’m like 98.62% sure spiderman didn’t approve this PSA
“Okay, okay, I’ll go to my phone.” He conceded, talking to nobody. “Hey.” He glared. “I’m talking to the readers. You’re talking to nobody when you write this shit.”
Ouch.
(He’s not wrong though.)
James got his other phone, messaging Lily.
god is a woman and a ginger
lilypoo
lilypie
honeylilybear
okay it just occurred to me that ur probs asleep
mbmb
BUTTTTTT
i kinda sorta need to levae trick or treating
to go do some poolin
sooooo
just say im at my parents’ place or smthn
da boyz already know im leaving tho
tyyysmmmmm😻
James, figuring he was done with his morning email list, laid back down, before realising he forgot someone really really really really really really really really really really really really really really important.
He almost fell off his bed trying to pick his phone back up.
Well, he did fall off his bed.
“Dammit,” he clambered back onto his bed, picking his phone up and texting - prepare for deafening applause - the one and only Euphemia Potter!
the goddess who spawned me
mummy dearest
Good Morning James!😁
GMMM
HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!!!!!
Happy Halloween James!🎃👻🥋
Your father wants to say it too.
Happy Halloween James!🍔💡🐞
Yeah, okay, James’ parents were kinda lost on the whole texting thing.
happy halloween daddddd
r u guys doing anythng 2day
Hi James! It’s your mum!
I’m going to Costco Wholesale today😎
Because your father eats all the mini pretzels🥨😒
aw sweet
i want mini pretzels mum
can you get me mini pretzels pretty please
James…
pretty pleeeaaaaseeeee
*sigh*
Like father like son.
Alright.
RHANSK MUMMYKINS <3333
A Camel Is An Even-Toed Ungulate In The Genus Camelus.
???
Sorry James!🫢
Thought this was my Notes app
okayyyyy
bye bye
Bye Bye!🫨😘🥰🚊🌽🐦⬛🐙
Then, as if James wasn’t already popular enough, James got a call from Mary.
“Yo yo yo, what’s up?”
“You have a J name.” She stated, sounding serious.
“...Happy Halloween?” James said, confused as shit.
“You have a J name.” She repeated. “But you’re not a red flag.”
“I… hope not?”
“You have a J name. ”
“And… you have an M name. We’re like Jack and… Mose. You know, from the… Mitanic.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny, when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung!” James sang as he slid around his flat, singing into a wooden spoon microphone fully in costume for Halloween waiting for his friends to arrive.
“Oof!” James grunted as he slid too far and gutted himself on the corner of the island. “Coming!” He groaned when he heard an insistent knock on the door.
What are you dressed as, James? A sexy traffic policeman?
No, but he’s always sexy.
In fact, he was doing a couples costume with Peter - Percy Jackson and Grover Underwood.
*a loud round of applause*
Now, of course, that wasn’t their first option. The final conversation went something like James saying this:
“ No, Peter. We will not be dressing as the Twin Towers - no , no aeroplane and Twin Towers either. Okay, you know what? I’m Percy Jackson and you’re Grover Underwood. You’re shopping for furry ears tomorrow. Capische? Capsiche.”
James opened the door to see the hottest couple on the block (until the other couples got there - then they’d all be tied), Sirius and Remus dressed as Mick Jagger and David Bowie respectively.
James gasped, cupping his cheeks with two hands.
“Threesome?” He asked the sexy pair.
“Shut up,” Remus snorted, rolling his eyes (framed perfectly by that Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt, by the way) and barging in at the same time Sirius shrugged and said “sure.”
“Who’s getting here next?” James sang, opening up Life360. “Let’s check. Ooh, looks like a tie between Dorcas and Marlene and Peter.”
Just as he said that, his empathy link partner, Peter Pettigrew came barging through the door in his Grover-y glory.
“PERCY?” He yelled at the door.
“GROVER?” James yelled back, standing up.
Peter went for a fistbump at the same time James went for a hug, ending up with James getting punched in the face.
Damn, these healing powers were working overtime.
Once they were all seated and waiting for the girls, Sirius sighed wistfully.
“You remember what we did last year?”
“Fuck yeah,” Peter snorted.
(Flashback time!)
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
James groaned, his head in Sirius’ lap. “We’re so fucking stupid.”
“We thought we were so slick, keeping our Halloween costumes ‘til last minute, huh?” Remus scoffed, scrolling on his phone trying to find costumes.
“You’re telling me,” Peter snorted, giving up his quest for costumes on his computer. “I’m finding a movie.” He picked up the TV remote, flicking through channels to try and find a random movie playing one hour in.
“We’re so fucked.” Sirius sighed, his hand playing with James’ hair. “ Not in the good way, either. Unless you wanna change that Moony?”
“Shut up Sirius, this is stressful.” Remus pushed Sirius’ face away.
“Yeah Sirius, this is stressful.” Peter chimed in, desperately trying to find a movie.
“God, Peter, give me the remote.” James grunted, trying to reach across Sirius to take the remote off Peter.
“No, James, I’ve almost found one!”
Amidst their struggle with the remote, they ended up pressing random buttons, turning the TV to a random channel in Romanian.
But it wasn’t the channel.
It was the movie playing.
All four of them paused, eyes widening at the scene playing on the TV.
On the TV was the middle of Madagascar. The scene with… (wait for it)... the penguins.
The four penguins of Madagascar.
They had found their costumes.
“Just smile, boys.” James breathed out. “Smile and wave.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
(Sweet flashback, huh?)
(Hell yeah.)
“That shit was good ,” Remus snorted.
“Even better than cocai-” James didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because two people walked into his flat - Marlene and Dorcas.
James almost choked at their costumes.
Like, it was actually fucking insane.
Marlene was dressed as a slutty (as if he wasn’t slutty enough) Deadpool.
And Dorcas was a slutty (again, the IRL person was pretty slutty with that bubble-butt) Spiderman. Well, Spider-girl. Not Gwen though, that multiverse shit makes James' head hurt.
“Fuck yeah!” Sirius wolf-whistled. “Best couples costume!”
Hopefully, through the haze of compliments and yelling about how smash-able everyone looked, nobody noticed James’ flustered expression.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
A solid ten minutes later, James was opening the door for Mary and Lily to walk in, dressed as Mary and her little lamb respectively.
“Oh my god! Lily’s a furry!” James exclaimed.
“Shush,” she rolled her eyes as Mary snorted.
“Looking very cunty, by the way,” he winked at them as Lily plucked the Red Bull from his hand. “Oi!”
“I deserve this, after the favour I’m doing you.” Lily raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of it.
“What favour are you doing him?” Mary asked.
“I’m deep-cleaning his heavy-duty steel cast-iron pans.” Lily replied, not missing a beat.
“Are you serious?” Mary eyed him.
“Hey, it’s not my fault my omelettes taste like pumpkin and blue cheese!” James huffed. They actually did though, he should clean them. (See: he should actually ask Lily to clean them for him.)
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
Once they were all settled around the flat, Sirius piped up from where he was laying his head on Remus’ lap and his legs in James’.
“Hey, Pandora sent photos of Reggie and stuff tonight.”
“Why do you have Pandora’s number?” James asked.
“Well, Regulus won’t send me any photos, but Pandora will.” Sirius shrugged. “Wanna see the group photo?”
“Sure.” James leaned over to see, obviously with ill intentions because he’ll get to see Regulus.
To try and stop himself from cumming right there and then, he forced his eyes across the picture so they didn’t immediately focus on Regulus.
From right-to-left, there was Regulus’ friends, Barty and Evan (were they dating, by the way? Seemed like it. Deeefinitely some sexual tension there.) dressed as Tyler Durden and the Narrator from Fight Club.
To be honest, really sexy costumes.
James wanted to go up to one of them and be like, ‘bro, your relationship with your best friend is borderline homosexual and I think that’s beautiful.’
Then James caught a glimpse of Regulus, not even registering before quickly moving onto the next person.
Next, there was Pandora and who looked to be her boyfriend dressed as Tinkerbell and Peter Pan.
To be honest, he was pretty happy that it was Peter Pan and not fucking Captain Hook.
Like, the couples that do Tinkerbell and Captain Hook were kinda really weird because they were always the toxic as fuck ones.
Also, weird ship? Delicious as a concept, maybe, but weird ship?
He would literally puncture through her with that hook.
Okay, James was stalling.
He finally looked at the showstopper - Regulus mothercocking Black.
And James barely resisted the urge to moan out loud.
The signature RBF was directed at the camera, Regulus looking incredibly unamused where Evan and Pandora were jostling him from the sides and grinning.
James, ever the Batfamily enthusiast, recognised his costume immediately - Nightwing.
Ironic that Nightwing’s name was Dick. Because, like, that’s all James could think about - dick.
Sporting the signature Nightwing suit - the black and blue - Regulus looked… nghh.
Sirius wasn’t lying when he said Regulus was ripped. Like, obviously he wasn’t as bulked up as James, but he was lean .
The only thing that was different was the mask, which, instead of the plain white eyes (don’t tell anyone, but it might be inspiryation for Deadpool’s eyes), Regulus had his normal piercing blue-grey eyes through the eyemask.
“Cool.” James squeaked out, wondering if the jeans and Camp Half Blood t-shirt would hide his boner.
But to be honest, James was like this about every thirtieth person he met. Harmless crush. Not even a crush - a special interest.
“What’s cool?” Marlene chirped, bounding over to look at Sirius’ phone. “Whoa.” She nudged James with her foot, knowing about his crush on Regulus, and waggled her eyebrows at him.
He gave her a dangerous look, cocking his head in the direction of Sirius and narrowing his eyes at her.
“Hate to break it to ya mate,” Marlene snorted. “But your lil bro’s hot as shit .”
“Agreed.” Remus nodded without looking up from his book.
“I-hey!” Sirius spluttered.
Maybe James could stand up and use his (real, but nobody needed to know that) sword to hide the hard-on.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
James sighed, stretching out on the floor of the sidewalk, enjoying the sound of his bones popping back into place.
“A-are you alright Deadpool?” A lady asked, looming over him and dressed as Mavis from Hotel Transylvania. “You just fell from the roof.”
“Peachy keen, lady!” James gave her a thumbs up from the ground. “You and Johnny are adorable, by the way.” He grunted, heaving himself up as she walked off.
James had gotten a good hour of trick-or-treating in before he had to go meet up with Spidey for Halloween night patrolling.
“Deadpool!” He heard a familiar voice yell from above him - just who he wanted to see.
“Spidey!” He exclaimed, holding his arms out and squeezing his eyes tight for him to swing into a hug.
After a few seconds, James cracked his eye open, seeing Spiderman standing in front of him crossing his arms and tapping his foot impatiently.
“No hug? Okay.” James shrugged.
“You wanna tell me why you ended up on the sidewalk from a roof fall?”
“You took too long to meet up at our rooftop Webs, so I figured if I fell you would come save me. A bit late, but it’s all fine. See?” James waved his arm around and did an Irish jig.
“Yeah- yeah, I see.” Spiderman huffed, holding James down to prevent him from embarrassing the both of them any more. “Sorry I was late, I had to get away from my overbearing friends and-”
“You don’t need to apologise to me, baby boy,” James grinned crookedly at him. “But you can do something…”
“I’m not letting you slap my ass.”
“No not that - although I really wouldn’t mind - but we should go trick or treating!”
“ What.”
“Yeah! As Deadpool and Spiderman! Nobody would even know it’s the proper us! And , to satisfy your goody-two-shoe-ness, we can even patrol while we do it.”
A beat.
Then a sigh.
“Fine.”
“Yesss!” James jumped up and down in the air like a giddy kid, linking arms with Spiderman and walking them down the street. “Ooh, wait,” James tracked a few steps back, picking up an abandoned Halloween basket. “It’s heavy too, there must be some abandoned candy in here.”
He peered inside the basket.
“Nope. That’s vomit. We’ll just find another one later.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Trick or treat!” James and Spiderman chorused, holding out a (new) Halloween basket.
“Why, aren’t you two precious,” an old lady gushed. “Hold on, let me get the sweets.”
As she looked for the bowl on the table near the door, three little kids emerged from behind her.
“Nan? Can we eat the-” they paused upon seeing James and Spiderman at the door.
“Whoa, cool costumes,” a little boy enthused.
“Thanks kid,” James grinned down at him.
Once the old lady had given them their (full sized!) Mars bars, Spidey waved them bye, slinging a web to a higher light pole, grabbing James and lifting them both off the ground and off to a different street, hearing the excited yells of the children at the prospect of seeing the actual Spiderman and Deadpool.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
James and Spiderman were traipsing down the street, looking for their next house, feeling a lot like Mo Money, Mo Problems by The Notorious B.I.G was playing in the background when they ran into some people James really were hoping not to run into as Deadpool.
Marlene and Dorcas. In their Deadpool and Spiderman getup.
Yeah.
Oof.
“Whoa,” Marlene breathed out. “Nice costumes. We’re twinning!”
James looked over to see Spiderman sporting a bewildered expression.
“Wait,” Dorcas narrowed her eyes. “Your stitching is too good. These aren’t some shitty dollar store costumes. Are you…?”
“Yeah,” Spiderman sighed, shooting out a web a metre in front of him as James grabbed one of his katanas and twirled it between his fingers, throwing it up without looking as it slid into the holster.
Yeah, he knew it was sexy.
“Holy shit.” Marlene choked out. “You’re actually Spiderman and Deadpool.”
“Uh, Deadpool and Spiderman.” James corrected.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Ooh! This really ties up the whole Brooklyn Nine-Nine Halloween episode- crime! Right over there!” James pointed an excited finger at a guy in a balaclava and black clothing trying to pry open an ATM nearby.
“Nice.” Spiderman snorted, swinging over to do that (incredibly hot) thing where he sits upside down on a line of web, slowly lowering himself down to be face-to-face with the back of the thief’s head.
“Hey,” he cooed, tapping the guy on the shoulder. “I don’t think this house is doing trick-or-treating tonight.” He pointed to the ATM.
“Gee, I dunno Webs,” James strutted up to them from the shadows, leaning an elbow on the ATM and rapping his knuckles on it. “This guy seems like a regular Ghostface, the ATM might have to open up its reluctant doors to ‘im. Of course, unless I do this.”
James sent a well-aimed kick to the thief’s crotch, enjoying watching him groan and crumple to the ground.
“ATM stealing man? Basic. You know how I would commit theft?” James stood over him, preparing to list things off on his fingers. “Well first I would-”
“O-kay, let’s wrap this up. Get it? Wrap .” Spidey snorted at his pun as he encased the bad guy with webbing and pressing the ‘INFORM POLICE’ button on his phone that alerted the po-po that there was a bad guy webbed up at *insert Spidey’s location*.
Honestly, pretty handy.
“Hey, you know what?” James babbled as they started to walk away. “It’s nearly Christmas. Well, it’s nearly December. And you know what you do in December? You wrap up the bad guys with the little webbing bows, yeah? I always found that cool beans.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“-And that’s why Jedediah and Octavius from Night at the Museum definitely fucked. At least once or twice. Like, it’s giving Achilles and Patroclus… kinda.”
James watched with bated breath as Spiderman leaned back, slowly nodding. “...Yeah. I fuck with that.”
Was Spiderman… agreeing with him.
“I-” James’ brain short-circuited. “Opinions on gay porn?”
What the fuck James.
“Makes the world go ‘round.” Spiderman shrugged, not missing a beat.
“Yeah. Agreed,” James nodded.
At that point, they were both laying down on their rooftop a metre or so away from each other, feet hanging off the edge of it and looking up at the singular star they could see. (Greenhouse gases, y’know?)
“What’s the time?” Spiderman asked.
“Around 3:00.”
“In the morning? Damn.”
“Crime never sleeps. Well, actually, neither do criminals. They’re up all the time drinking bad Monster flavours and watching Twitch streamers 24/7- you know what? I’m hungry. Well, not right now, but I have a feeling we should be leaving soon but I’ll be hungry when I get home.”
“There’s a 24 hour taco truck a few blocks away. I can swing there and get something for you to take home?”
“Aww, really Spidey? Aw shucks, thanks a lot.” James gushed, watching as Spiderman stood up and swung off.
Okay, let’s be for real, he was watching Spiderman’s ass as he swung off.
Ten minutes later, Spiderman was back, lugging a bag full of tacos and huffing breathlessly, hanging upside down on a support beam above the rooftop.
“Okay, so, I didn’t know what you wanted, so I got a lot of things. Like, I got these, and I know you like extra cheese, but I didn’t know if you wanted extra cheese tonight, so I got you one with extra cheese and one without and one with a normal amount of cheese. But you also like chimichangas, but which one ? So I just got a lot of everything, and-”
James had stood up, eye-to-eye with Spiderman as he yapped about what he bought.
James’ eyes were probably wide and twinkling under the mask, because Spiderman listened.
To be for real, James didn’t think anybody listened to him while he talked. Fuck, he didn’t even listen to himself while he talked.
Oh fuck.
James felt it.
He was going to do something that would make the thick, girthy, unlubed raw cock of karma approach his ass at max speed.
“Spiderman.”
“-And then I kiiiinda sorta just bought out half the truck, so-”
“ Spiderman. ”
“Y-yeah?”
“Kiss me.”
“...What?”
“Kiss me.” Oh shit, here we go again. James yap session incoming, kids! “I mean, just, like, if you want to. Because consent is sexy and all that. And like, we don’t even have to remember it, it's not that deep. At all. Because we can go back to being just friends - if we were even friends before - but I mean, I’m feeling pretty hormonal, and I haven’t gotten laid in a while . Not-not that I’m assuming that you haven’t either, which I’m sure you have, because damn, look at that ass. But, like, you do get a bit jumpy whenever my arm brushes your ar- oh fuck, that’s your Spidey sense, isn’t it? Heh, pretty dumb of me. But-”
“Deadpool.”
“-if you were to kiss me, I would’ve been like, woo, I’m aboudda make a name for myself, which is a fourth wall break, so you wouldn’t get it-”
“ Deadpool.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
“ Yes?”
“God, fuck, yes man.”
“O-okay, uh, close your eyes. I’m about to romance you so hard, dude. ”
Yeah okay, Spiderman had never seen James with even his lower mask pulled up. Wanna know why? Brown boy shit. If anyone saw the bottom of his beautiful face they would easily be able to place it to a face.
So.
Yeah.
Spidey closed his eyes (and so did James, he wasn’t no cheater), and James pulled both their masks up to their noses.
(Yay! Upside down kiss! SUCK IT, KIRSTEN DUNST!)
James leaned in, hands cupping the sides of Spiderman’s mask as Spiderman met his lips in the middle of what was possibly the most awkward angle ever.
But it was really fucking good. Arachni-boy could kiss, goddamn.
Those lips weren’t only good for singing Chappel Roan.
Spiderman lets a soft noise into the kiss and holy fuck, James is absolutely gone.
And to be honest, James would love to regale you with a tale of flowery language and poetic romance, but to be honest, James practically blacked out then until the long, boner-ful, laid-less walk home.
And so brings the end to a very holly jolly Christmas Halloween.