“ur such a scrunkly scimbo” - jfp
“You can smack it, you can grip it, you can go down and kiss it, and every time he leave me ‘lone he always tell me he miss it, he want a F-wwwwshhh”
James winced as he watched his alarm be thrown across the room and flinched as he heard the sound fizzle out with screws popping out.
His doing, of course.
He can’t help that he’s just strong as shit *kisses biceps* and tired as shit, being a superhero isn’t just a 9-5.
He rolled over and picked up his phone, wincing as the bright light burned off his eyeball particles or whatever. Or maybe that’s just cause he didn’t have his glasses on.
Of course, regeneration (yay!) but his eyes had the quality of a 2005 Dell desktop (boo!).
He scrolled through his messages after fumbling for his glasses. Ah, yes, Lily, probably texting him nudes. (Again, all jokes Mary, the only nudes she’s sending is to her beautiful girlfriend) (in other completely absolutely utterly unrelated news, James is never picking up any other friends’ phones to try and be a silly little guy and snoop through them.)
god is a woman and a ginger
omg dude
ur gonna have a field day with this
Attached was an Instagram post of Funko’s account.
Announcing to the public.
That.
Spider-Man.
Was getting his own Funko Pop.
In fact, he was getting his own fucking line of him.
Just one line of this guy in various poses.
But at least he had listened to James.
Also , this meant he had some insider advantages and could possibly get Deadpool his own line *wink wink*.
Pfft, who was James kidding? Spider-Man wouldn’t do that unless he offered up some other services in return (if you know, you know).
WHAT THE SHITKNUCKLES
IM SO DONE
IM REPORTING THE POST
AFTER SCREENSHOTTING IT
BECAUSE GYAT DAMN
SPIDEY LOOKS GOOD IN THAT PHOTO
im so confuzzlused
im way better at cutesy poses than that grump
probably because you say that shit
“confuzzlused” get outta here
youre saying that in costume too
AND
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT
I SAW IT ON TV LAST NIGHT
WHY IS IT SO WRINKLY
GIVE IT TO ME TODAY
I NEED TO IRON IT
YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO IRON ANYTHIGN
omggg
yes i doooo
you literally burned and melted two shirts together
im a growing boy
i need bigger shirts
yk im getting the bulk on
this deadpool stuff is getting me buff
…okay whatever you say
ouch
schmily schmevans
what
schmily schmevans
im calling you that from now on
disrespect the job and this is what happens
schmily
i’m going back to sleep you woke me up
well nicki minaj woke ME up, sooo
huh
nothin
goodnight my beautiful ginger princess goddess
ew you sound like an omegle perv
sowwy
blocked
pov the 9 year old on roblox after i rate its dress to impress fit one star
Okay, I’m gonna go to the gym right now, James thought.
Riiiight now, he tried sitting up.
He couldn’t move.
Not because he had been like punctured through the testicles while getting home last night and they had to regenerate (because they’re, like, huge and take a while). He was just lazy.
He groaned into his pillow and turned his phone on, checking the rest of his messages.
remusmasterbaiter2000 (twin)
prongsy poo
are u cheating on me
do u have a gf
sirius i would never di that
why did yiou send this to me at 3
reggie said
you might
babe
were you in his flat unannounced
yeah?
so what
brother tingz
u wouldnt know
petunia and lils dont do that
thats why i said brother tingz
theyre sisters
and not as toight as reggie and me
im js sayin man
i think he wanted to get u out
of his place
and into mine
obviously wouldnt have a problem with that
;)
omg are you toight with spiderman
w
whgxfat
sorry
whar
what
because apparently reggie got dropped off by him?!?!?
outside his damn window
what time
idk after 1ish
i dont like the concept of time
like
im not late
ur actually alllll early
soooo
1ish checks out
bro how do you know
beducbs
Dubai
dufbshd
sorry
becaus
e
a spiderman twitter acc posted that hes leaving then
so he probably picked up regulus then
yeah
spiderman twitter account
aw man
im way cooler than reggie
i shouldve gotten picked up
oh and speaking of unannounced visits
im in your house
not really
im actually in the lift
but literally same thing
bet
James loved having a best friend who would literally bring him his entertainment.
He stretched his arms over his head, looking to the corner of his room.
Fuck. A nice big blob of red draped on his chair.
He pounced up and ran over to it, grabbing his suit and stuffing it in the closet. Just like anyone who was related to Walburger and Onion Black in any way had to do to themselves.
Once he had semi-stuffed the suit into his already bursting closet, he did a once-over on the suit. One of his katanas and guns weren’t on the suit. How tired was he last night?
He sprinted out of his bedroom, looking for the deadly weapons that Sirius would probably have a few questions about if he found them. Followed by “omg can I shoot at the window?”.
How the fuck James had managed to leave a whole ass katana laying on his counter, nobody knew. He started diving towards it before Sirius came in, paused in time like one of those cartoon characters in place while they ran, with their feet a blur.
He threw himself at the katana, grabbing it and throwing it into his room. Great! Alarm bells turned off! Go James!
Except he still didn’t know where that stupid gun was.
(Little did he know, a tired James put said gun into the fridge trying to get some ice cream last night.)
“James! My love!” Sirius called, walking in dramatically.
James swore under his breath, closing his bedroom door and walking up to Sirius.
“Why are you up so early?”
Sirius kicked off his shoes, jumping onto the couch. “Damn, man, I can’t even go to my bestest ever friend’s flat without getting interrogated?”
“You know I didn’t mean it like tha- Remus is gone, isn’t he?” James crossed his arms, leaning against his counter.
Sirius sighed. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Stupid English classics lit course or something.”
“I thought you liked the whole hot nerd gimmick?” (Spider-Man.)
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Hey- uh… I wanna say… Maaryy?” James said, looking at the person (or Gollum’s sibling of unidentified gender) who had just opened the door to Lily’s house.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Incredibly funny, Potter. Your timing is unmatched, you know, just in the middle of me diffusing my hair.” She shook the semi-afro out of her face, James being met once again with the Mary Macdonald Playfully Untrusting Face™except this time she probably was actually untrusting and more annoyed than untrusting.
“Well, I had to bring something for Lily,” James said, leaning against the doorframe, holding the plastic bag with his suit in it up, covered by other random articles of clothing (that, honestly, also had to be ironed).
“LILYYY!” Mary called out. “Your manchild’s here!”
Lily walked up to the door, spotting James’ plastic bag and rolling her eyes.
“Hi James,” he waved at her sheepishly.
“Well, I’m gonna go finish doing my hair, good luck with him.” Mary ruffled James’ already messy hair and walked off, to finish taming that beautiful bird’s nest.
“I was kidding when I told you to bring the suit over, I thought your blatant annoying pride would make you iron it yourself,” Lily dropped her voice down, dragging James inside and closing the door, snatching the bag from him and rummaging through it. “It probably is for the best though, you would’ve burned the suit on, like, the crotch.”
“Hey, nobody’s gonna be complaining if I went out like that.”
“Your future kids, or lack thereof, because you’re gonna get pummelled in the dick, will.”
She held up one of his shirts that read “BLOW ME” in huge text and “A KISS” in smaller text under it.
“What the hell-” she held up his infamous “women want me, fish fear me” cap and a pair of jeans that says “your face here” in scribbled Sharpie, pointing to the crotch of the jeans.
“They were the only clean clothes I could find,” he shrugged.
Finally, she found the suit buried at the bottom of the bag and wrinkled her nose. “Do you know how bad this smells?”
“Maybe it’s the blood.”
“The what.”
“Or maybe I just haven’t washed it in a while.”
“You know, I bet Spider-Man washes his suit. Or he just doesn’t fucking reek as much as you do.”
“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I can’t help it! It’s all the… hormones and pheromones and natural odour and stuff.
“Well I need to wash this before I iron it, that’s gonna take longer.”
“How much longer? London never sleeps, you know? Actually, I’m lying, London sleeps everywhere, I saw a teenager sleeping on the footpath walking here.”
“Well I’ll be able to get it to you tomorrow morning, if Mary’s gone for long enough. Speaking of, what’s the time?”
James checked his Adventure Time watch. “Uh… 11:27.”
“Oh, shit. BABE!” She called out to Mary.
“Yeah?”
“YOU HAVE TO GO”
“What- OH SHIT I HAVE TO GO!” A Mary-shaped blur flew past them, slamming the door behind her without locking it.
“Bugle stuff, you get it.”
“Well, I was there last night. Mary looked nice last night, by the way, hope you gave her some good head after that.”
“Ew. Shut up.”
“That either means you really did or you forgot.”
“Can- can you just go? Don’t you have to, like, go to Effie and Monty’s to give your beautiful parents some love?”
“Okay, fine, fine, I’m leaving, damn.” He narrowly ducked her smack and ran out.
When he was outside the flat, he paused, realising that Lily had been dealing with his shit for years, centuries even. She was genuinely such a huge milestone in his daily life, being one of the most important people. In the history of the world, possibly.
So how did he repay her?
god is a woman and a ginger
lils
um
ur such a scrunkly scimbo
a little
spoingle sckrimbliscious
maybe even a mipy
What.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“PETERRR, MY MAIN MAN!” James walked up to Peter and dapped him up.
“How did you get in-?”
“Doesn’t matter, what matters is I’m bored and we need to get lit!”
“Don’t say shit like that ever again.” Erm, okay, Spider-Man core.
“Yeah- yeah okay, that felt weird to say. Come on!”
“I-where are we going?”
“To Remus’.”
“He’s not home.
“We’re not going to his home.” James said with an exaggerated wink that made Peter wrinkle his nose.
Once they had arrived at where Remus was studying, they hid behind bushes, waiting for that loveable nerd to walk out.
They saw him walk out, holding a shit ton of thick ass books, wearing his endearingly huge sweaters and huge jeans that pooled at his feet. Or Doc Martens, he wore them enough to be classified as his toesies.
“YOOO, Rem!” James pounced out and flung an arm around his shoulder.
“What’s up dude?” Peter did the same, and they were guiding a confused Remus through the campus.
“What the fuck,” he was, just like a copious amount of other friends, used to James and Peter’s antics, rolling his eyes and giving in, letting them guide him to Peter’s car.
“Pray tell, where are we going?”
“Don’t ask useless questions, you tall oaf.” James guided him into the back seat.
“You tall what.”
“NOTHING-I'M-SORRY!” James shielded his head from a Remus who made no moves to do anything.
Peter started driving, and once they were pulled in to the parking space, Remus looked up from the book and eyed Peter and James.
“Where the shit are we?”
“We’re going shopping!”
“Why.”
“We’re gonna have fun!”
“We’re gonna fuck around, aren’t we?”
“And fuck!” James chimed in.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Why, if that isn’t my favourite, himbo, James Fleamont Potter!” They heard from behind them as soon as they walked in.
James whipped around, seeing the ever-beautiful Marlene Mckinnon standing behind them.
“YOO, what’s up Marls!” Peter dapped Marlene up, somehow ending up in a headlock during the interaction.
“What’re you guys doing?” She asked, jumping on James’ back.
“We’re just gonna fuck around, do chaotic shit.” Peter said, subtly guiding a tired, unsuspecting Remus away from the bookstore around the corner.
“Oh my god,” Marlene muttered, everyone’s eyes looking slowly up a huge stack of stuffed toys, neatly stacked up. Almost as large as James’ dick.
“ No.” Remus immediately said.
“But-”
“ No. We’re far too old for that shit, we’re not 15 anymore.”
“But Remuuus,”
“ No.”
“Fine,” Marlene huffed, crossing her arms, almost choking James. “...Wanna have a trolley race?”
“Yes!” James and Peter exclaimed immediately. They looked over at Remus, who was shaking his head, but not in the ‘ abso-fucking-lutely not you guys are idiots and I will never be friends with you ever again, I’ve just been biding time until someone friend-worthy came along and then I’m leaving the whole lot of you for real’ but more in the ‘ *sigh* you guys are fucking idiots and I regret being friends with you BUTTTT I will partake in your stupid ideas’.
They all cheered at Remus and immediately started debating teams.
“So I’m thinking,” Peter started. “James and I, and Marlene and Remus.”
“Nooo fucking way,” Marlene shook her head defiantly. “Remus is going to slow us down. I vote being with Peter, he’s scarily good at pushing the trolley.”
James huffed. “Fine, I will make the sacrifice and try to melt down Remus’ cold exterior.”
“Shut up,” Remus rolled his eyes.
They walked into a Target, giggling like they were 15, even Remus cracked a smile. Or a smirk. Or a slight quirk of his lips.
They pulled out the trolleys, probably looking like fucking lunatics, checking the friction and roll-ability of the trolleys.
“I am not getting in that,” Remus eyed the trolley James was holding.
“Well I have to push it, baby, so you must.”
“I shan’t.”
“You will . Or else I’ll tell them about when I walked in on you and Sirius-”
“ Fine. I’ll do it.”
They watched Marlene chuck herself in the trolley, her and Peter doing a complicated handshake before setting up at the end of an (empty) aisle. (Don’t worry, they wouldn’t run over any unsuspecting little 5 year olds wandering around Target) (maybe) (probably) (depends on the conditions) (and what planet is in retrograde) (and how snotty the kid is).
Even with James’ Deadpool strength and Remus’ lanky body in the trolley, distributing weight effectively, Peter and Marlene still won.
Ugh.
Remus was the only one unbothered by that.
Even the security guards were bothered, because James, Marlene, Peter and Remus got chased out and banned from the shop.
Of course, they were back in said shop one week later.
Buying sex toys and actual action figure toys.