don't worry, james' onlyfans is linked in the bio
#1 wingwoman
marls
marls
marls
marlene
marlene
marlene
marlene mckinnon
marlene mckinnon
marlene mckinnon
FUCK YPU JSMRD FLRSMONT POYYRT
YOU COCKLBVOCRKRT
im sorry marlene :(
whatever
shw doesnt wsnt to fucj now
rhanks a lot
IM SORRY MARLNEEN
but anyways
i have a huge problem
i just got on the tube right
to get to sirius and remus’
ye
AND
I GETO N
AND THERES THIS GUY
WOEUJRKDBFBGEISJK
oh
ir’s THAT kimd of problem
i thought it was an acrual problemm
like u got ur thigh skewerdd through
that’s actually happened once before
wait fr
NO
NO
hahahaha
deignjtly not
hehehehe
um
okay dude
chill
but this guy
iudhbfhadfg
ughhh
sooooo beautiful bro
i want him to suck my eyeballs out of my skull
ur so fucked up 💞🦄🎀
rhanks!!!
wiat…
James winced as he read back the messages he sent Marlene a mere hour and a half ago, now with the newfound knowledge that the beautiful boy was, in fact, Sirius Orion Black’s brother.
Well, Sirius really wasn’t wrong when he said Regulus had changed since they were 14…
But anyway, James must find a way to suppress his overwhelming soul-inhabiting homosexual urges. Just like men in the early-to-late-mid-1900’s when they were a bit too comfortable with the homies.
“Come on guys, James back me up,” Sirius had exclaimed from where he was sprawled across the sofa.
Him, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, Mary, Regulus, Emma, Edgar, Benjy, Emmeline, (and newly) Dorcas and Marlene were lying around Sirius and Remus’ living room waiting for everyone else so the full party could finally start (meaning they could whip out the jello shots and play Never Have I Ever).
“Huh?” James had almost chucked his phone across the room, but instead glanced up at the others to see everyone’s eyes on him.
Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed.
“Getting a motorbike is incredibly cool and incredibly sexy.”
“Uh, I agree.”
Remus piped up from where he was sitting on the other couch.
“I never said that it wasn’t cool or sexy, I said that it was incredibly unsafe, knowing Sirius.”
“I agree with that too.”
Sirius exasperatedly threw his hands up, almost whacking Mary square in the face.
“Moony, I rode one for like a week until I crashed it when I was 16, only the coolest people ever ride motorbikes-”
Regulus interrupted him from where he was sitting on the floor, peeking through the window blinds.
“I think Barty and Evan are here,”
The whole group moved to watch Barty and Evan get off a motorbike , taking their helmets off and walking to the door.
“You were saying?” Peter asked with a cocked eyebrow.
Sirius huffed indignantly, still set on proving his point. “I mean, I’m still not wrong, they’re pretty cool, good job Reggie, having cool friends.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, the brothers did that a lot, and stood up swiftly.
“I have no place in this conversation, I’m answering the door.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
When everyone was settled down, including Pandora, who arrived with no apparent mode of transportation and carrying a dove that flew away into the direction of the moon as soon as she knocked on the door, Sirius was set on finding a game everyone was interested in.
“Musical chairs.”
“No.”
“Twister,”
“No way”
“Egg and spoon race”
“Fuck no,”
“Truth or dare,”
“Fine, whatever that gets you to shut up.”
Once they were settled in a somewhat deformed circle, Sirius started them off:
“Uhh, Prongs.”
“Yo,”
He was sprawled precariously over the floor, laying half in Remus’s lap and half in Marlene’s.
“Truth or dare.”
“Dare. Duh.”
“Right, of course. Uh, do… 500 pushups in 10 minutes.”
This resulted in an uproar from the rest of the group that consisted of “he can do more, don’t be a pussy” or “you’re a fucking idiot Sirius, he can’t do that many”. Personally, James liked the thought that people thought he was capable of doing more than that.
Obviously, the enhanced superhuman powers helped a little bit.
“Someone do the maths,” he called out, “how many pushups per second?”
“0.83,” Dorcas replied immediately.
James scoffed, self-assuredly.
“I can do that, watch me fucking pummel 500.”
They cleared the floor and James got ready while Marlene got ready to start the timer and Peter got a pen and paper to keep score.
“Wait, take your shirt off,” Sirius called out, goon grinning in anticipation.
James snorted, pulling his shirt off over his head and flexing for the audience while Sirius, Marlene, Remus, Peter, Hestia, Emma, Edgar, Benjy, Gideon, Fabian, Lily and Mary wolf-whistled, Pandora clapped contently and Barty, Emmeline, Caradoc, Dorcas and Evan nodded appreciatively.
“Okay guys, sorry to cut this session short, but I really do have to do the dare but remember, my OnlyFans is linked in the bio!”
He winked at a nonexistent camera like he was finishing a YouTube video before getting down and starting his pushups, the others watching on like it was an Olympic sport, counting the pushups intensely.
Marlene paced the room timing him, glancing anxiously back up at him every half-minute.
Safe to say, his beautiful physique (and, again, superhuman-enhanced powers) helped him finish the dare with even half a second to spare *insert James flexing* *he can’t, actually* *just imagine it* *it looks good, huh* *okay he’s done now* *but it really does look delectable, right?* *right?* *yeah, thought so*.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
It was well into the night when Marlene strutted up to James drowsily.
“Hey, idiot,” she poked his arm, leaning slightly on him to keep himself up.
“Damn, where’s your girlfriend?” He grunted, trying to pull her up to at least a semi-standing position.
She shrugged noncommittally and poked his chest.
“What happened to the guy on the tube?”
He tensed up and surveyed the room, to see Regulus on the other side, draped on the couch and talking to Pandora.
“Uh, nothing?”
“Nuffin'? Really? Tha’s dis’pointing” Marlene had started slurring her words, which was usually the point that James (not so) fondly referred to as the “Caligula phase”, where she started calling herself a god and inciting fear in everyone. Mostly because nobody knew if she was mad at them or not because of the whole word-slurring thing.
“Whoa Marls, let’s get you some water, how did you get this wasted anyways?”
“S’rus”
James sighed fondly. “That hooligan.”
He laced an arm around Marlene and half led - half tugged Marlene to get some water and food as a crash could be heard somewhere distantly.
James wasn’t entirely sure if that was from anyone inside the house or some World War 3 declaration from outside, in which case Deadpool would be completely unreachable, so hopefully if Badolf Bitler spawned somewhere in Central London, Spidey would be there to not only save the entire cosmic galaxy but to also correct James/Deadpool on his incredibly unnecessary and insensitive drunken reference to the Holocaust before he could even start mentioning any gas chambers.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
James was high.
On good fun times!
Or maybe he was actually high, Remus was a sketchy dude that James trusted with his whole life and would definitely smoke whatever Remus gave him under the guise that it was the only way for him to find his one and only soulmate.
That ringing in his ear wasn’t just his crystal meth addiction (he liked those little candy crystals you can get on a stick at the corner store), it was Sirius and Mary duetting “Love Shack”.
“I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20, so hurry up and bring your jukebox money!” Mary sang, panting slightly between verses and jumping around the room.
“THE LOOOOVE SHACK IS A LITTLE OLD PLACE WHERE WE CAN GET TOGETHEERRRRRR” Sirius continued in the girliest voice he could do without permanently damaging his vocal cords and simultaneously sounding pretty good.
“LOVE SHACK BABYYYY” Almost everyone else in the house echoed back, waving their hands in the air like the “Pretty Visitors” chorus straight out of an Arctic Monkeys concert.
James was wafting his eyes lazily over the party, his eyes catching on Regulus and Evan whispering heatedly in the corner, Regulus leisurely smirking while Evan apprehensively shook his head and trying to counter-argue whatever Regulus was saying animatedly.
Barty approached the two of them, laying himself out on the two of them precariously where they were sitting on the couch and grinning up at Evan. His entrance immediately shut the two up and just as Regulus was going to tell Barty something, Evan smacked him upside the head as Regulus lazily grinned at him.
Something was going on there, James could sense it, but James could also sense a perfect opportunity.
He turned around, following his acute senses, his eyes focusing on an innocent Remus refilling his drink at the counter.
James, as stealthily as he could, crept up behind him and rubbed his hands together while goon grinning like a cartoon villain.
He started talking lowly to himself, which Lily and Emmeline had heard and were watching on amusedly.
“A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation, James F. Potter, out of Intercourse, Pennsylvania, lines up the shot,”
A resounding “FUCKKK” could be heard throughout the flat and, no doubt, the neighbourhood as James’ hand made direct (and loud) contact with one Remus John Lupin’s juicy ass.