Oh, The Guilt
Barty, Regulus, and James are all staring at Evan, who is wearing a ridiculous black apron over his clothes.
He’s singing along to music from his phone, just blaring at max volume. His face is bright, and he hasn’t smiled quite like this in a very long time.
Months.
He looks up and sees them standing there, very obviously avoiding eye contact with Barty.
“Morning!” James says, breaking the silence with his kindness.
Regulus is still in pain, looking around his kitchen, “I thought we were done with the whole muffin thing?”
Evan shakes his head, “No, this isn’t muffins, this is real breakfast. Reg, you need a good, solid breakfast. First day back after your big surgery.”
James and Regulus step forward, taking the plates that Evan so graciously pre-prepared for them.
“Are you okay?” Regulus asks, in an odd voice.
Evan shrugs, “Of course I’m okay. Life is good, I am a millionaire. Fruit?”
James takes an apple.
“What do you think about bed and breakfasts? I’m thinking about opening one in Vermont, where the foliage is, you know?”
“Fix this.” Regulus whispers to Barty, who takes a bowl from the cupboard and sits down at the table, opting for cereal.
“Are you sure you don’t want to get some sleep, Evan?” James suggests.
“I can’t.” He shakes his head, throwing dishes into the sink. “I’m going to the hospital today.”
Regulus takes this as a good sign, “Are you finally going to talk to the Chief?”
“Uh. . . no.” Evan laughs, “I’m going to clean out my locker.”
He’s pouring a glass of orange juice for James when he recklessly spills the juice all over the check.
Barty rolls his eyes from the table.
James cleans it up as quickly as he can. “Evan!” He grabs a napkin, dotting it clean. “You can’t spill orange juice on an eight-million-dollar check.”
“Take that to the bank today.” Regulus orders him, “You’re going to destroy it before you can cash it at this rate.”
“I will,” he promises them, “as soon as I clean out my locker.”
Evan’s eyes linger to Barty, turning away, “I am fine, Regulus, I swear. Deni loved me. She wanted me to have this money, she wanted me to be happy. So, I’m happy. Alright? Now, what I’m not happy about is that I made an entire spread and still, there’s people who’d rather eat cereal.”
Barty takes a spoonful, not bothering to say anything back. Evan’s been getting the silent treatment since their argument on the sidewalk of the hospital.
It’s not until they are in the locker room that he seems to find his voice again.
“I mean, he’s clearing losing it.”
Barty’s talking to Regulus, but Dorcas overhears, asking, “who?”
“Evan.” Regulus answers, listening to his best friend continuing his rant.
“I mean, he almost battered and deep-fried an eight and a half million dollar check this morning!”
Regulus sighs, “With that kind of money, I’d buy my own hospital and stock it full of sick people.”
Dorcas rolls her eyes, “You’re psycho.”
“I’m smart. Imagine how many surgeries I could get all to myself.”
“Couldn’t you just do that at your mother’s hospital?” Dorcas jabs.
Regulus stares at her, “Dorcas, you don’t know anything about my mother.”
〚*〛
Macdonald has them circled around her, “M&M in fifteen minutes, people. I want all of you there today.”
Once a month, the doctors and physicians meet to discuss how their actions have contributed to their deaths. Also known as the M&M. When Macdonald leaves, Barty turns to them. “Reg and I will get snacks if you two get good seats.”
They’re in the third row, Barty passing out snacks to them.
Regulus doesn’t eat anything, too focused on soaking up any information he can. Dumbledore goes through a few patients when he notices one that sticks out to him.
“Patient 34986 died last month of complications following a heart transplant. Dr. Mckinnon will present.”
Marlene steps onto the stage and the interns slowly sink into their chairs.
Patient 34986 is Deni Duquette.
The M&M just became a lot less fun.
Barty whispers, “Eight million dollars could get us on a plane somewhere far, far away from here.”
“Cause of death at autopsy was an embolus that dislodged at the suture line of the transplant. Caused a C.V.A. with brainstem herniation.” Mckinnon says, about five hands shooting up immediately.
A redheaded girl wearing green scrubs snarks, “The company line is that she died of a C.V.A.?”
Mckinnon’s always cool, calm, and collected, which helps diffuse the rising situation, “There’s no company line. That is what the patient died of.” She explains, pointing to another raised hand.
“Let’s get back to this. . . uh, patient’s need for an emergency transplant.” The older man places reading glasses on his nose, “You’re saying that his left ventricle had been weakened by the LVAD malfunction?”
“His left ventricle was weakened by the fact he suffered from congestive heart failure.”
The man scoffs, “Come on, Dr. Mckinnon. We all know the LVAD was cut by an intern.”
Regulus stays motionless, this is hard to watch even for him.
Mckinnon adjusts the microphone in front of her, buying a half-second to decide her next words, “The exact chain of events remain unclear.”
“Unclear to you because you were in the E.R. with a gunshot wound.” Another pops in. Her face stays still, listening to him continue. “I mean, why aren’t we speaking to Dr. Macdonald? She was the senior physician on the case.”
“But I am the attending on record.”
Macdonald won’t sit to another second of them belittling her, “Yes. . .” she stands up, “I was the resident in charge,” a small look at her interns, of which half are attempting to hide a bag of chips in their laps. She looks at Dr. Mckinnon, silently asking for permission to take over.
With a small nod, Mary begins to take her place at the stand, adjusting the microphone up higher.
Mary begins, “Dr. Mckinnon has summarized the medical facts of this case. Are there any questions for me?”
The look on her face when almost every hand in the air flies up is pricelessly horrifying.
The first one irks her immediately, “You recently had a baby, Dr. Macdonald?”
“I don’t see what that has to do with-”
He’ll tell her. Interrupting to get his point across, “Sleep deprivation coupled with wild swings in hormone levels are factors that could cloud anyone's judgement.”
She blinks, “I sleep just fine, Dr. Savoy.”
“Really?” He tilts his head, “Because if a patient died because of my poor decision-making, I’d probably lose at least a little sleep over it.”
Dumbledore stands up from his chair on the stage, holding his hand out to silence the audience, “Let me remind everyone that our purpose here is not to place blame. This forum is to discuss mistakes in patient care and learn from them.”
Dr. Savoy is still standing, “So far, I haven’t heard Dr. Macdonald admit to a mistake.”
Dorcas tucks a braid behind her ear, “I mean, why don’t they just put a bullet in the back of her head?”
“It would be more humane.” Barty acknowledges.
“So,” Savoy states, “for a period of several hours, your interns were running amok in the hospital, totally unsupervised.”
He pauses and Mary licks her lips, “I’m waiting for a question.”
He sounds like a lawyer, the way his voice phrases things, “The question is, where were you?”
“There was the shooting, the E.R. was chaotic.”
Savoy shakes his head, “The E.R. is always chaotic, ask Dr. Black.”
If she did, Sirius would stand up for her at a time like this. Unfortunately, he’s in the emergency room, too busy to attend this segment. Which sort of proves Dr. Savoy's point, he's busy because the E.R. is chaotic.
That day was just more chaotic. Marlene was shot. Extraneous circumstances.
“I mean, did you even attempt to page them during this time?”
“Yes, I paged them multiple times.” Macdonald admits.
“Well, apparently, they thought it was okay to ignore your pages.” Savoy points out, “Doctor, why do you think your interns have such contempt for your authority.”
Barty stands up, explosively, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”
“Dr. Crouch, sit down.” Mary says, and like a dog, he listens.
In the back of the room, Evan is standing pale-faced, eyes locked on Mary Macdonald who is answering the next question.
〚*〛
Evan hesitates when he takes his stethoscope out, placing it in his ears and listening to his own heartbeat.
It’s Dorcas who finds him first, “You weren't supposed to be in there, Evan.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“You shouldn’t have had to see that.”
“Well, I did.” He lets go of the equipment, “Clearly the doctor thing was not working for me. So go about your business.”
He stands up to leave when Dorcas confesses, “Barty brought Pandora here to help and somehow got your parents to stay away. Unless you start at least hanging out with us, so we know you’re okay, we’ll get your Mom and Dad to babysit.”
Dorcas folds her hands, watching Evan relent. He doesn’t want to drag them into his life for unnecessary reasons.
〚*〛
Lily finds her at the coffee place, jumping in line and buying it for her.
“Evans, I don’t need your three dollars, you know that right?” Mary turns.
“Can’t I just be doing something nice for my friend?”
“What do you want?”
“Drinks later?” Lily shrugs, “After work?”
Mary shakes her head, “Um, no, I have to go home and be with my son, Lily.”
Right.
And the husband.
“Oh, okay. No worries. I’ll just ask someone else.”
Mary clocks her, “Do you have any other friends here?”
“Of course I do.”
“James? Your ex-husband doesn’t count.” She reminds.
“I have Remus and Sirius and Marlene. Peter’s nice, too. I’ve gotten to know Frank a bit.” Lily practically reads off the list.
“Right.” Mary nods, “Great. Now ask any of them considering they are the workaholics who knew better than to devote precious O.R. time to a child.”
〚*〛
“Chief, do you have a minute?” Marlene catches up to him.
He’s still walking when Dumbledore comments, “That was quite a morning, hm?”
“Certainly,” Marlene agrees, “I believe it’s always good to be reminded of how important it is to be at the top of your game. . . which is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Dumbledore claps a hand on her left shoulder, “I am so glad you are back in this building.” A rare positive attitude emanating from him. “I need your help focusing on the staff. They respond to you as an authority figure. I mean, you are an example of what they should be. A leader.” He finishes, “It’s fantastic to have you back.”
Marlene is frozen in her spot when he walks off. She didn’t get to tell the Chief the truth.
She is so totally fucked.
〚*〛
“You look good without an appendix.” James compliments him, “How are you feeling? No pain?”
“No pain.” Regulus assures him, filling out charts as he eats.
Regulus is paged upstairs.
For the first time in his life, he is on Lily Evan’s service.
“Dr. Black.” She walks in, wearing heels that click with every step, “We’ve been asked to consult on a case where a woman has a foreign object stuck inside of her.”
Regulus is good at keeping a straight face, even if he was surprised to hear her say such an absurd sentence as that. He tries to keep an open mind, knowing he still hasn't chosen a specialty to pursue, but this isn't something he's interested in.
〚*〛
Marlene is scribbling signatures on papers when Dorcas shuts the conference room door. Her girlfriend doesn’t look up when she enters the room nor when she’s greeted.
Instead, she confesses, “I went to tell the Chief. . . about my hand.”
“Oh, Marls, how did–”
“I couldn’t.” She sets the pen down, tilting her head up to the ceiling, “And now I don’t know what I am going to do.”
Dorcas is quick to find a solution, “Well, I-I can be there if you need me in surgery.”
“I am not going to be doing any surgery.” Marlene corrects her. “I am going to catch up on paperwork.”
“Wait, so—so what does that mean? That-”
“I don’t know!” She snaps. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need time to think. I have. . . paperwork.”
Dorcas nods, angrily, then leaves out of the room.
〚*〛
It’s the first time they’ve all had lunch together since Evan took his leave.
He’s sipping on a diet soda, “I think I’ll buy something for Macdonald. What do you think she would want?”
“Not a clue.” Dorcas shrugs.
Barty is staying uncharacteristically quiet. Regulus notices and makes a mental note to ask him what’s going on later.
“I’d buy an island so I can get away from you.” Mulciber says, targeting the four of them.
“Please,” Regulus scoffs, “you’re an intern. When would you have time to go to an island?”
“I’d quit.”
“You don’t have what it takes anyways.” He agrees. “It’s for the best, whether you’re rich or not.”
Dorcas catches his tone, “Someone’s fired up today.”
〚*〛
They're both heading to the base floor, where the coffee and cafeteria are. Well, for Evan, it's where the exit is. “I got shot because I was coming back to the hospital to check on Deni because you told me to.” Marlene breaks the silence. An eerie elevator ride has ascended up two floors already, “I’m not fine. And neither are you.”
“I-”
“Deni and you were going to get married and now she is dead. You’re not fine.” Marlene says, anger spilling out of her words.
“I’m sorry.” Evan apologizes, “I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I know there is nothing I can do to take it back, I know that.”
“No.”
“Marlene, please.”
She turns on her heel, pointing at the man, “You quit! You quit being a surgeon. You have two good hands. . . and you aren’t using them. Feel guilty about that.”
The door opens and Evan steps out.
Marlene was due for a blow-up; she never intended it to be at an intern. At least not Evan, one of the only people who might be hurting just as much as she is right now. Marlene likes to believe she's a good person. She does. But sometimes? Right now? She's finding it so hard to be one. She's got so much anger in her. Anger at Evan for making her come check on Deni. Anger at one of her closest friends, because she couldn't get her interns in line. Anger at Dorcas, for not being the one who knows how to fix her.
〚*〛
Sirius is paging Marlene, rushing to the operating room. Dorcas is fighting with him.
“Mckinnon is not on the board, she’s not operating yet.”
“She’s cleared? Isn’t she?” Black asks, staring at the girl. He’s not scrubbing in, there’s another situation going on in the pit so once he’s sure this patient is handled, he’ll leave.
Marlene walks through the door like she owns the place, like she’s comfortable. Sirius is watching her carefully, “Do you need any help, Marlene, or can you do this?”
Marlene blinks, “I’m cleared,” is all she says.
Sirius leaves without another thought, the two women standing adjacent to one another, both beginning to scrub in.
“How are we going to do this?” Dorcas asks, knotting the cap on the back of her neck.
Marlene doesn’t turn to look at her, “You stand on my right side.”
“On your right side,” she repeats.
“If at any time during the procedure, I look at you, you’ll know to slide in to do the sutures that we practiced.” Marlene nods.
“What if one of the scrub nurses notices?” She asks, trying to prepare herself, “What if they say something?”
“Dorcas, I cannot walk away from this surgery. If I do, that man is going to die. Tremor or no tremor, I have to try.”
“And I will be on your right side.” Dorcas assures her.
She’s gloved in the operating room, taking her spot on the side. Dorcas is next to her, watching as Marlene takes the ten blade and makes her first cut.
Her hand shakes, clearing her throat, Marlene snaps her eyes over to her girlfriend, a signal.
“Dr. Mckinnon, I know it’s a lot to ask,” she begins, “but I would really appreciate it if you’d let me try my running whip stitch.”
Much to everyone’s surprise, she hands her the equipment and steps back, letting Dorcas take lead spot. Instructing her as they go, Marlene says, “Make sure it holds, yes, there. Good. Don’t put too much pressure now. Keep going.”
In the gallery, Regulus, Barty, and Evan are all standing there, watching in complete and total awe.
Evan can’t believe this, “Dorcas is doing a running whip stitch on a heart.”
“I guess sleeping with your boss has it’s perks.” Barty snipes, trying to get a rise out of his best friend. “How come James doesn’t let you do shit like that?”
“Because somehow it’s favoritism when I get perks.” He rolls his eyes. “Not that I need them.”
Barty shakes his head, “Sex and perks. Maybe Dorcas is winning.”
Evan scoffs, looking at him.
Regulus feels awfully in the middle when Barty finds his voice for the first time all day, all week really.
“Do you want to say something Rosier?” He tilts his head, “Or are you just going to keep judging silently?”
Evan folds his arms over his chest, “As a matter of fact, I have a question for you.”
“Shoot.” Barty shrugs, “Or snip, whatever you prefer.”
Regulus sighs, knowing this is going to go very bad, very fast.
“Is sex really all you think about? I mean, are you seriously that shallow all of the time?”
“I don’t like shallow, Rosier, I like deep.”
“You’re fucking disgusting, you know that right?”
Barty laughs, “I’d rather be disgusting than annoying.”
“Don’t worry, you’re both!”
〚*〛
A successful operation. Marlene has never seen such a big smile on Dorcas’ face. It scares her, how she can barely even recognize herself anymore.
Because this is not who she is.
She doesn't lie. She doesn't abandon her morals. She doesn't keep secrets from her mentor, or anyone.
〚*〛
Evan finds Dumbledore in his office. He doesn’t know why the first thing his mind thinks of to say is, “I have eight million dollars.”
“So, I’ve heard.”
“I can do anything I want.”
“Just about.”
“But all I really want to do,” Evan confesses, “is a running whip stitch on a heart.
He smacks his lips, “My first year as an intern, I had a stable cardiac patient who blew out his lung while I was transporting him to C.T. I called in the code and by the time everyone got there, he died. If I had put a chest tube in right away. . .” he shakes his head, “the point is that I made a mistake. But I also stayed. I worked, I learned. I never made the same mistake again. If I quit, all I would have had was that life. . . that I lost. Instead, I get to save lives. Everyday. I get to save lives every single day.”
Evan nods, unsure of how to reply to that.
"So, I'm asking if you want to save lives, or stay stuck here. Rooted in the ground, forever thinking about Deni and what you could or could not have done to make things end up differently." Dumbledore lays his options on the table. "What do you want to do?"
〚*〛
James and Regulus are watching Evan stare at the check on the kitchen fridge. James is the one who asks, “Are you really not going to deposit that?”
Evan turns to them, “Some good needs to come from this money. Until I know what that good is, no, I’m not going to deposit that check.”
He goes up to his room and Regulus reaches for the magnet. James smacks his hand away, pulling him in close so he doesn’t get mad.
“You can’t touch the check.” James raises his eyebrows at him.
“I wasn’t.”
“You were.”
“He’s being stupid! He’ll lose the check before he can cash it and fuck himself over,” Regulus reaches for it again, this time being stopped when James picks him up, physically carrying him out of the kitchen and dropping him onto the couch.
Regulus falls with a huff, reaching out to fist James’ shirt in his hand, using it to pull his body over his own. He connects their mouths, smiling into the kiss.
Regulus tugs on his boyfriend’s hair, the curls messier than normal.
James stares at him long enough that Regulus’ cheeks pink, asking, “What?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head, “I just love you. That’s all.”
“Oh, well, I love you too.”
“I want it to stay like this forever.” James nods, “You and me. I want you forever.”
“Are you trying to ask me to marry you?”
James’ eyes go wide, “Are you saying yes?”
“No.”
He laughs uncomfortably.
“I mean no because you’re not asking me on my fucking couch. You’re going to have to do a little better, try a little harder.”
James rubs his eyes underneath his glasses, “Reg, I promise when I do ask you, you won’t be unsure. You’ll know when I ask.”
“Good.”
“Would you?”
“Would I what?” He questions.
“Would you say yes?” James leans up a bit, anxious to hear the answer, “If I asked you, I mean.”
There’s a moment of silence and James wonders if he’s trying to figure out how to let him down gently. Then Regulus smiles, that little dimple popping out in all the right ways.
He’s happy, James can tell, and it’s nice to see. It’s nice to know that it’s James who makes him happy.
Bit of an ego-booster, actually.
“I’d say yes.” Regulus decides, “If you asked me.”
James kisses him hard, planning their hypothetical proposal already. Regulus slips his tongue into his mouth until he hears Barty clearing his throat. “So, uh, I just wanted to let you know, that couch is for all the people here, not for fucking.”
James flips him off, Regulus pushing his boyfriend off of him, whispering in his ear while his eyes are attached on his best friend, “Meet me upstairs.”
James follows orders like a damn dog.
Standing up, Regulus tilts his head to the side, “Will you just go to talk to him? Or fuck him? Or something?”
“I’m not talking to him.” He leaves out the and he doesn’t want to fuck me.
Regulus is so annoyed by Barty, who refuses to ever take his advice. “Don’t watch a porno on the TV.”
“Why would I need to when I just saw you two on the couch.” He snarks, “You have to stop forgetting you have roommates.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Barty, you have a lot of problems but your biggest one is clearly Evan. And if you want my opinion on it, just try again. I think he likes you, deep down. I mean, he clearly does if he’s still living here as a millionaire.”
“You’re wrong.”
“What’s there to lose if I am? What if I’m right?”
Barty isn’t a hopeful person that way when things go badly, he’s more prepared to feel the outcome.
He refuses to let this time be any different.
“Evan and I aren’t anything, nor do I want to be anything, at least until he apologizes.” Barty walks past Regulus and plops himself on the couch, clicking the remote on and going to the streaming app for movies.
Regulus scoffs, “Fine. Don’t listen to me, I don’t care.” He can only do so much to help them. Although, locking the two of them in the closet together might force them to talk, or tell each other the truth, or something. James, of course, shot down that idea about a month ago when Regulus first threatened Barty and Evan for not speaking. But he gives up, at least for tonight.
He’s got James waiting for him anyways and runs up the stairs once he’s out of Barty’s eyeline.
〚*〛
Dorcas has been changing the board, secretly moving Mckinnon’s surgery to fit into her own schedule. She’s got people bringing her lattes via request from her girlfriend as a thanks. She only works in O.R. 2 because it doesn’t have a gallery for people to watch.
Evan’s appalled by the whole thing, “Mckinnon’s back but Dorcas runs her board?” He scoffs, “Does she think she’s Macdonald?”
Regulus doesn’t care, he’s only running off three hours of sleep, thanks to James’ nighttime activities.
Barty, standing on the opposite side, agrees, “She’s taking advantage of Mckinnon. Getting out of rounds, ordering around third-year residents, getting in on every surgery. It’s the same shit that Macdonald threatened you for.”
Regulus is only a little bit bitter.
She refuses to hang out with them at all. Ever since she began dating Mckinnon, and more recently since she’s been taking care of her post-op and throughout recovery, it’s like Dorcas has no time for anything other than Marlene and work.
And today, she’s somehow convinced Mckinnon to do a humpty-dumpty surgeon on Mr. Byrd, a patient who was admitted yesterday. He has a primary cardiac tumor.
〚*〛
Dumbledore is writing while speaking, “Legal cleared Rosier. Explain his parameters and make sure he understands.”
Mary nods, relieved that Evan is being assigned to her again and not some other resident.
〚*〛
Lily has a peculiar patient. She came into the E.R. with twins, one developing much slower than the other. Her name is Noelle. She’s not in labor or bleeding, but she does have two uteruses. A rare condition.
Evan is watching Mary watch Lily.
She’s explained everything about his counseling, lab hours, and volunteering. Mary also has some other guidelines that Evan must follow before he can clear himself from her shit list too.
Mary clears her throat, “Let’s start with what you don’t get to do.” Evan nods, trying to be eagerly listening, “You will not interact with any patients, you will not be alone with any patients, you will be seen and not heard. You will perform no procedures. The O.R. is off-limits. No pre-op, no post-op, no nothing.”
Evan slowly shoves his hands in his pockets, “What can I do? I mean, I want to be useful.”
“You’ve got to earn back the right to make any of us trust you again. For now, you’ll be shadowing a different doctor each day.”
Barty interjects, “You paged?”
“Dr. Crouch.”
Evan’s face falls, “Barty?”
She looks at Crouch, “Make sure Rosier observes only.”
“You want me to babysit?”
Evan can’t believe this, “You’re making Barty the boss of me?”
Mary nods, leaving before either of them can complain.
〚*〛
Sirius is looking at the burn on the palm of his patient’s hand. She is a skinny brunette, talking incessantly, “When I’m studying for the BAR, I’m a mess. I can’t focus on anything for weeks but torts and real property and constitutional law. And I wanted some tea while I was studying, so I put on a pot of water. Hit the timer and just forgot. Half an hour into my section on contracts, the smoke alarm was blaring and well, you know the rest.”
He tries to make conversation, “You’re going to be a lawyer, huh?”
She’s in an oddly good mood for someone who’s clearly in pain, “All I have to do is pass the BAR exam. I failed before, but this time I’m ready. I’m going to pass.”
〚*〛
Lily is trying to help the parents understand, “They’re healthy, but. . . they are substantially different sizes for a very unique reason. The babies have two different due dates. Your son was conceived six weeks before your daughter.”
“But. . . we broke up.” He looks at his fiancée, “Noelle got pregnant. I wanted to get married, but she didn’t. I gave her an ultimatum and she left me.”
“I’m so sorry,” she cries.
“We were barely speaking six weeks after the conception.” He shouts, “Let alone having sex!”
“It was one night!” She tries to defend herself.
He storms out of the room.
Lily leaves too, taking an early lunch. Mary is the only one sitting at the table right now, “Guess what?”
“Hm?”
“I just accidentally broke the news of my patient’s infidelity to her fiancé.”
“Oh, Lily.” She shakes her head, “That’s not. . . that’s bad.”
“It is.” She pulls her hair into a low bun, “Please tell me your day is going better than mine?”
Mary shrugs, “Rosier is back, which is nice. He seems to be doing okay.”
“And you?”
“What about me?”
“Are you doing okay?” Lily asks, “You seem. . . I don’t know, you seem off.”
She hesitates for a moment, so unlike herself, and then shakes her head, “It’s nothing.”
“What?” Lily scoffs, “It’s something. Tell me.”
“No, no. There’s nothing going on.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Mary doesn’t say anything for a long time. But Lily’s eyes, the green hue that makes her want to go outside and stare at the leaves, the grass, everything. She looks at her with those eyes and Mary can’t stay silent, “Tucker and I. . . we’re fighting. A lot.”
“Oh,” she loses her smile, “that’s awful, Mary, I’m sorry.”
Mary gets paged, “It’s fine. I’ve got to go.”
“Okay, well maybe we could get a drink and talk about it later?” She suggests, not realizing Mary has already left earshot.
〚*〛
Sirius doesn’t have to stay. He should’ve left minutes ago. But Remus is here and he’s still trying to work up the courage to ask him out.
He’s staring down at the wound, “I hear you burned your hand because you were studying?”
She sighs, “I can’t even be allowed to warm soup within five days of taking the bar.”
“And so you burned your hand by grabbing the pot.”
“Pretty much.” Angela says, “Dropped it, obviously. It was pretty much red hot.”
Sirius tilts his head.
Remus looks at her oddly too, “You must’ve held it for a little while. This burn’s extremely deep.”
She nods like she knew that already, “Oh, yeah. No, that’s right. I held on, then I dropped it.”
Remus looks up at her from where he’s seated, “There are some deep partial thickness burns here. Give her a gram of cefazolin and a tetanus.”
Angela frowns, “It’s too bad, really. That I did this to my hand. I’m supposed to be taking the BAR again on Friday.”
Remus shakes his head, “This burn is bad, Angela, but I’m very good. I’ll get you fixed up, you should be fine for Friday.”
Instead of happiness, she looks fearful. Sirius taps his shoulder, getting Remus into the hall.
He’s staring up at him, even when Remus is crouched, halfway leaning against the wall, “She’s got to be lying.”
“Something off about her, yeah, but that doesn’t automatically mean she’s lying.” Remus gives her the benefit of the doubt.
Sirius shakes his head, “She told me that she burnt it making tea. You got fed a story about soup. She denied holding onto the pot until you corrected her. She did this on purpose.”
“She did panic when I told her I could get her right before the test.” Remus acknowledges.
〚*〛
When Dorcas is walking by, she notices Macdonald has put her name to scrub in for the humpty-dumpty surgery. Internal dread sets in. She knows what she has to do.
Mary is the best superior Dorcas has ever had. She respects her to the utmost extent.
But she would do anything to protect Mckinnon. She loves Marlene and this is what has to be done.
There’s truly no other option.
Dorcas scans her surroundings, picking up the eraser and taking Mary’s name off the board.
〚*〛
Lily’s patient is bradycardic. She’s freaking out because her husband has left. Lily gets an evil thought, wondering if Mary will leave Tucker.
She pulls herself back to where she is, “Noelle, have you had any cramping, contractions? Any pressure at all?”
She’s breathing heavily, “We have to get past this.”
Lily almost has to force her back down in the bed with the help of Emmeline. They turn her on her left side. Lily ordered her not to push.
At the same time, Evan’s escaped from Barty. He finds Dorcas sitting on the steps, reading some giant textbook.
Evan breaks the silence, considering she didn’t even look up to acknowledge his presence. “Are you alright?” He asks, “You’ve barely spoken all week.”
Dorcas nods, eyes reading line after line.
“Okay, what is going on?”
“I just. . .” she closes the book, “I have bigger things in my life right now. I don’t have time to listen to you bitch and moan about your check or Barty or anything else, okay?”
Dorcas stands up, leaving Evan be.
She needs to scrub in anyways.
Marlene takes the ten blade, beginning her work.
〚*〛
Remus is dressing her hand, “This is so you won’t need skin grafts, which is good news.”
She is staring at her hand, “If I did get grafts, would that take long? I mean, I mean, like how long would something like that take if-if I had needed them?”
Remus and Sirius lock eyes, having a silent conversation. Sirius answers this question, “Uh, that would just depend on the severity of the burn.”
“So more severe?”
“Just to make sure I have everything correct. . .” Remus treads lightly, “you burned your hand. . .?”
“We’ve been over this already.” Angela sighs, “Look, I have a test on Friday, and I have work to do.” She is trying to stand up while Remus isn’t done bandaging her hand, “So I have to–I want to go home. I’m really ready to get out of here now, okay?”
Sirius just blurts it out, an attempt to slow her down, “Angela, did you burn your hand on purpose?” There’s a pause, “It’s okay if you did, but. . . did you burn your hand to get out of taking that test?”
Angela’s eyes well, “I can’t fail that damn test one more time. I just. . . can’t. It’s all anyone in my family—in my life—talks about. It’s all I’m known for. Angela, the failure. Can you imagine failing the bar exam five times? Five times?” She laughs, sadly, “That’s just absurd. I mean. . . that’s just, uh. . . that’s pathetic. I cannot sit for two and a half solid days of testing again just to prove to everyone again. . . how pathetic I am. Not. . . when. . .” she can’t even speak through her tears anymore.
–
Marlene and Dorcas are working on the heart together, applying the final hemostasis suture. Dorcas talks her through it, letting Marlene complete the removal.
It was attached to the intravenal septum.
“Are you going to use a graft?” Dorcas asks.
Marlene smiles under the surgical mask, “Somebody’s been doing their homework.”
It kind of turns her on, watching Dorcas do such a complicated procedure. After they’ve scrubbed out, she mentions, “You really prepared.”
“Yes, well. . . I’m always prepared.” Dorcas says, their shoulders bumping as they walk down the hall.
Marlene let unpins her braids, letting the loose pieces fall behind each ear. “Couldn’t do it without you.”
“Thank you.”
Their moment is interrupted by a very upset Mary Macdonald stopping in front of them.
Surprisingly, she’s not angry at her intern.
“Dr. Mckinnon, can we have a moment alone?”
Dorcas leaves immediately.
“Dr. Mckinnon,” she starts, arms crossed over her chest, “if you have doubts about me or my abilities-”
“Mary, I don’t, what?”
She scoffs, “Well, my name was erased from the board, I have to assume that was you.”
Marlene’s face contorts, it’s not until she sees Dorcas in the corner of her eyes, silently, motionlessly begging for her to cover.
She closes her mouth, “Dr. Mckinnon.”
“I just-” Mary sighs, “I just—I need to know why. I need you to tell me why you didn’t want me in on your surgery.”
There’s a hesitation before, “I’m afraid I just couldn’t use you today.”
Mary nods, throwing her hands up, “I understand.” She walks off, mumbling under her breath as she goes.
〚*〛
Remus, Sirius, and Angela are in the elevator. She asks, “Where are we going, again?”
Remus sighs, “We just need to go upstairs.”
They get to the fifth floor. The psychiatric floor.
Angela figures this out very quickly, “What?”
“We need to place you on a seventy-two hour hold.” Sirius explains.
“No, I’m not crazy. You can’t—no!”
“If you go home, we’re afraid you might hurt yourself again.” Remus says, “You need help, Angela. Everyone needs help from time to time. Someone to look out for them, make sure they’re okay. It’s good to get help. You need that right now.”
He offers his hand out, waiting for her to take it.
“I’m not crazy,” her voice is raw, “I just didn’t want to fail.”
“I know,” Remus nods, waiting still.
Angela eventually takes his hand.
〚*〛
Regulus picks up his phone before even looking at the caller I.D., so it’s really his fault.
He was just busy and it slipped his mind.
“Regulus.”
“That’s not any way to greet your mother, now is it?”
His heart plummets to his stomach, he hates that she makes him feel this way.
“Apologies, Maman, how are you?”
Regulus doesn’t even remember the last time he answered one of her classes. He ghosted his mother months ago. James has been good for him, not speaking to her, that’s been good for him. Sirius, despite the rough patch, has been really good for him.
This?
This is not good for him.
Regulus is stuck listening to her ramble, “Well, not that you asked but my practice is going great now. I cannot believe Dumbledore pulled strings to get you to stay. Anything you want to tell me?”
This feels like a trap, “I assisted on a rotationplasty last week during my ortho shift.”
“The fact you are wasting time on an ortho shift tells me that the hospital is a joke.” She scoffs, “Nothing else?”
“No. . .”
She hangs up the phone rather suddenly. Regulus has a terrible feeling about this.
He needs to talk to Sirius about this, he might know what to do. Or he might tell him to just run away.
〚*〛
Remus and Sirius are in the elevator, the silence overbearing.
“You disappeared.” Sirius points out.
“My mother died.” Because of his total shock, Sirius chooses not to say, I wish my mother was dead, and instead takes a deep breath.
“Oh, Remus,” he sighs, “I had no idea. Are you okay, I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs, “I-I’m. . . it’s fine.”
“No, I can’t imagine. . . I mean, were you close?”
He nods, “She’s the only real parent I think I had. My dad and I. . . we don’t get along.”
Sirius knows what that’s like. He can’t forget. “You could’ve called, I would’ve came or did something, I don’t know.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” Sirius turns to face him.
Remus turns only his head, “I need you to tell me why.”
Before a single word can get out of his mouth, the elevator door opens. Mulciber walks in, immediately looking at Remus to try and pry a case.
Neither of them look at each other again.
〚*〛
Mary is sitting at the bar, shaking her glass, debating whether or not to order another. It’s not until Lily sits down, order a drink for herself and another for Mary, that she even realizes how much time had passed.
“Why’d you do that?” Mary asks, looking at the full glass in front of her.
Lily shrugs, turning her barstool so her body is facing Mary’s, “You look like you need it. Tucker?”
Mary scoffs, “Only partly.”
“What now?”
“Marlene Mckinnon doesn’t trust me in her operating room. Ever since Rosier and the entire thing with Deni, I’ve clearly lost respect from my peers, so much so that I can’t even assist on surgeries anymore.”
Lily can tell she’s been holding that in all day. As horrible as Mary’s past few hours have been, Lily is grateful she’s the one that gets to hear this rant. So what? She may not be as much as she wants to be with Mary but she’ll take this, and anything she can get. No matter how little. It's enough for her. Even being around her is enough.
If this is all Lily can have, a friendship position, then she’ll take it. And she’ll enjoy every fucking millisecond she gets to spend in Mary’s presence.
Mary takes a long drink, “And your patient? With two uteruses. How’s she?”
“I delivered the boy during a C-section this afternoon. The baby girl is stable and will continue to cook for another month or two, if all goes well.” Lily tells her.
Mary nods to show she was listening, offering no words in return.
“Are you going home soon?”
“Tuck is waiting on me but. . .”
“But what?”
“But if I go home now,” she shakes her head slightly, “all we’ll do until midnight is argue. If I wait until midnight, he’ll be asleep and we won’t fight. I’ll leave early enough he won’t see me. It sounds horrible but. . . I don’t think I have any fight left in me today.”
Lily offers her place to crash in, to which Mary says, “I do need to see my baby.”
Which is fair, really.
But she’s disappointed, nonetheless.