Break On Through
Regulus is waiting beside his intern group, curious to see who their replacement resident is going to be since Lily Evans decided that it was time for Mary to go on maternity leave, seeing as her due date is very soon.
A tall, thin man all but skips down the stairs, yelling their last named, “Black, Rosier, Crouch, Meadowes, and Mulciber!”
“Who is that?” Dorcas whispers.
Evan shrugs.
He’s a little cheerful, “You guys look like a great group which is awesome. Because you know, I heard from Macdonald you could be a little challenging so. . . but you guys, no, you look like a good group.”
Barty mumbles behind Regulus’ ear, “Kill me now.”
Regulus has to contain the smile on his face, remaining motionless as the man in front of them keeps on talking.
“We are going to have so much fun.”
He goes in, “Come on, group hug, let’s go.” He tries to pull in Regulus, who steps back so fast that he catches Barty.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow.” Barty leans back.
“Oh,” he lets go, “I’m sorry, am I hurting you?”
“You’re touching me.”
Their new resident makes a face, “Um. . . not a hugger, got it.” He nods, “Well, I’m Frank Longbottom, fourth year, and my philosophy is to heal with love, alright?”
“Right,” Dorcas says.
“So, Regulus, consult in the pit?” Apparently he’s going to go around calling everybody by their first names too.
“I’m not allowed to do anything.” He says, morbidly, holding his finger up in the air, “I’m supposed to get cleared tomorrow.”
“Evan?”
“Yep.” Evan leaves as quickly as he can.
Longbottom gives the rest of them their assignments, too.
Dorcas is on Lily Evan’s service today, removing some of the excess amniotic fluid that has been built up in Sheyenne’s body.
“Is it bad?” Her patient asks.
Evans shakes her head, “No, your baby looks healthy now.”
“Does that mean we can go?” The mother asks, well. . . the patient’s mother. “I appreciate you seeing us, I really do, but this is a long drive for us and I cannot miss another shift.”
The pregnant girl is only fifteen. A sophomore in high school now.
Lily looks down, “Unfortunately, Ms. Wood, the mass on the baby’s neck is what is causing the buildup of fluid. It’s also obstructing her airway and spine.”
“Mom?” She looks over, scared.
“It’s fine,” Ms. Wood comforts her daughter.
Dr. Evans explains to her, “We’re going to do a procedure called an exit surgery. Basically we do a C-Section and only half deliver the baby.”
“What does that mean, half-deliver?”
“We pull the head and the arms out, we don’t cut the umbilical cord.” She finishes.
“Why?”
Dr. Evans let Meadowes take that question, “The tumor won’t let air get to the baby’s lungs, so we need the umbilical cord to keep her alive during the operation. If you think about it, you’re like the baby’s life support machine.”
Lily pushes the screen away, finished with it, “Then after the surgery, if all goes well, we cut the umbilical cord. Then you are going to be the mother and grandmother of a healthy baby girl.”
“How does that sound?” Dorcas says, trying to get them to have just a smidge more hope than they do now.
Ms. Wood isn’t impressed, “It sounds expensive.”
Evans does have some good news to share, “Your doctor at the clinic is a former student of mine, so. . . it’s covered. I’m going to take this up to the lab.”
Dorcas follows her, “I’ll check on you in a bit.”
〚*〛
Rosier draws a line on the redness of the infection on Claire’s thigh, “This is where it’s at now, when I come back to check on you in a while, we will see if it’s moved or not.”
“What happens if it moves?” The boyfriend asks.
Evan caps the marker, “If it doesn’t, you’ll get antibiotics and be sent home, however, if it does then the infection is aggressive. We would have to do a muscle biopsy.”
The patient’s face goes pale, “You have to take out a piece of my muscle?”
“Mhm.”
“I’m supposed to run a 10k tomorrow.” She says, “I’m a runner, it’s what I do.”
Evan hates to be the bearer of bad news, “You’re not running anywhere on this leg. Can you tell me when you first noticed the rash?”
“When we climbed Rainier yesterday.” The boyfriend recalls.
“Wow, did you go up the Glacier route?” Frank buts in. Evan doesn’t know why he is in here, if anything happens, he is supposed to report it to Sirius, not Frank. He is just micromanaging at this point.
“Please,” the girl scoffs, “we went up Liberty Ridge.”
“Hard core.” He nods, “I’m Frank Longbottom.” He shakes both Claire and Wade’s hands. “I’m Evan’s teacher.”
Substitute teacher, maybe.
He likes Mary way better.
He gets them back on track, “Did you sustain any trauma on the hike? You know, fall down, bang your leg against something?”
“I don’t think so.” Claire shakes her head.
Wade practically has a light-bulb going over his head, “She did uh. . . cut her foot on some oyster shells at the beach the other day.” He looks at Frank, “We went windsurfing in Puget Sound.”
Evan doesn’t know what any of that means.
Frank apparently does, “So you’re very active, huh?”
Evan bends down to look at the foot, Claire reacts, “Ow.”
“Is my leg going to be alright?”
Frank is sure of it, “It’s probably just a simple skin infection.”
Evan knows it is not, “Look,” he points, “it’s spreading.”
From the line drawn minutes ago, it’s moved probably three or four inches at least.
〚*〛
Regulus steps into the trauma room, looking at his boyfriend and his brother.
“What’s going on?” He says, confused, “I thought you were taking my X-Ray tomorrow?”
“This isn’t about your hand,” Sirius says, ushering him forwards.
James has an open computer article up on his laptop, looking nervously at Regulus.
“What’s it about then?”
He feels like he just walked into an intervention or something.
“There is a clinical trial for Alzheimer’s going on. Orion is the perfect candidate and James can get him in, but you are his next of kin since Walburga signed it over to you.”
He steps forward, looking at the article, “A clinical trial?”
Someone could cure his father. That’s what he hears. Orion could be the same as before.
“Sirius,” he sighs, “Orion’s not-”
“Regulus, he meets the criteria and what’s the harm. He’s getting worse anyways, you know he is, might as well try, right?”
James mentions, “They could do it right in this hospital, Reg, he’d not even have to leave.”
“I don’t know,” he shakes his head, “I don’t know.”
Sirius steps right in front of him, “Please, Reggie, I-if there is any chance he could go back to normal, we have to try it. I need to talk to Dad again, the real version of him, not the Alzheimer-y one. If not for him, do it for me, Regulus. I’m asking you.”
James stands on the other side of the room, quietly trying to not interfere.
But Regulus pulls him back into the conversation, “You think this is a good idea?”
James sighs, “Honestly, Reg, I think it’s the best chance he has. I read through everything and it’s—if it were my father I would want him to have the best shot at surviving.”
He can’t decide, not so quickly.
“What else do we need to do?”
“Full family history.” James says, “not necessarily your mother but definitely the two of you will need to give blood. And you would have to sign for him, of course.”
“How much time do I have to decide?” Regulus asks, watching Sirius get paged and leave.
Well, leave from one trauma room to the next.
James answers the rest of his questions, “They’ll hold his spot until eight tonight, but then we have to call with an answer.”
Regulus nods, “Okay,” he says, “okay.”
James shuts the blinds quickly, “Hi, how are you?”
“I’m fine, why?”
James shrugs, “You left early this morning,” he steps forwards, so close that they’re practically touching.
“Who found the trial? You or Sirius?”
James knows his decision is going to sway Regulus’ answer, so he decides to lie, “It was me.”
“Oh.” He looks up at his boyfriend, “I thought surely it was Sirius.”
It was. James feels sick lying to him.
James shakes his head, “I know the neurosurgeon who is running the trial and when I found out, I told Sirius and then we got the research before we asked you.”
Regulus runs his hands through his hair, “I really don’t know what to do. What if this kills my father? It would be my fault.”
“No, it wouldn’t, Reg.” James holds his face in his hands, “That wouldn’t be your fault at all.”
He shakes his head, “I should go.”
“Regulus,” James holds him there for a moment, “don’t leave.”
“I’m not leaving, I just have work.” He says, tilting his head.
James has his hands on Regulus’ hips, trying to get him to stay, “My last surgery is at eleven, do you want to get lunch? You can tell me all about your new resident.”
“I promised Barty I’d meet him in the basement.” Regulus says, “He’ll be mad if I ditch.”
“Who cares?” James frowns, “It’s Barty. He’ll eat with Evan.”
Regulus makes a face, “You know he’ll be angry. And we sleep in the same bed every single night James, we don’t have to have lunch, too.”
“I want to have lunch.”
“Well, I can’t today.”
“When can you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Regulus, I just don’t. . . are you mad at me or something?” James asks, “I feel like sometimes you don’t even want to be seen with me.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “If anyone in this hospital tells Dumbledore about us, I’m going to lose all of my credibility. I’ll be a joke. Everything I’ve done will be forgotten and I’ll become the stupid intern who slept with his boss. It’s different for you, James, you are established, you’re unbelievably talented. I’m the intern with a broken finger.”
“You didn’t just sleep with me.” James says, his voice angry, hurt, “We’re dating, remember?”
“Of course I remember, James, don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not trying to be but can you blame me?” He asks him, eyebrows folding, lips red.
Regulus huffs, “This isn’t going anywhere, let’s just talk tonight, James, I can’t—I can’t do this right now.”
He pulls out of James’ hands and walks out of the trauma room, leaving him there alone.
James is glad he’s paged so he doesn’t have to linger around and think about how badly that conversation went.
It’s Lily who paged him, “What’s up?”
“Hey,” she says, handing him a chart, “I need a neuro consult on a fetal spinal tumor. Can you help me with that?”
“Of course.”
〚*〛
Claire has necrotizing fasciitis, flesh eating bacteria. All non-essential personnel leave the O.R. which is nice because Sirius assures Frank he can deal with this by himself, leaving Rosier with him.
Sirius stops what he is doing, “We’re going to have to amputate.”
“She’s a runner, a climber, there isn’t any other option?” Evan asks, “Can we dissect it all?”
“If we don’t get the infection under control immediately, Claire will die.” Sirius tells them, watching as the nurses gather the materials for the amputation, “This is the only option.”
“Oh.”
〚*〛
James, Lily, and Dorcas are standing at Cheyenne’s bed, talking her through the treatment, “What we want to try and do is go in and get as much of the tumor out as possible during your surgery.” James tells her.
“So, is my baby going to be fine?”
“You may be able to take your baby home by the end of the week.” Lily grins.
“That soon?”
“Absolutely.” Dorcas assures.
〚*〛
Regulus lays on the bed, a bag of chips in his hand. Barty is leaning against the wall, watching as Regulus lays his head on Barty’s thigh.
“James and I are fighting.” He says, taking a bite, “I think he wants people to know about us.”
“Why?” Barty says, “That’s stupid.”
“I know it is.” Regulus sighs, “That’s what I told him. And then he asked me if I knew we were dating. Like I wasn’t aware.”
Barty stops himself from running his hands through Regulus’ hair. He’d hate that. Instead he eats his lunch and speaks, “James really likes you, though, maybe he is just having a day.”
“Maybe.” Regulus chews, “He got my father into a clinical trial, to try and get rid of Alzheimer’s.”
“Orion?” Barty looks down at him, “He–really?”
“Yeah,” Regulus nods, “Don’t tell anybody.”
Barty shakes his head, “No. I won’t.”
“I think I am losing it. Like all of the terrible things just line up, one after the other.” He sighs, “As soon as I get off work I’m going to go get drunk.”
He smiles, “I’ll go with you. Sounds like a perfect evening.”
“Great.”
Regulus gets paged, he leans forward to check it before dropping his head back on Barty’s leg.
“Fuck.”
“Have fun with that.” Barty says, watching Regulus sit up as Evan nears them, his tray in hand.
“Hey, Regulus.” He says, watching him pass bye, only murmuring a hello back. Evan looks at Barty, tilting his head, “He has a boyfriend.”
Barty rolls his eyes, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t do something stupid, Barty.” Evan sits next to him, “You’ll regret it. And you know he doesn’t reciprocate.”
“I’m not doing anything. Regulus and I are just friends.”
“That’s your problem.”
〚*〛
Regulus watches his patient start to die. She’s on hospice, of course, he knew it was going to happen.
Her family is here, a lot of them. Friends too.
All of these people are here, watching as she slips away.
Regulus can’t take it.
His father is going to have none of that. Maybe Regulus. Maybe Sirius.
He won’t have his wife, or his cousins, or his siblings.
“Time of death: 12:42.” Regulus swallows so his voice doesn’t crack, stepping out of the room, and shutting the door.
He can’t hold it in much longer, darting to the nearest space he can find.
It’s a storage closet.
He is breathing rapidly, eyes stinging.
James opens the door, looking down at him. It seems like all the fighting from earlier disappears for a moment when James sits in front of Regulus.
“It’s okay,” he promises him.
Regulus can’t breathe, “I don’t. . . I can’t—I can’t.”
“You’re alright, Reg,” he says, patting a tear off of his eye. “Just tell me.”
He’s sobbing, letting his face fall into his knees, “I don’t want my father to die alone.”
James opens his mouth, “Just slow down, slow down, shh.” It’s not working very well, “Slow, deep breaths, Reg.” He stands up and grabs the paper bags they keep on hand, “Breathe into this.”
His hands are shaking when he lifts his head to bring it to his mouth.
“Just breathe, in and out. There you go.” The bag inflates and deflates when Regulus moves his left hand to his thigh, grabbing onto his skin hard.
James makes him hold his hand instead.
It takes a bit for Regulus to breathe normally again, slowly letting his head fall onto James’ shoulder, which is now no longer in front of him, but beside him.
James holds his body, resting his cheek on Regulus’ forehead. He drops the bag, sniffling. “Sorry, I’m fine.”
“Regulus,” James says, wiping another tear as Regulus moves to sit back up. “Are you alright?”
Regulus nods, gritting his teeth, “You can call your friend, tell them Orion is in.”
“Okay, Reg, just don’t leave right now.” James asks him.
Regulus stands up, “I have to go, I shouldn’t even—I’m sorry, James.”
“Regulus, stop.”
He leaves anyways, James fights the urge to punch the wall or start crying himself.
〚*〛
Dorcas feels Marlene’s arms wrap around her.
“Hi, Cas.”
“Cas?” She turns her head.
“Like Dorcas. Y’know, I wanted to give you a nickname because you call me Marls sometimes.”
“Only because all your friends call you that.” Dorcas says, watching the microwave beep.
She takes her pizza out.
Marlene backs away, jumping up to sit on the counter, “Nobody calls you Cas?”
“Just you.”
"Aw," Marlene blurts it out, “You should move in with me.”
“I should?”
“Why not?”
Dorcas shrugs, “What am I supposed to tell Regulus when he asks why I am moving out?”
Marlene thinks that is a dumb reason to say no, “Regulus probably doesn’t care that much, Dorcas.”
“Evan will.” She says, “He’s like my best friend.”
“Just think about it, okay?”
〚*〛
When Lily returns to her apartment, she makes sure to call Mary. She’s her patient, no other reason.
Mary answers, “Lily, why are you calling me?”
“How are you?”
“Doing just fine.” Mary says, “Uncomfortably pregnant, just fine.”
Lily nods, pouring herself a glass of wine, “Make sure you call me when you begin to have contractions, okay?”
“Yes, Lily, I will call you.” Mary sighs, “Is that it?”
“Yes, Mary,” she copies her, “that is it. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
〚*〛
After he gets off of work, Barty changes and sits at the bar by himself, drinking as he waits for Regulus.
He arrives at nine.
But it’s not until around ten-thirty that he starts losing hope. He sends a single text, trying not to look as pathetic as he feels right now.
Still want to get drunk, think I might head to the bar?
Evan pats his back and slides into the empty seat next to him.
Barty down his glass, “You don’t have to say it, I know, okay? I know I am an idiot.”
Evan orders a drink for himself, shaking his head, “You’re not an idiot, Barty.”
“I am. I sat here all night waiting for him and he never showed up. I knew he would do this. I knew it would happen.” He sighs, moving his hand to rest under his chin, “He loves James.”
“You’re going to find someone, Barty, you’ll be fine.”
Barty watches the bartender slide Evan his glass, “I just think some people don’t ever find anybody.”
“That won’t be you.”
“Yeah,” Barty scoffs, laughing like it’s funny, “it’s me now.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” Evan tells him, “You could be vulnerable and spend at least more than one night with a person.”
Barty shakes his head, “I just hate it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s so fun until it’s not. I hate waking up and realizing I have nothing in common with a person.” He explains.
“Is that why you like Regulus?” Evan asks, “Because he’s your best friend and you know that you can talk to him?”
Barty looks straight at Evan, “I need someone new to obsess over.”
“You’re ignoring my question.”
“Because I don’t want to answer it, Evan.”
Evan makes a face, halfway done with his drink, “You could just not be with anyone, try independence.”
“Like you?” Barty makes a face, “I like sex, I’d rather it be meaningless than be lonely.”
“Don’t you think the reason why you feel lonely right now is because you’re having meaningless sex?”
“I’m not lonely.”
“You’re sitting by yourself because you got ditched, Barty.”
“You’re here.”
“Well, I’m leaving.” Evan finishes his drink, Barty chasing him out the door.
“Are you mad at me or something?”
Evan shakes his head, “I came here because I knew you were hurting and you basically called me a loser because I don’t bring strangers home every fucking night.”
Barty is stuffing his coat on, zipping it up as they walk towards Evan’s car. When Evan opens the door, Barty shuts it, halfway in front of him.
“I’ve been here for you and you take it out on me like it’s my fault Regulus doesn’t like you.” Evan snaps. Barty has never seen him so mad, “I’m sick of this. Just grow up and get over the fact that you don’t win this time! James won. Regulus loves James. That’s it.”
Barty stares at him, “Glad I confided in you just so you could throw it back in my face, Rosier.”
Barty pushes past him.
“Don’t you need a ride home?”
“I’ll call a car.”
“Good.” Evan pulls away, car headlights on.
〚*〛
Regulus is sitting in the corner of his room, writing in his journal when the door opens and James walks in.
He slams the green notebook shut, looking over at James.
He had given up on James coming to see him.
Regulus really should know better by now.
James doesn't give up on anyone.
“What are you doing here?”
“I want to talk.” He says, dropping his bag on the ground, gently. His laptop is in there, “But before we do I wanted to tell you that next week, there is going to be someone at the hospital for your father. Tomorrow, you and Sirius need to get blood drawn.”
“Okay.”
“Right, so. . . can we talk?” James asks.
Regulus shrugs, shoving the notebook on the windowsill as he sits on the edge of the bed, “Yeah, sure.”
James doesn’t know what to say at first, even though he spent the entire car ride convincing himself this was a good idea.
“Regulus?”
“What?”
He doesn’t mean to be so blunt but it comes out this way, “Do you love me?”
“James-”
“I just, I need you to tell me. Even if it’s not something I want to hear. Because I’ve done this before, I know I fall in love fast, I know it’s not normal. But if you don’t feel this way, if you won’t, then you have to tell me because I’m so all in on you that I would do anything for you, Regulus, including letting you hurt me if that is what you end up doing. But if you don’t want me for real, if this is just fun for you, then you have to tell me. Please.” He isn't done, "Because I've never felt like this before and I'm absolutely terrified that it's not going to work out and I won't ever recover, so if this isn't---I won't be mad at you if you feel differently I just need to know the truth. Do you love me?"
Regulus stares at him, he just stands up, “James, I-I. . .fuck.”
He can’t say it.
His mouth won’t produce the words.
Regulus feels it. He thinks he does. But he can’t tell him. He’s trying but he can’t.
“I do.”
James is shaking his head, “You can’t even say it.”
He’s got tears in his eyes, “Just don’t leave, okay? I do.”
“You’re always leaving me and coming back, Regulus, I can’t, it’s messing with my head.” James points to himself, choking up. "Every time you're gone I have to try not to hate myself and I can't keep doing this."
Regulus grabs James’ face, “I’m right here, we’re fine.” He kisses him, “We’re fine, James, we’re fine.”
James steps back, “I think I need to take a step back. I’m so in love with you and you’re not quite there yet, which is okay, Reg, it’s totally okay. It’s not your fault, it’s mine because I move so fast, so I just need a little bit.”
“I don’t understand, are you breaking up with me?” He asks, stepping back from James.
“I don’t know,” James picks up his bag. This did not go how it was supposed to. “I don’t know, just, I’ll come find you, okay?”
Regulus doesn’t know what to say, he watches James walk out of his room and he locks the door behind him.
He doesn’t understand.
It can’t just stop.
How did it end?
Nothing makes sense.
It cannot be over like this.
〚*〛
James doesn’t even think about it. He feels like he blacked out and just ended up there, at Sirius’ house.
Banging on the front door at damn near midnight.
Sirius opens it up, taking one long look at his best friend.
“Oh, James.”
James, his whole life, has been the person to come to if you need to talk something out, if you need a shoulder to cry, if you need absolutely anything at all.
Now, he’s here, letting Sirius—one of maybe three people in the world who have ever seen him cry, besides his parents, of course—take care of him.
Sirius watches James all but fall onto the couch, “I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“I know,” Sirius says, worried about his brother. Surely, Barty is there for him now. “Regulus is a hard person to love. You’ve got to have thick skin.”
But that isn’t even true.
James loved Regulus like he was breathing. It came almost naturally to him. There was no question about it.
Maybe it was the other way around.
Maybe James is the one that’s hard to love.
Always too much, too loud, too immediate.
Maybe after all this time, it’s him.
“I just want him to love me back.” James says, curling up on Sirius’ couch. “I don’t know why this always happens.”