Heartburn
- Wafia
She found James first, sitting on a bench that had once been where he and Louis would plan their latest pranks on Slytherin house. When she approached him, his eyes lifted to hers before they dropped to the ground again, the sadness swimming there was more than visible. In fact, it radiated off him in waves that crashed over Amie and made her feel as though she was drowning herself.
"Jay?" She approached him tentatively, wary of the reports of his anger, "What's going on? You never fight with the others..."
"Yeah, well." He interrupted her with nothing, running his fingers through his unruly dark hair, gently tugging on the ends as though he wanted to rip them from his head.
James rarely got like this. Ignoring the times that he was sad, James was usually only ever in a playful mood, or a calm one - always positive. He was like sunshine on a previously rainy day, a sign of hope or at least happiness. Anger was an emotion he used to be quick to, back before his parents had realised their mistake in giving him whatever he wanted and quickly rectified his behaviour.
"What happened?"
"Sirius is being a git," He mumbled, before something seemed to overtake him and he sat up, suddenly more energised and riled up than before, "He won't even admit that what he did was wrong! When there were so many other - better - options that he could have chosen. His judgement is just so bloody clouded and it gets in the way all the damn time! This would never have happened if it weren't for him, none of it."
"It takes two to argue," Amie reminded him, tilting her head to the side slightly, "Or three, in your case. What the bloody hell happened?"
"You would know, you slept in his bloody bed last night." James commented snidely, and Amie's mouth fell open marginally under the weight of his words.
"I didn't mean that," James sighed, dropping his head down exhaustedly and covering his face with his hands, "Moony woke up and saw you in Sirius' bed. And even though Pads was sleeping on the floor, he got really angry. And then I got angry because, well, what the hell was my little sister doing in my best friend's bed? And Pads got angry at us for getting angry, and I was angry at Moony because he was acting like it affected him in some way, and then it all just blew up."
Amie sat silently. Only once before had the boys been so divided. Two years ago, after an incident that nobody ever spoke of but everybody knew had been Sirius' fault. Remus and Peter had stuck together, James hovered between the partition before landing with the other two, and Sirius was ousted for a long time. Amie had never been privy to the information of what had happened, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know now that everything was smoothed out again.
But now this misunderstanding threatened to create another crack, and it would be because of her this time.
"He tried to say something about, I don't know, watching the stars..." James leaned back on the bench, his hands settling between his open legs, "And you fell asleep. Obviously he doesn't know what to do to get into your common room, so he took you to ours. In the heat of the moment I thought it was crap, but now it sounds like something that would happen."
Amie remembered now. The conversation with Sirius, his fingers constantly pointing out other stars and constellations for her to see, his head rested against her shoulder. She must have fallen asleep in the midst of it all, which was strange, because Amie really hadn't been sleeping lately. It took a lot to shut her brain down, and it seemed that whatever Sirius had done had worked.
"It did." Amie nodded her head as James looked across at her, "You need to go and apologise."
"What?"
"James. You accused him of, what, trying to sleep with me? When all he was doing was being a good friend and not leaving me out on the grass or waking me up when he knows I wouldn't get back to sleep." Amie gave him one last look before standing up from the bench and giving James the alone time that she knew he wanted.
While James was loyal to a fault, he was also very stubborn, arrogant and prideful. He never wanted to admit that he was wrong, and he hated apologising first in arguments. He was going to need time to pull himself together for it. She hoped he would suck it up, though, because James and Sirius were like brothers in every sense of the word but blood, and they were undoubtedly happier together.
She didn't bother trying to find Remus or Sirius - those two were the best at hiding when they wanted to be alone; Remus disappearing completely, and Sirius somehow knowing every secret corridor and passageway in the school. They would appear when they wanted to, and then she could smooth everything out with them, too.
[***]
Lunch ran past but the boys hadn't made up yet. Amie was beginning to wonder if something more had happened than just her sleeping in Sirius' bed. Usually the boys made up quicker than anything when they fought (well, usually they didn't fight), but it seemed that they were a bit more reluctant to become friends again this time for some reason.
"What's going on with you?" Dorcas asked as she slid into the bench opposite Amie, her fingers waving in front of Amie's eyes.
"What?"
"What are you looking at..." Olivia leaned over Amie, looking at the spot where her friend was looking, her eyes widening slightly in recognition as she sat back down where she was sat previously.
Remus, James, and Sirius and Peter were all separated, with each of them taking a small section of the table - and their housemates - for themselves. James had decided to annoy Lily for dinner, Remus was sat opposite Alice Fortescue, the two of them pouring over a book, and Sirius and Peter were sat alone together. It didn't even look like they were talking.
"You know... Having three guys fight over you could be a good thing, if you wanted it to be." Daphne shuffled her eyebrows suggestively, and Amie swatted at her across the table as Will and Olivia laughed.
"Ew. One of them is like my brother."
"I mean the other two." Daphne waved away Amie's concern, shoving a piece of chicken into her mouth.
"They are fighting over you." Will pitched in to the conversation, swirling his fork in an exaggerated manner, "I heard them by the forest."
"What were they doing by the forest?"
"What did they say?" Olivia questioned at the same time as Amie wondered.
"One of them said something about respect, and then another one started shouting about hypocrisy. Seemed like a very heated argument." He informed them matter-of-factly, and Amie dropped her head into her hands. Everything was spiralling out of control.
"I can't handle this anymore." Daphne groaned as she pushed herself up from the table. She beelined for Dorcas, whispering something in her ear before making her way back to where she had been sitting previously.
It took roughly three seconds for Dorcas to put her knife and fork down and travel across the hall towards where Lily, Marlene and a few other girls were sat at the Gryffindor table. James got up when Dorcas approached, excusing himself and leaving the hall.
"What the hell is she doing?" Amie whispered, her fork clattering to her plate loudly as she went to stand up herself, Daphne's hand on her arm stopping her from doing so.
"Just let her do her thing."
And so Amie watched as Dorcas chatted to the girls at the Gryffindor table, involving herself where there was no involvement, and she held her breath as she waited for everything to explode. Well, explode more than they had already, if that was even possible.
The four ate the rest of their dinner in silence, Amie's eyes rarely leaving the Gryffindor table, and Daphne, Olivia, and Will communicating in less than words. Amie picked at the skin around her nails, but every time she made to bring a nail to her mouth, Will would tug it back down into her lap.
Daphne went to join Dorcas at the Gryffindor table which left Amie to walk to the dorms with Will and Olivia, talking and laughing through the hallways as they approached their common room. As they reached the entrance, however, there was a figure leaning on the wall outside of the stack of barrels, and Will glanced back at Amie when he recognised the face, wanting to gauge her reaction in case he had to send Sirius away.
"Ames." As soon as the Gryffindor boy saw her light brown hair, he pushed himself off of the wall and started towards her, only stopping when both Will and Olivia sent him harsh glares. He swallowed.
"Guys, it's okay. You go ahead, I'll be in soon." She promised, and the two glanced at each other warily before moving past Sirius and into the barrels.
Olivia glanced back at Amie, and Amie sent her a reassuring smile before she disappeared in the tunnel and Amie was left with Sirius, an awkward silence falling across the two of them as neither knew what to say.
"I just wanted you to, uh, know that I did sleep on the floor. I-I didn't...I wouldn't-"
"I know," Amie interrupted him, her fingers fiddling together in front of her. She suddenly felt small, like something had shifted in the time between yesterday and now and she hadn't been aware of it, "I'm sorry about everything that happened between you guys."
"I just want you to understand that I didn't do anything... Weird, or anything. I just didn't think you'd want to get your jumper creased and I didn't really think about the implications of taking your clothes off until everyone got angry at me, and I..."
"Sirius, it's okay. I know that it came from a good place." Amie interrupted.
"I didn't know it would cause this much to happen," Sirius sighed, running a hand through his black curls, "But it's not your fault. Moony called me selfish, and said that I had no respect, and... I just said a lot of hurtful things because I was hurt. I'm sorry that it got this far, and that we're fighting over you without even asking what you thought. Typical, isn't it?"
"Are you okay?" Amie already knew the answer based off of the small tears gathered in Sirius' eyes, and the way his face scrunched at the question as if he were trying not to cry right there.
"Mm-hmm." Sirius nodded deftly, his hair falling into his face messily, single strands falling into his eyes and sticking to his wet lips.
"Do you want a hug?" She asked with a swift, small smile.
"Mm-hmm." His arms outstretched, and Amie fell into them, her arms melding around his torso and holding him steadily. The embrace alone seemed to jerk tears from Sirius' eyes; Amie could feel them on her t-shirt, soaking through to her skin as Sirius' arms snaked around her waist, his fingers holding her to him tightly.
It wasn't their first hug, but it was definitely the first time they had ever been this close. It felt as though they were closer than ever, huddled in the end of the corridor in front of the Hufflepuff common room barrels, and Amie could hear Sirius' heavy, shaky breathing in her ear as he clung to her. It was something different, and it did nothing to stop her growing crush.
"I'm really sorry." She whispered, making Sirius pull away and meet her blue eyes. His hands moved up her body to rest on her shoulders, holding her tightly.
"It wasn't your fault. It's not your fault that Remus is better at reading emotions than I thought he was." It seemed that something had slipped off of Sirius' tongue before he had the chance to catch it, and Amie's eyebrows furrowed softly as she continued to stare into Sirius' grey eyes.
"What are you talking about? What emotions?"
"Nothing, don't worry about it." Sirius shook the matter off, his hands leaving Amie's body as he stepped away.
"Hey. You can talk to me."
"No, it's-"
"Sirius, talk to me." She demanded this time.
"Remus wasn't angry because you slept in my bed!" Sirius snapped, his hands flourishing at his sides before they curled into fists, "He was angry because he knew I liked you and he thought it wasn't right! Because my best friend sees you as a sister."
Amie took a slight, staggering step back with the power of his words, and there was silence before a set of footsteps approached from behind Amie. She turned around, managing to tear her eyes away from the boy in front of her as Daphne walked into her view, linking her arm around Amie's and narrowing her eyes slightly at Sirius.
"Whatever you just said, we're going." She tore Amie past the seventh-year, tapping on the barrel the correct number of times. Amie just followed along, still too shocked to even think about moving of her own accord.
Sirius liked her. Sirius liked her.
If her feet touched the ground at any point between the common room and her bed, she didn't register it.
[***]
Breakfast the next day was more awkward than anything Amie had ever experienced. Sirius kept almost getting up from his seat, only to solemnly sit back down and poke at his food again with his fork, his eyes occasionally drifting up to stare at the back of Amie's head at the Hufflepuff table.
The rest of the day was the same. The Marauders were still separated, and whenever she would see Sirius or Remus, they would both avoid her at all costs. James would maybe smile, perhaps talk a bit, but even he was too caught up in everything that had happened to pay any proper attention to Amie. Peter was the only Marauder left that could and would hold a conversation with her, and though his comments on herbology were interesting, Amie missed the other three.
After what Sirius had said the night before, Amie had felt a weird pit in her stomach, like butterflies but a lot more intense, and it was constantly there, eating away at her until it was all that she felt. A nagging feeling that tugged on her bones and made her skin feel heavy. She wanted nothing more than to speak to Sirius, to tell him how she was feeling, to get his help and his advice since he was always good at giving it out, but it seemed that he was avoiding her like the plague.
"Are you gonna eat anything?" Olivia asked, concern lacing her voice as she looked down at Amie's full plate, everything that Daphne had piled on there had been left uneaten, and the end of dinner was drawing near.
"No. I feel sick." Amie groaned, her hands running down the expanse of her stomach, rubbing the flesh there as if it would quell the ache.
"You want to go back early?" Daphne glanced to the open doors, where people milled in and out, skipping dessert or only just getting in. Amie nodded her head, but when she saw Olivia's crestfallen face she stood up, holding her hands out in a gesture to tell the other two to stay seated.
"I'll go. You two stay. I'll, uh, see you in a bit." She stepped away from the table, smiling warmly at her friends before scurrying from the hall, feeling the strange butterflies in her stomach again.
It was scary, terrifying even, an unknown feeling that was poking her ribs as she walked to the moving staircases, her mind completely zoned out, focused certainly on the new feeling.
Dorcas had told her yesterday about what Lily had told her at the lunch table, and it had just made everything that Sirius spoke about even worse. The boys now weren't speaking to each other, not because of Amie sleeping in Sirius' bed, but because Remus had told James about how Sirius felt about her, and James had gotten more than angry at his friend. Dorcas couldn't say for certain, but apparently Lily said she heard a punch be thrown. Either James to Sirius or Sirius to Remus - and Amie hadn't seen the latter at any meals.
She needed the outdoors air to calm her down. Already she could feel the urges kicking in, and it put her even more on edge, being constantly scared that she would transform in the middle of class, or in the middle of the Great Hall. How many people would call her a freak if they knew her secret? Amie knew that her friends were understanding, but she also knew that she had gotten lucky with them.
A thought stopped her footsteps in the middle of the empty courtyard: if Sirius really did like her back, could she even date him?
Amie had never really thought about it.
Her mother had only been nineteen when she had Renee, and then twenty-three when she gave birth to Ted, and then twenty-five for Louis and twenty-eight for Amie herself. Her mother was coming up to forty-five years old, the curse should have taken her long ago, now it was just catching her up, riddling her with sickness before she began to transform. And she would never change back.
Plus, there was the issue of James, and he wasn't easily dismissed.
"What are you doing out here?" Amie turned around at the sound of a voice a few paces behind her, and she smiled slightly when she realised that it was Remus, "You realise that there's still food to eat, right? It's not like you to leave any meal early."
"Are you calling me fat, Remus Lupin?" Amie joked as she turned back to look at the steady sunset, the beautiful colours reflecting back onto her and creating an almost ethereal glow.
"Never. I like food as much as the next guy." Is all he said as he came to stand next to her, shoulder brushing hers as both of them stared up at the sky.
Something about Amie, whether it was because she was his best friend's 'sister', or because she always seemed to find herself getting into trouble, made Remus felt strangely protective over her. He wanted her to be protected from the likes of Sirius, who he was sure would only use Amie for a good night or two and then break her heart. She didn't deserve that. She deserved so, so much more.
"Can I ask you a question?" She asked, looking up at Remus as his eyes shifted to peer down at her, and he nodded gently before she broke the eye contact and stared back out at the Hogwarts grounds. "Do you want kids? In the future, I mean."
It seemed like such a stupid question as soon as it left her lips - the boy was seventeen, what seventeen year old thought about having kids? But she figured if any of them would have, it would be Remus. But he didn't laugh, he didn't ask her where the query had come from, he simply considered for a moment before answering.
"No. No, I wouldn't do that to a child." Remus had momentarily forgotten who he was speaking to, but that didn't change his answer. In fact, it only made it more true.
He didn't want to tell Amie about his problem, because he had found enough people who were accepting of it. Who knew, the next person he told could try to stab him with silver and call it a day; he was running out of luck. Amie's eyes snapped to his, concern swimming in her pupils.
"You don't think you'd be a good parent?"
"Come on, I'd be a terrible parent," Remus tried to laugh it off, but it just came out as a sort of grimace.
He had wanted kids before the reality of his situation had sunk in, but now it was a dream in some faraway land where the only hardship in his life was getting detention for the stupid pranks that James and Sirius liked to play.
"I can't deal with a screaming child, and I can't change a diaper, and there would probably be about fifty health and safety hazards around my house because I don't clean."
"That's why there's usually two parents." Amie commented slightly sarcastically, revelling in the smile that it brought to Remus' face.
"What about you?"
"Oh, no. I wouldn't ever have kids." The possibility of her child being a girl was (theoretically) fifty percent, which meant a fifty percent chance that she would pass down her condition to her child, since it was almost a one-hundred percent chance that every girl born from a mother with the curse acquired the curse herself. It wasn't a risk that she was willing to take.
"Why not? You seem like you would be a great mum."
"I don't know," She shrugged, "My brothers can have all the grandchildren. I'll be the cool aunt."
Silence followed, and Amie realised that Remus was the only one that she hadn't spoken to about their big fight, the only Marauder who hadn't told her his side, or tried to defend himself and what he had done. Sure, she had sought James out, but he almost immediately tried to justify what he had done, and Sirius...
But Remus hadn't. Either he was sure that what he did was so right that he didn't need anybody else's approval, or he knew that he was wrong, and he didn't want somebody to see his side, because not even he believed in it.
"What happened yesterday?" She asked, and Remus sighed deeply, his hands pushing into his trouser pockets defeatedly.
"Nothing. It was nothing."
"If it was nothing, you would still be in the hall with the others," Amie challenged, and Remus rolled his eyes as he looked down at her and she looked up at him, "And you're not, you're out here with me. So, what happened?"
"You're my best friend's sister, I thought that Sirius had..."
Amie crossed her arms over her chest. What was with James and his friends thinking that they had any power over whatever she did? A part of her wished that something had happened with Sirius. Then at least she would have gotten something out of the argument, and the boys would actually be fighting for a reason. Instead, they were just a bunch of boys arguing over what a girl did.
"Had what? He was sleeping on the floor. And, by the way, who do you guys think I am? Sirius is the only one who has actually apologised, and he's the only one who did absolutely nothing to me. Why couldn't you have just apologised as soon as you realised that you were wrong?"
"But he-"
"What exactly did he do? Would you have felt better if he just left me out on the grass, or on the floor outside of my common room, or maybe if I had slept on the floor and he slept on his bed? Would you have preferred that?"
"Well, no. But-"
"But what, Remus?" Amie sighed, shoulders drooping as she realised that she would never be able to get a good enough answer from the boy, "You're a joke."
She trod past him and back up to the castle, keeping her head down. Amie didn't really know what she had been expecting - neither James nor Remus thought that they did anything truly wrong, and nothing she nor anybody else said would make them feel otherwise. She just wished that, for once, they wouldn't treat her like she was off limits for anybody to even think about, for once they would listen to her and do what she wanted.
And if she was being honest with herself, what she wanted had been abundantly obvious all along, walking with her to her lessons, sitting with her in the Gryffindor common room when she was bored, laying on the grass and showing her the stars that he and his family were named after.
Ever since she first saw him and laughed at his stupid joke, Amie had wanted Sirius to look at her the way he did all of his other girlfriends, and yet he never returned her feelings. Until the day that he did, and she had been whisked away before she could say anything.
"Amie. Hey!"