hogwarts
As soon as he reached the dorm breathing heavily he dropped his trunk and flopped onto his bed drawing the curtains. Just staring at the ceiling mind racing at 300 miles an hour, thoughts swirling the look James and Remus gave him it looked like curiosity mixed with concern he should have never let regulus carry his trunk.
oh god they'll think I'm pathetic letting my younger brother carry my trunk
why did they look concerned
they didn't look concerned you have just convinced yourself they actually are
they hate you why would they be concerned
they were just concerned that you were taking advantage of regulus now
they hate you
they hate you
james hates you
james hates you
james hates you
james hates you
remus hates you
he hates you
he will always hate you
His thoughts were disturbed by his name being called James.
Reached under his pillow where he kept his mirror and his bag of razors he pulled out the mirror to check if the glamour he had applied earlier, thankfully it was still in place but he reapplied it for safety measures.
He lay back down and shut his eyes pretending he was asleep, he felt light stream he knew James had pulled back his curtain.
Suddenly he felt a yank on his broken arm he flinched backwards falling off the bed.
"ow, what the fuck" he said pushing himself off the floor and back on his bed James was staring at him like he had just seen a ghost and Remus was sat on his bed staring at him concern filling his eyes, and of course Peter stood there awkward as ever mouth wide open, he must have realised it was open because he immediately shut it.
James was the first to speak "how the actual fuck did you fall off the bed" Sirius shrugged
He was cradling his broken arm
"anyway uhh... we were just wanting to see if you were okay because you didn't show up to the great hall and you seemed a bit off.. so yeah" he seemed awkward almost as if he was asking permission to talk to Sirius it was weird he didn't like this awkwardness "yeah I'm all good just needed some sleep didn't get much" it was mostly the truth but the full truth would have been he couldn't face the great hall and he wouldn't have been able to have more than 3 bites of food before wanting to throw it up but he didn't tell them that.
It was Remus who spoke next "you didn't respond to any of our letters"
they sent letters why would they send letters
they hate you
why
"I didn't get them ... sorry" the sorry was a bit of an after thought he didn't really know what or how to speak to any of them anymore it was weird conversation had always had always come so naturally between them all it was odd being awkward around them.
"well we'll just tell you the summary of what the letters said, now don't think that we have completely forgiven you yet because we haven't, but I don't I could go another week without my best friend"
James still thought of him as his best friend
I thought he hated me
"Okay umm... I think that's it uhh night I guess" and they all just walked to their own beds doing different things
Sirius drew his curtains once again casting a muffalo charm.
Why was snape here
why can't I move
why is he taking off his clothes
no
no
no
no
no
no
Help
no please stop
Sirius woke up sweat covering him, hair plastered to his face.
He reached under his pillow and the bandages that he kept there.
He opened his curtains, tiptoeing to the bathroom trying not to wake anyone up. When he got to the bathroom he locked it just to make sure, then he got out his razor hastily and pulled up his sleeves.
He drew the razor across his skin making deep cuts.
He had made about 8 or 9 cuts when someone knocked on the door.
"fucking hell, I need a piss hurry up" James whisper shouted panic set in.
Sirius put his bloody razor back in the bag of them, grabbed the bandages and started wrapping his arms.
He looked in the mirror and reapplied the glamour charm, he opened the door to find James sitting on the floor head against the wall nearly falling asleep.
"What the bloody hell were you doing in there been in there for like half an hour" half an hour no way how was I in there for so long "nothing mate I didn't even know I was in there for so long"
James went into the bathroom and Sirius went back to his bed drawing the curtain Once again and recasting the muffalo charm.