Life Behind

September 1st, 1995

“You have everything you need? Everything packed?” Hermione asked as they all sat for breakfast. She smiled at Molly as she placed a large platter down. Their relationship seemed to have repaired since the boggart incident last night.

“Yep!” Ginny grinned at her, “Thank you for all of your help, Hestia!” Helping them all pack had kept her busy, but it brought back a deep, painful nostalgia she wasn’t prepared for. Especially watching her younger self prepare for the year. She would never again be that care-free. Unscarred. The Hermione she watched fret about back and books and OWLs and how her prefect badge looked was a Hermione she would never be again.

She felt so lost now. It seemed as if these scars had never been healed. They throbbed painfully as she thought about them, even though they didn’t exist on this body. She would never be unmarked again. She would never unsee the deaths of everyone she loved, even if they lived now.

“Hey,” Remus murmured over the din of the kitchen. He placed a hand on her knee and she jumped, turning to look at him. “Where’d you go?”

“I’m okay,” She shook her head lightly to try and come back to herself. “Worried.”

“They’ll be okay. You’ve prepared them as best you could.”

She nodded. They had spoken to the kids about Umbridge last night before dinner and separately with Harry for a long time. She hoped he would be able to keep his temper in check. She so desperately wanted to have Umbridge removed from the school, but couldn’t think of a way with Fudge and Dumbledore at odds. They needed Dumbledore to keep control of the school for as long as possible. If there was a fight about Umbridge, he would probably be removed. At least, that was the reasoning Remus used to convince her not to show up and hex the woman in the Great Hall.

People on the platform stared openly at Harry and Sirius. Whispers, pointed fingers, scowls followed them as they walked through the crowd. 

“Ignore them,” Hermione murmured, steering them towards the train. Mrs Weasley fussed over the kids as they boarded the train. Hermione was pleasantly surprised when Harry threw his arms around her in a hug. 

“Oh-” She exclaimed before holding him tight.

“Thank you,” Harry whispered, his voice catching. “Sirius told me this was all because of you. So thank you.” He pulled away, looking up at her with glimmering eyes. She placed a kiss on his forehead, smiling down at him.

“Have a good start of term, Harry. Sirius, Remus, and I will be at your first Quidditch match.” Hermione grinned down at him. 

“Thanks, Hestia!” Harry turned away from her and towards Sirius. Hermione moved away to give them some privacy as they said goodbye. Remus was waiting for her next to Tonks and she smiled knowingly at him. The whistle blew and the kids boarded the train, faces grinning, hands waving. Harry looked sad as he waved back at all of them. Hermione knew he would miss them, and fuck would they miss him. Remus turned back to look at her and their eyes lock. His are bright silver with emotion. Greyback’s eyes. Hermione lurched backward, throwing herself into Sirius.

“H-what-” He caught her and held tight as she tried to scramble away in panic. Rasping, ragged breaths fill her chest, a far cry from last night’s gasping. 

“Oh fuck,” Sirius swore as the train rounded the corner. “Panic attack?” He whispered. Hermione nodded, trying to get further from Remus and his bright eyes as he looked on in concern. She spun around to face Sirius and he grabbed her shoulders tightly. 

“What’s going on?” Moody asked gruffly. Sirius stared down at her and she shook her head. She couldn’t stay here in this place. Not with those eyes. 

“Hestia needs to go home,” Sirius said to Moody, “I’ll take her. Everyone should walk back,” Sirius left before anyone could say anything, steering them towards the Apparition Point. Sirius pulled her to him and with a gasp, she was pulled side along to the front steps of Grimmauld Place. He immediately unlocked the door and pushed her inside. 

She tried to quell the terror that filled her chest. “Sirius,” she moaned, leaning her head on his shoulder as he scooped her up and took her to the warded drawing room. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Sirius whispered as he walked inside, shutting, locking, and silencing the room, wandlessly. He sat her on the sofa and she immediately curled in on herself, eyes streaming. Sirius sat down in front of her. 

“What is it? What happened?” He asked her gently, eyes searching her face.

“Remus-” Hermione gasped out, “His eyes-” She stopped, she couldn’t continue. Breath wouldn’t fill her lungs, the trembling wouldn’t stop. Realization dawned on Sirius’ face and he swore. 

“His eyes looked like Greyback’s, didn’t they?” Hermione nodded, sucking in a gasping breath. “Shhh, you’re okay. He’s not Greyback. You’re safe.”

“I-I know-” Hermione sobbed, “I’m just so-” She forced herself to suck in a slow, shaking breath. “I’m so scared.” Hermione reached for Sirius and he pulled her into his arms without hesitation. This was the place she felt the safest, the most cared for. The trembling continues for several minutes, but Sirius held her tight. 

With a sniff, Hermione nuzzled into Sirius’ chest. 

“His eyes have been silver before…” Hermione murmured, “Especially when he’s excited.” She smiled into his chest. 

“Oh, I know,” Sirius chuckled. 

“But they’ve never looked like that…” Hermione whispered. “They looked exactly like… his… exactly.”

Sirius sighed, “I suppose that makes sense because he bit Remus.”

“I know… but I don’t want to be afraid of Remus. I’m not afraid of Remus. But if his eyes look like that…” A shudder ran through her and Sirius’ arms tightened automatically around her.

“You should tell him.”

Hermione opened her mouth to protest and closed it again. She sighed after a long moment, “You’re right… Will you be here with me?”

“Of course, love,” He smiled down at her. Her heart swelled. Her Sirius. Her brave, grinning Sirius. “In fact, he’s probably right outside the door. Want me to check?” Hermione nodded and slipped off his lap. 

Remus was waiting outside the door. He stepped in, concern written all over his face. His eyes were frantic but mercifully green. 

“Hermione-”

“Wait,” She whispered, holding her hand up. She pulled out her polyjuice antidote and downed it, becoming herself again. Her hand fell and Remus sat in front of her on the floor. 

“What happened?”

“Oh, Remus…” Hermione placed her hand on his cheek, fingers running over his stubble. 

“Hermione, what is going on?”

“I-” Her frantic eyes met Sirius’ and he nodded at her encouragingly. 

“Well,” Hermione paused. This information would hurt Remus deeply. “I told you… I was raped by a Death Eater.” Remus flinched and nodded, “But… I didn’t tell you,” She sucked in a shaking breath, “It was Fenrir Greyback.”

“What?!” Remus’ eyes brightened and pupils narrowed. Hermione gasped and lurched backward, banging her head against the armrest of the couch. Remus’ chest rose and fell rapidly, his eyes shining brightly in the dark room. 

“Sirius,” Hermione whimpered, scooting back further still. 

“Moony, mate, you’ve got to calm down,” Sirius knelt in front of Remus, blocking him from view. Hermione backed herself against the wall, trembling as Sirius tried to talk Remus down. 

“I am going to kill him,” Remus snarled. 

“Remus!” Sirius was yelling now, “You have to calm down! You’re frightening Hermione! You will kill him, I promise you that. We will make that happen for you, but you have to put Moony in check. I know he cares about Hermione too. Pull it together.”

“Remus, please,” Hermione whispered from across the room. She had pulled her knees to her chest, burying her face in them, hiding from the world. 

At her voice, Remus let out a groan.

“Breathe, mate,” Sirius murmured. Several moments passed. Hermione didn’t dare look up. When had she become so fragile? So weak? A pair of eyes sent her spiraling. Eyes that she loved. A man that she loved. What would she do if she ever saw that werewolf again?

“You can look now, Mione, it’s okay,” Sirius called to her.

“I’m in control,” Remus muttered. She looked up. It was too dark to see his green eyes, but she knew that they were there. 

“I didn’t want to tell you,” Hermione insisted, “I knew you’d be hurt-”

“Hurt?” Remus exclaimed, “Hermione, I’m only hurt because he hurt you.” Remus covered his face with his hands. “And he- he made me what I am…”

“No!” Hermione crawled to sit next to Sirius in front of him as he lowered his hands. “Who you are is not because of him. You’re beautiful. You’re kind, generous, you’re good. You’re a good man, Remus. He is none of those things, love.”

“But today at the station… you were scared…”

“Of your eyes…” Hermione whispered, “They…”

“Looked like his?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck-” Remus closed his eyes. 

“But you’re not him. My fear isn’t about you, I just-” Hermione stopped and looked at Sirius for help. She didn’t know how to make Remus understand. She didn’t really understand it herself.

“Listen, Moony, I know it’s hard knowing your eyes look like his, but both Hermione and I know you have nothing in common with him except that he happened to be the werewolf your dad pissed off.”

“I know you, Remus,” Hermione whispered. Remus covered his face again. 

“I-” Remus’ voice broke, “I don’t want you to be scared of me.”

“Oh love,” Hermione pulled his hand from his face and gathered him into her arms, “I’m not scared of you.” She stroked his hair gently. “Remus, I trust you more than I’ve trusted almost anyone else.” As she said it, she glanced at Sirius, the silent "except you"  hanging in the air between them. 

“But my eyes-” Remus pulled away.

Hermione frowned. “Yes, your eyes scare me. Though I don’t know if that’s the word. They… trigger me. They send me back there. And,” She put a hand on the side of his face and he pushed his cheek into it. “I don’t want to go there with you because you have such a beautiful soul, and our time together has been some of the best times of my life…” Hermione’s eyes flitted to Sirius again. “Even if we’re both meant for someone else, I am happier than I have been for the last 10 years. You’ve made me so happy and feel so safe and cared for. You’ve made me feel so loved. I’m just…” Hermione sat back, tears springing to her eyes. 

“Oh, love…” Remus took one of her hands and she reached the other out to Sirius, which he took swiftly. 

“I’m fractured,” She said softly, “And being here with you, with both of you, has helped me heal in ways I didn’t think possible, especially in such a short amount of time. I think sometimes I forget that I have these cracks, these fissures… and they reopen and I feel like it undoes all the healing I’ve done. But then you’re both here. And you stay. And I look at you and I know I’m going to be okay.

I know I’m not done healing by a longshot, none of us are, but I think my pieces get put back together a lot faster than they used to, even if they break again….

My past, the future, was an awful, dark place. I floated through life, trying to forget who I was. Trying to forget magic exists. But the two of you… you see me for who I am, even when I look like someone else. You help me be me. You see me. So even with all of my loss, my pain, I wouldn’t change anything. Because it means I am here with you. I love you both so much.” Hermione used the back of her hand that was still holding Sirius’ to wipe her cheeks. “I am willing to keep trying, Remus. I might… get triggered, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep what we have going. And you,” Hermione rounded on Sirius, “You silly man, When you’re ready to try, I will be here.”

“Hermione, you can’t-”

“Actually, I can. Don’t think for a moment you can tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“Too right,” Remus chuckled. 

“I will be here. Whenever that is.”

Sirius grumbled and Hermione laughed, setting them all off. 

“Come on, loves,” Hermione said, getting to her feet, still holding their hands. They stood together for a long moment, facing one another, grinning like idiots. 

“I-” Sirius took a deep shuddering breath, “I love you both so much.”

“I love you too, Pads,” Remus smiled, “And you, Hermione.”

“You already know how I feel about you,” Hermione pulled them both in for a hug, “My beautiful, wonderful boys.”