THIRTY
September 2nd, 1995
Stupid , ridiculous, brainwashing, fucking stupid bullshit-
“Sirius,” The stupid fucking shrink said softly, “We’ve been here almost twenty minutes and you haven’t said a word. Which is fine, but I think there are certainly cheaper ways to sit in silence.”
“Don’t worry, I can afford it,” Sirius snarled. The shrink chuckled. Sirius had forgotten his fucking name.
“I’m not worried about you being able to afford it.”
“Then what do you fucking care?” Sirius was so angry. Angry that he was here. Angry that Hermione had convinced him to come. Angry that he was angry.
“Well, you are paying me to care, for one. For two, I really think I could help you if you let me.”
“I don’t need your help!”
“Mmm, I can imagine you haven’t had any until recently. I listened to your trial on the wireless, you know, you had a lot of help then.”
Sirius thought of Hermione and softened slightly. “Yeah, I did.”
“How did that feel, to have people helping you?”
“I… I don’t know… different. I felt like a teenager.”
“Why did that make you feel like a teenager?” The shrink didn’t look down as he took notes.
Sirius took a deep breath, “I guess that’s when I received the most help. It was the first time I asked for help.”
“When was this?”
Sirius sighed, wincing, “My parents… they tried to force me to become a Death Eater. They… beat me. Hurt me. Bellatrix,” He snarled the name, “Tortured me within an inch of my life.”
“That must have been horrible.”
Sirius shrugged and didn’t say more.
“What happened after that?”
“They threw me on the street. I think they assumed I would die out there. But I didn’t. I managed to apparate to the Potters. Splinched, though.”
“This is Dorea and Charlus? James Potter’s parents?”
Sirius nodded, “They took me in when I was fifteen.”
“That must have been a very painful experience for you.”
He shrugged, “Physically, I suppose. Being tortured fucking hurt. But then I got to live with James. And they really were, for all intents and purposes, my parents.”
“They both died before you went to Azkaban, didn’t they?”
“Yes,” He said stiffly, flinching.
“What happened?”
Sirius glared at him,” I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Well… you’re here to talk about things. It doesn’t have to be that, but sitting here angry isn’t going to help you, and it certainly won’t help Harry.”
“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Fuckface has the audacity to sigh. “If you won’t work to get healthier, how can you expect Harry to? If you don’t work through your trauma and your past, do you think you can show up to help him when he’s in need?”
“I’m not... defective!”
“Sirius,” He said calmly, “I never said you were. But how can you expect to help him if you are not doing the best you can? You aren’t defective. But you aren’t working through the things you need to in a healthy and safe way and you want to set that example for Harry, right?”
Sirius didn’t say anything for a long time. “Of course I do.” His voice was softer than it had been since the meeting started.
“Then you need to start talking about things. Work through them. I know it doesn’t seem achievable, but it is possible. I won’t lie to you and say it will be easy, but it really is what is best for you and best for Harry. But you have to want it and you have to work.”
Sirius stared at him. It already didn’t seem easy. “I don’t remember your name.”
“That’s alright,” He smiled, “It’s Stephan.”
Sirius nodded, “Alright, Stephan. What’s next?”
September 7th, 1995
Dear Romulus, Snuffles, and Hearth,
This week has been pretty horrible without all of you. I’ve already got detention with Umbridge. I’m sorry. I know you told me to try not to, but you should have heard the horrible things she was saying. I couldn’t stop myself.
And the thing that happened this summer is happening again. It happened during detention with her.
Anyway, I miss you all. We’re all missing our biggest friend.
Please write back soon.
Best,
Harry
September 8th, 1995
“Well, you can’t speak with him!” Hermione shrieked. Remus smiled wryly as Sirius swore back at her.
“Padfoot-” Remus murmured.
“No! I need to speak to my son!” Sirius roared.
Hermione spit, “You can’t! I told you the fires are being watched by that demented cow!”
Sirius sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “The first Hogsmeade weekend isn’t until October. I just want to see him.” Hermione softened, the crackles of magic in her hair lessened.
“I know, I know you do. But we can’t risk it. Write to him but keep it brief and vague. We will see him in a month. Tell him to meet us then.” Hermione stared at Sirius while he seethed. He nodded, face red. “Sirius, I’m sorry…” Hemione muttered, “I don’t want anything to happen to you, or worse, to Harry.”
“You’re just looking out for us. I know.” Sirius said, a smile hinting at his lips.
Hermione rolled her eyes, “You do need looking after.”
Hermione woke up feeling wrong. Being in Remus' bed alone always felt wrong, but she missed him on these nights.
Dressing gown on, Hermione snuck to Sirius’ room, knocking and then entering. The room was empty. She sighed, hoping he was with Remus and made her way downstairs, expecting to find him halfway through a bottle and passed out on the kitchen table. What she came upon instead was Sirius kneeling by the fire, head shoved in.
“Well I better get going, I can hear Kreacher coming down the stairs. I’ll write to tell you a time I can make it back to the fire.”
And with that, Sirius pulled his head out, looking troubled.
Hermione cleared her throat, making him jump.
“Hermione-”
“Did you really think,” Hermione snarled, “You would get away with this? And you left Remus?!”
“Listen-”
“No! No, I will not listen. I told you Umbridge was watching the fires. I told you it was a bad idea!”
“But it was fine!” Sirius shot back.
Hermione laughed, though there was no humor in it, “Because you were lucky .”
“Younger you was there! You knew it would be fine!”
Hermione sighed, “I’m changing time Sirius. We don’t know what could happen. But I do know that Umbridge is monitoring the fires and the post. So we must be careful. She will punish Harry for your reckless choices.”
Sirius blanched, “I didn’t think about that.”
“Yes, I gather you didn’t,” She quipped.
“We need to do something… The way she’s punishing him…” Sirius murmured.
“I told him,” Hermione shrugged, “I told him exactly what would happen. Exactly what not to do and what the consequences would be.”
“I wasn’t enough.”
“No,” Hermione sighed, “But knowing Harry, of course it wasn’t.”
They stared at each other for a long moment.
“You won’t try this again, right?” Hermione asked softly.
“No,” Sirius whispered, “I won’t.” Hermione nodded, pulling her dressing gown tighter around herself.
“Goodnight Sirius.”
“Goodnight, Hermione.”
Sirius waited until he couldn’t hear her footsteps before walking to the liquor cabinet.