Life Behind

August 25th 1995

“Booklists have arrived!” Molly Weasley called down into the study where almost everyone at Grimmauld place was clustered. She bounded down the stairs to pass them out. Remus nudged Hermione with his knee, a smile on his face. 

“Ooo!” young Hermione hopped up and snatched hers from Molly and ripped it open, “Oh,” Her face fell, “Only two new ones. Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5 and Defensive Magical Theory by Wilbert Slinkhard…” Hermione smiled as her younger self’s brain whirled, thinking about the prospect of a new teacher. Then a badge fell from the envelope. “Oh!” She bent to pick it up and burst into tears. 

“Congratulations, Hermione!” Sirius said, looking over her shoulder. He tossed a wink at the older Hermione, grinning. Hermione was staring expectantly at Ron when he opened his letter, but no badge fell out. 

“Well done Harry!” Bill said loudly, clapping Harry on the back. He was holding the bright red and gold badge. Hermione sat straighter and looked between Ron and Harry quickly, terror seizing her heart. This was wrong. Sirius and Remus were both looking at her, concern on their faces but she didn’t acknowledge them. She stood, muttering her congratulations, and swiftly left the room. 

She heard someone following after her but she didn’t pause, trying to walk through the kitchen to get up to her bedroom, but her knees gave out and she dropped hard on the rug next to the fire. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Hermione spit out, as tremors wracked her body. She didn’t want to have a panic attack in the kitchen. She didn’t want to have a panic attack, period. Yet, her lungs refused to take a deep breath, her legs couldn’t hold her, her hands refused to stop shaking. 

Remus squatted in front of her, “Are you alright, Hermione?” She didn’t answer, she couldn’t answer. “Panic attack?” He asked. She nodded, eyes screwed shut as she sucked in her breaths too quickly. “Do you want me to stay?” She nodded again, pressing her face into the rug. “I’m going to lock and silence the doors. I’m right here. You’re okay.” Hermione felt him move, waving his wand to block out the world. 

Hermione clamped her lips tight, forcing herself to break through her nose. A whimper escaped her lips and she heard Remus groan. 

“What can I do?” Remus begged. 

“I can’t-” Hermione sat up, clutching her chest with her hand, “I-I-can’t… breathe.” Hermione told herself that this was just the panic. She could take a deep breath if she needed too. She was safe. But the rationalizing wasn’t helping her breathe. 

“You can, love, you’re okay,” Remus scooted closer to her. “Is it okay if I… hold you? I’ve read that pressure might help…” Hermione’s wild eyes met Remus’ calm ones and she nodded. She trusted him. Remus reached out and wrapped his arms around her, turning her into a little ball that he held to his chest tightly. Hermione rested her head against his chest, still hyperventilating. Remus squeezed and continued to hold her tight. Almost immediately, Hermione felt the pressure in her chest start to ease. It took several minutes for her to stop shaking and for her breathing to return to normal, but it did, slowly but surely. As the panic dissipated, tears welled in her eyes. The tension left her body and she turned her face into Remus’ chest, letting herself cry away her fear.

“I’m so sorry,” Hermione cried, sucking in a shaking breath. 

“It’s alright. You’re alright,” Remus rubbed small comforting circles on her back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Hermione sniffed, wiping her face, but cuddling closer to Remus, “I know I am here to change things, and I have changed some ones I’ve wanted to, but the little things that are changing around me, as a result, are just so… scary. I’m terrified. All the time. I just don’t know if they’re good changes or bad ones,” She admitted.

Remus thought for a moment, “Well, maybe they’re just changes. Maybe they don’t have to be good or bad.” He kissed the top of her head while she turned that over in her mind. 

“But I won’t be able to know that. What if the little things that I change cause bigger, worse changes?”

Remus smiled down at her, “I bet it drives you mad not knowing.”

“It does,” She sighed, brushing away another wave of tears “Ron was a prefect in my time. I don’t know what it means that he’s not now.” Hermione shifted to move out of Remus’ lap. Her long black hair got caught under her and she swore, pulling it around her shoulder. 

“Well, what do you think it means?” Remus asked, watching her struggle with a smirk. 

“I suppose, well, when Ron, Harry, and I were on the run, Ron didn’t take it well. He’s always kind of been in Harry's shadow. Of course, that’s not Harry’s fault at all, but it didn’t make it not true. Harry was just the Triwizard Champion. Everyone knows his name. And Ron’s always been in the shadow of all of his brothers too. This was the one time that Ron had gotten something Harry hadn’t.” Hermione frowned.

“It’s not your job to make everyone feel important, love,” Remus took her hand as they faced each other, legs crisscrossed on the ground. 

“I know that.”

“I don’t think you do,” Remus insisted, “I understand that Ron was your friend, but you can’t control how he feels. So Harry’s prefect,” Remus shrugged, “Ron will have to navigate how he feels on his own. It’s called growing up.”

“I’m just so worried it will cause a butterfly effect and ruin everything.”

“More than it was already ruined for you?” Remus asked.

Hermione stared at him, worrying her lip between her teeth, “No, I guess not.”

“Is there,” Remus paused, his thumb stroking the back of her hand, “Is there anything we can do so that you don’t have these panic attacks? Or that they become easier?”

“I don’t know,” Hermione’s lip began to tremble, and she took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “I had them all the time after the war ended, but they had gotten a lot better. I normally just have to ride them out,” Hermione shrugged, looking away. 

“Well,  you don’t have to ride them out alone,” Remus promised, squeezing her hand.

“The…” Hermione flushed, “The holding helped.”

Remus grinned, “I’ll hold you anytime you want.” Hermione laughed. 

“I might take you up on that,” Hermione said, flushing a deeper red. She had noticed Remus flirting with her for the last several weeks, ever since she and Sirius had kissed and decided not to be together. She consistently wondered if he’d always flirted with her and she just hadn’t noticed, or if it had started up when Sirius had explicitly told her to shag him. Either way, Hermione hadn’t minded the flirting or attention. In fact, she felt that she had been actively encouraging it. Hermione had never expected to feel this type of tension with Remus, especially now that he’d met Tonks and knew she was his mate.

Remus smiled and pushed himself up, holding out his hands to Hermione. She let herself be pulled up and found herself closer to him than she had expected. Her hair fell back as she looked up to his face. The room seemed to grow warm around her as she gazed into Remus’ eyes. The heat in them surprised her, but the small silver flecks that shone through surprised her even more. Was the wolf really reacting this way to their closeness? Hermione sighed and didn’t think, pushing up to the tips of her toes and brushing her lips against his. He sighed and his hand moved slowly up her arm.

“Hermione, I-” Remus murmured and it broke the spell. She stepped back and shook her head back and forth. Remus rubbed his face and moved to stand against the wall. 

“Remus-”

“Don’t, Hermione, I’m sorry, I don’t know what-”

“Wait! Wait, please,” She grabbed his arm as he was walking towards the door. “Please don’t pretend there wasn’t just a… something there.”

“I-” Remus shook his head and pulled his arm gently from hers. “I won’t pretend, but nothing like that can happen again, Hermione. I was too close to doing something… something I shouldn’t.” Hermione searched his face, eyebrows knitting together. 

“What do you mean, ‘shouldn’t’? You’ve been… dropping hints for the past two weeks, so why shouldn’t you?” She asked.

“You noticed that?” Remus grimaced.

“Noticed? Remus, you’ve been brushing up against me every chance you get. You’ve started showing up when I have nightmares. You always sit next to me if we’re in the same room. Don’t act like you haven’t been doing this on purpose.”

Remus sighed, “I have, but, Sirius-” He cut himself off and stepped closer. “He…” 

“It doesn’t matter what he wants, Remus,” Hermione moved closer too, “Yes, I… I have feelings for him. But nothing will happen anytime soon. We’re both too…” She thought back to the many conversations that ended in one of them holding the other while they broke down. “Besides! What about Tonks?” She pointed at his chest.

“Tonks?” Remus grimaced, “You know, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Hermione said softly.

“Of course you do.”

“Listen, okay, we both know - no matter how hard you will try to deny it - that you and Tonks belong together. And, well, Sirius…” Hermione didn’t know what she was saying, but she almost felt like she was trying to convince Remus, and herself of whatever it was. “I don’t even know what I’m saying,” Hermione moaned, sitting down at the kitchen table. 

“Alright,” Remus sat across from her, “Let’s just be honest, shall we? Tonks is my mate. But she’s… I can’t rope her into that for the rest of her life, it’s not fair to her and-”

“Remus,” Hermione gasped, “No! Don’t say that.”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now, Hermione,” Remus’ eyes flashed silver and Hermione flinched back and nodded. “I can’t… I can’t be with Tonks because then that would be it for me. I wouldn’t be able to be with anyone else or even look at anyone else. But right now… right now I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you. And before I met Tonks… well, I thought it could be much more than that. Because I do love you, Hermione. You’re one of my favourite people in the world, but now that I’ve met Nymphadora, I can’t imagine anything more than- and I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you and-”

Hermione laughed, “Remus, love, just… just shh.” Hermione reached out and put her hand on the side of his face. “I love you too. But I know that Tonks is it for you. And,” Hermione flushed, “I know that Sirius… and I, can’t commit to each other right now. And I know you respect me plenty. But I think we could both… use a relationship like the one I believe we’re both propositioning.”

“Sex,” Remus said bluntly. 

“Sex,” Hermione nodded. “Just sex.” Flushed, she tried to keep looking into Remus’ eyes. 

“Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Yeah,” Remus’ lips quirked up into a smile. Hermione smiled too. 

“I don’t think we should hide it from Sirius.” Hermione didn’t want to tell Sirius, especially because he was the one that had suggested it to her, but hiding it from him wasn’t an option.

“I’ll talk with him,” Remus reached out and grabbed her hand gently, “I don’t think it will surprise you that we’ve talked about you and, well, things like this before.”

Hermione laughed, “No, I am not surprised in the slightest.” 

“And well… he may have maybe told me to… proposition this to you…”

Hermione’s eyes widened and she felt her heart clench, “He told you… to have sex with me?”

Well,” Remus blushed deeply, “Yes. But I think it’s because he’s trying to help me get through the… Tonks thing… and he’s definitely trying to avoid his feelings for you the way you are avoiding your feelings for him. ”

“I supposed if we’re all on the same page…” Hermione said with a sad smile. “He told me to be with you, too.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

Remus flinched, “Yes, he told me about the conversation you had the night you… the night after his trial.” Remus wrung his hands together, “I understand if you don’t want to-”

She leaned forward and cupped Remus’ face with her hand. “Everyone is probably going to Diagon Alley today… maybe we could… make some excuses? Stay here together?”

Remus smiled tentatively, “I’d like that.”

“Sirius, stop, I’m fine,” Hermione pushed him towards the stairs, “Go with Harry. I’m just tired-”

“Her-Hestia, I just want to make sure you’re okay!”

Hermione sighed, “Yes, I know. And I appreciate that a lot, but you don’t need to.”

“But-”

“Sirius! It’s… women stuff!” Hermione groaned and Sirius fell silent. She hoped he couldn’t tell she was lying. She breathed a sigh of relief when he blushed and turned away

“Right, okay, see you in a few hours then,” he waved as he followed everyone down the stairs. Watching from the window, she only turned away when they had gone around the corner. She walked quietly up to the room that Remus had taken as his and knocked softly on the door. It opened quickly and Remus grinned at her from the doorway. 

“Hi,” She breathed. 

“Hi,” He smiled back. Remus stepped aside and allowed her inside. She was struck by how safe she always instantly felt inside the room. It was warm and cosy - every wall was covered in books and scrolls and quills. It was Hermione’s dream. Avoiding Remus’ gaze, she shot back her counter potion for polyjuice, turning herself back into Hermione. 

“It’s nice to see your face again,” Remus commented, from his seat on the bed. 

“I wanted…” Hermione met his eyes and blushed, “I wanted to make sure you still wanted me, as me…”

Remus stood, shock filling his features. “Hermione, of course I want you! You as yourself, or as your disguised self. You’re still you and I like you. ” He touched the side of her face, caressed, really. Hermione couldn’t remember ever being touched so gently, so carefully. She pushed her face into his palm and closed her eyes. 

Hermione didn’t move as Remus placed a small kiss on her lips. She didn’t move when he moved closer, pressing his lips harder against hers. When she didn’t move at all, Remus moved away. 

“Hermione?” Remus said. She didn’t open her eyes. Terror gripped her entire body. She thought she’d wanted this. That she needed this. But all she could feel was fear. Cold, consuming fear. This was Remus and he was safe, she told herself. She thought about how she hadn’t been terrified with Sirius on top of her, but she tried hard to push that thought away. Remus needed to know about her assault.

“Remus, I,” She opened her eyes slowly and met his calm, concerned ones. “I was tortured in my time. I was… I was raped by a Death Eater.” She whispered. Not a lie, exactly, but telling Remus it was Greyback didn’t seem like a good idea. Remus swore. “And I haven’t really been with anyone since that happened,” She admitted, embarrassed. 

“We don’t have to do this…” Remus murmured to her. 

“I know. I want to do this. I just need to take it slow,” She smiled shakily at him.

“Do you want to take the lead?” Remus asked, “Because we can do that if that’s what you need.”

Hermione thought for a moment, taking Remus’ hands in her own. It was hard to know what she needed. The intimate moments she’d had with Sirius hadn’t bothered her since there had been no expectations, but this was totally new and uncharted territory. And they had an endgame, something she hadn’t done in a long, long time.

“I think it’s okay if we just take it moment by moment, as long as we talk through it, I guess?” Hermione cocked her head in thought. “Does that make sense? I just need space to be able to say what I might need. But you… you can take the lead.”

“Of course,” Remus nodded, “Like this?” He took a small step forward, “Can I kiss you?” He smiled softly. She nodded and he leaned down to brush his lips against hers. “You take it from here, love,” He whispered, “You set the pace,” He nudged her nose with his and she nodded slightly and pressed into him, deepening the kiss. He responded slowly, lightly, giving her time to adjust and get used to every new touch, every sensation. 

“Remus,” She breathed and he stopped immediately, dropping his hands and taking a step back. “Oh! No, it’s okay,” Hermione stepped closer again, “I just need to tell you something else,” She pulled her shirt swiftly over her head and his eyes widened. Hermione didn’t miss the slow pass his eyes did over her breasts. And then they landed on her arm, on the scars. He gasped and his eyes flashed. Hermione held her arm out to him, displaying the disgusting word. It echoed in her head as Remus held it in his hands. Mudblood. Mudblood. Mudblood. 

“Can I…?” Remus looked up at her; he’d bent closer to her arm, face inches from it. She nodded slowly and he stroked his thumb over it slowly several times. Shivers went fluttering up her spine.

“Kiss me,” She asked. And he did. Oh, he did. The kisses Remus gave her awakened something in her that had been dormant for her entire life. Before it had even reared its head, Greyback had snuffed it out. It was fire. It was attraction. It was lust.

 She whispered her consent over and over, giving him permission to kiss her deeper, pull her closer. His kisses moved slowly across her jaw and down her neck, the swirl of his tongue on the hollow of her throat making her whimper. She pulled his face back up to hers and their tongues connected, pulling a groan from Remus. 

Deep, dull magic ignited in Hermione’s belly and she gasped in unison with Remus. She knew he must have felt it too. It was like a line of fire that connected the two of them - buried in their bodies and their magic. Hermione’s hair sparked as she deepened the kiss further, the magic connecting them reaching an almost painful peak. Remus pulled away from her, leaving his forehead against hers. She looked into the silver and let out a giggle, despite the almost-pain that their magic was causing her. This was nothing like Greyback. Thia was something blissful, something she never imagined could be felt, and thats how her night went by and ended entangled in Remus' body and magic.