Life Behind

August 12, 1995

Hermione sat with Remus and Sirius in the drawing room, rolling a bottle of firewhiskey between them. Some other Order members had joined them earlier in the night, but have all since gone to bed. 

“It’s only midnight?” Sirius asked, staring at the clock.

“Only?” Remus yawned, stretching, “It’s past my bedtime.” Hermione giggled as he tried to stifle another yawn. “I’m going to head to bed, oh-” he stopped and smiled as Hermione’s hair started bouncing up, curl by curl. “Hi, Hermione,” 

“Oh,” She blushed and cringed as her body started painfully morphing back into herself. “Hi.”

“Always nice to see you,” Remus reached out and tucked a curl behind her ear and smiled at her before leaving the drawing room with a wave. 

Hermione sighed, pulling her now puffy hair back from her face, “I should probably-” 

“Hermione, wait,” Sirius put a hand on her knee, stopping her, “We should talk about today. I am so-” Sirius’ voice broke, “Thankful. You saved me.”

“Sirius…”

“You did! You freed me, Hermione. You’re amazing,” Sirius stared at her, his grey eyes glistening. Hermione flushed deeply. “But… I don’t think we should be…” Even as he said it, he moved in closer. Hermione could feel his hot, firewhiskey breath on her face. 

“I’m sorry,” Hermione breathed, “For kissing you today.” Sirius smiled at her, hand framing the side of her face. As she said it, Hermione realized that she was so completely not sorry. Kiss me, she thought desperately as his face moved in even more. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Sirius whispered to her, his nose almost touching hers, “I just don’t know if we should… do it again.” 

Hermione jerked back a fraction, “You didn’t… like it?” She asked, as hurt coursed through her. 

“Oh, Hermione, I enjoyed myself, don’t worry,” Sirius chuckled and his laugh moved the wisps of curls framing her face, tickling her. “But…” He paused and shook his head slightly, eyes searching her face. “Fuck you are just so-” But he cut himself off by pressing his lips to hers. Hermione was surprised, he had just said that he didn’t want to do it again, but now his lips were crushing hers, moving slowly, and Hermione didn’t dare think of it again. Both of them buried their fingers in the other’s hair tightly, moving together. Hermione’s lips parted softly and Sirius pushed against her until they were both lying on the rug, as his tongue met hers. Her breath came in a wild gasp and she brushed her hips up against his, relishing in the arousal she found there. Sirius let out a growl and Hermione giggled, pulling his face closer to hers, and he thrust his hips down, pinning her there. Her fingers scratched at the fabric along his back and she sighed into his mouth. 

And then he was gone. He quickly untangled himself from her and pulled away, sitting with his back against the sofa. 

“I am so sorry,” He bit out, covering his face with his hands. 

“I’m not, ” Hermione gasped out, sitting up and staring at him. 

He took several deep breaths, not looking up at her. 

Hermione groaned, “Sirius-” She reached out and put a hand on his arm and he flinched away. She stopped, appalled. Had she done something to hurt him? “What is it, love?” She asked softly. 

“Oh, Hermione, you are so-” He looked at her then, his dark eyes pained. “Merlin, you are the most beautiful, the most kind, the loveliest- fuck, but I can’t,” His voice cracked and he covered his face again. 

“What do you mean… you ‘can’t’? I don’t understand. Please, please just explain it to me, don’t push me away,” She begged him. He didn’t say anything for a long time, and Hermione couldn’t help the tears that started to prickle and then leak from her eyes. When she sucked in a shuddering breath he finally looked up and swore. 

“No, no, it’s okay. Don’t cry. Fuck, it’s nothing you did, love,” He reached out to her, but stopped, his hand in the air. “I fucking cherish you, Hermione Granger,” He declared. It just made Hermione’s tears fall faster, and before he could react, she reached out and grabbed his hand, gripping it tightly. 

“Then why-”

“Because I’m not ready,” He cringed as he said it, his face flushing. “I want to be with you, Hermione. And not just for a night, or just physically. I want to be with you. I want to be yours .” Hermione gasped, the flood of tears not slowing. “But I can’t yet. Too much has happened to me, Hermione, and when I am yours, I want you to have the best version of me, the me that I know I can be, but I… I just… can’t right now, love. I’m not ready, and I don’t know when, or if, I will be.”

“What if I don’t need you to be… that person?” Hermione asked, gently, “What if I wanted you the way you are right now. That’s enough. It’s enough for me!” Hermione cried, wiping her wet face with the sleeve of her robe. 

Sirius stared at her, tears threatening in his own eyes, “But it’s not enough for me,” He finally said. 

Hermione couldn’t argue with that. Sirius squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, but they didn’t say anything for a long time. The clock let them know it was one in the morning, but they didn’t move. Hermione didn’t know what to say now. She wasn’t… hurt. She was just disappointed. And also elated, that Sirius felt the same way as she did, even if he wasn’t ready to act on it. 

They whispered each other’s names at the same time and smiled. 

“I don’t know what to do now,” Hermione admitted. 

“Well… I may have a… suggestion?” Sirius’ lips turned up in his smile that screamed mischief. 

Hermione rolled her eyes, “If you suggest I go have a wank, I swear to Merlin-”

“Ha!” Sirius barked out, “No, but that’s not a bad idea.” he theatrically tapped his chin in thought. 

“What’s the suggestion?”

He grinned, “Well, Remus is my suggestion.” He paused, waiting. Hermione shook her head, confused. 

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I think you and Remus should… get together.” Sirius said, sincerely. Hermione pulled her hand away from Sirius and crossed her arms tightly. “What, Hermione?” She just shook her head. “I mean it! He fancies you! You would get on so well…”

“I’m done talking about this, Sirius. I want you. You said you want to be mine? Well, I want the same. I don’t want to be with Remus. I want to be with you!”

“I don’t think you should date Remus, Hermione. But I think you two could find an… arrangement… that could help the both of you.”

“Do you know how completely fucked it is to snog someone and profess your feelings for them and then tell them to go shag someone else?” Hermione threw her hands in the air. 

“Yes.”

Hermione groaned, “Fuck. ”

“I’m sorr-”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.”

“I am!” Sirius insisted. 

“For what? Not being ready to be with me? Or insisting that I go fuck Remus?” Hermione asked, glaring.

“The first one.”

“But not the second?”

“No.”

Hermione stood up, shaking her head. Sirius clambered up after her, reaching out to her. 

“Don’t,” Hermione took a step back. “If you’re not… ready to be with me, that’s fine, but things can’t stay the way they have been, Sirius. We can’t be in each other’s beds every night. It’s not fair to either of us.” She took a shaky breath as he nodded. She knew her nightmares would be worse without him there but it hurt far too much to be that close with him. Especially now that she knew things would not be changing for the foreseeable future. 

“Hermione, I-”

“Please,” She whispered, “I know. And I am actually proud of you, for telling me and being honest with me. But now I need space, alright?” Sirius nodded and Hermione turned on her heel and walked quickly away from him, up to her bedroom. She silenced and locked the door before her ragged breaths turned to sobs. 

August 13th, 1995

“And then you told her to shag me?” Remus demanded.

Sirius groaned, flopping back on Remus’ bed. He had wanted to tell Remus everything that had happened yesterday, but now he was regretting that. 

“You’re telling me that you, Sirius Black, had a beautiful woman- had Hermione in your arms and you rejected her?”

“I didn’t reject her! I just…” Sirius trailed off. “Fuck, I rejected her. Damn.”

“Sirius!”

“What, Moony?” Sirius turned to stare at his best friend. “What was I supposed to do? Just sleep with her and then reject her?”

“I don’t know,” Remus admitted, laying back next to Sirius. “But that just… wasn’t the way, mate.”

“I know that… but it also wasn’t right to lead her on. Especially when I know the two of you could benefit from a mutual arrangement.”

“For the love of Merlin, Padfoot, can you stop trying to push us together?” Remus shoved him, though he was laughing. Sirius frowned, pushing himself up on an elbow to stare down at his best friend. 

“I’m actually not joking, Moony. If you’re not going to tell Tonks that she’s your mate, you need to figure out something to channel you and your wolf’s frustration.” Remus winced. He didn’t like it when someone talked specifically about his wolf, Sirius knew. “Remus, come on. You fancy her, she’s attracted to you, you could help each other.”

“Pads, I don’t want to pressure her into anything.”

Sirius laughed, “You think Hermione could be pressured into anything?” Remus chuckled with him. 

“Well, no, I don’t.”

“So just go for it! Flirt a little! Let her know you’re interested!”

Even as he said it, Sirius’ heart clenched. He didn’t want Hermione to be with anyone else, but he also knew he was right. Remus and Hermione needed comfort and Sirius couldn’t give it to them anymore. 

“I haven’t even tried to flirt since…”

“Since Mary?” Sirius murmured. 

Remus sighed, covering his face with his arm, but mumbled a soft, “Yes,” into the crook of his elbow. Sirius blew out a long breath. Mary Macdonald was a touchy subject with Remus. He’d been dating her when she died. 

“Well, now is your time to try,” Sirius declared, trying to stay far away from the Mary topic.

“I don’t want to.”

Sirius stood abruptly, “Fine!” He stared down at Remus, fists clenched.

“Sirius! Why are you so angry?” Remus sat up, crossing his legs. Sirius rolled his eyes. “I mean it, I really just don’t understand and I want to. Be honest with me.”

“Because!” Sirius exclaimed with a whine. “I’ve pushed both of you away. And it’s not fair that you two have to suffer because of it.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He wasn’t in a place where he could shag Remus or Hermione and they wanted it and it wasn’t fair to them. 

“Pads…” Remus murmured, “You making the personal choice to not be with either of us isn’t going to make us hate you. You don’t have to push us together to make us happy. Of course, I would love to… find an arrangement with Hermione. But you love her.”

“I don-”

“You do!” Remus stood, resting his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. “And it is alright that you are not ready to admit that to her, or yourself. But we also love you, and we’re not going anywhere. While I would love to resume our old arrangement, I do understand why you don't. And it is alright. You’re more than just a shag to us, Padfoot.” Remus sighed, “I will also not pretend that you’re not right when it comes to my feelings for Hermione. Yes, they pale in comparison to Tonks.” Remus’ eyes softened at the mention of his mate’s name. It was only a matter of time before he had to tell her. And if Remus didn’t tell her, Sirius just might. “But,” Remus shook himself, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I will try to… flirt… with Hermione.”

Sirius grinned, “Really?”

“I… If it will make you happy, yes.”

“I just want you to be happy, Moony.” Sirius insisted. 

Remus sighed again, stepping away, “I know. Unfortunately, when it comes to my happiness, you’re usually right.”

“Unfortunately?” Sirius laughed just as Molly knocked on the door for breakfast. 

“Well I don’t like you being right,” Remus grinned back, shoving him toward the door.