Chapter 18
May was nothing better than April.
Nothing had changed between Remus and Sirius.
They hadn't shared a word ever since the hospital visit and the others had stopped pressing them.
" I know you don't want to talk about the " Sirius thing ", so can I talk to you about Cassandra, instead ?", Mary asked nervously.
"Mary, honey - I... I'm sorry. I've been so reckless and selfish all this time. I didn't want you to stop talking to me about your relationship and your worries. You can always talk to me, about anything, you know.", Remus felt the guiltiness creeping in and the sadness twisting in his stomach.
" NO, NO! I didn't mean it like that - I didn't want to bother you about her, so - ", Remus looked at her with an angry face that made her stop and giggle.
" Anyway... So, we're totally exclusive now and we're just... having the time of our lives. Oh and I'm over Marlene, for good I think. "
" YOU'RE EXCLUSIVE?? OH MERLIN! And oh you're over Marlene I mean, girl that's so good for you, I mean I - I'm so proud of you, for both of your accomplishment. ", Remus smiled happily, but then, he realized that he and Sirius were either exclusive or over each other, so he just smiled awkwardly.
" It's okay, If you're not over him. I mean, you've been together for so long and in love for even longer, so I think it's pretty normal.", Mary said that like she was reading Remus' thoughts, but he didn't stay on that.
"What about Marlene? I mean, she's been acting very weird around you, lately. She hasn't been the nicest. ", Remus admitted after a long time.
" We had a chat. I basically forced her to. She told me that she was happy for me that I had found someone I cared about, but a small part of her hadn't gotten over me. She, actually, thought that she was being delusional because she believed I had feelings for her... Well, I told her she wasn't. ", Mary looked at her hands, as she was getting a little upset.
" What did she say, then? "
" That I should've told her and we would've discussed it properly. ", Mary laughed." I mean, I explained to her that she had a girlfriend and that was the reason I didn't bother telling her in the first place, but she just stared at me for a long time, more like studying and said that it didn't matter, I should have told her either way."
"Oh, er, what?"
"Exactly. And then she admitted that breaking up with Dorcas had crossed her mind, but I just cut her there and told her that Dorcas was the love of her life and that I was just a crush and nothing more and that she never had a strong, wonderful relationship with me. "
" But, you wanted to have... "
" Yes. I wanted it, badly. And a part of me still does. I mean, I'm over her but not over her. I don't think about her when I wake up or when I shower or when I study. I think about Cassandra and honestly she makes me happier than anyone has ever made me. And I feel things that I haven't felt before, not even with Marlene. It's different and it's good and I'm happy and I want this to work, because my life didn't end when I was fifteenth and in love with Marlene and my world doesn't involve her anymore. ", she raised her voice a little bit and started talking really fast because she was angry with herself and with all the years she'd spent thinking about Marlene and, well, with Marlene who had the audacity to say all those things to her after all this time, while having a girlfriend by her side.
"I'm not desperate anymore, Remus. She can do whatever she wants, with whoever she wants, because I don't care anymore. It may sound otherwise, like I'm still in love and maybe I am, but not in the same way.
Maybe I'm in love with the possibility of us getting together after so long and with her admitting her feelings for me even though she's in relationship. Maybe, I'm in love with the idea now and the memories and not actually the person...I'm in love with someone else now. "
The fact that she had considered all of these things through and had admitted them to Remus right away, made him so proud of her. She knew what was going on with her life and her brain and her insides, unlike Remus.
" Honestly, I believe you're right and I believe you have to move on. It's time you did that. You've wasted all those years making yourself miserable and trying to find the happiness that you deserve and you did! You really did and I couldn't be more thrilled for my girl, you know. ", he hugged her tightly because he wanted her to know how he felt for her at the time.
" Thank you, Moony. I really am happy with my girl. ", she said against his shoulder and smiled, probably that 'Mary smile' with her white, long teeth showing and her brown, high cheeks changing colors.
So, he let Sirius slip his mind for a moment and appreciated the company of his best friend and her warm arms around his back.