pages of poetry

It had been weeks since Regulus had seen his other half. Weeks since he could look into the eyes of the only brother he had. The Black Manor was never a welcoming place, but Regulus had never felt more lonely when Sirius wasn’t there.

Both Black brothers had no clue how strong each other were acting. Regulus forced himself to write to his brother about any random small thing, avoiding whatever was going on at home, to stop himself from begging his older brother to ditch his fancy school and come back to him at home.

Finally, it was the day. Regulus waited at the King’s cross station, standing tall under the piercing gaze of Walburga Black A few of the children he knew of from thier soirees had been at the station too, picking up siblings, or cousins, or showing as the face of their family with conjoined families. He had been allowed to drift away from his mother, taking his father to meet with the other parents waiyinh with their children, but the Rosier twins weren’t there yet. They were the only two in their family, but were expected at Hogwarts the next year.

The train pulled into the station as he had returned to his mother, and Regulus’ heart rate peaked.

Regulus had waited. He had been so lonely, because how does one spend months apart from their other half?

Would his hair be different? It was always growing so quickly. It had been 4 months, it could be sitting on his shoulders right now. Did his brother know more than Regulus? Of course he did, but did he pick up his learning just as Regulus had done in his own time? His brother’s letters had told him of their mucking about in class, so he wasn’t too sure about that.

Regulus hadn’t noticed his hands beginning to shake, his whole body filled with adrenaline, with suspense in seeing his brother. He knew Hogwarts would change him forever, but would he still be Regulus’ brother? Could they stay the same, far away from Scotland and Sirius’ new friends. Was it selfish to ask for Sirius to be the same?

It seemed like months in itself waiting for all the students to pile off the carriages, Regulus scanning the face of every boy and girl stepping onto the platform, finding their own families, parents and siblings, and running over to greet one another. Finally, his brother jumped off the train onto the platform, with two of the other boys he had left with. He watched in anticipation as his brother waved farewell to his new friends. Regulus knew their names by now, thanks to the in-depth explanations of the boys he shared his dorms with. He knew the little brown boy, with unruly curls, and round glasses that sat annoyingly slanted on his face all the time was ‘James’ and the boy that seemed to always be by his side, slightly shorter than the two, with mousey brown hair, and eyes that always seemed to look either terrified or in awe. That was ‘Peter, or Pete’. The third boy was missing, the tallest of the three, apparently. He had remembered Sirius mention that he was staying at school over the break. Regulus thanked the gods his brother didn’t do the same.

When finished with his new friends, Sirius scanned the platform for his mother, father, and Regulus. He saw the shift in his brother, as his eyes slightly glassed over, and his gaze fixed closer to the floor. It was the kind of shut-down regulus knew all too well.

Their mother had obviously saved the lecture for back at the family house, not wanting to lash out at the train station, so the Blacks picked up Sirius’ belongings and made their way to apparate back to the Black Manor.

As soon as the boys and their parents arrived at the Black Manor, Sirius went straight to their room. Regulus knew, this wasn’t the right time for ‘hello’ and ‘i missed you too much never go back’. Regulus joined his mother and father in the sitting room as they discussed the holiday plans now that their eldest child was at home again. They were to visit their cousins, and however insane Bellatrix was, and how much she loathed Sirius, and the disappointment of his brother by the whole family, they entertained Regulus. He would sit at dining tables pretending to watch the family like they were a novel from his book, and not his actual cousins and parents, and they weren’t really arguing, it was just scripted. Written down and planned by some bizarre author.

Once the evening had stretched on for long enough, and Regulus was sure his brother had settled into their room, and had had time to write to his new friends, the younger brother retired to theor shared room. He barely turned the handle, and creaked open the door, peaking into his brother sitting at the desk Regulus had previously fallen asleep on, and saw ihs brother jerk upright, before scrambling off his chair to welcome his younger brother. “Thought you were mother,” Sirius mumbled into his brothers’ shoulder, squeezing so tight he wasn’t sure if his older brother would ever let go. The two boys sat on Sirius’ bed, and he talked into the night about the wonders of Hogwarts. Sirius had told his brother everything that had happened in their letters, sometimes missing a little story or two, but Regulus was too happy that his brother was finally home that he didn’t dare interupt, for the fear he would stop talking. For the chatterbox they both knew Sirius to be, Reg never hoped he would stop.

Neither brother cared enough to go into thier separate beds, they had been separated for far too long enough. They soon fell asleep some silly hour in the night, when Sirius had said “i can’t wait for you to get out of here, Reggie. It’s a whole different world, and it’s just gonna be you and me, Blacks against the world.” His older brother always fell asleep first, and Regulus would slowly drift away, listening to his brother’s steady breathing, watching his chest rise and fall, as their bodies lay intertwined.

The next morning the boys had packed bags, for a three night stay at Grimmauld. They had been there a few times before, only to visit for lunch, or when his mother had needed to meet with their other family members. No one lived at the Grimmauld manor, it was just another empty household the Black family owned. The vast amount of estates extended under the control of the two families, as either were able to stay at any unoccupied residence; but Walburga had utmost control of each happenings with every house. The family wards on each house had been inherited into her control when she had married Orion.

The family met the other Blacks, the three girls and Reg’s aunt and uncle. They quickly settled into their rooms, Regulus and Sirius settling into their shared room. Being finally separated from his new firends, Sirisy was in a kind of sulk to be at home. Almost every lasting conversation they would have was somewhat about Hogwarts, and his older brother’s friends. They had talked about Regulus, joked about his settling in soirees, and Regulus had warned him of the New Years celebrations coming up. Not only were their dysfunctional family celebrating, but they had invited other families to celebrate the new year in some sort of transaction and showing-off of family riches.

Leaving his brother to sulk, and write letters out to his friends that would surely not be sent and intercepted by Walburga. Regulus had only managed to get out from under her claws, sending off owls when the matriach was out of the house, or he knew she was busy. Regulus examined the busy walls of Grimmauld, explored the rooms in which he had never been in, not allowed to stray far from his mother the times before that they had visited, Regulus too young, and their mother having to deal with a troublesome boy.

Some rooms were dark, and eerie. Regulus opened the curtains of one, thick and heavy maroon drapes, and found the ancient windows covered in cobwebs. Somehow, the house elf Kreacher had sensed his disrupt, and appeared instantly behind the boy. Kreacher seemed to be upset by the families barging into the empty house, and would simetimes follow Regulus as he would explore, advising him when he really shouldn’t go into one roo, than another. He had begun to enjoy the house-elf’s company, helping him clear away a few stray things when they dropped off a shelf, or when there were a few too many cobwebs lining the walls. His charms practise had meant the boy was hovering things wandless, and the house elf appreciated his competence, allowing him to help with the chores sometimes, still complaining under his breath that they boy ‘won’t let a house elf do its job.’ Regulus knew he was just keeping up an appearance.

By the second day of their stay, Regulus had visited most of the east wing, taking time to look at the portraits, and ancient artworks that lined the walls, doing a quick light-dusting charm on the especially older ones, but making sure it seemed somewhat dusty still, the clean look didn’t match that of the Grimmauld house. Or rather, anything to do with the Black family. They could be rich, pureblood, and highly influential, but still some dust creeped in their halls, on their shoulders. Years of incest hadn’t helped the bloodline. Sure, it was pure, devoid of any muggleborn, but the random quirks the Black family shared weren’t exactly worth it. Their blood was thinner than usual. Less likely to clot, and cover up wounds. That didn’t aid Walburga’s insistent punishments, and it would sometimes take the best part of an hour trying to heal Sirius when he really wound her up.

Kreacher had found Regulus walking down the halls again in the morning after breakfast, and led her to the ‘family room’. The younger boy had never walked down this part of the estate yet, and followed the house-elf’s quick stride as he led him to a large room, full of tapestry, and books. Regulus wished his brain could take a screenshot of what his eyes saw, instead he tried to remember the path he had taken, running up to the room he had shared with his brother, to show him the pure silver lines that had connected all of the Black Family.

The Black Family tree. It was a majesty.

The portraits of all his ancestors, and relatives streched far across the four walls. He found his predecessor, Regulus Black the first, and saw the few Sirius’ that dotted the map of relatives. Each branch of family showed pictures, relatives alive and deceased. It was almost comforting and disturbing to think at the same time all that weight of family was on their shoulders as heirs, all that ancient magic passed down generations of purebloods, but also, there had surely been a load of fuck-ups before Regulus, so surely he didn’t need to be perfect. He wasn’t the heir yet, either. That was, and would hopefully always be Sirius’ job.

‘That was Alphard.’ Sirius pointed at the charred circle covering up a face on the tapestry. ‘Dads brother, our uncle. I met him once, he seemed kind of off into his head, but he would slip me sweets at the dinner table.’ Sirius told his brother how their uncle had gone against the family, and had burned his own face off the tapestry before leaving the family for good, back when Regulus was too little to remember.

The boys continued their conversations, talking on and off about the funny constellation theme that had lasted millenia. “Who do you reckon thought of the star name thing?” Reg had asked his brother.

‘I think it’s always been a part of our family. Since the beginning of time. When the sky brought the Black night sky, it gave beginning to the stars that inheroted its name.’ Siriys shrugged, pretending like pure poetry hadn’t just escaped his brain. Reading it hadn’t been as how it had been to sit by his brother as he spoke. It was magic. If Regulus had ever been jealous of his brother, it was now.

A quiet seemed to fill the air, until Sirius bolted upright, spotting a familiar name. ‘Potter! What on earth! This is crazy, James wil go WILD’. He then pointed to the portrait off to the far left, their fathers uncle. Funnily enough, the name and portait matched the name Charlus Potter, James’ apparent grandfather. Sirius had made all the trouble of running back up to their room, and coming down to map the family tree, adding in his friend’s parents’ name, and his best mates. (Charlus had been the end of that branch, as the blood thinned out to less relevance.) ‘We’re not that far apart, only slightly distant cousins! Can’t believe the blokes got black blood in him. Never gonna shut up about this to him, we’re basically brothers now.’

That slight remark sent an alarm off in Regulus’ head once more. He replaced me, and now he has his own new brother now.’

Sirius had decided to finish off his letter in their bedroom, in case Walburga decided to do rounds of the castle, checking up on tehe troublemaker. Any excuse to punish Sirius would get Walburga going, still very bitter about his house placement. Sirius had barely escaped punishment this week as it was, and Regulus understood.

He was once more left to his thoughts, and the walls of his family. He tugged out the leather bound book he had kept by his side since he found it, and wrote in what Sirius had said before, capturing every essence of his words;

The stars have always been part of our family.
Since the beginning of time
When the sky brought the Black night,
It gave beginning to the stars that inherited its name

We are stars, a gift from the night
Missing as the sun rises into the day
Graces our presence with its warmth,
Burning our fair skin.

He hid the book back into his pocket, and scanned the books lining the shelf. One, he saw was a family record of every Black descendant, magically updated to fit each newcomer, and distant relative. As Regulus tugged out the thick book, he had found a smaller one tucket behind. The cover a similar one to his poetry, tied up with a strip of leather to keep the pages from falling completely out of the cover. The book was one of astronomical genius. Constelations, and stars mapped each page, which looked hand drawn by some ancient relative of his. He found leo, the constellation that had contained Regulus, one of the brightest stars in the sky. Each individual star had been pointed out, and labelled. Regulus was the ‘Little King’, the heart of the lion constellation. It was funny in some way to be a ‘little king’. It was quite literal in the sense that ten year old Regulus Black was quite shorter than his older counterpart. He flipped the pages to Orion’s Belt, spotting the Sirius star, ‘Orion’s dog’. Sirius was no man’s pet, but he had always favoured the old lonely father over their mother, sneaking off, delighting in the french dinnertime conversations that would tick Walburga off, because she could not understand a single word of what his brother was saying.

Sirius spent the next few days infatuated with his friends, almost forgetting what it was like to not have his brother around, and could leave him alone as they usuually would. He wasn’t counting the days until he was alone again, moreso not being able to wait to leave his brother again, and go back to Scotland on that wretched train. Christmas had been a boring affair, not resulting in any screaming matches yet, so Regulus was glad eveyrone came out unscathed.

As they arrived back to the Black manor, the house elves began their preparatios for New Years. The boys’ cousins were still staying with their family, and Regulus had sacrificed his bedroom to instead sleep in one of the smaller ones, as Walburga had insisted the girls get the better pick of beds. Some rooms had been saved for the family friends visiting later in the week, so whilst Bellatrix and Cissy had scored rooms, Andy didn’t mind sharing with the eldest Black, and Regulus had offered to sleep in one of the downstairs rooms. He had been slightly sulking at the idea of his brother leaving him again. He barely needed Regulus. He had his own brother now, at Hogwarts. As much as Sirius couldn’t wait for his little brother to join him after the summer, Reg was beginning to hate the Scottish castle more and more.

New years eve had been the busiest and warmes the Black Manor had ever been. Fires lined each room, the grand hall full of adults conversing, showing off thier children, and dancing to the many numbers played by an enchanted quartet. Walburga had invited the families so gracious enough to invite the Blacks to events they didn’t attend to, too busy with their plans, and not bothered enough for Regulus and Sirius to make an appearance at. Sirius would lash out at these events before, and would just end up feeling sorry for himself. Evan and Pandora had made it to the celebrations, so to spite his brother, who had been sulking about the evening all week the younger brother spent his time with the twins. They spoke of their holidays, and any excitement of when they will only just be coming back for the two weeks, and not stuck in the houses with their parents.

By the end of the night, seeing Sirius stare at his brother, willing him to come over, and leave the function Regulus got so ticked that when the twins offered for him to stay the night at thiers, he gladly accepted, and went off to the Rosier house after the approval from his mother. She had said to the young boy, “I am glad you are making good connections, Regulus.”. Reg didn’t think that lady could ever be nice, and thought she would combust, or evaporate if a hint of kindness left her mouth. But the woman remained unscathed, and Regulus rushed to pull some things together from the drawers in his makeshift downstairs bedroom. He didn’t see his brother the rest of the night, leaving with the Rosiers, and spending the next day at their house.

He knew it was only three days until his brother was gone. Their cousins were due to leave in two, and Regulus was too spiteful to spend his remainting time with his brother. Instead, he did what he had done whilst his brother was still away, explore the libraries, sit deep into their garden with a stack of books, and sometimes a quill and inkpot or two.

He waved goodbye to his cousins, all of which he wouldn’t see again most likely until the Summer holidays, once the school year had finished. He didn’t know if his brother would spent the next holidays before the big break at the school, but Regulus could never tell the future. He left the seer things to Pandora.

Regulus was finally allowed into his bedroom once more, which meant he had to face the spite that had been building in his chest since the new year. It dawned on him as he was packing away his books, and finally sitting on his own desk, that this was the last night he would spend with his brother in quite a while. The younger brother pinched his arm for being so stupid. Why would he waste all this time?! He only had so many days with his brother and he had messed it all up. When Sirius had come back from the showers, and saw Regulus standing in their room again, he made a casual remark about his disappearance. Of couse he was slightly salty too.

Regulus wanted to open his mouth, wanted to answer his brother. I don’t wanna be replaced. I don’t want you to leave me ever again. I don’t want to stay here. But no words came out, only a short croak, before his vision blurred, and he could feel the tears pooling in his eyes. Regulus never liked to cry, so he ran into his brother’s shoulders, let his arms cage him in, and keep the pieces of him together.

Once Regulus had calmed down, the boys split to their separate beds in time for their father to remind them to sleep. Once the hall became quiet once more, Reg slipped out from his covers, and joined his brother in his bed.

“I know you’re right here,” Regulus murmured, his voice still only coming back from when he was confronted earlier. “But i miss you.”

His confession tugged at his heart, he had wanted to say so much more, i was so stupid. Why did we waste so much time? You’re never around now.

“I know, Reggie. I miss you the most. It’s not the same at Hogwarts without a little brother to nag around.”

Regulus hadn’t noticed the tears fill his eyes again, didn’t feel as his brother wrapped him in an embrace, and hold his head with such care like it would break like fine china.

The two brothers fell asleep that night the same as they had Sirius’ first night back. But there was no welcome, only a final goodbye before he would leave the next morning.

Sirius had gone back to school, and the only thing Regulus had of his brother now was his notebook, and a promise to receive a letter once he arrived back. He opened the pages of his brother’s book with such care, opening to an empty page, the one after his writing of his brother’s saying. He dipped a fresh quill in ink, and wrote his first few lines:

Such warmth, from your embrace
I shiver now without it
You can lay there, tell me you miss me,
Forgetting if i’m really there or not.
You’ll forget this night,
Forget my touch,
But i shall crave yours
I am so alone.