James Potter was always happy.
He had been that way since he was eleven. He had always been the life of the party, the sun shining on all those around him. His joy was infectious - when he laughed, other people laughed. When he smiled, so did anyone around him. He brought comfort to his friends, humour to any situation. The smile never left his face. James spent his time planning pranks, or messing around with his friends, or flirting with his boyfriend. Quidditch practice was the team’s favourite part of the day, because James made sure everyone had the time of their lives, even when it was gruelling training. It was simply a fact to anyone who knew him.
James Potter was always happy.
After all, what did he have to be sad about? He had two loving, doting parents. He had Remus, and Sirius, and Peter, his three closest friends in the world. He had Lily, and Marlene, and Mary, his next closest friends. He had Regulus, his boyfriend, who he loved more than anything in the world. He had Barty, and Evan, and Dorcas, and Pandora, his friends through Regulus who had grown as close as any of the rest. He was Quidditch Captain, and Head Boy, and top of nearly all his classes. He was one of the most popular and loved people in the school. He was brilliant at magic - he was an animagus, and had played a key role in the building of the Marauder’s Map, not that the rest of the school knew that. That was also a fact to anyone who knew him.
James Potter had everything he could ever want. What could he possibly have to be sad about?
It was James’s most carefully guarded secret that he was sad. He was really fucking sad. So much so that it settled in his chest and made him feel like he couldn’t breathe, and made it nearly impossible for him to get up in the morning.
But he had everything, and no reason to be sad. So get up in the morning he did, and he put his bright smile on his face, and he joked with his friends and kissed and flirted with Regulus, and got top in all his classes and made sure everyone had fun at Quidditch practice. He patrolled the halls as Head Boy, and comforted first years who were homesick and fourth years going through their first breakups. He spent extra time in the library, just to see who might need help with their homework. He made sure anyone he talked to left with a smile on their face, and made sure to give them one in return.
James didn’t cry. This was well known to his friends. He had held each and every one of them while they cried about one thing or another. Most often it was Sirius - he had spent many nights in their bed, or free periods in empty classrooms, holding Sirius close and comforting him while he cried. In the earlier years, it was usually about his family. He had cried a lot of tears over the cruel words of his father, the cruel actions of his mother, and the devastation over the fractured relationship with his brother. James had held him through tears of joy when his relationship with Regulus was mended. He’d held him through tears of terror when he’d admitted being in love with Remus. And again when he’d gotten drunk and tried to kiss Remus, and again when Remus had gotten drunk and tried to kiss him. And then again, tears of joy, when he’d told James that Remus had asked him out. And again when Remus had asked him to be his boyfriend. And again when Remus had told him he loved him.
Peter was less frequent, but only slightly. Peter was the most sensitive out of all the Marauders, and it was something James loved about him. He cried often and freely, the least embarrassed about being seen in tears. James had held him when his first girlfriend had cheated on him, but he’d also held him when his favourite plant had died.
Remus was least frequent, out of those three, but it had still happened. The most memorable was when James, Peter, and Sirius had told him that they knew he was a werewolf. They’d had a long conversation, and then, when Remus was sure they weren’t going to reject him and reveal his secret to the school, James had held him through his tears of terror and relief. James had comforted him when he’d confessed that he was in love with Sirius, and when Sirius had gotten drunk and tried to kiss him, and when Remus had gotten drunk and tried to kiss Sirius. James had comforted him when Remus was terrified of Sirius rejecting him, and it had been James who convinced Remus to go ask Sirius out.
The girls had been less often, simply because there were no quiet nights in the dorm room between James and the girls. But he’d comforted Lily when Snape had called her a mudblood, and he’d comforted Mary when Lily got her first boyfriend, and he’d comforted Marlene when her girlfriend broke up with her.
James had comforted Regulus when he finally ran away from home, too, the year after Sirius. He’d held him while he cried about missing his brother, and when nasty letters arrived from home. Regulus didn’t cry often, but it did happen, and whenever it did, James was there with open arms and comforting words and a kiss to make it better.
None of his friends had ever returned the favour. Not that it was their fault - James knew they’d be perfectly willing and happy to if he ever went to them. But he couldn’t go to them. James was always happy - it was what everyone expected of him. He had never once cried in front of his friends. If he cried, it was late at night, with the curtains and a silencing charm tightly wound around his bed.
He could remember the first time he’d hurt himself. It had been a terrible day - Sirius and Remus were having one of their arguments, which meant they were hacked off at everyone. James had asked what had happened, and both had snapped at him. Lily was upset with him, he couldn’t quite remember what for but he suspected it had something to do with Snape. She may not be his friend anymore, but Lily was still fighting to get rid of the soft spot she held for Snape, and sometimes it came out as anger. He and Regulus had argued about something stupid - James wasn’t entirely sure what it had been about, but they hadn’t spoken all day, and by extension, he hadn’t seen Barty, Evan, Dorcas, or Pandora either. McGonagall had given him detention for not turning in a homework assignment - he hadn’t finished it. He’d gone to the library to work on it, but had gotten distracted by a first year. She was Muggleborn, and she missed her parents, and Hogwarts was confusing, and she didn’t understand the homework, and all this magic business was overwhelming. James had sat with her for two hours, until Madam Pince had kicked them out of the library. Then he’d shown her the kitchens, and sat with her while she drank some hot chocolate, and then used his invisibility cloak to get her back to the Ravenclaw dorms without being caught. He hadn’t gotten back in until nearly midnight, and then he had just forgotten.
It had felt like dislike and anger was pouring in on him from all sides, and it was suffocating. He was drowning in the sadness, and the disappointment and hatred with himself. He’d had one of his late night cries in the privacy of his bed, and then had gone to get the Marauder’s Map to see if he could sneak back down to the kitchens for some chocolate, when he’d accidentally closed his hand around his potions knife. His hand had immediately started bleeding, and he hissed in pain, and then found himself entranced by the sight of blood in his hand. Opening or closing his fist pulled at the wound and made it sting and burn anew, and he found his thoughts retreating in his mind.
For the first time he could remember, his mind went quiet. He sat and stared at the cut on his hand, at the blood dripping from it, and his mind was silent. It was clear. So he grabbed his potions knife and returned to his bed. After a few moments of hesitation, during which his mind began to grow louder, he made a short, shallow cut on his wrist.
His mind went silent.
It was bliss. There was no shouting in his head, no thoughts of what he needed to do and who needed his help and where he should be instead. No worries about what he should be doing, about how to make things up to Lily, and Regulus, and Sirius and Remus. And when the sound returned, he pressed a finger into the wound, and it went quiet again.
The next morning, Sirius and Remus had made up, and both apologised for being short with James. Regulus sought him out to apologise for his part in their argument, and James apologised too, and then they’d had quite a nice afternoon in a broom cupboard. Lily had apologised for being angry with him too, though he still couldn’t quite remember what she was upset about, and he’d turned in the assignment to McGonagall and she’d let him out of detention early.
But that night, in the privacy of his bed, he brought out his potions knife again. Because the sight of the blood, and the burning pain of the blade, and the silence of his thoughts was addicting. The weight of his role in everyone’s life was crushing him. He wasn’t allowed to need comfort. He wasn’t allowed to have bad days, or be upset, or get angry. His job was to be the sun. Shining brightly, endlessly, on everyone around him. The sun could only set at night, when nobody could see, when it was protected by curtains and silencing charms.
People take the sun for granted. Life can’t go on without it, but nobody notices it until it’s gone. And even when it disappears for the night, when its light and warmth isn’t felt, it doesn’t matter, because it will be back again in the morning. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that the sun will rise again, and it will bring with it light and warmth and life.
James feels bad for the sun.
It had been three months since his first experiment with his knife. He was very well acquainted with it - they spent several hours every night together. James was very glad it was December - he’d have to think of a way to keep his arms hidden when it became too warm to wear thick jumpers all the time.
It was Christmas at Hogwarts. Normally, the Marauders spent Christmas at the Potter’s, but all the seventh year Gryffindors had agreed to stay at Hogwarts this year, as it was their last one. The Marauders, and Lily, Mary, and Marlene had Gryffindor tower to themselves this year. Regulus had stayed too, as had Evan, Barty, Pandora, and Dorcas.
James felt a bit bad. He hadn’t meant for them all to stay when he’d said he wanted to. He’d expected them all to carry on as usual, return home and celebrate the holidays with their family. He had wanted to be alone this year, but he couldn’t explain that to his friends, because he couldn’t tell them about The Plan.
It had been forming in the back of his mind since that first night with his knife. He wasn’t sure what had brought it to the front of his mind these past few weeks, but he couldn’t get rid of it. All he knew was that he was so very, very tired of existing. He was exhausted, and he wanted it to end.
When he came downstairs to the common room that morning, Lily was the only one in it. James caught sight of her sitting alone in front of the fire, and a sudden idea struck. He hurried back up to his trunk and grabbed his chess set. He loved the chess set - his parents had given it to him for Christmas his first year, and it was very special to him. It had helped him grow a bond with Lily. She loved playing chess, and letting her teach it to him had been one of the reasons they’d become friends. It meant a lot to him, because of the sentiment attached, but if he wasn’t going to be here anymore, he wanted Lily to have it.
He paused when he saw she was crying.
“Evans?” he asked tentatively. “Are you okay?”
Lily jumped. “Oh! James. Yes, I’m fine, sorry.”
She wiped hurriedly at her eyes, which gave James time to notice the letter curling to ash in the fireplace.
“Is it Petunia again?” he asked gently.
Lily’s eyes filled with fresh tears, and she looked away before she nodded.
“I… I sent her a gift for Christmas, and a letter,” Lily said, nodding at a package sitting beside her. “She’s engaged now, you see. So I wanted to send my congratulations. And she… she sent the gift back unopened, and a letter telling me that she doesn’t want me at the wedding at all.”
“Oh, Lily,” James said gently, sitting next to her and pulling her into a hug as she broke down into renewed sobs. “Don’t pay her any mind. If she’s not willing to look past her jealousy and see what an amazing, loving person you are, then that’s her loss, yeah? Because that’s all it is. She’s jealous that you can do amazing things, and that you’re such a wonderful, beautiful, loving person, and she’s just mean and bitter.”
Lily let out a shaky laugh, pulling away from James and wiping her eyes again. “Thanks, James. I just… I miss her. We were so close growing up, and then I came here, and now she just… she just hates me. Nothing I do makes it any better.”
“I think you’ve done all you can,” James said, wiping a tear off her cheek with his sleeve. “You’ve shown her that you still love her, and that you want to be friends again. It’s up to her now. And if all she’s got to give you are cruel words, then she’s not worth it. Blood doesn’t make a family, you know. Just ask Reg and Sirius.”
Lily laughed louder then, nodding. “You’re right. Thank you, James. Oh, I’ve made you miss breakfast,” she added, glancing at her watch. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” James waved her concern away. “I’ll just go to the kitchens and bother the elves. They love me. And I actually did want to talk to you, I have something for you.”
“Bit early for Christmas gifts, don’t you think?” Lily asked, grinning.
“It’s not your Christmas gift,” James said. “Here.”
He presented her with the chess set. Her face softened as she took it in.
“Is this the set I taught you to play on in first year?” she asked, almost reverently, as she ran a finger along the edge of the board and studied the pieces.
“Yeah,” James said, smiling at her. “My mum and dad gave it to me that Christmas, said it might help me become friends with you. I don’t know if you noticed, but I was a bit obsessed with getting your attention those first few years.”
“A bit?” Lily asked sarcastically. “I seem to remember several declarations of love made from the top of Gryffindor table.”
James laughed. “Well, what can I say. I didn’t know we were both so fucking gay at the time.”
Lily laughed, too, and then softened again. “But… why give it to me?”
“Well,” James said, wanting to word this delicately. “Your friendship means the world to me, Lily. And this is sort of representative of it, to me. It’s how we became friends in the first place. And I suppose… I just wanted you to have something. Something you can look at and know just how much I love you, and how glad I am that I’m your friend.”
Lily looked up at him. There was a touch of concern in her eyes. “I - thank you, James, that’s very nice. I’ll treasure it. But… are you - are you alright? You seem a bit…odd.”
James realised his face had grown a bit melancholic while he spoke. Immediately, he pulled his smile back on, giving her the brightest one he had. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just the holidays, you know. Brings out some weird moods.”
Lily tilted her head slightly, studying his face. She didn’t quite seem convinced, but eventually she smiled too. “Right. The holidays. Well… thank you, James. You’d better get down to the kitchens, get some breakfast.”
“Breakfast, yeah,” James said. “I’ll see you later, Evans.”
“See you, James,” Lily said.
She watched him leave the common room, her face falling back into a worried expression that James never saw.
-{}-{}-{}-
Christmas Day arrived, and it was as chaotic as could be, what with all four Marauders involved. They snuck their Slytherin friends up to their common room and had quite a boisterous morning, opening presents and eating sweets until they thought they might be sick. They dispersed in mid morning, the Slytherins and the girls heading down to brunch, while the Marauders returned to their dorm for a few Marauders-only traditions, mostly consisting of wrestling each other. It had started in their first year, when Sirius had tackled James for no reason at all, and Remus and Peter had gotten dragged into it. It had then become a Christmas tradition - presents, sweets, wrestling match. It was just what they did.
Remus won. He almost always did - he was quite a bit taller than all of them, and very strong considering he was so skinny. James suspected it had something to do with the werewolf in him, but he’d never asked.
“Well,” Sirius said, panting, as the fun died down. “I’m bloody starving, let's get down to the hall.”
“Oh, hold on,” James said. “I’ve got one more thing for you lot.”
He reached into his trunk and pulled out three pendants. They were each just a small, silver charm on a leather string. The charm had a footprint from a stag, a dog, a wolf, and a rat, facing out from each other in the middle, making a sort of compass with the toes of each.
“Mum and Dad made me this when they found out about us,” he explained, as he gave one to each of his fellow Marauders. “I think it was their way of reassuring me that they weren’t mad, and they weren’t going to turn us in. I only had one, so I made copies of it for each of you.”
His friends each accepted it, studying the charm and putting it around their necks.
“Thanks, Prongs,” Sirius said brightly. “That’s really cool!”
“Where’s yours?” Peter asked.
“Oh, Sirius has the original one,” James said. “I just thought… I don’t really need that reassurance anymore, you know? But I wanted to give you each one. Just to let you know, you know, how much having our friendship these past years has meant to me.”
The three boys gave him odd looks, not unlike the one Lily had given him. Surprised, confused, and a bit worried.
“I mean, thank you, James,” Remus said slowly. “That’s really kind and thoughtful of you.”
James shrugged. “We don’t say it much, but I just wanted to make sure you guys know that I love you all, a lot. You mean the world to me.”
Sirius looked a bit alarmed now. “Are you okay, Prongs? You’re acting like you’re going away to war or something.”
“This does sound a bit like a goodbye,” Peter agreed nervously.
“No, I’m fine,” James insisted. “Just in a bit of a soppy mood, I guess. Christmas does weird things to people. Let’s go, the girls will think our tournament has gone wrong and we’ve died or something.”
He left the dorm, leaving Sirius, Remus, and Peter to exchange concerned looks, and follow after him.
-{}-{}-{}-
Boxing day. The fateful day. The day after Christmas. The day James put his plan into action.
He had to see Regulus one last time, though. He had it carefully planned out - he’d spend the evening in the dorm with Regulus, leave just before curfew, citing a forgotten book in the library. The time should prevent anyone from trying to come with him. Then he’d head up to the Astronomy Tower, and that would be that.
He’d ensured he had the dorm to himself. Sirius wasn’t thrilled about leaving James alone up there with his brother, but he’d accepted it long ago, so he acquiesced. He was downstairs in the common room with Remus, Peter, and Lily. Marlene was in the Slytherin dorm with Dorcas, and Mary had a meeting with McGonagall about something to do with a Transfiguration mastery after school. They should be undisturbed for a while. James and Regulus laid in James’s bed, Regulus’s head on James’s chest, holding each other close. James closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, savouring the smell of Regulus. He smelled so good. Like a fresh spring rain, a hint of something floral, and a vaguely fruity scent.
“I love you,” James said, kissing the top of Regulus’s head.
Regulus looked up at him, smiling softly. “I love you, too.”
“I almost forgot,” James murmured, shifting slightly. “I had something I wanted to give you.”
“Christmas was yesterday, love,” Regulus said softly.
“Not for Christmas,” James said, laughing softly. “Just… because. Let me grab it.”
Regulus sighed, but sat up, allowing James to climb off the bed and to his trunk. He rifled through it for a moment, before finding what he wanted, and presenting it to Regulus, who looked immediately confused and concerned.
“Your invisibility cloak?” he asked.
“Yeah,” James said brightly. “It’s my last year, you know, and I reckon we’ve got all the use out of it we can. I’m sure you and your scary friends can find a lot of things to do with it. And whenever you use it, you can think of me, and know how much I love you.”
Regulus did not smile. He looked down at the cloak, his brow furrowed. “What’s… what’s going on, James?” he asked.
James felt his smile slip a little. “What do you mean?”
“You’re acting… weird,” Regulus said. “You keep giving things away, and giving big speeches about loving everyone when you do.”
“So?” James asked, leaning back a bit. “What’s wrong with telling my friends I love them? What’s wrong with wanting to give people things?”
“I just - Lily said something,” Regulus said, sounding like he was choosing each word carefully. “She said that… that she has a cousin who’s a therapist, like a mind healer in the Muggle world, and they’ve said that when people start acting like this… it can be a sign that something’s wrong.”
James felt his pulse speed up. “What do you mean, that something’s wrong?” he asked carefully.
“Like they might… they might be planning to hurt themselves, or something,” Regulus said. He looked up at James, right into his eyes. “Are you?”
James reared back, lurching to his feet. “What do you mean, hurt themselves? No, I’m not going to bloody hurt myself. I just want you guys to know that I care about you, why the fuck would that mean I’m going to hurt myself?”
“James,” Regulus said, reaching out for James’s wrist. He jerked it out of reach. “James, I’m just worried about you. We all are, a bit. You’ve been acting really weird the past couple months.”
“What do you mean, I’ve been acting weird?” James snapped. His heart was pounding in his ears, and his breathing was speeding up. He was panicking. He’d been so careful not to let anyone know anything was up - nobody was supposed to have noticed anything. “I haven’t been acting weird. I’ve been acting just the same as I always have.”
“No, you haven’t, James,” Regulus murmured. “Something’s wrong, we can all tell, but you won’t talk to us.”
James stared at him, mouthing wordlessly for a moment. The clock in the common room chimed. It was eight o’clock. Curfew was at eight thirty. He had to go now, if he didn’t want to get caught.
“I’m fine,” he said shortly. “I left my book in the library, I’ll be right back.”
“James, wait,” Regulus said, scrambling out of the bed, but James was already throwing the dormitory door open and hurrying down the stairs.
“James!” Regulus called, as James strode across the common room. “James, come back!”
“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, looking up from the couch. He and the others were sitting together, laughing, but the smiles died as James hurried across the room.
“Just remembered I left something in the library,” James said hurriedly. “Got to run, before curfew.”
“James, stop!” Regulus shouted. “You’re lying, I can tell when you’re lying! Where are you really going?”
James’s heart was hurling itself against his ribs like it was desperate to escape. He looked around at them all, slowly getting to their feet, looking alarmed now. Regulus was drawing closer. James rubbed at his arms.
“I’m not lying,” he said. “I’m going to the library.”
“No, you’re not,” Regulus said. “You’re lying. I think you’ve been lying, to everyone. Did you tell them you were giving me the cloak?”
“What?” Sirius asked, staring back and forth between James and Regulus. “Why… why did you give him the cloak?”
“Because I don’t need it anymore,” James said shortly. “Now, I’ve really got to go.”
He turned, but Regulus’s hand closed around his wrist. James whipped back around, wrenching his wrist out of Regulus’s grip, and felt his jumper sleeve ride up.
“What’s that?” Remus asked at once.
All eyes were on James’s arm. He yanked his sleeve back down, covering it, but it was too late. They’d seen, he could tell by the horror and panic in every eye that they had seen it.
“James,” Sirius said softly, moving closer, too, until he stood right in front of James. “What the fuck was that?”
“Nothing,” James said desperately. “I have to go, or I’ll get detention for being out after curfew.”
Sirius’s hand flashed out, catching hold of James’s wrist and pushing his sleeve up. James twisted and wrenched his arm, but Sirius had a tight, firm hold on him, and he wasn’t letting go. He pulled James’s arm towards him, staring in horror at the cuts and scars criss-crossing their way from his wrist up to his elbow. The common room was deathly silent. Everyone was staring at James, Sirius, and Regulus, standing in the middle of the room, suddenly frozen still.
“Is the other one like that?” Regulus asked, his voice quavering slightly the way it always did right before he cried. “James. Show me your other arm. Please.”
James couldn’t meet anyone’s gaze. Sirius released his wrist, but James didn’t pull his sleeve down. What was the point? They’d all seen already. Slowly, agonisingly, ignoring every bone in his body screaming at him not to, he pulled up his other sleeve, revealing his left arm to be nearly identical to his right.
Regulus put a hand over his mouth.
“Oh my god,” Lily choked out. “I… James, I knew something was wrong, why-”
“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” Sirius whispered, staring down at his best friend’s arms. “James, why wouldn’t you-?”
“Because I couldn’t,” James felt like the words were ripped from him against his will. “Because I can’t! Because I can’t be fucking sad, or worried, or in a mood! It’s not - that’s not my job! My job is to be there for everyone, and make everyone feel better, and be happy and helpful and the fucking sun all the time! I can’t have bad days, or be angry, or sad, cuz I’ve got nothing to be fucking sad about, but I am, and I’m so fucking tired! I’m drowning. I have to be bloody perfect at everything, and happy and cheerful and the center of everything all the time, but my fucking brain will never shut the fuck up! And I’ve been lying to you all, all year, because I’m just so fucking tired and sad and sick of everything all the time, but I’ve got nothing to be sad and tired about so I can’t say a goddamn thing, because how the fuck am I supposed to look at you two, or at Remus, or Lily, or any of you who’ve got real, actually real problems and shit to deal with and tell you that I’m on my way to pitch myself off the Astronomy Tower when there is no reason for me to be anything but happy?”
He broke off there, the weight of what he’d just said sinking in. His eyes were on Sirius, who was staring at him with wide eyes, looking shocked and absolutely terrified. Regulus let out a choked sound that sounded like a sob, but James couldn’t bring himself to look at anyone but Sirius.
“Is that where you were going just now?” Sirius asked, his voice smaller than James had ever heard it. “To the Astronomy Tower?”
James just stared at him, breathing hard. For all the words that had fallen out of his mouth a moment ago, he couldn’t force a single sound out now. He opened his mouth, but nothing escaped.
“James,” Sirius whispered, his voice completely broken. He took a step forward, and pulled James into a tight hug, clinging almost desperately to him.
James felt his knees buckle beneath him. The exhaustion he’d been fighting against for years seemed to all fall on his head at once, and he couldn’t keep himself up anymore. Sirius held on to him, lowering them both gently to the floor, and just hugged him. James couldn’t muster the energy to lift his arms to hug him back. He just sat limply on the floor while Sirius held him.
He felt another set of arms wrap around him and Sirius, and realised Regulus was hugging them, too. He was crying into James’s shoulder, holding him desperately as though terrified he was going to leap up and run away. He probably was, James realised with a jolt. James wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t going to.
More weight settled onto them, as Remus, Peter, and Lily joined them. They stayed there for a while, James sitting numbly in the middle while the others held him. After what felt like ages, they drew back. Sirius sat upright, but held on to both of James’s hands with his own.
“Listen to me, James,” he said, his voice soft but strong. “You are just as entitled to having bad days as anyone else. You are allowed to feel sad, and overwhelmed, and tired. You’re allowed to need someone to hug you while you cry, just like you’ve done for us who knows how many times. It’s okay to be sad. And it’s okay to come and talk to one of us when you do.”
“But… but I don’t have any reason to,” James argued, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I mean, you and Regulus have got all your shitty family to deal with, and Lily’s got her sister being such a bitch all the time - sorry, Lily - and Remus has to deal with being a fucking werewolf, and Peter’s dad’s on his case all the time. I mean, what am I supposed to say? Oh, my parents love me and I’ve got a bunch of great friends and I’m good at school, poor me?”
“You don’t need a reason to be sad,” Peter said. “Sometimes you just are.”
“My cousin went to school to learn about all this, James,” Lily said. “It’s called depression. There’s no reason for it, and it can happen to anyone, no matter how good their life seems to others. The chemicals in people’s brains can get out of balance, and it can make you really sad, even if there’s no external factor.”
“How long has this been going on?” Regulus asked, gently brushing James’s arm.
James glanced down at them, and tugged his sleeves down, before shrugging. “I dunno. A few months, I suppose.”
Regulus closed his eyes. Sirius seemed to be biting his knuckles.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this so long,” Regulus whispered.
“And I’m sorry,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry that none of us noticed. I’m sorry that you felt you couldn’t come to us, that you felt you had no right to be feeling this way. I am so fucking sorry that you’ve been fighting this for so long, and that you were alone while you did it.”
“Talk to us,” Remus said, his voice gentle yet firm. “When you start feeling sad, or tired, or overwhelmed, come and talk to one of us. I don’t care what anyone else is dealing with. I don’t care if we’re literally on the floor of the Shrieking Shack the morning after the full moon. If you start getting these feelings, then you come tell one of us right away. And if we can’t help you, we can get Madam Pomfrey, or McGonagall to help.”
“McGonagall loves you, mate,” Sirius said, a small smile on his face. “She’s basically your second mum at this point. If we can’t help you deal with something, she can.”
“Is there anything that you need to tell us?” Regulus asked. “Cry, or scream, or shout, or anything? Get it out.”
James hesitated. “I’m just… I’m so tired.”
His voice broke on the last word, and for the first time in his life, he found himself being held by all his friends while he cried. They held him, and rubbed his back, and gave him comforting words, and he let all the tears he’d suppressed for the past seven years out.
He didn’t know how long they sat there. Long enough that Mary and Marlene came back, and though they didn’t know everything that had happened, they immediately joined the hug on the floor. James could hear nearly silent whispers and knew they were being given the shorthand version of what happened, but he didn’t mind. It felt so good to let everything out, and to be the one receiving comfort instead of giving it.
Eventually, his tears ran out, and the group hug broke apart. He realised that everyone else had had a cry while he did, if the red eyes and wet faces were anything to go by.
“Sorry,” James muttered, wiping his face with his sleeve.
“Don’t you fucking dare apologise,” Marlene said sharply.
“I’m always down for a hug and cry,” Mary added. “Whenever. Come break into my house if you need to.”
They all laughed a bit, releasing some of the pent up tension that had been building in the room since James and Regulus had come down from the dorm.
“So,” Regulus said, taking James’s hand and holding it tightly, his voice sounding tense and afraid despite his efforts to make it casual. “Do you still feel like going to the Astronomy Tower?”
James looked at them all, sitting on the common room floor with him in the middle of the night (had it really been hours?). He smiled, small and a bit sad. “Not tonight.”
Regulus nodded slowly. “Promise me, that if you feel like going tomorrow, or the next day, or any time after that, you’ll come tell one of us before you go?”
James took a deep breath. He thought about it for a moment, and then locked eyes with him. “I promise.”
To his surprise, he meant it.