You were sitting in bed, alone, staring at your screen while your mind went numb. Your room was a mess and you haven't showered in days, and yet, you couldn't bring yourself to care. You were used to this. It'd happen every time something hurt you, every time something was too big for you to handle. You couldn't tell why this was one of those things, but it was.
You had spent the past hour scrolling through Jinx's Instagram, numb. She looked so happy. Most pictures were with Ekko. She had started dating him a month ago, and they might as well be planning their marriage. They were attached at the hip, inseparable. If you hung out with one, you automatically hung out with the other. That's how you and her used to be, some time ago, back before Ekko joined the picture and everything was a whole lot easier. It was simple. Now everything just became complicated.
You switched to your messaging app, staring at the one-sided conversation with Jinx. You sent her several messages. She wouldn't respond until weeks later. "Sorry, I just got busy. How have you been?" When you answered the question, you'd have to wait another three to five business days. So eventually, you stopped texting her. You grew apart. It's been a long time since you both spoke. It made that familiar rush of agony rush through you.
You threw your phone onto the bed and shoved your face into the pillow, wrapping the blanket around you like a cocoon, like it could protect you from the loneliness and pain you felt. You knew you should get up and get something to eat, something to drink, should shower and wash your face and get dressed like everything was fine and you weren't broken. Like your heart wasn't shattered and your head pounded as you felt everything and nothing simultaneously, all at once. You couldn't bring yourself to get out of bed and no one was going to check on you. So you stayed alone, trying to chase the coldness in your bones away with the warmth of your bed. It didn't help, but nothing would. Not now.
You were almost asleep, despite having slept for fifteen hours already today, when your phone buzzed. You almost didn't check it, almost didn't even bother. But when you picked it up to silence it, it went off again, and you saw Jinx's name on the screen. You hesitated, telling yourself you wouldn't check, but your fingers didn't get the memo, and you opened the message.
Hey cookie, you okay? Haven't heard from you in a while
You wanted to smile at the nickname. Maybe a couple weeks ago you would've. But now, you just felt your cheeks get wet with the few tears coming out of your eyes.
You decided to text back.
Yeah, I'm good. Sorry, just had a lot going on.
You bit your lip, dropped the phone onto your bed as you picked at your nails, waiting for a response. You braced yourself for an empty conversation, but she replied quickly. She was typing for two minutes, stopped three times, before a new message popped up.
Are you sure? Ekko told me I should probs check up on you. Said he hadn't heard from you either.
Of course. It was because of Ekko that she reached out, you thought bitterly. It made you feel numb again. You leaned against the wall your bed was aligned with and pulled your knees up to your chest as you thought on how to respond.
Yep. All good 😁
You figured it would be convincing enough. You were in so much pain, you didn't want her to know. You didn't want her to see your vulnerability, because that's pathetic and you didn't want her to judge you. You didn't want her to think you didn't have a life, like you were obsessed with her or something. But even so, you wanted to be seen by her, because maybe that would make the weight of everything a little more bearable. Maybe she'd comfort you, even if it's just as a friend. Maybe she could love you like she used to. You laughed aloud at the absurd idea. You weren't a person worth loving, and she knew it, and you knew it, and Ekko knew it. Everybody knew it.
Come on cookie, I know you better than that. You never use that emoji.
You rolled your eyes. Half because you didn't even consider she'd know that, half because it's not like she'd be willing to do anything about it.
Uh, yea I do.
No you don't.
There was a beat of silence as you thought about what to say next, but before you could type anything out, you saw her typing.
Can I come over?
You blinked at the screen. She used to come over all the time, and it didn't make sense why she would now after months of ignorance.
Your room was a mess, you were a mess, and everything was fucked. As much as the idea made you feel a little more okay, she couldn't come over. Not now. Not ever. At least, not for a while.
I want you to, but my house isn't very clean and I got some stuff I gotta do.
That's okay. I'll stay out of your way.
Then,
I've missed you. like a lot.
You paused at that, the emotions crawling into your throat and up your spine and out of your eyes. You didn't know if she was being serious. You didn't know what to believe anymore. Everything around you was a blur. Everything was jaded. You didn't know if you could believe her. You wanted to protect yourself from any more pain. All of your defense mechanisms were clicking into place. But could you turn her down?
Before you could overthink it, you sent another text.
I haven't showered and my room is a mess and I'm not really myself right now.
It took her exactly 1 minute and 47 seconds to respond.
I'm on the way.
You looked around, freaking out. You didn't want her to see you like this. You didn't want her to be disgusted by you. By how pathetic you are. By how hard you life is beating your ass. You didn't want her to pity you, or offer a comfort that will only make her inevitable departure hurt worse. You didn't want to screw up more than you already have, but you still couldn't bring yourself to do anything, so you cried as you scratched and picked at your lips, your nails, the skin of your hands. You cried because you could feel yourself falling apart, and this whole thing with Jinx has triggered something terrible within you. Something dangerous and angry and hurt and broken. Something that was there the whole time, waiting to tear you apart. When she arrived, you heard your front door open and shut, then your bedroom door, and you turned in your bed to hide your tear-stained cheeks.
Jinx said your name, and it made your heart break all over again. You felt the edge of the bed drop as she plopped onto it. You felt the familiar touch of her nails running through your hair gently. "Talk to me, cookie." She said. Her voice was raspy and soft and beautiful. It had been so long since you've heard it, you almost forgot about the rush of warmth in your chest at the familiar sound.
You sat up, sniffling and wiping your nose and eyes with your sleeve. She moved her hand from your head to your fingers, holding them tightly.
"I love you, Jinx."
"I love you too. Always."
"No, I mean..." You sighed, your voice feeling unsteady. "I mean I'm...in love with you."
She widened her eyes slightly, looking at me with pursed lips. "Oh."
You looked away, wiping your tears away again with your free hand. She still held your fingers tightly.
She exhaled, then looked at you. "Listen, you are the most amazing person I've met. Truly. You are epic, sweet, funny, cool, and I never ever want you to leave. But-"
"But you love him." You said. Your voice had a finality, a hurt, an accepted fate to it that was unexplained. And you felt more numb than you had ever felt before.
Her eyes glistened. She pouted. "But I love you too. It may not be the same way I love him, but it's still important to me. You're important to me. You understand that right?"
"I know." You said, your voice quiet.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." You said, pulling your knees to your chest and your hand out of hers. You averted your gaze.
She said your name again, her voice a quiet softness you don't think you've ever heard from her before. "Don't leave me, 'kay?"
"I won't." Although you thought to yourself, Unless you leave me first.
"Do you need me to stay?"
You shook your head, although everything in you was screaming otherwise. You wanted to scream, of course I need you to stay. Of course I need you here. But when you tried, you couldn't even get your mouth to open. Instead, you stayed quiet, even as she stood, even as she kissed your head and walked out the door, even as you couldn't hear her footsteps anymore and the absence of her touch felt like a ghost lingering on your skin. When the front door shut, when you heard her leave, you cried again, and this time, you weren't sure if you could stop.
You whispered one final time,
"Please. Just this once. Stay."