1977
Tuesday, 23rd August 19:03
Regulus and James have been sitting in the astronomy tower for a while now. It's the end of August. 23rd August, to be exact. Hogwarts started earlier this year due to some complications last year that caused school to end early. So this is their first night back. Neither of them has said a word yet. It's quiet. Peaceful. A little cold, but it doesn't bother them. The sun shines on them. It's beautiful that day.
“James?” Regulus finally says. He's fiddling with his hands. James has learned by now that Regulus always does that when he's nervous.
“Yeah?” James snaps out of his thoughts.
Regulus pauses for a second. He looks at James' eyes like he's searching for something. “Do you know why my star isn't visible right now?”
“No, I don't. Do you wish to educate me?” James asks jokingly, managing a smile.
Regulus muffles a cough.
“It's because it's too close to the Sun. The Sun is so bright that you can't see Regulus from next to it,” Regulus says, as if it was that obvious.
“Oh,” James replies, still not understanding where Regulus is going with this. Sometimes he feels like Regulus is purposely trying to make fun of his lacking knowledge. James tries to move closer, but Regulus puts his hand up, motioning for the boy to stay still.
“James," he says, turning his head back towards the sky. It's a bit dramatic. Reminds James of the other Black brother.
"What happens when a person gets too close to the Sun?”
“Well, they burn to death, I guess,” James answers after thinking for a second. James wasn't expecting Regulus to delve into some deeply metaphorical talk about astronomy, but whatever he wants to do is okay with James.
“That's right. They burn,” Regulus says flatly, finally looking up at James. James swallows hardly. It can be a bit of a task to make sense of this boy. He raises his eyebrows at Regulus, trying to get the other to keep talking.
“We all need the sun. Sometimes, you just happen to get too close to the Sun and then you burn,” Regulus says, his eyes slowly filling with an emotion not often present in them. “That's me, James. I'm Regulus and you are the Sun.”
It takes a moment for James to get what Regulus is trying to say.
“No. No, Regulus, don't. We don't need to,” he laughs it out. Why do all the Blacks have to be this dramatic? His lack of emotion disappears the second Regulus begins to stand up.
“Wait. Please don't do that to me. You don't have to burn. We'll figure something out. You can tell me if you feel unimportant or uncomfortable or really anything, Regulus. I mean, surely we can talk this out, yeah? This doesn't mean anything, I-” James rambles, hoping that whatever he thinks is happening isn't real.
“James. You don't actually want to be with me. You want Lily. You have always wanted her,” he takes a pause, clears his throat. Then he continues and gives, what in James' opinion is a shitty imitation of a smile.
“I think you deserve her too. She's better for you than I ever will be. I mean it's been years since you told her how you feel. You only ask her out with these ridiculously big proposals. I'm sure she'll say yes if you do it correctly now,” Regulus says, putting on a sad smile. It's small, but beautiful like ever. “I'm tired of always being the second choice. Lily this, Lily that etc. James, I can't do it.”
James shakes his head rapidly. “No, no, that's not true. Regulus, please, just listen to me. You've got it all wrong.”
Regulus clears his throat. “I'm done talking about this. I hope you and Lily get a happy ending.”
Regulus stands up again and a second later he’s out the door.
≈ ≈ ≈
Well that surely doesn't make any sense? Why don't we jump back a day or two:
Regulus and James aren´t exactly dating. They're in the phase where they're just learning to trust each other. That's why when Regulus sees James hang out more and more around Lily, his mind burns. It burns with confusion and all the what-ifs. What if James doesn't actually like him and is just trying to be nice?
James' reasoning is that he and Lily got closer during the summer and he really enjoys her company. He sees nothing wrong with that. He has no idea what he's making Regulus feel by doing that.
Regulus, on the other hand, gets really uncomfortable at the thought of his almost-boyfriend hanging out with the girl said almost-boyfriend used to like. Too stubborn to say anything, Regulus doesn't communicate his feelings. At least not for a while. Still, Regulus is not the kind of person to let someone make a fool out of him. He's a Black afterall. So he distances himself. Because that's what people do when they're mad at someone, right? And anyways, James can go on and date Lily if he wants, Regulus doesn't care.
Or maybe he just doesn't realise that the silent treatment his parents give to each other and their children is in fact not normal, but extremely toxic and damaging to one's self image.
So really, neither of the young boys are at fault, the problem is just the lack of communication. And who are we to blame them? They're just children afterall.
≈ ≈ ≈
19:46
Regulus is sitting alone in his dorm. Barty and Evan are at the library. Dorcas and Pandora are busy as well. It's just Regulus. So he sits there. And cries. Regulus normally isn't the kind of person to cry much. The last time he cried was like when he was about 13?
But now he cries until there aren't tears left to cry anymore. It's like on a hot summer day when the Sun is so warm that you feel like there isn't any water left in your body anymore. He feels so out of place. He's sure he did the right thing, though. Regulus isn't the kind of person who does stuff before thinking about it. He could definitely name quite a number of people in his family who do, but that doesn't mean he's one of them. It never felt like James truly, really wanted him. He's just a second choice. A sometimes. The cut that always bleeds. That's what Regulus is.
It started when he was just a child. His mother had been extremely mad at Sirius and Regulus that day for breaking an apparently very expensive vase.. It was the first time she locked them in a room. It wasn't as small as the cupboard she would later lock them in, but they were terrified the whole 2 hours. Sirius even tried climbing on the window and breaking it, but he was too short to reach it and Regulus begged him not to do anything to get himself hurt. That day Sirius vowed to escape that house. He was just 7 years old and the only thing on his mind was getting out of that house. Later, when Walburga finally decided to let them out of the dark, cold , empty and sorry excuse of a room, Sirius had run away. But Regulus didn't. Instead he forgave his mother. Because mothers are supposed to love you and know what's best for you. Regulus hoped that if he'd behave, maybe his mother would be nicer to him. He continued to hope, to this day, even with Sirius ran away and Orion on the verge of death, there's still hope in his heart that maybe, maybe one day his mother will come hug him and say “Hey, darling, I've been so horrible to you all this years and I know it's an awful lot to ask after all the pain I've caused you, but will you please consider forgiving me so from now on we can be closer as a mother and a son and love each other?” And Regulus would say yes, without hesitation. He knows he would.
But no, all these years his mother has continued to hurt him in ways physical and verbal. It hurts. Hurts so freaking bad. It's like a cut that always bleeds, because it never has time to fully heal, before something finds its way to injure it over and over again.
And now, it's very similar with James. James has always preferred Lily to him. A quick “Sorry, can't meet, hanging out with Lils” scribbled on a piece of parchment.
One day, Regulus decided that he was done. His friends have been telling him that for months and he finally listened. Decided to let go. To stop being the lover on a leash. The not needed, that can be replaced as easily as a hair tie. He's his own person. He can do it. He can survive without James. After the dramatic almost-boyfriends-breakup, a little part of him was hoping for James to run after him. To beg for forgiveness. Beg for him back. But nobody came. It was complete silence all the way to Regulus' dorm.
There's a knock on the door. Regulus quickly wipes away his tears.
“Yes?” he asks, trying to frantically put away anything that could indicate that he just finished a crying session.
“Just me,” he hears a familiar voice say. The blonde-haired girl slips in. There are days when Regulus doesn't feel like talking to anyone. But he'll always say yes to Pandora. She's like the other part of his soul, or that's what she says anyways. He'll always put Pandora over anyone.
“It has been done, I see,” she says after staring at the ceiling for a second. She specifically likes a certain place next to the window, she says it's because the lighting there is perfect at all times of the day. Looking away, she skips towards Regulus' bed and sits on it, flinging one of her legs over the edge. Her hair strands hang over her ears, slowly flowing together with the wind. “I think it was really brave of you,” she says finally while starting to trace the pattern of Regulus' blanket with her hand.
“I'm not brave.”
“I didn't say that. But it must have been a really hard thing for you to do and a huge step to take. That's basically society's definition of the word brave,” she says, her eyes wandering through the dorm. They're grey today, her eyes. Just like the storm that is slowly reaching the castle from the south. Regulus likes to look at the colour of people's eyes, because he thinks it shows away their intentions really well. For example, his brother's eyes get lighter when he's sad. Barty's eyes darken when he talks to his dad. Evan's and Dorcas' always stay the same. But Pandora's eyes change colour. They're green on some days, light brown on others and sometimes they're blueish. Regulus really likes the grey and blue variant of her eyes. They look pure and kind. Those are usually the days she is most dreamy.
“Can I braid your hair?” she suddenly asks, changing the subject. She always seems to know when to stop talking. Regulus thinks it's because Pandora can sense how he feels. That's what Regulus likes most about her. How she always knows what's best for Regulus.
Slowly, Regulus nods and lies his head down on Pandora's lap. It took him a long time to get used to physical touch after all the abuse he experienced in his childhood, but with Pandora it has always seemed to come naturally.
So they sit there. Pandora is braiding Regulus' hair. Just them in the room in perfect harmony.
≈ ≈ ≈
Monday, 29th August 17:21
It's been a week since Regulus ended things with him. A week of nothing. He's tried reaching out, but Regulus seems to be content with his decision, avoiding James with ease. James isn't sure if he ever will be the same again. His friends are there for him, but it just doesn't help. He doubts he’s ever going to feel whole again after this.
“Prongs?” Sirius' voice comes through the curtains.
“Pads, I don't want to talk about it.”
“I could go there, you know. I could talk to him. I'm his brother, he’ll have to listen to me,” Sirius tries desperately.
For a second, James could even feel something resembling a smile form on his face, but he must be wrong, because a moment later he feels like shit again. It can't be good if even Sirius can’t make him feel better. “No, Sirius, stop. It's what's best for him. Let's leave it like it is.”
“But-”
“Sirius, he said no,” Remus' voice comes from somewhere in the room. James hears Sirius scoff, but he doesn't seem to argue.
“Thank you, Moons,” James replies weakly.
“Of course. We'll do what's best for you James. Even Sirius will, he's just not used to being without you this long, you know? If you want to talk, we are here for you. Just wanted to remind you. We really miss you.”
“I know, I'm sorry.”
He hears the others whispering, but the footsteps fade out after a while and he's left alone in his never-ending sadness once again. A few minutes later James falls asleep in his scarlet bedsheets, wishing deeply they were pine green instead.
≈ ≈ ≈
Tuesday, 30th August 23:00
But Lily had other plans.
“Excuse me, can I talk to Regulus Black?” Lily asks, taking another step towards the Slytherin common room. A few boys next to the entrance snicker at that. Lily doesn't know their names. The boy Lily addressed is a little startled. His eyes go all wide, like he hadn't ever seen a girl before. Fucking boys, they're all idiots. He keeps staring for a little too long so Lily has to snap her fingers to get him out of his trance.
“Oh, uhm, yeah, follow me,” he says finally.
They enter the common room. It's very green, just like Lily was expecting. Lily has heard a lot about the room from when she and Severus were still friends. Lily hopes she won't run into Severus. She really doesn't have time to deal with that today. She came here for a reason and she's determined to accomplish it.
“This is his room,” the boy says.
“Wanna bet on how long she survives there?” Lily hears someone whispering. She has learned to ignore comments like that, but she still rolls her eyes. Then she knocks on the door. And she waits.
Waits.
Waits.
Waits some more.
When it has been 3 minutes and she's sure no one will open the door for her, she opens it herself. She might have whispered a quick “Alohomora,” but no one needs to know about that. She's basically a rebel at heart after spending so much time with Mary and Marlene. Alice is best at the spell, but she left Hogwarts last year and can't unfortunately do little dumb pranks with the girls anymore. Lily misses her quite a lot actually, they used to be really close.
After a while of looking around the room, Lily decides it's best to wait for Regulus to return from wherever he is. She sits on the floor, not wanting to sit on the ugly-coloured chairs. She likes to sit on the floor anyways, it's comforting in a way. Fortunately, Lily doesn't have to wait long.
“What in the Merlin-” Barty says after opening the door. Lily had forgotten that Regulus shares a room with him.
“Hi. I'm Lily Evans. Is Regulus with you? I must talk to him. It's important,” Lily says, standing up from the floor.
“Uhm, yeah,” he looks her up and down, “He should be here in a second. Oh, look!” the brunette says waving for Regulus to come in.
Regulus smiles at Barty, a little annoyed, but his smile fades the moment he notices Lily. “Hello. Lily, right? Look, I don't know why James sent you, but I really don't want to hear-”
Regulus is shortly interrupted by Lily. “No, it's not about him. Well, it kind of is,” she grimaces, “But I came by myself! He doesn't know about this. Can we go somewhere quieter?” Lily asks, walking out of the door.
“Oh, uhm,” Regulus looks back at his friends who are making disgusted faces at him. Lily never got why anyone would hang out with people like them. He looks back at her, nodding.
“Sure, let's go,” Regulus says, but he doesn't have much of a choice considering that Lily is already dragging him out by arm.
≈ ≈ ≈
23:10
So that's how they end up in a broom cupboard. A really small one. There's not much air.
“This will have to do,” Lily sighs. She then looks up at Regulus. “I have a proposal for you. But first, I want to know your view of the situation.”
“I don't have to tell you anything.”
“Well sure if you wanna be all miserable. But something tells me I could help you.”
“I don't need your help.”
“Yes and I have a polar bear sitting on my balcony,” she rolls her eyes.
“Fine. James has been really distant lately and I figured it's because he still likes you. So I helped the idiot out a little and broke up with him.”
“Okay, so let me get this right. You think he's still in love with me, correct?” Lily asks.
“Yes.”
“And you don't want anything to do with him, correct?” She notices the hesitation in Regulus. Those three seconds of thinking were too long.
She sighs, “Regulus. I need to know the truth, I promise I won't tell anyone.”
“I think I love him,” Regulus mumbles into his sleeve.
“Oh honey, this is bad,” Lily smiles softly.
“I know.”
Lily gathers herself. She has to try. This can only go two ways. “We'll fix it. My proposal is, me and you fake date to get back at James for continuously asking me out, which is annoying as hell and so you can make him feel like the second choice exactly like you do. So you know. Payback. It's a win-win.”
Regulus just stares at her for a second. “What?”
“Oh. Like you know, we pretend to date and-” Lily starts to explain, waving her hands.
“No, I know what fake dating is. Just. I thought you liked James back. You two always hang out and stuff,” Regulus stares at her with confusion.
At that, Lily bursts out laughing. “Me? Me and James? Together? Please. Pfft, that must be the funniest thing I have heard all year. Regulus, I've never had any romantic feelings for James,” she says, like that should be obvious. Well Regulus' expression doesn't seem to change.
“Yes you do, I saw you two together when you arrived at Hogwarts. James doesn't look at a friend that way.”
“Well you've got it wrong then, James is my friend. I don't like him like that. I actually do have my eye on someone right now, but I assure you it is not James,” she giggles, “Me and James? That's just hilarious.”
“Don't laugh at me. I didn't know,” Regulus pouts and crosses his arms.
“Aww, aren't you just adorable like that,” Lily teases and she can see Regulus trying to hold back a smile, “So, what do you say?”
A bubble of laughter escapes his mouth. “This is the dumbest and weirdest idea I have ever heard. I can't believe I'm even talking to you,” he shakes his head. A small smile comes on his face and if you look carefully, you can see a small twinkle in his eyes.
“I say yes.”
Lily smiles back. “Let's get out of here then, I can't breathe. It's past curfew as well. We can talk over the details tomorrow,” she explains, grabbing Regulus' hand to drag him out again.
They don't get very far before they see a face they would rather not see if given the choice.
“Children out! Children out after curfew!” Filch screeches and the two students run away giggling.
≈ ≈ ≈
Wednesday, 31st August 13:12
James hasn't got out of bed yet. He hasn't slept much either, which is seemingly weird considering he spent the weekend in bed. His brain is telling him to feel guilty about what happened, not going to practise, ignoring his friends. But he can't feel anything. Just overwhelming and enwreathing emptiness. Also the buzzing noise in his head telling him that he ruined everything and he doesn't even deserve to be here, but he can't find the energy to answer it. He can feel guilty later. Right now he is going to keep lying here, until he starts rotting and finally there will be nothing left of him. Just a bit longer. A few minutes. Or days. Or years. Or decades-
“James?”
“…”
“James? Hey, you awake?”
“Uhm, yeah. Is something wrong?”
A body slips through the curtain and sits on his bed. It's Sirius.
“Yes. You are.”
James shakes his head.
““I'm fine, really.”
“You're not.”
James sighs, “Well of course I'm not fine. No one is.”
Sirius raises his eyebrow, “Are you sick? The James I know would never say that.”
Somehow, somewhere deep inside himself, that gets to James. He's supposed to be the optimistic guy, not whatever this is. It kind of clicks in him. It's time to get himself together and if he can't act normal, he can at least be nice to his friends.
“You're right. I've been really down lately, I know you never really were enthusiastic about the whole me and Regulus thing, especially because you two aren't on the best terms exactly, but I really appreciate you not like, you know-” he breathes out exhaustedly, “getting all mad at me for what happened and like-”
“James. You're okay. I'm not mad at you at all, you're my best friend. I really do want what's best for you. What's going on between me and my brother doesn't and shouldn't affect your relationship with him. Just if you ever want me to go talk to him or just glare at him, let me know. I'm here for you just as I am for him, if he ever needs it,” Sirius pats him on the shoulder.
“Thank you, Pads,” James replies weakly.
They stare at each other for a second before Sirius pulls him into a hug. It's not a super long one, but long enough to be comforting. They're James and Sirius. Sirius and James. No matter what, they'll be okay in the end.
≈ ≈ ≈
Friday, 2nd September 16:33
"Okay, so…" Regulus starts, getting Lily's attention. "How do we do this?"
"You hold my hand, smile and just trust me. I'll convince them and you'll help them believe this is real. When things get out of hand, just kiss me. Is that okay with you?" Lily asks him.
"Yeah, that's fine with me. I trust you," he smiles fondly. Lily smiles back at him. She grabs Regulus' hand and looks towards it for a second. They fit together pretty well. Hers and Pandora's fit together even better though. She looks back up at Regulus with her reassuring smile.
"Let's do this then," she says and leads them towards the Gryffindor common room door.
≈ ≈ ≈
16:35
"Oh yeah, so for our halloween prank I was thinking that maybe we could-" Remus stops abruptly, as his eyes lock on something behind James.
"What? What is it? I swear to Merlin, if the third years made that ugly cake again," James starts, turning around to look at whatever Remus is staring at.
Remus's eyes widen and he catches James's hand before he can look. "No no, I think that's not the best idea. Let's just keep on talking, okay?"
Now James really wants to know what Remus had seen. Before he can catch himself, he is looking straight into Regulus's eyes.
He freezes.
Oh those beautiful grey eyes. He could stare into them for hours.
But no. Something is wrong. There is someone else. Someone is holding his hand. Is that-
"Am I seeing things or is that Regulus Arcturus Black holding hands with our Lily and laughing?" Peter sits down next to Remus, completely oblivious to James being mesmerised by Regulus.
"Peter," Remus hisses.
"What?" asks Peter, only then noticing James. He takes the shock on James' face as his que to leave and a second later also pushes away an energetic Sirius who was just about to dramatically enter the Great Hall. Sirius, like always, is not happy about that at all and scoffs a bit, but Peter doesn't let him push through.
James doesn't notice any of that of course. He is too busy figuring out what is going on. What does this mean? Why are they holding hands? Did he do something wrong? Was his and Regulus' fight really that bad? Has he moved on? God James hopes he hasn't. He can't have.
"Look James, it's probably nothing right? They are best friends, they probably do it all the time. I mean we hold hands all the time, right?" James' staring is interrupted by Remus. "Oh wait, fuck we don't," Remus realizes.
"Yes, we're dating," Lily confirms to someone and James's eyes shoot to her. He is so confused. This is all out of nowhere.
≈ ≈ ≈
16:48
“Hey, Lily?” Regulus calls out.
“Yes, dear?”
Regulus does his best to not cringe at the pet name. But they're right in the middle of the Great Hall so they obviously have to keep the image of the perfect relationship up. Regulus has enjoyed the fake dating a lot. At least up to a minute ago, when he found James staring at me, like a deer who can't move from the road once it faces the headlights of a car. He really has no idea where he came up with that comparison.
“Do you want to see a really cool place? It's nearby and I'm pretty sure you've never been.”
“But we just got here,” Lily starts, but a closer look at Regulus' face tells her, that this time she's the one who has to play along.
“Oh yes, I just thought that it was a bit stuffy in here, let's go.”
Regulus takes her hand gently and they make a departure, which is almost as grand as their previous entrance.
Once they are alone, Lily starts to worry.
“Is everything okay, Reg?”
“Yeah, sure. I just really wasn't in the mood to talk to all the curious people right now. Interviews aren't really my thing. And James was right there-” his breath hitches.
“Oh you darling, don't worry I get it. We don't have to be there right now.”
“Okay,” Regulus says and for the next few minutes they walk in silence. They stop on the 2nd floor main corridor in front of a random wall. Regulus tries to concentrate on opening the door, but his mind is kind of full from everything that's been happening lately.
At one point he notices that Lily is looking around warily, as if checking that no one is looking at them. It must look kind of stupid to her, now that he thinks about it. He's staring at a random wall in the middle of the corridor.
“Right, I forgot you've never been there. Lily, tell me, if you could have a room of whatever you wanted right now, what would it be?”
Lily stares at him blankly, but once she realises that the Slytherin boy isn't joking she offers, “Maybe a library?”
Regulus raises his eyebrow, judgingly.
“Hey, I wasn't finished,” she scoffs. “It'd also have a built-in amusement park and a flower garden on the side. Oh-oh! And free icecream as well! But why are you asking?”
“Look at the wall.”
“Regulus, this is kind of weird if I'm being fully honest. I know you're not that keen on fake dating, but- Merlin, where did that door come from,” she gasps.
Regulus smiles. “Open it.”
She doesn't so Regulus just opens it himself and walks right in. It takes Lily a second, but eventually she follows.
“Oh my Regulus, is that an actual ride? Can I touch it?” she asks, but already doing so. When it's solid she gasps again, “this is so cool. It's criminal that you didn't show me this place earlier. What is this place even?”
“It's the Room of Requirement. It becomes whatever you want it to be, if you require it. But Lily, I'm the only person who knows about this, at least I was until now, and I'd really love for it to stay that way. Can you please not tell anyone you came here?”
“No, of course. But we have to come back all the time.”
Regulus chuckles. “Okay, we will. But now you know, if you can't find me anywhere, then don't give up before you've checked here.”
“Will do. Can we go for a ride now?”
By the time Regulus starts to open his mouth, Lily is already halfway there, with her red hair waving around in the wind.
≈ ≈ ≈
19:54
“This is insane,” Lily gasps out after they've spent the rest of the evening picking flowers and trying out all the cool rides.
“Right?”
“How did you even find it,” she wonders.
“Uhm,” he laughs. “That's actually a really long story.”
He thinks Lily would leave it to that, but when she keeps glaring at him, he continues.
“Well, I was in 4th year and I needed a very specific ingredient for potions class. Like it didn't even really exist. It's found in the leaves of a plant that only grows in Antarctica and is extremely rare. Even if I found it, I wouldn't have had the right conditions to grow it or even work with it. It had to be the right time of the year, temperature and soil for it to be used correctly in the potion I was planning to make. And one day when I was frantically trying to come up with ways to get it, I stumbled across a door that took me to here. Later I did my research, obviously, and found out this place is called the Room of Requirement, but otherwise that's the story, yes.”
“And you're the only one that knows about it.”
“That I know of, yes.”
They sit in silence for a while, but Lily suddenly breaks it.
“Hey, can I ask how are your feelings for James currently?”
He sighs. "Lily, I still like him. If I'm being entirely honest, then I'm scared I won't ever get over him."
“Don't be an idiot, Reg. Of course you will. But I don't think that's the question.”
Regulus lifts his head.
“The question is: do you want to get over him?”
And with that question Regulus sits. He lets it sit with him for days. He thinks and thinks. But maybe that's the problem? Regulus doesn't know the right answer to that question. So he makes a decision instead. He'll give James a week to do something and if he doesn't, he will move on.
≈ ≈ ≈
Saturday, 3rd September 15:07
James has been lying in his bed ever since the incident. He just doesn't know what to do. It's a bit cold in the dorm room, but it doesn't matter to James. Nothing does.
Regulus looked happy, so James isn't going to do anything. Regulus deserves only the best and James certainly isn't that.
It's fine. It's just that. James lost the only two people he has ever liked.
Regulus always told him he wanted to go on an airplane. They were supposed to go on one together.
Now they never will. Because James is an idiot. He ruins things, ruins people.
≈ ≈ ≈
Sunday, 4th September 15:02
“James, do you have a quill? I think I left mine with Lily when we were studying together yesterday.”
“Uhm, I'll check quickly,” James starts shuffling through his bag, which has no order whatsoever due to the lack of pockets.
“No, it's all good. Take your time.”
“No, I want to.”
James continues searching for it. Why does he have half eaten apples and Mary’s lipstick in it, but the one thing he essentially needs as a student is missing?
They're sitting in the library. Peter managed to bring him out of the dorm with a promise of buying him his favourite Quidditch team’s new poster as a Christmas present. They played chess for a while, but Peter just remembered that he has to hand in an assignment the next day, (completely insane, they just started school, Peter almost cried in class when he realised they have homework), so they decided to have a quick study session while they're at the library anyways.
“Sorry, must’ve left it back at the dorm. I can run for it if you want to?”
“No it's all good, don't trouble yourself. Seriously (because Sirius also says this a lot) James, you don't have to do anything the second someone asks you to. We can manage,” Peter pats him on the leg.
“Yeah, James,” Marlene is sitting on the couch right next to them with her girlfriend Dorcas. They're currently painting eachother’s nails and people watching.
James scoffs. “Why am I not allowed to help my friends every once in a while?”
They all raise eyebrows at him.
“What?”
“James, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're a people pleaser.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“No.”
“James,” Peter presses.
“Cmon, not you, Pete. We're best mates after all.”
“If you're not a people pleaser then I am secretly a panda bear,” Dorcas states while twirling Marlene's hair around her hair.
“Shit that he is then, because I'd love it if you were,” Marlene beams up at Dorcas with her big doe eyes.
“I'll be whatever you want me to be, just say the words,” Dorcas starts to lean in to kiss the other girl, but quickly gets interrupted by Peter and James throwing pillows at them and screaming “Get a room!” which also gets interrupted with Madame Pinch kicking them out of the library for making too much noise and with that, the so-called James-Is-A-People-Pleaser-Talk gets left behind.
≈ ≈ ≈
18:08
"I'm going there," James stands up. The two newfound lovers have entered the room once again and James isn't going to just sit by and stare his eyes off. It's just been a day since their last glamorous appearance, can't they see that this isn't okay to do?
"No, James don't. Please, you aren't thinking," Remus tries frantically.
"I'm sure there's a very reasonable explanation for this," James says and leaves towards the stairs without waiting to hear Remus' answer.
"Reg," James says sturdily, when he finally reaches the couple and Regulus finally turns to look at him.
Finally.
James has missed those eyes looking at him like they know all his darkest secrets. Which they probably do.
"Potter," Regulus states and James immediately knows he isn't actually so calm as he looks.
"Don't you dare call me Potter like I'm nothing to you," James hisses.
James can hear people gasping, but honestly, he couldn't give a damn about what others think right now.
So James grabs Regulus's hand and drags the resisting boy away, pushing through the confused group of students on the way.
They exit the common room where James stands still for a second deciding which way to go. They somehow end up in a third floor broom cupboard, which James shoves Regulus into.
"Regulus what is this?" James demands immediately after closing the door.
Regulus takes a step back. "I should be the one asking that, you are the one who dragged me here. You are absolutely crazy, James."
"Regulus. Stop. You know what I am talking about," James snaps, stepping forward. He can feel Regulus' breath on his neck.
Regulus inhales and looks up at James. His eyes remained unreadable. ''I'm dating Lily."
James' breath hitches. No. It can't be real. It must be some cruel joke. "I know you're not, don't play with my feelings like that."
"Oh, but I am. Maybe I was a little too gentle when we broke up. Let me tell you how I truly feel. How does it feel now? Feeling what I've always felt. Always the second choice. I had Sirius. Until you came along and stole him from me. James Potter you have ruined my life in the worst ways possible,'' Regulus spits out and James feels his heart break.
''So I asked Lily to date me. And she said yes. Isn't that weird, James? I only had to ask once. Oh, how the tables have turned. Maybe it's not always about being popular and annoying," Regulus bites out and leaves the room.
The only thing that remains in the cupboard is a heart shattered into millions of pieces.
≈ ≈ ≈
Monday, 5th September 14:44
There's a knock on the door. Of course there is, someone always wants to talk to James when he's feeling the worst.
“James, my darlinggg,” Lily's voice rings through the door, “I've brought you some cinnamon rolls and Remus sent some tea as well.”
Lily adores cinnamon rolls. James didn't for a long time, but he learnt to love them for her.
“Yeah, I'm in here.” He isn't sure if he wants to see Lily right now, especially after the events of the previous day, but he has to at one point, so why not get it over with.
He can hear Lily pulling the door open and silently slipping in. A tray of teacups are being put down on the counter. The sound of rushing water. Lily always washes her hands first thing when entering a new environment. The water stops. Silent footsteps. And the sound of the curtains opening.
“Come on, let's get you some daylight,” a bright smile greets him.
They end up sitting on the floor, the cinnamon rolls layed out in front of them. The sun is bright indeed that day, that James can agree on. Lily opened the windows as well, explaining that some fresh air would do him some good. James thinks that overall being around Lily is doing him some good. She has that effect about her. Making everyone's day a hundred times better.
“So,” she starts, her mouth filled with a bite of another cinnamon roll. They're extra good that day. “How are you feeling?”
“You're dating Regulus,” James states.
“I am,” she says after a second's pause.
“Why?” he asks with sincere confusion.
She takes another bite and chews it slowly. After swallowing she wipes her mouth with a handkerchief. “Did you and the boys do anything fun today? I heard Sirius say something about-”
“Lily,” he begs, “Please don't change the subject. I've never been so confused in my entire life.”
If only James knew about the guilt rippling in Lily's heart right now.
“I mean, it's nothing that serious obviously, we're just enjoying our lives a bit.”
James swallows the jealousy and confusion he's feeling. Not everyday the only two people you've ever liked start dating each other. But Lily's happiness is important too, so he pushes the feelings away. “Are you happy with him?”
At that, Lily smiles a bit. “I am, yes.”
“Lily, just to get this out. You know I don't like you like that anymore, right? I know I treated you quite shittily, asking you out in front of everyone weekly and all that. I fear at the time I just didn't know how else to show my feelings. I hope you can forgive me,” he holds his breath saying this.
She takes his hand fondly, “It's all already forgiven, James. Just don't you dare do it again.”
He laughs at that, “I promise.”
So they go on to talk about topics completely different to this, both of them unknowingly avoiding the topic of Regulus for the sake of the other.
≈ ≈ ≈
18:07
"Do you think this is wrong what we're doing?"
Lily raises her head slowly from her knitting work. They're hanging out in a lonesome tower once again. Their fake dating business discussions are slowly becoming more enjoyable in each other's company and they also often include small gossip sessions. But sometimes the talk does indeed go back to the reason why they're hanging out in the first place. The business part.
Lily's eyes stay unreadable and her face straight. "That depends on what is wrong."
Regulus looks away, pinning his stare on the owl gliding near the window instead. He doesn't know. That's actually why he asked in the first place.
“But if you want to know, then I don't think it's wrong. But I have been thinking and it is getting a bit out of hand. I talked to James earlier today and he seems to love you very much. In my opinion, you broke up with him in a bit of a rush.”
“Lily, I'm telling you. James still likes you. How do you not realise that?” he's getting a bit annoyed at this recurring conversation. He thinks he'd realise when someone, especially James loves him.
Lily sighs. “Fine. Believe that if you're so sure. But I know he doesn't. He actually even told me that today. We're just friends. Why do you have to be so stubborn about this?”
“I'm not stubborn, I'm being fair.”
“Regulus, we both know you're not. I don't get why you just can't go talk to him about this. Listen to him talk about his feelings and then tell him what you wish to say. If you did that and got back together I could go tell him my reasoning about everything and we'd all be fine again.”
“Fine. I'll consider it when I see him next.”
“Thank you, please do.”
“Yeah, whatever.” The truth is, now that this has gone on for a while, Regulus has no idea how to approach James or the situation at all. He's been pushing the whole thing out of his mind for now. There are too many feelings involved in it. They've gone so far with the fake dating that Regulus fears he won't be able to stop at all.
He misses James a lot.
≈ ≈ ≈
Tuesday, 6th September 04:18
Regulus isn't a mean person. He isn't a sad person either. To be honest, Regulus doesn't know if he could fit into a certain type of person at all. Sure, he's not a good person. But does that immediately have to make him a bad one? That's a question he struggles with often. Yeah, what if he doesn't like helping every single random person with carrying their books or holding the door for every girl that passes by? That's not his problem and he doesn't care to make it one. But does that mean that he has no manners? Well what even are manners.
Regulus thinks that the reason most people don't waste their time thinking about stuff like this is because they have friends unlike him. Sirius certainly does.
Talking about the devil, that's exactly who enters Regulus' dorm. Why the fuck is the idiot here at 4 in the morning.
“Sirus, what the fuck?”
“Shh,” the older boy whispers smirking, “Wouldn't wanna wake your roommates up now, would you?”
Quietly, Regulus makes his way out of the room, following Sirius.
“How the fuck did you even get in?”
“That's a story for another time,” Sirius says and whistles into the night.
“Where are we even going?”
“Just a place I know.”
“Everywhere is a place you know.”
“My dear brother, if you'd just shut up for a second, maybe we'd actually have a chance of getting there before Filch finds us and makes us polish his shoelaces.”
Regulus scoffs.
Sirius scoffs back.
“We're here,” Sirius declares after 5 more minutes of sneaking around the castle. He switches on the light. Regulus blinks a few times to get used to the bright lights in the room.
“Sirius,” he says after looking around, “Did you just make me go through half the castle just so we could come to a slightly bigger broom cupboard?”
“So I did, Reggie,” he pats the younger one's shoulder.
“What is wrong with you?” he sighs, taking a seat on an upside down turned bucket.
“According to our parents, everything.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Stop being witty. Instead, tell me why you brought me here.”
“It's about my brother.”
“I am your brother, you idiot.”
Sirius yawns, “My other brother.”
That gets him. Every single time, that gets him. The fact that Sirius considers someone else his brother other than him will always continue to get him.
“Right.”
“You see,” Sirius starts, leaning on one of the plenty brooms, “I promised to James I wouldn't talk to you about what's going on between the two of you. And technically, I'm not. I'm just going to tell you a little story,” he says and manages to stumble on the broom he's leaning on. He gets back up quickly, wipes his trousers clean and flashes Regulus, who stared at him the whole time totally unsurprised, a quick smile.
“One day, there was a little deer.”
“Here it comes,” Regulus complains.
“Don't interrupt me,” Sirius pouts, “Now where was I? Ah, right. The deer. So one day the little deer is walking in the little forest between the little trees. And one day, the little deer sees a little flower. He immediately gets really fond of the flower. The flower isn't very nice to be honest. It pouts a lot, but the deer really enjoys its company. But one day the flower sees the little deer greet another flower and gets a bit jealous. So the little flower tells the little deer that he doesn't want to see the deer anymore. The deer gets really sad. Hides away all alone and everything is sad for him. His fondness for the flower doesn't get any smaller though,” Sirius tells the whole story with a straight face and then stands up once again. “Now personally me, if I knew the flower, I'd tell him to stop being selfish and apologise to the little deer.”
“Sirius-”
“I don't wanna hear it. He's allowed to have other friends, you know? The little deer. It doesn't immediately mean he doesn't like the flower anymore.”
Regulus starts to protest, but suddenly, Sirius starts to change shape. He grows taller and his face disappears completely. And like that, it's all gone. Regulus wakes up to another weirdly sunny day.
The same day, he sees Sirius and hears him mutter something about a little deer while walking past him. He'll always be left to wonder whether it was a dream or not.
≈ ≈ ≈
16:05
James is sitting in the library once again. This time with Sirius, Marlene and Peter. “I think James is irritated about something,” Remus says, plopping his books down and throwing his legs over the bench, landing just next to Peter.
“It's gotta be the quill,” Marlene smirks.
“Shut up,” James punches her lightly.
“What quill?” Sirius asks, leaning his face on his elbow like he always does when he knows he's going to win whatever argument is going on.
“Marlene, I swear to god if you-” James threatens, but Marlene shakes her head at him, motioning for him to be quiet.
“It's all good, James. You can't lie to Sirius anyways.”
“Prongs is lying to me?” Sirius jumps up from his elbow. His eyes enlarge, “Oh my deer, how could you do such a horrible thing to me. I've only ever been good to you. I've spent years and years in labor just for you to have a happy and rich life, giving up all my nights and working throughout the year. What could've happened? It must be the evil quill that has got to you. Oh my, I think I'll faint now. It's just so-”
“Shush, Pads,” Remus rolls his eyes. Somehow it works and Sirius sits back down.
“So,” Sirius bats his eyelashes, “What quill are we talking about?”
James glares at them.
“Did you just shut up for a second just because Moony told you to?”
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Sirius puts on his confused face.
Has James missed something? Wait. Could it be. His eyes widen at the realisation. “Wait, Pads, are you and Moony?” He doesn't fully finish the sentence.
“You must've been the last one to catch on. James the oblivious,” Marlene says, not really glancing up from the book she's reading over Remus' shoulder.
“What?” James asks, “You knew?”
“Yeah, we all did,” Peter yawns.
“But not me? I thought I was the best mate,” James gasps.
“Guys, stop talking,” Sirius starts, which makes everyone look in his direction. “I still wanna know. What quill?” Sirius asks in his half-angry childish manner. That makes everyone erupt into laughter.
≈ ≈ ≈
18:52
The Astronomy tower is a very calming place for James. Many memories lie under the last three steps to the tower. The second to last step creaks when you step on the left side of it. James can be alone here. Free. He can have all these different thoughts and no one is disturbing him. He doesn't have to worry about anything up here. Only the stars can hear him.
He didn't come up here much. It's Regulus' and Sirius' place afterall. But James can't help but feel that this belongs to him as well.
This was where Sirius first told him that James was his best friend. That was also the first night they ever cried together.
He had his first kiss here. It was a very lovely night at the end of April. The girl was also really cute.
This is where Regulus and him went on their first date. They were watching shooting stars.
Unfortunately this is also where Regulus and him went on their last date. James doesn't think he will ever get over that.
James has never really thought of dying before. Not much at least. Sometimes he gets intrusive thoughts. But he doesn't want to die. James loves life. In a weird way. He hasn't had a reason to want to die before. Yeah, sure there have been moments when everything is too much and anywhere would be better than here, but he has never wanted to actually die.
James knows he actually would never kill himself. This is just a what-if. Right?
He thinks about it. But not like actually. He's not even sure what people really feel or think like when they think like this. Or what this should feel like. Sometimes he considers that maybe none of the feelings he feels are actually feelings. He's not even sure he ever feels. Like feels at all. Anything. Even the feeling of emptiness. He feels nothing. But in a way,he also feels a lot of guilt. Guilt for what he did to Regulus. Guilt for having had fun with his friends the past few days, when he should be in his room sobbing about what a horrible person he is. Guilt has never really been James' thing. And he's really grateful it isn't. He has seen what Sirius gets like sometimes. Sirius feels immense amounts of guilt for everything he does. James really hates Sirius' parents for it. They're one of the greatest sources for it. The way it affects him is so sad and sometimes James doesn't know how to comfort him. But Sirius is happy now, after he ran away, and that's all that matters.
So this is all very strange to him. He isn't really sure what he is thinking.
He probably shouldn't be allowed to even think like this. He shouldn't be allowed to be sad about anything. That's so disrespectful to people who actually have serious problems and struggle to just get through a day. His stupid problems are miniature next to all that. (little does he know his feelings are valid no matter what they are or WHEN they are)
Still, he can't stop himself from wondering what it would be like to die from falling down off this tower. Would it be a quick death he barely notices or would it hurt? James has no idea. It's pretty high up here, but not that high. Or is it? Why is he even thinking this? (Babe has ADHD, but he has to wait about 20 more years for it to be recognized, poor James.)
James thinks that if he did jump, it should hurt. It would be dumb if it didn't. Some small voice in his head tells him that he's a horrible person and that he deserves to get hurt. That he doesn't deserve good things. Doesn't that make perfect sense? He has to stop thinking like that. Remus would tell him to stop thinking like that. He never tells Sirius about these things, but Remus gets it, so they talk sometimes.
So here he stands. Wondering if he should jump. Not that he will. He can't. He doesn't even want to. Not really. He wouldn't do it to his friends. His mum and his dad. His teachers. They all care about him and James knows it. James is grateful.
He should let go of the railing now.
So that's what he does. He takes his hands away and stares at them for a second. He lets go even though it felt safe holding onto the railing like that. Knowing that it is all that separates him from life and death is a comforting feeling. Kind of has always been like that for him. He's like Sirius in that matter. Dangerous things excite him, they make him feel like he's living life to the fullest.
His eyes are still filled with tears, but he isn't going to cry. Not here.
"James?" comes a voice from behind him.
It's Remus. Of course he shows up a minute after James thinks about him.
"Hey Rem," James replies, quickly wiping away the tears that are now running down his chin.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking. Needed some time alone to think." James doesn't know where to put his hands so he just starts fumbling around with the collar of his shirt.
"I just wanted to come check on you since you've been so distant lately. Do you want to talk about it?" Remus shifts closer. "I mean it's been a while, at one point you have to let others help you, James. You can't keep it all inside forever, you need to let others take care of you. We are here to help you after all."
He stares at Remus for a second. There's so many thoughts going around in his head right now. Pandora would say it's the nargles. She says there is a lot in the Astronomy tower. He scratches his head. He must've rubbed it too hard last night, because it hurts to scratch. James sometimes scratches his head in his sleep. Trying to shut the rest of the thoughts away, James settles on the easiest thought. "I'm really not sure what to say. I'm not exactly sure how to describe all the thoughts in my head," he wipes his tears on the left sleeve of his shirt, blinking a few times to make sure his eyelashes don't get in his eye.
Remus looks at him, sighing. "Is it about Regulus?" he tries.
James blinks. Everything is confusing. What is going on? Is this a dream? Must be. He pinches his arm. It hurts. Probably is real then. He notices has been pacing around without even noticing. How does it keep happening? He clutches his head and slides down against a pole. He takes a breath and then looks up at Remus again, who is still watching his every move with complete calmness. James appreciates the latter.
"How do you know that? Did he tell you something? Has he talked about me? Oh my god, Remus, you need to tell him this for me, listen-" he gets cut off by Remus again.
"No, James, stop. He hasn't told me anything. I'm just assuming since I know you really love him and he has also been acting strange lately.”
“Oh.”
It stays quiet like that for about half a minute. Then James breaks it.
"I think I'm broken."
Remus looks at him for a while and then smiles. His smile is really lovely. Especially when he smiles at Sirius, it's such a light and warm smile. James likes when people smile, if you can't tell already.
"No, James, don't say that. You aren't broken. People aren't broken. You can be bruised, sure, but you are not broken. Did you hear that? You're not broken. There's nothing to fix. Your imperfections make you who you are. They are why everyone loves you. You are loved, James, I swear. Everyone loves you. Me, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Marlene, even Regulus. I promise you, he does love you."
Silently Remus sits down next to James and offers him a tissue.
Secretly, James knows what Remus said is true. He really does. It's also really funny when Remus talks all serious like that. Usually he doesn't get too deep into talking about his feelings. It's the complete opposite of James. That's why it's extra funny that Remus is only like that with the boy who is like that with everyone. Remus seems to get what James is thinking by the way James is smiling.
"James, stop laughing. I know, I know. Oh my life, stop! This is the most cringe thing I have ever said in my life. Please forget this conversation. I swear if you tell anyone-" Remus argues until he suddenly lets out a giggle and bursts into laughter as well. There are tears running down his eyes and he tries to hide them, but James takes his hands and falls into him so now they're laughing together. It takes a while for them to calm down.
Remus finally gathers himself and tries to put on a serious face. James finds it really funny, the way he looks very calm one second and the next their eyes meet and Remus is rolling on the floor again, pulling James with him.
"Okay, James, listen," Remus starts and James giggles back at him.
"James, stop. This is very serious."
That earns Remus another spurge of laughter and a "No this is very Remus actually."
"I'm going to leave you here now, idiot. Sit here. Don't move. Don't do anything dumb. Eat chocolate. I'll bring Regulus here and you two will fix this dumb misunderstanding," Remus repeats calmly, throwing some chocolate at the other boy. James starts to protest, but Remus shushes him.
"James, I am many things, but in no way am I an idiot. He doesn't hate you. So shut up. I know what a person in love looks like. And that boy loves you. As much as you love him, if not more. He probably had a really good reason to do what he did."
James has no idea how Remus knew this was about the Regulus situation. But he really is grateful.
Like reading his mind Remus nods, "It's pretty obvious how you look at Regulus and Lily. I know it hurts you and that's okay. It's supposed to hurt. But it's fixable," Remus pauses. "James, are you sure you are okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Really. Please don't worry. Just a lot of things have been going on lately and I wanted to be alone for a little while."
"Okay. James. I believe you. You're my best friend, I'll always care for you and I'll notice stuff whether you want it or not. You have to know that," Remus emphasises.
"You're my best mate too, Remus," James smiles fondly.
Remus smiles back, finally turning around and leaving James to prepare for what's coming.
≈ ≈ ≈
20:49
"James."
James turns his head towards the source of the voice. "Regulus."
"You can call me Reg, it's okay."
He nods, not knowing whether he should begin or wait for Regulus to say something.
“Okay so. Remus told me to come here. So, hey, I'm here.”
“That's all you’ve got to say. You're telling me that after totally playing with my heart and ignoring me without explaining anything for weeks all you have to say is that you only came, because Remus told you to? No, I'm not mad or anything, I’m just surprised that Remus has an influence like that on you.”
"How dare you say that I played with you. James, you broke my heart by loving her instead of me!" Regulus bursts out.
James wasn't expecting that.
"Do you want to know the truth? Yeah? I never actually dated Lily. I just wanted to hurt you. Make you feel like the second choice. In the hope that maybe then you could understand me. Don't you get it, James? I can't just be with you. I can't just depend on a person who doesn't even want me," Regulus croaks. "Look, I know I hurt you. Really bad. And you don't deserve any of that. But the truth is I never actually meant any of what I said in the cupboard. And even if I did, it doesn't matter to me. Because I love you, James."
James starts to open his mouth, but Regulus puts a finger to it.
"No, wait, listen to me before you say anything. It's just that this is all so new to me and I don't know what to do. I never know. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm being swallowed by the world. Everyone expects so much of me and I'm so overwhelmed. I know it's not your fault, James, it's just me being me. I wish the world would just stop for a second so I could take a really deep breath. I haven't breathed in so long. I think this is what drowning feels like. Sometimes I feel like drowning would be easier. All of this pain would stop."
He takes a moment to wipe away the tears and continues. "I know I'm selfish, James. I just can't change that. I want you all for my own, but you love Lily. She's my friend and I should want the best for her, but I want you all for myself. Like something nobody can take away. I have had everything taken away from me. I just wanted one thing to be mine. But, James, if you do truly love her, then I can't ask you to stay. You can leave if you want. I won't stop you. You deserve so much better. James, you deserve the sun and the stars, unfortunately I don't have the ability to bring them to you, but I'm sure someone out there does."
That was really unexpected. James doesn't know what to do. He really wants to take Regulus in his arms, but Regulus probably doesn't want physical touch at that moment. He has problems with that and it's understandable why. James also understands what Regulus means. He feels so bad for not making sure that Regulus knows James loves him. Oh how he does love him.
Yes, a few years ago James might have been conflicted, which of them to pick and James won't deny it, his eyes did linger on Lily everytime she passed him, but he's past that. Lily and him are just friends. That's what it was always gonna be. Yes, James still does love Lily. But he also has accepted that Lily won't ever start to like him, regardless of what he does to win her attention. They are better off as friends anyway. And James is fine with that. Now that he has had time to think about it, him and Lily wouldn't have worked out. They are similar in lots of ways, but as a couple they would've had lots of difficulties, because they view the world so differently. James doesn't regret loving Lily. No, loving Lily was definitely very important for his growth. But he hurt Lily along the way by being too obtrusive by asking her out all the time. James realized that maybe he didn't even like Lily so much, he just loved the attention that he got from others by asking her out so often.
But loving Lily doesn't mean that he can't love anyone else.
Now James only has eyes for one.
"Oh Reg. Come here," James says, pulling Regulus into his arms. He doesn't remember it happening, but they must've sank down together, since they were now sitting next to the tower's railing with Regulus on James's lap and their legs tangled together. "I hate nothing more than seeing you cry," James soothes him gently.
"I didn't know that you felt like that, Reggie. I'm not going to lie to you, I still do love Lily." James confesses. He can hear Regulus let out a small whimper and start to pull away, but James doesn't let go. No, he is never going to let go of Regulus.
"No, wait Reg. The thing is, I love you. Like so much. And this, this is different. I have never loved someone like this before. I definitely enjoyed the attention I got from chasing after Lily way more than I actually liked her. I was such a horrible person back then. Oh god. I really need to apologise to her again," James grasps his own hair a little frantically.
"But now's not the time. Just us. Let this be just us, okay? Just me and you. Please take me back. Please, Reg, I do need you here,” James tries, saying everything slowly to make sure that Regulus understands everything he is saying.
"You love with everything you have, James. I really value that about you. Of course I'll take you back. I'll always take you back. I'm sorry I was with Lily. It was an awfully cruel plan, I know, I really do. I wasn't thinking fully with my head and made not the best decisions, but James, I just can't do it without you.”
"No, don't be sorry. It's okay, I understand. I mean not fully of course, but I know you had your reasons and I respect that. I forgive you, but you have to promise me this will never ever repeat again. And promise me that you'll always communicate your feelings and if not to me, then someone else.”
“I promise,” Regulus says. It's quick, but sturdy.
“Okay, yes. Then I do forgive you. Actually, I'll always forgive you. In this lifetime and all the others we are going to have. I'll forgive you in every single one.”
"Gosh that sounded pathetic, James, don't be such a sap," Regulus rolls his eyes.
“But I mean it.”
"That's so nice of you, James. Even too nice."
“Can't be too nice to someone who is so gorgeous.”
“Stop flirting with me, James, we were just arguing.” Regulus delivers the sentence in a most annoyed manner, but James thinks he can see a blush forming on the other boy's cheeks.
“You're so cute when you get embarrassed,” James says and boops on Regulus' nose.
“Stop staring at me, you idiot,” Regulus thwacks James' chest slightly, but his cheeks stay coloured. James just giggles in response and continues to stare even more intensely.
"So does this mean that we're together?" he asks after a second of silence.
"Only if you want to," Regulus mumbles, looking down at his leg that he is now making circles on the ground with. His hands are locked behind his back giving him a modest look.
“I would like that very much,” James smiles tightly.
"I guess it means I have to break up with Lily," Regulus breaks the silence.
"Fake break up, but yeah, you do," James nods
"Or maybe I don't. I mean she is way prettier than you-" Regulus is interrupted with James throwing a very fluffy pink pillow at him.
"This isn't funny. Stop laughing." James groans.
"Okay, but if I'm gonna break up with her, then I want to make us official, James.”
“Oh. You do? Do you want to go to the great hall and announce,” James stands up on the nearest chair, “Hey! Me and my lovely boyfriend Regulus Black are dating. It's called a relationship for those of you who didn't know. He's my boyfriend, okay?” James demonstrates. He looks back at Regulus and smiles, ”That kind of official?”
Regulus snorts, “Well, not exactly. I was thinking more like telling our closer friends and maybe holding hands in public, if you want to, of course” he confesses.
“Oh Reggie, I would love to be your boyfriend and hold hands with you,” James gasps exaggeratedly, climbing down from the chair and grabbing Regulus' hand. He holds it like it's the most precious thing in the world and his eyes sparkle.
“How about we go to sleep now?” James says, tearing his eyes up from Regulus' hand to stare at his eyes instead.
Regulus nods, “Okay. My bed or yours?”
“Mine.”
≈ ≈ ≈
Thursday, 8th September 23:16
Regulus and James are lying in James' bed. They had a long day and Regulus immediately fell asleep. James hasn't fallen asleep yet. He thinks it's all the anxiety he's had this past week. Naturally he needs some reassurance after everything that has happened. “Reg?”
“Yes, James?” Regulus answers in his half-asleep state.
“Is your star visible now? Is it still too close to the Sun?” James yawns.
“Oh yes, it's visible again. He's still as close to the Sun as possible so that it'd be visible, too. It is its own star afterall. When you look at it, it's kind of as if he helps the Sun to shine even brighter as it already does on its own. They complement each other," Regulus smiles at him, snuggling closer to get more of James' warmth.
Content with the answer, James falls asleep in the arms of his lover. Neither of them are fully fine. But they don't have to be, because they are together once again and this time, no one has to be the cut that always bleeds.