Mary loves Lily. She doesn’t know exactly when she fell in love, she just knows it happened a long time ago. Maybe it was the first time Lily asked Mary if she wanted to sleep next to her when Mary couldn’t sleep, back when it was always the other way around. Maybe it was something that happened gradually, slowly, something you can’t set an exact date on. Maybe she fell in love with her before she even knew what being in love felt like.
Something Mary does know, however, is that Lily doesn’t love her back. Not in that way, at least.
------------------------------------------
(1) Love advice - October 1975, 5th year
Mary closes the door behind her, carefully checking to make sure the dorm is empty before crossing the room and throwing herself backwards onto her bed. She sighs loudly and covers her face with her hands.
Why does it always end like this? She asks herself. There hadn’t been anything actually wrong with the date, on paper it had been lovely, but she still couldn’t help but feel off somehow. She always did on dates. It didn’t matter who she was with or what they were doing, she never seemed to really feelit. Sure, she’d had a good time on many of them, but she never went on more than a few dates with the same person before ultimately getting bored. And yes, snogging is fun, but in the end that’s all it is; fun. She never feels that deep connection people talk about, the butterflies she’s read about in books, the spark she’s seen in movies.
Mary groans and removes her hands from her face to stare at the canopy of her bed instead. She decides to reflect back further. Surely she’s been in love with someone? Well, she definitely hadn’t been in love with that Ravenclaw last year, Benjy Fenwick. She’d liked Sirius a lot, but really only as a friend (she was sure Sirius wouldn’t take offence to that, seeing as he’d since then come out as gay to her). There were a few other guys she dated for a couple of weeks each, but none of them really stood out. Then, there was of course Emmeline Vance. They’d dated for three months last term, and it was the first relationship Mary had actually enjoyed. Couldn’t she have been in love then? It definitely hadn’t been the all-encompassing kind of love, the kind that makes you think about them non-stop, but maybe love was only ever really like that in the movies anyway.
She would much rather have hung out with her friends today, instead of letting stupid Oliver Brown take her on a date around Hogsmeade. Not that he did anything particularly bad, but the date was just so boring. The thing was, he appeared to be a fairly nice guy. He’d held her hand, opened doors for her, and paid for both of their meals at Madam Puddifoot’s, but she still found herself looking over wistfully at Lily and Marlene whenever she saw them in the distance. He was just too plain to be interesting. God, she even saw Sirius, James, Remus and Peter together at one point and wished she was with them instead of on a date. That’s never a good sign. Mary chuckles despite herself.
She lets out another groan of anguish and sits up. Maybe romantic love isn’t all that. Maybe it’s overhyped, she thinks. It’s not as though she doesn’t feel plenty of love from her family and friends. And just at that moment, the door opens and Lily is there, laughter in her eyes and a blinding smile; a smile that fades as soon as she takes in the state Mary is in. Lily’s brows furrow and her eyes grow concerned, and she hurries to remove her shoes, and hang her scarf and jacket by the door.
“Hey, are you okay?” she asks as she moves towards Mary’s bed.
“Hm? Yeah, yeah, just…” is all Mary manages to get out, too tired to form coherent sentences. This doesn’t do much to lessen Lily’s concern, and instead she takes a seat across from Mary on the bed, worry painted in her features.
“What’s wrong? Bad date?”
Mary nods, because what is she supposed to say? ‘I’ve realised that I don’t know if I’m capable of falling in love?’
“Come on, talk to me,” Lily urges gently.
“I just…” she sighs before continuing. “I just can’t seem to ever get it right. This whole dating thing, I mean. Like, obviously, I go on dates, but I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something differently.”
“What do you mean?”
Mary is quiet for a while before answering and Lily waits, patient as always.
“Have you ever been in love, Lily?” is what she settles on.
She hears a sharp intake of breath in the otherwise silent room. Mary worries her lip between her teeth, unable to meet Lily’s eyes, too scared to gauge her reaction.
“Yeah, I have,” she says hesitatingly. At this Mary looks up.
“What did it feel like?” she asks, ignoring her mind screaming with who? at her.
“It’s hard to describe,” Lily starts. “It was difficult to discern from friendship at first, but when I realised that I hated the idea of them having a girlfriend, more and more things started to fall into place.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like always feeling drawn to them, always wanting to touch them, that sort of thing. Why do you ask?” Lily tilts her head to the side, studying Mary’s face as she collects her thoughts.
A beat of silence, and then;
“I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been in love.”
The confession hangs heavy in the room. Lily continues looking at her quizzically.
“And why’s that?” she asks, devoid of the judgement Mary was so afraid of.
“I don’t think I’ve ever really felt like that, like how you described, about anyone,” Mary replies.
“I’m sure it’s different for everyone,” Lily adds with a quirk of her lips.
“Yeah, but still. I can rarely be with one person for more than three dates before all the novelty’s been worn off and they just seem boring. And even my so-called longer relationships only last for one or two months before all the romantic stuff they try to do for me just seems suffocatingly annoying instead of cute.” Mary sighs defeatedly. “And then, whenever I end it with them and I leave, I feel so much freer. It feels like I can breathe properly again.”
“What about that one girl, Vance? You seemed pretty happy with her last term,” Lily asks with a slightly bitter tone. Mary smiles despite herself.
“I still don’t get why you disliked her so much, she was nothing but nice to you.”
“And I still maintain she was snobbish, and she kept sending me dirty looks whenever I sat next to you in the classes we shared, as if you haven’t been my best friend since first year!” Lily exclaimed. “ Anyway ,” she continues after a deep breath, “back to my question.”
“I mean, she was different, for sure. I think I convinced myself at the time that I really was in love, but it's not like I massively preferred spending time with her over you or Marlene. I never felt jealous, and I didn’t think about her that much more than I did about the rest of my friends. God, that’s bad, right?”
“I mean, to be fair, you didn’t really have much to compare it to. Difficult to know what being in love feels like if you’ve never experienced it, innit?” Lily smiles in that comforting way of hers. Trust Lily to always know exactly what to say to make her feel better.
“Yeah, I guess. So you don’t think I was in love, then?” Mary asks, biting her lower lip.
Lily shrugs. “I can’t tell you that, only you can know what you actually feel. However, based solely on what you said, had I been in your situation I don’t think I would’ve thought of myself as in love. You’re the only one who can know for sure, though.”
“But I don’t know, that’s sort of the whole issue here,” Mary laments.
“Sorry.” Lily chuckles. “You’re only 16 Mary, you have plenty of time to figure out what being in love feels like.”
“Yeah, I do. I guess I’m just scared that everyone else will find someone before I do. I don’t want to fall behind,” Mary confides, chewing on her lip.
“You’re not falling behind, Mary. Everyone’s different,” Lily reiterates, voice earnest.
“You’re right.”
Besides, spending your entire life with one person and settling down seems boring , she reasons in her mind. Mary doesn’t even know if she could manage living alone with any of her current friends for that long. Although, she would probably be alright if it was Lily. Not that she wouldn’t want to see Marlene and the others everyday, but Lily’s different. They just get each other in a way others don’t. In fact, Mary thinks she would quite like spending the rest of her life with Lily.
Hold on.
Oh.
“Whether you fall in love or not, you still have us,” Lily says, breaking the silence that had fallen as Mary processed her own thoughts.
“All of your friends love you Mary. I love you,” Lily continues, which makes Mary’s heart leap into her throat. She feels dizzy. Mary pretends that her whole head isn’t one giant mess as she replies.
“I love you too. To the moon.”
“To the moon.”
After a few beats of staring into space Mary manages to regain her composure and she suddenly remembers one of her questions from earlier.
“Now, who’s this mysterious person you were in love with?” she asks teasingly.
At this Lily blushes. “Oh, uhm. It- it was a long time ago. No one you would know.”
Mary quirks an eyebrow. “It better not be James Potter.”
“No! Why would you- no, no it is not Potter, I promise,” Lily sputters. Mary smiles.
“Okay, guess I’ll take your word for it.”
“ Please do.”
------------------------------------------
(2) The Snape incident - June 1976, 5th year
“Lily?” Mary calls softly as she opens the door to their shared dormitory. She’d run here as soon as she heard what had happened with Snape, knowing Lily would need her, and as a result she’s slightly out of breath. She can hear faint crying coming from the bathroom and makes her way towards it.
“Are you in there?” she asks gently. Lily doesn’t answer, but it’s evident it’s her; if it was Marlene she would’ve told Mary to leave her alone by now.
“Why don’t you come out, okay? You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
The door unlocks and slowly opens, and Mary is met with the sight of a red-eyed Lily Evans with tears streaming down her face. Her hair is messy, like she’s been pulling at it, and her nose is running, and Mary has never seen anyone so beautiful. Without missing a beat, she opens her arms and Lily falls right into them. Mary holds her as sobs wrack her body, petting her hair and rubbing her back.
“I’ve got you, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” she repeats, over and over. “Let’s move to your bed, yeah?”
She feels Lily nod against her chest and starts carefully walking towards her bed, not letting go of Lily for a second. When she reaches the bed she slowly lowers both of them down to sit on the mattress.
“He-” *sniff* “I thought- he said-” Lily tries to speak between sobs, head still pressed against Mary’s chest.
“Shhh, take your time, it’s okay, you don’t have to speak,” Mary cuts her off. “Do you think you could take some deep breaths with me?”
Lily nods and lets go of her.
“Good. Just breathe with me for a minute, just focus on my breathing. In and out.”
Lily breathes in shakily and a sob catches on the exhale. Her first few breaths are shaky, but after a few minutes it gets better.
“That’s it, that’s good, keep going,” Mary encourages. “You’re doing great, Lily.”
They sit like that until Lily’s breathing is steady and she has regained enough composure to speak properly this time.
“The worst part isn’t even that he called me that, that word, it’s that I should’ve seen it coming.” It’s the first full sentence Lily has spoken in the 15 minutes or so since Mary found her, and it breaks Mary’s heart.
“Lily, no, you do not get to blame yourself for this,” Mary states gently. “He was your friend, thinking he won’t call you a slur doesn’t make you naive.”
“But it does though, doesn’t it? His friends use it, I’ve heard them call me it whilst he’s standing by and doing nothing, hell, I’ve even heard him use it before! I can’t believe I thought- I…” she trails off. Mary takes a deep breath before responding.
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you and say that there hasn’t been some quite obvious warning signs that you’ve ignored, because you already know what I think about that. However, if one person was going to change him, it would’ve been you. You’re so compassionate and kind, and you have more empathy than anyone I know, so please don’t beat yourself up over not predicting this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
“No, I mean I’m sorry for staying friends with him for so long despite everyone telling me he was bad news. I just…I really thought he’d get better. He used to be really nice, you know,” Lily finishes in a small voice. “He was the only one who understood me, he stayed by my side every time Petunia said something nasty about my magic. And now he’s-” Lily's voice breaks and her eyes are threatening to spill over again.
“I know.” Mary’s tone is soft and soothing. “People change, and sometimes it’s for the worse. It’s hard to let go of them, even if they’re not who they used to be, because you’re so stuck on the idea of them being someone they’re just not anymore.”
“Maybe I could’ve stopped him from turning out this way though.”
“Maybe you could’ve. Maybe only he could have stopped it himself. Maybe no one could have. All we know is that you tried,” Mary replies with a sad smile.
“I could have tried harder,” Lily counters as a lone tear spills down her cheek. Mary wipes it away.
“Could you though? You stayed friends with him right up until he called you a slur, and if it hadn’t been in front of so many people you probably would’ve forgiven him. You’ve defended him countless times, told us that he wasn’t actually that bad and gave him second chances over and over. I don’t think you could’ve done more. I think you tried your absolute hardest and did the best you could, and it just wasn’t enough for him.”
Lily is crying again now, silent tears streaming down her face. Mary takes her hand and holds it between both of hers.
“It’s not your fault he turned out this way, and it’s not your responsibility to try and steer him back towards the right path. Sometimes you just have to let go.”
At this, Lily leans her head on Mary’s chest again, who lets go of her hand to hold her instead.
“I love you,” Lily gets out between sobs.
“I love you too. To the moon and back.”
There’s more to say and more to talk about, but for now this is enough. Later, Mary will ask Lily if she wants to tell McGonagall and Marlene will ask Lily for permission to hex Snape, but right now, this is all she needs.
------------------------------------------
(3) Party dresses - November 1976, 6th year
“Ok, which dress should I wear, red or green?” Lily asks, holding up two dresses. One is skintight and red, the other one is a little shorter, more flowy and sage green.
Mary is sitting on her bed looking over at lily, who’s been pacing around the dorm for the last 15 minutes trying to find something to wear for tonight’s party. Mary has already put on her dress, a midnight blue number with golden stars dotted all over like a night sky, and is in the midst of putting on jewellery.
“Hmm, maybe the red one tonight? It is to celebrate the quidditch win after all,” she replies as she puts her final earring in. “Both are cute though,” she adds. You’d look cute in both, is what she means.
Lily hums in agreement. “Red it is, then. You don’t think it’s too… revealing?” She looks unsure then, as if Mary’s going to judge her for what she chooses to wear.
“Hardly, I wear dresses like that to parties all the time and you never tell me it’s inappropriate,” Mary disagrees. “Just look at this one,” she continues and gestures to herself.
“Well, yeah, but that’s… different.” She looks almost ashamed now and averts her eyes when Mary tries to catch them.
“How is that different?” Mary counters, confused now, as she starts looking in her jewellery box for a necklace to wear.
“Because, you look like- like that, and I look like… this,” Lily replies, flustered as she flops down on her own bed.
“What do you mean?” Mary turns to her, slightly wary. Lily groans and hides her face in her hands.
“Well, you’re like, the most popular girl in our year, and you’re so pretty and everyone loves you, and I’m just that nerdy girl who Potter used to be obsessed with.” She sighs. “I’m not as pretty as you, I don’t look effortlessly beautiful in these kinds of dresses,” she continues defeatedly.
Mary drops the necklace she was trying to detangle and moves to sit next to Lily on her bed.
“Hey, don’t say that. That’s my best friend you’re talking about!” Mary exclaims. Lily looks through her fingers and chuckles weakly. “Lily Evans, you are the kindest, smartest and most beautiful person I know, and I will not have you bringing yourself down like this, okay? You could wear a trash bag and you would still outshine every single person at this party, you hear me?” Mary continues solemnly. Lily manages a small smile. “Now put this dress on and I’ll help you pick out some jewellery, okay?”
Lily nods. “Thanks, Mary.”
“Of course.” She smiles. “Anytime.”
They’re both quiet for a while, the only sounds being the moving of furniture downstairs and the jangling of Mary’s jewellery as she does her makeup, and then;
“Did you really mean what you said before?” Lily breaks the silence.
“Hm?” Mary hums as she focuses on applying her lip liner in front of the full length mirror.
“You know, when you said I was like, the most beautiful person you know and all that stuff.” Mary can’t tell if she’s imagining the faux-nonchalance in Lily’s voice, or if it’s really there.
“Oh, yeah, of course I did,” Mary responds like it’s obvious, because to her it is, and prays that Lily won’t read too much into it.
“Oh. Cool.” This time Mary is almost certain that Lily’s casual tone is fake. “Thanks,” Lily adds as an afterthought.
“It’s cool, I just told you the truth.” Mary inspects her lips closely whilst desperately hoping that her own voice conveys nonchalance. Lily smiles at her in the mirror from her bed and she smiles back.
“I love you, you know. To the sun and back,” Lily says.
“I know. I love you too. To the sun and back,” Mary replies, ignoring the usual way her heart skips a beat. If only you knew , she thinks, if only you knew how much .
------------------------------------------
(4) Drunk truth or dare - March 1977, 6th year
The party had been going for several hours and the clock was nearing midnight when Mary was interrupted from her dancing by a drunk, over-excited James Potter pulling her by the arm away from the make-shift dance floor.
“We’re playing truth or dare!” he shouts over the music before she gets the chance to ask. “And you’re joining!”
Mary has enough sense not to fight back. When James has his mind set on something there’s no point trying to get out of it, especially if he’s drunk. Also, since it is his birthday party, she really doesn’t have a say in the matter. Instead, she follows James and sits down next to Marlene in the circle forming in the corner of the common room.
To the other side of Marlene is Dorcas, whose legs are thrown across Marlene’s lap. Mary smiles at them both before turning to watch James and Sirius walk around the room and recruit more players. More and more people gather in the circle until they’re about 20 or so, many people choosing to continue dancing or chatting.
Finally, Sirius sits down next to her and James plops down across from them, next to a disgruntled Regulus, and if Mary sees Regulus flush ever so slightly when James grabs his shoulder to steady himself, she certainly blames it on the alcohol and nothing else.
James drowns out her thoughts by announcing the rules, which are the same as usual: nothing too inappropriate and if you refuse you have to drink. Even though the party has died down slightly, the music is still loud enough that you have to shout to be heard. James starts the game, as he always does, and gives Sirius the dare of taking a shot with his head upside down. Sirius does, somehow without spilling, and sends the next question to Dorcas. She picks truth, and has to say which person in the circle she’d be most likely to hex. Barty doesn’t even try to argue when she says his name without any hesitation.
The game goes on for several rounds, Mary is dared to slap James and is asked who the last person she kissed was (she doesn’t remember and is forced to have a drink). She’s just debating whether or not it’d be too early to go to bed, seeing as it’s just about half past midnight, when she gets asked another question.
“Mary,” Sirius’s voice interrupts her thoughts. “Truth or dare?”
The party has slowed significantly within the past half hour or so they’ve been playing. The circle has shrunk to 12 people, only their friends now, with a few stragglers still on the dance floor. Despite the music having been turned down a bit over the course of the game to better hear the others, it’s still quite loud, and the pleasant buzz of alcohol is starting to slowly get replaced by a headache.
“Truth,” she answers, too tired to do something ridiculous, like reciting the alphabet backwards whilst doing a handstand. That’s actually not a bad dare, she thinks to herself, and files the idea away for later.
Sirius looks at her for a bit, presumably thinking about his question, before asking.
“Who in this room do you love the most?”
The question takes Mary by surprise. It’s by far the most serious question yet, and she certainly wasn’t expecting something so sincere from Sirius. She pretends to think about her answer, even though one name sprung into her mind as soon as the word “love” left Sirius’s mouth; Lily. She notices then how quiet the room has gotten, as if they too were slightly stunned by the very upfront question.
“That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?” she tries.
“Well, you can always drink,” they say teasingly, “but judging by that question I’m guessing you have an answer.” Suddenly, Sirius seems way too sober for Mary’s liking.
They’ve got me there, she thinks defeatedly. She sighs.
“Lily.” She glances carefully at Lily and then Marlene to judge their reactions.
Marlene gives her a smirk, as if to say “It’s okay, I already knew”, but Lily seems surprised, as if she was expecting to hear anyone's name but hers. However, she quickly recovers and smiles at Mary.
“Aww, I love you too.”
Mary smiles back at her, ignoring her pounding heart as well as the voice in the back of her mind telling her that Lily’s reply seemed…off. Forced. She looks to Sirius, who is watching her smugly, and sees him make eye contact with Marlene, who smiles even wider. Mary decides to store that information away and ask about it later, when she’s not as tired and not as drunk.
“James, truth or dare?” she says instead, hoping to move on from whatever’s just occurred.
“Dare!” he responds, predictably.“I dare you to recite the alphabet backwards whilst doing a handstand.”
------------------------------------------
(5) Lily’s date with Pandora - May 1977, 6th year
“Girls! Guess what!” Lily bursts through the door to their dorm, excitement evident in her voice.
Mary looks up from her old muggle fashion magazine at the same time as Marlene looks up from the transfiguration homework she’s been “working” on for half an hour (she’s gotten nowhere).
“You found a way to ban homework?” Marlene asks sarcastically as she moves to sit up.
“No,” Lily sighs exasperatedly, “I have news to share.”
The tone she says it in peaks both Marlene and Mary’s interests and Mary finds herself sitting up too.
“Well? Go on then!” Mary prompts. Lily looks as though she can barely contain her excitement.
“Okay, so, you guys know Pandora, right? Who am I kidding, of course you know Pandora,” Lily speaks in that way she only does when she’s really excited, all tripping over her words and flapping her hands. Mary always thinks it’s adorable.
“If you mean Dorcas’ friend Pandora, yeah,” Marlene clarifies.
“Yes, yes, her. Okay, so, I’m walking back from the library right? And I see her approaching me, so I stop because we’re sort of friends, and we chat for a bit, and then asks me if I’d like to have a picnic with her this weekend! Obviously, I’m thinking, “is she asking me out on a date right now?”, but I want to be sure, so I ask her-”
Marlene squeals with excitement, but Mary feels her stomach starting to tie itself into knots.
“-and she says yes! And I tell her I’d love to go!” Lily finishes.
Mary feels as though a bucket of ice has just been dumped over her.
“Oh my god!” Marlene starts excitedly. “But, I thought you were-”
She gets cut off by a pointed glance from Lily who starts talking over her.
“I was not really looking for a girlfriend, no, but Pandora is really nice and I want to give it a shot.”
Marlene glances over to Mary then, who realises she hasn’t said anything.
“I’m really happy for you, Lily,” she tries with a smile, but she’s pretty sure the whole thing sounds off. Lily’s eyebrows crinkle ever so slightly, which tells Mary it hasn’t gone unnoticed. It hasn’t gone unnoticed by Marlene either, who raises an eyebrow at her.
“So, are you going to give us more details or what?” Mary continues. Lily smiles again.
“She said she knew this really cute spot by the forbidden forest, and-”
Lily keeps talking but Mary can’t bear to make herself listen as she describes what will probably be a wonderful date and the start of a wonderful relationship. Her Lily Evans, Lily “hasn’t been on a date since they were 14” Evans, is going on a date with Pandora Rosier. Mary can’t even say anything negative about her, not when Pandora is literally sunshine personified, other than the fact that she doesn’t know Lily the way Mary does. No one does, not Pandora or James or Remus, not even Marlene. Marlene and Remus might know Lily better than most people, sure, but they don’t know the secrets she tells Mary in the dark of one of their beds when Marlene is already fast asleep. They don’t know that she always picks her nails when she’s anxious, or bites the inside of her cheek when she’s annoyed. They haven’t read the very worst letter sent by Petunia, telling Lily she doesn’t want any more contact with her. They don’t know just how bad her nightmares were after. Point is, no one gets Lily, really sees her, like Mary does, and she can’t help but hate the idea of Lily going on a date with someone who won’t love her the same way Mary does, the way she has been doing for so long.
“Oh, I forgot, I’ve got to return this book to the library actually.” Lily’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. “But I’ll see you later!”
“See ya!” Marlene replies. Mary just smiles. Lily waves, and as soon as she closes the door Marlene turns back to Mary.
“You okay?” she asks, concern in her voice.
“Hm? Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Mary replies in a casual tone. “Just zoned out for a bit.”
“Mary. You don’t need to lie to me, okay? I live with you both, I see things. You’re really not as slick as you think you are.”
Mary feels panic rising in her chest. Fuck. She looks at Marlene like a deer in headlights.
“Hey, it’s okay, Lily doesn’t know,” Marlene hurries to calm her down. She then mumbles something under her breath, just quiet enough that Mary can’t tell exactly what she’s saying.
“What?” she asks.
“Oh, nothing. Just know, your secret is safe with me.” Marlene smiles sincerely. “Now, how are you really?” she persists.
Mary sighs. “Well, my best friend who I happen to be in love with is going on a date with someone that isn’t me, so not great,” she answers truthfully. “And it’s Pandora as well, it’s not like I can say anything bad about her.”
“Would it have felt better if she was going with someone you hated?” Marlene inquires.
“Yes? No? I don’t know! It would have felt better if she wasn’t going on a date at all.” Mary sulks.
“Or if she went on a date with you,” Marlene adds. Mary sighs again.
“Yeah, obviously, but I thought we were being realistic here.”
Marlene raises an eyebrow. “I was.”
“Oh, come on, don’t do that.” Mary scoffs.
“Is there seriously no part of you that believes that she likes you back?” Marlene asks, a genuine, simple question.
“Even if there was, that hope was squashed when she announced that she’s going on a date this weekend!” Mary exclaims bitterly. Marlene frowns and thinks for a bit before responding.
“I suppose that might have that effect, yeah.” She sighs. “Want to do something to take your mind off of it?”
“As long as it doesn’t involve more studying, I’m down.”
Mary doesn’t find herself alone with Lily for the rest of the day. It’s not that she’s avoiding her, she just happens to need to talk to Sirius about astronomy, or ask Marlene about the next Gryffindor quidditch match, or borrow nail polish from Dorcas.
The day is almost over and Mary is lying in her bed, sure she’s somehow gotten away with her weird behaviour, when Lily’s hand grabs her curtain and pulls it aside, poking her head through. When she doesn’t immediately say something, Mary knows what’s coming, and moves over to make space. Lily smiles and wordlessly slides in next to her under the covers.
“Hi,” Lily says.
“Hi,” Mary replies with a smile, even though she’s racking her brain, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for all her abnormal behaviour. Lily is quiet for a bit before speaking again, seemingly choosing her words carefully.
“Do you not like the fact that I’m going on a date?” she asks slowly, inquisitively.
“It’s not that. I’m happy for you, I really am.”
“But?” Lily pushes.
“I just…I didn’t know you liked Pandora.”
Lily’s face pulls into a thoughtful half-smile, contemplating. “Well, I don’t, I guess. Not yet at least.”
“Then why are you going on a date with her?” Mary asks, confused.
“I don’t like her yet. But I think I could,” Lily replies. “You don’t have to already like every person you go on a date with.”
She has a point, Mary thinks.
“You just don’t seem like the kind of person to do that, I guess,” Mary responds, trying not to sound like an arsehole.
Lily gives her a sad smile. “Well, I might have to start being that kind of person. Lord knows I wouldn’t be going on any dates otherwise.”
“Because you don’t like anyone?” Mary asks.
“Because they don’t like me back.” Lily turns her head to the ceiling.
“That’s bullshit. Why wouldn’t they?” Mary insists.
“I wish I knew,” Lily replies softly.
“They’re probably stupid. You deserve better than someone who’s stupid,” Mary states matter-of-factly, which causes Lily to give a quiet laugh.
“I don’t think they’re very stupid.”
“Well, I do.”
Lily smiles. They’re both quiet for a while, until Mary speaks again.
“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I was just surprised, I guess.”
“It’s okay. No harm done,” Lily assures.
“I love you,” Mary says, more to the air around them than to Lily. She can see her smile at the words.
“Me too. To the moon and to Saturn, Mary.”
“How about all the way to Pluto?”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, there,” Lily jokes.
“Well, I love you all the way to Pluto.”
Lily smiles. “Me too.”
------------------------------------------
(Interlude) The date - Lily’s POV - June 1977, 6th year
“I had a really nice time today, Pandora,” Lily says and draws her cardigan tighter around her, the evening chill creeping in as the day draws to an end. The day really had been fun, better than she’d hoped.
“I’m glad.” Pandora smiles. Now for the hard part.
“I just…” she tries. Why was it so hard?
“You don’t think we should do this again,” Pandora states simply, smile not wavering.
“I…yeah. Sorry. You’re lovely, but I can’t…I-”
“It’s okay.” Pandora interrupts gently. “I mean it.”
Lily nods and breathes out, willing herself to calm down. She wishes for a moment that she could date Pandora, but it wouldn’t be fair. Not to Pandora, not to herself. Pandora deserves someone to give her the love Lily knows she can’t.
They’re both silent for a bit, watching the flowers dance in the gentle breeze.
“It’s Mary, right?”
Lily is shaken out of her thoughts. “How did you- I mean, why would you- what makes you say that?” Smooth.
Pandora just smiles. “I see things. Don’t worry though, I haven’t told anyone.” Lily relaxes at that.
“Is it obvious, then?” she asks, despite being scared of the answer.
Pandora hums uncertainly. “Not to most people, I don’t think. Certainly not to Mary. Who else knows?”
“Remus was the first one I told. Marlene confronted me about it last summer, but I think she knew earlier and had just been waiting for me to tell her myself, which I clearly didn’t. That’s everyone though, as far as I’m aware. I have an inkling Dorcas might know, because of Marlene. Or she may have figured it out herself, she’s very observant. I haven’t spoken to her about it anyway.”
Pandora hums again, nodding. “That makes sense. So you’ve liked her for over a year, then?”
Lily flushes. “Oh, yeah,” she admits, feeling embarrassed. “I realised it a little over two years ago and elected to ignore it because I figured it would go away eventually, but then it just…didn’t.”
Pandora nods once more. “Figured. That’s what Dorcas did, you know? We all thought she was in denial, but she told me later that she was aware and ignoring it on purpose. Something about it being mortifying to like Marlene after hating her for so long.”
Lily chuckles. “Oh my God, those two were so dramatic before they got together.” The smile fades from her face and she furrows her brows as she finally processes something.
“Wait, if you already knew I liked Mary, why did you ask me out?”
“Figured it might give either of you a little push. Besides, had I been wrong, which I very rarely am, it wouldn’t have been the worst outcome in the world to just spend time with you.”
Lily feels a little taken aback by Pandora's answer.
“So, your plan the entire time was to help me get with Mary? By asking me out on a date?” she asks dumbfoundedly.
“Yep,” Pandora confirms.
“Why couldn’t you just have asked me to hang out? Like, as friends? I could’ve pretended it was a date to the others if you had told me the plan.”
“It needed to be believable, so I couldn’t take any chances. And I figured you wouldn’t be too mad once I explained it to you,” Pandora explains, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it is, to her.
“And why did you do all this?” Lily asks, because really, why? It seems an awful lot of work to put in for two people you don’t even know that well.
Pandora shrugs. “I like playing matchmaker, and you two didn’t look like you were getting anywhere on your own.”
I like playing matchmaker. All of this because she just “likes playing matchmaker”. Lily shakes her head in wonder.
“I don’t even know what to say.”
Pandora giggles. “That’s what Dorcas told me when I explained my plan about Regulus.”
“Hold on, Regulus ? Who does he even- wait, no. Surely not?” Lily gapes, hardly believing a word she’s hearing. Could it really be?
Pandora giggles again, nodding.
“Just so we’re on the same page here, Regulus likes a certain…quidditch player?” Lily tries. That could be anyone, good.
“Mhm.”
“Brown hair? Tan skin perhaps?” A little more specific.
“Yep.”
“And it’s a boy?” Lily double checks.
“Oh, yes, Reg is very gay. He won’t mind me telling you that,” Pandora assures.
“Well, the first person who comes to mind who fits that description is a certain glasses-wearing gryffindor.”
“How peculiar!” Pandora smiles, and Lily laughs.
After putting all of their stuff back into Pandora’s wicker basket and picking up after themselves, Lily allows herself, forces herself more like, to ask the one question that’s still burning on her mind.
“Do you think Mary likes me back?” she asks cautiously as she stands up.
“I wouldn’t have concocted this plan if I didn’t think she did,” Pandora says as she reaches over to close the lid on her basket. “Nothing like a bit of jealousy to spur people into action,” she finishes and rises up from where she had been crouching in the grass. Lily chuckles before continuing in a serious manner.
“It’s just that we’ve had a few conversations over the last couple of years that have made me think that she doesn’t really…fall in love easily,” Lily concludes, trying not to reveal more than necessary. They walk slowly towards the castle, the wind still blowing gently and messing up Lily’s bangs.
“Everybody’s different. Some people fall in love fast, while others take more time and need to really get to know a person before they’re attracted to them. Some people never fall in love, and they’re still happy. All I know is that it certainly looks like Mary likes you.” Pandora pauses before continuing. “She treats you differently, does she not?”
Lily thinks about it for a second. Fleeting memories of crawling into each other’s beds at night when neither of them can sleep floods her mind. Mary braiding her hair, Mary taking extensive notes for her when she misses a class because she knows both Remus and Marlene’s will be unintelligible, Mary always making her tea for her just the way she likes it.
“Yeah, I guess.”
Pandora just smiles again.
They walk in silence until they’re almost at the courtyard when Lily decides to speak up again.
“Was there anyone else involved in this little plan of yours?”
Pandora smirks. “Depends. Who are you suspecting?”
“Marlene,” Lily answers, without missing a beat.
Pandora sighs playfully and shakes her head. “What did she do?”
“She squealed when I told her and Mary about the date. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Marlene squeal before.”
“She literally had one job! Act normal and convince you it was a good idea in case you were unsure!”
“Technically that’s two jobs, which is way too much responsibility to put on Marls.” Lily laughs. Pandora sighs, but soon joins in on the laughing.
“Let me know how it goes,” Pandora says as they’re about to part ways.
“I will. You let me know how your other plan goes, and if there’s anything I can do. I’m much better at acting normal than Marlene.” Lily smiles.
“I think I’ll need all the help I can get, honestly.” Pandora shakes her head fondly. “Go get your girl now, though.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Lily smiles all the way up to the common room, stopping right outside to take a few deep breaths. She’s got this.
------------------------------------------
(+ 1) The confession - June 1977, 6th year
Mary is alone in the dorm, reading a new muggle fashion magazine that her mother’s just sent her, trying not to think about Lily on her date and failing. Miserably. As she re-reads the same paragraph for the fifth time she hears hurried steps coming up the stairs and steels herself. She forces her face to remain neutral as the door opens and a glimpse of fiery red hair in her periphery confirms her suspicion. It’s okay, you’ve got this. Just act normal.
“Hi.” Lily’s voice sounds slightly breathless, as if she walked up the stairs too fast. When Mary looks up from her magazine the first things she notices are Lily’s flushed cheeks and her messy bangs. As though someone’s run their hands through them, she regretfully notes.
“Hi.” Mary hopes her voice conveys indifference rather than bitterness. “Good date?”
Lily seems a little taken aback by her apathy. Mary mentally curses herself.
“Yeah. Yes, we…it- it was good,” she stammers out.
“So, when’s the next one?” Mary tries, smiling this time despite how much that answer hurts. How much all of this hurts.
“Oh, uhm…” Lily starts, seemingly flustered. “We decided to just be friends, actually.”
Mary blinks. ‘ It was good.’ ‘We decided to just be friends.’
“Oh.” The fake smile slides off her face, and she fights to keep a real one from emerging. “Why?”
Lily smiles a little. “Better that way.”
“And- and you’re not sad, or anything?” Mary narrows her eyes, scrutinising Lily’s face for any signs of sadness.
“Nope.” Lily is fully smiling now. “Remember what I told you earlier this week, after I had told you about the date and you were worried I was keeping secrets from you?”
Oh, God. “What did you tell me?”
“I don’t like Pandora. Not romantically, anyway, but I think we’ll be good friends.” Lily smiles and Mary reckons her face is the textbook definition of confused right now, brows furrowed and mouth slightly agape.
“You’re sure you’re not, like, upset about that?” Mary questions.
Lily somehow smiles even wider. “Not at all. You know, I already had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to fall in love with Pandora. Do you remember another thing I told you that night, when I explained why I said yes anyway? When I said I wouldn’t be going on dates otherwise?” Something sounding like nerves start to creep into Lily’s voice.
“You said that the people you like don’t like you back,” Mary recalls, “and I said they’d be stupid not to.”
“Person, actually. Not people. But yeah, that.” Mary’s mind is reeling with the implications.
“You like someone, then?” Mary asks, impressed with herself for keeping her voice steady. She wishes desperately for it to be someone she’ll never have to meet, wishes she’ll never have to watch Lily look at someone the way she so desperately wishes for Lily to look at her .
Lily chuckles with a soft shake of her head. “God, I love you, Mary,” she says casually, as if it’s something that just slips out.
Mary freezes. “No. Don’t say that. Not now.” Her voice is cold. She roots herself to the ground, ignoring every urge to run, cry, scream, do something.
Lily’s face falls. “But...I- I thought-” she stammers, eyes tearing up.
Mary shakes her head. “I can’t…I can’t do this anymore,” she says, lip trembling.
“What?” Lily’s voice, usually so full of laughter and smiles, sounds so small. A tear falls from her eye.
“You don’t mean it.” Mary tries in vain to contain her own tears.
“Of course I do,” Lily says, hardly more than a whisper, tears silently tracking down her face.
“Not like I do. And- and I can’t-” Mary sniffles, “I can’t hear you say it so-, so casually, because it hurts .”
“What do you mean?” Lily asks, confusion seeping into her heartbroken face.
“When we’re saying ‘I love you’, I mean it differently than you do.” Mary takes in a shaky breath. “I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t want to risk losing you, but I just can’t anymore. Our relationship isn't a casual friendship to me. No one can see you from my view, no one knows you like I do, and I’m terrified that I’m going to have to go through the rest of my life like this, not knowing for sure how you feel until I have to watch you fall in love with someone else. It’s all I think about most nights. I can’t do it. I won’t do it,” Mary finishes.
Go on, reject me, she thinks. I’ve laid my heart out bare for your scrutiny. Go and spit at it, kick it, stab it. It wouldn’t matter, it’s yours anyways.
Lily stares at her for what feels like an eternity, even though it’s probably a few seconds. The redness in her eyes makes the green stand out even more, Mary notes uselessly. Come on, say something.
“You’re in love with me?” Lily says, finally.
‘You’re in love with me?’ Mary’s mind echoes. Of course I’m bloody in love with you, didn’t you hear what I just said?
“Thought I just made that clear.” She settles on, voice tired.
Lily stares at her again for one, two, three seconds before taking three long strides and tackling Mary into a hug, catching Mary completely off guard. She stumbles backwards a little before regaining her balance, and tentatively puts her arms around Lily. Words cannot describe the confusion she feels at the moment.
“I’m in love with you, too, you idiot,” Lily tells her, words muffled as they’re spoken into Mary’s collarbone. Mary feels dizzy. She tightens her hold on Lily.
“You are?”
“Of course I am.” Lily chuckles and pulls away slightly to look up at Mary. “Who else could it possibly have been?”
Mary doesn’t even have time to feel embarrassed before she pulls Lily’s face close and connects their lips. The kiss is short and chaste, they both have tear tracks drying on their faces and they’re smiling too much, but it is still absolutely perfect. It feels like them. Standing there, in each other’s arms, feels like coming home.
“I love you,” Mary says against Lily’s lips when they part, only a sliver of space between them.
“To Pluto and back?” Lily smiles.
“To the end of the universe and back.”
Lily kisses her again. “I love you more,” she whispers.
“That’s literally not possible,” Mary argues playfully, tucking a piece of Lily’s hair behind her ear. Lily opens her mouth to say something back but is interrupted by the door slowly creaking open. Mary hardly has time to register Marlene’s face peeking in before she hears her voice.
“Oh fucking finally!” Marlene exclaims.
Lily’s turns around, startled, as if she hadn’t heard the door open, losing her hold on Mary. “Marlene,” she says, tone measured.
“Lily.” Marlene grins. “Mary.” She nods at them. “You’re all good here, it seems?”
Mary fights back a smile, unsuccessfully. Lily gives a curt nod.
Marlene gives a happy sigh. “Oh, Pandora, the woman you are.” She shakes her head fondly, and then abruptly turns and leaves with a call of “See ya!”.
Lily turns back to Mary, who raises her eyebrows at her.
“What was that about?”
Lily sighs, which turns into a chuckle, and shakes her head. “They had a plan going. Marls and Pandora,” she explains, which really doesn’t make Mary any less confused.
“Pandora and Marlene? A plan? About..?”
“About us.” Lily flushes. “Well, I think it was mostly Pandora’s plan, she just allowed Marlene to help. Said she ‘likes playing matchmaker’.”
“I still have so many questions,” Mary states.
“Maybe they can wait?” Lily asks, stepping closer to her again. Mary smirks.
“Yeah, I think they can.”