Dazai skipped happily into the forbidden forest. He had just finished reading a book in the library which mentioned deadly poisonous mushrooms which are found in magical forests. These were common and not painful to consume!
The book stated that they were a dark purple colour with bright blue spots and were most commonly found near tree stumps.
Dazai roamed around, it was still daytime and he wasn’t so deep in the forest so he was unlikely to encounter any magical creatures. Not that it would have mattered anyway, No longer human would protect him, whether he liked it or not.
He hopped over a small stream and walked up to a large tree stump.
Hundreds of mushrooms were growing around it! Dazai selected an armful of the dark-purple mushrooms before leaving the forest. He gleefully imagined how his death would occur. When should he consume the colourful fungi? How many? Dazai hummed as he skipped back to the castle with dozens of mushrooms in his clutches.
“What even are those things? They look disgusting.” Draco wrinkled his nose and stumbled back in horror.
“Would you like one, mister ferret?” Dazai smiled with mock sweetness as he held a purple mushroom out to his classmate.
Draco hesitantly reached for the mushroom but just as he was about to come into contact with it, Dazai swiftly pulled back his arm and stuck his tongue out at the outraged Draco.
“None for you! I thought you said they were disgusting!” Dazai sang as he inched further away from Draco, who glared furiously at him.
“Shut up, you-you lowly mud blood!”
“Bleh.”
“I wasn’t going to try it anyways, just- just throw them away!” Draco said, folding his arms over his chest and grimacing. “They smell disgusting! Get them out of here!”
“You're just upset that I didn’t give you any!” Dazai teased playfully.
“Shut up!!!”
Dazai flung the door open and teased Draco once more before leaving the Slytherin common room to fantasize about the details of his latest suicide attempt. Hopefully, he wouldn’t survive.
Dazai roamed around the school for a while before eventually meeting up with Blaise and Pansy in an empty classroom.
“Where did you even find these?” Blaise said as he examined the mushrooms sceptically.
“I’m not telling you!~” Dazai hummed as he snatched them away.
“I am so telling the teachers about this!” Pansy declared brattily. She walked up towards them and attempted to steal one of the mushrooms for proof, but Dazai just moved out of the way.
“There won’t be anyone left to punish when I’m done with these!” Dazai exclaimed gleefully as he jumped onto a chair and pranced about.
“Professor Snape isn’t going to be happy when he sees you dancing on a chair after school hours,” Blaise mumbled, tired.
“Don’t worry, he isn’t here!” Dazai announced as he hopped off the chair and started going through the mushrooms, throwing them over his shoulder a few seconds after examining them one by one. “Anyways, he likes me too much to do anything much about it,” he added smugly.
“Ugh, what are you even looking for?” Pansy winced as she dodged the flyaway mushrooms.
“Aha!” Dazai presented Blaise and Pansy with a large, bright mushroom. It appeared to sparkle within the gloomy atmosphere of the empty Potions classroom. The two stared at it, trying to compute what Dazai was thinking.
What fools.
Without warning, Dazai took a big chomp, jumpscaring both Blaise and Pansy. He downed the rest of it in seconds and looked up at the two with a manic grin, his face partly in shadow.
“...”
“OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Pansy screeched at Dazai, as she furiously tugged on her hair.
Dazai's face split into a large, maniacal grin as he burst into a fit of psychotic laughter.
He began jumping up and down on the chair, eventually causing the chair’s leg to snap in half, making him fall flat onto the floor. He continued laughing as he lay on the ground staring at the ceiling.
Blaise and Pansy took a few steps back and looked at each other in concern.
“Uhh, Dazai? Are you okay?” Blaise asked the brunette who was still lying on the floor.
Dazai suddenly shot up, causing both Blaise and Pansy to jump from the sudden movement.
“HAHA-BLAISE, WHAT KIND OF SILLY QUESTION IS THAT?!” Dazai exclaimed loudly, “I'M DOING A~M~A~Z~I~N~G!!!”
He jumped towards the broken chair and kicks it across the classroom as he giggled madly. “NEVER FELT BETTER!”
Pansy shrieked as the chair slammed into a desk, causing a stack of papers to fall onto the floor.
“DAZAI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” she yelled, outraged at his horrific behaviour.
Blaise just watched in shock and horror as Dazai proceeded to jump onto the desks and kick bottles of quill ink onto the floor.
“BLAISE,” Dazai screamed as he pulled out another mushroom hidden in his cloak, “JOIN ME!! LET'S DIE TOGETHER WHILE TORMENTING PANTS!-“
He stopped dancing for a moment, turning towards Pansy before yelling, “OR, YOU COULD JOIN TOO~!! I HAVE PLENTY LEFT!”.
Dazai pulled out another handful of smaller mushrooms from his pocket and threw them into an empty Cauldron.
“LETS MAKE A POTION! THE LITTLE FAIRIES ARE TELLING ME TO MAKE A POTION TO FEED TO PANSY!!”
“WHAT FAIRIES?!!” Pansy yelled back, only for Dazai to react by sticking his tongue out at her.
“IS HE HIGH OR SOMETHING?!” she gestured at Dazai frantically, who was now pouring an assortment of items he found lying around into the Cauldron.
“I would assume so, yes. Those mushrooms he had were probably the hallucinogenic kind.” Blaise replied, eyeing Dazai as he started pouring ink into the abomination he called a potion.
“WELL??” Pansy screeched at Blaise, “WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT HIM THEN?!”
“Hmm, we should probably call for backup,” Blaise suggested.
“And who is this ‘backup’?” Pansy raised her brow.
“Draco, the twins, Ron and Hermione, get as many as you can find probably.”
“And who the hell said I’m going?!”
“I will…watch Dazai.” Blaise turned to look behind them as Dazai’s potion exploded in a puff of black smoke. “Just..hurry please.”
“Alright, alright.” Pansy sprinted out of the classroom and Blaise turned back to look at Dazai.
Dazai, who was now trying to hang himself with some extra bandages he got from Merlin knows where was yelling something about suicide.
Blaise quickly ran up to Dazai and pulled him down, away from the cleverly crafted noose that was attached to the ceiling.
Dazai fell to the ground again with an oof, he pouted and turned to face Blaise.
“Blaise!” he whined, “You're such a meanie!!!”
“Mhm, sure, I’m mean for not letting you hang yourself in the middle of our potions classroom.”
Suddenly, Dazai began to…cry?!
Blaise was in disbelief, he had no idea what to do.
“BLAISE IS SO MEAN, HE WON’T LET ME FINALLY KILL MYSELF AND DIE!!” Dazai childishly kicked his feet and waved his arms around as tears leaked from his eyes.
Then, he abruptly stopped crying and stood up.
Blaise blinked in confusion as he watched Dazai skip towards the pile of papers on the floor.
“I want to set something on fire,” Dazai said as he pulled out his wand from his cloak.
“WAIT-“ Blaise yelled, at the same time, the classroom door flung open as Pansy ran into the classroom, closely followed by Draco and the twins™.
“What in Merlin’s beard have you done to this classroom, Dazai?!” Draco exclaimed as he stepped over a broken ink pot. He scrunched up his nose as he looked around the classroom which now looked like a warzone.
“INCENDIO!!!” Dazai yelled, catching the attention of everyone in the room as he pointed his wand at the pile of paper in front of him.
Luckily, before the spell was finished, Blaise slapped the wand out of Dazai’s hand.
The wand clattered to the floor noisily, the room was filled with dead silence.
“..Uhh, Dazai?” One of the twins, Fred, broke the silence, “Are you okay?”
Dazai promptly fainted, falling to the floor before anyone could catch him.
Everyone (minus Pansy) quickly sprinted towards the unconscious Dazai who lay on the floor.
“Okay, what the actual bloody hell just happened?!” George asked as he and Fred gently picked up the brunette.
“He’s high,” Pansy answered from across the room.
“WHAT?!” Draco yelled, only to be shushed by the others.
“He ate some weird mushrooms he found in the forest,” Blaise explained as he retrieved Dazai’s wand from the floor.
“Mushrooms? You don’t mean- Those disgusting, smelly purple ones?! He actually ate them?!”
“You knew about the mushrooms?!”
“Well, yeah,” Draco huffed, “He showed them to me in the dorms a while ago.”
“Alright, that’s enough chit-chat!” Fred interrupted, waving his hands around.
“First, we need to get little Snakey here somewhere safe to sleep, let’s go to the dorms!” George exclaimed. He was carrying an unconscious Dazai on his back as Fred gladly took his wand from Blaise.
“Which dorms?” Draco asked as the group began to exit the mess of a classroom.
“No one is in the Slytherin dorms right now, it’s the safest option if we don’t want to get caught,” Blaise said logically.
“Wait a goddamn minute,” Pansy exclaimed, catching up to the group, “We are not letting these filthy blood traitors into our dorms. It will put our house to shame!” She glared at the twins furiously, who glared right back at her with the same amount of anger and hatred.
“We already let that stupid mudblood,” she waved her arm at Dazai, “stay with us. Blaise, Draco, come on! Don’t you understand?”
Blaise and Draco looked at each other before turning back to Pansy.
“Pansy, please, would you rather let them enter the Slytherin dorms for a bit while no one is there or go to the Gryffindor dorm where we could be spotted?” Draco said.
Pansy sighed, “Fine. But only once. And they better not stay for too long.”
The group continued to walk towards the Slytherin dorms, Draco led the way in silence.
When they arrived at the painting, Draco whispered the password and they entered.
They quickly rushed to lay Dazai down on a bed, he was still unconscious. Maybe he hit his head after falling so many times.
“…So, uh, what do we do now?” Fred asked in a low voice.
“Eat dinner,” Pansy answered,” Let’s go to the main hall. We don’t need you lot polluting the Slytherin dorms.”
“We can’t just leave Dazai here!” Hermione said, ignoring Pansy’s insult.
“Well, what would we do here? Sit around? I’m not wasting my time watching that good-for-nothing mudblood.”
The twins shot her a nasty glare.
“Ugh! Fine, why don’t you call Professor Snape or something? If you're so worried about it.” Pansy snarled, “I’m going to go eat since, unlike some people, I don’t want to starve.”
Pansy marched out of the dorms, leaving the others behind.
Draco looked at Dazai, as he contemplated what to do next.
“Maybe Pansy is right, we should go eat food. I don’t think Dazai is going to wake up anytime soon, and you three,” Draco pointed towards the twins and Hermione, “Should most definitely not be in here.”
Hermione sighed, “As much as I want to make sure Dazai is okay, you do have a point.”
Blaise, who had not said anything until now, turned to Hermione, “I agree. He should be safe in the dorms, unconscious or not. Let’s eat fast and come back to check on him, at least us Slytherins.”
Fred and George sighed, “Fine, but you better tell us if he’s doing alright or if you need help.”
With that, they all left the Slytherin dorms to eat dinner.
……………….
Soon, Dazai woke up alone in the Slytherin dorms.
What had happened? Why wasn’t he dead yet? The mushrooms were supposed to be able to kill him painlessly…
Wait, wasn’t there a side note in the book he read? If he remembered correctly (he did, his memory was rarely ever wrong,) there was another mushroom which was almost identical to the poisonous mushrooms. The fake poison mushrooms caused you to hallucinate and were some sort of more powerful wizard version of the muggle magic mushrooms.
Ah, now he understood what must’ve happened.
What time was it? Considering how empty the dorms are, Dazai had to assume that it was probably time for dinner in the great hall.
He tried to stand up before immediately regretting his decision. His head spun and he felt slightly nauseous. He slumped back onto his bed. He could already feel a headache starting to form from the after-effects of the mushrooms.
His headache only worsened when he heard students returning to the dorms, chatting with loud and annoying voices. He shoved his face into his pillow in an attempt to silence the noise and reduce his headache.
It didn’t work.
Dazai rolled around on his bed, trying to find a good position, then he somehow ended up half on the floor, upside down hanging from the bed with a pillow on his face.
He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, when the pillow was removed from his face. “Hey- my pillow!!”
“Dazai what the hell are you doing???”
Dazai looked up and saw Blaise and Draco standing in front of him.
“Oh hello!” Dazai greeted, waving his arms around like a crazy person.
Draco turned to Blaise, who was holding the pillow, “Is he still high??”
“What do you mean ‘still’ high???” Dazai questioned, thoroughly confused at the whole situation. He abruptly swung himself upright and almost fell over from the headache he had almost forgotten about.
Blaise rushed to catch Dazai, tossing the pillow to hit Draco in the face (by accident. Probably) and put him on the bed.
“Ughh…what the fuck even happened??? I don’t remember anything-“ Dazai groaned as he dropped his head into his hands to block out the light from outside. The bright light was hurting his eyes and making his headache worse, which was obviously not something he wanted.
“You ate those stinky mushrooms you found in the forest.” Draco said as he threw the pillow at Blaise, missing him by a few inches.
Blaise picked up the pillow that Draco threw at him and put it back on Dazai’s bed, “You tried to commit arson. And suicide. And destroyed a lot of things. And-“
“Okay, so nothing out of the ordinary then?” Dazai replied, cutting Blaise off in the middle of his explanation.
“What’s wrong with you, you look like you got hit by a drunk’s broomstick on a Saturday night after drinking with his friends.” Draco asked as he sat down next to Dazai.
“That’s an interesting saying I am so going to copy, anyways, I have a headache.”
Blaise looked at Dazai, concern written on his face, “Lie down, go to sleep.”
“Bleh..” Dazai stuck his tongue out at Blaise, before lying down on his bed properly and shoving the pillow on his face again.
Draco got off the bed and stared at Dazai, “What the hell is wrong with him.”
“What isn’t?” Dazai replied, his voice slightly muffled because of the pillow.
“Sleep.” Blaise said as he pulled the blanket over Dazai.
“Okay okay jeez-“
Draco and Blaise wait there for a few more minutes before Dazai yells at them to stop staring at him because it’s creepy. They both quickly go to their own beds to rest for the night.
What a weird day. Oh wait, this shit happens everyday why are they even surprised? It’s Dazai for fucks sake.