remus watched sirius often, while he was playing quidditch with james (like right now), arguing with teachers, arguing with other students, or making a spectacle of himself one way or another.
it was those times where remus had an excuse to look, the stolen glances during midnight chain-smoking, or fleeting moments he could grasp on to before sirius noticed remus wasn’t there to listen to music, well at those times he knew he wasn’t supposed to look as intently as he did.
often everyone watched sirius, because sirius wanted them too, because he willed it so. every ounce of attention sent his way is a calculated act, which is why he can never know the attention remus wishes to shower him in, or it’s nature.
sirius is a delicate being, yet all the same he is the strongest person remus knows. he smokes with his cigarette between his pointer and middle fingers, unafraid when the burning end reaches his fingertips. there’s a metaphor in there somewhere, remus knows it. and even in this very moment, watching sirius dodge players on their brooms left and right, he weaves like the wind, like it takes him zero effort, he cuts like a knife, and remus knows better than anyone that he can and he will cut you if you get too close— still, he sees it, unafraid.
remus has been afraid his whole life, can’t even remember a time he wasn’t. lyall lupin was a complex man, complex men make for complex and angry children remus had found.
when remus was bitten as a child, he suspects lyall felt a deep rotting guilt, he rotted and rotted and went bitter and twisted until he blamed remus. and hope? oh she was no where to be seen, lyall wanted to ‘protect’ her from remus.
‘protect her?’ he remembers asking, just a boy not understanding what had happened to him, but knowing he loves his mum more than anything.
a kinder man would have lied to remus. lyall was not kind. ‘you are a lycan. i- you’ve tainted this bloodline and you are a danger to yourself and every person around you. i won’t allow you to infect your mother a second longer.’
looking back, lyall was also fucking insane and quite frankly stupid.
remus twiddled his thumbs together, it was the final quarter of the match and the teams had gone to get water and refresh in the change rooms.
he looked to lily, mary, marlene and peter sitting across the stands from him. he knows they saw him purposefully sit alone and he knows he’ll get an earful about it later from lily and peter. he couldn’t bring himself to care, it was better this way.
remus had been distancing himself from everyone for a while now, hoping they would get the hint. hes already dragged all of his best mates down into his filthy tainted blood, he can see them drowning in it and he won’t allow it.
it was the worst with sirius. he wanted to breakdown in his best friends arms and cry and cry and cry. but if he does that he will fucking shatter, and he won’t get back up again. it’s not time for that yet.
the game ends. james scored the winning shot with sirius’s help. they were brothers. remus was other. he stood immediately and left the stadium, he didn’t want to talk to anyone.
it was snowing this time of year, fucking freezing outside but remus needed a smoke, so he headed to the black lake and sat down by its edge.
he chain-smoked for a long time. his ass was numb, and his fingers were blue. he stuck a fresh cigarette in his mouth and leaned forward to light it, when someone sat down next to him
oh for fucks sake
‘fuck off sirius’ remus exhaled a long drag of smoke.
sirius smiled tightly, ‘don’t think i will this time moony’ he plucked the cigarette from remus fingers like it was the most casual thing to do, he took a quick, deep drag and waved his hand about has he breathed it in, and out.
sirius nose and cheeks were pink, his hair was damp and his fingers were red around the joints, he looked like porcelain. remus knew one day he would’ve cut himself on sirius edges and bleed out a slow and painful death. to be honest he wouldn’t have minded it. nonetheless, he’s got other plans.
‘see i’ve figured you out,’ sirius looks out at the frozen lake, it’s hard but remus ignores him. ‘you want me to ignore you, all of us actually. you want to be left alone.’ remus took the cigarette back with shaking hands ‘why’re you here then?’ he said it coldly, like the ice around them. it wasn’t really a question, just something to say. ‘i care about you remus. you’re not getting rid of me that easy.’ sirius smiled at him and it was soft and gentle, something remus would only break.
remus ignored him and continued smoking. ‘what i can’t figure out,’ there goes remus peace ‘is why you want us gone? s’not like you’ve got new friends you’re ditching us for’
‘i could be.’
‘remus you were sitting alone at the black lake in the middle of winter.’ stupid, smug, observant, smart, sirius black. remus wanted to hate him.
when has remus ever gotten what he’s wanted?
‘so, moony? what is it then, what’s got you all lone wolf?’
maybe the fucking beast that lives in my chest?
‘don’t know what you’re talking about mate.’ remus clenched his fists and jaw, he wanted to walk away but he knew sirius would only follow him.
‘oh come on,’ sirius whined and poked at remus, an attempt to lighten the mood. it made remus want to cry. ‘i’m like you’re wolfy confidant, being a dog and all.’ he grinned that stupid, charming sirius black grin. remus ignored him, biting back bile and blood from the razor sharp words that were cutting up his throat.
‘moony. my moon. you can tell me.’
what was with all of this fucking werewolf shit all of a sudden? christ it’s like sirius thinks it’s a fucking joke having every bone in his body broken and realigned, blacking out for a night every month, covered in thick, ugly scars from the beast trying to make his outside match the in.
‘come on moony, i know i’m just a star but howl to me will you?’ this sounded genuine, a plea from a friend to another. which is why it broke remus heart to do what he did next.
‘you think everything’s a fucking joke don’t you sirius?’ remus turned to look at him now, oh god. he can’t do this. for a moment his eyebrows knit together and he can feel the tears.
no. not when he’s this close to saving them all, to saving sirius.
‘you think you know what it’s like? being a- a monster? you think you could ever begin to fucking comprehend the constant state of agony i live in, made worse by none other than yourself. i mean moony? you made my nickname my biggest fucking fear what the fuck is wrong with you? oh wait, i know. mummy and daddy didn’t love you enough didn’t they? get in fucking line black, you’re not special and you’re not the stars i want in my sky.’
lies. lies. lies.
remus loved the nickname moony, they gave it to him before they knew he was- the way he is. sirius just claimed remus was quite and alluring like the moon, once when he was drunk he even said beautiful like the moon.
and for the record, remus would kill walbagura and orion black if he ever got his hands on them. they abused sirius. they hurt him, and remus only brought them up because he knew it was cut deep.
it wasn’t enough.
sirius was still here.
why is he still here.
‘you fucking deaf black? i don’t like you. i don’t like james, or peter, or- or lily, mary, marlene-‘
‘you’re a shit liar remus.’
what.
‘what?’
that stupid grin. there it is. ‘i mean you had me going there for a second, when you brought up mum and dad- but saying you don’t like none of us? well that’s just bullshit. you don’t like me, eh i get it. peter? he can be a little snake sometimes. mary and marls come off a little strong. but james and lily? no one could ever not like them.’
fuck. fuck. fuck.
‘you don’t know what you’re on about black.’ remus got up with shaking hands and legs and turned to walk deeper into the surrounding forest.
‘i do actually, think i know you better than anyone else actually,’ suddenly sirius was standing in front of him. ‘and i think that scares the fucking shit out of you.’
remus tried to go around him, he tried to walk away but everywhere he went sirius was right there, a reflection of his mind realky.
‘move, sirius.’
‘but it’s okay moons, because i- i think you know me too.’
like the back of my hand.
remus says nothing for a moment, he can feel it rising in his chest.
‘sirius, please. please move out the way.’ if it weren’t for the cold in his voice remus would have sounded like a begging man.
only for sirius.
‘see i just can’t do that- your lips are blue my moon, you need a hot shower like fifteen minutes ago. and i need to get through to you, so let me in so that we can go listen to that muggle musician you like with prongs and worm tail.’
‘you think you know everything about me? you’re the expert huh?’ oh god he didn’t know what he was saying ‘then tell me sirius what is this? hm? what the fuck is it?’ his sleeve was rolled up. why was his sleeve rolled up. he- no, no, no, no. no one can know.
the reality of what he’s done hits remus like a knife,
like sirius black
in trying to shove sirius further away he’s given him permission to come in. he’s fucked it all up.
his legs can’t hold him up anymore and when he hits the ground it’s warm and soft and smells like shea butter.
he’s a mess, he’s crying and wailing, clawing at his chest like he can cut the wolf out, god know he’s tried before.
‘oh ma lune, shh…’ gentle hands were in remus hair and cradling his body in a way he never knew could feel like home.
‘i’ve got you now amour. you’re okay, i’m going to make it okay mon amour. i swear it.’
something about the way sirius speaks makes remus believe him. he nods furiously against sirius chest as he heaves ‘i- i’m so, i’m so sorry-‘ he breaks down even further and sirius let’s him whispering sweet nothings as he goes.
‘i was supposed to protect you for this- from me-‘ sirius stills and suddenly there are hands in either side of remus’ face and he is looking the stars in the eye.
‘you’re not dangerous remus. and i’m not afraid of you, i never have been. not for one second. i don’t want you to protect me from you remus i- i want all of you, it’s selfish and wrong but i want everything you have, please-‘ his thumbs brushed tears of remus’ face and his eyes were big and pleading ‘please don’t take you away from me remus.‘
the crying slows and remus is numb again, except for the nagging warmth of sirius touch.
‘sirius-,’ he takes a breath ‘you’re the stars. you litter the night sky and you enthral everyone, james- james is the sun he shines so fucking brightly for everyone. and pete- he’s the weather he’s always right there next to you both and i’m-‘
‘you’re the moon remus.’
‘i’m a monster.’
a beat passes
‘then so am i.’
‘how?’ remus asks tired and pleading, sick of trying to show sirius reason.
‘because i love you. you’re my moon. ma lune.’ sirius sniffles and laughs, his thumbs tracing remus cheeks, had he been crying this whole time? ‘you light up my sky just as james does and yet you do it so differently.’
remus says nothing.
he thinks nothing.
sirius searches remus face for any sign of life, ‘are you hearing me remus? you’re not james, not peter, you’re no one but you and i couldn’t be more thankful because you’ve shown me that this-‘ he places a warm hand over remus heart, it’s firm and unmoving. ‘this is okay, i love you. you’re a werewolf and i love you. you’re an asshole and i love you.
you’re the smartest person i’ve ever met and i love you. you cut deep and i love you. you’re cruel at times and i love you. you-‘ sirius traces the scars on remus face, trailing down his arms, right to the ones on his wrist. the worst ones, the ones he put there. sirius brings remus wrist to his mouth and kisses is gently ‘and i love you.’
he loves me
sirius loves me
me?
why?
‘you’re so beautiful remus, you can’t even see it- you light up my entire sky, you’re fierce and strong but you’re so gentle and kind remus. you’re everything? don’t you get it? what good is the night with no moon?’
‘people still have the stars to guide them.’ it’s the first thing remus says, it’s raw and it hurts because it’s true.
‘who gives a flying fuck? i want the moon, remus i want you. i want you here, with me. id do anything cant you see?’ sirius hands fly to his face again, firm and warm.
‘why?’ remus’ voice cracks and shakes, looks like he is a begging man.
remus sees the moment sirius heart breaks.
‘oh mon amour, mon doux beau garçon,’ sirius was crying again. why was he crying? ‘there isn’t enough time or words in the world for me to tell you why, i love you in my soul, it’s in my bones and my blood. i’m yours even if you don’t want me, you’re everything to me remus, sun and weather be damned- the entire earth can get fucked because- none of it would mean anything if i have to brave the night alone.’
oh
remus gets it.
he gets it because it’s exactly what he’s been feeling inside since third year, it’s what he felt his first summer away from sirius, it’s what he felt the first time he saw the lashes on sirius back and ankles, it’s what he’s felt every time sirius cries. he doesn’t understand why it’s him sirius wants, or loves but he understands that sirius would never recover if remus left, because remus would never recover if sirius left.
‘oh.’
sirius says nothing and continues patiently rubbing his cheek.
‘i didn’t- i didn’t know you felt it too.’
sirius freezes
‘too?’
oh fuck remus is fucking stupid, he’s not said it back- he’s not even acknowledged it until just now.
‘i love you sirius.’
the world is quiet, the sun is setting and it’s turning the snow pink. remus reached to hold the inside of sirius wrist, he’s shaking as he says ‘i don’t understand why sirius, why me. i- i’m
not sure i ever will. i didn’t know you wanted me at all, that anyone does really- but as long as you want me i will be here. i’ll always be here just incase you need me because this-‘ remus places a hand over sirius heart ‘i get it. it would ruin you and i know that because it would ruin me, i tried to not have you for a week and it destroyed me. god sirius i’m so sorry for everything i said- everything i did, i was trying to protect you and i only hurt you worse.’
‘are you going to do it again?’ sirius asks. he looks so fragile and small and remus wants nothing more than to promise him he’ll never hurt him. but complex fathers make complex children.
‘never intentionally.’ remus says it like a prayer.
‘that’s enough for me. i- i am the same…is it enough for you?’
what a stupid question
remus would legitimately let sirius kill him if it brought him joy.
‘yes sirius. it’s everything.’