Fuck.
All the professors have seemed more annoying recently, especially the defense against the dark arts teacher. He always found a way to piss Remus off.
Today he was a new kind of pissed though. ‘Professor what's his nuts’, what Remus called him behind his back, changed the seating chart. Sirius is now sitting next to him.
All of the professors know what he did. What the fuck was wrong with him? Making them sit next to each other the rest of term.
Sirius was shaky. Remus could feel it, even with the most amount of space possible between them, he could sense how uncomfortable Sirius was. But he was uncomfortable too, and he had every right to be.
Professor what's his nuts started taking attendance. The annoying way. Calling each student by name and waiting for an answer.
“Mr. Lupin?”
Remus raised his left arm, his head down on the desk.
Professor didn't move on. “Mr. Lupin?” He called again
Remus raised his arm a bit higher, realizing too late that he forgot to charm his sleeves in his rush to get out this morning. Sirius had already reached over the table and pulled up his sleeve, charming it for him.
Sirius had seen it.
The newer scars, not put there by the wolf. They were not just on his arm though, at least Sirius hadn’t seen the worst of it.
Most of the class was staring at him now, but he only paid attention to the way Sirius’s eyes felt as they burned into his shoulder.
“Mr. Lupin, are you here?”
“Yes im fucking here. God damn are you blind or something?”
“Excuse me, that is no way to talk to a professor. Three weeks of detention and 20 points from gryffindor.”
Remus looked up at him, grabbing his stuff and walking out of the room. He wasn’t going back.
He got to the hospital wing and put his stuff by his normal bed. It was fairly empty, just a few students with random illnesses
“Poppy?” He called out as he set his stuff down
“Oh, hello dear. I didn't hear you come in. You alright?” Her voice was soft, trying not to wake the others.
“Can we talk? In your office?”
“Yeah of course.”
He sat down in the chair opposite her desk, wringing out his hands.
“Uhm, do we think we could try a new medication?”
“For what, love?”
“Depression” He looked away from her. He knew it probably wasn't a surprise, given the current state of the hell hole he lives in, but he didn't want to see her reaction.
“Yeah, we can try something. I can get you on antidepressants. I know things have been rough recently, have you still been hurting yourself?”
“Not as much, but yes. I'm sorry. I know I promised but every time I look at him it hurts. I know I'm supposed to be mad. I know I'm supposed to hate him. But every time I look at him my heart still flutters and I get a funny feeling in my stomach. I love him too much to hate him.”
“It's okay, I know it's hard. I’ll get you some meds. If it gets any worse come straight down here okay. I don't need you dying on us, okay?”
He nodded, still not meeting her eye.
“Here's the meds. Take them at lunch everyday, okay?”
“Yes ma’am. Thank you.”
He grabbed his stuff and headed out of the room. He had to go back. He’s already in enough trouble.
James and Peter were talking with Sirius when he got there. Remus put his stuff down with a thud and sat back down, reading the instructions on the pill bottle.
“What's that there mate?” James asked, leaning over the desk.
“Meds” Remus responded dryly. He didn't want to have this conversation right now. Not with Sirius sitting right there.
“What for?” James wasn't gonna drop it until he knew. Remus should’ve known better.
“Depression.”
“Shit, you alright mate?”
“Oh, im fucking lovely, thanks.” He was hoping the sarcasm showed up, but he wasn’t sure.
“Okay. I'm here if you need me.”
“Mhmm”
A note slid over to him. Sirius’s handwriting. ‘Show me. Later’
He scribbled back a response. ‘Why?’
‘Listen, I know you hate me. I get why. I'm not trying to talk about that though. Please. I wanna know how bad it is. Hell, you just got put on antidepressants, I've never even gotten that bad. I won't tell James or Peter. I just wanna know.’ His handwriting was scratchier and more messy than normal
‘Fine. But for the record you should’ve been on antidepressants. I haven't tried to kill myself. Yet.’
‘Yet?’
‘Thought about it. That's all. I'm fine.’
‘Clearly you’re not.’
‘I agreed to what you want. Piss off now.’
‘Sorry.’
Shit.
Out of everyone that could ask to see it, it just had to be him.
Remus went up to the dorm as soon as school ended, hoping that Sirius forgot.
He didn't.
The door opened and he closed it softly. “James and Peter are downstairs. Scared of us fighting.” He mumbled.
Remus looked away from him, getting chills from just hearing his voice. ‘No.’ He thought. ‘He almost ruined your life. You can’t love him.’
“It’s not that bad. I’ve done worse.”
“Moony- Sorry, Remus. Just because you’ve done worse doesn't make it okay.” He sat down on James’s bed.
“Sirius I’ve seen yours, it's not like that. Just a couple, I’m fine.”
“I’m not playing these fucking games with you. Please. I know it's not just your arm. I’m not stupid. I just wanna see. I wanna know the extent of what I've caused…”
“The whole reason you're doing this is so that you can drown in your own self pity? What the fuck Sirius.”
“No, no that's not what I meant.”
“Sure, whatever.”
He was trying to ignore him, really he was, but it was so hard, when he was so effortlessly pretty.
“Fine.” Remus mumbled, unbuttoning his shirt, slowly.
Sirius moved over to Remus’s bed, still keeping a far distance.
There were scars all along Remus’s arm, and some cuts still healing disappearing under the waistband of his pants.
“Shit moony..”
Remus put his shirt back on, not looking back at Sirius until he was tightening his tie. “You can’t call me that” He mumbled. He didn't want to admit how much he loved hearing Sirius call him moony.
“Sorry”
Sirius got quiet. He was scared. Sad. It wasn't fair. He fucked up. The ‘prank’ wasn't fair on anyone, but the two of them the most. Remus used to think he deserves way worse of a punishment, but if he's feeling even half as shitty as Remus has been, maybe the breakup was punishment enough.
They sat in silence for a while. It was oddly comfortable, though Remus was fighting the urge to pull him into him.
“Remus.”
“Sirius.”
Sirius got quiet again, picking at his hands. Remus reached over and pulled his hand apart. Sirius has always had a habit of picking at his hands until he starts bleeding. Sirius glanced up at him, holding eye contact for a minute before looking away.
“I'm sorry” He whispered.
“I know.”
Hearing the pain in his voice almost broke Remus. He was so close to giving in, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to say it so bad, the three words that sat on the tip of his tongue, but it wouldn't be fair to either of them if he said it.
“Moons?”
“Pads.”
He paused for a minute before replying under his breath. “Shit…”
“Yeah.”
Remus got up, making sure he looked decent before walking over to the door. “Don't do anything stupid.” He said as he walked out of the room.
He could feel Sirius’s eyes on him as he left. He hated how much he wanted - no, needed him back. He sat next to James once he got downstairs.
“We told him not to-“ James started.
“Shut it” Remus cut him off. “How bad has he been?”
“What?”
“Just answer the fucking question James.”
“Sorry…damn. I mean he hasn't been great, I don't expect him to be though” James got a bit quieter.
“Yeah that makes sense…just…he seems bad. He might be hiding it a bit, not letting on how bad he really is. Just keep an eye on him for me?”
James didn't respond for a minute, staring at Remus. “You’re asking me to watch him? I thought you hated him.”
“I'm supposed to.”
James seemed to realize the weight in that sentence and didn't say much else.
Remus had a bad feeling about something. People say to always trust your gut, but sometimes it doesn't work like that. He decided going to the library was a better choice, so he went there instead.
He sat down at a table in the back, staring at the book he was reading, but not retaining any of what he was reading. He felt like he was being watched, but no one was around. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling.
~~~
He woke up a few hours later. There was a big black dog sitting on the floor in front of him, with its head on his lap, looking up at him. The dog was skinny, more than should be healthy, like it hasn't eaten in at least a week. Remus stared down into its eyes, bringing his hand up to scratch behind its ear.
“Change back. Come on.” Remus pushed away from the table and stood up, grabbing his stuff.
Sirius did as he was told and changed out of his animagus form, following Remus out of the library.
Remus grabbed his arm as they walked, making him keep up. He stopped just outside the kitchens. “Listen. This isn't me forgiving you. Not yet. But I can't let you tear yourself apart this bad either. You’re eating something.”
“But I can't.” Sirius responded smally, looking at the ground.
“Why? Don't give me any of that ‘It's what i deserve’ bullshit either. It's hard enough knowing I almost killed someone else. Losing you and having it partially be my fault would make it so much worse” He trailed off at the end, still looking at Sirius.
“I'm so sorry, moony. I know you don't believe me. And you have every right to be mad. I know I shouldn't have done it. But i still did. And i lost you. I deserve so much worse than a got. A few detentions is bullshit for something like that. I wouldn’t have blamed them if they arrested me. Im sorry.”
Remus felt the act he’d been putting up crumble at the way Sirius’s voice broke and the tears running down his face that he was trying to cover with his hair. Without thinking he grabbed him and pulled him into his chest, hugging him tight.
“What’re you doing?” Sirius asked, his voice muffled by Remus’s shirt.
“I dunno. Shut up.”
“Okay.”
They stayed like that for a bit, wrapped in eachothers arms outside of the kitchens. It was weird, but it felt right. Remus realized how much he missed this, just having him close.
Sirius was first to pull away. He pushed himself off Remus and wiped his face to hide that he was crying before walking into the kitchens. Remus wanted to follow him but decided it'd be best to wait outside the door.
Sirius came out a few minutes later holding a cupcake. They stared at each other for a minute before Remus started walking back towards Gryffindor tower, Sirius followed him.
They walked in silence. It was still awkward, but Remus wanted to go back in time to the hug and stay there forever.
“You go. I’m gonna go smoke.” Remus said as they got to the portrait. Sirius nodded and went inside.
Instead of going to smoke like he said, Remus went to Mcgonagall's office. “Hey Minnie” He mumbled as he walked in.
“Hello. Do you need something?” She asked, motioning for him to take a seat.
He sat down, playing with his hoodie strings. “I’ll be honest, I don't really know why I'm here.”
“Is this something about Sirius?”
“Yeah”
Her demeanor shifted a bit and she leaned back in her chair. “Did something else happen?” She asked calmly
“No…yes…maybe? I can't stay mad at him. I know I have to. I know he fucked up. But its so fucking hard seeing him like that and knowing he feels like i do.”
“I know, dear. It will be hard, but I'm sure it’ll work itself out. I know it sucks right now but you guys are only fifteen. You still have your whole lives. I wish i could help more but i have a meeting in a few minutes, we can give you somewhere else to stay for the time being or transfer you to a different dorm, that option has always been there. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do.”
Remus nodded, still not looking at her. “Okay. Thanks minnie.” He got up and walked out of her office, lighting a cigarette as he walked up to his dorm.
Sirius was laying on his bed doing homework with a cigarette in his left hand, James and Peter were sitting at the desk looking at something. Remus grabbed a spliff out of his drawer and walked over to the window, opening it and sitting on the ledge as he smoked.
The room was mostly quiet, like it has been recently, the only noise was the faint music from Sirius’s record player.
His roommates kept glancing over at him, like they were scared he was gonna get mad. He tried to ignore them and keep smoking but it was only getting harder to brush it off. Sirius looked the most scared.
“Pads.”
“Moony.”
“Cmere.”
Sirius got up and walked over to the window. “Hm?”
Remus held out the joint to him, letting him take a few hits.
“We’ll talk later” Remus whispered in his ear before he walked away.
James and Peter went to bed not too long after that, leaving Remus high and Sirius buzzed, and alone together.
Sirius was the first to break the silence. “You wanted to talk?”
Remus took a deep breath, playing with his lighter. “No. But we need to.”
“Yeah…Listen, I'm so sorry. I know a sorry won't fix this but i don't know what else to do”
“Sirius…” He trailed off, not knowing where to go from here. Sirius stayed quiet, waiting patiently for him to find the words.
“Come here” Remus whispered, giving him space on the window ledge. He waited until he was sitting down next to him to continue. “I am mad at you…but…it’s not just you. It’s everything. The whole situation. The fact that it happened. The way he listened. The fact that im a fucking werewolf in the first place”
Sirius ran a hand through Remus’s hair, watching him as he spoke.
“Fuck i miss you” Remus said under his breath, leaning into Sirius’s touch.
“I miss you too.”
“So…what do we do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I dunno.”
They were quiet for a minute, enjoying eachothers company for a minute.
“Moons.”
“Pads.”
“Love you.”
“Love you more.”